So It Goes
by ZombieJazz
Summary: Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances create for their blended family which is transitioning through a period of grief. The series focuses on what's left of Voight's family and their strained relationships. This is part of the AU started in Interesting Dynamics and is a continuation of Aftermath.
1. Fixing the Engine

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

 **THIS CHAPTER IS SET IMMEDIATELY AFTER S04E11. IT SHOULD LIKELY LAND AS CHAPTER 1 OF THIS STORY OR EARLY IN JANUARY 2017. IT WILL BE RE-ORDERED EVENTUALLY.**

"It's not like she's going to change at this point," Annie said. "Your mom is who she is."

"I know," she allowed glumly. Because that didn't make it any easier. It never did. Ever. It never would.

"Erin," Annie chastised – sounding too much like a mother herself. Because she was. Because somehow, it felt like she'd surpassed her in recent years. She'd become more grown-up than her. She just … adulted better. She'd figured it all out better. Made the pieces fit together and work against the odds – when Erin still felt like she hadn't been able to do that. Like as soon as she thought she'd figured out part of the puzzle, she figured out that some of the pieces were actually missing. That she'd never get to have that completely project. It'd always just be off. It'd never look quite right. It'd be broken in someway. She would.

Because you can't have so much ripped away from you. So many pieces tossed aside or dropped along the way and come out as a fully complete person. You just couldn't. No matter how much she tried, she felt like she just got reminded over and over that it just didn't work that way. And her trying to force together the pieces always just seemed to end up making it worse.

"How long have I known you?" Annie put to her. "Since we were like nine? Right?"

"Around there," she allowed, with a small smile. An involuntary one. Because it was a happy memory.

Annie was someone who'd been in her life – stayed in her life – through it all. And there'd been a lot of ups and downs with them too. Enough history to completely pull them apart. To make them enemies. Or to just leave them entirely fucked up. But instead all the bullshit had brought them together. Even though some of that was because they were irrevocably tied together. Whether they liked it or not. They needed to stay in each other's lives. To know what the other was thinking or doing – or how they were doing. Because they both still held some of the other's chips. And certain plays might still come back to haunt them. Some day. Maybe.

And maybe that wasn't that unlike her and Hank. Now. Though, they had their secrets before too. Thinks the Ivory Tower couldn't know. Things that Erin wasn't sure Camille had ever known – or at least not things she'd ever told her. And now they had this other secret too. This other burden that would tie them together forever even more than they already were. And it'd be on the list of secrets that she'd – they'd – never tell Ethan. And one that she wasn't sure she'd ever fully tell Jay. Though, she knew he already knew. That he'd come to his own conclusion. But him thinking it – and her confirming it – were two very different things.

"You can only try to fix the engine so many times," Annie said.

And it was a strange thing to hear her say – because it again just felt too maternal, too grown up. That she'd somehow managed to achieve that and Erin still felt like she was trying to find her footing to truly feel like that. That it wouldn't matter how much she tried to fix the engine if she'd ended up with a lemon of a life.

And she might've spent a lot of time – years – trying to turn that into lemonade. That she'd had people trying to help her sweeten the deal along the way. That she'd even bought into the fact that she had turned a pretty sour situation into a decent stake in life – a nice little lemonade stand that people stopped by and invested in from time to time. But it wasn't enough to make a living. It never had been. Maybe she'd been a bit too much of a lost cause from the start. Maybe it would've been better if she'd ever even run a lemonade stand as a kid. But she hadn't. Her life had been too fucked up for that. That wasn't what she sold – what she ran – to make money as a child. She sort of wished it was. But her life looked a lot more like the grand theft auto that Annie didn't realize she was describing.

"Until it's like screw it, buy a new car," Annie said.

But that was too simple. And her life – it never presented the simple options. And anyone who'd ever bought a new car new it wasn't really that simple anyways. Not in her experience. So she wasn't sure this analogy – this reality check – that Annie was trying to give her really worked. Not for her. Not in her life. Not from the life she'd come from. Or the life she was living. Or the life she could imagine she was ever going to live – no matter the bright spots it had in it.

"Like Vanessa Reader, after everything she went through, guess where she ended up?"

Erin shook her head. Because she didn't know. She couldn't imagine. Because she hadn't heard from or seen Vanessa for years. Because the last time she had, the best guess she would've had for her was that she was working as a pro, living in a flop house, and depending on the quality of her pimp, she was either snorting coke or shooting up heroin. Or a combination of both. And that was the generous guess. A more accurate one would likely be that she'd died in some alley before her twenty-fifth birthday. Cold and lonely and poor and afraid with a syringe hanging out of her arm – nodding off so she didn't have to feel any of it anymore.

And as much as Erin couldn't imagine that life anymore. As much as she didn't want that. And she was glad she'd been rescued from it. And she tried to save others from it now. There was this small part of her that still felt that everything would've been easier if Hank had just left her alone. If she'd kept on the path she was going down. Because she knew she wouldn't be here for any of this now. She wouldn't have made it through her teens. Let alone her twenties. Or the start of her thirties. Or made it to the job. Or found Jay. Or had a house.

But even with all those good things – this, life, it was fucking hard. And it hurt. And it felt like it still found ways to smack her down. It still found a way to drag up the past in a way that stung and haunt her. Or at least Bunny did. Over and over. And, now, even Hank – for as much as he was trying, as they were trying – he'd hurt her. In some ways, she thought he'd hurt her more than Bunny. Because – he wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be better that this. He was supposed to have done better by her.

And he hadn't.

"Phoenix," Annie said excitedly, and Erin let out quiet surprise. Because she hadn't expected that. She expected even less what came next. That Vanessa had gotten her teaching degree. That she was married. That she had a kid on the way. That somehow Vanessa had managed to get her shit together and move forward in life in a way that Erin still wasn't sure she had. And in a way that Annie had managed too.

And why had these girls she'd grown up with – these women – been able to find their way better than her? To reach adulthood and their thirties and seem mature and worldly. When she still felt so fucking confused so much of the time. That she knew part of her was still that broken little girl. But arguably she'd had more support than Annie or Vanessa. That she'd had Hank and Camille and Justin and Ethan. Or she thought she had. She'd lost some of them along the way. And Hank … he wasn't who she thought. And she was still learning how to adjust that to her reality.

Even with the grown up things she had – a job … a career, a partner … a fiancée, a house and mortgage – she still somehow was sitting there staring at Annie thinking about how grown-up she sounded. How grown-up she looked. And she didn't feel any of those things. The things she had somehow seemed to pale. But maybe that was just Bunny bringing up that insecurity in her. Paddling to the little girl who still wanted her mom and a relationship with her mom. Who kept hoping that it would somehow change and be better. How she kept hoping that Bunny would realize that now – these days – she needed a mom who could be her mom. She didn't need a woman in her fifties that she needed to babysit. Still. A woman she needed to hand money to still. And a woman who still feed her ballerina and bunny rabbit fantasies like that was something that could ever be in her life. Now, then or ever. Still the fucking con artist she'd always been. And she still fucking let herself fall for it. Because she kept on hoping for more. For better.

"She just couldn't get it together until she left Chicago," Annie said with such distaste. Like she hated the city. Or hated what it'd done to all of them. What it'd brought all of them. But she'd never been able to leave either. She hadn't escaped it yet even though she tried.

And Phoenix? Erin knew if she wanted to – if she really wanted to – she could go anywhere. But Phoenix? She'd seen other people run there and it hadn't worked out. Olive had only lasted in Scottsdale a few months, because you couldn't run away from your past. You couldn't run away from your problems. Or the memories. They'd follow you and haunt you wherever you went. You needed to learn how to live with them. In Chicago. Or anywhere else.

"And as much as I love you and I would kill me to have you go," Annie said with her eyes welling in a way that only caused Erin's to do the same.

Because she knew she couldn't go – as much as she may want to. That she'd never be able to bring herself to do that. That she couldn't find it in herself to justify that. To run. As much as so much of her being always seemed to be screaming at her to do just that. But she never seemed to be able to muster the strength or courage she needed to make that escape. Either she was too afraid or she couldn't – wouldn't. Because she wanted to believe she had reason – rightful – reasons to stay. She wanted to believe that at some point it was going to get better. That she'd still have a life – of her own – and that it'd be here. In this city that she'd given blood, sweat and tears to. Over and over.

"I don't know Annie …" she muttered. She looked away. Because she couldn't keep looking at her, looking at her like that. "I mean … if I could move somewhere and start over right now … I would."

And she thought that was the truth. In that moment, she really did think it was the truth. Because she wanted to believe she had that in her. That she deserved more. That she had been kicked down and betrayed by too many people here – the ones who were supposed to be protecting her – that she could justify it.

But she also knew it was a complete and utter lie. Because she couldn't and she wouldn't. Because this city was a part of her and she had reason … reasons … to stay.

"What's stopping you?" Annie put to her, gripping at her arm.

But Erin just looked away again, grabbing her shot and sloshing it back. Because she thought it was self-evident. They'd known each other long enough. Since they were nine years old. Annie shouldn't have to ask.

"Hank and Ethan …," Annie provided her own answer.

And Erin just put the glass back down and her elbow on the bar top. Her fist pressing into her cheek as she stared back at Annie, who mirrored her position and gazed at her with understanding but mild disapproval.

Erin shared the stare. Part of her wanted to stare her down. To get her to stand down. As a way of putting her in her place and proving her wrong. But she wasn't entirely wrong. It was just that it was complicated. And it wasn't entirely right either. Because it wasn't just Hank or just Ethan that kept her in the city – even though they did.

"Or my job, or my fiancée, or my mortgage," she arched her eyebrow at Annie.

Annie just raised hers too. "You just put your job as the first thing on that list," she said.

Erin gave a sigh and looked back at her empty shot glass. She sort of wished she'd saved it. Or that the bartender at this suburban watering pool that was a little sad, would come and refill it. But apparently they weren't giving off the kind of vibe that got ready service in the 'burbs that Annie had moved into in her growing up and measured escape.

"You could do your job anywhere," Annie put gently. "They'd be lucky to have you – and you don't need Hank's reference or support."

She let out a slow breath but forced her eyes back to her. She didn't want to argue the point that she wasn't Hank's girl anymore. They all knew she was. Maybe now more than ever. And she'd tried to move away from him –his unit – and do her own job before. And that hadn't worked out. It wasn't the kind of job she wanted to do. It hadn't felt right.

Maybe she hadn't given it enough of a chance. But at the same time, she couldn't imagine doing this job – or wanting to do this job – in any city but Chicago. Love it or hate it – this city was hers. It was her home. And it'd given and taken away so much in her life. Somehow trying to escape it seemed like it'd only reach back and punish her. It had Justin. It had Olive. They'd tried their new starts too. They'd tried to realign their lives. To be different people. Doing different things. And it hadn't been the happy endings that Annie was trying to throw at her with Vanessa's example. Vanessa always had some horseshoes up her ass anyway. Erin didn't think she'd ever had those. Her life was one of hard knocks. The luck she'd had was the luck she'd made. Or the luck Hank had given her – for better or worse. Bribes and debts. Holes and banana peels. But life wasn't fair. It was just a mix of good, bad and ugly. And in that equation, you needed to remember that the good – that was only made up one-third of the possible outcome. In the best case scenario.

"Jay," Erin tried again. "And the house."

"If he loves you, he can see what this city – being here, being near Bunny, near Hank – does to you. He'd go too. You can sell the house. Start over," Annie offered.

She shook her head. Because she didn't question that Jay loved her – at least most of the time and when she did, it was about her, not about him. It was her moments of insecurity. Her moments where she struggled with her self-esteem and self-worth. Where she questioned why he'd want to be with her or why he was sticking around. But she tried not to let that self-doubt rear it's head too often. Because that sort of thing – it was yet another remnant of Bunny. And the sickness and dysfunction that her so-called mother had brought to her life. About the only things she'd ever given her. And none of them good.

But it was because of the fact that Jay loved her that she knew he wouldn't just let her pick up and leave and to try to supposedly start over. Because he'd label that as running away or sticking her head in the ground – or just not getting in front of things. And she was supposed to get in front of things. They had an agreement about getting in front of things – about truthfulness, about deciding and knowing which things came and went. And even though jobs and bosses were on that list – their relationship, each other, wasn't.

Jay had his eyes set on the future. Their future. It's why they had a house – a mortgage. It was why they were putting down roots. It was why the place was fucking three bedrooms when they were only two people. It was why they were both still in Intelligence. And why he was exploring options – not for himself, but for them and the family they were working at creating. Slowly. Or at least normalizing … even more slowly. Saying she just wanted to bail out of all that – run because of crappy decisions she'd made and the choices of others she'd let impact her too much, that she'd let herself get wrapped on in – wouldn't go over well.

Jay was done running. He was sick of running. He was on the list of people she knew who'd run. And it hadn't worked out so well for him too. He was still recovering from it. What Chicago and what family had done to him. And she knew in a lot of ways he'd never fully recover from it. He'd just move on as best he could and do as best he would in the best way he could. But he'd decided he was going to do that in the city he'd grown up in. He'd decided that was were his future was. Where their future was.

And she'd have to present him with a lot stronger argument than she couldn't stand being in the same place as Bunny anymore. Because he'd present her with the logical answer – the one Hank had told her to do nearly two years ago – to cut the cancer from her life. To stop going back to her. To stop wanting things from her that she couldn't provide. To stop believing she was going to change. Because people don't change. Even though it'd been Annie who'd once argued they do – that she had.

But even if Annie had wanted to believe that, Erin knew it wasn't true in her life. She'd shifted. She'd put on a different costume. She was playing a slightly different role. But at her core? She was still that scared, confused, angry little girl still trying to find a safe place in the world. Still trying to make it in the world. Still wanting people to see her worth and value. Because she still wasn't sure she could see it herself. She talked a big talk and walked a big walk. But that was to hide how much she'd been kicked around. To hide all the scars and the continued bruising from growing up. From life.

And that's likely why she still didn't quite feel like a grown-up. Because she still couldn't quite let go of that haunting childhood. And because it proved to her if not daily, at least weekly, that things were never simple and that life just wasn't fair. And it wasn't going to be. Ever.

"You know it's not that simple," she presented to Annie – because maybe she needed a reminder. Maybe living out in Chicagoland rather than the city's core had made her forget. Maybe she'd gotten softer. Or she'd found some way to move on. But that couldn't have been simple. And it didn't make Erin finding her own way any easier either.

"I didn't say it was simple," Annie tried and reached for her dangling hand. "But it's possible. It's an option."

Erin just pressed her fist harder into her cheekbone and gazed down at her friend clutching her hand. Something about it felt nice. Beyond having things thrown at her that day – and throwing them at others – she hadn't been touched. Maybe she needed to be touched. Though, she'd done her best to avoid all Jay's efforts to reach out. Because he'd made her pull her head out of the sand in all this. And even though maybe she needed another reality check – that hadn't meant it hadn't hurt. Badly.

"What'd Jay say about all of this?" Annie asked, rubbing her thumb along the top of her hand. Erin suspected she could feel the sadness and tension radiating out of even her fingertips – if her overall body language wasn't enough.

She let out a little sigh and pulled her hand away, tucking it into her lap. "He was against it from the start," she said. "He thought I was being an ostrich—"

"Sometimes you can be," Annie nodded at her. "When it comes to Bunny."

"She's my mom …," Erin offered weakly.

Because as much as she hadn't been – she still was. And there was part of her that still wanted Bunny to step up and be the kind of mother she should be. That she was supposed to be. To somehow make up for all the hurt and trauma and fucked up chaos she'd caused. But she just couldn't. Or she wouldn't. Because Bunny was selfish. And she should've never been a mother. She didn't know how to be kind or caring or giving. She didn't know how to raise a child. How to take care of another person. She could barely take care of herself. She just used people up and spit them out. And Erin just let her keep doing that over and over again.

"Giving birth to you doesn't make her a mother," Annie said.

Erin allowed another little sigh to that. Because she knew the truth of that statement. She knew Annie did too. Both in her own life – in her own shitty parents and now having raised a child of her own. But Erin had that reality rubbed in her wounds too often. That Camille was a mother. That Olive was now being a mother. That Hank – as much as he was a man's man and a father, that since he'd lost his wife, he'd tried (with varying levels of success) to adopt that softer touch in some areas of his parenting to be both the mom and the dad to his kids. And that now, even though she was a big sister, she knew in a lot of ways her mothering of her baby brother was a crash course in how to be a mother. Of the kind of mother she might someday be. And that in a lot of other ways, when Ethan looked back on his childhood, the feminine role model he'd remember the most – the woman who'd taught him how to treat women, and what and how women were – it'd be her more so than Camille who'd given birth to him. And that was still a strange reality to truly wrap her head around and come to a real acceptance of.

"It was Jay who ran his financials," she admitted. "And his DNA. Even though I asked him not to."

Annie gave a small shrug despite the tone Erin had provided. The anger and hurt and frustration that was starting to dim – but also wasn't. Because sometimes Jay forced her in directions she didn't want to go or wasn't ready to go. To make decisions and choices she wasn't ready to face. And even though maybe she needed someone like that in her life, it'd also felt like a betrayal of trust.

"It's because he cares," Annie said. "He was trying to help."

"Maybe I wanted to enjoy the fantasy for a minute," Erin muttered and again glanced around the bar trying to find where the bartender had gone to.

Not that she should be drinking more. Not with how she was feeling that night – her mental state, the banana peel she knew she was sliding along on and just waiting to fall from. Not with having to drive back into the city from here. But she still felt like she needed another drink. Probably more than one. Not to get through the conversation. But to get through this – to get through Bunny and what she'd put her through and promised her and brought into her life again only to cause more disappointment. Again. And that was the addict talking in her. The voice that if she started saying it vocally Hank would tell her she sounded just like her mom. Like mother, like daughter apparently. More of Bunny in her than she wanted when all she wanted was Bunny in her life. For Bunny to want to be a part of her life – now – in a real way.

"And that's the ostrich talking," Annie frowned at her.

But maybe Erin had really needed to enjoy that fantasy – to explore it – for a minute. To live it. Because her reality had been so fucked up lately. The family she'd established or made or been adopted into – it felt just as fucked up as the one she'd come from. Even with the strides her and Hank had made – it still didn't change that it wasn't what they had before. They weren't who they were before and their relationship was never going to be the same.

And now – with Justin gone, with Camille gone, with that core family she'd moved in with just gone – maybe she wanted or needed something more. Maybe she needed know where she came from more. To explore that. To be reminded. To be able to move on. To look to the future. To enter it as the adult – as the woman – she wanted to be. As the big sister and daughter and fiancée and future wife … and maybe future mother.

But part of her knew she should've known that it was all a game. A con. Everything was with Bunny. And even if she hadn't been able to accept and see that – about something like this, about her father, about where she'd come from and who she was, and who had made her – she should've known when she met Jimmy. She should've felt it. Because what she did feel was nothing. She hadn't felt that connection. She hadn't felt that tinge in her being that told her the were connected in some indescribable way. He hadn't felt like family – even at some sort of intrinsic, genetic, intangible level. He'd felt like the stranger he was – and not just because he'd been absent from nearly every moment she could remember in her life.

"He hates Bunny," Erin allowed of Jay.

"He hates what she does to you," Annie corrected, giving her a little nod.

"He doesn't trust her," she said.

"Why should he?" Annie put back to her.

Erin shook her head again. Because she shouldn't have trusted her either. She never should've. Not now. Not ever. She should've trusted herself. She should've listened to herself. To her inner being.

She should've listened to Hank when he'd said that he didn't have a clue who her father was and that no matter what Bunny said, she likely didn't either. Not back then. Not with how she was and who she was. And the unspoken implication that her mother had been too drunk and too stoned and sleeping with too many men that she wouldn't be able to pinpoint with any certainty who it actually was without a DNA test. That she was some episode of Muary Povich in the making.

She should've taken Hank and Jay's reminders about where she'd really come from and who she really was. But she hadn't wanted to. Maybe she couldn't. Not then. Not now. Because, it was likely Hank had said – with the loss of Camille and the loss of Justin and the loss of the baby and the loss of the family she thought she'd had and the loss of the man she'd seen as the father, or at least the type of man she thought he was, and how that had shaken her about the kind of person she was herself – she was trying to fill a void. And that had left her open to the fantasy. To this latest con. And to getting hurt. And that's exactly what had happened. And somehow, it seemed to be stinging just as much – if not more than those hours and days and weeks and months after the Silos. And that had been a hurt – a reality – that she didn't think would ever fade. So maybe this wouldn't be either.

"He's always trying to babysit my interactions with her," Erin mumbled, tapping her shot glass against the bar top, almost hoping that the ting might garner the attention that they could use another drink. But she was starting to suspect that they were getting so little service that Annie must've said something while she'd gone to the bathroom. That she told them they'd had enough. To not drink anymore over. Not that night. Because she was trying to protect her too. Like some sort of fragile daisy. But maybe she needed that protection. Because she seemed like she wasn't so good at protecting herself a lot of the time. "To regulate them. Just like Hank."

Annie allowed an almost understanding nod. "What'd he say about all of this?"

Erin shrugged. "That I'm trying to fill a void."

"You kinda are …," Annie said. Erin gave her a look but her friend just kept it. "I thought you weren't supposed to be talking to Bunny. Or anyone from your past …" There was a tone to it. That hurt and that disapproval.

"Annie, you're my best friend. You know that. He knows that. You aren't on that list," Erin tried.

Because it was a discussion they'd had many times before. Back when they were kids and again as adults. Over and over. Because Annie wasn't just anyone from her past. And she wasn't one of those bad influences or one of those banana peels. She was one of the good people in her life. And one of the hardest people to try to cut ties with and leave behind.

That it'd felt so unfair. Because Annie had needed out just as badly as she had. And maybe more. Because Charlie had gotten her pregnant. Charlie had gotten her mixed up with Sandoval. He'd pimped her out. And let her get smacked around. And then had forced her to live with – to carry – what happened when she snapped. Forced her to carry that – and her supposed debt – to the him for the rest of her life. While she also carried his child and then raised him with a daily reminder of Charlie and Sandoval and what had happened.

It was a stark reality for Erin too. A reminder that she just kept on living her life in some sort of fucked up déjà vu. Her life on repeat. The same things happening over and over again. What she'd done for Annie. What she'd hidden all those years. What she'd been willing to go down for – for her, for Travis. Just like she had for Hank. And for Ethan. To keep them together – just like Annie and Travis.

But that was a debt she felt she needed to pay back then too. Something she owed to Annie. Because – Annie had needed out. Just as much – more than – her. But it'd been Erin who got to go. Erin who got to be rescued in some way. Who go saved from a fate that likely would've been the same as Annie's – or worse. That she could've been pregnant at fifteen and dead at sixteen if she hadn't snapped like Annie had. But it'd been Erin who got to go to a safe place and have a home and a family and a go to a fancy private school and to have something that almost resembled a normal life as a teenager. At least on the surface. To those who didn't know the costume and act and role she was playing then to just back by. To run away. Only to get pulled back into it.

So what she did matter. It counted. She owed Annie that much. Because she hadn't always been the best friend. Not the best friend that she deserved. And there'd been times where she had tried to honor Hank and Camille's orders that she cut herself off from her past. From those people and those influences. And, even now Erin acknowledged that she had needed to do that. Even as an adult, she still needed to do that. Because she had a knack for still getting mixed up in places she shouldn't. She still had those bad habits fighting to come to the surface if she didn't press them down. Because you don't change who you are – you only can change how you react to the situation. It was a battle and a constant re-education of her entire being.

And she'd fought that battle. And she had her slips. But in a lot of ways she won. But she hadn't won in cutting Annie out too. Or rather, she hadn't let Hank win. She still snuck off while living in their home to see her. She'd still taken food and clothes for the baby. She'd still forced Annie to accept weeks' worth of her allowance – because she never knew what to do with the money anyway when the Voights took care of so many of her daily, basic needs. Because Annie needed the money way more than she did. Because Annie deserved to build a life – for her and for Travis – more than her. And needed the support in that.

"Then how come we're meeting all the way out here. How come I haven't met this great guy you're engaged to," Annie put to her. "Or seen this great house you've bought."

And Erin let out another little sigh and gazed at her friend's sad stare. Because as she aged, Erin had created the illusion for herself that she didn't live under Hank's thumb anymore. But they both knew – they all knew – that was an illusion. She liked to say that he didn't get to police her personal time. Still, he did. In so many ways. He policed all her time. Idle hands. And he definitely had set her up with a life and a career and a family where she didn't have much time for idle hands and all the problems that could create. But it meant he'd owned her – and her time – long before that night at the Silos.

Still, as an adult, she tried to see more of Annie. And Travis. She tried to stay connected. To keep in touch. Because of their shared past and their shared secret. Because so much of it could bring them both – and Travis – down. And she didn't want that for any of them.

But they'd had a quiet understanding after Charlie – after the threat he'd held over them both in boxing them in – that they'd see less of each other then. That they'd both try to change. To live the lives they had. The ones they'd been saved from in different ways and made sacrifices for. Big and small. That they tried to find their own ways. And had both been running from their past and Chicago and the people they'd known and the things they'd done in different ways.

That had worked out different ways for both of them. But as much as they'd supposedly "changed" with that space and time, Erin wasn't sure she believed it. Or bought into that. Because she was still her. And Annie was still Annie. And even though they only saw each other a handful of times a year now and mostly communicated in spare text messages rather than phone calls or visits, it still felt like no time had passed. It might not feel like they were nine-year-old kids sitting on the bar stools. But this woman still felt like that friend from when she was fourteen. The girl she'd grown-up with.

"Annie, you're busy too," Erin allowed in firm meekness at the lax excuse. "Your job. Travis."

Annie just stared at her. "How come Travis and Ethan didn't get to grow up playing together," she nodded.

Erin cocked her head in some sad defeat at that. "You know I didn't have any say in that. He's not mine."

"He misses seeing you," Annie said. "You know, he still asks about you."

Erin allowed a thin smile. "Tell me about him," she said. "How he's doing …"

Annie allowed a little shrug and pressed her own hand into her cheek, gazing out her with a proud little smile. "His football team did good this fall," she said.

Erin smiled. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Annie nodded. "They made it to the championship playoffs."

She shook her head. "That's amazing."

Annie nodded. "And he can't wait for his birthday. Sixteen. His driver's license is all he wants for his birthday."

"Oh my God …," Erin said. "We're old."

Annie smiled. "I don't think I imagined getting to be this old," she said carefully, still eyeing her.

"I know …," Erin said. "Me neither."

"What about Ethan?" Annie asked. "How's he? … With everything?"

Erin let out her own slow breath and a little shrug. "Not great," she managed after trying to figure out a way to talk around it or sugar coat it. But she didn't know she needed to with Annie. Not now. Not after this many years. Not when they'd shared so much – of the good and the bad and the ugly that Hank said created life and made family. Annie was family too. "His medical trial … the chemo … it's every eight weeks now. This year. It's taking a lot out of him. And … St. Ignatius … his time there, it's making mine look like it was a walk in the park."

Annie frowned at her. "Bullying?" she asked. Erin gave a small shrug. "Because of …?" she made a small gesture at her face.

Erin exhaled and shrugged again. "I don't know. I guess. And he's just … he's Ethan. He's different. He doesn't fit in."

Still, she reached and pulled her phone from her pocket, glancing at the lock screen. For all the texts Jay had sent her that day checking on her, he hadn't replied to hers. Though, she hadn't really wanted him to. She wanted to be left alone. To have some time to … deal with this. And she didn't know she wanted to talk about any of it with him when she did go home. Not tonight.

But she flipped to the photo album and scrolled through, trying to find something worth sharing. It ended up being a Christmas photo. She handed the phone to Annie, showing off the picture of Ethan and Jay displaying the X-Wing fighter that her grown-man of a fiancée had bought her little brother and had been just as excited and enthusiastic about putting together as Ethan.

The project had taken the better part of Ethan's Christmas break to complete. The two of them working at it together a bit at a time with Eth coming over nearly every night that week wanting to add some pieces to the ship. Erin was sure it'd taken them at least six hours to finish but they'd been meticulous about it. And Jay had resisted the urge to take over from Eth's tremoring hands and just sat helping him bit by bit when asked. Still, the two of them were seeming ecstatic by the size and the quality of the ship when it was done. Compared to the usual Star Wars Lego that Jay bribed him with each month, it was huge. And proudly displayed in the photo – and now proudly displayed in Ethan's bedroom.

"Star Wars?" Annie asked with a little smile.

Erin nodded and gestured at the phone. "There's other photos there. Christmas. Hank. Henry … my nephew."

Annie gave a little nod and Erin saw her swipe her thumb across the screen. "Travis wanted to see the new movie."

"We saw it," Erin allowed. "Ethan slept through part of it. It was just a few days after his chemo. He keeps asking to go back."

Annie made a quiet amused noise and that and shot her a look. "I sort of wanted to see it. But Travis went with friends."

Erin allowed a little nod. She knew it was only a matter of time before anything Ethan wanted to do would only be with Eva and Evan too. She thought they were likely getting down to the wire. By September – high school – he wouldn't want to be seen with them anymore. It was going to be another hard adjustment.

"It was OK," she allowed. "For a Star Wars movie. You didn't miss much."

Annie gave her a wider, quiet smile at that but then looked back to the phone screen. "He's cute," she said.

"Ethan?" Erin put back to her but nodded. "Yeah, he is."

"I meant Jay," Annie said, giving her a teasing smile.

Erin gave her eyes a bit of a roll. "You've seen him before," she said.

"In photos," Annie nodded at her again but quickly went back to the phone. "Ethan's cute too, though. It's crazy how much he looks like you."

Erin gave her head a little shake at that and reached to take the phone back. "He reminds me more and more of his dad," she muttered, looking down at the photo Annie had stopped on. It must've been one Jay had taken. She couldn't remember it. But her and Eth were flopped on the couch, staring at the back of one of the records she'd received over the holidays and she didn't doubt they were listening to it too. Ethan was pointing at something on the back of the sleeve and she was looking at him like he'd just astounded her with whatever it was that he'd said about it. And in that photo they did look like … brother and sister. She could see bits and pieces of herself in him. But lately, any more, she felt like it was all Hank she saw in him. Not just creeping out in his appearance but in how he held himself and in his attitude and how he talked and his mannerisms. And his anger.

"Or maybe you're reminding yourself more and more of your dad," Annie said, causing Erin to pull her eyes away from the picture. Because there was an awful truth in that. An awful truth that summer – that fall – had revealed. That she was more like Hank in more ways than she wanted to be. Than she ever thought she was.

Erin sighed a little. "He's not my dad," she put flatly. Because that seemed like the only absolution she was able to hold on to anymore.

"He raised you," Annie provided. "He took care of you."

"And look where that's gotten me …," she muttered.

Because for as much as she'd wanted him to be her dad – her real dad – in the past. As much as she wanted Camille to be her real mom. And her family to just be her family. That seemed so much like the past now. And even though they were her family – that she was connected to them and cared about them and still loved them – it was just all so different now.

Annie frowned at her. "I thought you two were doing better …"

Erin exhaled, letting her shoulders shrug. "We are. It's just …"

She didn't know what to say about it. How to explain it. To say it was complicated just seemed too simplistic. And doing better didn't mean everything was OK. It just meant … they were both trying. That they had an understanding. That they were trying to get on with life. As best they knew how. But a lot of days, she didn't feel like either of them knew too much.

"So …," Annie sighed in her own little way, "maybe rather than trying to live in the past or find some answers in the past or even run away from the past – maybe you should just let it all … live in the past, Erin. Just … let the family you have be your family. Because … maybe they all just want what you want too? You know?"

And … yeah. She did. And … yeah … maybe Annie was right. And accepting that might be easier than trying to fix that engine over and over again. Or trying to buy a new car now – this far down the road.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: I added a chapter to Aftermath the other day for those who missed it.**

 **Yes, I am likely going to do a chapter or two from around the Florida trip. I might do them sooner rather than later due to popular demand. However, I believe that there's an episode coming up related to Al and Lexi (and her getting hurt), so I might wait until after that. As, one of the chapters I have planned is on the homefront from Hank's POV and is in conversation with Al.**

 **As for some questions and comments on Jay/Erin's relationship on the show and if I'm going to reflect that in this series — I really don't read much in terms of spoilers on the show. So I really don't have any clue at any hints they've given about what they are doing with their relationship for the remainder of the season. So, no I'm not likely to mirror how they play out their relationship on the show. If there's little tidbits that I find as interesting points of exploration, I might play with them. But that will likely be the extent of it (i.e. if they break-up or take a break by the end of the season that will not likely be reflected but that doesn't mean they won't still have a bumpy road, arguments, etc.).**

 **And as for plans about this particular story in the series … a reminder … I don't really have an plot plan for this particular story. There is not an end-goal I'm working toward. I don't have a plot planned out to arc through. I'm really just treating it as scenes. Some of them will arc through little plots within the story. But there's not overarching plot planned. This is just meant as a way to explore some situations with the characters and to re-cast scenes in the show or explore some scenarios in the show deeper, and to generally explore stories and emotions and things within the characters.**

 **Your readership, feedback, comments and reviews are appreciated.**


	2. Driving Sacrifices

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

Hank wandered into H's bedroom. Hadn't taken a lot of looking to find Erin. Wasn't like there were a lot of places to disappear off to in the condo. But she'd still managed to disappear some. Actually got the impression that she just really wanted to disappear period. Almost surprised she'd agreed to come over to Olive's place – what had once been her place. But he was glad she had.

She gave him a small glance as he came into the room. She was standing at the window gazing down into the small park across the way from her building. Small but nice. Sure sign that the area was gentrifying. That all these young, urban professionals they'd spent years selling these dog-ass ugly condos too were now reaching the point they'd finally aged into adulthood and put down enough roots that they were starting families. Didn't just want the glass towers and the concrete with the garnet countertops and exposed brink in some sort of fancy factory-style loft anymore. They wanted fucking parks and green space for their kids to play in. Space – and places to take – their baby strollers.

Erin hadn't had much use for that feature of the developing neighborhood – that still had a whole lot more developing to do, as far as Voight was concerned. But, it was a nice feature to have for Olive and H. Though, he didn't know how long they'd stay there. Wasn't sure how much he liked the idea of his grandson having that much of an urban upbringing anyway. One bedroom condo? That's no way for a little kid to grow up in Chicago. But if Olive ended up being happy there and things all worked out, he wouldn't input his opinion too much on where H should be living. Was happy enough to just have him back in Chi-Town. That didn't mean, though, as Olive got a bit more settled and the whole school and part-time job and daycare thing worked it self out to the point it was routine, that he wouldn't be keeping a bit of an eye out and an ear to the ground about other options that might be a bit more suitable. Then it'd be figuring out how to broach the topic when he did.

Went over and stood with his girl then, though. Looked down too. Halstead had used the guise of taking the dog out for a piss to get the boys out from underfoot for a while. Kind of appreciated that. Appreciated Olive's invitation over for the big game, but that condo space really wasn't made for too many bodies – especially when two of them were kiddos. Though, he knew Erin had jammed her share of bodies in there for partying while she was working on doing a bit of a slip-and-slide on one of her banana peels. But the adults in the room now weren't drunk or stoned off their asses. Made all the difference about a willingness to share that little of space with four adults, two kids and a dog.

Looked like the scrimmaged football game they'd planned with Bear had petered out, though. Dog had likely already mangled Henry's little foam ball or he'd managed to come to the quick conclusion that a 19-month old and a kid on crutches didn't make for great teammates when it came to running any sort of plays. Or even tossing the ball around. Though, E had a decent arm. Had tossed the football around with the kid enough that he knew Magoo could get a good spin on the thing. But that was about where his skill set and abilities ended when it came to football.

Weather was so fucking weird that winter. All over the place. Feeling more like spring that weekend than fucking February. So the playground was fairly clear. At least of snow. Looked like other families were taking advantage of the decent temperatures and the space to run some of the sillies out for any other households in the surrounding buildings hosting gatherings for the Super Bowl. Not that it looked like Halstead and the boys were associated with any of the rest of the folks down there. Doing their own thing. H was trying to find his ramp legs in tottering full speed up to the toddler playset while E was working at dangling across the monkeybars. Even from up there it looked like Halstead was trying to decide who's tumble he was going to have to catch first – strategically placing himself in the middle of both kid's path of activity.

Hank allowed Erin a thin smile and gave her shoulder a small squeeze but she shrunk away from it some. So he let his arm come down and just looked out the window with her. Just watched.

"Where's your head at?" he asked.

She shrugged but then glanced around the room they were standing in. Olive had it all done up. Real nice too. Very much a little boy's room. Cars, cars everywhere. Blues and greens and yellows. Real bright. It was nice. She'd done a good job with it. And the amount of work and thought she'd put into, it gave Hank some heed. Knew it meant she'd be there for a while. She was going to try to make a go of this. Didn't need to worry about his grandson – what he had left of his son – ripped away from him. Not right now. Hopefully wouldn't have to worry until Olive finished up her schooling and her placement thing. And had to hope that with all the hospitals and medical centers and clinics and the population size of the city, that when all that was said and done, she'd be able to find some position in Chicagoland real easy. That she wouldn't be looking farther afield for work.

"Just hard to believe I lived here," Erin said flatly.

Hank allowed a grunt. Knew that that statement had layers to it. Supposed it was understandable that it did. But reality was even if you stripped that back and took it at face value, Erin and Olive were at two different points in their lives while occupying that space. Two pretty different people – women – to begin with. The place was going to look different. Just like the townhouse that Erin and Halstead were occupying now sure looked different than her set up in this condo, even though a lot of the furniture and decorating had made the move along with them. Thing was different people – at different stages in their lives – had made that move than the young woman Erin had been when she'd bought that place when she'd made detective. Those two women weren't the same people anymore either.

She must've realized her statement had undertones to it, though, because she glanced back into the living space. A real living space. Playspace and dining room and living room that worked as Olive's bedroom and desk space for her studies too. She had managed – and had to – cram a whole lot of living into that main room. But it seemed to be working for now. But, again, wasn't sure it'd make a lot of sense for the long-term.

"Is she doing OK out there?" Erin asked.

"Oh, yea," Hank allowed a little nod and his own sad, distracted smile. "She'd got it all under control."

"Shows how much she knew him, doesn't it?" Erin muttered.

Hank's smile got a little sadder. A little more distant. But he offered a grunt and a nod. Because it did.

He'd been taken a little off-guard when Olive had asked if had plans for Super Bowl Sunday. Hadn't. Had taken it as her looking to get a dinner invite – which she didn't need, especially on a Sunday. But had tossed it out anyway, because he didn't take opportunities to spend a couple hours with his grandson for granted anymore. Took everyone of them he could get. Went looking for them. And purposely made time for them too. But before he'd even fully gotten the offer out of his mouth – before he'd asked if there was anything specific she thought she might like on the table – she'd said she wanted to do something. To have them all over for dinner and the game.

"Justin and Super Bowl," Erin had muttered again. And it was about the same words that Olive had sheepishly mumbled at him too when she'd put out the invitation.

It was true, though. Justin and Super Bowl. His son had been such a hockey and football nut when he was little. Probably worse than Eth and ball now. Different way. More like Eth and dinosaur levels. Just obsessive about it all. But supposed little boys and sports. Hadn't really minded. Seemed like just something you did with your kids – your sons – had them signed up for some of the leagues.

But Super Bowl? J just loved that. Had when he was little but after Erin arrived on the scene and then E – it was clear it was about more than the game or the food. His oldest boy had effectively carved that out as their father-son time. Their day. And even after all the bullshit J had pulled over his teens, even after Camille was gone, and even after the drunk driving – his son still wanted that day with him. Still wanted to watch the game with him. When his son was in jail, still got a call on Super Bowl Sunday. When he was in Basic. Right up to last year. Still got the call. Still got asked if he was going to watch the game. And had got the text after it about who'd won or who'd lost. If J was real worked up about, he might've even got one of those ninety second phone calls from his son.

One day a year that they'd really seemed to be able to touch base and just … be. Put the bullshit aside for a few hours and just fucking be.

Wished there'd been more days in a year like that. More days in J's lifetime that had been like that. And there had been. The sad part was that Hank just felt like they hadn't had many of them for a real long time. And now that was something they'd never get back. Never repair. A real cat's cradle. Little boy blue and the man and moon. Time comes and goes too fucking quickly. Sometimes it's gone before you know it.

He was trying to be more conscious of that. With Eth. With H. With Erin – as much as she'd let him now. And, if she wouldn't or couldn't – since she was an adult woman now and things were just … different – maybe she'd at least let him be more conscious of it if she brought some more grandchildren into the family for them all to enjoy.

"He'd like the menu," was all Hank said, though. Really all he could manage. Because Erin liked him to form words rather than just grunting acknowledgement anymore. And that was something he was trying to be more conscious of too.

A smile grew on Erin's face, though. A real one. And she actually found his eyes in her amusement.

"Yeah," she agreed.

Truth in that statement too. Real truth. Olive was cooking up a storm of junk food that topped out Justin's list of favorites. Hot wings and corn chips and chili. Ranch everything – even if some grown-up sense had kicked in and its side was fresh veggies this year. And baked potatoes being another compromise, with Olive noting she knew J would've opted for loaded potato skins but she'd figured since Eth couldn't eat them she'd pass on that. Hank was still sure Magoo would be happy to load his potato does with all the bacon bits, chili and salsa out anyway.

Not much of a meal in Hank's books. But definitely reflective of his son. At least his memories of him when he was a kid. Even if such indulgences eventually just got regulated to just Super Bowl weekend. Thankfully. So Hank would indulge too. Let everyone else without comment. Though, he didn't know where they were going to put all that food. But was also sure that the leftovers wouldn't go to waste.

Just like even though he knew that Eth and Erin hadn't had much interest in sitting down to watch a football game – even the Super Bowl – in years past, they would sit there that night. Watch it with him. Watch it with Olive. Watch it for Justin.

It was fucked up what things followed after you after you'd lost one of your own. What became traditions and memories. And what just fell to the wayside.

The things grief made you do. And did to you.

"It's real good of you to be letting Olive and H use this place," Hank said, since he got the smile. Since there was more to her standing in that toddler room that had once been hers. Her whole being was saying that. "I really appreciate it."

Erin just shrugged. Because he'd said as much to her before. Because he'd tried to reach some agreement with her on him paying her mortgage there on Olive's behalf until Olive got a bit more settled and sorted and could take over on her own. But Erin wouldn't take his money. Any of it. Whatever the reason. And it wasn't something to press at while they were still trying to repair their relationship. Even though he knew her and Halstead could be using the cash in better places rather than managing two mortgages.

But he'd leave any more discussion – or browbeating – about it until the spring. When Erin said it'd be a better time to sell anyway. When hopefully they'd repaired their relationship enough that she wouldn't prickle as much about him trying to work with her – and Olive – to set up a plan about how they were going to manage paying for the place if that's where Olive wanted to say or where might make more sense if she didn't or couldn't manage with helping out with the payments yet.

"It's not a big deal," Erin said.

"Kind of is," he allowed flatly. Because it was. And wasn't the kind of thing that everyone – or anyone – would do for someone else. Because Hank knew Erin had qualms about him and about her relationship with Justin and about Olive in general, not to mention how that little family came to be.

"Family …," she put back to him just as flatly.

And he grunted. He gazed at her. Because she hadn't used that word a whole lot since her brother died. Or at least not since that night at the Silos. Even though they were working at being a family again. Even though they'd made some real strides. That it felt like he was starting to have his girl back – not just that he had his daughter-in-law and grandson back. And he knew that it was his girl who'd got Olive and Henry back in his life for him. Knew it was Erin who kept chipping at Eth and reminding his youngest that no matter how much he hated him in a particular moment, he was still his father and still loved him. But even in all of that "family" hadn't been a word Erin had batted around much. Or at all as far as he knew.

She just kept looking down into the park, though. So he joined her in staring down again. They had H in the swing now. Looked like Bear was loving it almost as much as Henry. Being a real under-doggie as he dodged back and forth. Stupid mutt.

"He's good with them …," Hank allowed flatly. Wasn't even sure he meant to say it. Just kind of came up in his effort to provide a bit more than a grunt at every one of her statements.

"He really wants kids," she said and trailed off.

Must've been her own slip. But maybe not. Could see that being in her condo-turned-toddler-town was weighing on her. Could see little glimpses of it every time she was around Henry. Quiet sadness. A touch of regret. He knew the look. The eyes. Had seen it play across Camille's being for years. And even after they'd managed to piece together their little family, there'd still be times – and times of year – that he'd see it dance in her. Some losses and missing pieces never get found. Didn't matter what other pieces you got in your life to plug that hole. Didn't quite mend it. Ever.

That was a statement he didn't know what to say to, though. Not without saying something that ended up with him having his foot in his mouth. Wasn't too sure she wanted him to respond either. Because those kinds of statements – they weren't a territory they'd weighed into for a while either.

"He didn't used to," she said, her arms tucked up around her more protectively. But she'd been doing that a lot that afternoon. Had her armor on to around them. To be there. "Before …"

Hank just let a grunt to that and gazed down at the boys' antics. Monkeys. "Don't know most guys do until they're with someone they want to have them with," he allowed.

She gave him a glance. But he kept his eyes down in the park too. Something strange about getting to know the other half of the genes that will make up your grandchildren. Been a crash course with Olive. It was different with Jay. He was getting to know him over time. Learning about lot of different facets of him. Seeing him as a cop and a man. Watching him not just with his daughter but with his son and now his grandson. His daughter-in-law. It created a different familiarity. A comfort level – and a strangeness – about the reality they'd likely be the one fathering grandchildren with your girl that you'd raised. This protectiveness intermingled with just … an understanding that he'd be just as protective with those kids he did sire. He wasn't sure if it made it easier than just having a girl show up at your place of work telling you she was pregnant with your son's child. Or just different.

But J. Erin. Ethan. It all was so fucking different. Kids are. It wasn't worth even trying to compare it. Wasn't worth trying to do it the same with each one. You couldn't. And in a lot of ways, he sure wished he'd come to that conclusion a whole lot sooner in his life. In his marriage. In his fatherhood.

Erin's eyes only set on his for a moment, though. Long enough to measure him. For her to decide how he felt about that statement he'd just made. Then they drifted back through the window. Back to maybe where they rightfully belonged. Where they were needed. Should be.

"I don't know how you do the job and have a family," she muttered. "That survives. Look at Dawson. Or Al. … Or Jules."

Hank grunted. Even though he knew he wasn't supposed to. But needed to weigh how to answer that. Because those were all different situations. Different than her and Jay. Different than him and Camille. Each marriage was fucking different. Each family. And it really all came down to your patience and your willingness to work at it. And marriage – family – it was just like any other job, if you wanted to see the benefits and the pay-off. You needed to work at it. Really fucking work at it. And there's going to be times it's an uphill battle. There's going to be real boring plateaus that seem never-ending. Going to fucking rocky moments. There's going to be lows. And there's going to be highs. It's not a race. It's a fucking marathon. And you really just have to be both committed to plodding along. Willing to put in the work. And you've got to be realistic about what the benefits and pay-offs are. And you've got to redefine happiness and contentment. Stop chasing for more and be happy with where you're at and what you have. And work at turning that little lot in life you have into the best lot you can all manage. Not be looking for an upgrade all the time.

And sometimes you're just going to loose sight of all that. Sometimes you'll fuck up. Or you'll decide you can do better. Or be better off alone. Sometimes you'll just want a break – from the spouse or from the kids. Or from the chores and honey-dos and errands. Because marriage and family and kids and parenthood – it was fucking work and it wasn't no walk in the rose garden.

But time's limited. Even through the fucking bullshit and the doldrums. So make the most of it. Wasn't one to quit midstream. To tuck tail and run. And hoped he'd taught as much to his kids. That it'd be something of value they'd take from their upbringing. For all his faults as a man, husband and father – he'd stuck it out – marriage, family and fatherhood. For better or worse. And he'd fucking worked at it. He still did. Up in the fucking Rockies. Or the pit of Hell. Depending on the day.

"I don't know how you and Camille did it …," Erin acknowledged quietly – saving him from having to try to analyze, criticize or defend anything that had happened to any other marriages or families of those in his bullpen.

Having to breakdown what it meant to be a cop and to raise a family – that seemed somehow easier. Or at least it gave him an out to look at his own attempt to make it work.

"My experience was that having an understanding wife who made a lot of personal and professional sacrifices helped a whole lot," he rasped.

"Camille and sacrifices worth making …," Erin said.

It got another grunt. Because Cami wasn't always thrilled about the sacrifices she had to make. The things she had to give up. The concessions and compromises that had to be made. But she did. She made them. And, Hank still felt if she was there, she'd tell the kids that she didn't regret that. Any of it. That family was worth it. That they were worth it. And that she'd had a good life – personally and professionally. That she'd achieved some of her dreams and goals. And she'd gotten to share that with them. That that was a whole lot more than some people could claim – even if her life and their family and her job and career hadn't been perfect. Even though not everything that gone according to plan. And they'd had their rough periods – in marriage and in family and in life. And they'd had their heart-breaks and sorrows. But they'd pulled through. Together. And they'd worked at raising three great kids. Poured their hearts and souls into them. And all that counted for something. It was worth sacrificing for. It still was. Just like any more grandkids that he got – they'd be worth sacrificing for up until his last breath too. Because that's just the way it was supposed to work. In his opinion.

"Good talker too," Hank manage. "Common sense. Reality check. Patrol and family. Wasn't going to work for us. Undercover. Marriage can only survive so much of that. Especially after kids are on the scene. Made sure I knew when I was getting close to trying her patience. When it was time for me to make a sacrifice. Make a change."

"So we're screwed …," Erin muttered.

Hank shook is head, looking down at Halstead. Jay. Had already seen he was a man willing to make sacrifices. And knew that even though he didn't see either of them leaving CPD any time soon, that there'd be other units willing to take either of them. Knew that there were other jobs that were a bit more 9-to-5 in the force – when they were ready to consider that. Knew that Halstead was already be pursued, if he decided he wanted to make the switch. And knew too that he was nudging toward enough years and experience that if he wanted to do some of the promotion exams, he could get work toward setting himself up to settle into a supervisor role that'd let him have enough reign over his schedule most days that he'd still make it to an kiddo's Little League games some years down the road.

But also knew it'd take time and conversation and sacrifice for either – or both – of them to get on that page. Because they were still young. Because they were good cops. And they wanted to be in the field. They didn't want to be paper pushers behind a desk or dog cops on never-ending night shifts. But your stance on all that changed with marriage, with family, with children. Didn't have to happen all at once, though. It was incrementally. Through little life changes and big ones. Where you ended up ultimately making the decisions and the sacrifices that were best for your family. Even if it meant you didn't end up in your dream job. Your dreams changed after kids. Your goals. Your hopes. Your priorities.

"Don't think so," he said and caught her eyes – or at least the corner of them. "Alsp learned that in a lot of marriages – when it comes to family – the wife does most of driving. You want it to work, though, Erin, let him drive sometimes. Think you'd be surprised how it all works out. Pretty sure Halstead can figure out the directions. Get you to where you want to be. Or need to."

She let her eyes set on him. They stayed there. But then drifted back to that window. And he let them. Because it was where they wanted to be. Needed to too.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: Two chapters got added today. Please make sure you see the one immediately before this, The Journey. For those that have already read The Journey, some additional dialogue between Jay and Erin has been added in the middle of the chapter. So you may wish to go back and re-read that section of it. Your readership, reviews and comments are appreciated.**


	3. Number Three

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

Jay glanced back down at his desk as Voight dropped a bulking file on his desk, just as he'd made the mistake of thinking he could flip off his monitor and get the hell out of there for the day. That he'd read Erin's looks across the way that she was done for the day too and was ready to bolt before something else fell into their laps. But apparently they hadn't been fast enough. Voight had the whole timer of when you were still on the city's clock down to the second. And apparently he'd stood up a few seconds too early and now was going to end up putting in unpaid OT to look at whatever the hell this was since he'd seen fit to take leave a few seconds early.

Jay let out a slow breath and looked down at the folder. "What's this?" he mumbled at Voight, who was already almost back in his office. But Jay's annoyance shifted to mild confusion as he lifted the file and squinted at it. He gave Voight a cock-eyed glance, tilting his eyebrow in more questioning.

Voight stepped back into the bullpen, making a gesture at the folder. "Apparently transferring anything but academic records from the junior high admin offices over to the high school ones is more than Ignatius can handles. So gotta fill out all his fucking paperwork again. Medical records, authority, emergency contacts," he grunted. "Look it over. Fill out your shit. Sign the line."

Jay squinted down at the pile of paper more as that set in. But Voight was already jutting his thumb at Olinsky. "Give it to O after," he said with a nod at the other man. Olinsky just grunted. "Put you last on the list," he told the guy. "Since you can't wrap your head around checking messages." O allowed what was passable as a smile, if you knew him, and drummed at his desk. "Don't need to read it. Just don't let the docs do anything stupid, if you ever get the call and actually pick up."

Olinsky just made a small sound of acknowledgement and rolled back into his desk more and what he was doing. Because what was Al ever doing when he was at his desk. Usually just waiting for an excuse to get out from behind it as far as Jay could tell. But never in any big hurry to get out from behind it if it meant he was headed home and had free time on his hands. And Jay got the impression that lately, O had a bit too much alone time going on in his life again.

Hank's finger jutted back at Erin at that point. "There's dotted lines for you too," he said. "Then take it down to Trudy. Need you to stop by the house over the weekend. Got a—" but he stopped talking and made that smack sound. Jay looked up from his gaze at the documentation that been put in front of him, the slow absorption of what was there – but more specifically the place it was giving him in that family. In Ethan's life. Number three. He was number three on the list of people in Eth's life. The third choice of who to go to in an emergency – falling only after his dad and sister. And even though that had somehow been an unstated reality for a while, seeing that acknowledgement there on paper was strange. Being asked to sign his name next to it was strange. Having Voight silently – but not silently – acknowledge it in writing, was strange. And somehow it was taking him a moment to to really wrap his head around it. To accept what it was saying. What it meant.

He glanced at Voight in his sudden silence and followed his eyes over to Erin. She was giving him a look of disapproval and clearly standing her ground. There was a stubbornness to the look. That heels dug in look that you had to make a call on if it was a battle you were going to fight with her – or if you were going to resign. Give her her way. Or if you were going to try to show her the error in her ways. Her bias. Or somewhere she'd stuck her head in the ground. Or just gotten too comfortable.

But in the look, he realized it was Voight who'd gotten too comfortable. That him and Erin had made enough leaps and bounds in coming to some sort of reconciliation that he thought he could manage their outside of the job time again. Dictate how they spent their days off. Where'd they'd be in that time. And if Eth would be a part of it. And as much as Eth was still incorporated into their daily, weekly and monthly schedules to the point it felt like they were in a shared custody situation, there'd been an unspoken agreement that they decided the who, what, when and how of what that time with E was going to look like. If Voight wanted them to take the kid at a specific time or either of them to be in a specific place at a specific time, it better come as a request or an invitation – not an order.

Voight let out another smack in their little stand-off. But apparently decided to stand-down. Maybe recognized that he'd crossed the fragile line they'd established in re-establishing their relationship. Jay knew Voight was smart enough – was trying hard enough to keep what was left of his family together – that he wasn't going to test that. Jay appreciated that. Because the whole situation had been fucked up and stressful enough in the fall without the added strained dynamic. He'd really fucking prefer to keep moving passed it – and moving on. He didn't want to go back to August and September … and October and November, and even December. Progress. Things still weren't exactly perfect. No where near what they'd been previously – not that that had been any where near perfect either. But at least they were getting to the point they were almost functional again. And they were getting over the constant walking on eggshells around each other. The added distrust and tension that wasn't doing anything for any of their attitudes or dispositions – at work or outside of it.

"You got some time to stop by this weekend?" Voight rephrased.

Erin shrugged at him. "Maybe," she allowed.

Jay cocked his own eyebrow at her across the way. Not that she was looking at him. But it wasn't like they had plans. They rarely had anything that resembled plans. At least anything that was pressing. Their plans pretty much consisted of drinking, eating, sleeping, sexing. And he wouldn't exactly call that plans, as much as he would call them some sort of pyramid of the needs of adult existence. Knew that if they weren't interacting with Eth that weekend (which rarely happened), that about the most they'd get up to was more adulting. Cleaning, errands, groceries. Their lives since getting the house had gotten pretty mundane and boring. If they reached any level of exciting, they'd go for a drink at Molly's. Or they'd go out to eat. Or they'd go to the gym. That was about as thrilling as it got. Good thing their jobs were interesting or they'd officially be fucking boring people. Apparently your thirties and home-ownership did that to you. It was like you were paying for the place – so you might as well stay in or some shit.

Voight just smacked at her again. "Your brother requested ham. Going to see what they've got on the market at Paulina's tomorrow. If you want to come by for dinner," he rasped at her. Bit of an edge, bit of annoyance. But could also see he was trying. Sort of.

"That an invitation?" Erin put back to him. Because apparently, he wasn't trying enough for her in that moment.

And Voight's distaste at that – or more likely that they were having that kind of stand-off in the bullpen with Burgess within earshot and O still sitting there. Though, they were both trying to look like they were oblivious to it. Jay sort of wished he could pretend he was too. Because sometimes the whole fucking power struggle was a little much. He got it. But he also felt like they had to pick their battles in all of this – and that exact moment didn't seem like one worth fighting. Especially when he hadn't had a chance yet to sign the dotted line that made him Number 3 for Magoo. Didn't want it snatched away from him as quickly as it'd be plopped down in front of him.

Voight's tongue made it way around his mouth. That fucking unimpressed pucker. But he still opted to step down. "Would you like to come by for dinner tomorrow?" he put more bluntly. Wasn't exactly a polite invitation at that point. In fact, Jay sort of suspected Voight wanted to rescind the invitation all together at that point.

"Is Jay invited too?" she put back to him again.

"Don't get stupid on me," Voight graveled, giving her a little nod of warning at that point.

Erin's eyes stayed on Voight's for a long beat but then she cast him a look. He raised his own eyebrow at her. A silent communication that he didn't really see the point in prolonging this argument either. She'd made her point. Voight had conceded. Time to move on. A whole lot of all of this was just letting go and moving on. Sometimes the past had to just be left to live there. Of course, Jay was better at preaching that than he was at applying it to his own family. It was different now, though. He was an adult. He was picking and creating his own family. Making it his own way and his way. So he was willing to let go of certain things with certain people in certain circumstances as a means to certain ends. This situation met those criteria. For now.

Besides – free food. And food they didn't have to buy, prep, cook or clean up after. And would likely be sent home with leftovers. And, honestly, not that cooking a ham was exactly rocket science – but Jay was still pretty sure that whatever Voight put on the table would taste better than anything him and Erin would manage. Especially on a Saturday night. Because on a Saturday night – they'd likely be looking at the sad state of their fridge and contemplating getting take out or going out. Only to have a back-and-forth that consisted of them deciding they didn't really have enough leeway in their budget to warrant going out or ordering in dinner just because they felt like being lazy asses. So they'd either end up pulling something fucking disgusting that Erin had picked up processed and boxed and shoved in their freezer. Or they'd be eating cereal, eggs, toast or throwing something that resembled a salad together with whatever was left – and not browned and wilted to the point of being disgusting – from their week's vegetables. Which would ultimately make them decide they should do groceries. Then they'd end up spending more money than they should on groceries because they were hungry. And they'd probably end up picking up over-priced food that had been sitting in the hot bar for hours getting more disgusting than when it was dumped in there – just because at that point they didn't really feel like cooking when they got home. So ultimately the evening would've cost them more than just going out and enjoying a meal in the first place. Not to mention it would've been about 100-times lamer.

Not that going and spending a couple hours with "dad" and little brother on a Saturday night was exactly the way Jay had envisioned his social life or free time to look like at this point in his life either. But it wasn't exactly awful either. Food and TV. And if Eth wasn't in a mood, the kid could be mildly entertaining. And if he was in a fucking mood – there was the dog. And if the whole house was in a mood – it wasn't their house so they could fucking leave whenever they wanted.

Preferably after they'd claimed leftovers.

Erin's eyes shifted back to Voight. "OK," she allowed flatly. "That sounds fine."

Voight smacked but gave another nod of acknowledgment. "There's another form I need you to sign," he said. "Financial one. For his subsidy. Haven't had a chance to get it all filled out yet with that fucking novel," he gestured again at the pile of papers Jay had let himself sit back down at his desk to examine. "But need you to sign off on some statement that you aren't contributing financially to his education."

There was distaste to how Voight said it. Jay knew it wasn't about the fact that Erin wasn't contributing financially to Eth's schooling. Truth was, if Erin had her way, she'd likely be handing Voight chunks of her pay check to put toward Eth's education costs and health care. But that wasn't something within the realm of considerations that Voight would ever entertain. The whole concept that he needed to take money from his kids to support his family would be downright insulting to the guy. And they all knew that Voight had his own ways of dealing with those expenditures, and it was just best not to ask too many questions about "the bank in the basement", as Erin called it. Though, she'd just as quickly indicate that any money that came out of and was put toward anything to do with Eth was money that Hank or the kid's mom had earmarked for the kid already – not other more questionable contributors. Made Jay wonder exactly what the account division looked like in that vault, if he ever got to see inside. Knew too, though, that Voight had his own lawyers and actual accounts set up in other places a little bit more legit and secure than the basement safe.

The distaste came from that unstated acknowledgement too that Erin – and Jay – contributed to Eth's education in a whole lot of other ways that went beyond cash. They were pretty fucking active members in it. And they went out to enough of the shit that Iggy's hosted that they sure as fuck were contributing financially to the school too. Even if it was labeled as "fundraising" crap. And even though the amount of time and money they put into that school's coffers didn't seem to count to whatever this "family commitment" the students were supposed to be making to the school annually – which apparently was in the realm of $2500 and 60 "volunteer" or "community service" hours with the church, the dioceses or the school. Or could be reduced by $600, if Voight was willing to let Eth put in at least an hour each week after school collecting trash and doing various landscaping work and other clean-up and tidying around the campus and its grounds.

It hadn't sounded like a bad deal. Really an hour each week, would be like maybe 15-20 minutes a day after final bells. Kid could really be assigned so much to do in that amount of time and likely take too much out of him. But Voight had bristled at the idea when it'd been put to him. Jay had been there to hear the rant.

Voight usually put forward an attitude having a job and doing that job well counted for more than whatever the job was. That you worked for your community and your family. Weren't jobs you were too good for and didn't frown on the kind of work that hard-working people did to support those they loved and were responsible for. But he'd seen this proposal very differently. Had seen it as another way to draw attention to the fact that Eth was a subsidy kid at the school. That he still paid the school enough money each fucking year, that his kid wasn't going to become some sort of part-time janitor under some sort of self-righteous guise that it was a charity case. Or like Ethan picking up the other self-entitled brats' garbage was somehow going to make him more a part of the school community or let him contribute more to that community.

And for all Voight's preaching about a job being a job and just getting hours under your vest – being responsible – he'd fucking bristled even more at the suggestion that by taking on this work-for-a-discount service that his son would be garnering some sort of valuable skills. His child wasn't going to be a janitor, he'd growled. And gone farther to add, "Not paying Ignatius to have a kid who spends his life asking people if they want fries with that."

And Jay got it. Eth had his chores at home. He did the mandated volunteer and charity work at school. He had a father who preached to him about life's meaning coming out of being of service. A family who lived that. Civic duty. Self sacrifice. Doing dirty work and taking on shitty jobs and roles. Doing things that other people didn't want to do because they needed to be done. He didn't need to be taught that at school. Or forced into it in front of all the other kids, who didn't need a discounted fee or subsidized tuition.

What Voight wanted for his kid was self-worth and self-respect. Making him clean up other people's messes – even though a lot of life seemed to be just that – wasn't going to help with that. Not when the wants who made the mess got to stand there laughing at him while he did it.

Jay knew Voight just wanted Eth to come out of Ignatius with enough skills, education and self-confidence that come his Senior year, they'd be able to get him into some sort of community college and on the track for some sort of job that made him feel like his life was worthwhile and had some meaning. That he was worthwhile. That he wasn't just his disabilities. That he wasn't just some brain damaged, cripple.

And Eth wasn't. Jay got that. They all did.

"OK," Erin allowed. Because she knew the circumstances around all the bullshit even better than Jay did. She lived it.

"Would appreciate," Voight really stressed that word, but with too much tone, "if you'd take a look at his curriculum guide, and if we could have a chat about it. Going need some back-up in swaying E on some of his levels and electives and want to have a plan in place before the sit-down with his academic counselor."

Jay gave Erin another small glance from his reading. Again there was the unspoken transition going on there. Voight had been letting her in on some of Eth's academic stuff more that year. She'd been invited to various meetings with his teachers and aides and tutors and the school administrators. She'd been allowed to see some of his grades and reports and comments in his agenda without having to wrestle them out of Voight or go digging through Eth's backpack or having Mouse hack into the family's fucking Iggy's account – which really wasn't that protected. But, Jay supposed when guy's like Mouse were going at these things, few things really were. Not that he was around to do that kind of hacking for them anymore. So it was likely a good thing that Voight had decided to let Erin into the loop when it came to Eth's education. And seemed to at least be willing to listen to her thoughts and opinions – even if he ultimately didn't up listening to them.

"When's the meeting?" she asked. Hadn't broken eye contact with Voight.

"Fifteenth," he said flatly. "Trying to get a crack-of-dawn slot for us. Should come, if you can. Or want."

She just nodded. "Yea. I want to be there."

Hank grunted and looked at her and then shook his head, crossing his arms and gazing at the floor for a moment. "Curriculum guide's changed a lot since you and J were in high school," he mumbled and found her eyes. "Don't even send it home. Fucking ebook. I'll send it to you."

"Is it in his portal?" she put flatly.

"Mmm …," he allowed.

"I'll login. Take a look," she said.

He gave a little nod of acknowledgement again. Stared at her another long beat. "You know if the iPad is a Two?"

She squinted at him and finally gave Jay a glance. "Umm … it's a Mini," she allowed flatly.

"So it's not a Two?" Voight pressed again.

"Ahh …," Erin shrugged and looked at Jay more questioningly.

He rocked back in his chair a bit, lifting his eyes from reading all the medical documentation that had been dropped in front of him. All these forms filled out by Eth's doctors and ophthalmologist and dentist and allergist. These lists of allergies and medications and test results and explanation of conditions and accommodations the kid needed to be granted in the classroom, hallways and on the playing field and in the gym. Paperwork granting the nurses the right to give him his meds. More paperwork letting him have certain medications with him and on his body in certain amounts. Emergency contacts and emergency orders. And the strange realization that even though he'd been ordered to red it and memorize it, that he hadn't yet come across anything in the documents that he didn't already know. This was all information he could recite off to the school or a paramedic or an E.R. doc. These were all accommodations he could fight for and provide objective reasoning on why Eth needed them and deserved them. That he didn't need the list of medications to know what was what and what did what and what the dosage – and timing – of each was.

"iPad 2 is a model," Jay provided. Considering they were an Intelligence Unit, it was pretty astounding how technology illiterate … some … of their crew could be.

Voight grunted. "We using Twos here?"

"Ah …," Jay shrugged too. "We're using Airs. I don't know if they're Air 2s or not. Not likely." The Ivory Tower apparently didn't think having up-to-date technology – and the budget for it – was a priority for their Intelligence unit.

"What's the difference between an iPad and an Air?" Voight graveled.

Jay gave another shrug. "Weight. When they were released. The iOS. I don't think they make just iPads anymore."

That got another grunt. "What's the Pro? Just their newest gimmick?"

"Yea," Jay conceded. "And a bigger screen. More processing power."

That got a more unimpressed grunt. And a smack. "iPad is mandatory for high school now. Paperwork says it needs to be at least a Two. So what we've got at home? That's not going to fly?"

Jay shrugged and gave Erin a look but she just shrugged right back at him. "I think the real difference between the Minis and the Airs – which are pretty much the iPads now – is just screen size. I'm not sure what model of the Mini you got for Eth. Likely at least one generation back by now. You'd have to ask if it's a screen size thing or an app thing or a processing power or capacity thing that has them recommending the iPad. But if they say you can get an iPad 2 … maybe a Mini would be fine. Or the Twos … they're likely so obsolete now, you might be able to pick one up on the cheap somewhere…"

Hank grunted but Erin looked at him more directly. "You sure it doesn't say an Air 2, Hank?"

He just looked at her. Long and hard. Figured that likely meant she'd hit that nail on the head but he wasn't about to verbally acknowledge it. Because he just smacked, turned back to his office, grunting again and gesturing at the file Jay still had in front of him and mumbling something about the fucking school bleeding him dry. Whatever affinity Voight might've had for Ignatius when it came to his older kids and his honoring his wife's wishes seemed to be what was really drying up when it came to Eth. Not that there was a chance in hell that Voight would transfer the kid to the public system for high school, though.

Him and Erin shared a long look - slightly amused – but then she nodded at him finish up what he had in front of him. Because she wanted to get out of there too. Because they were now off the clock – and still in the bullpen, without a breaking case keeping there and opening cases that weren't going to get closed that night no matter how many hours they put in.

So he shifted his eyes back down to the paperwork. He flipped through the final few pages. The ones that he really didn't need to read, because what he had read left him confident that this – now – when it came to Eth, this was just their everyday. This shit he knew. Back-to-front, front-to-back without going through line-by-line.

So instead he focused on the line that needed his attention. The Emergency Notification and Medical Release form. The one for if there as any kind of emergency at the school. If the kid got sick. If the kid had an accident. The one that had a space for six people to be placed in the order that the parent or guardian wanted them call – if any emergency did arise. The one where you knew for most people, going to a Catholic high school, the expectation would be that it'd be their two parents, followed by their two sets of grandparents.

But not Ethan.

There, staring in his face, was a list of names that Voight had ranked in his order of preference and priority. That he should be called first. That if he couldn't be reached, then Erin should be called. And, if Erin couldn't be reached – there was his own name at Number Three. He was ahead of Olive. Ahead of Al. Ahead of Platt. And he supposed that should make sense but somehow, it was still strange and still surprising.

More surprising … Hank had filled out the first could fields. The name and the relation to the minor. And, in that column, next to "HALSTEAD, JAY", Voight had scribbled down "brother-in-law". A stretching the truth at the moment – but not likely come September when Eth started his freshman year. Yet, still strange to see it written that way. To feel it written that way. In Voight's writing. In fucking writing. And still ahead of Ethan's sister-in-law, and the kid's godfather and Platt, who only got the title of "family friend", Jay knew would still fucking storm the hospital to make sure Ethan was being looked after properly and would issue a fucking Code Red to track down Voight, if it'd reached the point that she ever had to be called out of her spot on the list. And even though she had fallen into slot Number Five – Jay also knew that when this packet got taken down for her to sign, she'd feel a great appreciation and gratitude about being recognized – and trusted enough – to be included. Just as much as he need with where he'd landed. Because he'd made the list.

He reached for his pen, scribbling in his address and email and home phone and work phone and cell phone numbers. And then gazed at the form for another long moment, before he signed off next to his name – acknowledging he'd seen the release and he accepted the responsibilities that came with it.

He'd officially made the list. This mish-mashed list of people who bore no blood relation. But had still evolved into a family. Of some shape or kind. And, somehow, that list – that family tree – was one he was OK being on. One he wasn't ashamed to have his name inscribed next to.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: So, we'll see how this goes. I still have no idea if/when I'll continue Aftermath or if these chapters will eventually meld into that story. But for now — I'm just going to put them here.**

 **Keep in mind this is going to be more in the tradition of Scenes, where the chapters might not be that chronological — they'll just be scenes to explore certain character interactions, story and plot possibilities and maybe some inspirations from episodes. This will not necessarily form a self-contained story. Right now, it's not working toward much of anything. i.e. — There's no huge plot plans. It literally is just random scenes and ideas to explore.**

 **I will still try to put the chapters into a general order over time to make it seem more chronological. But shen that will happen … ?**

 **I also am still not sure how much or how often I'll update this. It will likely just be a more when I feel like it, get inspired by something, have an idea … and more importantly have the time to screw around with this kind of writing.**

 **However, your readership, reviews. comments and feedback are appreciated.**

 **But, still keep in mind, that I see my AU stories as Voight focused. There will be Jay/Erin chapters and chapters told from their perspective — and you'll get to see a continued evolution and ups-and-downs in their relationship. But ultimately, I am interested in writing about Voight's relationship with his family, his kids (Ethan and Erin) and his thoughts and justifications of how he perceives his morals. Don't except wedding bells or baby feet (beyond Henry's) to suddenly take over this series.**


	4. Spaghetti and Meatballs

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

Hank glanced across the table from responding to the vibrations going on on his phone. Looked like something might be popping. Wouldn't be surprised if he ended up having to head out to a scene that night. But with the way his son was acting, probably wouldn't be too upset about that. Sometimes dealing with morons, assholes and run-of-the-mill monsters was still a nice break from having to deal with a sulking teenager.

He clattered his phone onto the table. Done it loudly and purposely to catch his boy's attention. And had accomplished that. Magoo at least startled and slightly lifted his head off where he had it flopped against crossed arms that were clearly blocking anything he could be absorbing out of that textbook he had open in front of him – but had been doing a real good job at not looking at.

Hank adjusted himself slightly. Crossing his legs. Folding his hands in his lap and giving the kid a small gesture.

"Going to let me in on why you're working on your pout-pout face over there?" he put to him.

It was a book. Kiddie book. One that Erin had gotten for Henry. That she thought was real funny. Even funnier getting him to read it to his grandson. Over and over reciting the lines about the pout-pout fish with its pout-pout face, spreading his weary-drearies all over the place.

Likely supposed to be some sort of commentary. Joke was on her, though, because his grandson loved the book. And Hank loved reading to his grandson.

Didn't have any qualms about reading to his kids. Not when they were little. Not now. Didn't much care what his girl's fucking transparent commentary was behind the gift. Thought there was a better social lesson in the text for H. Likely for Magoo too. Maybe one of the two of them would absorb that commentary eventually. Work a bit on their dispositions. Them doing that – all of them, his girl included – might actually be what helped him with his own too.

E, though, just gave him a suitably unimpressed huff and flopped his head right back to where it'd been. Hank glanced at the screen on his phone, as it vibrated again.

"Do your homework," he instructed, picking up the thing and reading the information on the phone's screen.

That one warranted a reply.

Was carrying enough of Homicide's caseload for them these days. So much for team effort. Fucking team effort. Violent Crimes shoving down his throat when he got Intelligence that he wasn't a team player. That he did things his way and that wasn't going to fly outside of Gangs. Clearly they didn't have a fucking clue about the kind of team work and trust in your team that was needed to work a job that had you on the streets like that day-in, day-out, mostly dealing with kids who'd gotten themselves born into bad situations and had managed to let themselves dig into their circumstances even deeper to the point they didn't think they had any way out. You don't work on the streets, you don't work undercover in situations like that, you don't work with teenaged kids – if you don't know how to be on a team and learn to read all the players around you. Might have his own way of running the drills – but still needed players on the field who could run them and knew the rules.

Too many dog cops sitting with their thumbs on their ass anymore when that was the exact opposite of what their city needed. Knew that Crowley had her nose in everything with them lately. Since August. Didn't get so much control in picking what cases he wanted his team to pursue. She kept funneling them crap whether it fell into their little basket of expertise or not. Turning his guys into fucking generalists rather than the specialized team they were supposed to be. That pissed him off enough. But some of the cops over in Homicide who seemed to be working on developing some calluses on their asses? That just royally pissed him off more.

If they weren't going to be team players, wasn't planning to take another one for the team right now. His guys had enough of an open caseload going on without adding this to the list.

First glance didn't make it sound like anything falling into the realm of Intelligence. Though, doubted that any of his guys would put up too much of a fuss about getting to log in a couple hours of OT to attend the scene and give him a real briefing so he could make an executive decision about what he wanted their level of involvement to be.

Though, they might.

Valentine's Day. Night. Though, he suspected the only ones out of his crew who would be getting laid that night would be Erin and Halstead.

Not that any wooing that either of them was attempting in that to achieve that end had been apparent at work. Nor had he been given any explanation of plans they had for the evening beyond being informed rather bluntly by his girl that she had no intention of being the one dealing with Ethan pick-up, taxi service and homework supervision that night. And he'd gotten that memo over a week before the fucking Hallmark holiday.

So she likely had something set up – reservation somewhere. Or maybe she was hoping that Halstead would clue in and make some plans. Not that Jay struck him as an overly romantic type. Definitely didn't seem to have grand gestures embedded in his genes. Not that Voight thought that was a bad thing. Though, maybe since it was his daughter, he sort of thought maybe sometimes she deserved some grand wooing to make her feel special. But figured Jay did a decent job at making her feel special enough as far as he could tell. So hopefully there'd be forgiveness all-round that the kid wasn't exactly a grand romantic.

Voight actually sort of thought the guy felt about the same as him about some of these fucking manufactured holidays. So hopefully his girl didn't end up too disappointed in the evening. And even more importantly - hopefully he didn't end up having to look at another fucking pout-pout face all day at work tomorrow.

Supposed he could call the Lonely Hearts Club – O and Burgess. See if they wanted to swing by the homicide scene. Doubted that O'd be too thrilled. Neither of those two particularly clamored for OT. But that meant they likely wouldn't ask for it or fill out the form, which would save him from having the Ivory Tower crawling up his ass about the OT he was approving and the unit's budget. Put a fucking price tag on the value of their work and the safety of their city. More bureaucratic bullshit that he hated about the job. All of it was just barriers to actually doing the job.

But figured neither Al or Kim should be left to their own devices that night anyway. Both were likely bound to find someway to send themselves into some sort of tailspin that involved drinking alone and having some sort of existential existence discussion in their own heads. Fucking Waiting for Godot the two of them. Might as well leave them sitting next to that tree together. Might save him from more fucking pout-pout faces in his bullpen in the morning. Hung over ones.

He'd see if he got some other fucking text about this thing first, though. Then he'd shoot off a message to Burgess. She'd be all gung-ho. Always was. Maybe too much. Let her break the news to Al too. Drag him away from the bottle. Maybe her overly cheery disposition would cheer him up some. Work on that pout-pout face of his too. Michelle would likely thank him. Get dad out of the apartment so she could work on her kiss-kiss face. Al definitely wouldn't be thanking him for that, though.

Put the phone back down and stared at Magoo again. Kid was doing his best to push his buttons that night. Just looking for trouble. Being passively defiant.

"Magoo," he put to him more sternly. "Want to get dinner started. Not going to do that until you show me, I leave you here sitting alone, you're going to be working."

E let out a slow breath. "I'm tired. I just want to go upstairs," he mumbled.

Hank bounced his phone between his fingers. Letting it touch the tabletop and then drawing it back up a fraction of an inch. Just waiting for it to buzz again and to get to make those calls. But he shook his head at his boy.

"Know the deal. Tired days – still put in thirty minutes. Don't need you getting too far behind," he told him.

A louder sigh came out of his kid. "Fine. Then I'm sick."

Hank let the phone settle and again, clasped his hands in his lap. "Not acting sick," he put flatly. "Only acting I'm seeing going on here is Chief Thunder Cloud."

Kid just huffed at him again.

"Going to make me wager a guess on why we're doing the weary-drearies tonight?" Hank rasped. The kid cast him an annoyed look. But Hank just kept his eyes. "No secret admirers at school today."

E let out a slow breath and flopped his head back down so he didn't have to look at him. "Valentine's is a stupid holiday," he mumbled.

"Can be," Hank allowed.

"It's not even a real holiday," E added.

"Not really," he conceded. And stared at the top of his boy's head.

He was pretty much in agreement with his kid. Had never really liked the holiday much either. Figured if he had to have a day assigned to him for doing something nice for Cami and showing her he loved her – telling her that he did – that he was likely doing the whole marriage, life partner thing, wrong. Sort of thing that should be part of the daily routine, it seemed to him.

Didn't really like getting the mushy-gushy cards that they put out for the holiday either. Hated dealing with the crowds and over-priced "special" menus in the restaurants with couples who were taking their once-a-year date. The so-called relationships and marriages that had reached points where the schmuck felt like had spend some exorbitant amount of money to get his monthly – or yearly – lay. And, if Valentine's Day was the only day of the year they put in any effort at showing their love and appreciation in the relationship – guy should be happy he was even managing to bed his wife once a year. Idiots.

But even in all that, Hank admitted he had usually ended up sending Cami flowers for Valentine's. Not on Valentine's. Day before … two days before … week before. Somewhere in the general vicinity. Had them sent to her office. Or brought them home with him. Because she liked that. Amazing what buying your wife flowers a handful of times a year could do for your marriage, relationship and sex life. Never got her roses, though. Because that was just fucking predictable. And Cami never liked them – or their thorns – much anyway. Funny since she managed him thorns and all. But maybe that's why she didn't much see the need to have to put up with them in flowers.

Lilies and Gerbera daisies. She liked those. Liked the mums, tulips and the sunflowers when it came time to do up the flower beds outside in the spring. Bright colors. Cami and the bright colors. Yellow. Too much fucking yellow in their house.

And spaghetti and meatballs. Some fucking Lady and the Tramp joke that Cami head that wasn't even funny and hardly relevant. But – if he wasn't working on Valentine's, it was near mandated that he make spaghetti and meatballs. Thought the kids were usually more excited about that than Cami was. But it was some joke to her. Juvenile commentary about the scrappy kids they were growing up around the Village. When Little Italy was still actually Little Italy and not just a handful of "Italian" restaurants aimed at the tourists. Though, she teased him that there were few matters of the heart that a plate of his spaghetti and meatballs couldn't fix. Actually was a nice compliment considering she'd had a real Italian grandma growing up who managed a lot better than he did. But also had proven a good spool down and comfort food to have a real grown-up conversation at the dining room table with dimmed lights and wine after the kids were in bed. After one of their blow-outs. Needless to say that the spaghetti and meatballs ended up on the table more times in a year than just Valentine's. But it usually did the trick that day … night … too.

Still, he'd never really gotten the whole Valentine's crap moving in school thing. Other than all these businesses had decided that there was an untapped market. That they needed to convince parents and teachers that they should be buying their kids cards and filling them up with sugar. Which had apparently evolved into a whole fucking retail market of tacky, ugly-ass stuffed animals and made-in-China plastic junk that would end up in your trash can about the moment your kid took it out of its packaging.

Fucking ridiculous. Not that it was exactly new. Any of it.

Him and Camille had never done the get the kids cards thing. Figured if it was a holiday – it was a holiday for couples, not kids. The kids – their kids - got told they were loved and had things done to demonstrate they were cared for – and taken care of – every day of the year. Didn't need a fucking card to remind them of that.

But even if that was their supposed joint stance on the thing, he knew that the kids might got dessert Valentine's night – even if it wasn't a weekend. But that was Camille's doing – not his.

Red. Jello. Strawberries. That cherry ice cream that the whole house had to do fucking battle with Erin to get any of it. That was about as fancy or as elaborate it got. And more than fucking enough. A nice little treat to once again show the kids – they were cared about.

Didn't need to do more anyway with the bullshit at the schools anyway. Remembered J doing the Valentine's exchanges and bake sales and "parties" even when he was a little guy in grade school. Remembered both the kids having the Valentine's dinner and dances at Ignatius. Knew Erin had gone her first year at the school when she was in with that clique of prissy missies. J had never gone. Not his thing. Or as Olive liked to say, "He did his own thing. He was like … mysterious." Pain in the ass. And not so mysterious. Just indoctrinated by his parents that Valentine's Day was also a fucking pain in the ass too.

Besides, all this Valentine's bullshit just opened kids up for exactly this kind of stupidity that was sitting across from him. The sulk. The pout-pout face. Because kids were going to get left out. Hearts would get broken. And it was going to once again highlight to some kids just how much they didn't fit in and what kind of lone wolves they were – whether they wanted to be of not.

"So what'd school do for this big day?" Hank put to his kid with suitable tone. Let Eth know he was on his side about this. Even if his patience would only last so long because he wanted the kid to be doing his homework and for them to fucking eat. Get on with the night. Like any other.

E shrugged from his slouched position. "Usual," he mumbled. "Prayer and some stupid fundraiser."

"Bake sale?" Hank put to him.

Had seen that in some bulletin from the school. Wanting families to bring in crap. E had been all about contributing to every fucking thing his first year at Ignatius. This year he just didn't give a shit. Knew that there were a lot of levels to that. Wasn't just had Ignatius – and its kids – were doing their best to break his boy. Good part of it was that E was still digging himself out of the hole he'd tumbled into with the whole grief and confusion about J being gone. Taking a while, but they were all getting back on more stable ground. Didn't change the fact that overall, though, his kid was still pretty broken. Likely always would be on a lot of levels – in some ways.

But that wasn't something that Voight felt too much like reminding his boy of. Didn't need to drag that into any of this. Not tonight. And, was more than happy to let contributing to a fucking bake sale slide. One less thing for him to find time to do – or fight with E or Erin about doing. Didn't really see the point in making or buying something for Magoo to take into the damn things when he couldn't eat any of it anyway.

"Yea …," E allowed. "But they did the stupid candy-o-grams again too."

"Hmm …," Hank grunted. They'd done that at Christmas too. Must've proven to be a decent money-maker for them to be doing it again. Not that selling candy to kids was a tough sell ever. Could almost argue that adopting it as a money-maker at the school was more of a money-grab and had some questionable morals in there. But Catholics didn't like when you started citing moral infractions at them.

"Basically everyone in home room got some. Some people got like a whole desk full. No one even sent me one," he said more than a little defeatedly.

"You send anyone one?" Hank put to him.

E sighed with some audible sadness. "Who to I have to send any to?" he said.

Hank just sat there – staring at his kid again. Weighing if he should give him some sort of pep talk about the whole friendship situation again. But anymore it felt like he was either browbeating Ethan about it – or just lying to him.

Really wanted to hope – to fucking believe – that something was going to click and his little boy wouldn't be navigating high school as a loner.

Wanted to hope that Evalyn would get accepted into Ignatius, along with some sort of scholarship so she could actually go, and that their friendship would manage to sustain itself through the four years.

Wanted to believe that other transfer kids coming to the campus for high school would bring in some fresh blood who'd find something in common with his boy and be interested in hanging out with him and being his buddy.

Wanted to think some of the older kids on the Robotics team would take him under their wing and play a bit of a mentor, role model and on-site big brother for E, so he'd at least have some teammates masquerading as friends of circumstance.

Wanted to hope that some of the Seventh Graders that had been allowed on the team this year – that Eth had paved the way for – would look up to him and he could bond with them.

Wanted to think that there'd be other clubs and teams and activities at the school that he'd join up in and pick up leads on new potential buddies. Kids he had stuff in common with. Kids who'd invite him over to hang out. Kids he could kick around with on lunch and in the quad. Between bells and in the hallways before and after school.

But a year and half into E's Ignatius experience and none of that seemed to be jiving. So there wasn't too much point in keeping lying to himself and lying to his boy. It was just going to develop the way it developed. And they'd have to deal with it all as it developed. Or didn't develop, in this case.

Just had to be thankful that at least E had his buddies at RIC. His couple close buddies in the mix of it. That he had teammates there. That there seemed to be kids who he could at least form sentences with and have conversations with.

Had to be grateful that that facility meant he had kids who didn't go running in the opposite direction when they saw him coming. Or look the other way in an effort to ignore him. Or worse – look too closely and figure out what sort of cruel things they could say or do to try to test just how thick Magoo's skin was.

Thing with the little fuckers at Ignatius was they'd figured out that his boy's skin - at least when in front of the assholes - was pretty thick. So it seemed like some of Ignatius brats just worked harder at finding ways to hurt and antagonize him. Like that was some sort of sport of his own.

Didn't seem to matter how many times he went and barked at Caruso about it. Just wasn't improving. And Hank fully expected it'd likely get worse before it got better. Freshman year. Didn't matter what school policies there were about hazing. There was going to be hazing.

Though, in some ways, Hank's experience was that high school kids could be a whole lot more self-involved and self-absorbed than these middle schoolers. So could again go back to the delusion that beyond the kids in his grade level and classrooms, most of the kids in the high school buildings wouldn't be giving E a second-glance. Let alone wasting time or energy on trying to make him feel like shit.

Not that any of the kids really seemed to try too hard. But that was just another thing they were going to have to keep working on at home and E with his shrinks. Self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence. Could only preach it at him so much. At some point, he was going to have to buy into it himself too, if he wanted anything to get any better or any easier. He had a whole lot of people who wanted things to be better and easier for him.

"It's a dumb way to spend money any way," E muttered.

Hank grunted at that. "Is," he agreed. "Shouldn't have been eating that junk either."

"I know," E allowed quietly and flopped his chin on his hands, pressed over top of his open textbook. That was some progress. Almost getting his eyes directed to what was in there. Right now, though, they looked across the table at him. "One of the candies you could send, though, was cinnamon hearts. I kinda miss them."

Hank allowed another little grunt at that. But his phone vibrated and he reached to tilt it up, giving the latest another cursory glance. Unrelated to the current shit show. He set it back down and gestured off behind him into the kitchen.

"Olive brought over some of that cinnamon tea from her place you liked," he provided. "Thought it tasted like cinnamon hearts."

Kid just eyed him. Didn't jump at the backward offer to put the kettle on.

Not exactly surprised. Kid wasn't much of a tea drinker. Though, he seemed to ingest it when he was over at Olive and H's place. But Hank thought that was likely more the kid humoring Olive. Trying to be polite. Not rocking the boat. Because E was likely more scared than he was that one wrong move might send her running again. And dragging Henry along with her.

Though, that seemed to be settling too. Things weren't exactly easy. But Olive was getting into a routine too. And that routine included them - as a family.

So they'd just keep working on that. And apparently E felt part of his contribution to that was enduring whatever herbal crap Olive was brewing at a particular moment. Whatever. As long as it wasn't some sort of hallucinogenic tonic provided by her aunt.

"It's not just Valentine's," E said quietly. "I really want to quit Robotics, Dad."

Hank shook his head. "This family doesn't go quitting things midstream."

"Dad, I didn't even want to do Robotics this year," he whined at him.

He shrugged. "Told you I want you to have an activity each season," he said. "And part of that deal you've got with your sister for that trip you want to go on is that you're doing a school activity each term."

"I said I'd do computer club," Ethan protested.

Hank gave him another shrug. "They meet a couple times a month. You want to do the computer club, do the computer club. But want you in something that's meeting up at least once a week."

"I go to Museum Club," Magoo argued.

Hank just shrugged at him. "Not a school club," he said flatly.

Didn't mind the kid doing that. They did meet weekly. But wouldn't say E got out to it weekly. And would say it was a whole lot more of a drop-in program than any sort of club or activity.

"So I'll do Chess Club too," E pressed.

"Mmm …," Hank allowed. Because they'd had this discussion too many fucking times. And now it was the middle of February for him to be dropping in on any new clubs and activities mid-semester. It was all just talking shit at this point. Waste of both their times.

Face must've conveyed as much because E finally sat up and sunk back in his chair.

"I told you that I'd do stuff at RIC too. Rock climbing or Judo or swimming."

"Same as you going over to Field and Adler and Shedd, Magoo. Got no problem with you doing any of that list at RIC. But want you participating in at least one club or team at your school," Hank put to him flatly. Again.

"But I really hate it this year," he sulked.

"Ethan," he put to him firmly, "you've got to treat it like ball. Be a team player. Your coaches put you in a spot they feel will—"

"They put me on the Tech Team!" he protested.

"Ethan," he put to him even more firmly, "you were given the choice of driver on the Tech Team or Gear Station on the Battle Team. You picked driver."

"IT'S THE LITTLE KIDS TEAM!" E spat so hard.

"It's not," Hank nodded at him with warning eyes. "It's a division that is just as important as –"

"It's basically Second Line!" E argued. "It's like being the back-up! The fucking relief pitcher."

Hank changed his eyes to warning and his son sunk back again. "You are in Grade Eight. You are not going to be the driver on the Battle Team. You keep at this. Maybe Junior or Senior year, you'll get that position on the competition league team. Driver on the exhibition league. Pretty good training ground."

"Exactly," Ethan sulked. "I'll just get to play the exhibition matches."

"Which are important," Hank stressed at him. "You're scoring the points. You're collecting the intel for your Battle group. You're making sure your whole team goes into competition with a nice standing on the ladder."

"And then we get to sit there and watch," E said. "With thumbs up our asses."

"Two," Voight put to him and his language. "Happens again and you know what happens."

Ethan sighed and stared at the table.

"Ethan," Hank pressed. "You had the opportunity to be on the Battle Group. You picked Tech."

"Well, I don't get how they can move me from Scout to Gear Station," he lamented vehemently.

Hank knew the logic around the whole thing. Part of it was that Mouse was gone. And unfortunately, as talented as E was with some of this stuff, Greg had put extra time into handling him and managing him. It'd given him the help he needed to have a spot in the Battle Group and it had kept E from monopolizing any of the other coaches' or mentors' time. Mouse gone – there just wasn't as much ability to do the hand-holding. And, though, Hank could argue that E had learned enough and matured enough with his experience on the previous year's team, he didn't need as much hand-holding – he could also understand where the coaching staff was coming from.

Beyond that, knew that Eth hadn't had exactly stellar attendance last year. Had his treatment. Had the meningitis. And then he just had fucking M.S. and there were some afternoons and weekends he was just too tired and in too much pain to be up to participating. Had meant that sometimes the time was left in a bit of a lurch. Wasn't exactly fair to anyone. And Hank knew there had been some hard feelings among team members – and the fucking Robo-Parents, who seemed worse than fucking Hockey Dads and Soccer Moms sometimes – about what the implications of having an occasionally absentee scout had for the team. Didn't help that E picked up meningitis at States and then wasn't able to rally enough to participate in the prep for Regionals very well and was fairly side-lined for most of the Regional competition. The team not scoring well enough at Regionals to get to Nationals? Well, the shit had to trickle down somewhere and some of it had ended up in blame being placed on E's attendance record.

So kid had gotten offered a spot this year on Battle Group that wouldn't have as much impact on the team overall if he ended up sidelined for part of the season again. The driver position on Tech. Prestigious position - but lower level of the totem pole in the whole team structure.

Thing was, Hank hadn't thought E ending up on the Tech Team would be that bad. Because their schedule wasn't quite as ridiculous. Kids weren't working after-school every night for months on end. Weren't having htem in there every weekend. After the competition season started, the matches were a little more spaced out. Given that E had other things he wanted to be doing – and given he'd seen how tired the demands of the Robotics Team had left his kid the previous year – didn't exactly think that dropping down a tier was the end of the world. Even if E was taking it as a real big punch to the ego.

"I thought Driver would be better but it's not," the kid kept on with his whining. "Our playing field is so stupid. You hardly even need a driver at all. There's no where to move. It's boring."

"Ethan, this family doesn't just walk away from things because they aren't going exactly the way we wanted them to or according to our plan. Life don't work like that."

E sighed. "I hate it," he whispered under his breath again.

"So, what? You've got about a week until your coaches have to give their team and designs locked-ins? Then you're into the match and competition schedule?" His kid's head barely bobbed at the statement. "So your robot will be done?"

E let out a slow breath. "Dad, Tech's robots are barely robots. They're just prototypes. They're so small. Like two feet. And they hardly have to do anything. You basically just have to give them a drive shaft and build a cantapult with a gear mechanism so you can shoot the balls and a plow or battering ram to shove stuff around. All they have to do is move and score points." He paused. "And find heat sensors when they're in autonomous mode. But basically nothing. None of the important stuff. None of the fun stuff."

Hank smacked at him. "You're going to list off all that to me, then tell me in the same breath that your robots aren't doing anything, you aren't doing anything, and the things you're figuring out for your team ain't important?"

E just stared at him.

"Ethan, you're learning a lot of valuable skills—"

"Dad, I already told you, none of this stuff even matters for me to get an Intelligence Analyst job and I'm never going to be able to do that anyway," E spat out with hurt that was still radiating in him from yet another conversation they'd had weeks ago.

Eva had gone reading up on all the various policing requirements during the latest recruitment campaign in January. Keen kid, but she had an pretty big uphill battle of her own in that dream was ever going to come to fruition. But the kid was a firecracker, so wouldn't put it passed her getting it to work out.

Problem had been that in her nosing around, she'd managed to spot CPD's listing they had up for civilian intelligence analyst. Knew that that was what Magoo thought he wanted to do with his life – at that particular moment in his life. So she'd shared all the lurid details of the posting with him. E had gone and laboriously powered through reading the three pages of dense text only to come to him near tears and spitting accusations about how he'd been stringing him along about ever being able to do that kind of job. That he wouldn't get into college. That didn't know how to research and he took too long to read and write.

He'd calmed the kid down as best he could. Gave him assurances that what was listed on the paper had very little to do with who actually got hired. And promised him again that if he wanted to go to college and still wanted a civilian job with the CPD after all that, he'd be doing everything in his power to make sure he reached those two goals. Could tell the kid didn't believe him. But knew that anymore, E didn't believe him quite as much about a whole lot of thing. Kid had just skulked away and they hadn't said much more about it.

Hank, though, had gone and actually looked at what the fucking City had written up about what the powers-that-be thought were needed in a fucking analyst he'd have to put up with. Funny thing was that for how upset E was about it, it read like a fucking checklist of things that his educational aides and tutors and rehab therapists worked with him on. Active listening. Critical thinking. Co-ordination with others and co-operation. Problem solving. Decision. Making educated judgments. Oral comprehension. Identification of patterns. Adaptability. Dependability. Attention to detail. There was a whole lot of ticks on that list that Voight thought his son could have checked off for him right now. And the ones that were left unchecked – he was working on. They were working on. And he'd get there. All Ethan had to do was keep working his ass off. Believe in himself. Keep wanting it.

"Fine," Hank shrugged at him. "But what you're learning on this team – gonna give you a whole lot of skills to either get you into a college program you want or to have a leg up in a decent job."

His kid just shrugged back at him defiantly. Didn't want to hear it. Him getting a higher education and doing something with his life – not wallowing in self-pity and tossing aside everything his family had done for him to try to give him a decent foundation for adulthood - would be a war he'd get to argue with him for the next four years. Pick your battles. Win the war. Didn't need to get into a scrimmage on this front tonight.

"Working on the robot is helping with your dexterity, your problem solving, your spatial awareness, and your concentration. And your docs say we need to work on that. So you're going to keep working on that," he provided instead.

"Robots have to be done by next week," E put flatly.

"Meaning?" Hank pressed back.

E shrugged. "So I helped with the build. I don't want to do the competition season."

Hank smacked at him. "Realize you've been the one building that 'bot and training as its Driver?"

"Yea …" the kid shrugged dismissively.

"So you leaving the team now, Ethan, it's going to have implications on a lot more people than just you. Causes a real disruption for your whole team – right when you all should be gearing up for the season."

Ethan flopped his arm in a tight fist onto the table, gazing at it clenched there. "I hate seeing Max all the time," he hissed. "I hate that he gets to be on the Battle Team this year and I got bumped down to Tech."

"Max's in high school now," Hank provided. "They put the high school kids on the competition team."

"But I'm way better at the build stuff than him," E lamented.

"And Max ain't building this year is he?" Hank put flatly. Had heard this rant before too. Max was off doing programming or coding or some shit.

"I was on the Battle Team last year and I wasn't in high school …," E countered when he couldn't come up with a counter to yet another point they'd gone over multiple times.

"And, pretty sure you'll be back on it next year. If you stick this out. Just like you would if this was ball," he provided.

"But I hate seeing Max," he argued again.

"Ethan, if you hate seeing Max so much, don't know why you'd want to move over to the Battle group. Stay on Tech. Do your job. Keep some space between the two of you," he pushed. Because anymore those two kids were like oil and vinegar.

"But he always comes and finds me on breaks," Ethan said. "It's like he has no one over on Battle Group to talk to but he still thinks he's got all this swagger. But he has no friends. He's such a loser."

"Shouldn't say things about other people that you wouldn't like them to be saying about you," Hank provided, again tilting his phone up as it vibrated.

That was the message he'd been waiting for. He picked it up and shot off that he'd send a couple of his guys to the scene to get a briefing and lend a hand if warranted. After sending that off, keyed in Burgess and shot something off to her too. Give in a minute or two. Figured she'd get back to him quick. Young. Eager. Glued to the fucking phone.

"Dad, he says completely stupid-mean stuff to me," Ethan pressed.

Hank gave him a glance and set down the phone as he waited to hear back from the kid. "Max has Asperger's, Magoo. His social skills aren't great."

"Dad, he came up to me today, handed me an invitation to his birthday and told me he didn't want me to come."

Hank grunted at that. Thinking on it. Trying to figure out what the hell he was supposed to say to this sort of political bullshit among kids.

"Said that his mom was making him invite me and that she was sending out portal evites too and that I was supposed to make sure you didn't tell her I was coming. Because he doesn't want me there," Ethan pressed at him.

"Mmm …," Hank allowed. "Well, hate being around Max. Shouldn't get too upset he doesn't expect you there."

"I hate being around him because he says dumb stuff like that all the time," Eth argued and flopped back against his textbook.

Phone vibrated again. Burgess was quick. Picked it up and started keying in for her to grab Al to go with her. If he didn't answer his phone, let him know. Might ignore Bugress' call, wouldn't ignore his.

"You want to go to the party?" Hank asked, as he let his thumbs do the talking on the damn smartphone.

"Not really," Ethan muttered. "But it's at that gaming lounge … Ignite. So that might've been cool."

"Mmm …," he grunted and put down his phone.

Wasn't big on being distracted by the thing when he was in front of his kid. Especially after J and his kid's words ringing in his ears that he was always working. Spat at him in muttered, under-the-breath tones whenever he touched his phone. The fucking memory that the last conversation he'd gotten to have with his older boy was interrupted by a fucking vibration from work letting him know about a crime scene. And that if he hadn't looked at it until after they were done their talk. Or if he'd opted to let someone else handle the scene when he was home celebrating his grandson's first birthday – maybe things would've worked a little differently. Maybe J wouldn't have left the house after him. Maybe he'd have heard him leaving and they would've gotten into an argument about him going on that night and maybe he would've talked him into taking his ass back upstairs to his wife and son. Or maybe if they'd finished their conversation, J would've actually told him what the hell was going on and asked him for the real help he needed rather than all the fucking lies, bullshit and half-truths he'd been feeding him for months. If not since he was about fifteen years old.

So – tried – now, harder. To keep the electronic leash thing to a minimum. But between single parenting and being a supervisor on the job, there were always going to be circumstances where you had to shift your attention around. So he was working too at being better at making sure that at least his attention was in the right spot at the right moment.

"That the spot I keep saying no to you going," he put flatly.

Knew it was. Because it was on the list of battles of the wills they had on the go anymore.

Thankfully Erin and Jay hadn't gotten that place up in Roscoe or else it'd likely be an endless battle of the wills and a whole lot of grounding going on about the damn video game place.

But for now, Eth hadn't quite seemed to figure out how to navigate the L and the buses well enough that he had shown much interest into venturing off to the North Side on his own. But the fucking place was close enough to the home diamond for the RIC Cubs, though, that a lot of the kids ventured over to it after practice or a morning game on the weekends. Knew he'd eventually have to let his boy join in – and waste his allowance – on that front too.

But not until the spring – or better yet … the summer – when he was out of school and officially no longer PG-13 and a middle schooler. Maybe that bullshit could be on the list of privileges he could earn and be trusted with as a high schooler.

"It's the place that Evan's dad is taking his whole class for his birthday," Ethan muttered instead.

"Mmm …," Hank grunted again. Now they were wading into yet another realm of this multi-layered sulk-fest. "Thought Evan wasn't too excited about that."

"He's excited about Ignite," Ethan said, casting him a glance. "He's just not excited about having to hang out with people from his school. Because most of them suck too."

Hank allowed another grunt. But refrained from comment. Because really wasn't his place and he didn't want to add fuel to whatever fucking family dynamics were going on in that whole separation, child-of-divorce dynamic. Had enough interaction with Evan and Hatley to have determined it was a fucking mess. Had his own fucking messes. Didn't need to wade into theirs.

"So I thought the plan was that he was going to have a videogame night at his place with you and Eva the following weekend," he provided, tilting his phone one last time. It was O.

"Got to take this," he rasped at his boy and picked it up. "Yeah. … No. I gave her the go-ahead. … Yeah. Not looking to do their job for them. … Yeah. Just go take a look. … Yeah. … Yeah. Trust your judgment. … Yeah. Let me know."

Hung up and put the phone in his pocket that time. Because now he'd just wait to hear back from O. Wasn't going to keep looking at the rest of the bullshit that was flying around as people tried to get their shit in order. Al'd call when there was something to say about it. He'd hear it. So could focus his attention back on Magoo for the moment. The spot – the place – it needed to be.

"I don't know," Ethan sighed and rubbed at the table with his finger.

"That not the plan anymore?"

E let out a slow breath. "I don't know. We were thinking that maybe Jay would let us play on his flatscreen. Or we could come here or something."

"What's wrong with his place?" Hank put back to him. Because it wasn't too often that he – or Erin and Halstead – got a night without Ethan. And that sort of thing was the kind of thing that went into the calendar anymore.

E just shrugged. "His mom can be kind of annoying," he said. "She just like … hovers a lot."

Hank grunted. That was a pretty good short summary of Gwen.

She meant well. She'd just been through a lot. Her kid had been through a lot. And now there was the whole divorce dynamic too – competition for the kid's attention and affection. Not that Voight got the sense it was much of a competition. Evan might find his mom a little annoying – but must kids did. Truth was it sort of was part of the parental job description – especially after kids reached that age. And as annoying as his mom might be, it was still his mom that Evan had wanted to be with – live with – not his dad.

That told you a whole lot about who was winning the battle of the hearts. And even if that was an over simplification, did prove that the kid knew who had taken care of him when he'd gotten hurt and who would be able to pull him through the rest of his recovery and transition into adult life with visible scars, and not just emotional and psychological ones.

"Just wants to keep an eye on you when you're doing a co-ed sleepover," he put flatly. Knew he did a lot of checking in on the kids when they were over too. Though, he didn't just contain that to when Evalyn was spending time with the boys. Suspected Gwen didn't either.

"I don't even know if I want to sleep over," E muttered.

"Why's that?" Hank put to him – because, again, he'd already taken dates on when this fucking sleepover was happening. Hadn't penciled it in. That thing had gone down in pen. Actually had been fucking synced to whatever family calendar bullshit that Erin had set up for him her and Halstead and Olive to all be inputting crap into in some sort of attempt to co-ordinate schedules in a too fucking complicated family life. Didn't quite know he understood how to use the eyesore that this family calendar thing had become. But did know he didn't intend on deleting that sleepover from it either.

"I don't know," E muttered.

"Must be a reason," Hank said.

E fidgeted. "Evan can be sort of … depressing … I guess."

He grunted. That was a decent summary of Evan too. Kid was melancholy. More than just teen-aged moodiness. But Voight tried to weigh it against the kid getting hurt and going through the surgeries and the rehab. Add in the impact that had on his parents' marriage and the family's life. The divorce and his mom bringing him across the state to a city lifestyle that the kid didn't seem to be embracing that well. Then take into consideration that the kid was likely struggling with figuring out his sexuality some and how all that fit in this new fucking world order they were living in. Or maybe the kid really was just dour.

"Evan's got a lot on his plate these days," he managed in half-assed defence of the kid. Because, didn't much want one of Eth's two friends to fall out of the picture just because the kid wasn't coping very well.

"It's not like my life is all rainbows and lollipops either," E grumbled.

It earned thin smile, even though Hank knew Magoo wasn't trying to be funny. But it was just … it was his voice coming out of his kid. And he wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing. But he knew Camille would be laughing her ass off.

"Maybe we should get him a copy of Pout-Pout Fish for his b-day," Hank offered.

"Dad …," Ethan groaned at him.

"Teach him to turn his frown upside down," he added flatly.

E rolled his eyes a little and provided instead, "There's no where to really sleep and I always hurt and am tired after sleeping over there."

Hank grunted. "Could take the air mattress," he offered.

E sighed and gazed at him. "He's just said some stuff the last few times we've hung out that have kind of pissed me off too."

"Like what?"

E fidgeted some more. "I don't know. He kind of brags a lot. Like he bragged about getting to go to the Cubs Convention."

"Mmm …," Hank grunted.

Don't know how much there was to brag about there. But knew if E had gone, he'd be bragging about it too. And, reality was he'd looked into tickets around Christmas time for his kid. But they weren't selling single days that year. Had to buy the full three-day pass, which just took it to astronautically prices when his kid was already getting an Xbox under the tree and had already floated hope that he might get a Cubs Club pack of tickets for his birthday or graduation again too.

Another pricey request and another thing that had been near impossible to get in the outfield bleacher price ranges as far as Voight had been able to tell. The smaller flex packs of tickets had disappeared too quick for him to grab them. Now he was left considering if he wanted to drop the cash – and really could guarantee that the time would be available – to get a 14 or 20 game pack. Seemed more than a little excessive. His kid was likely just going to have to settle on getting out to one or two games that season. The downside of being the championship team – now everyone was on the bandwagon and the ticket availability and prices reflected that. And they weren't even to Spring Training yet.

But even if he took the fucking ridiculous prices of the Cubs Convention weekend out of it, knew the lines and crowds at the thing would just be fucking pandemonium. E just couldn't handle that kind of activity – and standing and waiting – for hours on end anymore. Would've been a giant fucking waste of money and would've ended up with an exhausted – and possibly sick – kid out of it. So he wasn't too upset it hadn't panned out, even if E had repeatedly mentioned it in the lead up to the event.

"And there's this guy who's his pairs partner or some shi…" he stopped himself and looked cautiously at Hank. Who graced him with a look that told him he'd heard it. He heard everything. But he didn't comment. "A guy he's on the RIC rowing team with …" E tried, still looking at him cautiously. "And he went to Escape the Room with him. Even though I've been saying forever that I want to do Escape the Room."

"Maybe the other kid planned and invited him," Hank shrugged.

"Still," E huffed. "He knew I wanted to do it and now he has completely ruined it. Telling me like everything about it."

Hank grunted. Wasn't going to provide commentary because there wasn't exactly a point. E didn't want to hear it. But he was pretty sure that there were more than one of those fucking places in the city. And for as much as E said he wanted to go to the thing, hadn't worked at planning an outing with his little squad on his own and didn't seem interested enough in the things that he was willing to dig the cost of admission out of his allowance.

"And now he's going to the Auto Show and keeps talking about that too," E grumbled. "He barely knows what a car is."

Hank allowed a slightly amused noise. Because it was interesting to watch and hear little things over time as Magoo slowly picked up on the fact that Evan's interests were slightly different than his own in a whole lot of areas. He sort of wondered if and when it'd click for Ethan about why that was. And what kind of label the kids would give it. How it'd impact any of the friendships or dynamics in their little group. Or if the kids really just wouldn't care.

"It's just like he keeps taking things I want to do and doing them and completely showing off about them," E bemoaned.

"You told him you'd like to tag along on any of this stuff?" Hank smacked at him. E just gave him a look. "Maybe you'd get an invite if you spoke up. People can't read your mind, Ethan."

E just sighed out more frustration and flopped back on his textbook again. "I don't want to go to the car show with him," he mumbled.

Hank gazed at him. "Who you want to go with?" His boy's eyes flitted to him. Hank gave him a little nod. "So you want to try asking me to go or inviting me to go with you? See how that works."

E sighed even louder and moved his eyes away.

"Hadn't said anything to me about being interested in going to the show," Hank tapped on the table to get his attention. But the kid just shrugged. "Don't read minds either, Magoo."

"You look people in the eye. Same diff," the kid said with too much fucking tone.

"Getting smart ain't too smart, Ethan," he provided.

Ethan gave him another glance. "You want to go?"

Voight gave him his own shrug. "Sure."

But the kid's eyes got so hopeful at that. "Really?"

Another shrug. "You manage a good day, we'll go over for a bit a night this week. Crowds will be smaller."

E quietly glowed at him but drummed his fingers on the table. "It's not just trying to be all GOAT, though," he said, casting him another look. "He's said some stuff, that I don't know, I guess kind of upset me."

"Like what?" Hank put to him again.

"That Hitler was Austrian," E put flatly and stared at him.

Voight shrugged. "He was."

"So Austrians were all a bunch of Nazis," E said.

Hank scrubbed at his face and gazed at his son. "So what's he trying to imply there?" Didn't need to ask. But would let his son say it so they could try to talk out how idiotic that implication was.

"That we're Nazis," E said quietly with his apprehension and utter embarrassment.

Voight smacked and let his tongue rest in his cheek for a long moment as he looked at his kid. For how fucking quiet Evan could be, the kid sure seemed to run his mouth when him and E were alone. Heard all sorts of "Evan saids" after any get-together between the two that hadn't been in the front room. In their front room or the back of the Escalade, barely heard a fucking peep out of that kid.

"We're American," he nodded at his boy. "And a whole lot of the idiocy we're seeing come out of the woodwork – a whole lot of the problems we have in this country – is because of people taking other people's ancestry, ethnicity or religion and turning it into uneducated name-calling. And some justification for bigotry and hate. And that, that's the problem. Not where people came from or the color of their skin or that they're Muslim."

"But we're Austrian," Ethan said after a long beat.

"No," Hank put to him more firmly. "We're American. And the privilege of being a citizen of this country mean that allowed celebrate and remember who we are and where we came from. That we're allowed to have identities that go beyond just being American or Chicagoan. That we can just as proudly say that we're Austrian or _Italian_ ," he stressed with a firm nod, "or Catholic too. We're allowed to have come from those places. We're allowed to practice those religions. Just as much as the Syrians or the Somalis or the Chinese or the Indians or the Mexicans or the Muslims or the Hindus or the Buddhists or the Jews. This country – this city – it was built by immigrants and people from all different faiths from a whole lot of different places."

"Yeah. But that still means we were Nazis?" Ethan pressed. Clearly not hearing or processing any of it.

"No," he rasped at the kid again. "First off, Ethan, we've got a whole lot more blood in us than just Austrian. There's German—"

"They definitely were Nazis," his kid interrupted.

Hank gave a firm smack at that and it shut E up for a moment. "Your mom's side of the family came from Italy-"

"Evan says Mussolini was pretty bad too. Another fascist dictator. Like Trump and Hitler."

Hank smacked at him again and gave him a nod. "You want to listen," he put to his boy.

Ethan sank back in his chair and stared at him hesitantly.

"My family, they came here long before the war. The Nazis. You're third generation American, Ethan. You're great-grandfather might've been born in Europe – but he was raised here. We're pretty far off the boat."

Could see the kid trying to listen and process but could also tell none of it was entirely clicking. Too much was churning through that head of his. And it was too late in the day for Magoo to really actively be doing much of anything – beyond stewing and making himself sick with stress and exhaustion. Another thing they were trying to work on with the shrinks. A real process. At least the anxiety meds had seemed to help some. But that didn't stop his kid from trying to wrap his head around a whole lot of hard stuff. Enough to scramble a healthy brain, let alone a kid like his.

"Ethan, Austrians played a pretty big role in settling the Midwest. In building this city. Working our stockyards. OK? Two major waves came over. One that your great-great-grandparents and great-grandfather were a part of. And these people – some of them - they were Catholic missionaries and teachers. They rest of them. Poor immigrant laborers looking to start better life here. And they poured their hearts and souls into this country and city. The other wave – they came leading up to the war. And those people – those Austrians who settled here – they were Jews trying to escape the Nazis. They weren't Nazis. They were refugees. Just like a lot of the people trying to escape bad situations and start new lives and contribute-"

"Wait …," Ethan sputtered. "So we're Jewish? So why am I not circumcised?"

Hank smacked at him. Stared at him and smacked at him. Because there were moments where he just knew Camille was somewhere and pulling some sort of strings and laughing at him. That she was doing some little payback for all the conversations he'd outright missed or skirted around and left for her to handle with J and Erin. And now too fucking many – many of which he'd prefer not to have – were all falling right in his lap. And he just had to figure out how to deal with them. Because there were a whole lot of things he couldn't tell his boy to go ask his sister. A whole lot of conversation and moments and events he was responsible for as this kid's father. But ones that he'd never expected to have to figure out how to navigate alone.

Liked to think there weren't many comments that took him off step anymore. But more times than not, it seemed like the ones that did were ones that were coming out of his son's mouth. If Ethan threw these kinds of curve balls at him now, didn't want to think about what kind of random bullshit Henry would manage to throw into his 70-year-old face. Leave him gaping and trying to figure out what the hell he was supposed to say to the kid. And just how the fuck the teen-aged mind worked.

"You're Catholic," Hank put to him flatly. Technically. Non-practicing Catholic at a fucking elite Jesuit private school that had the church embedded right into its every day life and curriculum.

But not much point in adding that commentary to the conversation. Because clearly the kid wasn't listening to a word he was saying anyway. Or he was doing an Ethan – he really was tired – and he was just operating on one of his different planes, which really wasn't worth trying to understand. He'd come to accept he'd never quite get it, not matter how hard he tried.

"Oh …," E said, like that was some sort of startling new information that he needed to process. "Are you Jewish?"

"No," Hank graveled. Putting some real effort into not letting his annoyance come through.

"Oh …," the kid said again and squinted at him in careful consideration. "Then how come you and Justin _were_ and I'm not?"

Hank sat there staring at his kid. Wouldn't mind his phone starting to vibrate again. And sort of wished that maybe he'd just let it slide when E had said he was tired. Let him head upstairs.

He finally scrubbed at his face. "E, help me understand how we got on this topic?" he put flatly. Because how the hell did they go from homework to Valentine's Day to Robotics to Max to birthday parties to Auto Shows to Nazis to the fucking state of the country under Trump to this.

"Because in Man in the High Castle…," Ethan started babbling and Voight let out an annoyed breath but let himself sit back in his seat a bit, crossing his arms, as he listened to this prlonged explanation.

This fucking show that E and Evan had taken to watching over at Hatley's place. Because apparently as "annoying" as she was, she didn't supervise them anywhere near as well as Voight would like. But Gwen's definitions of appropriate media consumption for thirteen year olds was vastly different than his.

He'd managed to bite his tongue about it a bit – after having some heated conversations and stand-offs with Gwen on the matter – in the hope of letting his kid have some friends. And in an effort to get everyone a night to themselves every month or so. Figured one afternoon or night of inappropriate movies, tv shows and videogames wasn't going to wreck his kid. Had been exposed to a lot more real life anyway. But it did cause some more fucking battles when E got home and thought should get to finish binge watching some TV show or downloading some game that there wasn't a fucking chance in hell that was going to be allowed in his home. And there'd be a world of hurt if they did get snuck into his home.

It wasn't even that he thought The Man in the High Castle was vastly inappropriate. It was more that he thought a lot of the content – and the implications that were being presented and discussed in the series – were flying right over the heads of thirteen-year-old boys. And the ones that were sticking were the ones that were sort of upsetting and confusing to the kids – especially in today's political hotbed. It was the kid of show that parents should be watching with their kids so they could have real conversations about the episodes and the issues – past and present, history, fiction and reality.

But he sat there and he listened to the jumbled explanation that basically consisted of some character being Jewish but hiding that he was Jewish – "so he wouldn't get gassed!" But then he was found out and "his sister and nephew and niece were gassed!".

But that some comment had been made on the show about the character not being circumcised, which likely wouldn't have even truly registered as any point of having much substance or meaning, if Evan had provided him with the explanation that Jews were circumcised and that the character was farther trying to hide he was Jewish by not getting circumcised. Though, apparently that had confused Ethan given the penile situation in his family. And apparently Evan had suggested that maybe they were trying to hide the fact they were Jewish. Only to correct himself and say that it was actually all the circumcised men in the family trying to hide the fact they were Nazis since people used to "really hate us." But that likely it was OK for people to know again by the time he was born and probably good now – because there's lots of Nazis now. But that Evan's "half-Jewish" and doesn't really think they should be friends, if they were Nazis.

Hank just smacked again after that ramble. At least he knew Evan and Magoo didn't have their dicks out making comparison notes. But would've preferred if the two of them weren't swapping notions about their dicks – or anyone else's, particularly his – in conversation.

"None of that has anything to do with you being uncircumcised," he put to his kid flatly when he finally shut up. He found his son's eyes. "You were premature. You spend time in NICU. You were little. And you were sick. Me and your mom didn't want to put you through any more than you were able going through."

"Oh …," E said. And Hank could see the gears churning again. "So why didn't you just tell them to do it later?"

"Magoo, it's not exactly a pleasant thing to watch inflicted on your newborn," he put bluntly. "I don't think it's something me or your mom ever entertained taking you back in for after we got to bring you home from the hospital."

The kid's eyes squinted more. "But you did it to J …"

Hank scrubbed at his face again and shrugged, shaking his head. "He wasn't a premie. And times were different then."

"Because you only had him?" E squinted.

Hank let out a slow breath and tapped the side of his hand on the table. "OK, this whole circumcision thing. Whether you should get your son cut or leave him intact. Every few years, it hates up. People debate about it. There's studies and reports about it. Docs say it's good or it's bad or you should do it or you shouldn't. The '90s, getting your boy circumcised, it was still was en vogue—"

"En vogue?"

"The norm. It was just what people did," Hank nodded at him. "Our insurance covered the procedure—"

"Procedure?" Ethan gaped. "I thought it was—"

"They're cutting a piece of skin off your dick, Ethan. It's a procedure."

"So like surgery?"

"No," Hank put flatly. "More like one of your lumbar punctures." His boy cringed because it was high on his list of things he couldn't stand and it was high on Voight's short list of things he really hated having to watch. "The baby is awake—"

"When they're cutting it off?" E gaped in horror.

"Yes," he put firmly. "And based on the screaming out of your brother – it wasn't pleasant while it was happening and wasn't pleasant for way too many days afterward."

Ethan stared at him. "Then why do people do it?"

"Most people - likely because it's what they think is best at the time or out of some ego and vanity issues. Having their son look like dad so they don't get stuck answering awkward questions later on."

"Is that why you let them do it to Justin?" Eth asked – way too forthright.

Hank just shrugged. "Partly. Mostly because things were different then. Didn't do much research into it. We had a boy. Your mom left the decision up to me. Doc recommended it, spouted some medical stuff at us. Decided to go with what I knew."

"So … that's what your dad did too?"

"Ethan, I have no idea. This is not the kind of conversation I ever have even entertained broaching with my father. Would assume that when I was born – it was just what was done. Likely didn't get a lot of thought or discussion around the matter then either."

E sat back in his chair more, staring at the table in deep thought. There was clear confusion painted across his face. Some hurt there.

"So was not doing it normal when I was born?" E asked quietly. "Because Evan is."

"You said Evan's Jewish. It's a religious rite thing in Judaism," he provided flatly.

"I'm pretty sure lots of guys who aren't Jewish don't have foreskins too," he said quietly.

Hank gave him a shrug. "Ethan, … parents … they make their decisions about this the best way they know how at the time."

"So you just didn't get it done because I was born little?" he asked.

Hank sighed and scrubbed at his face. "You arriving early made our decision for us. If you arrived on-time? Don't know. Do know it wasn't going to be just my decision that time around."

"What's that mean?" E squinted.

"That we talked about it. That your mom was a biologist. And a smart, opinionated lady. And it was a different decade. There was new research. And we had some discussions about which way we were going to go with it – with you."

"And you decided no?"

"We hadn't decided anything. You were early. When the doctor asked us at the hospital – while you were still in an incubator, Magoo – we said no. We brought you home – and don't remember us having any more conversations about it. And your docs never brought it up again either."

E sat there staring at him. Tired to read him. Could see there was some kind of hurt there. But didn't really know there was anything to be hurt about. If it really bothered him that much, there was something E could do about it. It'd be unpleasant – not sure E would really support that decision. Didn't even much like the multiple holes Erin had punched in her ear. So entertaining the concept that his son might decide to cut off a piece of himself was a little much to stomach. But reality was that it was his body.

Supposed the other reality was that E was going to ask questions – or have an opinion – about all of this at some point. Had come up in passing before with him sharing a bedroom with his brother. With the usual bathroom and change room stuff that happened with little kids. They weren't blind. They were curious. Had been some comment about it when he was at boarding school and summer camp but hadn't come up again. And it hadn't sounded like there'd been any commentary from other boys yet that made him feel stared at, different or strange.

Had sort of thought at that point there might not be much more comment about it. And if there was, it likely wouldn't come up again until high school when he was more full-on in the change rooms after gym and ball with other boys his age. But had sort of figured that at that point, he'd be getting his education from the other uneducated little assholes. But knew it was better to set him straight on his own rather than let the little pricks spout bullshit at him.

"Evan said girls will likely think it's weird and gross," Ethan put flatly and looked away from him.

Hank smacked louder at that and crossed his arms over his chest. "If you're with a girl and that's what she's thinking, she's not mature enough to be seeing a man naked and sure isn't mature enough to be doing anything that requires either of you to have your shorts dropped in the first place."

Ethan just gave him a pathetic glance but Hank caught his eyes and pressed more firmly. "And she sure wouldn't be special enough to be worth your while, Magoo, if she's placing any kinds of labels on you based on the aesthetics of your dick."

E rubbed at the table. "He already said that most girls will only like me … and stuff …. out of pity ever," he said quietly.

Hank smacked louder and stared at his boy. But E kept his eyes on the table.

"Look at me," Hank said. Took a long moment but his kid brought his eyes up. "You don't need pity. And if you let a girl come at you that way – you accept those advances, because you think that's all you deserve – you're going to get hurt. And you deserve a whole lot more than that, Ethan. I'm going to keep telling you that. Your sister is going to keep telling you that. And you've got to keep working on your self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence so you start believing it."

E just looked away as soon as he was done talking. Hank just sat there too. Staring at him. This was not an area he was good at. He didn't know how he was going to fucking navigate this through his kid's adolescence.

He finally let out a sigh and crossed his arms more tightly across his chest, resting against the back of his chair a bit. "That commentary from Evan have anything to do with you not going with Eva to the dance on the weekend?"

Ethan just shrugged. "It was the Valentine's Day dance. Why'd I go to that?"

Voight gave him a pucker at that and gestured. "Because you like the RIC parties. 'Cuz your friend was going and asked you to too."

"We aren't dating or anything," Ethan said.

"Doubt that most of the kids at the thing were there as couples," Hank said.

Another shrug.

"Evan spout off something about Evalyn pitying you?"

Another shrug.

Hank crossed his arms again. "Look at me," he told his kid again. Took him another bit to listen. "Eva doesn't pity you—"

"He said she pities me and she's using me. To get into Iggy's. And the only reason she'd every date me or do anything with me is because she's all messed up too but that she'll think it's weird and gross because you didn't get me circumcised and because I'm not black."

Hank smacked and nodded at his boy. "Eva doesn't pity you. And she's not using you. I'm pretty good at spotting both. Don't get that vibe from her on either front. And if I did – you two wouldn't be kicking around together."

E sighed and looked away. Hank caught his eyes again. "Look at me," he ordered firmly. E made a little noise but looked at him. "But, I don't think Eva sees you as much more than a friend right now—"

"She says she's not dating until at least college because she's gonna be better than her mom. But Evan says she's just stringing me along."

"OK," Hank acknowledged. "Maybe how she feels about that will change. Maybe it won't. But right now, you're both too young to date. And you're way to young to be doing anything that goes along with dating."

"You and mom were fifteen …" Ethan whispered.

"And you aren't fifteen," Hank rasped at him.

E let out a sigh and tried to look away again, but Voight again moved to catch his line of sight.

"Ethan, you two seem like good friends. It seems like you have a lot of fun together. That you have stuff in common. And you've got some life experiences you can share and support each other in. Build on that. Enjoy that. And then maybe some years down the road, you and Eva will want to be more than friends. And that's not going to come out of a place of pity. And both of you are going to respect each other and trust each other enough that you aren't going to care about scars or missing body parts or skin color. And none of it will be any weirder and grosser than anyone's first time is – which is just fucking weird and a little gross. OK? But, do all of us a favor, and stop thinking about and stewing on it until you're at least fifteen. I'd prefer if it was more like eighteen or nineteen. Because if you keep on this – you're going to miss out having a nice friendship."

E stared at him and then started rubbing at the table again nervously. "I don't even really think about her that way. Evan just is always saying that she's my girlfriend. And we act like a couple. But she's not. She just … gets stuff … you know?"

"I know," Hank allowed. "And think something you've got to keep in mind, is that your little squad. There's three of you. You guys are reaching an age where people start to feel a little left out. Think Evan sees that you and Eva are pretty tight. Knows that Eva might be with you at Ignatius in the fall, and right now, he's likely feeling a little jealous and a little left out. And that's something the three of you are going to have to learn to manage and navigate if you want to keep your crew together."

E gazed at him long. But managed a little nod. Also managed to actually look down and pretend like he was actually going to do his homework now.

Hank glanced at his watch. "You talk to Eva today?" he asked. E gave his head a little shake but didn't look up. "You want to give her a shout, see if her and her brothers have had a bite yet?"

"Why?" E asked.

"Gonna to take you kids out for a plate of Bolognese at Carmine's," he put flatly.

"But it's Valentine's," E said.

Hank shrugged. "Carm will get us a table," he said flatly.

But reality was, thought Camille might like that. She would. Because few matters of the heart that couldn't be fixed with a plate of some good pasta and a glass of red. And beyond that, knew letting thirteen-year-olds slurp up noodles was a good way to turn a pout-pout face upside down. Maybe that … and a bowl of red Jello and strawberries too …

He fucking hated Valentine's Day. He hated doing it alone. All of it — this — alone.


	5. Acceptance

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

"Hank," Erin called at him and he gave her a bit of a glance from where he was looking at the fucking ridiculously priced half-zip sweater.

Seventy-fucking-dollars for a sweater that he knew his kid would outgrow. But at least it looked warm. And it looked like something that Magoo might actually fucking wear. Maybe without the fucking battle they had all fucking winter about him putting on the pull-over or the sweater vest or the turtleneck or the fucking blazer. But no – the kid would rather kick around in just the oxfords and freeze and complain about being freezing – than put on any of that shit. Not that he entirely blamed him. Between the school's colors and the uniform attire, he did look like a bit of a dipshit on school days. But that was part of the price you paid to get a fucking Jesuit education apparently. Erin and J both survived it and managed to enter adulthood as slovenly as ever anyway.

His girl was over at some other rack in the school's little uniform and spirit shop they'd stepped into between their fucking meetings. Had only planned on there being the one meeting with the kid's academic counselor. But apparently Caruso wanted to see him. Couldn't be good news. If whatever Frank had to say was about to make all the fucking time and effort and negotiation and battle of the wills that had gone on in his dining room to get E ready for the meeting with the fucking academic counselor in getting him slotted up for his Freshman year – not to mention enduring that fucking meeting itself – obsolete. And he was going be some pissed off if it did.

Erin held up a shirt at him. "Did you see they'd got sleeved polos now?" she asked. "Two colors."

He grunted and moved away from sorting through the shelf piled with the sweaters. Didn't look like they had Magoo's size sitting there anyway. Might ask about getting one ordered in. Moving out of that area got him away from his son who kept shoving some fucking reversible sweatshirt in his face that he seemed to think he needed, even though the piece of clothing was only approved attire on Spirit Days, and he figured the price tag on the fucking thing was about as bad as the sweaters he could wear any day of the year. Besides, got him a fleece and a hoodie already for Spirit Days and after-bells. Wasn't planning on investing anymore in that shit until he outgrew it, wore holes in it, or got roistered on one of the sports teams at the school and needed some of the more casual gear for in the gym and game days and pep rallies and the crap. But really doubted that would ever happen. School might be willing to accommodate Ethan enough to let him try-out for the team and maybe even would make him some fucking charity case on the bench – water boy or some shit. But his boy wanted to play – not sit on the sidelines. So his athletic life, they'd be keeping over at RIC. Ignatius' loss.

"Dad …," Ethan whined at him as he moved away from the display.

"You want that shirt, you got allowance," he rasped at him.

"But you always say you take care of uniform stuff," he moaned harder.

"That's not part of the uniform," Hank provided. E just huffed and stayed over at the sweater display. "Put it back," he ordered of the sweatshirt the kid had crumpled up in a ball on top of the pile, like he was going to leave it there for someone else to take back to its rightful rack.

Got another huff, but listened. Wasn't going to risk them putting on a show at school.

He joined Erin at the rack she was flipping, through. Clearly taking stock of the sizes in the store too. Burgundy and white options. But it didn't look like she was having much luck in finding sizes in either that she thought would be an appropriate fit on her kid brother.

"How much?" Hank asked, reaching to draw up the sleeve of one in search of a tag.

"Thirty-five," she muttered but rubbed her fingers against the material of the sleeve he was holding. "But they feel thick. Warm."

He grunted and looked over his shoulder at the kid at the counter. Likely a Senior. Looked sort of unhappy about catching the early shift. But suspected the shop was being manned some extra hours these next few weeks with parents in-and-out of the school trying to somehow predict their kids' future ambitions and successes and plan for them. Might be able to do that to a fucking minuscule point by the time they were hitting Junior or Senior year. But trying to figure that out and get your kid to buy into it without just completely overwhelming them when they were fucking thirteen and just headed into Grade Nine? Headache. All the extra foot traffic in the school was likely a headache for the staff too, though. Hence the kid at the counter and not just the secretary scurrying back-and-forth. Kid was likely earning some volunteer hours or was a low-income kid too trying to get his family some dollars off their tuition dues. Or maybe he really was a Richie-Rich and didn't really need the service hours or the cash and that's why he looked like he thought he should be just about anywhere. Though, got the impression the kid would've preferred it be still at home in bed.

"These part of the regular uniform now?" he graveled at the kid.

The kid managed a nod. "Yea," he mumbled. "Just can't wear them on Mass days. And, I think not on Assembly days or during Open House visits. Maybe."

Hank allowed a little grunt and looked back at them. "What other regs they got on them?"

"Ah …," the kid thought aloud like it was a real tough question. Shouldn't be. The kid was wearing one of the things. Think he'd know. But, instead he reached and pulled some binder over in front of him and flipped through it a bit. Back-and-forth until he settled on a section. "Can't roll up the sleeves. One button max undone," he recited in disinterested monotone. "Plain white t-shirt allowed underneath, not turtlenecks. Can wear either of them on Spirit Days, Pep Rallies and before and after bells with the zip-up fleece," he mumbled and dismissively gestured at a rack of the things, despite Eth clearly already wearing one. "Can wear the white with the crewneck sweater."

The kid shut the binder and shoved it back to its place on the opposite side of the cash. Voight just smacked at him.

"There something you can't wear it with?" he put bluntly.

The kid gave him an annoyed sound and slide the binder back, again flipping around and muttering, "Anything I didn't list that you could" under his breath. But after he found the page again, he provided starkly, "Can't wear it with the v-necks, the vests, the cardigans or the blazers. And don't wear a tie with it." He smacked the binder shut more firmly, casting him a look.

Voight kept the brat's eyes and pointed back across to the half-zip wovens. "What about those?"

The kid let out a breath like answering that question was some sort of even greater burden on him. "Those are basically brand new," he said. "Not in the code yet. So maybe. Or no."

Voight kept eyes with the kid, pressing his tongue in his cheek and making sure his displeasure at the lack of professionalism the student was showing in his little part-time job was apparent. But then with a last smack he looked back over to his son.

"Magoo," he called and nodded for him to join them.

Kid did – almost too quickly – and hissed at him, "Dad, don't call me that here."

Hank just grunted. Knew his boy was at the age he needed to start being more careful about that. Had been expressing increasing bashfulness about his nickname. Really had been since boarding school but the reminders he didn't want people to know that was the pet-name he'd grown up with had been more frequent since the summer. Hard, though, to just shut-off something like that. And supposed didn't even matter much if he checked himself. E would always be Magoo to him. Barely a week old when he'd gotten slagged with that name by his mom. Little guy had just looked like a real Mr. Magoo then. But, he'd grown into a Magoo all of his own by now.

"Would you wear these?" he put to his kid.

"I don't know," Ethan shrugged. "I guess."

"They're a lot thicker than the button-downs, Ethan," Erin put to him firmly.

He just gave her a shrug too. But she only raised her eyebrow at him and reached to yank up the back of his collar.

"Hey …!" E protested and gave her an embarrassed look, glancing around to see if anyone had seen that he had family who were trying to clothe him more warmly.

Erin kept his eyes. "You going to let me check your size or you want me measuring these against your back?"

He huffed at her but reached and tried to roll up his collar and pull it around his neck so he could look at it himself. But Erin just yanked it more firmly and gazed down his collar, pressing her thumb down the tag.

"Should be a Boys 12," Hank provided.

She made a sound and yet go of her brother, looking back to the shirts on the rack. "Yea," she allowed, flipping through the shirts again. "But he's usually about a medium or a large and these look huge."

"They're likely all normal sizes, not kid sizes," the kid at the counter called over, apparently eavesdropping but deciding to be semi-helpful. "They're pretty new too. All the middle schooler parents keeping buying out the stock …"

Hank grunted. Figured. Getting pre-teen kids into a shirt like this and keeping it clean and unwrinkled would be a hell of a lot easier than the fucking Oxford button-downs.

Erin cast him a look. "Thanks …," she allowed.

Hank ran his hand over the top of the hangers on the side he was standing on. "Doesn't look like they got any smalls in the red."

"Burgundy," Ethan corrected.

Caught his boy's eyes in quiet warning about getting into too much talkback again. Eth had managed to do enough of that in the little show they put on for his academic counselor in trying to get him all queued up for his preferred courses. Would have to see what happened, because the counselor sure didn't seem that impressed with some of the options and tracks they were pushing for. And it'd been made pretty clear that she wasn't going to give them any promises or guarantees until after all Ethan's grades and final testing from Grade 8 came in. And added all too patronizingly that if E was going to register for the math track Hank wanted him in, then he was going to have to do an exam to prove he was capable of managing that stream. Not to mention the woman had put up arguments about the science pairings E wanted to start going down, the language he'd picked out as what he thought he wanted to earn his mandatory high school credits in, and his fucking elective.

Ended up in Ethan giving her a whole lot of attitude. But she'd been giving it to them too. Tit for tat. But still. Didn't like his kid treating adults that way. Had tried to get him to straighten out a bit. That'd only gotten the attitude and talkback directed his and Erin's way.

Sort of knew that was coming, though. Kid had been pretty frustrated with the whole process of going through the curriculum guide and trying to understand his various options and the credits he needed to get for a diploma at the end of his four years. Trying to wrap his head around college credits and advanced placement and honors society credits. Wanting to jump ahead and take things that weren't available to freshman and being upset with the lack of flexibility in the freshman selections and just overwhelmed with the whole process. Reading the course descriptions and worrying about if he'd be smart enough or what the workload would be. Trying to fucking map out his entire high school career to pick out courses in his freshman year that would lead to him having doors open to him in later years of his high school career.

There'd been some tears and some yelling. Bit of a teen-aged meltdown in their kitchen as him and Erin tried to work through it with him. Figure it out and give him assurances that it would all work out. That picking a course you ended up hating in Grade 9 wasn't the end of the world and didn't mean you were stuck on some path for the rest of your life. Lots of reminders that he was smart enough that they'd all get through this together – eventually. It might just take him a bit longer than some kids and be a bit harder for him. And more work – for all of them. But he'd get there. But had definitely had to watch his kid deflate a bit as they worked at figuring out how they were going to enroll him. And knew it was going to be something he'd stew about and stew about right up until he got his schedule and then stew even more until he got there on the first day. And knew too that they'd like be spending the majority of the first semester giving him constant pep talks and near hauling his ass through all the course work until he found his footing and garnered some confidence in his abilities to function as a high school student.

Would've hoped that the guidance counselor would've worked at inflating him up a bit while they were in front of her. But she hadn't. She used the meeting as a reality check. Kept talking down to them and lecturing them. Reached the point that Hank had decided they were leaving early and just told her to file the paperwork the way they'd ticked it all off. They weren't making any changes. Wouldn't even consider going another route until E's grades and testing came back and they had some sort of validated argument that his son couldn't be doing what his family had spent fucking hours working out.

He'd forgotten how much fucking work it was getting kids sorted on their high school courses. Likely was that J and Erin just hadn't really given a shit. And there wouldn't have been all these other considerations and arguments about why they couldn't or shouldn't take something. There might've been with Erin. Until they got some of her records sorted and she'd begrudgingly did some of Ignatius' placement testing. But she also given really seem to put up a fuss about what classrooms she ended up in.

Or maybe things had just gotten a lot more complicated since his older two were in high school. All these tech and communications and multimedia courses that he didn't remember being options in quite the same way they were laid out now. Or maybe Camille had really just taken the lead. Had it all figured out before they sat down with the kids to hear them out and fill out any paperwork. That was more than likely too.

Did know he was glad Erin had agreed – and seemed to want – to participated in the process. Had definitely needed some back-up in getting Magoo settled into the plan. And some of the curriculum guide might has well have been written in another language. So had been glad to have her there to help crack the fucking code and figure out what connected to what in the end too. Needed a fucking flow chart for some of the subject areas. Math and science. Almost needed a fucking degree to understand how they expected the kids to move through that sequence of courses during high school.

"He'll likely need an extra-small," Erin muttered, still flipping through the whites.

Hank grunted and looked back to the kid at the counter. "You take orders?"

He shrugged. "Sure. But you could just do it online," he said in this way that made it clear that would be his preference. That way he didn't have to take any of your info or deal with any of your cash or will out any paperwork or forms or you online. Basically, he could keep standing there with his thumb up his ass.

"Got one," Erin said and pulled out a shirt. It still looked huge.

"That an xs?" Hank shook his head. Wasn't even a point in trying it on.

"Small," Erin said and held it up at her brother, who again cringed away from the intrusion and glanced around like someone might see.

He grunted. He'd grow into it eventually – hopefully sooner rather than later. But Ignatius didn't give you much leeway with that, even though you were purchasing for growing kids. Most of them right in the midst of growth spurts happening in rapid succession. And some families sure as fuck couldn't manage to buy $70 sweaters multiple times throughout their kids academic careers. School didn't seem to much care, though. Wanted the sizing to fit neatly. Even a little baggy and the kid could end up sent home on a uniform violation and sitting out a JUG in detention. Hadn't had to deal with that with Magoo. But J and Erin? Those two had both fucking excelled at uniform violations. Erin had racked up enough of them that she'd graduated from after-school JUG time to full-on Saturday detention. The real fucking Breakfast Club.

"Hank," he heard called at him again and turned to see Caruso's secretary. "Frank's ready to see you now." The woman gave Erin a thin, phony smile. "Hello, Erin."

Erin barely met her eyes and gave just a curt nod. Not a word. His girl hadn't much liked that old busybody back in her Ignatius days and not a whole lot had changed on that front. But now there wasn't a lot the old broad could do about it beyond let that fake smile turn into a scowl. "I think Father Caruso only needed to speak with you," she put to him more directly, though her eyes remained on Ethan and Erin. Both of them weren't paying her any mind, though.

"Try it on," he put to his boy and gave Erin a nod. "See how it fits. Guesstimate the best size. We'll get one of each on the order."

She gave a little nod and thrust the shirt at her brother who balked about having to go behind the curtain to change out his clothes. But he let her deal with that. She was good at shutting it down. And, really, Eth should be fucking thrilled to be getting these polos. Pull them on. No more of this fucking struggle with the buttons as he tremored after his morning shower every day.

So he just followed Ms. Fuddle-Duddle back into the main office area. She glanced at him and gave him another one of her fake smiles. "How's your grandson?"

"Good," he grunted. Didn't much feel the need to get chatty with her either. Didn't need to either, because Frank was already at his office door when they got in there.

Gave him a slightly more genuine smile. "Hank," he greeted, and gestured inside.

"Frank," he allowed and stepped in. Took a seat without waiting to be offered on, as Caruso closed the door. Got himself all arranged. Command the space. Didn't need to be the one behind the desk to own the room. Though, could tell with the way Frank got himself sat down, he was trying real hard to own it.

"Everything all sorted with Ethan?" the padre tried. Still smiling but felt a bit more disingenuous at that point.

Hank shrugged. "Sure," he provided. "Hope you aren't planning on telling me that little exercise was all some horse and pony show."

Frank shook his head firmly. "No, no. Nothing like that," he said, holding up his hand in a false-pretense. "I just do hope you took the recommendations from Ethan's teachers and aides into consideration when you were helping him select his course."

He smacked. "Sure," he confirmed. "He won't be looking at anything advanced placement and we all know he's not a fucking honors student."

Frank allowed him a patronizing smile. "But some of their actual course recommendations? For his track? Particularly in his languages. And math and science …"

Hank shoved tongue into his cheek and stared down the guy. Pretty clear the little delay in him getting called into that space was so he could get a briefing from the academic counselor, who clearly said they weren't doing what they were supposed to be doing. But fuck that. They'd do things their way. They'd do it E's way. And they'd make it work. That's the only way any of this shit could work.

"Told her," he nodded at him, "and I've told you before – I'm not going to tell me kid there's some class he shouldn't be taking if the only reasoning is that he might need some extra help and extra time."

"Hank," Frank sighed. "We're just trying to make Ethan's transition to high school – and his entire high school career – as easy as possible."

Hank shook his head. "He doesn't need things to be as easy as possible. He just needs the time and some reasonable accommodation to get the work done – and he'll get it done."

Frank sighed at him and slumped forward on his desk, resting his elbows there and rubbing at his eyebrows. "OK … my preference would be to listen to course recommendations from his teachers and his educational aides and his academic counselor, because then, Hank, we could get him slotted into those exact course and we could all start working together on his IEP for the year and figuring out exactly what kind of accommodations it is that Ethan will need."

Hank gave a little nod, "Well, my preference, Padre, is that you get my son slotted for the placement exams for his math and science. And, after I'd be happy to discuss his IEP with all your people here."

Frank rubbed at his eyebrow more and held up his hand to stop. "I'm not going to argue with you about it. We were all just trying to make this as easy as possible for your family."

"Frank, Ethan's lived enough life that he knows it's not easy," he nodded at him.

"OK …," Frank sighed. Hank grunted and moved to get up to leave. "I actually had intended to talk to you about something else," he interjected. And he let himself settle a bit, giving him a smack. "It's been noted that Ethan hasn't returned the paperwork for the Grade 8 retreat."

Hank shrugged. "Don't see much point in shelling out sixty bucks on a Confirmation retreat when he's not getting confirmed."

Frank let out a slow breath and sat back in his chair staring at him. "Hank, you know he's been preparing for his Confirmation with the rest of his class."

"Frank, know the religious indoctrination is part of the Ignatius experience. Don't have any problem with him sitting through the religion classes or going to the masses. But I'm not signing off on him joining the church."

"Hank, you are constantly," Frank started but Voight smacked at that and the guy toned it down a bit, "suggesting that Ethan doesn't feel that he's recognized as a member of our community. And, yet, here is the perfect opportunity to –"

"He's not getting confirmed," Hank pressed out again. "We don't practice religion at home. Getting confirmed is not anything he's expressed any interest in—"

"He has picked his saint name," Caruso argued.

"Because it was a classroom assignment," Hank nodded at him. "And we make sure my son completes his projects and homework."

"Hank," Frank argued again. "I can understand that your family might feel very disillusioned, but-"

He shook his head. "Frank, don't start with the liturgy. Don't need to hear it. Decision's been made."

"Camille—"

"Don't do that either," he smacked.

"I just don't want Ethan to miss out on—"

"My son's soul doesn't need saving, Frank."

"But he might find some strength in—"

Hank rose, looking down at him. "That all?"

Caruso sat back in his chair gave him a little shrug. But all it was Voight needed and he moved toward the door, reaching to open it himself, stopping just short. Turned back to the guy he'd grown-up with. Funny how you never know which ones from your youth you're going to still need to be interacting with in adulthood. The when and the how. What all that means. When there's history.

"Heard acceptance letters get sent out today," he put to the guy. Frank just gave him a slight nod. "Evalyn Gaines going to be getting one?"

Caruso tapped the fingertips of his clasped hands together. "I'm not involved in sending out the letters."

Hank grunted and gestured through the crack in the door he'd opened. "They sitting on her desk?"

"All our applicants receive letters whether they are accepted or not," Frank said flatly.

"Oh, but I'm sure we could figure out pretty quickly if it was an acceptance or rejection letter based on the bulk of the envelope, couldn't we?" he nodded.

Frank sighed at him. "Hank, I know you wrote the girl a character reference. But, I can't—"

"Then I guess you saw the rest of her application," he nodded at the guy. "Saw glowing reviews from her teachers and principal. Her coach. At the Rehab Center. Report cards with top marks. And a pretty eloquent essay for a thirteen-year-old girl about the kind of hell she's gone through so far in her life but all the fucking optimism and ambition she has for her future and the service she wants to be to this community – this city. And a statement from her father and grandmother telling you how much they support her, and believe in her, and how much her admission to Ignatius would mean to that whole family."

"She put together a very compelling application package," Caruso said so fucking flatly.

"She's a nice, bright, hard-working kid," he told him.

"And your son's only friend?" Frank asked – rhetorically.

Hank smacked at him. "I've had kids at Ignatius for ten years now, Frank. When have I ever written a letter of recommendation for anyone? Tried to get any kid in here but my own?"

"Hank, I have no control over the Board's decis—"

"You sit on the fucking Board, Frank," Hank spat at him.

Frank glared at him. "And what am I supposed to tell them, Hank? That we should let this girl in because you said so?"

"She has a whole lot more people rooting for her than just me," he said.

"But this would be another favor to you? To your family?" Frank pressed. "When I already have to explain to them why our school community is subsidizing the education of a family that does not participate in the church or our community. A family that some people feel does not reflect St. Ignatius' morals and values—"

Hank made a noise at that and shook his head. "That's very Christian of them," he nodded at the guy. "Good Catholics."

Frank just sighed and shook his head, looking down at his desk. Hank walked back over and pressed his finger into the desktop he was fascinated with.

"They want to spout that about me, or my son, or this little girl – then you remind them of all Camille did for this school—"

"Camille's been gone a long time, Hank," Frank said sadly.

Hank's face creased and smacked, pointing his finger into the desk even harder. "Remind them who's card you pull out and call when some little Richie Rich does something that's not so reflective of Ignatius' values. And who helps keep that family's name and this school's name and the fucking church out of the papers. Get the mess cleaned up before it's a real public mess."

Frank let out a slow breath and shared his brutal stare. "Get Ethan confirmed," he finally said and shook his head defensively. "It shows support to our community and the church. And some of the funding and budget allocations we receive are based on—"

"Is Evalyn Gaines getting an acceptance letter?" he barked back at him.

Frank's eyes danced at him with anger mingled with a touch of fear but he managed to shake out, "Yes."

Hank nodded and reached for his wallet, pulling out three twenties to fund the fucking Confirmation retreat, and holding them in front of Frank. The priest reached for them but Voight pulled them back slightly. "That girl better be getting an offer of some kind of tuition assistance real soon too if you actually want to have Ethan kneeling in front of the bishop."

He dropped the money on the desk and headed for the door, yanking it open. He went to Ms. Fuddle-Duddle's desk and gazed over it. Could see two postal boxes stacked with letter- and business-sized envelopes.

"Need you to dig me Evalyn Gaines' out of there," he put to her. She gaped at him and her eye's found Caruso's who'd come to his office door.

But he just shook his head. "It's OK," he said. "Get it."

The woman looked like she thought her office space had just been infiltrated by a terrorist. But she rolled her chair over and managed to bend over her rounded stomach to dig down into the bin with the bigger envelopes and straightened, pulling out an envelope and handing it to him.

Hank took a look at the mailing label and then tapped it on the divider in front of her desk, giving her one of the phony smiles she liked to hand out so much.

"Gonna make sure this gets hand delivered for you," he said and cast Frank a look. "You all have a blessed day."

Clearly E would really be starting high school on the right foot. But at least he was going to have someone walking there beside him while he took those steps.

 **AUTHOR'S NOTE: Feedback and reviews are appreciated. And motivating to actually make me want to keep trying with this AU.**


	6. Triggers

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

Erin looked toward the stairs that lead up to the main floor and the kitchen – Jay's heavy, tired steps trekking up them.

"Whatever you're making, it smells amazing," he told her just as he emerged around the bend and saw her standing there.

She gave him a thin smile – but a genuine. She knew he was exhausted. She knew that the case had rattled him some.

Both the girls – and what was being done to them – but also with the accusations that Ellie batted around and the professional implications that had. As well as the blow to his ego and his personal integrity. But, it wasn't just all that. That was enough to bring out his temper – and his at times limited patience. But Erin knew he was teetering toward volatile because some of his still open wounds from his own past were being exposed.

It might not have been boys he was having to deal with – but it was still teenaged victims being taken advantage of and brutalized by people in positions of authority at a place where they should be safe. Add in that one of the girls had been a key perpetrator in tricking the others out – and the murder – someone their age, and it only made the situation worse.

Those kinds of cases set Jay off. And, though, they hadn't had a chance to talk about much of it yet – and even when they did, it was debatable how much he'd say or what he'd admit it'd done to him on his inside, what it'd triggered inside him – she knew what situations were like well enough.

She knew the kind of things girls in those situations did. She'd been in them. She'd been on of those girls. And she knew that however it was framed, Jay would've been propositioned. And as much as he wanted to depict it as an offer of sex or her touching or kissing his cheek. Erin knew how this started. That what would've been placed in front of him was oral sex or a handjob.

That some little girl – Ellie - likely tried to touch him. And that would send Jay's skin crawling enough. But they were children. Because he was a good guy. And even undercover, he wasn't quite good enough at his acting that he was able to hide that. He might never be. Not in these kinds of cases.

But Erin also knew Jay well enough that she also knew that it wouldn't just be about that. She knew that reaching for his crotch – touching him uninvited and outside of his many rules and boundaries – came with repercussions. And left him with that look in his eyes. The trigger. The PTSD. The hurt and the guilt and the shame and the embarrassment and the outright rage and anger all mingling together. And she didn't have any doubt in her that he'd been triggered on this case.

That the PTSD had been dancing in him. In how he was holding himself when he was in the bullpen. The way he continuously held his arms crossed protectively in front of him. IN the short temper. The hit walls and the thrown chairs and the raised voice. And that look in his eyes. There. For all to see. Though, she didn't know how many people in the bullpen actually recognized it. And even if they did, if they'd truly connected what was under it. That it wasn't just the Rangers or Afghanistan. That there was more to how volatile he got every time they ended up on a case with kids or teens. Especially ones like this. Where it wasn't gangbangers or drugs. Where it was a different kind of evil they were dealing with.

"Meatloaf," she provided. "With ketchup."

"Spicy ketchup?" he asked, as he got to her level and wandered into the kitchen.

She cocked an eyebrow at him. "You really think I'd make it with just plain, old, regular ketchup?"

He smiled. An exhausted, dopey smile. One that had endeared him to her. Because was scruffy and rough and tumble he could be. That tough guy image he tried to project – and protect – because he needed to. Because in a lot of ways he was. But she could also see that little boy in him. The goofy one, who was hurt and anxious and really just wanted someone to love and accept him too. And she understood that. It was something she wanted too. To just be good enough.

He came over and wrapped his arms around her and she let him. Let him lean over her and give her a small kiss next to her ear. To support some of his weight. Because as he pressed into her back, she could feel his exhaustion. She could feel that he still felt like he was carrying the weight of the world that night. And she let him watch her work for a long moment, as he held her – as he weighed against her – and stared down at her hands peeling the potatoes.

"And mashed potatoes?" he mumbled against her neck.

She made a little affirmative sound. "And green bean casserole."

"You're an angel," he smiled against her neck.

And it made her smile too. Jay wore his heart on his sleeve a lot – when it came to those he cared about most. But he usually refrained from being overly sappy. He wasn't a grand romantic. Maybe a bit of a romantic at heart – in an philosophical sort of way. But every once and a while, when he was really tired – and maybe had had a bit more to drink than he should – he let a little bit of sap slip out. Not in a flippant or melodramatic way. It wasn't patronizing or sarcastic. It was just Jay. A state of fact presented in one of his softer moments. And she liked when she got them. She didn't tease him about them or put a sarcastic wit back at him. Because if she did, the walls might go back up, and the occasional sappiness would dry up with it. And sometimes it was nice to have your man – your best friend in the world, your partner in life – tell you things like you were an angel.

"I figured you'd want a real meal," she allowed. Though, she'd briefly considered just offering up takeout or suggesting they go out for dinner when he did finish with his paperwork and got home. But she could see how mentally, emotionally and physically drained she was even when she was leaving for the day. And, she knew that her actually cooking for him would be a lot more meaningful than her getting on the phone to have Thai delivered – no matter how much he liked Thai.

This was comfort food. Low-income Midwest comfort food. Something that wouldn't normally fit into Jay's diet routine unless it was one of his so-called cheat days. But it was something he'd grown up with. And even though living with Bunny there hadn't ever really been enough money to afford meatloaf – and it'd never been a dish in high rotation at the Voights' while she lived there – she'd still listened when he talked about how his mom made it. How much he'd grown up on meat and potatoes. And, even though she wouldn't delude herself that hers tasted anything like his mom's – nor that it was even particularly good – she had learned how to make the meatloaf smeared with ketchup and chili powder and how to mix up the beans and mushroom soup and crispy fried onions. And the handful of times they'd had it, Jay still acted like it was better than some of the fancy-pants restaurants they'd stood in ridiculous lines for to eat brunch at with Will and Nina.

Erin didn't entirely buy his professed love for the meal. Though, she appreciated it. Even if she suspected it was all just an act to get her to cook for him more.

"You figured right," he allowed. "The food they were feeding those kids should've been on the list of the criminal activity going on at Brady."

She made a quiet sound of amusement. Though, she knew it was fact. She knew what those kinds of places served up as food. He'd likely been living off of PB+J for the week. If he was lucky.

Still, she let herself put down the knife and potatoes and twisted around in his grip, smiling up at him as she dipped in for a kiss and his arms settled around waist, right above her ass.

"Did I mention I'm about take all those bananas you abandoned on the counter all week and make you banana bread instead?" she told him, as she reached to touch his cheek, to rub at his scruff there.

"Have I mentioned lately that I love you?" he put to her.

She smiled more at him. "I don't think I heard much of that this week," she said. But outside of him check in at work and them trying to sort out the tangled web the girls were weaving, she really hadn't seen much of him.

"I love you," he affirmed.

She grinned at him. "Love you too," she said and leaned in again to find his mouth.

They kissed. A real kiss. It wasn't foreplay. It was clearly a request for closeness. The need for it. And comfort. To just be together. His quiet gratitude that the case was closed. That he was home. That he wasn't undercover anymore. That he could sleep in his own bed. With her. And they could start moving passed this. That he could calm and settle. The kiss – its connection and its deepness, its quiet sensualness – told her that he wanted her to be part of that. To be there with him while he did settle.

But the kiss was still interrupted.

"Gross …" was mumbled loudly from across the level. Out of the mouth of her little brother.

Their mouths stopped moving – though they didn't immediately part. Erin could feel amusement across Jay's lips at the comment but also felt the mild annoyed frustration pulse down his body. He parted from her and rested his forehead against hers.

"Sorry," she said quietly.

"It's OK," he allowed. Though, she could tell it wasn't entirely. It wasn't for her either. "I saw his boots downstairs …"

He turned his head slightly, gazing into the living room. To Ethan flopped on the floor at the coffee table, ignored homework spread there while the rest of the space was piled with toys he'd pulled out from the fabric bin that had taken up residence under their end table. A physical reminder of not just how often Eth was over there anymore – but that Henry was. There were toys and educational aides and board books and games and general activities and distractions for the two boys. Some that had been dragged over and left. Some that they'd purchased on their own to try to make either evolving big brother-big sister, aunt-uncle duties, obligations and responsibilities a little easier.

E was supposedly using the toys for some sort of spelling and writing assignment. She'd had to send him over there to try to do that on his own when it'd reached a point she needed a break from trying to help him do his math homework. But it really just looked like he was staring at the TV. Apparently it hadn't zombied him out enough, though, to distract him entirely from Jay's arrival home.

"Hi, Eth," Jay provided.

But Eth just looked at him in a long gaze and then turned back to the TV. Apparently they weren't that interesting now that their lips weren't locked anymore.

Jay gave her a look at the brush-off he'd just gotten. But she shrugged and made her own noise of frustration, twisting out of his grip a bit to go and finish with the potatoes.

"Did it look like Hank was almost done?" she asked.

Even though she knew the answer. The case had created a shitload of paperwork with agencies and red tape hitting them from multiple angles. There was the Ivory Tower. There were the lawyers. There was DCFS. There was Jay's FoP rep. The medical examiner's office. Co-ordinating with Homicide and Special Victims.

Jay filling out his share of forms had taken hours. As the supervisor of the unit, it'd take Hank hours more – because he was in-charge of mopping up the mess, co-ordinating with all the other stakeholders and being accountable to the higher ups. And he'd be doing his best to keep the shit from running downhill and colliding into Jay unfairly. Because he did that for his team. Taught lessons and let you learn from your mistakes and missteps but also protected you from the assholes who didn't get the job – and didn't have the best interests of the victims or the community in mind.

She'd been in communication enough with Hank to know that he was going to be a while. Though, Hank wasn't one to ever attach a time to what "a while" meant. It could mean anything from him being five minutes late to five hours late. Or longer. She was really hoping that that night, though, it would be sooner rather than later. Because, as much as she'd come to accept that being an adult in Ethan's life – and whatever other labels they placed on that role that never seemed to quite capture exactly what her responsibilities had become with her little brother – she knew where she was really needed that night was with her fiancée. And it was her that she should be available to.

But, she supposed, her and Jay were both coming to understand that being there for each other came in a lot of forms. And when family was involved and it all intermingled with their work and professional lives, it made carving out that alone time to actively be there for each other a little different. Maybe it was a good crash course in preparing for the if, and when, they had kids of their own. And had to still find time to be a couple and to be there – actively – and to hear each other's thoughts, hopes, fears and dreams, and to talk it all through.

Jay shook his head. "Not really," he said of the potential of Hank's impending arrival. "What happened to Olive?"

She let out another long breath through her nose – trying to hide her annoyance. Because she would've liked that night to just be there for Jay. To have some alone time. Not just for them. But for him. To let him come home and talk or sleep. Or more. Because he needed that – for his own emotional health and sanity after a case like that too.

"She has some test tomorrow that she doesn't feel ready for," she muttered and cast him a look. "So …" she flared her nostrils at that and then shrugged. Because what the fuck could they really do? There wasn't a right or fair answer for anyone. Someone was going to get screwed over in the situation. So it became more of a question of how one person getting screwed over would affect the rest of them long-term. And Olive flunking a test would have bigger implications for all of them long-term than her and Jay not getting to talk immediately that night. They'd still get decompression time. They'd still be allowed to talk. It just might not be as immediately or as alone as either of them might've liked it.

So she just pointed her knife over in Eth's direction. "And so does he. But apparently he was crippling around at school. So the nurse gave him one of his meds. Now he's off on another planet."

And likely liable to flunk his test too. Because studying wasn't happening. And even if it was, Erin couldn't remember how the hell to do the practice test that had been sent home with him. So, in another screw over to all of them, she was sort of glad Jay was there now. Because, the math homework … he was good at that. He seemed to remember it. Understand it. And know how to explain it to Eth in a way he seemed to grasp. Too bad his fucking educational aide didn't seem to have the same skill set or patience.

Jay made a quiet noise of acknowledgement, leaning against the counter and staring in careful examination at Eth who'd gone back to staring at the TV with a pencil gripped in one hand in some sort of lax attempt to look like he was actually doing something over there.

"We're taking a break," Erin put flatly. "So he survives until his math test. Even if he doesn't survive it."

Jay made a small sound and gave a little nod, still looking across at Ethan. Though, he was reaching as she finished peeling the potatoes and rinsing them under faucet before dropping them into a pot of water she had there.

"His EA send up a practice test?" he muttered, without a glance.

Erin reached and grabbed the sheet from where Eth had left it in front of the stool he'd sat sulking on at the raised breakfast bar along the side of their countertop. She slide over to where Jay was slouching, still contemplating the kid.

"I am apparently not smarter than an Eighth Grader," she said of the sheet with all these monomial, binomial and polynomial operations on it. It was written in a foreign language to her. And apparently to Ethan too. "Do you remember how to do those things?"

Jay pulled his eyes away from Eth and gave the sheet a slow perusal. It got another sound of acknowledgement. Not a yes or a no. Just acknowledgement.

"You should let your brother know you're alive," she nodded at him.

He made a sound. That wasn't acknowledgement. That was distaste. But it was another sign that Jay was struggling a bit more than he wanted to let on. That some of his childhood wounds had had salt rubbed in them. That he'd triggered a bit. Because Will was on the list of people he didn't have much interest in being around or talking to when he was going through one of his episodes. That dealing with his brother while he was struggling to stifle one of his triggers – to calm the PTSD – was the last thing he had any interest in doing. His older brother who let him down. And through backward comments Jay had made Erin could only be left with the impression that Will might've turned a blind-eye in a way that had allowed Jay to be farther victimized. And even if Will hadn't fully known or understood all that was going on, he, in the very least, hadn't stood up for Jay nor had he saved him from it. And as much as Jay had forgiven him and they'd all tried to move on, Erin knew too in some ways that would always be unforgivable. Especially on days like this. Especially every time Jay had to interact with more children – teens – who were the victims and people in positions of authority, power or trust hadn't saved them either.

"He's been trying to get a hold of you, apparently," she tried. "He called my phone when you weren't getting back to him."

That got another sound out of him, as he stared at Ethan. "What'd he want?" Jay muttered. There was a small care-factor there. But a whole lot of don't give a fuck intermingled with it.

"After ranting at me about this being a repeat of Afghanistan …," she said.

He cast her look making another unimpressed sound, as he straightened. The sound that said he hated how Will rewrote history about the whens and hows and whys the two of them went through periods of lack of communication. About the accusation that he hadn't told him where he was while he was in Afghanistan – when he wasn't allowed to tell anyone, for the safety of his entire unit. When it wasn't Jay who'd pulled repeated – and extended – disappearing acts on his family.

"There's trouble in paradise," she told him, raising her eyebrow.

"Of course," he mumbled.

"He asked me what I felt was an inappropriate number of workplace romances," she said.

Jay shook his head and rolled his eyes. "I hope you didn't legitimize that with an answer," he said picking up the practice math test.

"Nope," she allowed.

It hadn't taken long to realize she didn't want to get anywhere near Will and his lousy love life. She thought Jay was a little envious of her hands-off stance on that. But it was way too messy. She already had to deal with enough of that in own life and with Kim coming to her for advice.

How and why Kim thought she was someone who could legitimately give viable advice on love and relationships still boggled her mind. She'd basically decided after a whole lot of self-destructive behavior, bad choices and completely falling on her face combined with a healthy disinterest – and lack of understanding of love, relationships or marriage – had eventually allowed her to be in the right place, at the right time and to meet the right guy who was right for her. Basically – she'd gotten lucky. And now she just had to work her ass off to make sure that the actual love, marriage and relationship part actually worked. And that was hard too. And most of the time, she thought both her and Jay were both just making it up as they went along. But, she supposed, that seemed to work too. Fake it until they made it. As long as they were committed to making it through together. And they seemed to be.

Jay just grunted something that vaguely sounded like a 'thanks' but probably sounded a whole lot more like Hank. And headed to cross into the living space.

He slumped heavily onto the couch without Ethan acknowledging him but didn't brow beat him about it. He just stared at the television too. Sitting there for several long minutes, as Erin went back to finishing up the potatoes and getting them on the stove to start boiling. So that hopefully that they'd be about ready when the rest of their meal was ready. And hoped even more that Ethan would decided he wasn't interested in potatoes that night so she could actually use milk and butter when she mashed them up – rather than just smashing the things down or having to resort to coconut milk. Potatoes and coconut milk just really wasn't meant to go together in her opinion.

Then she shifted her focus to starting on the banana bread, that she knew her and Jay would likely have done by the time breakfast was over tomorrow morning. It was a good thing she rarely baked, because that kind of breakfast was dangerous to have in the house for both of them. As she started organizing and measuring out the ingredients, she gave occasional glances over at Jay and her brother.

"What are we watching?" Jay finally asked.

"Need for Speed," Ethan mumbled. "Evan said it was really good. But it's not. There's too much talking and not enough racing."

Jay made a little sound and stared at the screen again. It apparently was enough to finally get a glance from Ethan.

"You worked a lotta doubles this week," he said.

"Mmm," Jay acknowledged. "Yea …"

Ethan examined him. "Did you wear that to work?"

Jay glanced down at his yellow flannel and jeans. "Yea."

Eth squinted. "That's not how you usually dress for work," he said. "Or ever."

Jay made a quiet sound at that but leaned forward, setting the practice test on the coffee table. Eth gave it an anxious glance. But Jay didn't say anything, he just slide off the couch and settled on the floor next to Magoo.

"Yellow's kind of a weird color," Ethan said – clearly still trying to steer clear of the pending homework push.

"Yea?" Jay put to him. But Erin could see that he was now really taking in the kid. Watching his body language and checking his eyes. Weighing just how high as a kite he was in that moment. How much pain he was in. Or if the medication has subtitled one for the other.

"I don't like it," Eth said. "But my mom did. So she likely would've liked that shirt."

Jay gave him a small smile. "You saying you don't like my shirt?"

Eth shrugged and pointed at the shirt that was on underneath. "Dad was wearing a shirt that color today too. I don't know what color that is."

Jay made a small face at the suggestion that him and Hank had been twinning without him even realizing it. But Erin had noticed too. It just hadn't been the kind of day – or week – to tease either of them about that kind of thing.

"I think it's maroon," Jay provided.

"More like purple," Eth muttered, staring transfixed at the color and the abstract pattern on the tee. He was clearly out of his head. "It looks pretty bad with yellow."

"Mmm …," Jay acknowledged. "Maybe I should just go back to black and grey?"

Eth kept staring. "Yea. Maybe," he said sounding really distant. But he seemed to snap out of it and met Jay's eyes briefly. "Tomorrow's civies day."

"Mmm …," Jay acknowledged again, glancing around him and reaching to pull the bin of toys closer to him, looking in and starting to root around for something in there. Whatever was left in there. Ethan had all sorts of crap spread all over the place over there. He was worse about it than Henry on the days he decided he was going to get into it and not just commandeer their TV and Jay's flatscreen and Xbox when he was over. "Take it you're not going to be wearing yellow and purple."

Eth didn't catch the sarcasm. "I don't know if I'm going to do it this time," he said instead. "I hate you hafta pay two bucks to wear normal clothes. That's kinda a lotta allowance."

Jay made another sound of acknowledgement. "But maybe it's a small price to pay to keep some of the assholes from giving you a hard time about being in your colors on civies day," he provided.

Eth gave him a hurt look at that. But there was an acknowledgement in his eyes too. Jay had come into the District more than once since their move from having dropped Eth off at school and having spotted kids busting his balls as he tried to make his way across the quad and into the buildings. Erin had seen it too. They'd both talked to him about it. But Ethan always tried to play it down and still seemed scared about his dad finding out about him being bullied, even though she knew Hank knew and was as mad – or madder – than them about it. But Eth still lived in fear that if he got into a fight that his dad might end up sending him away again – or make him go to military school or join the army. Like Justin. No matter how many times everyone assured him that wasn't what would happen. The reality was at this point, if Eth ever decided to take on one of the little fuckers at Iggy's who gave him a hard time, that he'd likely earn a pat on the back from all of them. Especially his dad. And that they'd all be in his corner for whatever fallout the school tried to rain down on Eth about it. Because Erin suspected with some of these kids, it was going to be Ethan standing up for himself – in a brutal and physical way – that finally put them in their place and got them to leave him the hell alone.

"You hurting today because of a flare or because someone got in your face again?" Jay put to him at the look. Ethan just shrugged at him. And Jay reached and pulled slightly at her brother's collar, his finger grazing against a bruise on his collarbone that Erin hadn't spotted. But she'd been so frustrated with Olive's call and then Hank's call and then Ethan himself that she hadn't really been looking at him. She'd mostly been trying not to be another person getting in his face and biting his head off. Hence them in break time. Their time-out corners. "What's this?"

"Nothing …," Ethan said pulling away from him and pushing himself a little down farther away on his ass.

"Doesn't look like nothing," Jay said sternly.

"My locker stuck," he muttered under his breath. "I pulled it too hard. It hit me. It's the side I can't see so good."

Jay just stared at him. He wasn't buying it. But even from across the room, Erin wasn't buying it either. But she was still forcing herself to not go over and take a look at the bruise herself and interrogate him more. Sometimes browbeating him did jack-all to dealing with anything.

But Jay let it go. Instead, he pushed aside some of the Hot Wheels and Duplo and plastic tracks that Ethan had all over the table. The tracks were Jay's fault. He'd decided to go out and buy all that orange plastic and had spent hours building tracks down every fucking level of stairs in their house with both the boys. And then racing the cars down them. Apparently that was an activity that was universally appealing to boys. It didn't seem to matter if they were a toddler or a teenager or a man in their thirties or fifties. All of them had participated.

Henry loved it. Or at least he loved going up and down the stairs. He hadn't quite mastered putting the Hot Wheel onto the track or realizing that the car was going down it – and down, down, down it. If anything, he usually got upset when the car got taken from him to send flying down the roadway. Or he'd try to do it himself and end up knocking over the flimsy tracks, which would get Ethan frustrated. Or he'd want to put some of his Mighty Wheels or Smart Wheelies or Paw Patrol cars or anything much bigger than a diecast on and they would just fall over or collapse the course too.

A slinky was a much better bet with Henry. Not making it go. But watching it in awe. And climbing after it. And then picking it up and turning it into a tangled mess as he flung it around and shrieked about having not picked it all up. He just liked that he got to go up and down the stairs. And he loved even more that Jay and his uncle and Hank seemed absolutely fine with doing it on repeat for a whole afternoon. Even better that her and Jay had way more stairs than Popa's house. She was pretty sure the only reason Henry liked them was because the townhouse had stairs. Otherwise, all bets would be off.

"Think you're supposed to be working on homework," Jay said as he unzipped the package of Bananagrams and dumped them into the space he'd cleared on the table. "Not playing with toys."

"That is homework," Ethan said defensively.

Jay reached across him and pulled the spelling sheet he had in front of him over for him to look at.

"How's that?" he asked, as he started flipping and sorting out the letters.

Erin knew he was pulling out the letters for that week's word list. Because, much like math and science, they'd come to accept that Ethan learned better when he had props. When the learning what tactile. You couldn't just hand him a sheet of paper or give him an assignment on the iPad or computer and expect him to be able to fill it out in short order – let alone understand it. He needed to be able to touch it and play with it and rearrange it and see different examples and patterns and work through trial and error. So word games, math games, puzzle games. They were starting to look like their house was a learning resource center. Or at least a satellite one. Hank's once-den looked worse.

"I have to work on my science fair project," Ethan said. "Dad says I'm not allowed to do dinosaurs or space or robots or circuitry. Because it wouldn't be trying hard enough. So I thought maybe I'd do cars or Hot Wheels or something. Like which ones go fastest down ramps."

Jay gave a little nod and allowed him a small look of approval. "You know that's all math, right?" Eth squinted at him. But Jay nodded at him and grabbed the practice test that he'd gone over with. "You're going to have to figure out equations like this to prove your hypothesis."

Ethan got a worse look on his face. "I don't want to work on that right now. Erin said we were taking a break."

Jay shrugged and went back to the letter flipping. "Then let's work on this," he told him sternly. "Doesn't look like you've done much and I think you should be able to have this done before dinner easy."

Eth let out a sigh and gave him a pathetic look. But Jay completely ignored it. He just lined up a few letters and then gestured at the rest of the pile he'd collected. "Fill in the blanks."

Eth gazed at him like if he gave him enough of a puppy dog look that he'd be left alone to watch the end of the movie. But Jay didn't fall for the puppy dog looks very well. At least not of those variety. If he was kicked down and hurting, it'd be a different story. Slightly stoned and whiney – didn't earn much sympathy. It especially wouldn't that night when Jay likely wanted to be doing a whole lot of nothing himself too. He'd likely happily sit and stare at the television and try to zone out if they were there alone. But they weren't.

The kid took the hint as Jay kept his eyes in his firm, demanding stare. And Eth turned glumly to the letters. He gazed at the few Jay had selected and then started pushing around in the pile in a little search.

"It's physics," Jay said as Ethan did that, getting a little glance. "Your science project. Force, velocity, gravity. It's going to be affected by the weight of the cars and the angle of the ramp." Ethan gave him another shy look. "It's a good idea."

A smile tugged at Eth's face but then faded. "But Erin says you guys are taking alone time this weekend."

Jay made a quiet noise at that and gave her a glance. But she offered him a shrug. It was a given. They needed it. Jay deserved it. They both did.

"Yea," Jay provided. "Likely."

"All weekend?" E put to him.

"Ahh …," Jay hesitated and cast her another look. But she raised her eyebrow at him. Because she'd leave it up to him. But it wasn't often that they got a totally Ethan free weekend. And after a week like he'd had – he might be smart to take it. If he didn't, she'd remember it the next time he expressed displeasure about the when and the how they found time for themselves and their relationship. The debate on whether they were putting Ethan or her side of the family ahead of the family they were supposed to be making for themselves. Ahead of their relationship. Or he just gave off the vibe that he'd really rather have a bed-in than deal with her little brother. "Don't you have Robotics this weekend?" he tried.

"No," Ethan hissed. Because it was something Jay would've likely known – that Ethan would've expected him to know. But Ethan didn't know that Jay had spent the past three days undercover – and that was why he'd been MIA from his life. It wasn't just double shifts. And it wasn't like they'd had the time to talk about much outside of work and the case. Or that Jay would be checking the calendar or getting updates on the pending weather system that was supposed to blow off the lake that weekend. All of that would be about the farthest thing from his mind.

"Don't you like spending Saturdays with your dad on the weekends you both have off…?" he tried instead.

Ethan sighed at him. "Dad says he has to go do lots of paperwork on Saturday. So I have to go sit with him there. And that means I'll have to do my experiment there too," he whined ever so slightly. "Can't I just come over and do it here? So you can help?"

Jay reached and screwed around the letters he had, Eth working with, pointing to the vocabulary worksheet, in a clear but quiet order for her brother to write down whatever it was that he'd just worked out with the game tiles. He watched him do the writing, glancing around his hand and starting to arrange the next set of letters. These ones in a grouped pile. All the letters for the word would be there that time. Eth would just have to figure out which word it was.

"Eth," Jay said as the kid started to work away again and he again watched his efforts carefully – near scientifically. "It's been a really long week. I think I'd really like to just take some downtime on Saturday. Spend some time with your sister. No offence."

Ethan gave him a more pathetic look at that. "But I finished reading Prisoner of Azkaban this week," he tried. "And we need to watch the movie."

Erin got another little glance at that. And she again cocked her eyebrow at him – leaving it up to him to decide how he wanted to play through that. Because maybe when he was being the target of the requests, he'd start to appreciate a little bit more how much it could suck sometimes to pick between the two of them. How you felt like you were letting him down – no matter how much you wanted that 'you time' and 'free time' back in your life. No matter how much you both needed and deserved time to yourselves and for your relationship. But how much of a struggle it could be to carve any of that out anymore. Even though they'd both tried to start framing it for themselves as some sort of practice round for when they started their family. If it was this hard – and exhausting – with her little brother and occasionally babysitting Henry, she didn't want to imagine what be like when it was their own child – or children.

It made her appreciate even more how Hank and Camille had some how managed to juggle it. How there had still been family time. How each of them got special, individual moments and time with mom and dad. And how they managed to maintain their own marriage and relationship through it all. Despite the fights and arguments and disagreements and loud (or whispered) basement and back porch discussions they had. They'd waded through it and figured it out too. And they'd made it work. And somehow, for the most part, to a teenager's eyes they'd made it seem relatively easy. Or at least manageable. There were times now – with Camille gone and even more since Ethan had come home and been diagnosed and with having Henry back in the city – that Erin didn't know how they did it. How they'd kept it together. And the family together. And she had an even greater appreciation for the rather significant – and kind and unselfish – role that Camille had played in all that. For them. For her. For Ethan and for Justin. And for Hank.

"Well …," Jay hesitated again. "Maybe when you're dad comes around to get you tonight, we can see about trying to get an invite to Sunday dinner …," he suggested, keeping her eyes and she allowed a nod of approval at that compromise.

It was reasonable. And Hank liked having everyone over for dinner on Sunday anyways. This would save her from that guilt trip and from deciding whether she should even feel guilty about not wanting to attend that every week. If she really felt like sitting down for a meal as a family a handful of times as a month played any significant role in their healing and moving on. But the thing was, it did. Or it was. Or at least it seemed to. Because, it was something that Hank and Camille had always valued and pressed at them. Meals at the table as a family, as much as possible. Whenever possible.

And in their family counseling these past months, it'd been about the only request Hank had put forward. His big plea – or offer – on how he felt he could try to fix their relationship and mend their family. How he wanted to try to do that. How he was willing to do that. The time – outside of work and outside of shuttling Ethan back-and-forth between homes and schools – that he wanted with her, face-to-face. To try to get back some part of what they'd lost. Or to try to figure out how to be whatever they were now. The people they were now.

And in all the sessions they'd been to now, it'd been all he'd really directly asked her for. Beyond repeatedly stating that whatever their relationship was, he wanted her – and needed her – to maintain a relationship with Ethan. That Ethan needed it too.

So the Sunday dinners had been another compromise.

One that wasn't entirely terrible. They were manageable. Though, they'd become more frequently than she'd like since Olive and Henry had come back to the city. A bit of a New Year's resolution, as Hank pushed to try to have the gatherings near every Sunday. When Erin really would've preferred they be monthly at the most. Though, Jay didn't seem too bothered. He liked the food and he didn't seem to have too many qualms about sitting and watching sports in Hank's living room.

"And we can have a bit of a movie night after that," Jay said, moving his eyes back to Ethan and giving him a nod to indicate that should be the end of the conversation.

"But it's the free mini build weekend at the Lego Store too," Ethan pressed. "And some of the sets are buy one get one forty percent off."

"Mmm …," Jay acknowledged but Erin could see he was staring at the way Ethan's hands were tremoring as he manipulated the small letter tiles. Erin had seen it too. But he always tremored more when he was in pain. So she hadn't thought too much on it. Her mind had been in a lot of places that night – that weren't her brother. But clearly something had caught Jay's attention about it. "You sure you are up for a Mini Build this weekend?" he put to Eth.

Her brother gave him a little glance. "I was sorta thinking that I haven't used my birthday coupon yet for double allowance. And if it's real double allowance and not just you doubling what Dad gives me and if we used my Lego money this month, that'd be like … fifty … four dollars this week. And with the sale, I could probably buy a bunch of the little City car sets. And then I can like customize all my cars for the experiment. That'd be probably even better than Hot Wheels. Maybe it'd even win."

Jay gave a little nod. "Lot of money for a science fair project, bud," he allowed. "And might not want to have Lego out on display at the science fair. Might walk off on you."

"But so might Hot Wheels," E said, reaching for his pencil to note something on his paper. His hand was clearly jumping at that point and Erin could tell from the way Jay was gazing at it that whatever he was putting down on the paper must be near intelligible – even for Ethan.

"But you've got a ton of Hot Wheels," Jay said. "Could use old ones or ones that aren't favorites. Or could just go over to the store and pick up a new five-pack for the experiment for about ten-times cheaper than Lego. But … it's your cash."

Ethan gave him a glance. "But it's Thursday," he said. "So my marks got uploaded. And I know I did pretty good this week. And it's been a month since our last Lego trip."

Jay nodded and moved his eyes away from the hopping hand to Eth's hopeful face. "You got your tablet in your bag? Check your portal. See just how good you did." Ethan nodded eagerly, a smile creeping on his lips again. He moved like he was going to stand, but Jay tapped at the word tiles again and looked to her instead. "Er, did you check his pill box?"

She shook her head. Because he should've taken his last pills of the afternoon at Olive's. All that should be left for her was his injection and his bedtime pills – which hopefully Hank would have picked him up to take care of. But, if not – which would piss her off – they had a set upstairs for the nights he slept over.

She stopped her efforts to stir the dry and wet ingredients together and rounded the counter island to where he'd left his backpack on one of the stools. But his body language across the room told her what she was going to find there.

"Ethan, you're supposed to be taking your medication," she scolded, as she dug his pillbox out of a zipper pocket and gave him an upset look.

"Olive didn't remind me," Ethan protested weakly.

She raised her eyebrow at him in annoyance and grabbed the bottle of water he'd left there too. Based on the weight of it, he hadn't been hydrating that well that day either. That would explain at least part of why he was in extra pain.

"Olive shouldn't have to remind you," she told him firmly, as she yanked the iPad out of the bag. She brought all the items over to her brother. "It's supposed to be in your phone. You're thirteen. And you're supposed to be managing this medication on your own."

He gave her a hurt look as she handed him the medication and the bottle. He fumbled around with getting the cap twisted off with his tremor. Jay took it from him and did it for him, giving it back.

"I just forgot," Eth muttered. "The medicine the nurse gave me makes me feel all stoned."

Erin just shook her head at him and gestured at his shaking hands as he got the pills into his mouth. "And this is what happens when you don't take that medication on time," she said. He gave her an embarrassed look. He wasn't going to argue. He knew. So he just took a sip of the water. "More," she instructed to him. He should be drinking a whole glass. Not just sipping them down. He listened, though, and took another two gulps.

She retreated back to the kitchen. Leaving Jay again to hang out with her little brother. Letting him check on this awesome week that he'd supposedly had. That he wanted to show off to Jay and earn his praise and approval and the little reward system they'd established to slog through all the days and weeks and months that weren't so awesome. That little bit of time and little bit of money – but the memories and togetherness that Ethan seemed to value so much that sometimes it hurt Erin to know that her brother had established that with Jay but hadn't managed to with his own brother. Yet, she was glad he did have it with Jay. For both of them. And it wasn't something he would ever do anything to take away from them – even if it meant that Jay decided he was going to give up an hour or two of their alone time on Saturday to take Ethan to the fucking Lego store.

Because managing her brother – it was skill set that he'd become far too good at. And in a way that was oddly attractive. If she didn't know what she was getting with Jay before – watching his interactions with Ethan reminded her again and again. It reminded her that they were a team. It reminded her that he was a sweet, kind-hearted and self-sacrificing man. And it reminded her of how he could be goofy and a little boy himself – that some of that was still in him. And it reminded her – showed her – that for whatever failings she thought she might have as a mother, that he'd be there to help carry the load and clean it up and make sure that the kid was cared for and didn't get away with murder. That he'd be an amazing father. Because he was an amazing partner and friend. Not just to her – but to this little person that he didn't have to be any of those things, but to whom he'd become that. Friend, mentor, tutor, big brother.

And how could she not love that. How could she not want to keep that in her life. And why wouldn't she feel guilty about wanting to keep that all to herself and not share it with others. Or to see what kind of little person they could create between the two of them – genes, nature, nurture, personalities, and parenting styles. It'd probably be a pretty great little person.

Especially if they had Jay's eyes. Even his ones like today. When they were hurt and distant and reeling. Because he was still there. He was still present and he still cared. And he'd bend over backwards to make sure those around him – the ones he was responsible for – were cared for and protected. No matter how exhausted and broken he was.

And no matter how exhausted and broken he was – he was loved. And respected. And valued. Likely be more people than he wanted to accept or acknowledged.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: Your readership, feedback, comments and reviews are much appreciated.**


	7. The Journey

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

Erin shifted against Jay's bare chest. She'd been staring out the window – into the dark, the few lights down the alleyway at the back of their house, the fewer still windows that still had some light flooding out from them from various neighbors who also hadn't gone to sleep yet. But she'd mostly been listening to his heart. His breathing. Waiting for him to calm – not just from the sex, but from the whole day. But that hadn't happened. And she could tell it likely wasn't going to.

She looked up at him. Her movement garnering enough of his attention that he glanced down at her. His face registered with vague surprise. Maybe she'd been laying still enough, and quiet enough, that he'd thought she'd drifted off. But she hadn't. She didn't intend to until he slept too. She didn't like leaving him alone when he was like this – even if that alone meant she was still physically with him, though unconscious. Besides – she knew him. She knew that he'd just lay there staring at the ceiling all night, lost in about a million thoughts he shouldn't be thinking about. Or that when he was truly confident that she was asleep, he'd get up and go and stare at one of his documentaries or infomercials. Likely with a beer that he didn't need and shouldn't be drinking. Not alone in the dark in his state of mind.

Though, these days there was about as much chance that he'd end up turning on the fucking Xbox too and burying himself in one of the games that Ethan wasn't allowed to play and he'd vowed they wouldn't have them in their house either. But had somehow gotten brought over under the guise of Will having purchased them. Will spouting ridiculous bullshit about them being good for eye-hand coordination and dexterity. Like it was some sort of business expense and career training. Even Jay's history with the violent videogames as a kid, though. And given the small glimpses she'd been given of what his life had looked like when he'd first come back state-side and tried to rebuild his life and find his feet again – given what he'd said about Mouse and those fucking games – she really wished he wouldn't have brought them home. She didn't like having the game system there much as it was. She really hated when he started in on those games. Though, he mostly seemed to sneak them in while she wasn't around. But she could still think of better things for him to be doing with his time. And on nights like this – she really didn't think turning the console on and playing shoot 'em up like he was either some angry teenager or back in Afghanistan seemed like the best choice.

But she just reached and stroked at his cheek. His stubble was at that perfect length. Where is wasn't rough and scratchy anymore. Where it was just long enough that it felt so soft and velvety. More like duckling down. But she knew he likely working at growing it longer – fuller – than that. To the point he was the bearded man. Which wasn't her favorite look on him. At all.

But under her fingers she could feel the starts of the little red bumps he got. She'd seen them too. She'd made the mistake once of calling them pimples. He'd firmly corrected her that it was razor burn. And she'd made the mistake again that night of saying that he should maybe ask his brother about them. That'd gotten some harsh backlash about opening up the door for Will to bring up his pizza-faced teen years when he already didn't want to think about Will and his teen years that night.

Erin had likely seen less photos of Jay as a little boy and as a teenager than he'd seen of her. There were pictures on display at Hank's. Ethan had bought into the egging from Jay to pull out Camille's memory box and some of the family photo albums and put her on display more. And then there was that fucking album that she didn't even want to think about that Jimmy had handed her. That fucking Bunny had handed him. But beyond a single faded photo of Jay, Will and his grandfather up at the cabin and an equally aged photo that Will had pulled out when they were helping with his move into Nina's condo, she'd seen nothing. And those photos – it was a little boy, not a teenager. A very Chicago, Canaryville, late-1980s little boy photo. A cute, dimpled little red-headed boy who was clearly dressed and smudged up in a way that depicted he was dirt poor. But cared for.

And, really, even if she ever did get to see more than that. If maybe they reached a point that they didn't have to pretend his childhood hadn't happened. Or try to erase it and forget about it – or rewrite it's reality, in a different way that his father or Will, but still in a rehashing of the pass that was being conducted by exclusion. That maybe after they did start a family, he decided there was some value to having some photos and mementos of him – and his childhood and his past – around. That their children – their family – deserved to know his story, and him, even if parts were ugly. And she knew that those photos and the mementos existed. Because when they'd packed and moved Jay's apartment there'd been a box that was clearly of his mother's things. Items packed up and saved from his childhood home. And she knew that in it there'd be items hand-picked by his mother from his childhood. And that there'd be bits-and-pieces that Jay had saved too. Items he'd clung onto – that he couldn't let go. The scattered happy memories that had gotten him through.

She'd seen the box. But she knew what boxes like that were like. Hank had enough of them. You didn't go into them without permission. And, as much as part of her wanted to sit down and go through it and see all its treasures – she didn't want to betray that trust. She wanted to be invited to see its contents. And she wanted the exploration of them to be done sitting next to Jay. She wanted to share his laughs and happiness and sadness and tears about the memories contained in there. And until he was ready to share that with her – or any of the other boxes that she suspected might be in Will's or his father's possession – she'd just respect the place Jay had found for his box in the back of one of their closets.

And she'd just have to take him at face value that in his teens he'd had a pizza-face. Not that she believed that – really. Because he had too much of a baby face to have had a real problem with acme that went beyond regular teen-aged outbreaks. His scars from his teens and childhood weren't on his face.

So she let him call it razor burn. Even though she'd been with him long enough now to know too that even if that was part of it – that the red bumps he got rose more when he was under distress than anything else. And he'd had that kind of week. And now he'd let that beard grow until they calmed and cleared up – until he calmed too. Or else he'd just tear them all up when he did shave – and have actual razor burn. And then he'd be putting on further display to the world just how much the case had affected him. What it'd done to him. Not that anyone in the bullpen had likely looked at him long enough and hard enough to realize that his outbreaks came with his level of stress. But Jay wasn't one to want to garner any extra attention – for any reason – ever.

"Babe, you've got to let yourself sleep," she told him gently, as he met her eyes.

He made a noise and rotated his head to gaze back at the ceiling. "I can't sleep," he said flatly.

She stroked his cheek a bit more. "Try," she encouraged. "Close your eyes."

He gave her a glance and gave her a mischievous grin that felt a little forced. "Maybe I'm not ready to sleep, because I'm not done yet," he told her.

She cocked her eyebrow at him. "I'm pretty sure you're done," she said.

"I'm pretty sure I'm not," he tried.

In a way she'd been surprised he wanted sex that night. But not too. She could tell he needed the closeness. She had felt that radiating off him even before they left District. But with Jay it could be a bit of a crap shoot on if he wanted that closeness and comfort to come in the form of sex when he was dealing with one of his triggers. Sometimes he did. Sometimes he didn't.

But all the time it was a little confusing. For both of them. Because sometimes he really just wanted the comfort and the closeness. That he needed for them to make love. That he needed it slow. That he needed to feel trusted and cared for and wanted – in a gentle way. Then other times he'd get into one of his "proving himself" modes, which was the best he'd managed to label it for her. Those days – he wanted to fuck. And it turned into this whole other turmoil in him because he'd feel like he was just using her or her body to prove something to himself. Or he'd be afraid that he'd be too rough or he'd touch her in a way she didn't like – that he'd toe too close to some of her boundaries or do something she disliked. And even though they'd had conversations that had confirmed that she did enjoy getting just flat-out fucked sometimes, it was hard for both of them when he was in that kind of mindset. Because, as much as she knew that he didn't just see her as some sort of vessel to meet his needs – knowing he felt that way on those nights, just changed the whole dynamic of it. It shifted her comfort level, even though she did trust him.

And then there were those other times. The ones where it was somewhere in the middle of what he wanted and needed out of the sex. And sometimes those were even harder. Because you could really see the trauma dancing in him. His boundaries and rules became that much firmer. He could be that much more closed off. And it sometimes felt like they shouldn't be doing anything at all – because she felt like anything she did was likely to trigger him further.

If she hadn't appreciated sex as complicated before Jay – she did now. That it wasn't just about being horny and getting off. That it wasn't just about love. Or meeting needs. It wasn't just this delicate dance of obligation. She was learning that there were multiple layers to the when and why people wanted sex. When and why they needed. And what they wanted and needed in that particularly moment. And that it changed from day-to-day and sometimes minute-to-minute, and sometimes right while they were in the act. And that being in a long-term relationship with someone you loved and trusted didn't necessarily make it easier. She actually thought in a lot of ways – for them – it made things a hell of a lot more complicated.

But she loved him anyways.

But that didn't mean she didn't give him a firmer look right then. "You're exhausted."

His hand came up a stroked her arm. "I think I can find some more in the reserves."

She could tell he was about to try to push her back. To take the upper hand. To create a distraction and change the subject. By literally taking control of the situation. And she was having none of it. She stabilized her hip into the mattress, pressed her hand back against his shoulder and tangled her leg with his, making it more difficult for him to try his maneuver.

"You really aren't that great in bed when you're exhausted," she nodded at him.

He cocked an eyebrow at her like he wasn't buying that. But he should. They'd made love. She held him and comfort him. And that was what he needed. It wasn't about the orgasm that night. It wasn't anywhere near being about pleasure. It was just him getting some connection in trying to ground himself. Trying to calm and him needing her touch - and physical reassurances - in that. So there'd been sex. And it'd been nice. He'd calmed a little. She could feel some of that in his body. but it certainly hadn't been "great" sex. it hadn't even really been one of their better "making love" rounds - at least not for her. And when it came down to it, he'd been physically exhausted enough - outside of how mentally and emotionally drained he'd let a lot of his weight rest on top of her, which was really only so comfortable - or enjoyable - outside of some very select positions. And even if they had navigated and angled themselves into those - which they hadn't - he'd been lazy with his rhthym and thrusting. He'd don't little more than grind against her. But that had just farther proved that he wasn't looking for the sex - he just wanted the connection. So they went slow and she'd held him and touched him and kissed him. And, as nice as that was in its own way, it did little to interest her in engaging in another round that night. Especially when he was just trying to use it as an avoidance and distraction tactic.

"But, if you sleep, I might be interested in morning sex. Possibly followed by shower sex," she told him - firmly. His favorites. And very possibly hers too.

He made a quiet amused sound at that but did let himself settle. She knew his move was just for show and distraction. She could feel the fatigue radiating off him. And if his mind wasn't churning the way it was, he'd sleep.

"I don't have to be at roll call any way," he mumbled. "Probably won't even get approved for shift."

She gripped at his shoulder and rubbed her cheek against his chest. "It's just protocol, Jay," she said.

"I didn't even fire a weapon," he grumbled.

"You were undercover for a few days. The union got involved with Tonya running off her mouth. You threw a chair …"

"A hell of a lot worse happens in the cage," he provided.

She sighed. "And that's not on video. So just … go do the debrief with the shrink."

"And she'll make me take the shift off," he muttered. "And then there will be the waiting game with the fucking paperwork."

"And if that happens ... just try to see it as a long-weekend."

"Would you?" he said with mild annoyance.

"Jay, worse case - it's paid Personal. You deserve that."

"I deserve to be sidelined?" he said with full-on tone, casting her a look. But she met his eyes firmly - warning him about barking at her. She wasn't going to be the target of his frustrations. His annoyance and anxiety.

He sighed. "I just want to do my job," he said. "To get back to my job."

"And you will," she said. "In a day or so."

He made a noise of disagreement.

"You want me to make a honey-do list for you?" she teased. "So you know what to do with yourself?"

She got another look at that. "I think I'll be OK." Clear tone.

She met his eyes. "Don't sit around on the Xbox, Jay," she said. It wasn't with tone. Or judgment. It was a request. A plea. In that moment. In his state of mind. And she really hoped he heard it that way. And he listened.

But right then, he just gave her a grunt. One that made her think they'd really been spending too much time around Hank and Ethan. And he went back to his examination of their bedroom ceiling. Lost in thoughts that she wished he wasn't thinking. Or if he had to think them - pour over and over them in his mind - she wished he'd share some of them with her.

"You want to talk about it?" she offered. Again.

She'd tried to open the door to having some sort of discussion about it multiple times that night. Both before Hank had finally come and gotten Eth – and after he was gone. But so far Jay hadn't said much. He was quiet. Like always. And he'd indicated a clear preference for physical comfort that night rather that having any sort of heart-to-heart that involved exposing his wounds more fully than they were already exposed.

He just lay there. So long and so quiet that she thought was again going to be his answer. And the only answer she got.

But then he finally said, "I grabbed her wrist so hard."

"Ellie?" Erin asked.

"Yea …," he managed. "She must have bruising."

"Because she touched you ..." Erin said. It was a question. But it wasn't. It was pretty much a given. And Jay didn't need to answer. He didn't want to either.

"How could she trust me after that?" he asked instead.

"Because she wanted out, Jay," Erin said. "Because even if you hurt her wrist in that moment – you didn't hurt her the way other men there had been hurting her. The way Tonya had. And that says a lot."

"She just thought I was afraid of getting caught," he muttered.

"Maybe at the start," Erin allowed. "But, I think you stopping her – it earned you some respect and trust too. It's what helped close the case."

"I should apologize," he mumbled.

Erin reached and tilted his eyes to hers again. "You already did," she said. "And you didn't need to – not for any of it – in the first place."

He sighed and moved his eyes away, going back to staring at the ceiling.

"Was that the biggest trigger for you?" Erin asked after letting him churn in silence for a few minutes.

He shrugged under her but she felt him gesture at his crotch under the blankets they had sprawled over them. "I just hate when …"

"I know," she acknowledged.

"I should've been prepared for that," he muttered. "I should've known that would be happening in a place like Brady. And I should've seen her making that move sooner. I should've stopped it before she got that close."

"You stopped it," Erin said. "All of it. That's all that matters."

His hand snaked out from under the covered. Its heel pressed against his forehead and then into his one eye. "I hate these cases," he muttered again. "I just … fucking hate these kinds of cases."

"I know," she allowed and gripped at his shoulder. His arm fell back down and wrapped around her, holding onto her shoulder too. She could feel that his heart rate had picked up even thinking about it. "Shh …," she soothed with pursed lips against his chest.

"The way Voight and Al were looking at me," he said flatly.

"They've both been undercover," she said. "They've both worked with kids. They know what's it like."

"They were judging," he said with tone.

"No one was judging you," she pressed into his chest firmly and looked up at him with even firmer eyes. But he was still staring at the ceiling. His free hand clutching at the sheets in tight fists.

"Voight kicked me out of the room," Jay said. "Now the shrink. My FoP rep. It's bullshit."

"He's trying to protect you," she said, lifting her head and raising up on her elbow to really catch his eyes that time – whether he wanted to or not. "He knows what it's like to get jammed up by false accusations. And, Jay, he knows what kind of man you are on the job and off it. It wasn't about anything else."

Jay sighed and ran the heel of his hand across the forehead again. "Does he know?" he asked. "About the … other stuff?"

She shrugged and shook her head. "Not from me," she allowed. "But … Jay … there's been a couple cases … where you can see it in you. He's intuitive about that kind of thing."

"Has he said anything?" he asked.

"Not to me," Erin allowed. "But he wouldn't. If he said anything, it'd be to you and it'd be because of … it affecting a case somehow."

"I felt like … people knew this time. Today … in the bullpen."

She pulled his hand away from his forehead so she could really look into his eyes. "You get anxious when you're triggered. All anyone saw in the bullpen today was a guy who'd been undercover, who was having some accusations batted around about him, who really wanted to get the case closed."

"But not you," he said, his eyes dancing with that sad emptiness.

"I know you, Jay," she said and reached to stroke his cheek again.

"I don't want you to know that part of me," he said, his eyes drifting away as quickly as they could.

"I know," she acknowledged. "But I want to know all your parts. Anything to know where you came from."

Because where he came from – it was how they'd gotten to where they were now. And no matter what that path had been – she liked the current destination. And she was happy to make the rest of the journey together. Maybe that'd make it easier for both of them.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: A second chapter - the one immediately following this one, Driving Sacrifices - was also added today. Please make sure you get to read it. Your readership, reviews, feedback and comments are appreciated.**


	8. Bruising

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

Voight gave the bar a brief scan. Didn't have to look long to spot Halstead. The guy had claimed a seat over near one of the televisions and was pretty slumped at the table staring at the Hawks gave up above. Was solo at the moment but even the casual glance around the place confirmed that there were some women hanging around at the sports dive likely looking for the lonely, the desperate, or the plain ol' fuck-anyone variety. Thing was that even though Halstead had the looks to get that kind of attention, his body language seemed to manage to keep most people – not just women – giving him well enough space. Try to talk to the guy and he didn't want to talk to you, and it wasn't just the body language you got. But Voight could appreciate that skill set.

Wasn't sure he could appreciate the bar his presence had been requested at. A fucking hole. Imagined that's the way Halstead liked it, though. Even though most of his crew seemed to frequent Molly's, didn't get the sense that Erin or Jay had any particular affinity with it – beyond it being a familiar place to blow off system with people they knew after a day or case. But, if this was Halstead's definition of a decent place to put a few back, had to wonder about the guy. Or what this was about.

Voight definitely knew he didn't much appreciate getting asked to some sort of covert chit-chat with the guy. Was looking for trouble. Likely was about some kind of trouble. And on the nights he didn't have E under his wing, could think of a hell of a lot more pressing things to do with his time than stare at Halstead. But the guy didn't ask a lot of him. Not verbally. Gave him enough fucking attitude to make up for it, though. So, he'd come over. Even though he had his suspicions this was just going to be Halstead bitching and moaning about the psych paperwork having not landed on his desk yet. So he couldn't approve him back up for duty. A bit of bullshit. But some bullshit wasn't worth getting in a pissing match over. Other battles that would need fighting.

Guy didn't seem in too big of hurry to see him anyway. Sitting with his back to the door. So Hank went and got a drink of his own – even though Halstead should've been buying for this fucking powwow – and grabbed the proffered dish of over-salted and overly stale looking pretzels and headed over to the table.

Jay straightened a bit as he slid the dish of pretzels in front of him. Looked like he'd already gone through his own. Briefly looked eyes, as Voight settled onto his stool, giving the TV off at the opposite side of the bar a glance to check the score before giving the younger man a look.

"Paperwork's not back yet," he rasped at him and fished a pretzel out of the bowl and gave it a single crunch. That confirmed that it was a fucking twig – more than a pretzel should be – and reaffirmed that he didn't have much of an appetite. Put it down and shoved it and the rest of the bowl aside.

"So what? I'm off rooster for a third day?" Jay said with mild annoyance. Voight just shrugged. "For knocking around a fucking chair?"

Just smacked at him. Knew the kid understood more about what was going on than that. Halstead knew how volatile the city was these days. Knew what the relationship was like between cops and the public. Knew that any time anything came up between a person of color – didn't matter it was some mouthy little Latino girl who'd just killed another little white girl – a white cop, all the I's and T's were going to get dotted and crossed anymore. It was crackdown time and they were all under the microscope. Was making it pretty hard to do the job effectively when you couldn't so much as look at one of these perps or suspects the wrong way, without some complaint getting filed about you and the Ivory Tower deciding it warranted a full fucking investigation into things. Everyone was covering their asses. Thing was – the asses they should be actually protecting – were losing out in the process.

It was all just a whole lot of red tape and hot air – protecting the people who didn't deserve it. And jamming up the real jobs who could do the job the way it was meant to be done. But there was only so much they could do about it. Could go play cowboy. But that wasn't too bright with the kind of eyes they had on them these days either. Just get them jammed up even more and make doing the job even harder.

Case like this – better to just wait it out. Let the bureaucrats do their thing and wait for the paperwork to make its way back through the pipeline with the rest of the sludge. It'd get there when it got there. But, Voight would admit that in a fucking case like this – a really minor infraction of anything that could be pretty fucking easily dismissed when they looked at the situation – that it was taking so fucking long to get one of his guys back. Either was a hold up on whoever had to sign of on it – fucking Crowley – or it was that Halstead had gone off on the fucking shrink. Set himself up for some sort of anger management course or sensitivity retraining bullshit. Slow the show down even more. Piss the guy off more. But was going to hope he was smarter than that. Had found himself in enough of these situations and dealt with enough shrinks to know how to navigate the fucking psych review to get her fucking name on the little dotted line so he could get back in the bullpen.

So all Voight provided to his latest little tantrum was, "I'll call you as soon as I get the sign-off on you coming back to duty."

Jay made an even more annoyed sound at that and took a look swig out of his beer, his eyes drifting back up to the game and just glinting with his distaste. But Hank let some of his own distaste dance through his, as he took a sip from his Manhattan.

"You make me come all the way over here to tell you that," he graveled at him, as he brought his drink down.

Halstead made another sound and shifted his eyes to him.

"Where Erin and E at?" Hank put to him instead. Let some of his displeasure at the change in his evening plans – being pulled away from work when he didn't have to be sitting with his son doing homework that night – shine through.

Jay made a dismissive noise and looked back at the game. Something must've caught his eye, based on the sounds that erupted from some of the guys around them. But the look on Jay's face clearly showed he missed it, and his eyes drifted back to his.

"Went to get some new Hot Wheels for his science project. Arts and craft stuff for the display," Halstead allowed flatly.

Hank grunted. Appreciated that, actually. Wouldn't mind surprising the experiment that E had decided he was going to give a go, but wasn't much interested in having to collect the supplies or manage cutting out and gluing shit to a piece of cardboard for all to see. Not to say that Erin picking up the stuff with the kid wouldn't mean he still didn't get to be the one stuck doing that supervision job. Arts and crafts – he was not. Though, with the way E managed scissors anymore, he knew he'd likely end up helping cut whatever shit he needed cut out out. Otherwise the display would pretty much look like the dog had eaten his homework. Add the whole science fair back-board crap – and, really, even the experiments – to the list of bullets he'd dodged when his wife had been alive. Or he'd just been real lucky in having a wife who was as scientist and wanted her kids to project's to at least reflect some knowledge and effort. And, she thought she was good at the whole arts and craft thing too. Voight wasn't sure he'd agree on her talent level in that area – but he would give Camille that she tried hard.

And, these days, with just him and E, he was discovering more and more just how much weight Camille silently carried in their family in dealing with the kids' daily crap. Probably more than her share. Made him feel a little guilty some days. Selfish. Or blind. Or just plain stupid. Like it added to arguments out of his kids' mouths that he wasn't such a hot father and hadn't been present enough in their lives. He'd tried. But, the job …

"Appreciate that," Hank offered verbally to Halstead.

Because he knew that even with all the shit he was now managing himself as a single father – the eye-opener it'd really become with Eth back in the city and in middle school and charging toward high school and having activities and extra-circulars – he wasn't carrying the full load of it. Erin and Jay did a lot.

She'd done a lot before they lost Justin. But in aftermath of all that and Erin distancing himself from him and her and Jay taking on Ethan a couple nights a week all on their own – they were doing more. Fully acknowledged that he might be a single parent but that he still had some co-parents on the scene. They helped out a lot. And in some things, he knew too, that E preferred that it be Erin or Halstead that be helping him. They approached things differently. And some things they just knew more about. Generation Gap wasn't quite as much.

Jay just shrugged, though. Whole lot like Erin did. The 'it's not a big deal' line he got a lot. Which he also appreciated. Because with family, it shouldn't be a big deal. Should just be the way it is. What it is. But still knew it was more than more and more than some. It was a burden. Probably more than the guy knew he was buying into at the time – but he'd stuck it out.

"Erin wanted to go look for some sort of storage boxes anyways," he allowed and took another swig of his beer. "For the closet."

"Think she's figured out how to use a closet, does she?" Hank put flatly.

He'd always given Erin some shit about how fucking messy she was. Knew it wasn't her fault. Not in the disaster she was raised in. The shitholes that Bunny had bumped her around. Little more than fucking flop-houses sometimes. But had sure tried to teach her some cleanliness after they'd brought her home.

Her mess didn't exactly jive with his standards and expectations in the house. But it didn't seem to matter how many arguments they had about it. Fucking restrictions of privileges until she cleaned up her room and put her laundry away and picked up the trail of crap she left from the front room all the way upstairs. Fucking reduction in allowance. Not being allowed to go out until she picked up after herself. Extra chores to clean up after everyone. She just couldn't seem to learn. Or just really didn't give a shit.

Been a lot of fights about it the first year she'd been with them. They'd just have right at it. Especially her and Camille. The laundry issue. Clothes on the floor. Couldn't tell what was clean or what was dirty because she wouldn't use the fucking hamper. And an argument every week for her to actually go down and put her laundry through the machine. Getting her to actually hang up and iron her school uniform? All bets were off on that. After she fell out with the fucking rich snobs, she decided she just didn't care if she went into Ignatius a wrinkled mess. Even detention and suspension and joining the fucking Saturday Breakfast Club didn't seem to resolve that. And if you did her laundry yourself and left it to her to just fold and put away – hang it up in the fucking closet – it wouldn't happen.

For all the open door policy they had in the house, there'd been times where the Battle of the Wills just got fucking tiresome and it was easier to just close her bedroom door so they didn't have to look at it. Usually Camille that reached that point. Hank didn't mind coming home and having a stand-off with her. Though, sometimes it'd come with an order from Camille to "go and handle the situation with your girl". There was truth in that. Erin was quickly his girl. He managed her better than Camille. Always had. Though, her getting labeled as "your girl" didn't much help their developing relationship. It was hard enough given that Erin had a mother than she knew and didn't exactly trust mothers because of it. Harder still because it added to the tension of Erin not quite being sure that Camille liked her or wanted her there. And it never was exactly that. It's just complicated when you drag a kid home with baggage – and you've only given your wife so much opportunity to have a say in the matter. But even with all that, Erin was just as much Camille's girl as she was Hank's. By the end – she was just their daughter. The oldest child – their girl – in the family.

But even then his girl could stand-off. She'd toe the line just enough. Maybe more back then with all her teenaged guts and indignation. Combined with her fair share of angst, betrayal, mistrust and anxiety – all boiling over into one tough little cookie that had come into their home. Erin – his girl – was a handful to handle.

You really had to put the fear of the Lord in her – have her feeling like she might get booted to the curb – to make her stand-down much. And, him and Cami had a pretty basic understanding that with a kid like Erin, they couldn't constantly be hanging that over her head. Would've been a veil threat anyway. They took her in. They didn't have any plans to kick her out.

It hadn't been until Camille had wanted to drag home this antique dresser from her parents' place that they'd seen a bit of a turn around with the disaster that was Erin's room. Been a giant fucking pain in the ass to get that thing through the front door – let alone up the stairs. But they managed. And dropped it in Erin's room. The kid didn't seem too thrilled about inheriting it into her space at the time. But suddenly with having the drawers – she actually used them. Clothes started going in them. Some of her other crap started to get buried away – or hidden away, depending on where they were in their trust cycle and how often he needed to be tossing her room to make sure she was keeping up her end of the bargain in that.

And it'd been somewhere in that month or so of her bedroom actually starting to look like a bedroom again – and not a fucking compactor room – that he'd realized part of the problem was the closet. Or rather, Erin's relationships with closest. That closets hadn't been a place to store clothes for her. It'd been a fucking hiding spot – away from Bunny and away from some of the bullshit and people that her so-called mother had brought into her home and into her life.

Erin hadn't wanted to be having to go in and out of that space every day to get her clothes and things. It wasn't a place she wanted to hide herself – or her few belongings or the extra clothing and shit that him and Camille kept stocking her up on – because she'd come to them with a backpack and a garbage back stuffed with little more than rags. They'd had to wardrobe her. Had to buy her school supplies. Been the first time that Erin had much of anything. Or received much of anything on a semi-regular basis. Or had an allowance coming her way weekly – if she behaved and earned it – that provided an income that she could use for her own shit, not food for the family and rent and utilities. It'd been a whole new ball game in figuring out how to manage that. How do you not spoil a kid who has nothing. How do you not overwhelm them when even just providing the necessities and the occasional treats. CDs, books, movies. An alarm clock. A little stereo system. New sneakers for back to school. And new boots in the winter. Coats. Magazines and newspapers coming into the house weekly. Cable television. Regular internet access. Movie rentals. Working pens and functioning vehicles. Food on the table – daily. And a roof over her head.

She'd gone from just having that sanctuary of a closet – to lock herself into and try to escape everything Bunny was and what she'd created for them – to having a whole house as a safe place. A safe space. She had no intention of having to revisit a closet ever again – even if it was just to hang up her laundry and pull out her school uniform each morning.

Coming to that realization had made some things easier. Sure had made the fights fewer and farther between about the neatness of her bedroom. And with time and age, Erin had started to use the closet more. Started to show a bit more cleanliness. Didn't really start to settle into it – at more 'normal' levels, if there's such a thing – until she got her condo.

And, Voight would say she'd matured a bit more with keep things clean and neat since the move into the townhouse. But that might be partially Halstead's doing. Guy was a bit of a neat freak even by Voight's standards. The military in him showing in that. Spartan lifestyle. Not too many possessions or much clutter. Pick up and go. What you could fit in a duffle. But you could still sort of see areas of the house that were "Jay's" versus "Erin's". Or in the very least who was responsible for the cleaning and tidying of certain spaces.

One of Erin's spaces was definitely the walk-in closet up in the master bedroom. Had only been allowed up there once when he'd finally been allowed a grand tour of the place. Taken a while to take the point she was willing to show off her digs to him. But they'd got there. And, really only needed to see the master bedroom once anyway. More than enough. And more than enough to prove that Erin still didn't know how – or like – using a closet much. Was a fucking disaster zone in there.

She'd brushed it off as they were still unpacking. He didn't buy it. He'd raised her. He knew what she was like. And, beyond that, could see that Jay had his shit all set up – nice and neat – down in the one corner, while Erin's stuff was just draped over all the rest of the junk piled in there. Still like she'd never learned how to use a hanger.

"She better have it figured out," Jay grumbled and made a little gesture with his beer. "She had me putting together some closet organizer all day. Good use of my time …"

Voight shrugged at him. "Not the right guy to be complaining to about a honey-do list."

He knew how his daughter was. Knew how any relationship was. Knew how it worked when you had days off work. They sure as fuck weren't days off work. Not after you had a wife. But if Halstead wanted to vent about that – a lot of other young guys his age that he could vent at. Didn't need to listen to him vent about his daughter. He'd put in a hell of a lot more years dealing with her and her quirks than Halstead had. Yet. A hell of a lot more years in a relationship and marriage than the kid had experience with yet too.

Jay gave a little sigh and glanced back at the game. Whole encounter felt off. Guy was fidgety. Made Hank wonder if some other shoe was about to fall. If Halstead was going to admit that he'd gone on a rant at the shrink and had been told some recommendation was getting put in that would have him left on ass-duty or completely out of the bullpen for a bit.

"That all?" Hank put to him. Because his patience was thin. Could use the time for other things. Didn't mind doing some minor chit-chat with Halstead when he was at the house or they were playing Pass Around with Magoo. But didn't much feel the need to be sitting having a drink with him. If he wanted to do that, he'd issue the invitation himself. That was a better deal in his books. As far as he was concerned it was the way it should be. Don't need to play buddy-buddy with the son-in-law when the son-in-law is one of your guys at work.

"Ah …," Jay allowed and met his eyes more directly. "I actually wanted to talk to you about something."

Hank smacked at him. Already had a lot of opportunity to do that. That was obvious. But if he was putting it off this much, had to wonder what was going on. Halstead was usually more straight up than this. So he didn't think it'd be that he was looking to be transferred out. Didn't think it'd likely be that he wanted to talk about that money from Camille's insurance that Erin refused to take. Though, he'd be pretty fucking happy to have that conversation. Thing was it was a conversation that had to include Erin. Wouldn't have it any other way.

"It's about Ethan," Jay put to him flatly.

Hank shrugged. "What about him?" End of the twice-weekly evenings they took him? Supposed that'd be understandable.

Jay gave a little sigh and stared at him and then took a quick swig of his drink. "I'm about to betray his trust here," he mumbled.

Hank pressed his tongue into his cheek at that. The kid starting in with the drugs again. Hadn't tossed his room in a while. Knew the kid had expressed some interest in getting on the medical weed. Wasn't interested in that for his kid. At all. Wasn't going to happen.

Jay let out a little breath, flaring his nostrils. "He's had a lot of bruises lately," the guy said.

Hank grunted. Knew that. Was his father. Saw him in various states of undress trudging to-and-from the can nearly daily. Helped him out with his injections nearly daily. Had him at all his medical appointments.

Jay just started talking urgently with his hands, though. "And I know Eth is as clumsy as fuck with everything going on. And I know that the chemo trail leaves him bruising easier…"

"But?" Hank put to him directly.

Jay sighed again and broke eye contact for an instant but then came right back to him. "I had him at the pool after school today. Getting changed, he was fumbling around with his towel. He dropped it. He has bruising on his thighs. Like bad bruising on his thighs."

Hank smacked as he processed that. But Jay just kept looking at him.

"I said something to him about it. He said it's from the harness at rock climbing. And I know he bruises easily. But I've had on a lot of harnesses over the years and I've had some good jolts down and I've never come away with bruising like that," he put firmly.

Hank looked down into his drink. Put his finger against the one ice cube and brought it up to his mouth, settling back some of the liquid across his tongue and down his throat. He put the glass down and looked at Halstead. Guy clearly wanted him to say something but didn't know what to say. If anything, he was fighting to keep his ass on that stool and not go flying over to the rectory right then and pound on the door until Caruso opened it. Shouldn't do that, though. Because he might fucking punch Frank in the process. Can't go punching priests. Even if you grew up with the fucker.

"I'm trying not to get too worked up about it because I know his platelets are all fucked up on—"

"It's not the platelets," Hank rasped.

Jay allowed a little nod and gazed at his beer. "I said something to Will. Just about bruising, generally. He said we should take him in just to get some updated labs run, just in case."

Hank grunted. Made sense. He would get that scheduled. But would be surprised if something as extensive as what Jay was claiming to have seen was just from some wonky blood cells. And, if it was, that'd be a whole different mess he didn't exactly want to think about having to wade into with his son. Not that he wanted to deal with this fucking escalated bullying situation either. But maybe it was better to deal with it now. Maybe they could get it rectified before he had to toss his boy to the sharks in high school.

Jay twisted his beer on the table. "He asked me the other day what the choking game is," he nodded at him seriously. "It's when—"

"I know what it is," Hank rasped firmly.

Jay gave another little nod. "I gave off too much of a vibe when he asked. It upset me. I attended a scene … a kid … when I was on Patrol …," he shook his head and gazed at the wall for a moment. But then found his eyes again. "He wouldn't cop to who had told him about it or if he'd been asked to play … or been forced to play. But he's had some marks on his collar bone …"

"Seen them," Hank allowed. "Low for that."

Jay made a sound of acknowledgement. "But if he didn't know what it was – some kid has likely been talking about it. And if kids are talking about it, some of them are doing it. Or going to do it. And it's only a matter of time before …"

Hank nodded. "I'll take care of that," he provided. Looked like he'd be talking to Caruso about more than the bullying situation going on with his son. "Erin know what's going on? That you're here right now?"

Jay made a little noise and took a sip of his beer. "She wanted us to talk to him again about the choking game. See if we could get out of him if it's from some kid at school or if it's out of RIC."

Hank grunted at that. Be a fucking disaster if the kids at RIC were into that. But he'd fucking hope that those kids had dealt with enough disability, that they wouldn't risk life and limb for some stupid high.

"I didn't have a chance to tell her about the bruises on his thighs," he admitted. There was some hesitancy in his voice. "She … doesn't want me to blow Eth's situation at Ignatius out of proportion." He took another long swig, gazing at the TV until he brought it back down. "I didn't have the best experience at school when I was about Eth's age."

Hank just grunted again and rose from his stool. Jay eyed him. "Look, I'm not trying to go behind Erin's back or … imply you're missing something."

"I know," Hank said.

"I just want to get it all stopped in its tracks before something worse happens," he spat out.

Hank nodded. "Me too," he acknowledged and gave the guy's shoulder a grip. Halstead still never looked too comfortable when he did that. Any sort of touch – even so much as a shoulder squeeze, bicep grip, back pat or a handshake. "Glad you let me know."

Jay just gave him a nod but eyed his hand on his shoulder. So Voight dropped it a way and gestured at the door. "Can't take that long to do a Target run, can it?"

Jay allowed another little sound of acknowledgement and tipped up the last of his beer at the clear invitation to leave. Got up. They'd get the hell out of that hole. So they could go and look down another. Maybe work at a bit together pulling his boy out of it before he got stuck in the muck. Before it was too fucking late. And Magoo started looking at shoulder squeezes, bicep grips, back pats and handshakes the same way Halstead did. And that wasn't something Voight wanted for his boy. Eth was bruised and scarred up enough as it was.

 **AUTHOR NOTE:**

 **Tracking menstrual cycles can mean a lot of things and done for a lot of reasons. It was a chapter from Voight's POV. He doesn't know what it all meant. He's not Erin.**

 **And even if the implication was that Jay and Erin were trying to get pregnant — that doesn't mean they will be successful. Nor does it mean you should expect several chapters around them discussing if they are going to actively try nor them actively trying.**

 **Please keep in mind these are scenes. So It Goes doesn't have a planned or set plot. It's not specifically up to or toward something.**

 **And, yes, I will likely (eventually) write a couple chapters related to the Florida trip, mostly because I think Ethan would be hilariously cute in that situation.**

 **You readership, reviews, feedback and comments are appreciated.**


	9. Choked Up

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

Jay leaned against the doorframe of Eth's bedroom, staring in at kid crumpled on his bed off in the corner. He could tell the kid wasn't sleeping but even with the sound of him coming up the stairs and creaking through the hallway, Ethan didn't give him so much as a glance. But he'd pretty much expected that.

"Can I come in?" Jay put to him.

Eth just kept laying there. Let the silence hang but then finally muttered a muted, "No."

Jay gave a little nod at that. He'd expected that too but he still crossed his arms as he gazed at him.

"Your dad told me you had a bit of a rough afternoon," Jay said.

"It was just a nosebleed," the kid mumbled again.

Jay just stared. He knew it was more than that. Anything to do with Ethan's health was usually a bit more than that. And for the school to call Voight at work, when the nurse there was pretty briefed on the whole managing Ethan situation, knew it had to be something fairly significant. Wasn't aware of too many schools calling the parents about a nosebleed. And wasn't sure Voight was the kind of dad who'd go flying from work – let alone when they were on a scene – for a nosebleed.

Besides, he knew it wasn't "just" a nosebleed. Eth ignored the fact he'd been briefed. Just like he was trying to ignore the fact that he was standing there. Likely like he'd been doing his best to try to pretend that he hadn't heard him and Erin come in and being briefed by his dad downstairs too.

"Yea …," Jay allowed. "That sticky locker hit you in the face again?"

Ethan made a little noise at that and reached to tug his blanket a bit tighter around him. "Go away," he rasped from somewhere under it – the fabric hiding most of his face, though he hadn't pulled it right over top of his head.

"You cold?" Jay put to him.

"No," Ethan said with some annoyance.

Also didn't really believe that. Ethan was always cold. The kid was freezing and Voight's creaky old house didn't do a great job at retaining the heat. And from where Jay was standing he could see that Eth hadn't flipped on the little oil heater Hank had in the kid's room. So he stepped inside and did that himself, turning it up a couple settings in an effort to try to get the small space to warm up a little faster for the kid.

"I say you couldn't come in," Ethan grumbled, peaking at him from under the blanket.

Jay straightened and allowed him a nod. "Heard you," he acknowledged. "But told your dad and sister that I was going to come up here and check on you."

"I'm fine," Ethan muttered and shifted in the bed, rolling over to face the other way.

"You don't sound too fine," Jay put to him more directly.

"I am," the kid contended.

Jay shrugged but walked over to Eth's desk and grabbed the chair, spinning it around. "OK," he allowed. "But I think I'm going to sit up here with you and make sure you're fine until dinner."

"I'm not hungry," Ethan spit out.

"Heard that too," Jay allowed, putting his elbows on his knees and gazing at the kid. "Heard it's the excuse you're using to not come over to mine and Erin's place tonight too."

"I don't want to come over," Ethan spit harsher and did pull down the blanket enough to give him a real death glare. "And I don't want to come over, if I don't want to."

Jay shrugged. "That's fine too. But I was looking forward to getting some Battlefront and Forza in."

Ethan crawled under the blanket again. "Play on Live. I'm not coming over."

"OK," Jay said and sat up straighter, crossing his arms over his chest. "You change your mind, me and Erin are going to stay for dinner. So we can play a couple games here if you want. Or if you decide you want to come over and crash for the night …"

"I don't want to play with you," Ethan shoved out word by word. "And you should be happy I'm not coming over," he grumbled. "You can do whatever. Make Erin give you a blow job or something."

Jay shook his head and sat straighter. "One," he pressed in the kid's direction. "You not feeling well, and you being upset with me, doesn't mean you get to be obnoxious. Two. Don't use that kind of tone when you're talking about your sister or my fiancée. And three, Ethan, I don't make Erin do anything."

The kid scrunched farther under the covers at the firm voice and tone he'd had put back to him – trying to hide from it. "Get out of my room," he spat harder with his head fully hidden.

"Told you that I'm not doing that, Ethan," Jay said. "And, right now, you're either acting like you really don't feel well or you're just being super immature."

"I don't feel well," Eth spat again, this time pulling the blanket down off his head and giving him a harsher glare. On that was some kind of combination of the ones that Voight and Erin had. Clearly one that had been taught to him. Nurtured into him. "Because your stupid brother gave me some stupid medication for just a stupid nosebleed!"

Jay just held the kid's eyes – unweavering. "I'm pretty sure the _doctor_ ," he stressed, "gave you medication to help clot your blood and bring up your platelets – since the nosebleed wasn't stopping and since you have thrombocytopenia."

"Yea," Ethan muttered. "And that's your fault."

Jay made an amused noise and shook his head at him. "I'm also pretty sure the nosebleed is whatever – or whoever – hit you in the face's fault. And the low platelets, Ethan – that's the chemo."

"Yea," Ethan said, catching his eyes with even more anger. "And now they aren't going to be able to do the next treatment likely. Also your fault."

"No," Jay told him firmly, "that is just how chemo works. Your counts come back up, you'll get your next treatment."

"If you hadn't told on me then I wouldn't have to be on this gross medicine and they would've just given me my dose! ON TIME!"

"No," Jay told him firmly again. "They would've run a blood test before your treatment and seen your platelets were low, and you still would've been put on a hold."

"So then, there," Ethan hissed, flopping his arm over the blanket and drawing it away from his face more. "It's a good thing I got the nosebleed and the bruises because it showed them I had bad platelets. So you didn't need to go telling on me in the first place!"

And there it was. The real reason that Eth hadn't talked to him or Erin for the past few days. The real reason he'd bailed out of one of the nights they were supposed to have him over. The real reason he was opting out of the videogames and chicken wings that had been promised to him for that night. And entirely expected. But still as annoying as fuck.

"Ethan," Jay put to him flatly, "I wasn't telling on you. I'm an adult. I'm in your life. I care about you. I saw something I was concerned about – and I let your dad know."

"It's nothing!" Ethan spit at him with that glare. "It's low platelets and the only thing you did was make them hold my next dose!"

Jay kept his eyes. "You have low platelets, yes," he agreed. "We all get that that causes bruising and you can get nosebleeds. But, Eth, no one is buying that you keep opening your locker door into your face. Or that what's all over your thighs is from rock climbing."

"It is," Ethan raised his voice even harder.

Jay shook his head. "No," he said firmly, "it's not. And if you'd tell one of us what is going on – or who's giving you a hard time – we could help you."

"No you can't!" he yelled and Jay let the room fall silent as Eth stared at him with watery eyes. "You're just going to make it worse."

Jay stared at him. But he watched as Eth struggled not to cry and he felt himself soften – soften more as Eth buried his face back into his pillow. He let himself raise up and walk the few feet over to Ethan's bed, putting his hand on the kid's shoulder. He could feel his struggle to hold himself together even more when he did that. So he let himself sink down into the ground, leaning against the bed frame while he continued to hold Eth's shoulder tight.

"Eth," he told him gently. "No one wants this to get worse for you. We're trying to figure out a way to make it better for you – because none of us want you to go through high school having to deal with this."

"I'm not allowed to fight," Ethan whispered. "I'm not allowed to get kicked out of school again. It is zero tolerance."

Jay squeezed his shoulder. "Your school is supposed to have a zero tolerance for bullying too," he said. "So me … your dad, Erin … that's what we want them to do. To make this stop for you. But you've got to give us – your principal – something to work with."

Ethan just shook his head and Jay reached to set his hand on the top of it. Voight had once again been told that this fucking M.S. trial they had the kid on wouldn't fuck up his hair – not at the dose they were giving him bimonthly now. But it again had. It wasn't falling out entirely but Eth had all these little patchy bald spots. Some sort of fucked up leopard print. And it just drew even more attention to this kid who didn't need anymore attention.

"Ethan," he told him flatly, "you know how I told you that I was a loner in high school and hated the teachers and was really angry a lot of the time and just … played videogames."

"And that's why I'm only allowed two hours of screentime a night and I'm not allowed all sorts of games," Ethan muttered.

"Maybe a little," Jay acknowledged. "But I think your dad had a lot of those rules before."

"And it's stupid. Because Justin and Erin didn't lots of friends either and they hated school too and they were angry and all of you turned out totally fine."

Jay spread his fingers on the top of Eth's buried head. "That's kind of debatable," he allowed. Or completely. He wasn't sure any of them turned out fine. They just all made it through the best they could. But it'd all sent them down their own self-destructive paths too. "But I think my experience was a little different than your brother's or sister's."

"Because you just went to regular Catholic school, not Jesuit school. I know," Ethan grumbled.

Jay allowed a slightly amused sound at that but let his hand drop away from the kid. He just sat there staring at him while Eth did his best to try to ignore him. Though, he didn't get the impression that he entirely wanted to be left alone either. The body language was hurt and scared and sick and sad.

"I was thinking more because I took a lot of shit from the other kids," Jay said. "And from some of the older kids. And, I was sort of a small kid. And I was there on scholarship too, at the start. And I had stuff going on at home and didn't want to rock the boat or get the attention of my dad or get my mom all upset. So I just kind of … buried in on myself, Eth. I didn't tell anyone what was going on. And it sure felt like no one noticed or cared – not at home and not as school. Not the teachers or my parents or my brother or even some of the other nicer kids. It felt like everyone just let it happen. And it really sucked. So I think about how hard that was and what that did to me – as a kid, and even how some of that has spilled over into how I am as an adult, Eth. And that's not something I want for you. So, yeah, I told your dad about the bruises."

Ethan gave him a small glance. He tried to hide it. But Jay saw it and gave him a sad smile. So he reached and scruffed at the back of his head again. If the kid did come over that weekend, him and Erin should take him to a barber. A real one. Who might be able to figure out somewhat to make what was happening look more natural. Because Voight's solution last year was to just shave it off the kid. That didn't help anything.

"But you told him about the choking game thing too," Ethan whispered at him.

"Yea," Jay acknowledged. "Because that left me pretty worried too. Especially when I'm seeing you with so many bruises and know that you hang out with older kids at Robotics and know you can be kind of sad and lonely, Eth."

"But it wasn't anything," Eth lamented. "And now Dad's all up my ass about it."

"Because he's worried too," Jay nodded at him. "Because he's a cop. And he's a father. And he's got a responsibility to make sure people are safe."

"But I thought it was just slang I didn't understand," Ethan whined. "I thought it was just like jerking off, you know?"

Jay's hand stopped moving on his head and he instead pressed his heel slightly into it, turning Eth's more towards his until he caught them and held them with an intensity. "You thought someone wanted to play a masturbation game?" Ethan gazed at him with trepidation. "Has anyone touched you like that before?" Jay demanded. "Or made you touch them?"

Ethan's face shifted to disgust. "No," he said with such an underlying gross out factor.

But Jay kept staring at him. His heart pounding in his chest. His chest tightening and his muscles tensing. And he forced himself to try to push all that down – to calm it – so he could more accurately weigh if the kid was lying to him or not.

"And you know if someone ever does – you can say no," Jay pressed at him. "And if anyone ever makes you do something you're uncomfortable with or that just feels wrong, you tell one of us. Right away."

Ethan squinted at him. "Yea …," he said nervously, still eyeing him and clearly giving his own assessment of Jay's reaction.

But Jay forced himself to nod and let his arm come away from the kid. He needed it to wrap around himself again, as he leaned against the bed and tried to find some calm. To not project his own shit onto the kid. To not let the previous week's PTSD episode rear its head again when he'd just again managed to create the illusion for himself that he'd packed that box up and put it back up on the shelf to be forgotten about and dealt with. Compartmentalized for another time – far, far away.

"I just thought it was like … some of the Juniors and Seniors on Robotics are always saying that whenever the coaches make us do team building nights that it's all just a big circle jerk. I thought it was like that," Ethan told him quietly.

"It's not …," Jay said, still taking a couple slow breaths to get his head and body back where it needed to be.

"I know that now," Ethan said. "But now dad is all asking me about who said it and stuff."

Jay let out a little sigh and shifted to look at the kid again. "When I was on Patrol, Ethan," he put to him flatly, "I got sent as a responding officer to this scene where they'd found a kid's body … in his bedroom. It pretty much looked like it was a suicide—"

"Of a kid?" Ethan asked.

Jay gave him a little nod and reached to squeeze his elbow. "He was just fourteen."

"Was he gay or something?" Eth asked.

Jay shook his head. "No," he allowed. "I don't think so."

"He was bullied a lot?" he asked.

Jay gave his head another little shake. "No, Eth. He was actually pretty popular and had a lot of friends. He played football."

Ethan squinted at him and rolled onto his side a bit – finally making better eye contact. "Then why'd he kill himself?"

"He didn't," Jay said.

"So it was a murder?" Ethan asked and then said confidently – displaying too much of the fact he was growing up in a generational cop family. "Because they send in Patrol to secure the scene and then when the death looks suspicious, you call Homicide."

Jay shook his head again. "The death didn't look suspicious, Eth," he said. "But that boy had killed himself by accident playing the choking game."

Eth's eyes went wide for a moment but then went back to a squint. "But … it's just a game …"

"It's not a game," Jay told him firmly. "This boy – he'd heard about it, he'd started playing it when he was at a summer training camp with his football team. And they'd all played together. But then after camp, they went home and this kid – he decided he still wanted to play and he played alone. He didn't have anyone there to stop or to see it was going wrong or to call 9/11 – and he suffocated, Ethan."

"So … maybe … he just didn't know how to play right?" Ethan asked but there was this tremble of concerned bubbling up.

"There is no playing it right, Ethan," Jay pressed at him. "He killed himself by accident, playing a stupid game that's not a game to get a cheap high that's not so cheap when it's your fucking life on the line and that anyone 'playing' this thing is only feeling because they're brain cells are dying. And, as cops, we had a duty to follow-up on this, and you know what we found?"

"That he had brain damage?" Ethan squinted.

"That it wasn't just this kid playing this game," Jay nodded at him. "That a bunch of kids on the team were playing it. And some of their other friends and classmates were playing it now too. Sometimes together – at people's houses when they were hanging out, sometimes on tournament weekends and away games and sometimes some of them were doing it by themselves just like that kid who died. We had a who cluster of kids who were taking their lives into their hands on weekly – sometimes daily – basis. A bunch of them becoming potential murderers doing this to other kids."

"But none of the other kids died?" Ethan gaped more.

"Not those kids," Jay pressed at him. "But a bunch of schools had to get involved. That football league got involved. The team those boys were on – it got disbanded for several seasons. And – those kids – they got lucky. Because about a thousand kids die every year from playing this stupid 'game'."

"A thousand?" Eth said mutedly and looked away.

"A thousand," Jay pressed. "So you come asking me about the choking game – that to me, means that someone is talking to you about it. And if one kid is talking about it, it means that there's at least one kid somewhere doing it or thinking about doing it. And if there's one kid doing it, there's going to be a cluster of kids playing this thing and not getting the consequences of this 'game'."

"I don't think Evan knows he could die," Ethan said quietly and then his face changed and he gaped even more at Jay. "Don't tell Dad!" he demanded.

Jay's face had changed too but he nodded and reached to grip at Eth's shoulder. "We're going to tell your dad," he said. "And we're going to tell Evan's mom too."

"But he's going to hate me!" Ethan argued.

Jay shook his head. "He'll thank you," he said. "Some day."

 **AUTHOR NOTE: Your readership, comments, feedback and reviews are appreciated.**

 **I'm likely going do to a Florida chapter or two next, when I have time.**


	10. Future Plans

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

Hank glanced at Erin as she came into his office – and closed the door without permission to do so. He gave her a look and a bit of a smack at the intrusion. But sat straighter, taking his knee off the edge of his desk where it'd been leaning while he scrolled through the never-ending bullshit on his phone and tried to decide if it was safe to take leave that evening.

Erin ignored his reaction – and body language, though. Seemed like she usually did. And she just shoved a form on his desk and took a seat – again, uninvited.

He rocked back in his chair and eyed the paperwork. Because he wasn't expecting any from her that day. And as much of a keener that Erin could be when it came to investigating and shutting a case, that keenest usually ended when it came time to sit down and dot all the I's and cross all the T's for the Ivory Tower. So whatever it was, he imagined he wasn't too interested in looking at it. Not right now when he was trying to wrap up his own shit and shift locations – so he could sit and keep watch over his son's homework rather than the jokers in his bullpen. Pains in his ass, no matter where he was sitting these days.

"What's this?" he smacked at it.

"Furlough application," she said. "They're due into HR next week."

He grunted. "Planning a vacation?"

Her eyebrow got raised at him. "Ethan," she said with such a fucking patronizing tone. "Florida."

"Mmm …," he allowed and glanced at his phone.

"Jay's got one for you to sign off on too," she pressed.

"Mmm …," he allowed.

"Outside of Al, we've both got senority," she pressed harder.

He gave her a glance at that. "Don't need to file by deadline," he said. "Just give me a couple weeks heads up."

Because he hated getting – or letting – HR get involved in the management of his unit. Too fucking bureaucratic. Didn't have time for that bullshit. Extra, unnecessary paperwork. Just fucking red tape. Policies put in place by people who didn't know how to do the job. Besides, wasn't too often anyone under him actually filed for furlough. Most of them didn't end up taking it until HR did one of their little audits and realized that his guys had a bunch of unused days and then came down with some forced, mandatory furlough bullshit.

Erin glared at him, though. "We want it on the books," she said firmly. He smacked his displeasure at that. "If one of us isn't here come summer, don't want to get jerked around about not having put in the paperwork."

"One of you planning on going somewhere?" he put to her more directly.

Some ways that would be good news. Likely mean that the wedding bells would finally be ringing. But filling that spot would be another pain in his ass. Though, he was more than aware that some folks were sniffing around about Halstead. Not that he favored his girl leaving the unit either. But he'd been doing his best to get in front of Halstead's pending transfer.

Grooming him a bit. Making him a bit of his number two. Fill in some of the roles and responsibilities that had been left open when Antonio had spread his wings. Set him up so he'd be in a decent position to potentially take over Intelligence down the road. Or at least make him a bit more appealing to other units. Even get and lead one of his own. Eventually. Few years down the road.

So maybe Erin and Jay's little delay factor on that particular paperwork – their fucking marriage license – wouldn't work out too bad for anyone. Though, starting to think he'd likely have another grandchild before they bothered making their little union official.

See how that played out with the Ivory Tower. Pregnant unmarried officer when everyone and their fucking brother knew her and Halstead were together. Dependant paperwork. Time-off getting requested at the same time by the two of them. More fucking bureaucratic headaches.

But not that he wanted the two of them working in the same unit after there were kids on the scene anyway. Dynamic of a couple was bad enough to deal with. No matter how fucking professional you tried to keep things. But wasn't going to be responsible for two people who needed to get home to the same kid. Unfair to the kid to have both their parents walking into the same fucking danger day-in, day-out. Not responsible. Not organized. Not fucking smart.

His girl just cocked that smart-ass eyebrow at him again, though. "You were threatening to put him on the next transfer order out earlier in the week."

That got another smack. She was really pushing it that week. But they all were. If the case wasn't shitty enough, a week of bullshit like he was dealing with a fucking kindergarten classroom. Surprised they hadn't set Kenny off. But he was doing his best to toe the line. Didn't want to go flying on his face. Had too much at stake on the job and the homefront for that. And they were both on the understanding that his time with Intelligence could be real time limited if he played his cards wrong or had too many missteps.

Might be walking up on his expiration date now ways. Kid got that too. Ruzek showing back up. Took him long enough. Could appreciate taking the opportunity to do a U.C. assignment. Young guy. Potential to be good police. But still fucking young. Lacking in experience and judgment. Too impulsive sometimes. Ego and hothead. That sort of shit got you killed on the job in this city with the kind of cases they went after. So had to use his own judgment about the kind of assignments he put Adam on. Kid likely had felt he wasn't getting enough responsibility. Not getting enough U.C. opportunities of his own in Intelligence. And he might've respected that a bit more, even if him taking a short-notice hike had been a pain in the ass, if there hadn't been the whole Burgess factor. Real convenient timing that Adam decided to take his little walkabout as soon as Kim got her ticket upstairs. Said something about where the two of them were at personally and professionally. Said a whole lot more about Ruzek's level of respect of the team. His acknowledgement of living together and dying together as a team. Of fucking team effort to do the job. Having each other's backs. When you just dug in. Where the lines were in respect and honor. Of the city and the job.

So he was going to have to decide what he was going to do all about that. Kid seemed to think he could just come back and walk right back upstairs. Had another thing coming if he thought that was how this was all going to work out. Need to do some mea culpa to everyone. Earn back some respect and trust. Prove himself all over again. Show that he fucking still deserved a spot up in his bullpen when he had two new guys doing a decent job. None of this lazy ass delegation bullshit that Adam liked to do. Kim and Kenny had their socks pulled up right now. Both wanted their spots and wanted to keep their spots.

Was going to have to do some real hard thinking and looking at the budget to see if there was still a spot for Adam upstairs. And if there was, if it meant Burgess or Rixton had to take leave. And which one. Bit of a mess. But Ruzek seemed pretty fucking good at bringing messes into his bullpen.

"You making this hard because you don't want us take him?" Erin put flatly.

Hank shrugged. "You told him you'd take him," he said.

"But you still don't think we can handle it," she glared.

Put his tongue in his cheek and gave his head a shake. Thought it might be more than Ethan could realistically handle. But knew that Erin and Halstead could handle anything that came up. Trusted them with it. With his son. They'd take care of him. Managed him well. Just thought they needed to do some reality checks about the whole thing.

Eth had need travelled that far away before – let alone flown. Needed to look into getting his injection kit through security. Needed to make sure they had enough of his meds with him for the trip and where and how to get more if they ran out or lost any along the way. Needed to know where the hospitals were or what the plan was if the got sick on the trip. Needed to do research on the where and how they were going to feed him. Because Ethan and restaurants? Didn't work out too well unless they were just planning on getting him grilled chicken and salad for the entire holiday. So likely needed to rent a condo or time-share with a kitchen so they could cook most of the meals. Needed to be cognizant of just how fucking hot and humid Florida got in the summer. And needed to remember just how poorly Magoo did in that kind of weather and what it did for him flaring up. Needed to acknowledge that the kid likely wouldn't be able to spend a whole day in any of these theme parks and probably wouldn't do too well out in the sun all day on the beach either.

Needed to be prepared to stop him when he was overdoing it – and pushing it – because he would. And there'd be some arguments and likely tears from the kid because of that. Needed to research some of these fucking rides he wanted to go on too. Because Hank just wasn't too thrilled about any of these thrill rides or rollercoasters that might be batting his kids head, neck or legs around. Eth was rattled up enough and in enough pain most of the time, he didn't need that. And needed to really understand that E only went so far so fast on even his best of days. No matter what kind of vacation you were doing, they involved a whole lot of walking. And, that might not be great for Ethan. Then there was the fact he'd be missing a week or two of ball with this big trip. He'd be missing some cognitive and physical therapy. And, it might screw up summer school or him being rested enough for back-to-school depending on when Erin thought she wanted to drag him on this little adventure.

"Nope," he put to her, though. Because having that reality check – which would ultimately turn into an argument where she likely felt he was patronizing her and treating her like some sort of ditzy teenaged babysitter – wasn't going to be something he'd do at work. There'd been enough dinner theater going on in his fucking bullpen lately. Too many confrontations and short tempers flaring in too many people the past couple weeks. Didn't look like that was going to settle with Ruzek back on the scene either. More fucking drama.

"Then is it because you want to come," she said with some distaste.

"Can't come," he said.

She sighed a little at that and slouched in her uninvited seat. "It's fine," she said. "You can come. If you want to."

He shrugged at her. "Couldn't come even if I wanted to," he said. "Having two of you out of here at the same time is going to be enough of a pain in the ass. Will have to bring in some backfill for at least one of you."

He couldn't be leaving too. Supervisor and two of his crew off the frontline? That just wouldn't fly. HR would definitely have something to say about that.

Didn't even need to send it that far. Knew after all his years as a supervisor that you didn't book your holidays at the same time as much of your staff. Maybe one of them. But two? Too many headaches. And just opening shit up for the Ivory Tower to send in someone else to backfill you. And that just opened shit up for getting yourself pushed out. That wasn't ground he was willing to go treading on. Had fought hard to get Intelligence. Had fought harder to keep it. Was going to be under enough of a microscope for the rest of his career. Didn't need anyone coming in there and analyzing his guys and the way he did things. Getting into his space and in on his cases. Touching his shit. That was off limits.

Erin tilted her head at him a bit. "And you're upset?"

He shook his head with a pucker. "Theme parks aren't my thing," he provided flatly.

Definitely weren't. Could deal with going his whole life without seeing Mickey Mouse. Wouldn't have no regrets about that. Was already having to be exposed to more Disney than he wanted to. That fucking Cars movie had become the go to get-the-kid-to-shut-up tool with H. Kid was transfixed by the fucking things. Voight didn't see the appeal. Seemed like E did, though. The two boys could flake out in front of the TV in zombie mode for that damn movie. And he was fucking sure by the time Henry outgrew it, he'd have enduring more than enough Disneyfication for his lifetime. Only was likely going to have to endure something else from the House of Mouse before he dropped dead if he ended up with more grandkids. But it being on the fucking Squawk Box was different than going to fucking Disneyland. Or WORLD. As Magoo kept correcting him whenever this damn trip got brought up. And it got brought up a lot. Probably more by him and Erin than Eth. It'd become the go-to arm-twister in getting him to plow through his fucking homework more weeks than not.

But, at the same time, even though he had no fucking interest in Walt's theme parks – or any others, for that matter – there was some appeal in having the opportunity to see Magoo interact with some of it. Just see him happy and excited. Because he really didn't see enough of that. Thought it might be worth the trip and the admission fee. And enduring the commercialization and brain-washing of the Disney propaganda. But, had settled on that it just wasn't going to happen and there'd be lots of other opportunities to see Magoo excited and happy about other things. Hopefully. Worked at making his own time and own memories with the kid. That were more up his alley than Goofy and Darth Fuck-Head and Potted Potter. Sounded pretty fucking Dopey to him.

"We're going to do other things," Erin said defensively. Because they both knew that even though she was doing this for her brother, spending a week at Disney wasn't exactly her cup of tea either.

"I know," Hank allowed.

Because he really did. And it was those other things that he had some tinges of regret about not getting to be there for. Hadn't gotten Eth to see the ocean yet. Had gotten that for his other kids when they were growing up. And he would've liked to be a part of that for Magoo. See his face and his awe. Get a bit of a fancy to goof around with him in the surf. Watch him play in the waves. No matter how nice the beaches were along the shores of Lake Michigan, the ocean was a different experience. Real different. And he would've liked to be there for that.

Would've liked to take his son deep sea fishing. That might've been hard. Would've made him think of Camille too much. Would've missed her that day. But would've known she would've loved that her little boy was getting to do that. To have that experience. And Voight would've liked to be there next to him.

And knew that there'd been some talk about them taking E to the Daytona Speedway and the Kennedy Space Center. Still a little touristy but way more up his alley than fucking Disney World. And with his son growing into his own person with his own interests and skills as a teenager – a young man – he would've liked to be there to support him in that. To push at it a bit. To see him interact and grow and learn.

Thing was since E had come home he'd been acutely aware of how much he'd missed with his little boy. How he'd made that decision – or series of decisions – that let him miss out on that. And, now with J gone, it'd just become so much more stark that you couldn't get back lost time. That time you had with your kids – when they're young, when they are growing into their own person – you've got to treasure them and take full advantage of them. He hadn't with J. He'd taken it too much for granted. And with Eth – he was struggling to make up for lost time. And he never would.

Didn't like missing things now. But the reality was you couldn't be there for every single second of your kids' lives. Just wasn't possible. Wasn't realistic. And it was what it was.

Erin sighed at him. "So … what? Do you want us to hold off until there's a time we can all go?"

He shook his head. "Unless you're really planning on going somewhere, couldn't tell you when that would be. Told him you'd take him this summer. So go. Have some time with him."

She sighed at him again. "You sure?"

He nodded. "Sure. Lots of opportunity to do something else with him. Another week. Spring Break."

He shrugged. He didn't know. Knew that E had lots of ideas about things he thought he wanted to do. All the time. Dinosaur digs and spy museums and Spring Training trips and road trips across creation and fishing trips and camping trips. National Parks he wanted to hit. And other ball teams he wanted to see play. Lots of opportunity to do something with his boy. If he could find the time. But, he was trying hard these days to make the time. To not hear J's voice ringing in his ears about him always being about the work. That he was always working. Eth wouldn't be looking back on his teens and saying that about him. And when he did say he was all about the work, it'd be with respect and pride. Not resentment. So he'd make the time and he'd find some special times with his boy. Just not on this trip.

Still, she stared at him for a long beat. And he just stared back. Could tell she was measuring him. But he was a big boy. Could handle some disappointment. Life was full of all kinds of disappointments.

Besides, he knew on some level he'd just get in the way of their plans. And their relationship. And their good time. Be underfoot. The old fucking man. Fuddy-Duddy. Or just plain fucking Grumpy.

Erin deserved to have some time with her brother. E deserved to have some time with her. For them to develop their relationship and have memories and a bond independent of him. Already did. But sharing something like this – something that was actually positive – might help them. Maybe it'd help them all navigate through his teen years and high school too. Because it sure looked like it was likely going to be a bit of a rollercoaster ride. And not for the tame Disney variety.

She must've decided there was some sincerity in it. Because she fidgeted a bit. "We really just want to nail down the dates, so we can start looking more seriously at flights and hotels or whatever."

He grunted. "Good plan."

"Ahh …," she said and pulled out her phone, starting to thumb around on it. "So I'm going to assume that he's likely going to have to go to summer school again …"

"Safe bet," he allowed and reached for his phone too. Because he knew she was likely looking to scan down the fucking family calendar she'd setup and propose some dates she thought she wanted to do this thing. Or endure it.

"So, I guess maybe the last week or June or … the second week of Aug—"

She stopped in her tracks as she stared at her phone and gave him a small glance over the top of it.

He knew what she'd spotted. But he just grunted. Let her hang there for a moment and then watched as the phone in his hand did a little swirl and what he'd seen in there since that morning disappeared from the list.

Figured she'd likely accidentally ticked off some box on this stupid fucking calendar thing she'd set up on all their phones. Likely did it the night before. Probably when her and Jay were fiddling around with the thing trying to come up with dates for this trip in preparation for her coming in here for this chat.

But whatever they'd done – or she'd done – she'd managed to put what was pretty fucking clearly either her ovulation or menstruation calendar up for all to see. Well, all being him and Olive. He wasn't sure how often Olive looked at the damn calendar thing. But he'd noticed it land in there when he was looking through Eth's schedule for the next week in the morning. Wasn't the sort of thing that he could tell her she had up there. She would've been pissed at him. And likely upset and embarrassed. And he probably would've picked the wrong words to let her know it was visible and it would've just rubbed her the wrong way. He'd just sort of hoped that her or Halstead would've noticed all the little red banners across multiple days every month had showed up – preferably when he wasn't around. And they would've corrected it. And they could all just pretend he hadn't seen it. Or they could just fucking wonder if he had seen it. And he'd never say anything to indicate he had.

But he had. And it had him wondering a lot of different things. Knew it could be nothing. Could just be Erin keeping track of her own time of the month for whatever reasons it was that women felt the need to mark that shit on the calendar. Could be that they were keeping track of it to establish a no-touching zone each month to avoid any more surprises. But, his experience was when the fucking ovulation days started being marked in the calendar – it meant you were trying. And your co-operation and participation was expected. Which seemed like a decent proposition until you realized that the sex had become pretty much just procreation and now it was part of your whole job description. It was work.

He had twinges of happiness and sadness for them both about all that. If that's what was going on. Knew that it likely meant they were feeling like they were in a good spot in their relationship and their lives. Knew it likely meant that they felt like they'd moved on enough – were far enough way – from their miscarriage that they were ready to, and wanted to, try again. Try purposely that go-around. But also knew that when you started trying again, it stirred up a whole lot of things in you. Made you relive some of what you'd gone through as a couple. That it mixed with a whole lot of anxiety and stress – which definitely didn't help with the baby-making process. Turning sex into procreation and work just generally didn't help a relationship when you got down to it. Took some aspect away from it. And, if things didn't take quickly – if you were still trying four, six, twelve months down the road – that took its toll too. A very real one. And all that stress and anxiety and frustration, it definitely didn't help with keeping the pregnancy viable if, and when, one ever did take.

And that opened up the whole other thing … that any pregnancy after a miscarriage, you spent the first trimmest, if not the whole fucking pregnancy, worrying that it was going to end in another miscarriage. And if you had another – it just broke you again in a whole new way. Each one didn't make it easier. It just made it harder. And harder and harder. It weighed on you – and your relationship – more and more.

And he knew that there were other fucking layers going on beyond their relationship and miscarriage. There was the repair efforts going on in their family. There was the loss of Justin. There was Eth getting older. And Erin into her thirties and Jay pushing into his mid-thirties. There was that look Erin got in her eyes when she spent time around H. There was the whole unresolved sibling rivalry between her and J that just ended on her little brother ending up married and with a kid before her. And then add in a smattering of fucking Bunny fucking with her head and the whole Jimmy Sanguinetti bullshit.

Then there was the whole inconvenience of it. Them not being married yet. What a pregnancy would do to their unit. But that was secondary. That was boss talk. Boss thoughts. He'd rather think about this as a father. And a grandfather. And had decided to not read too much into those dates on the calendar – and what they meant or didn't mean. And if they did mean what they might mean, he'd rather think about the possibility of another grandchild. A playmate for Henry. A piece of his girl he got to watch grow up from Day One. And a little person that he'd get to know – which would be something Camille would love. Something that would make her real happy. And, when you got down to it, that's what he wanted for all his kids. Whatever made them happy. They deserved that.

So, he took the lead and pretended he hadn't seen or hadn't noticed her stop in midstream. Knew she wouldn't exactly buy it. But it wasn't something they needed to talk about. Wasn't something that was any of his business. Wasn't something he needed to know about. Not yet. And, he'd be respectful of that.

"August might be better," he said. "Give him some time to bounce back before back-to-school."

"Yea …," Erin said, still eyeing him. Still measuring him. But then she went back to looking to her calendar. "August …"

And they'd leave it at that. Sign off on that. Because giving her that space – was part of how they were coming to a new understanding in being able to have a relationship now. For them to keep being a family. And, if there was another grandchild pending, he'd fight like hell to make sure he was part of that kid's life and part of their family. And if that meant making compromises and concessions – having some moments where he played stupid or blind like he was some sort of jag-off – he'd do it. For her.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: Two chapters got added the other day. The Journey and Driving Sacrifices. The reader count is really low on both, so you might want to check that you saw them both.**

 **Your readership, comments, feedback and reviews are appreciated.**


	11. Wants and Needs

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

"I want to go here," Eth declared, garnering Erin's attention. She technically had the Florida guidebook open and was technically kind of looking at it passively. But really, she was gazing at her phone – it hidden between the pages – and texting with Jay while she pretended she was into the Florida planning as Ethan was that night.

"Go where?" she asked – gazing down her legs at him.

He was partially flopped against them in a way that really couldn't be comfortable. The weight of him was barely comfortable for her. But he had to be even more uncomfortable seeing as his own legs were draped up over the back of the couch, his back against her shins and his neck strained at a weird angle to keep it from dangling off the cushions' edge as he gazed at the iPad he'd had propped against his chest for the past thirty minutes. He'd seemed absorbed.

He'd discovered the list of Star Wars attractions and upcoming events at one of the Disney parks and had become lost in supposedly trying to read that – which likely would've been a challenge for Ethan even if he was upright. Reading it at his upside down angle was likely pretty much impossible but it'd sounded like he'd been watching a lot of YouTube videos – which all sounded the same to her. And tacky. And were pretty much killing her interest in having to endure Star Wars on her vacation before she even had to endure Star Wars on her vacation.

He dangled the iPad at her and then fumbled it in his trembling hands, near dropping it into his face. So she crunched and grabbed it – before it made impact, bruising him again or crushing his glasses. She raised her eyebrow at him. He could be such a klutz. But he only shrugged, slightly apologetically.

She looked at the screen, letting her phone and the travel guide rest against her own chest for a moment. She peeked over top of the iPad and found her little brother's eyes again.

"Ethan, seriously?" she put to him with mild annoyance.

"It looks awesome," he argued at her.

She cocked her eyebrow. "It looks like the Rainforest Café," she put back to him.

"It's T-Rex Café," he said defensively of the restaurant website and menu he'd handed over for her examination.

"Do you remember how much shit you gave Olive about wanting to take Henry to the Rainforest Café last year?" she nodded at him.

He spun his feet around and glared at her, snatching the iPad back. "Because the Rainforest Café is complete lame. This is awesome."

"Ethan," she put to him flatly. "It's the same thing."

"It's dinosaurs," he muttered at her, going back to looking at the screen. "That's fundamentally like a billion times better."

She sighed giving her head shake. She had no doubt in her mind that aspects of this supposed vacation were going to be absolute torture. Actually, the more they looked into it and tried to plan – and the more Ethan decided he really wanted to get involved with the planning – the more torturous it seemed.

When she'd first come up with this idea, she'd sort of envisioned that they'd spend a day or two at the theme parks in Orlando. That they'd do Harry Potter one day and she'd just accepted that after Ethan realized there was some kind of Star Wars land at one of the parks that she was likely going to have to endure that. But she'd thought she'd likely get the rest of the week in a timeshare at the beach. It'd intermingled with memories that she had of going to Myrtle Beach with the Voights. And even though she knew Ethan would be with them and he'd likely be hyped up and she might have to endure some sort of fishing charter one day – she'd mostly seen it as getting a week of sand, sun and water. That she'd get some quiet. She'd get to read. That maybe they'd get in a few decent meals and some over-priced alcoholic beverages. Some time with Jay – some walks and drinks and sunsets on the beach. That she'd sleep in. And maybe do some sort of water-sport type activity with Ethan a day or two. That it'd be completely survivable. Way more vacation like than anything she'd done with her furlough … ever. And definitely better than spending a week up at Jay's cabin.

But, it was becoming readily apparent that was not the kind of holiday they were going to have. And that planning anything was pretty much impossible. And that it wasn't going to be anywhere near a budget holiday.

Jay had actually still been trying to find a way to make it a budget holiday – because he could be cheap like that. But the timeshares in Orlando he was finding were like thirty or forty minutes away from the theme parks and they looked like shit. They did not look like her idea of a holiday at all. The budget hotels clocking it at like $40 a night that he was pulling up various websites looked even more disgusting – and she knew disgusting. She wasn't willing to pay – on holiday – to live in disgusting, no matter how little Jay argued they'd be in the rooms.

That was the thing – she thought they might be in the room or at the condo or timeshare more than he expected. And that was the other crapshoot with all of this that was making it hard. It was impossible to predict how Ethan would be feeling on a particular day or particular week. It was entirely possible that the heat and the humidity and the travel would cause him to flare. There wasn't any real way to know.

And then there were so many other unknowns – that they had to balance with their knowns about him and his energy levels and his health. But they knew that he wouldn't likely be able to manage a whole day at the theme parks – so the original plan of just being in them for a day or two was hard to gauge. Because they really had no concept of how much they could get done before Ethan burned out and needed a break. They didn't know what the crowds and the lines and the wait times and the temperatures would be like or how Ethan would handle any of that after he actually got in. They weren't even sure if he'd actually like the theme parks after they got to them. Or if he'd decide they were too kiddie or too tacky or he was too scared of trying any of the rides with however he was feeling on a particular day. So maybe they really would only need one day at the parks.

But they'd be starting to feel like they should plan for the possibility that they'd need – or he'd want – more. But then they were giving up some of what her and Jay had wanted to do or how they had envisioned their vacation. And Ethan wasn't quite grasping that he couldn't list of wanting to do Harry Potter and Star Wars and see alligators and go to the Space Center and Daytona Speedway and go fishing and look for shark teeth fossils and visit a pirate town and swim with the manatees … and now go to the T-Rex Café and get to realistically do it all.

Her and Jay had been coming to the slow realization that there really wasn't much point in planning. That a lot of it was going to be a see how it goes type thing and then just react to the situation and how Eth was feeling and how he was doing on a particular day. But to do that, they were also starting to accept that they were likely going to have to base themselves in Orlando for the entirety of their visit. And then maybe they might get to drive out to the coast and the beach a day or two on the trip. But even that was also likely going to be pushing it because even though her and Jay didn't have an qualms about making that drive – to either side of the state – it did mean they'd have the extra expense of renting a car. And it also meant that on the day – or days – they tried to do that, they'd be risking Ethan being exhausted before they even got to whatever activity they were attempting. And that if he needed to stop and rest wherever they were – they were either going to have to let him cool down at some restaurant, putting him back in the car and head back to the city, or rent a motel room wherever they were even for a few hours so he could get some air conditioning and sleep.

They'd already upped their trip expenses by coming to the realization that having Ethan in the car for an 18-hour cross-country trek wasn't going to work, if they wanted him functional – and enjoyable, or at least tolerable – for the vacation. So they'd just accepted – again – they were going to have to fly. Because hopefully Eth would manage a two and half hour flight better than the drive. But, again, who fucking knew since he'd never been in an airplane before and what that altitude and air pressure and recycled air and cramped spaces might do to him.

Now they were looking at increasing the cost of their trip even more by exploring using an on-site hotel at either Disney or Universal – because they hoped that would mean they'd be able to build in real, substantial breaks for Ethan. That they'd be able to get him back to the room quickly and easily if he wasn't coping. That there'd be a decent pool. But then beyond the fucking cost, there was the whole what to feed him thing. So then they were swinging back to looking at condos and house rentals and time-shares that had a kitchen so they could just deal with meals that way. Not that that sounded like much of a vacation either. But it wasn't like they were going to have a lot of leeway to afford to eat at places like the T-Rex Café maybe more than once or twice on the trip with how the budget was stacking up.

Jay had looked into some military discounts he could get. She'd looked into law enforcement and first responder discounts they could get. They'd even looked into some Triple-A deals. Reality was that Jay and his time in the Rangers meant he could get them some pretty reasonable rates. But he seemed super reluctant to take advantage of those promotions. It was an entitlement thing. Like he didn't think he felt he was entitled to them. And he didn't want to look or act like he was. And she heard him. And she was used to Hank not ever taking the cop discount at various attractions around the city. And, she could almost appreciate that. They could afford to support the museums around their city by paying full admission the couple times a year they ended up at any of them. But basically affording a once-in-a-life-time holiday to Orlando was kind of different. And she wasn't sure she felt bad about taking an offered up discount from a billion-dollar corporation. One that she did feel Jay deserved.

So she didn't know what they were going to decide or how they were going to work it or what their holiday was going to look like. But she did know she'd definitely been naive when she presented the idea to Ethan. And that the holiday she'd imagined at the time was definitely not the one they would be taking come the summer.

"Is that at the Star Wars park?" she asked passively as Eth kept looking around the site. Because she didn't want him to catch on to how much she kind of regretted they'd decided to do this trip – because he was actually starting to get pretty excited. And he needed that. He deserved that too.

"No," Ethan mumbled, getting back into his absorption mode. "It's at Disney Springs."

"I thought you wanted to go to the Star Wars park?" Erin put to him.

He gave her a glance. "It's not a park. It's like … a food court or mall or something. It's free. It has a Lego Store. And a Star Wars store."

"Oh boy …," she said, making sure he registered her sarcastic enthusiasm.

He sighed at her and tucked his feet under himself a little as he gazed at her – enough that she let the book and phone fall back down to her chest.

"Are we really only going to go to one park?" he asked.

"Ethan, the theme park tickets are really expensive," she said. She'd leave out that if Jay did decide he was willing to use his military discount they'd likely be able to get four-day park tickets at both Universal and Disney for the price of two days. But, even if that way true – it was still ridiculously expensive when buying for three people. And it was likely a hell of a lot more theme park than she wanted. But maybe it would be the only realistic number of days to get at the rate and pace they were likely going to have to go with Ethan – assuming he even liked the parks after they got there. It was so fucking hard to know. As Hank kept reminding them all. Over and fucking over.

"I could pay for one of the parks," he suggested.

"I thought you were saving up for a bike," she said.

He gave her a little shrug. "Maybe a bike isn't such a good idea when I'm going to be in high school …"

She pushed himself up a bit on the couch, leaning against the arm and lining her toes up with his. "With how close we are to Iggy's and then getting to District and to some of the parks … I think it's a good idea."

He gave a little sigh. "Evan says people will definitely make fun of me if I'm riding a bike to high school – especially when it's a private school He says I should keep saving up so I can buy a car or pay for gas and insurance and stuff when I'm sixteen so Dad lets me borrow the keys."

Erin gave a little snort of amusement at that. "You're not going to have enough money saved to buy a car for a very long time, Eth. And don't count on your dad lending you the car until you're a Senior. If you're lucky."

Eth bit on his lip at that. "Maybe you and Jay would lend me one of your cars?"

"I don't think so," she said flatly.

"Maybe me and Dad will have finished fixing up the bike," he suggested.

She raised her eyebrow at him. "Maybe – but you're dreaming in Technicolor if you think your dad will let you ride it. And remember what happened when Justin took it out without asking …"

E sighed. "So maybe I should just use my allowance money to pay for us to go to an extra park," he suggested.

She let out a slow breath, pulling her knees a bit closer to her chest and looking at him. "Eth, we're going to do the Harry Potter world stuff over at Universal. Those tickets will let us get into both of the parks. So you'll see two there—"

"One of them has Jurassic Park, though," he said. "So we will—"

"Ethan," she said to him firmly, "we know that going to Jurassic Park is a priority. We will spend time in Dinosaur Land. And we'll go spend at day at Star Wars land too."

"But there's other parks," Ethan put to her. "Lots."

"I know. But we aren't going to have time for all of them," Erin pressed.

"But there's two Universal and four Disney. So that's six. And a week is seven days," he argued.

"And we'll need two of the days for travel," she nodded at him – even though, again, they'd already come to the conclusion that they were more likely to be spending ten days on this trip, maybe a bit more if they flew down a Friday night and stayed until the following Sunday night. But they weren't telling Eth that yet – because it'd only mean he'd start to unrealistically try to cram even more into their schedule.

"Well, you said that we get into both parks at Universal with those tickets – so it's only one day," he tried.

"Ethan," she caught his eyes. "You aren't going to be able to handle full days back-to-back at parks. You probably aren't going to be able to handle going to two parks in a day. So, we'll do one day at Wizarding World, one day doing the rest of the rides at Universal – including Jurassic Park, and then one day over at the park with the Star Wars stuff. Then you've got a whole list of other things you want to see and do—"

"Like the other parks," he tried.

She shook her head. "Like the beach and fishing and hunting for shark teeth and boogie boarding and the Kennedy Space Center and Daytona."

Ethan gave a little sigh and pulled his knees up to his chest, mirroring her position – but gazing at her a little defeated. Erin let out a little sigh of her own.

"What other park is it that you think you want to do?" she asked.

He shrugged. "Animal Kingdom as a bunch of dinosaur stuff too."

"Ethan," she sighed at him. "It's likely going to seem pretty little kiddie and tacky after you see Jurassic Park at Universal."

"Well, Epcot has a space ride and a race car test track ride," he said. "And a restaurant that's inside this giant aquarium. … Justin was going to take us to a restaurant like that in Nashville," he said quietly. "And mom likely would've really liked it too. And you know … we have to see and do stuff for them so they can see and do it too … now."

She let out a little sigh at him and gave him a sad look, cocking her eyebrow at him. But she didn't know what to say to that part of it, so she responded to the first part of his statement. "There's space rides and simulators at the Kennedy Space Center – which Jay would love to go to with you. And you'd get to see real racecars at Daytona. So maybe those should be things we do with our other couple days. And maybe you should save you allowance to go on a test drive at the speedway. I know me and Jay would both really like to do that with you."

He sighed. "Well, what about Magic Kingdom?" Ethan tried.

"You want to go and get your picture taken with Mickey?" she teased, keeping her eyebrow raised.

He fidgeted, squinting at her. "No," he protested. "But it has Space Mountain and Evan says that's the best ride at all of Disney. And it also has Pirates of the Caribbean."

She leaned forward and tapped on his knee. "We aren't going to have time to do everything," she said. "You're going to have to keep working on our itinerary and being realistic, Eth. You're going to have to decide what the most important things are – what you really, really want to do. And you're going to have to remember that it's all of our vacations. So me and Jay get to make some decisions too. And I'm not sure either of us really wants to spend a day at Magic Kingdom. And you're also going to need to remember, that there needs to be downtime – and likely at least a down day in there. A beach day or a pool day – where we're just … re-energizing."

He gave a little nod, but scrunched up on himself more. "I feel kinda bad going when Evan's dad is taking him this summer too, but Eva's never been and she seems pretty excited and sorta jealous about us getting to go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter."

Erin let out a little sigh. "Well, Eth, she's going to be at Iggy's in the fall. She's going to have to get used to people talking about all sorts of things that she hasn't gotten to do and probably won't get to do or have."

"I know," Ethan allowed. "I told her."

Erin gave a little nod and leaned back against the armrest again. "Her dad and grandma try to do lots of nice things for her and her brothers," she offered. "Things that you haven't gotten to do. Wisconsin Dells, Great Wolf Lodge. She went to a Bulls game. They go to Six Flags in the summer."

"I know," Ethan acknowledged again. "I just feel kinda bad. But … maybe I'll get her something there. But I don't want it to be like bragging."

Erin shook her head. "I don't think she'd think of it as bragging. I think she'd appreciate it."

Eth gave her a shy little smile at that and rubbed his finger against the material on the couch, watching the little patterns the movement created in the ridges on the fabric.

"I've sorta been thinking that I don't know if I really want to go in August too," he said quietly.

Erin gazed at him. "Well … Eth … your dad didn't think us going in June with you starting summer school right when we get back would be too smart."

"What about Easter break?" he suggested, giving her these hopeful eyes.

She shook her head at him. "The trip's a graduation present," she put to him firmly. "You won't be done the books and you won't be done Grade Eight."

"I'd still finish the books," he argued back. "I promise."

She sighed at him. "Eth, that's getting to be really soon. We haven't booked anything. It might be all booked up and really busy with lots of people on Spring Break. And you'd be completely exhausted by the end of it and having to head right back to school."

"But lots of schools have the week before Easter off," he tried. "And Iggy's is the week after."

"Ethan, schools all over the country have their Spring Breaks at different times. Just because public schools in Chicago aren't off doesn't mean that … I don't know, all of Iowa won't be on vacation."

He squinted at her. "But we have from Holy Thursday off," he pressed. "So we've got extra days. So even if we just stayed a week, I'd still have some time to rest when we got home."

She cocked her eyebrow. "And aren't you supposed to be doing Easter stuff this year."

He huffed at that. "I don't want to do the basket auction thing again and RIC's party is an egg hunt in the pool. It sounds kind of retarded. And we don't really do anything at home. Eat eggs. I can't have chocolate. Dad could still cook for Olive and H or whatever."

"I meant at school," she said. "With your Confirmation stuff?"

He let out a more annoyed noise. "Dad says I just have to participate in the stuff at school and the retreat and church for the day we get confirmed. And I've done lots of volunteer hours at RIC and at Field already. More than I even need to!"

"What about Robotics?" she asked. "Wasn't there some big tournament on Easter last year?"

His nostrils flared. "Yea, but Easter is super late this year. City and State will already have happened. It will be Regional. The weekend after! Not during Easter!"

"So didn't you have a big build scrambled last year? Aren't they going to expect you to be there and help with that?"

"Erin," he sighed at her, "their robots are so bad they aren't even going to qualify for Regionals. They aren't going to even need the tweak days. They made super stupid choices. The battle bots can't do any of the stuff that gets the biggest points. They definitely aren't going to make it. They probably won't even get to State! And even if they do – I'm on the Junior Tech team, it's not like I get to play at the competition or they let me help with the battle bots. I just … sit there with my thumb up my ass."

"Sometimes that's part of being on the team," she nodded at him, though a smile tugged at her lips. She knew she should call him out on his language but he'd just sounded so much like Hank there that she couldn't. Ethan was this weird little mini me of his father that provided a somewhat amusing glimpse into the teenaged boy that Hank likely was long ago. Somehow seeing that sometimes made dealing with him easier. Maybe it made her a little more forgiving of him. Maybe it helped her remember him as the man he was and forget about the events that had tossed them into the conundrum that made up the people they were now.

He slouched and looked at her with some defeat playing across his face. "I don't want to go in June," he said. "Then I'd miss ball and we might not be back in time for the Fourth. So I'd miss the fireworks."

"I'm pretty sure they have fireworks at the theme parks every night of the week, Ethan," she said with a little head shake.

"The fireworks off the pier are likely better," he said, casting her a look.

She gave him an amused grin – because she suspected it was more likely he'd never look at the shows they had in the city in quite the same way ever again after he saw what they put on in Orlando.

"Well, we aren't going in June," she affirmed. "So you don't have to worry about missing the Fourth of July."

"I'd miss ball in August too," he provided.

She let out a little sigh – because this was the first she was hearing about this. "So you can miss helping your Robotics team get ready to Regionals but you can't miss a practice and maybe a game of baseball?"

"They aren't going to make Regionals. Why would I want to waste my Spring Break just hanging around Iggy's tech labs doing nothing. And why would Dad drive me all the way to Kansas and pay for a hotel and everything for me to watch me sit on the sidelines in another state? It's stupid. I get to play at ball."

She just eyed him. Keeping him on Robotics that year had been a hard fought battle and she'd decided it was one that Hank got to fight on his own. She wasn't sure if it was worth it or not. Ethan definitely had an aptitude for the stuff. And she knew it was a skill set that might pay off heavily in the future. But if he was miserable and there were arguments about it near weekly – if not daily sometimes – was it really worth it? She thought if Hank pushed him too hard on it, he might end up killing any interest Ethan had in pursuing that skill set further. It might be better to just let him putter on it at home. To explore other venues that helped him grow it. To find him a mentor that he liked and respected as much as Mouse … which wasn't likely to happen.

So "It will only be a week," was all she told him in reference to ball. "Lots of kids miss a couple weeks in the season with family holidays or their medical stuff."

He cocked his head at her and settled his chin against his knees. "Field's camp is the week you want to go," he said. "And this year it's about fish."

She matched his position too. "And you're willing to give up the trip to go to fish camp?"

She knew it wasn't just fish camp. She knew it being fish camp – and it being at Field – was a way for him to try to feel connected with his mom. She knew he'd loved the summer program at Field the year before – even though he'd gone just after Justin had died. She knew the camp gave the kids a chance to do computer programming and work with databases and to talk to paleontologists and archeologist and all sorts of people in the museum field. Scientists. That he got to work with fossils and he got to go to a place he loved every day for a week. And that wasn't something she was willing to rip from him. And, really, she might not be too broken up about putting off the Orlando trip – though, that clearly wasn't what Eth was suggesting. But she also wasn't sure she was willing to even consider is April suggestion.

He sighed harder and rubbed his chin against the top of his hands. "It's just … August is like … we'd be going like just after J died. And Dad already gets so sad around when Mom died. So he's probably going to be super sad and super grouchy this summer."

"So maybe we should give him some space," Erin tried – even though, she'd noticed at the dates Hank had suggested were right after the anniversary too.

And she wasn't sure how she felt about that. What it meant for any of their mental and emotional states. If it'd be good or bad for them to be apart in that period. If she wanted to be alone with Ethan in that period. She wasn't sure how any of them would deal with it. And she wasn't sure she wanted to be in a different state while they saw how they dealt with it. Or how much she wanted to have her eyes off Hank given his temper and his ability to make gut decisions that could go sideways for all of them when he was propelled into an emotional state. That maybe she should keep an eye on him. But another part of her wanted to be away from the city – and Hank – and all the memories of what had happened that day and that night. She wanted to try to think about somewhere else. To be somewhere far away. In a situation about as different as possible from where she was that time the year before.

But her little brother gazed at her. "Or maybe we should stay and take care of him," he said softly.

She reached and gripped at one of Eth's biceps. Because sometimes she didn't know how he'd become such a kind and caring kid. Sometimes she wondered if Hank realized how much Eth loved him and worried about him and wanted to fiercely protect him. If Hank understood how much the things he did – and how he reacted to situations – affected Ethan. How acutely away of them he was – in his own ways, even if he didn't know what had happened or what he was talking about. He still knew … that something was up. And he wanted the best for his dad. He wanted better. He didn't want to lose the family he had left.

"I'll talk to your dad about it," she provided. "And Jay."

Because sometimes … Ethan had a point. Maybe a lot of times he did. In his own little way.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: Your readership, reviews, comments and feedback are appreciated.**


	12. Good Boy

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

 **THIS CHAPTER WOULD GO IMMEDIATELY AFTER WHAT IS CURRENTLY CHAPTER 11 — WANTS AND NEEDS.**

Hank came in the back door of the house, giving his boots a stomp while he shucked off his jacket to hang up.

"Hi Dad …" he heard a little weakly from just inside the breezeway door. Clear indication that Magoo was likely sitting at the little table – hopefully doing his homework. Or maybe working on getting some food ready for the two of them based on the smell of the house, the telltale clicks he could hear coming out of their dated oven's element.

Just grunted at his boy, though. Long day. Real long fucking day. Long night. Just a long fucking case. All were. But they hit you even more sideways when the family of one of your crew is involved. Always seemed to fucking stab into him even more when they got cases like this.

Rapes. Sexual assault. Of women. Of little kids. Just really couldn't stand them. Couldn't stand the men – the fucking animals – that committed those kinds of crimes. Kind of thing that went to people's core in a whole other way. Kind of thing they never fucking recovered from. The kind of thing he didn't want to exist in his city. The kind of people who didn't deserve to fucking breath the same air as the rest of humanity. Because they weren't fucking human. Animals. Didn't even deserve to call them that. Did a disservice to the real animals. A whole lot of animals – species – better than those fucking monsters.

So a grunt was all E got. For the moment. As he stooped to unlace his boots. To kick them off. Because he hadn't been expecting him to be sitting right inside the door. Had come in through the back breezeway specifically because he'd figured his boy would be working on his homework in the dining room or flaked out in the front room trying to stretch the limits of his screen-time with having the house to himself for a bit that evening. Had wanted to get in the door without having to instantly go into his father mode. The fucking evening routine mode. Had just wanted to have a few more minutes to decompress a bit from the night. The fucking day. The fucking case. To ease back into his job as a father and away from the job. To pour himself a fucking drink.

The funny thing with Magoo was that he so fucking knew that his boy being home – being sick, needing him, being a single father – it'd really fucking stabilized. Really had. Had in ways that Hank wasn't even sure he'd fully appreciated he needed until his son got expelled, until they got that diagnosis and until he'd been forced in a whole new way to not just care for – love – his boy as his son, but to actually really get to know him. To know the brain-damaged kid he'd brought home those years ago rather than clinging to the memories of Cami's baby boy that she'd waited for for so long. And he was a different kid.

But what kid at one versus at seven versus at thirteen isn't fucking different? Maybe not this different.

But there was still a lot of sameness in Magoo. The glimpses of Cami's baby boy were still there. His looks. His ticks. But for all the parts of E that weren't his mom's previous little brainiac oddball, he'd really grown to like – to love – the kid he did have now. Even though he was tough.

It was really fucking hard raising him alone – without his wife and without his mother. It was really fucking hard trying to understand and relate to some of his interests. And the fucking generation gap with E? Just so fucking different. Different than J's. So fucking different than Erin's.

Just showed how much technology and society had changed in the sixteen-seventeen years that separated his daughter from his little boy. Made him a little sad. Not just for his boy. For kids these days. What they were growing up in. How they were going up. It was all just real different. And sometimes that was just real fucking hard to wrap his head around too.

And society these days – a kid like Magoo – you couldn't just go with the "I'm your father" route. You had to try to relate to them in a whole different way. Needed to be a part of their lives in a whole different way. You really did. Too many fucking banana peels for them anymore. Whole new fucking ways for them to get in trouble. Whole different kind of predators trying to lure them and hurt them in whole new ways.

Fucking new terminology – fucking catch phrases – around frat bullshit of "no, means yes." Turning it all into a fucking game – and selling it as that. Trying to convince people that women are just some pawns there for your pleasure. A way to score points. "Artificial resistance". "Desired state of consent." He couldn't remotely relate to who any of the assholes in that full showroom could relate to – or want to relate to, or fucking internalize – that bullshit. They'd paid their five-hundred bucks entrance fee and bought right into it. Like none of these men had grown up with mothers or sisters. Like none of them had had daughters. Like their five-hundred bucks now entailed them to get whatever women they fucking set their eyes on and decided they wanted. Not taking a good look at themselves and thinking about if they fucking deserved to be with anyone. And Voight didn't need to look at them too hard to know that anyone setting down the cash for that seminar didn't deserve to be near anyone in the human species – man or woman.

And this "pretending to resist"? Fucking new catch phrase around a woman playing hard to get. Cock-teasing. Never liked those phrases either. The fucking notion that they existed outside of a consensual relationship either. This fucking suggestion that even after you were in a consensual relationship that your girlfriend or wife or spouse or whatever somehow owed you a fuck? That "no" didn't exist in a previously established "consensual relationships"? That your significant other wasn't allowed to – or you allowed yourself – to get going and then decide you weren't going to get to seal the deal?

He didn't know what planet guys who felt that way lived on. But twenty-some years of marriage – with a girl he'd known since before he started having episodes where he thought with his dick – had more then taught him that wasn't the way it worked. Had heard a whole lot of no. Had a whole lot of false starts. And if having a spouse hadn't been enough of a reality check about that – having a mother smacking him up the side of the head as a teenager had driven it home. And raising a teenaged girl had pretty much driven a stake in it. Consent was consent. It's not a fucking grey area. And no is no. A fucking two-letter, one syllable word. Not hard to understand. And it sure as fuck didn't need to be a verbal exclamation of it to get the fucking point either.

Then roll into it these assholes – hitting on, fucking – girls young enough to be their daughters? Daughters – girls, women – they should be fucking protecting. Setting a fucking example for them. Teaching them. Taking care of them. Making the world and society a fucking better place for them. Not making it more fucking unsafe than life already was.

Thing with cases like this – they didn't just fucking eat at you on a work-front. On this kind of shit going on in your city front. It bugged you as a man. But it eat at you as a father too. It makes you think a fucking lot about he women in your life. The shit they have to deal with from some of these fucking pigs. Admit that it made him think of Cami. Even made him think about his own mom. Had a lot of years of living after his dad was gone and a lot of years out working in male-heavy environments. That just made him of Olive.

But also just made him think of his girl. Keep eyes on her – and Burgess. But think too much about some of the shit Erin had been put through by these fucking monsters when she was still just a kid. And the ways as a man – as a father – he could still se her carrying some of it now. Had spent all the years raising her – watching how she interacted with men and boys and relationships and even how she saw herself and held herself and the fronts she put on for other people – seeing how it'd fucked her up. And it never went away. And that hurt more too.

Made him hurt real hard for Kim and her sister and that little niece of hers at home too. Because that sort of thing just trickles and impacts the whole family in a whole lot of ways. And it just fucking shifts how all the women in that family – even how all the decent men in that family – would see the rest of the males of the species for the rest of their lives too. A whole lot of distrust and anger and fear and anxiety eating them up forever – which just manifests itself in all kinds of ways. Thoughts and actions that might be what need to be done but may not lead to the best outcome for any of them in the end.

He knew that from experience too. But sometimes you did what you had to do in the fucking moment.

It'd all just sent him back to thinking about Magoo. Thinking about the things they did and didn't talk about. And even for all the things they did touch on – even though he knew how he felt about women and respect and equality, even though he knew that E had his sister and had grown up with little girl friends – he also knew that E didn't have a relationship on display for him at home. He didn't have a mom there in his daily life. He'd spent two fucking years at a boys' boarding school. He was at a Catholic school that didn't do a whole lot of talking along the lines of sex ed – and consent and boundaries. And he was surrounded by a lot of kids with their hormones kicking in. He'd already been hurt by some little girls who just were mean. Because kids could be really fucking cruel – just like a whole lot of adults.

But it got him thinking about if he was doing enough, saying enough. If the kid was getting enough of an example. If having a sister was enough. Erin having a relationship was enough. If him talking to Eth about his mom was enough and making sure the kid knew how much he loved and respected Cami – not just as a woman but as a person. As a really smart, capable, stubborn, giving, caring and independent person. A person he probably needed a whole fucking lot more than she needed him. But that she'd decided – made her own fucking choice without much coercion because he was sure far from being a fucking romantic – she was going to make a life and family with him.

Just these … fucking rape seminars, in his fucking city. These fucking losers – not even old men, young guys – thinking that … women fucking owed them something. That they could take. That how what they were doing was remotely OK. How they'd fucking convinced themselves of that? Bought into it? What kind of families did these fucking assholes grow up in? What kind of fucking examples were they getting that they thought this was OK? That they fucking had chips on their shoulder so big that they thought that they should be God's gift to women? That women had to fucking care they existed? That they'd want to let them into their space and life?

He'd sent the types over and over again in his career. He knew them when he was a kid himself. He'd dealt with domestics and assaults at homes and parties and bars over and over again as a young cop. He'd dealt with rape cases. He'd interacted with the vics and the perps. But these fucking seminars and online fucking "coaches" and "tutors" was just a whole new fucking dynamic of assholes finding more assholes. To convince themselves that they were the normal ones. That they were in the ones in the right.

It wasn't new. These animals always existed. But they were just finding new ways to peddle their wares. To legitimatize their existence. And to find their fucking prey. And they were trying to confuse the picture and press their belief structure onto the unsuspecting as gospel. And there were too many impressionable minds being exposed to it. Lived too much in a society that bombarded the impressionable with images and sound bites and false arguments presented as fact to try to make this shit the acceptable reality. Had a fucking president of the country telling society that this was an OK way to be treating women. How do you compete against that shit. The internet. Television. Media. Chat forums. Twitter. Instagram. All this stream of crap hitting at you from every direction.

And you've got a thirteen-year-old kid at home? A boy? How the fuck do you make sure they've got their head on straight?

You want to think example is enough. But what example did E have? Hank wanted to think E knew this shit. That they talked about this shit. But the more he thought about it, the more he wondered when he was fighting that kind of uphill battle if talk was enough. If they'd even fucking talked about enough. He talked to the kid about the birds and the bees. He was trying to keep an open dialogue about it. Trying to make sure the kid had a healthy dose of self-respect and respect for who ever he was with. That he was safe and smart and responsible when he reached that milestone in his life. But as much as he felt he'd talked about it and as much as he felt the kid got it – did he really get it?

Society – the wrong fucking parts of society – seemed to want to muddle up what consent was. Voight wanted to think it was a simple concept. He wanted to think that E knew understood it. He wanted to think that his son respected women. That he saw women – the little girls in his life – as equals. That it was all just a given to his boy. That that was the way he was raised. That it was the example he was getting.

But shit like this just made him think that maybe it wasn't enough. Maybe it would've been enough if his mom was still around. If he was living in a house that had a mom and a dad and a stable, loving relationship. A marriage. A little nuclear family.

But that wasn't what they were anymore. And maybe he was royally fucking this up too.

And as much as he loved his boy. As much as he loved being a father. As much as he loved his family. It just had been one of those fucking days where he had wanted some time out. For himself. To get his head on straight. To decompress. To go to the Social Club. To play a few hands of cards. To have a couple drinks. To likely shoot the shit with some guys who probably said some shit about women and affairs and mistresses and girlfriends and wives and daughters that still probably would've rubbed him the wrong way after this case. But it would've been different than coming home. It would've been a reprieve from weighing what he was doing right and what he was doing wrong. And trying to figure out how to get it to fucking balance so that a few years down the road – which was charging up on him way too quickly – he'd be sending a quality man out into the world. One he'd be proud of how he lived his life and conducted himself. One for all the shit he fucking worried about with Magoo – him being a fucking misogynist, rapist or plain old male pig at least wouldn't be on the list.

Reality was, though, he was a father. And he understood the responsibilities that came with it. And he'd paid for it other times he'd taken his eyes off his kids. Even when he felt like he needed the fucking alone time, when he wanted to be that loner or fucking lone wolf he often was. Even when he thought he needed time to get his head on straight. Truth was that you didn't get that luxury a lot as a parent. Just had to keep going forward and making the decisions best you knew how in the moment. So you went back to your responsibilities. You were there for them. And you fucking hoped that eventually that would balance out to being enough.

So rather than check-out on Magoo for another hour or two – he'd gone home. Where he was wanted. Needed. Where he was supposed to be. Where he needed to be too – for himself. But he'd at least hoped that day he'd get in the door and get started on a drink. Like most things in life, though. Wasn't going to quite work out that way.

He stepped into the kitchen, and his boy was sitting right at the table – closest to the door. His damn mutt – who'd at least had enough sense to let him get his coat and boots off without barging into him – had decided now was the time to get up from where he was slumped at E's feet and ram his nose right into his thigh. But Hank took it, scruffing roughly between Bear's ears.

Magoo gave him a glance. Couldn't see the kid's face or eyes. Had his fucking ball cap on. And that was a no-go. He reached and knocked the brim up, catching E's eyes and then pulling the hat off his head, setting it on the table next to his kid.

"No hats inside," he put to him flatly. Kid knew the rule. But had the thing on so much, forgot half the time it was even on his head.

Kid just looked at him, though. No comment. No argument. Just stared straight up at him – his neck craned back to meet his eyes. And, as usual, it was Camille's eyes staring right at him. No matter how used he was to seeing his wife's eyes in his boy's sockets – there were still some days where there was more to that look. That it wasn't just Magoo who was looking at him. That Cami was still there and boring into his soul somehow when she had something to say to him. Something she wanted him or needed him to know. Or just when he needed to be told off some and take a bit of a kick in the ass.

E, though, just gave him a quiet little smile and Hank stroked his thumb across his forehead as he tired to get a reading on what those eyes meant that evening. What they should be meaning to him or saying to him. Or if it was just a quiet message to again get his head on straight. To again let E be that stabilizing force in his life. To fucking accept that E surviving on one of the worst days of his life had launched the little boy farther into being one of the best things that ever happened. To fucking accept that as a gift his wife had left behind for him. Another way she took care of all of them. Still did.

"Sure smells good in here, Magoo," Hank provided.

The quiet smile got a little shyer and his boy shrugged. "It's just the lemon herb chicken bake you showed me."

Hank allowed him his own quiet smile. "Like that one."

"I think Erin does too," E said. "She makes it all the time. 'Cuz it's easy."

"Hmm," he grunted. "Know who taught her that one?"

"You …," E allowed dismissively.

Hank shook his head, rubbing his thumb down his boy's forehead. "Your mom."

The little smile flickered on Magoo's face agin. "I made four," he said. "Because I thought Erin and Jay might come too. But she never answered my text."

He grunted again. "Likely sleeping," he allowed. "Real long night for your sister."

E gave him some quiet scrutiny. "You look pretty tired too, Dad."

Hank allowed a thin smile and moved his hand, swishing his son's thin, short, tuffy wisps of bangs back and stooped just briefly to put a kiss against his forehead. Just touched his lips there and raised, using his hand to give his boy's hair a small tug and his head a little shake.

"Never too tired for you," he said, keeping his boy's eyes for a moment and then letting him go. Going to the counter and the cupboard – getting a mug. Because he'd do coffee rather than rye. And he'd do homework rather than play Pinochle.

And he'd recognize he already had a good boy. And he'd forego sleep – and a whole lot of other things – to make sure he was giving Chicago … society, the world … a good man.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: So this chapter was meant to be a Hank and Ethan conversation but turned into something else. I might do a Part 2 of this scene that's more of the conversation. Or I might end up just touching on it again later. Not sure yet.**

 **I have the Star Wars Florida Day chapter about 1/3rd written. It might appear next. Or I might pick at some of the other scenes that I want to be doing. I have a handful that aren't related to Florida. Some heavy and some not.**

 **This chapter would've been set before the Florida trip. It will be re-ordered later.**

 **A Hank/Al chapter was posted in this story. And a Hank/Erin chapter was posted a week or so ago over in Aftermath.**

 **There is a small possibility that I MIGHT be posting a new story that would only be a handful of chapters (not sure how many but likely not more than 12). It'd use the characters and their backstories as depicted in this AU. But it'd be set … maybe 2-3-ish years into the future. So it'd be sort of a divergence in that these scenes would continue to be vaguely inspired and influenced by some of the events and stories in the TV series cannon. So basically the stories/characters/arcs might not completely jive. If that makes sense. Basically it'd be a standalone story within the AU. Like a fanfic of the fanfic? That likely doesn't make sense. … Hmm. Basically these scenes aren't working toward the goal/action/plot that would appear in the standalone?**

 **Anyway. Since that's probably confusing, I'm actually now thinking that it might be too confusing to write and/or post that. Especially without people wanting me to start making So It Goes working toward the goalpost depicted in that story. Which is not the intention of So It Goes.**

 **Anyway, the feedback, comments and reviews on this chapter of So It Goes is appreciated. know that it's spring break and easter and end-of-term stuff for a lot of people. And just spring being a crazy busy time of year, so my readership and number of reviews have really dropped off. While, I seriously don't expect people to review every chapter, I do find getting a nice handful of reviews each chapter as a form of motivation to continue writing. And also, when I don't get them I often feel like it really must've sucked bad. And/or I just feel that it's not really worth the time.**

 **I know there's a group of you who really like that the Florida chapters are "light". And I do still intend to pick at finishing the last few. But they just ended up taking longer to do than expected and I do have other ideas that I want to explore too.**


	13. Always

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

Erin cast Jay a look, rolling her eyes a little as they listened to Ethan motor-mouthing at his dad on FaceTime in the bedroom – his bedroom, his Jurassic Park bedroom. But Jay barely contained his amusement at her feigned annoyance – that was only so feigned. He cocked his eyebrow at her and just shrugged – like she should've expected that. Like she should've been ready for that and a whole lot more. Because he was right. She should. And she was. But getting the first tastes of it was somewhat amusing.

Though, she likely would be tolerating it a whole lot better – and finding it slightly more amusing – if they hadn't been on a flight at 6:30 in the morning. Which necessitated them being at the airport a 4:30. Which meant they were actually at the airport closer to 4 FUCKING a.m. Because Hank was nervous about them get checked-in and on an out-of-state flight when Ethan wasn't their kid and had a different last name than her (making it one of the few times since him and Camille had gone through all the guardianship paperwork with her that included name change paperwork and the dropping of Fletcher in an effort to distance her from her past and escape from Bunny's grip. Or possibly just to make it harder for Bunny to track her down. Which didn't really work since Bunny knew where the Voights lived too. But that morning – the first since that night at the Silos – she actually vaguely wished that maybe she'd just gone with Voight rather than tacking her middle name on as her surname back when she was sixteen. A weighty decision for a kid. But she'd made weightier ones in her life and probably much more significant but it definitely was one that she'd revisited regularly and both celebrated and regretted the choice she had made back then.) despite them having a notarized letter giving them permission to travel with him and identifying her as his sister (not that anyone had asked to see it). And because Hank seemed to have some sort of illusion that it was going to be an extreme pain in the ass for them to get through security with Eth's injection kit and medications and his crutches (which it wasn't). So that meant they had left their house around 3 a.m. and she'd been up since 2. So, basically, she hadn't slept.

Not that she got the impression that Ethan had slept either. Not the way he was bouncing in his seat when Hank had arrived at the townhouse – EARLY – to pick them up and drive them to O'Hare. But he was still a ball of excitement. And it just kept on building and building. Building more when they got off the plane and they got to "take a ride already" on a fucking monorail to the main terminal. Not when he saw all the overpriced gift stores in the terminal – the Space Center and Star Wars and Jurassic Park and Harry Potter – staring him in the face. Prompting her little brother – who was usually so good about saving and budgeting his spending money – to start to feel what he'd brought with him and the little bit extra for the trip that his dad had handed him in an envelope was burning a hole in his pocket. She was actually surprised they'd gotten him out of the airport without him having spent all the money he'd brought with him before they even reached the car rental desk. Not when they he started seeing all the billboards as they drove into the city – advertising all the parks and attractions. Not when he started to spot the rollercoasters towering above the hotels. Not when he spotted palm trees and ferns that "pretty much looked like Jurassic Park already … sorta." And definitely not when they arrived at the hotel and they all got their first glimpses at the over-the-top themeing that apparently made up the Orlando theme-park vacation experience. Not as they walked through the hotel lobby and could gaze through the windows into the courtyard and see the expansive pool, the water slide and the lazy river winding around the resort. And definitely not when they got up to their suite and he got the surprise that the kids' room was done up as dinosaur paradise. Not just any paradise – Jurassic Park. Which, technically, should likely be a sort of terrifying proposition for a sleeping arrangement for most children. But clearly not for a dinosaur nut like her baby brother. She knew even if they had him there at four – instead of thirteen – it still would've loved that room and she wouldn't have to worry about nightmares at all even then.

Him discovering that room – and vocally claiming it, like they were going to put up any kind of fight with him about who got the fucking dinosaur room with twin beds in it! – they'd gotten their first reprieve of the day. Sort of. He had immediately thrown his backpack down and dug out the iPad to call his dad – who was likely only so impressed to have to endure Eth's motor-mouth on city hours. Though, Hank had been insistent about them letting him know they got through security OK, that they landed OK, and they checked in OK. He should've expected that some of that – was at some point – going to entail more than her shooting a text message his way.

So for the moment Ethan was out of their hair – filling Hank in on all the thrilling details of their trip thus far, which pretty much just involved checking into the hotel. They'd retreated to the farthest possible space in the suite from him – the small sitting area and kitchenette. But even being in the opposite space to the bedrooms wasn't saving them from having to hear Ethan's excited monologue.

"So that lists all the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park," Ethan said, and Erin could tell he was again standing staring at the door to the room, which was done up to look like some sort of park signpost. "I sort of hope all of them are in the actual park."

"Know they aren't real…," Hank rasped over the iPad, which Eth had the volume levels cranked. Not that Hank was saying much. He didn't do a lot of talking even on his good days. But at work, he was he'd definitely be keeping his commentary to a minimum, even if he was in his office with the door closed.

"I'm not four," Ethan said with some distaste. Erin suspected that Hank was probably having just as hard of time remembering that the family's baby was on his graduation trip before high school – a teenager – too. Especially if Ethan was turning the iPad to actually look – or rather glow – at his dad and not just giving Hank a shaky grand tour of the suite. Though, so far the only area he seemed to be getting to see was the bedroom.

There was more movement and Erin was pretty sure he'd stepped back into the bedroom. "They'll still have dinosaurs in the park. Just animatronic ones. I don't know about raptors, though. And I'm pretty sure this is supposed to be the raptors' paddock. See … I think those are their claw marks. From when they escaped."

"Long as they aren't hiding under the bed," Hank provided flatly.

"Dad …," Ethan groaned. "I get my own TV," Eth added after a moment. There was a clear grunt from Hank about that. He likely wasn't impressed with that feature. "And a desk. For some reason."

"To do your homework," Hank rasped firmly.

There was another sigh out of Ethan. "Dad …," that time was whined.

"Non-negotiable, Magoo," Hank provided from 1,200 miles away. "You didn't want this trip to conflict with ball or camp—"

"It's cooler now," Ethan argued. "I don't like hot. And I wanted to be home for …" he trailed off. And Erin was glad he had. Because she didn't want them to think about that more than they had to or get into it on this trip. This was supposed to be a vacation – from all of it. An escape from their reality. From Ethan's reality. A distraction. And even though she knew there wasn't a way to turn off thinking about his brother – they didn't need to speak his name more than they needed to. And when they did – she wanted it to be out of happy memories even if they were spurred by something they were seeing that maybe they were a little sad J was missing or even sadder it wasn't something he'd get to see or do and experience with them – or even more sadly – with Henry. But that's where she wanted to hold those thoughts. Full stop.

He didn't need to say it. There'd been tears when he'd expressed to his dad that he didn't want to go on the trip in August. That he wanted to be home and with his dad and to see Henry and to get to go to the gravesite of his mom and brother. And Ethan had been so upset in pleading his case, it'd become abundantly clear that even if Hank had been pressing the proposed dates for the vacation because he wanted – or needed – some space in that time period. Even if Erin had wanted to runaway from Chicago and all the pain and memories and regrets associated with that time period that she didn't think were ever going to dim with time and space in the way she wanted. That what Ethan needed was for all of them to be together. That he needed to feel safe and supported. He needed his routines and his traditions he wanted – or needed – to establish for that time of year. He needed help in his grieving – and the progress he'd made – and he needed to be allowed to do that at home.

They'd try to explore other dates in August. But they weren't sure how Eth would be doing mentally and emotionally to manage later in the month. And the later in the month they got, the more conflicts there were with baseball and their season-end tournaments that the Cubs historically made. There was the conflict of the Field summer camp that he insisted he wanted to do. And then there was just Hank not wanting them to schedule it too close to the start of school because he wanted to be sure Ethan was rested and ready to make his debut as a freshman.

They'd gone back to trying get June to work – but it hadn't. With when school let out for the year and when summer school started and Ethan's insistence that he wanted to celebrate Independence Day at home "like always!", it just wasn't going to work. Not unless they wanted to make about a literal five-day trip, which for what this thing was costing, they really wanted to milk more out of it then that. Besides, Jay's goggling had yielded that that time of year was hotter than they anticipated and that crowd calendars put the parks near 10 – meaning they'd likely be just trying to walk through a wall of people. That hadn't sounded that appealing.

So Ethan had gotten his wish. An Easter Break trip with caveats. One of them about his need to still finish reading the Harry Potter series and the other being about homework. On vacation. Which was pretty standard for Iggy's. It was only going to get worse in high school. But the fucking teachers loved giving out holiday packs of homework they expected to be completed over any holiday. For most students, it likely wouldn't have been a big deal. A mild annoyance but something they could likely pound out in maybe two or three hours over the course of the week.

With Eth, it was a slightly different story. They'd looked over the homework packs that had been sent home with him – and committed to working through them with him. But Erin didn't really know when or how yet. They hadn't attempted to get him to look at them on the plane. She had no planes of hosting that battle with him that night and as soon as they started getting into holiday mode – hitting the parks and the beach and the pool and exploring – she didn't know when they were going to sit down and do it with him. But they'd just figure it out. Jay had suggested bringing one of the worksheets with them each day to get Eth to work on in the lines or to putter at while they waited for food in restaurants. It sounded like a bit of a buzz kill to her. But … they'd deal with it. Just like a whole lot of this "vacation" was going to be dealing with Ethan – and all things associated with Ethan.

Ethan knew too that homework – and his reluctance to participate in it on holiday – was a battle to fight with his dad. Hank would bring down the hammer even from half-way across the country. He'd save his whining for them. And Erin imagined her and Jay would likely be in his bad books at some point over the holiday when they had to lay down the law and force him to work on it. And it'd likely mean them cancelling a park day or not letting him go to the park until he'd completed a sheet. But she was also used to spending time in her baby brother's bad books. He seemed to get over it relatively quickly. He wasn't great at giving the cold shoulder. He really hadn't perfected that – or any of the tough guy attitude and demeanor.

And, even though he was slow with homework – he was smart enough to know it was best to get off that topic quick with his dad and Erin heard him wander into the master bedroom – that for some reason all the other rooms in the fucking suite opened onto. Didn't exactly do much for privacy. They going to have to make sure Eth had really passed out after a day at the parks – or sedate him – if they wanted to get laid that week. And she had definitely intended to have sex on her vacation. She actually might need sex on her vacation if she was going to make it through without wanting strangle her little brother.

Thankfully he had his own TV and a separate entrance to the bathroom. So hopefully they avoided any mishaps. She suspected anyway that after the initial euphoria and adrenaline wore off, that Eth would be sleeping like a baby most nights – and probably afternoons too.

"And this is Erin and Jay's room," Ethan provided. "Basically boring. It's supposed to be tropical or something. Their stool thing looks like a treasure chest … I guess. And—"

"Ethan," Hank rasped again. "Shouldn't be in there. Boundaries. Need to give your sister and Jay some privacy and space. Stay out of their room."

Ethan made a little noise. "Well, I've gotta to walk through it to get to the other room," he muttered and then appeared in front of them. "See …" he held the iPad in front of him – directed at her and Jay.

She shifted a little now that they were on camera. She had been leaning against Jay on the little pull-out couch in that space living space. She'd been paging through the resort binder, looking at the list of amenities and on-site restaurant menus. Jay was completely engrossed in examining the hard-copy maps of the parks and the shopping and dining area of the Universal complex. She didn't really know what he was looking at – or what he was seeing that was new. He'd spent way more time than her trying to plot out which parks – and attractions – to hit on which days based on the projected crowds and weather for the day. He knew where each ride was and when the rides were busiest. He knew the different show times. He likely had catalogued away where every fucking bathroom and first aid station was in each park. He'd basically applied all his skills and assets that had made him a good Ranger and a great Intelligence detective into conquering fucking Universal Studios.

But he also had a thing about maps, which she could appreciate, she did too. Though, their love of them came from slightly different places. Hers was the dreamer and the hopeful escape artist – who never went much of anywhere. Jay just spouted at her about how maps didn't need battery power or GPS or wifi. He'd made pretty clear before they even got there that one of his first priorities was going to be to get them a map. And now that he had his copies – she didn't think she'd be able to pull him away from them anytime soon.

Though, she supposed it was endearing in a way. That he was interested. And trying. And contributing. And even though this so wasn't his thing – there were aspects of it all that kind of were. The little boy and the loner and the geek. And it'd be interesting to see how that played out over the course of the week.

"So we've got a couch and a couple chairs and another TV," Ethan said and spun around to show of the sad little flatscreen that was in there. "And a kitchen. Kinda. It's small," he added and shuffled to the side a bit to display the kitchenette.

Then he moved over to stand directly in front of them. "There's Erin and Jay," he provided. "They want to take a rest."

"We're all going to take a rest," Erin pressed at him firmly. And by rest, she meant that she wanted Ethan to lay down and take a fucking nap so he'd be functional the next day. But she didn't get the sense that happened. And the reality was that if it didn't happen, that likely none of them were going to be that functional the next day. Or at least they definitely wouldn't be very pleasant to be around.

"We're going to go to the pool," Ethan said instead and place his knee on the couch, wedging himself between her and Jay and leaning over the back to point the iPad camera out the window. "So. It's huge. And it has TWO water slides AND a lazy river. And it's supposed to have other stuff around it. Like ping pong and volley ball and stuff. AND! They do a Dive-In movie every night. Kinda like at Lake Geneva. Only outside. Tonight they're showing E.T. so we'll likely watch that."

"Ethan," Erin provided firmly again, "you're going to bed early tonight. So you're functional tomorrow."

He ignored her. He just leaned over the couch farther and angled the iPad more. "You can sorta see the theme park," he provided to his dad. "See. That's one of the rollercoasters—"

"You aren't supposed to be going on the rollercoasters," Hank graveled, as Ethan pointed out the window.

And he got ignored too. Which was likely fine – because it was on the list of things they hadn't entirely decided how they were going to play yet. Erin thought it would be more about how Ethan was doing on a particular day and the trip as a whole. Where he was at with his flares and headaches and pain. And if he even wanted to go on any of the rolleroasters and there really only had been a couple that were specifically classified as rollercoasters that he'd earmarked as something he MIGHT want to do. But with all his dad's brow-beating of him on the topic, he seemed a little hesitant. Though, it was intermingled with him spitting out abut how RIC took trips to the Great American and how Eva and Evan said going on rollercoasters for RIC kids is totally fine. But the health and disability issues that Eva and Evan were dealing with weren't M.S. or traumatic brain injury – and all the associated disabilities and limitations that came with that – so their opinions on the matter only counted for so much.

"And see there," Ethan addressed instead, though. "That's Hogwarts. So that's likely the Wizarding World."

Hank allowed a grunt of acknowledgement at that. And Ethan took it, twisting around and really wedging his ass between her and Jay. They both shifted their position again on the cramped couch to make space for him. He tapped the button to get the camera to flip around and display them to Hank – and her and Jay again shifted trying to get a bit more out of view.

"We got to do the Sorting Hat when we checked-in. I'm Gryffindor," Ethan said proudly and held up his lanyard containing his room key, express line pass and park tickets – but most importantly striped in the house colors of red and gold. "That's the same house as Harry Potter," he clarified for his dad. "It pretty much means I'm daring and brave and chivalrous."

Hank grunted at that assessment. Erin actually thought it was decent assessment of her baby brother. That the little interactive quiz they'd done had sorted him to the house he should be in.

"Jay's Gryffindor too," Ethan said and cast her a look and turned the iPad to again get her in the frame. "Erin's Ravenclaw. Which seems sort of weird. But the Sorting Hat doesn't make mistakes."

"I'm pretty sure it made a mistake," Erin muttered. She wasn't too thrilled with where she'd landed according to the stupid quiz. Though, Jay – stuck with reading the Harry Potter books and enduring the movies along with her and Eth – had pointed out that Ravenclaw embodied " _Intelligence_ " with that shit-eating grin of his. When that hadn't earned him any points, he conceded it supposedly also meant that she was witty, wise, and an original individual who excelled at accepting people for who and what they were. So maybe the Sorting Hat had gotten it right after it.

But Eth shrugged and decided to agree with her that a mistake had been made. "Yea, maybe. I thought for sure you'd be Slytherin."

She gave him a little smack at that. But he just smiled at her and looked back to his dad.

"Let me talk to your sister," Hank put to him.

Ethan shrugged and handed her the iPad. Erin immediately tapped the button to switch it to just audio.

"Hey," Eth argued and leaned over to tap the cam back on again. "Dad wants to see."

She gave her eyes a little roll and gazed at Hank. He allowed a smack at the show he was getting. "Hi," she allowed flatly.

"Flight OK?" he asked.

She nodded. But she knew what he was asking. "Gave him the medication for spasticity when they started boarding. But he got some tingling and numbness in his legs on the flight."

"Use the compression socks?" Hank asked.

She shrugged. "We had to take them off. Was complaining they felt too tight with the air pressure."

Hank gave a little grunt at that.

"Other than that, his ears popped. And he said he had a headache."

"It's better now. I took an Excedrin," Ethan provided next to her. "They have caffeine in them."

"Just what you need," Erin said, arching her eyebrow at Hank's other smack.

"The plane was pretty awesome, Dad," Eth said, leaning against her – and into her space – to gaze at Hank again. "All the seats have like a touch-screen and you can watch like 50 different movies. I watched Jack Reacher and then I watched Bourne. But we landed before I could see the end of it. So hopefully they show the same movies on the way home."

Hank grunted and fixed his eyes on her, giving a smack. The question and message was clear.

"They were PG-13," Erin provided – a tad defensively. She knew the rules as well as Ethan did. And even though she thought Hank could be a little fucking strict about the whole rating thing, she also didn't entirely disagree with him. And she had enough fucking common sense to know what was and wasn't appropriate for her little brother to be watching – no matter how grown up he thought he was. Because she saw enough moments – just like right then – that she knew he was still a little boy in a lot of ways. But if he could watch 24 and Lost and Sherlock and Terra Nova and all kinds of other shit at home – she was pretty sure he could handle some shitty Tom Cruise movie or two.

"Yea," Ethan added. "We just watched what was on the plane so we could save the battery on here to call you. So we didn't have to charge it when we got here."

Hank grunted but his line of shift shifted back to try to find hers on his end. "You get through security OK?"

She shrugged. "Yea," she acknowledged. "Just told the agent we had the stuff in our bags. Took it out for them to take a look at. Not a problem."

He made a small sound of acknowledgement. "And they let you into the room OK?" he asked.

"They better have," she provided. "You paid for our early check-in."

Hank made a dismissive sound. "Wanted you to have a place to crash out after a flight at that hour."

But he'd done more than that. Whenever he'd called the hotel to get the early check-in put on their reservation, it'd been him who'd upgraded their suite so they didn't have to be sleeping in the same bedroom or having Ethan on a pull-out couch. Erin didn't want to speculate or guess how much that fee would've cost him. If they would've charged him the full rate or if they would've honored the military discount for the package Jay had been able to secure for them and just made the change within the appropriate bracket. He'd paid for Ethan's flight too and she knew Hank had sent money along with Ethan that he'd been instructed to use to help with the cost of groceries and a meal or two out over the holiday. Money that he'd known she likely wouldn't have accepted – but that maybe she'd let her little brother use, so he'd feel special and responsible and grown-up by paying a bill on his own at the grocery store or a table service restaurant that wasn't Carmine's.

And, really, she did appreciate that he was trying to help. Because the trip – especially it being slightly 'last minute' – had ended up costing more before they were even on the ground than what they'd been anticipating, even with the various discounts and promos and packages they were able to secure and various loyalty points they'd used. Having the extra bit of space and privacy was appreciated. And right now she couldn't imagine having arrived at the hotel and having had to sit around or entertain Ethan until they were allowed to check-in at 4 p.m. As it was, they'd arrived barely an hour after the hotel's check-out time and had been allowed into their room right away thanks to Hank calling and paying for the perk.

"That'd be working a lot better if someone would crash out," Erin provided and cast Ethan a stern look.

"But I want to go explore," he whined, his voice starting to flicker with some small signs of fatigue. He flaked fully out against her at that – cuddling in so he could gaze at his dad on the screen too. "They have a bowling alley, Dad. In the hotel. And you should see their arcade. It looks sooo cool. Driving games. Cars and motorcycles. And they gave use a bunch of tokens to use. But Erin wouldn't let me go in. She said we had to come up to the room first."

Hank grunted and moved his eyes back to her. "Room's OK?" he asked.

"It's great," Jay provided out of nowhere. She'd thought he'd still been lost in plotting out their routes on the maps, but apparently he'd been listening. Theme park tourist planner was just his cover. "Thank you."

Hank grunted passively again. Erin adjusted the angle of the iPad so Hank could spot Jay. But Jay hadn't looked up from the map despite his commentary. "Little extra space always good on these kinds of things," Hank allowed. "Especially if you're going to be in the room some."

"Dad," Ethan said bluntly, "there's too much to do to be in the room at all."

"You got homework and you need to take downtime," Hank nodded at him gravely. "You come back in a flare or burned out from pushing too much - I'm not going to be happy."

"Because you're Grumpy," Ethan quipped.

"Hey," Erin said as Hank gave his son an unimpressed look and a little smack. She wrapped her arm up around his head and stroked at his hair. It was such a mess. Matted, bed-head, in-flight, air pressurized, chemo head. There was no way to make it look any better – beyond putting a hat on it. But that had gotten pulled off likely when he started talking to his dad, who didn't approve of hats in the house. "Be nice," she warned.

She wasn't sure Ethan fully appreciated how much Hank had contributed financially to making this trip possible for him. And he hadn't had to do that. And it wasn't the kind of thing Hank would flaunt over Ethan either. It'd just been something he'd decided he could afford and he could justify for his boy. That Ethan deserved it. And he'd compensated accordingly.

It wasn't just that, though. Erin could see – had seen and heard in the weeks and months leading up to this – just how anxious Hank was about this trip. She'd initially taken it as a bit of an insult about her abilities to care for Ethan. But eventually she'd force herself just to accept that Hank was struggling with not having control over his son in his situation. That he wasn't going to be the first stop if Eth had any medical problems or flares or got sick. That he wouldn't be the one guiding him through the airport or his first flight or trying to manage his pain and fatigue and manage his pseudo flares and try to keep them at bay. It wasn't that he didn't know that her and Jay could handle that – that they knew how to do all that as well as him. It was that it was his child and Hank had become much more of a Popa Bear with Eth – since his M.S. diagnosis and even more so since Justin had died.

They both cling to each other. In different ways but in similar ways. It was going to be interesting to see how both of them dealt with being apart. It would likely be good for them. Needed. To let them have some space. And their own lives and experiences and time that wasn't so connected or dependant on the other. But, she didn't doubt that they were both going to miss each other in their own ways too. That this would be the first length of time Ethan had been away from Hank since coming home from boarding school, since his diagnosis, since all his medical appointments and hospital visits, since they'd lost Justin. He'd become a bit of a Daddy's Boy – even when he was having a day, week or month where he hated his dad.

Erin had seen, though, the way Hank had struggled to figure out how to be that tough guy dad as he dropped them off at the airport. She was almost surprised with how nervous he seemed – the constant reminders and instructions about check-in and security and navigating O'Hare – that he hadn't come in. That he hadn't gone through check-in with them and walked over to security with them and watched them go through in case there were any problems. But he'd just dropped them off at the Kiss 'N Ride. Off-loaded them and their luggage. Though, she sort of suspected, that he'd found a spot in one of the lots and had waited until he saw on his phone that their plane had taken off without problem until he did head into work.

Because she'd seen him trying to figure out how to say goodbye to Ethan – even if only for a week. And she'd seen the way he held him and hugged him at that curb. The tough love. It hadn't worked with Justin and as tough as Hank could be, he wasn't even trying the tough love with Ethan. He cracked down on him – and could be strict and stern and scary – in other ways. But tough? Ethan had enough tough things in his life to need to struggle to get love from his father the tough way.

She knew too that even though Hank wasn't too interested in theme parks – at all. And even though Erin was thankful to have this time and space away from him. And time with Jay – outside of work and trying to figure out how to have a home life. And time with Ethan that wasn't going to revolve around homework and medical appointments and playing taxi service. She knew in some ways Hank would've liked to have come. Or at least to have been there to see Eth have some of these experiences. To see him happy and relaxed and excited. And it made her feel a little bad she was taking that away from Hank. But she'd reminded herself too, that he'd had thirteen years of opportunities to take him here – and he hadn't. That he shared other trips and moments and experiences with Eth – ones that she hadn't been invited to or ones she hadn't been interested in participating in. So, she was allowed to have some special moments and memories and bonding time with her little brother too. That having that would help them grow in their relationship – as he shifted and changed – as he became a teenager and grew up and she established her own family.

But Hank's regret that he wasn't there and his worry about Ethan (and them) managing this – it'd been why he'd contributed to making it possible. His way of trying to make it easier. To try to make it an experience they all enjoyed and remembered. And even though she'd initially wanted to be angry with him for trying to invade on their plans and to try to exert control and make it work his way – she'd let herself accept the help. To be grateful for it. Because he was just trying to be a dad. Their dad. And sometimes even when she was immensely angry with him – he was hard to be entirely angry at.

"The kitchen OK?" was all Hank asked, though.

Erin shrugged. "It's small. Basically a bar fridge. Two burner stovetop, microwave, toaster, coffeemaker." Hank made a sound that didn't sound thrilled about that. But even with Ethan's whirlwind tour of the living area of the suite, he must've gotten the sense that both the seating space and the kitchen were small. "It will be OK," she assured. "This upgrade gives us access to some lounge up on the seventh floor. It's supposed to have food throughout the day. Don't know if there will be anything in there he can eat, though," she said, rocking Eth's head slightly. Now that he was sitting still, she thought they might actually have a chance at getting him to close his eyes for an hour or two.

"They do," Jay provided next to her.

She gave him a look. "Yea?" she put to him.

He nodded and tapped at the resort amenities binder that had ended up on the opposite side of Ethan's ass when he'd wedged himself onto the couch. "Fruit, veg, chips, nachos, eggs, meat."

"Mmm …," Erin acknowledged and looked back to the iPad. "There you go." She stroked at Eth's forehead more. She could see that Hank was looking more directly at him than her and she glanced down. His eyes were starting to look heavy. "After our rest, we'll check it out and then do a grocery run."

"Supermarket nearby?" Hank asked.

Erin gave a little nod. "That Whole Foods we spotted on Google Maps … it's basically just outside the gates of the resort area."

"Mmm …," Hank graveled. "Good."

"Yea …," Erin allowed.

It would likely make things easy. Not that Whole Foods was particularly cheap. But it did mean there would be packaged snacks and hot food bar that had items that they knew Eth could eat. Even though they'd brought some of his snacks with them, this would be good for restocking as he ate through it, and an easy way to get pre-cooked food or ingredients to quickly throw together something in their mini-kitchen on the nights they didn't want to eat out.

And, they hadn't come into this vacation planning on eating out every night. Beyond it being too expensive – eating at restaurants with Ethan was just a pain in the ass. Though, again, Jay's research into all of this had given them some assurances that a lot of restaurants would be educated and accommodating when it came to medically restricted dietary choices. But, it did seem like they might have better luck at that with Disney than Universal. So add it to the list of things they'd just have to see how it went. And if it went off the rails – at least they knew there was a Whole Foods a few miles away they could make a quick run to.

"So that the plans for the rest of the day?" Hank asked. "Groceries and check out the pool?"

"Disney Springs," Ethan mumbled – but there was a firmness to it. "T-Rex Café. For dinner."

"I don't think you're going to make it to dinner," Erin said, running her hand gently through what was left of his patchy hair. She knew it settled him. Just like she didn't have any doubt in her mind that he'd be headed back to Chicago with at least one new ball cap to cover up the mess on his head by the time the trip was over. The only question was going to be if it was a Jurassic Park, a Star Wars or a Harry Potter cap. Or maybe a Tampa Rays one, if they ended up over on that side of the state for him to hunt for his shark tooth fossils. Which sounded like a pretty good excuse to sit on a beach all day to her.

"Then lunch," he mumbled.

She just made a small sound of disagreement at that too. They were passed lunch at that point and what lunch was going to be was what they could scrounge out of the lounge and maybe the salad bar at Whole Foods when they were doing their groceries.

"Disney Springs is a bit of a drive," Jay provided on her behalf. "And a lot of walking when we get there. Maybe we'll hit it up tomorrow."

"But, we should go to a park tomorrow," Eth whined. A real whine that time. The fatigue was really rearing its head. If he didn't let himself sleep soon, they might be moving into teen tantrum territory. Which would again make having that kids' bedroom awesome. Somewhere to put him and close the door while he leveled himself out and got his head back on straight. Sometimes it was ridiculous how similar the methods they used when babysitting Henry were to their day-to-day of managing a thirteen-year-old.

"What we do tomorrow is going to depend a lot on how much rest you get today, Bud," Jay put to him, giving his shoulder a little shake. "Can't do a park if you're already run off your feet."

"I'm not," Ethan spat with a little glare off his shoulder.

"You'd prove that to us a whole lot better if you went and got a bit of shut eye," Jay nodded at him.

Ethan gave a huff and flopped back against her. Erin just raised her eyebrow at Jay's effort. It might be a long week. It was at least going to be a long day. Eth was going to fight them tooth and nail about slowing down. If he didn't fall asleep in the next thirty minutes, it might be better to just take him on the couple errands and then take him down to the pool area for a bit. Maybe stick him in an inner tube and let him nap as he drifted down the lazy river.

"We were going to walk over to the park entrance area," Erin told Hank. "Talk to the main nursing station about keeping out of his injections refrigerated for us and putting a set of his meds in the medical cabinet in case anything comes up." Hank grunted some approval at that plan. "The guest services building we need to go to about his disability pass is over there too."

"Attraction Assistance Pass," Ethan grumbled. "I'm not disabled."

Erin put her chin against the crown of his head and held on to his shoulder tight. "You're right," she allowed, though there were hours, days, weeks, and months where she really didn't believe that even though that was the line they preached with him. That they had to preach to him. To get him to accept and believe. To ensure he lived up to who and what and all that he was.

"And I'm not going to use it," Ethan mumbled more. "Because I'm not disabled."

Erin just let out a little sigh and met Hank's eyes on screen. Though, they didn't technically need it, they'd brought a doctor's note explaining Eth's conditions and why he might not be able to stand in the heat and the long longs. To try to ensure that they did get issued the pass without question or argument and to try to ensure that Ethan go to enjoy as much of the parks as possible – or at least the attractions he wanted to most – without him burning out and flaring up within his first hours in the parks.

"We'll see how we do," she put to both of them – though more directed at Hank. Because it'd been another discussion she'd had with him on repeat.

So he knew that the package Jay had been able to secure for them included them getting to enter the parks an hour ahead of people just showing up at the gates. So hopefully that meant they'd be able to hit some of the headliner attractions without hour's long waits. The package had also included some kind of express pass thing, which based on their understanding would mean they'd be able bypass the main line and stand in a much shorter one for just people with that ticket upgrade. That hopefully meant too that they wouldn't be stuck in a line for hours at a time. And really, though they weren't entirely clear on how the disability pass worked, their general understanding was that if the express line was thirty minutes or less they'd just get put in it anyways. Though, it sounded like if it was more they were given some sort of special ticket that would tell them a timeframe they were allowed to come back to the ride and pretty much walk right on.

Erin wasn't really entirely sure what to expect with all of that. If it'd all work exactly the way they'd read and been told. Or just how busy the parks would be that week. Or even at a particular time of the day. Their current plan was to try to get there fairly early in the morning and stay until around lunch. To then fight a battle with Eth to get him to go back to the hotel to cool down and rest and eat – and maybe have a swim and sleep – for the bulk of the afternoon, which sounded like was when the parks were busiest and hottest. And then maybe go back for a couple hours around dinner. Though, she really didn't think they could realistically be staying until park closing. Even, though, she knew Eth would be pushing for that and would undoubtedly want to see the fireworks. She was going to just hope that they'd be able to see the fireworks and hear the booms for their room and that that would appease him and please him.

It was just another thing on the wait and see how it goes list and that they'd figure out a way to manage it as the situation developed as it developed – just like everything else with Ethan.

"We can play mini-golf if we're over there," Ethan muttered more and Erin again glanced down. His eyes were fully shut. "City Walk. They have two, Dad. Monsters and Space Invaders. They have a movie theater too. With IMAX."

Hank grunted. Though, Erin saw that he was again staring at his little boy who was fighting sleep and seemingly failing badly. Thankfully.

"Not tonight, Kid," Jay said flatly and Erin felt his eyes watching Eth's loosing battle too.

"Then we should have dinner at the Sports Grill and Brew," Eth pushed out sleepily. "It has like two-hundred TVs and the Cubs are playing. Dodgers."

"Afternoon game, Kiddo," Hank provided. "Game's likely already started."

Ethan stirred a little at that and gazed at his dad with silted eyes. Erin stroked on his forehead again.

"There you go, Magoo," Erin said into his hair. "How about Jay helps you get the TV set up in your room and you can watch the game before we go do our few errands …"

Her real hope was that Eth would fall asleep near as soon as his head hit the pillow – whether the game was on or not. And hopefully that nap would span longer than the game and maybe her and Jay could take turns running out to get the two separate errands done – without Ethan underfoot or providing his input. Then she might be willing to entertain going down to the pool for a couple hours in the evening or exploring some of the other family-friendly and kid-friendly amenities at the hotel.

Ethan made a small sound of agreement and slipped out from under her arm, pressing himself back to his feet. He teetered a little without his crutches and without his brace on and Jay hopped to his feet too, gripping Eth's shoulder before he could stumble.

"C'mon, Big Guy, lets see if the TV they gave you is any better than what they stuck us with in here," he provided.

"Bye, Dad …," Ethan muttered.

"Hey …," Hank rasped and Ethan glanced back down to where Erin was still propping up the iPad. "Love you," he said simply.

"Love you too …," Eth allowed and started his unsteady gait to the next room.

Erin watched as Jay followed after him, her eyes staying there until they disappeared into the bedroom. She looked back down to Hank.

"You going to be OK with all this?" Hank put to her.

She nodded. "Sure," she allowed. Because they'd talked about it and talked about it. And she knew how to look after her little brother. She'd spent years taking care of him in varying capacities. She could survive getting him through a week in an American city at a fancy resort with theme parks, restaurants, groceries stores, first aid stations and hospitals all minutes away. It wasn't like she'd taken him into the Heart of Darkness and down the Congo River and labeled it as a holiday.

"The set-up they got there going to make it do-able? Or you want me—"

"Hank," she put to him firmly, "we've got it under control. It's going to be fine."

His tongue set into his cheek and he stared at her. His eyes with that look of his. The one where he was trying to hide the more going on under them. The real, breathing, feeling human man – the father – that existed there within him but that he often didn't want to let anyone see or know. Other than them.

"Just … take care of him," he finally said.

Erin gazed at him for a long beat and then allowed a slight nod. "Always."

Because she always had. She always would. She always will. Always.

 **AUTHOR NOTES: Your readership, comments, feedback and reviews are appreciated.**


	14. Jurassic Moment

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

Jay stopped his passive examination of Ethan, intermingled with gazing out the window every time one of the Jurassic Park river raft came hurdling down it's hill – sending up a huge wake and invoking far louder than necessary shrieks out of the passengers.

They'd been sitting in the air-conditioned restaurant for a while. Cooling down and resting. Eth had actually almost nodded off while he was smiling around his gnawing efforts on a cob of corn. It'd been when he'd actually nodded enough that the thing had slipped out of his hand and tumbled to his plate still holding his giant smoked turkey leg that he'd startled back awake.

Eth had insisted it wanted the fucking turkey leg for lunch. But almost as soon as he'd taken a bite out of it, he'd decided he didn't like it. So he'd instead been picking off the shared BBQ chicken and rib platter that him and Erin had ordered.

If they were assholes, they likely could've told him to eat the fucking $12 turkey leg. But you didn't do shit like that with Eth when it came to food. Getting him to eat and finding something he could eat was a fucking chore. The roasted chicken and smoked ribs were just as safe for his dietary restrictions as the turkey leg supposedly was. And he actually was eating some of the chicken – that actually looked like a chicken leg. So they were letting him.

It wasn't like it really mattered. The plate of food was more than enough for two people, and with the way Eth ate, sharing it with a third wasn't a big deal. It was actually staggeringly astonishing they served it as a one-person meal. Sort of like the turkey leg – which in no way could be a natural turkey – and definitely could've likely fed a family of four and not just a single kid who was just a couple weeks off his latest dose of cytoxan.

Chemo didn't exactly do much for the appetite. But Eth was still convinced he wanted to try everything he could, or at least see every restaurant gimmick he could, on this trip. And he also was milking the fact that they seemed to be showing him a bit more leeway in his diet than anyone – but particularly his dad – gave him on the daily basis at home. Hence the corn.

But he was likely somewhat blissfully unaware of the extensive negotiations they'd had with Hank on that front. And how it'd included talking to his pediatric neurologist, his dietician and getting secondary in-house opinions from Will and Natalie to make that happen. And that those extra pills that had been added into his evening mix in the lead up to this trip. Working to prepare his guts, intestines and bowels for the diet variation and hopefully not have him end up with inflammation or candida in his gastrointestinal track. Which would undoubtedly send them into flare territory.

He'd also been upgraded to basically military-grade probiotics. Handfuls of meds on handfuls of meds with a smattering of supplements and vitamins. But it did mean he was getting some corn that trip. And they weren't going to have be militant about his consumption of potatoes – even of the fries or chip variety. Or any other nightshades, grains or starches in general. Basically, they could relax a bit. And even though they still had to be ridiculously consonant of everything Eth put into his body – hence spending a stupid amount of time up at the counter of this place looking through their allergy guide and ingredient lists before putting in their order – it will felt like a bit of a vacation. At least compared to their usual mealtimes with Eth. Not as many adjustments and restrictions.

And, because of that negotiation and preparation, though, they hadn't publicized it to Eth yet – because they were going to wait and see how him and his gut and his pain and inflammation coped with getting corn and potatoes in his system – he might even get a couple treats as the trip went on. They might be able to let him have some sugar and some yeast. He might get to have a Butterbeer over in Harry Potter World that he kept talking endlessly about. He might get an actual burger or hot dog on a bun. He might get to order a gluten-free and dairy-free dessert off a menu. But, they weren't telling him that – in case this corn introduction went to utter shit.

Would suck if that happened, though. Because the kid had literally glowed when he'd been leaning against the counter staring up at the pictogram menu board and had conceded he'd have a salad as the side with his turkey leg, only to get told by Erin that he could have the corn-on-the-cob. A smile had just spread across the kid's face as he gazed at her and straightened. He'd clearly been scared to question her on it – in case she reneged on the offer. But he'd nodded eagerly and just provided an, "OK, yea, that."

It was sort of funny how food could become like that for you. For any person, really, it seemed. When you didn't have it – or have access to all the tastes and memories and comforts and sated it created – you missed it. He'd experienced that himself while he was overseas. So he could understand on some level. There'd be a lot of talk about what you were going to eat when you got back stateside or on R&R. Big ol' Porterhouse with fucking garlic mash and all the fixings was already at the top of his list. And a fucking cold IPA. Ice cold. Condensation on the bottle. Out of the cooler. Up at the cabin. Steak done up on the campfire. Not exactly creative. But it was what he wanted. Because getting any of that in Afghanistan? Just wasn't possible. And even when they did get a decent meal in the mess, if they happened to be in camp for any amount of time on some sort of holiday or when some bigwig was marching through to rally the troops, the food just didn't compare to back home. To what you remembered. The tastes you could still taste somewhere in your memories. It couldn't. Not in a fucking army mess tent in the middle of the fucking sand.

So he could appreciate how excited Eth got when he got the chance to mix things up a bit. To have something he ranked as his favorite and hardly ever got to have anymore. And Eth – he wasn't just looking at it as a matter of finishing up tour and then he'd get home and get to protein load and carb load or go for the sugar coma and just binge to his heart's content. This was just fucking life for Eth. His dietary restrictions weren't going to change. Maybe they'd change slightly with more research into aggressive progressive pediatric M.S. But, Jay wasn't going to cross his fingers on that. The docs – even Will admitted – didn't seem to know shit about what really caused M.S. or how to treat it, even when it came to dealing with the more common relapsing-remitting adult version of the disease. So they pumped the body full of steroids when people got into an exacerbation. They treated and managed any of the other potentially life-threatening diseases and complications this fucking thing seemed to aggravate. And other than that they just tried to manage the symptoms individually with medication and lifestyle changes. Diet, rest, and physical activity. It got fucking preached at them.

So this was Eth's life. And it was a weird reality for Jay to fully frame for himself. To entirely understand. Because they were talking about a thirteen-year-old kid here who, though he wouldn't likely have the 80 years of life expectancy of most American men, would hopefully still be looking at a nice, long life ahead of him. But that life wasn't likely going to include much in the way of gluten, refined grains, diary, sugar, nightshades, yeast and a whole other arm-length of restrictions depending on what particular symptoms he was dealing with in a given month. That was a lot of tastes he wouldn't get to know. That was something that was going to affect his social interactions. It was going to isolate him more in all these weird fucking ways that as Eth started to have more friends and want to go hang out with them they were only just starting to wrap their heads around. Basically any party or social gathering or dance that wasn't being hosted for the kids over at RIC was bound to be a fucking disaster and a major headache.

Evan's fucking so-called dad was so fucking lucky Erin had been with him when they'd picked Eth up at that birthday party. Because he'd been about ready to punch the guy in the fucking face when he saw the whole food and social situation going on there. The guy was clearly fucking clueless about dealing with kids with any sort of differences. You'd think he'd know better with a kid of his own dealing with some of the shit. But it wasn't exactly like he was around beyond when he wanted to be showy and stick it to Gwen about how she mothered and cared for Evan. An asshole. A royal asshole who didn't even want to let Evan have any of his RIC buddies at his party and then when they'd been allowed to come had clearly either put no effort into recognizing some of these kids would need accommodations or had purposely made it fucking difficult for them to be there. Asshole.

Though, Jay got that accommodating Eth when it came to diet was fucking hard. It was really hard. Ignatius tried in the cafeteria but had ended up reaching some sort of agreement with Hank where they sent home the menu for the month and the list of ingredients for each item that would be on offer. Hank got to fucking go through a month early and basically pick out which days and food items Eth could have. A FUCKING MONTH AHEAD OF TIME. Or write in adjustments that needed to be made. And if there wasn't something that Eth could eat there that day, he'd get brown bagged. Either way, it just made Eth more of a fucking mark at school because he didn't get to go through the line and pick out his food at lunch with everyone else and Jay didn't think he ever ate breakfast at the place. Instead, he just went right over to the check-out and they had the meal already trayed up for him. And on the days they didn't, he just took his lunch bag and found a table. Just another visible reminder to all the kids that he was different. Like they needed more.

They usually only had Eth two or three nights a week, but even accommodating him on those days was rough. They'd gotten sort of lazy about it. Partially because they were usually tired by the time they got home and then had to feed him and do homework with him and try to spend time with him. It was easiest to just fucking put out a salad and some chicken breast or do up some omelets. Though, they'd both mastered a handful of dishes that were things Eth could eat and didn't taste half bad. But they could all get a little redundant. So it could really suck when you had to eat with Ethan. You didn't want to be eating all sorts of things in front of him that he couldn't have. And even when they took him out for dinner – they ended up picking a place that might not be at the top of their list because it actually had something that Eth could eat or was a place they'd learned through trial-and-error had a kitchen staff that was willing to make accommodations and bring out some sort of special bland dish for the kid. But even that affected what you ordered. Because you didn't want to be chowing down on the battered chicken wings he couldn't have when they were on his list of favorite foods – but were now something he could only eat at home or at a few select places. You had to remind yourself that outside of the time you were with Eth, you could eat whatever the fuck you wanted. So, you just … picked something else when he was with you. Most of the time. Sometimes, Eth just had to learn to accept the harsh reality that life wasn't fair and sometimes people where going to have things in their life that he didn't – including wings and dessert.

Still, there was part of Jay that was in a backward way grateful that him and Erin had to accommodate Eth a few nights a week. That they'd have to accommodate him this trip. Because at least it kind of kept them on track with their lifestyle and diet too. Because, Jay was pretty sure that if it was just him and Erin feeding themselves, he'd sort of go off the rails. He was way more into watching what he put into his body than her. It'd lead to some interesting conversations and sort of a weird way of understanding the various baggage they'd both come away with from their upbringings. So fucking fucked up how childhood could so fucking affect your self-image and body image and relationship with food and overall health. And it'd clearly fucked them up in their own separate ways.

Erin could eat. There was actually something … oddly attractive about it. That they could go to a fucking Mexican place and she didn't just order a salad and eat fucking two chips with salsa at a snail's pace. No. She ordered the burrito. She had the tacos. She could tuck away more food than him. And she didn't get all fucking weird about eating in front of him. Even if it was some greasy burger bigger than her head or about two pounds of honey-hot wings all on her own while not even remotely trying to equally share the basket of fresh cut fries. She just ate what she wanted. When and how she wanted. He'd made some vague comment about it once at Voight's place. Something in the context of her eating like a teenaged boy. And the guy had just grunted acknowledgement and provided, "Yea. Ate us out of house and home worse than Justin. Making up for lost time." And that had pretty much stopped Jay from ever making any sort of comment – seriously or teasingly – to either Erin or Voight again.

And, he didn't really need to make a comment anyways. Erin's metabolism seemed to still be able to handle how she ate. And it wasn't like she sat on her ass stuffing her face with a bag of potato chips nightly. She could still kick most people's asses at the boxing gym. And, he'd made the mistake of thinking he wanted to go to a fucking spin class with her once. But apparently that was some sort of competitive sport. He'd come away drenched in sweat and his thighs and calves screaming at him as he tried to "beat" her at the damn class. She'd barely broken a sweat.

But the reality was that he knew his body couldn't manage eating the way she did. He needed to have his protein shakes and almond milk and green juices and ate his kale and pick salad over fries no matter how soccer mom that was and went with the brown rice whenever he had the option. He still carb loaded and protein loaded but in a different way – a more planned way – than her. But, he knew that if they didn't have Eth over a few nights a week – and then have the leftovers from whatever it was they fed him that night available – he'd likely be slowly falling into Erin's eating patterns. Which would only serve to give him that gut that Will was starting to develop as he progressed through his thirties. Definitely wanted to avoid that. And just wanted to avoid all the cancer causing chemicals and shit that came in all the fucking boxed and processed Frankenfood that Americans seemed to love to consume. Eat themselves to death.

But Eth's reaction at the lunch counter definitely suggested he probably sort of thought they were sticking it to Voight. That they were letting him have the corn after Jay didn't think the kid got corn-on-the-cob once last summer despite repeatedly asking for it. And those were just the times Jay had heard him beg for it to be included in a summer barbecue. He was sure Voight had heard it near daily. But it wasn't about Voight. They'd gotten his sign-off. He seemed to get just how fucking hard it might potentially be to get regular meals with a healthy, medically-approved diet into Eth. So if letting some corn and potatoes into it – and paying for an extra 'script to try to keep them from wrecking havoc on his system – made it easier, he was willing to accommodate that.

Eth likely thought his old man was a pain in the ass when it came to his meals and what he consumed. Even though, the kid had seen what deviating from the diet too much – or too many times or too excessively – could do to his body. He'd paid the price before. And, he got preached at by his doctors and therapists and dietician regularly too. It wasn't just Voight. It wasn't just them.

And, the reality was, that Voight fucking tried to switch it up for the kid and keep it interesting. And that was time consuming and expensive. Two things that Voight didn't have a ton of with his job. But two things he seemed to try to make sure he provided for his family. Still, even as a decent enough cook – who seemed to generally enjoy to make meals for his family – Voight only had so much fucking leeway he could work with when it came to Eth. And he knew that too.

So, he clearly tried to make sure the kid got some occasional treats that wouldn't do him in but would keep him from feeling left out. Special occasions. Holidays. Birthdays. It was the reason Voight had handed Erin some fucking gluten-free, diary-free, sugar-free "chocolate" Easter egg to get jammed into their luggage for them to have out for Eth on Sunday morning. Though, Jay wasn't sure it had quite survived the trip intact enough that it was going to look anything like an egg. But, he was sure the kid would be thrilled about it.

And that was the other reality about Voight. As much as he could go off the fucking leash. As much of the fucking moody-ass, temperamental attitude he projected at work. The his way or the highway demeanor. The just don't give a shit what you think. That was work. And it was persona. For the District, for the job, for the street. It wasn't the guy he was at home. Still strict. Still a stick up his ass a lot of the time. But he was also that guy who spent a fucking arm and a leg on some fucking egg that he'd likely had ordered in special by one of his "guys" so Eth could have a treat on Easter. Like being in Florida on a fucking theme park holiday wasn't treat enough.

But there was work Voight, street Voight and home Voight. He might not care what people thought of him up in the Ivory Tower and he might only care that he had a tough guy reputation on the street – but he fucking cared what the people in his home life thought of him. Really and clearly. Jay had seen that on repeat.

And it was such a fucking juxtaposition to his own father. His own upbringing. Where his dad didn't give a shit what they thought of him or how they saw him, but he sure as fucking cared about what the rest of the people around him thought. How they saw him and the illusion he created for them – for himself and his family – to live in. The contrast still fucking threw Jay so much sometimes. He still was trying to wrap his head around it and rectify it. To come to terms with what a father and husband looked like. And what kind of father and husband he wanted to be. And how the job fit into all of that.

He didn't exactly want to be Voight. But even with all the shit choices Voight had made when it came to his family – ones that Jay didn't entirely approve of – he would still take parenting lessons from him over his own dad. In the end, though, he knew he was his own man. He'd be his own man. On the job and in his family. And as a father. He was just trying to learn what he could a long the way. Before he got to that destination and didn't know what the fuck he was doing. Had to believe he'd be OK when he got there, though. If anything, Eth was a pretty good crash course in what parenting – and parenthood – might look like.

This trip was definitely going to be another fucking crash course. A big one. A test of patience. Knew it might test his and Erin's relationship some too. He sort of figured that the only way they were going to make it through the week, though, without losing their minds – or feeding Eth to the gators that he fucking wanted to see and not in a fucking zoo – was in as a unified front. Team effort. Partnership. Just like work. And from the way Voight preached when he decided to provide one of his three sentence tutorials on how he saw marriage and parenthood was just how these things were supposed to look and work. Not that he'd grown up with that example. Or that Erin had had it until her teens. Or it was what Eth was growing up with now. Though, Jay supposed the kid was getting a united front in a different kind of way. A takes a village kind of way. Or maybe just the way a fucking family was supposed to look like and work – even if you didn't share genetics.

And, if him and Erin couldn't manage to survive the week without completely telling off Eth – at least the week would've likely provided some kind of ultimate birth control.

Actually, looking at a lot of the kids in the park with their parents was proving to be a bit of an education in birth control. There were some fucking badly behaved kids all fucking over place. And not just little guys who were exhausted and overwhelmed with all the sensory stimulation that was going on in this place. There was clearly a whole lot of spoiled brats in sight. And just entitled little bastards. And then some generally piss poor parenting.

Jay was trying to be forgiving when he saw like the pre-schoolers having meltdowns. But he wasn't overly forgiving by nature. And the reality was at fucking Universal – or at least the park they were in and the section or island or whatever the fuck they'd labeled it was – didn't seemed to really attract the grade school types. So the spoiled, entitled brats he was seeing were mostly Eth's age group. Tweens and teens. That ten to seventeen-year-old bracket. Though, he definitely thought he was seeing some college-aged kids supposedly on family vacations who were being just as fucking bratty.

There were a whole lot of kids who were just being moody assholes to their parents – and the rest of their families … grandparents, little siblings. Lip and demeanor. Verbal arguments and that fucking stand-off-ishness that he wouldn't say that Eth didn't do – at home. But he would say that at least so far, him and Erin didn't tolerate it and his dad definitely didn't take that shit at home without him facing some type of consequence about it. And it wasn't even just that that was bugging Jay a bit. That sort of bullshit you sort of expected from kids in that age range. The shit that was pissing him off more was the kids who had headphone on or were buried in their phones or dragging twenty feet behind their family like they wanted to disown them. Not going on rides or shows or sitting at a different table from their folks at the fucking restaurant. Just doing the fucking pout show like they were too fucking cool and good for this family holiday that their parents had likely picked out specifically for them and spent a hell of a lot of money on.

Basically, they were barely a half-day into their first park with Eth and he'd already realized they were in a bit of a sweet spot with him. To start – that kind of shit wasn't taken lightly at home, so even though there was some fatigued whining going on and some minor power struggles about what the kid thought he wanted to do in a particular moment and them pulling the grown-up card and telling him how that moment was actually going to play out, he sure as fuck wasn't trying to exert the full-on 'I'm a teenager and don't give two fucks' show. Then they had a kid with them who actually wanted to be there. So that fucking helped too.

But it wasn't just that. It was that Eth was just a nice kid. He was a grateful kid. He hadn't done a lot of things that didn't just involve museums in the city and ball or camping and fishing with his fam. And, even though that was good wholesome shit – the kind of things that Jay really wanted to be able to do with his own kids some day if this whole 'vacation as birth control' thing didn't play out – it did mean he was ripe for other experiences. He was hungry for them. Especially with being a teen now and going into high school and having some allowance money to be able to buy and do things on his own and having some buddies and being old enough and trusted enough he was semi-allowed to get from certain Point As to Point Bs and allowed occasional unsupervised time at home and at Evan's place. And then there was the whole being surrounded by the fucking Richie Riches at Ignatius. The whole keeping up with the Jones thing that with Eth was really just this desperate plea to fit in – even just a little bit. Even though they all kind of seemed to know that he'd never exactly fit.

Five hours in the park and the reality that Eth didn't quite fit was staring them in the face again. But not in a bad way. In a way that had them in that nice little window. The one that they knew too well was likely going to be closing in a matter of months. That he'd keep growing up and changing and being corrupted by life and society. But that little window they were in – that sweet spot – it kind of made Jay believe that even though this week or so was going to be a fucking trip – a fucking effort – that it'd be OK. That it'd be fun. Even to just watch him. To see this kid interact with all of it and how he found ways to cope with it all.

Eth was right in that prime spot. That one where even though he was thirteen – he still had some kid in him. He wasn't quite a teenager yet. High school – and the kids there – hadn't quite corrupted him yet. That even though life had done its best to beat him down and throw him some curve balls, there was still that little boy in there. It was sort of this weird mixed blessing that he was learning came with Eth's brain injury.

That Eth being TBI manifested itself in some really frustrating and annoying ways. That he could have moody and almost volatile states (that you partially wanted to say was just a teenager or just him having Voights genes but other times was so fucking abundantly clear it was more than that). That his concentration and his ability to focus could be sketchy. That he was a slow reader and slow at learning new things that were just pressed at him verbally or through books. But it also sort of … enshrined … this little boyness in him. That despite all the shit that he'd been through that had caused him to grow up and try to figure out how to cope with things bigger than him – there was this little bit of immaturity that could be endearing. And it could be fun. And it sort of made up for all the fucking frustrating moments where Jay questioned how the fuck he got involved in any of this.

And it was those little moments that just made the spot they were in with him that much more of prime real estate. Because Eth was still that kid who just really wanted to have the time of his life at the theme park and wasn't completely and utterly embarrassed by being at the theme park and the reality that he loved dinosaurs and was there to see Harry Potter and Star Wars.

Though that little boy enthusiasm away from all the assholes at Ignatius was prompting them to have to have some talks with him about how he spent his money. Because basically they were in Jurassic Park – and if Eth had his way, he'd pretty much buy out every gift store in the whole park. The kid was clearly losing his mind with all the dinosaur stuff in the stores. And it'd definitely taken a bit of convincing that buying the fucking paleontologist vest likely wasn't smart. Nor was adding even more plastic toy dinosaurs to his collection. Nor did he need every fucking branded tshirt in the place. And that he definitely couldn't afford "real amber" jewelry or "real mammoth ivory" knickknack crap.

They'd seemed to put a stop to the shopping spree for the moment by indicating that they didn't want to be dragging his newly purchased crap with them all day in the heat and through the lines and on the rides. So – he could pick his SOUVENIR – SINGULAR – on the way out. That apparently was reasonable in his mind. But Jay wasn't going to be entirely convinced until they did make a break for it and Eth evitable wanted to go in the store again and make his purchases.

PURCHASES – PLURAL – because ever since they'd laid down the law about not buying until they were leaving, he'd been talking about what he was going to buy and it sure as fuck wasn't singular. Every time they put up an argument about how much he might get made fun of about a particular purchase or how bright (or completely stupid) it might be to wear something like that to Ignatius on a Civies Day, then he instead started listing off things that he might get for Henry or souvenirs for Eva and Avery (that Jay was pretty sure neither of them wanted). And even taking that out of it, it sounded like Eth fully intended to walk out of the park with a Jurassic Park baseball ("But not one I'll ever use. It will just look killer on my shelf. IN A CASE."), a new shirt (even though he already had two Jurassic Park shirts and at least three more dinosaur shirts in his dresser), and these little diecasts of vehicles from the movies (most of which Jay was pretty sure were never in the movies. And more than that, Olive had tracked down two packs of these things back at Christmas. Her packs had two of the vehicles in them each. And it'd come up in conversation that she'd picked them up as two for five bucks. Four vehicles for five bucks. The ones Eth was looking at in the souvenir shop? Six bucks for one fucking thing.).

They'd have to budget time for that visit – because Eth and decisions didn't go well. Especially when there were that many options in front of him. It usually worked better if you narrowed down the options for him. Took him to a specific store with a specific inventory and told him his specific budget and then gave him a narrow field of choice. That wasn't really working here. And they still had to visit Harry Potter land and Star Wars land. That might be their sole grace – reminding him that he would want to have some money left when they go to those two places. But to Eth, Jay wouldn't be surprised, if dinosaurs and Jurassic Park out-ranked them on the spending priority list. They clearly had on the park visit list – though, in reality, him and Erin had decided to just come over to Dino Island first to get it out of the way so that hopefully they wouldn't have to listen to him talk about it all week. Though, now that they'd been there, Jay was pretty sure they'd still have to listen to him talk about it all week. Because he was going to want to come back.

It was one of those moments where you felt more like you were parenting then just being … whatever the fuck it was that he was. Brother-in-law? Big brother? Friend of Eth's sister? Guy who worked for his dad? Sometimes Jay wasn't really sure of what his title was or how Eth saw him.

But there were other moments that even though the title wasn't clear – he knew Eth saw him … as something. Or he saw Eth as something. Someone.

Like that morning when the first aid station attendant had handed them the bracelet that contained all Eth's emergency medical information and emergency contact info and had the little scan thing for if they did end up using the disability line. That it'd been handed to him as Erin dealt with signing in and cataloguing Eth's medications. And the attendant had just nodded at him but said to Eth, "I'll let Dad help you get that on" of the heavy duty Velcro on the canvas band. And Eth hadn't corrected the guy or blinked an eye about it. Maybe the kid hadn't noticed. But Jay had. And he didn't feel himself cringe when the guy said it either. And he didn't jump down his throat to correct him either. Because it wasn't worth it. And because even though he wasn't Eth's dad – he also wasn't just some guy at his dad's work and wasn't just Erin's boyfriend or friend or partner.

That'd actually hit home even harder when they were walking through the park. Making the beeline for the Jurassic Park area. Seeing that fucking iconic gate towering. Hearing the fucking theme song blasting through the speakers so you were all getting your own individual moment of stepping through. And seeing that done-up Jeep seeing just inside. For as fucking kitschy as it was, Jay had felt that stir of childhood hitting him too. It looked way fucking better than he expected. But it must've been overwhelming to Eth. Because his hand had come off his crutch, it'd grabbed his, squeezed it. Just for a split second. But it was there. And Jay had looked down at it – a little taken off guard because Eth didn't do that. They didn't do much touching. Jay didn't do much casual touching with anyone. But there it was. At little, excited touch that he knew Eth didn't even know he'd done. But he'd done.

It only lasted a second. Maybe less. Before it dropped away and the kid pointed at the gate. "Look," he'd declared like they were fucking blind. Like they couldn't see it. Couldn't hear it. And his eyes were as wide as saucers. Just fucking awe struck. And then he'd been off – like a fucking shot. Wasn't waiting for him and Erin anymore. He was going to get through that gate first. And he did. He'd left him and Erin behind to follow after him – and it was her hand that had gripped his then. Just … casually. She'd given him a smile. Knowing, amused, of thanks. Or just … a smile. Maybe it didn't need to mean anything. Beyond that they stepped through that gate hand-in-hand. Together.

It was this strange stirring in him in that moment, though. Those moments. That walk-up. With his girl. With Eth so fucking excited. So fucking awe struck. As annoying as it was on some level, it was also so fucking contagious. And Jay found himself wishing that maybe he'd had some sort of moment like that with his own brother. Or with his mom. Or anything even remotely resembling it with is own father in some minuscule way. Maybe he sort of felt bad for Voight that he didn't get to see – or feel – that moment. Maybe that Justin wasn't there to get to see it – if he could've fucking brought himself to care and to tolerate all that Eth having that moment entailed. Or maybe it made him think about what it'd be like to have that moment when the awe-struck little boy was a kid of his own that he was watching go charging into his dinosaur fantasy.

It was strange. Before Eth he hadn't really wanted to be a father. He thought he'd likely be a shit one and he'd probably screw up any kids he did have. Badly. And then even as that changed and shifted – as spending time with the awesome little weirdo that was Erin's younger brother – convinced him that he might actually not just want kids but might enjoy it and might be good at it. But then he'd sort of worried about all that other bullshit. All the what-ifs when it came to kids. If they had some sort of disability. Or were autistic. Or if they got sick. Or they got hurt. Just how the fuck do you protect them and take care of them in that situation. How do you feel about them or yourself. Do they just become this burden. Is it just this lifelong struggle where you end up feeling guilty for having brought them into the world and inflicted all that on them. Knowing that they'd never have a "normal" life, whatever the fuck that was.

But Eth had changed and adjusted that perspective for him too. Because even though there were good days and there were bad days with him. That sometimes it was hard. And you worried about him. And he could be a lot of work. And incredibly frustrating. And different situations he encountered or things he had to endure just could get you down. It made you sad for him. It made you worry about his future. And sometimes you just needed some space or a break from him. But even in all of that, him and Erin – they'd dealt with repeated situations where Jay knew they could do it.

If they had a kid with a learning disability or a physical disability or a medical condition or a kid who got sick or a kid who got hurt or a kid who was bullied or a loner or had no friends or started getting into whatever kind of addiction … videogames, drugs, alcohol … they could fucking deal with it. And even though it'd be hard and frustrating and sad – it wouldn't change how they felt about that kid.

Because Ethan was a fucking amazing kid. He was strong, brave, smart in his own ways. Just a sensitive, caring kid. And he had a future – a bright one – whether it was particularly "normal" or not. And as much of an annoying little fuck Eth could be – he'd still become one of Jay's favorite people to hang out with.

And even though love was a confusing concept for Jay. It felt like a fucking minefield a lot of time. Too many layers and obstacles to navigate. Especially with the baggage he still carried on his back. But, he knew somewhere deep down that what he felt for Eth – what it'd evolved into – was some kind of love. And if he felt that way about Eth – that strongly about him – whatever his and Erin's genetics threw at them in their creation of a little person … or people … he knew he'd feel even more strongly. And more deeply. And they'd just fucking deal with whatever came their way with that kid's life and situation. Because it they'd be their kid. And they'd love them. No matter what.

He supposed that was the give and take of parenting. The pluses and the minuses. The concessions you made. The acceptances you had to come to.

And they were definitely dealing with a lot of pluses and minuses, acceptances and concessions that day. They likely would be all trip. But maybe that'd what it'd end up being about – not the vacation.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: So I know that was epically long and not much dialogue. It's actually going to be "Part 1" of this chapter because it's still going. And I just decided to post this much now, as then you get an update, where as writing the rest might take me another 1-7 days depending on stuff. Beyond that how I'm structuring the chapter is a little different than my plans when I started writing it. Don't worry Part 2 will be a lot more action narrative (of their day) and dialogue than this interior monologue of Jay. Though, I know some readers are fans of Jay interior monologue. So there you go …**

 **I will post Part 2 as a separate chapter when it's done. I might go back and combine them together a week or so after they're both complete. I'll let you know my thoughts on that when I finish Part 2.**

 **As always, your readership, thoughts, comments and feedback are appreciated.**

 **For the fans of the Florida chapters who were really requesting it additional feedback on what you hope to see highlighted might be nice. I'm not sure how many Florida chapters I'm going to do. I might do a Star Wars one. I have some thoughts of others … Harry Potter, beach day, Kennedy Space Center, shark teeth, debrief back home, etc. But I'm not sure how much I'll flog this out. I might do a from Hank's POV back home (either what he's doing or how he's coping without Eth or him doing another FaceTime moment but from his POV rather than Erin's). If you're going to give feedback on that — don't tell me you want an M chapter while they're on vacation. I know there's a group that ALWAYS wants an M chapter - so, yes, I'm already aware there's a group of you who need it spelled out that they're likely having sex on their vacation rather than just using your own imaginations.**

 **I have some ideas for chapters/scenes outside of the Florida trip realm, so depending on how many I do and/or how inspired or distracted I get in other directions, I might back track or flash forward to other moments.**

 **Again, sorry it's interior monologue heavy. But at least you're getting an update. And the next part will have more description of what they've been up to and Jay and Erin chatter, with some Eth lines too.**

 **Oh, and of note for the chapters/scenes that do involve the amusement parks. There are going to be some made up rides and some rides that may not exist at the Orlando parks anymore but might still exist at one of their other locations. But it's fiction — and I'm going to try to create an environment and experience that is reflective of the characters interests, etc. So you don't need to tell me that the Flying Dinosaur doesn't exist (apparently it does … in Universal Japan) or that Back to the Future isn't there anymore or that Fast and the Furious isn't opened yet or that the Walking Dead scare house is in Hollywood, etc. I know — or likely know or I just completely made it up. And the same will likely be true for the when/if I write a chapter with them doing the Star Wars attractions at Disney. So any theme park freaks who take the rides super seriously … it's OK. I'm sorry this park doesn't really exist. And for people who plan their trip to Orlando based on Eth, Erin and Jay's trip … well … sorry that they are likely going to get to go on different rides than you'll find there. Also not my fault.**

 **Enjoy.**


	15. Turning Blue

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

 **PLEASE NOTE: The chapter immediately before this (Jurassic Moment) was posted earlier tonight. Please don't miss it. As this is Part 2 of that chapter/scene. There will a Part 3 posted in coming days. See a note at the bottom for details on the how and why — or if you're reading this weeks or months later, how this might not be relevant anymore …**

So … concession of the day … one of them … of many … they'd gotten Eth the turkey leg. That was stupidly overpriced. That looked disgusting. And that they knew even if he thought it was delicious, there was no way in hell he'd be able to eat it all. But he'd been happy about it. Just like he'd been happy about the fucking cob of corn.

That was the thing with Eth, though. Another thing that made him special. That made him tolerable and likeable as a kid. That set him apart from the other teenagers there maybe. He was pretty fucking easy to impress. It wasn't like he wanted for things. He was well taken care of. And he definitely got some generous treats and gifts above and beyond basic necessities. But Voight didn't give him a flashy life. As crushing the realities of life had been for Ethan, he'd also been kind of sheltered. So a fucking theme park, a fucking turkey leg as big as his head, a cob of corn when he hadn't had one for likely close to two years – that was pretty fucking exciting for him. It was stuff that made him light up.

Though, Jay doubted he'd be asking for another turkey leg for the rest of the trip now that he'd been indulged. And they wouldn't be investing in another one of the disgusting things. It was basically a ball of grease. That might do a bigger number on his system than the corn. Not that he'd eaten much of the turkey before he'd decided to eat off their plate. Though, he'd promptly declared his dad's ribs were better and then stuck with stripping pieces of their chicken leg away and focusing on that corn cob.

That is until he nodded off for that split second and dropped it. It'd been slightly amusing. But they'd refrained from busting his balls about it. They'd had a ball busting incident at the beginning of the day that had pretty much put a halt to the teasing for the moment.

After they'd gotten into the Jurassic Park section and managed to peel Eth away from wanting to do what amounted to a Calendar Girl photo shoot with the Jeep, they'd gone over to the Flying Dinosaur coaster to just check it out. They figured they should gauge it first since it was one of the newer rides at the park and was likely going to get slammed with endless lines after the park opened up its gates to everyone and not just hotel guests and early entry ticket holders. It was already a twenty-five minute wait when they arrived.

They stood watching it go around its track a few times. It swished down into the water and put up a bit of awake and swooped past the waterfall coming down the edge of one of the mountains. But other wise it looked pretty tame. There were some gasps and cries coming out of the riders but it seemed to mostly be on those close calls – which really didn't look that bad.

Eth had decided he wanted to do it. Because it didn't look like a real rollercoaster to him. It wasn't like the Incredible Hulk they'd walked by or Goliath they'd seen at Six Flags. And, maybe Jay was a little too psyched to actually get to go on a coaster, because he'd been sort of preparing himself for the inevitability that he wouldn't get on any. Or that he'd have to ride them alone if he wanted to. Which would just be lame. And Erin had seemed pretty keen too. They should've clued in that maybe it wasn't the right introductory rollercoaster for Eth when they got to the entrance and the attendant there had still wanted to measure him. Should've clued in more when this kid that still hadn't hit puberty yet and had a dad who was maybe about 5'10" just barely passed the muster to be allowed to get on the coaster. But they'd decided to play blind to that.

Eth didn't seem deterred either. But he was probably expecting them to say something. To tell him he shouldn't go on rollercoasters or that a rollercoaster definitely shouldn't be his first experience at the theme parks. But they hadn't. Instead they'd gone through the queue area that was all done up like the Aviary in the Jurassic Park 3 and Jurassic World. It actually was pretty fucking cool and made the 25 minutes go by super fast. Though, they were pretty much getting a guided tour from Ethan and a crash course on the accuracies and inaccuracies of the various animatronic petersoaurs that were squawking at them in there. Not to mention, a paleontological commentary about ptreanondons versus dimorphodons versus anurognathuses, which were so fucking in detail and specific that the woman with two kids in front of them actually turned around and started asking him questions like he was the real fucking Dr. Grant.

And maybe all that had distracted them from really looking too far back out the queue enclosure and seeing just how fast the Flying Dinosaur trains were swooping by. They didn't exactly look quite as graceful and slow moving close up as they did from the distance they'd been standing before getting in the line.

But they'd all stuck it out fine until they got into the final caroled area snaking up-and-down to the loading platform. It was then that the real realization hit that it was a flying coaster. That it wasn't just legs dangling – it was an all out Superman. With them strapping you in and then the ride tilting up – taking your feet off the ground and leaving you looking straight down at what was below. And with the way the supports and harness was in the seats, you weren't going to be able to look up – you'd be looking at the ground and water swooping past below you the entire ride. And each time they hit that button to levitate the riders, they let out grasps. There were hollers and cheers as the train started moving forward – clicking up the first incline. And then they were out of sight but there was that unmistakable pop of the coaster going over the edge and the scream of the riders as it did.

And all of that was a little much Eth. He started to get fidgetedy. He started to express that he wasn't so sure about the ride. But him and Erin had made the mistake of playing big sister and big brother in that moment – not adults with parenting responsibility. So they'd egged him on a bit and teased him. Asked if he was going to make them take the Chicken Exit. And that had just made the kid fidget more – but agree that he'd do the ride. Because he didn't want to walk away in front of everyone. Not when they were making such a big deal about it. And maybe more than a little making it feel like it'd just be him walking off and left waiting at the sidelines while they did the ride. Which was likely kind of truthful. Him and Erin were feeling pretty vamped up about giving it a try. It looked pretty fucking awesome – to them – the closer they got.

They'd gotten Eth strapped into the harness and he'd freaked out a bit because his shoulders didn't reach the top of it. He thought he was going to be sliding all over. They told him to calm down and the attendant did come over and adjust the pads to come down and better hold him in place. She even told him to scoot forward a bit so he wouldn't move much at all. But Eth had still been shaking his head and saying he didn't want to ride. They kept telling him he'd be fine. But he'd let out a, "I don't want to go" as soon as the ride tipped them forward. Erin had told him it was too late then and his solution to that was trying to rip off his prescription sports goggles so he wouldn't have to see what was going to by. With the way the harness was, you really couldn't reach your face but Erin was trying to reach his hand and get him to stop trying to grab at his glasses.

They started going up the rise and the whole time Eth just kept repeating he was scared and he didn't want to do it and he was going to fall out. And then he'd screamed the whole time. Jay only halfways noticed, because he was fucking grinning from ear-to-ear the whole time and laughing. He could catch bits of that coming out of Erin too. Though, the ride and Ethan was drowning out a lot of it.

Jay thought it'd been amazing. But it was fucking fast and there were some real moments of skin-peeling G-Force going on in that thing. Some pretty close calls as you swooped by the mountain. Twists and turns and corkscrews and loop-de-loops all ending with a wake-bearing swoop into the water of the lagoon before it pulled out of its turn and back into the loading area.

Erin was all grins too when they returned and the harnesses came off. She was a bit of an adrenaline junkie in her own right. But then she'd turned to Eth and asked, "Did you love it?" And it was pretty clear he was in near tears. Doing his fucking embarrassed best to hide them. And the reality that they'd just been complete bullshit "parents" in that moment and potentially set themselves up for a shitty day – if not a shitty whole trip – with their very first ride sunk in.

And the obnoxious sibling switch turned off and Erin had gone right into mothering mode. Her arm got placed around his shoulder even though he'd initially tried to push it away. She hadn't let him. And she supported him as he did his even more weak-kneed gait over to where the attendant was holding his crutches. There'd been repeated assurances that he was OK. That he'd been really brave. That they were sorry they'd made him go on. That they should've known better. That they didn't have to do any other rollercoasters.

But after it they had a good twenty minutes where Ethan didn't want to do anything else but lean against a fence and stare at these fucking pterdoactyls that little kids were soaring up and down in circles like they were pretty much the Flying Dumbos that you see in all the ads over at Disney. But they were likely more in line with the introductory ride they should've considered for Eth. There was likely a reason the tamer version of the flying dinosaurs were right outside the Flying Dinosaur line-up area.

"You want to go on?" Erin had finally asked him, as he kept staring and swatting at his eyes – his goggles up on his forehead that somehow made them look even stupider than when they were on outside of a sports environment. But they'd hoped it'd be easier to keep from losing than his regular pair of glasses. Though, since they'd likely effectively ended their thrill ride opportunity for the trip, they probably didn't really need the goggles on him anymore.

"It's a kiddie ride," Ethan said defensively.

Erin shrugged. "I'm seeing lots of adults on it."

"Their parents," he argued back.

"I'll go on with you," Erin offered.

"You aren't my parent," he snarked.

She shrugged. "So? I'm an adult. We can both go on and look silly on the little kid ride."

Ethan just shook his head glumly but kept looking at the Soarin' Dinos going round and round.

"You know, Eth," Jay had tried, looking at the ride too and really hoping that Erin wasn't serious about going on it. Because they were going to look fucking ridiculous. And they were already getting their balls busted enough about spending their vacation down here. Except for Ruzek. He was participating in the ball busting one minute and then had pulled him aside and asked him about seeing if there was some retro Transformer tshirt over in the gift shop outside of that ride another minute. Which also sucked, because if Jay was going to buy a tshirt, there was a likelihood it would've been a retro Transformer tshirt. But he definitely wasn't going to go all matchy-matchy with Adam. He'd have to go Back to the Future or Jaws or something. Or Star Wars. Though, he imagined must of what they'd have that was Star Wars over at Disney would be way too Mickey Mouse for him to be interested in. "I don't think the rest of the rides in this area are rollercoasters. And I really think we should try to check some of them out before the crowds get too big over here."

"I don't want to do any more rides," Ethan had put bluntly.

Jay and Erin exchanged a look at that point. He knew they were both kicking themselves. They'd gotten too much into their own moment. Or maybe they'd just thought Eth was a little tougher and more daring than he actually was. But at least he wasn't complaining about being rattled and jarred around – so hopefully they hadn't made a stupid choice in that regard too. That he'd be dealing with pain or bruising later in the day. But Jay had actually been on enough rollercoasters, that he thought that one – though fast and intense – it was a pretty smooth ride. It didn't lurch you and your neck as much as some did – surprisingly.

But still – even if he hadn't been physically rattled and jarred, he'd clearly been jarred enough that they might've put their trip in some jeopardy. Because what was the point of doing Universal with they weren't going to do any of the rides?

Jay let out a quiet sigh and slumped down on the fence a bit more.

"OK," Erin acknowledged, though. "Then how about we go take a look at the Discovery Center as see what's in there?"

Eth eyed her suspiciously. "Is it a ride?"

She shook her head and shrugged. "I don't think so. I think it's like a museum. Just like the movie."

Eth hadn't given an answer, though. He was in stand-off mode. Or more likely complete uncertainty. He was working at trying to build up his courage. So Jay dug out the map and attraction guide out of his pocket and flipped to the Jurassic Park section.

"Unearth the mysteries of the planet's prehistoric past in this hands-on interactive activity center," Jay read, because they really needed to get the day back on track. They literally couldn't afford for it to go off the rails. "The Discovery Center combines entertainment with education in a variety of informative exhibits and displays. Marvel at the towering fossilized remains of a massive T-rex and other dinosaurs."

"They're fake," Ethan put flatly.

"It's all fake," Erin said firmly. "It's an amusement park, Ethan. You need to suspend your disbelief and just enjoy it for what it is."

Her and Jay shared another brief look, as Ethan slumped more against the fence.

"Experience how dinosaurs see and hear the world," Jay continued. "Practice your dinosaur calls."

Eth gave him a little glance at that. "Do they have a raptor larynx for us to try? Like in the movie?" he asked.

Jay shrugged. "Doesn't say. We'd have to go find out."

Eth just slumped again but asked quietly, "What else do they have there?"

Jay traded another look with Erin and again looked back to the guide. "Hunt for dinosaur bones—"

"That will just be a sandbox," Ethan said. "Like at the Children's Museum at home."

Jay shrugged. "Maybe," he conceded, though Eth was likely right. Though, he also knew that Ethan had gone with Olive and Henry to the Children's Museum so he could do just that and that he'd been bugging his dad about getting the sandbox ready "for Henry" when they all knew that was just a convenient excuse for Ethan to sit there pretending to be a paleontologist too.

"Test your dino knowledge in our regularly scheduled trivia contest, You Bet Jurassic—"

"Lame," Ethan hissed out in teen-aged sing-song, clearly not appreciating the attempt at wit.

"It's kind of funny," Jay said.

"No it's not," Ethan state but asked, "Is there prizes?" and cast him a hopeful look.

"Don't know," Jay allowed.

"I'd definitely win," Eth put flatly, and he was also probably right on that too. Though, Jay was sure there were a lot of other kids and Jurassic Park nuts in the area that could potentially give him a run for his money. But maybe beating out a few of them – even if they were four year olds or forty-year-old men with hygiene issues – would be a bit of a confidence booster for the kid.

"Then test your own DNA and join Mr. DNA—"

"That's like the movie," Ethan said, staring straight ahead. "Is it a ride like the movie?"

"Maybe," Jay allowed, and continued, "one an educational tour about our work with dinosaurs and genetic engineering currently occurring at Jurassic Park."

"So maybe it's a scary ride too," Ethan said flatly. "Since it all went to hell in the movie."

"Ethan," Erin sighed and gestured up the path. "It's just that building. It's not a rollercoaster. It'd just be … a tour in a moving cart. Just like in the movie. Before everything goes to hell."

Eth eyed her. And Jay just kept reading – because it might be there only chance of convincing him to move. It's the way they should've done things in the first place. Start small and simple. Let him be wowed by the animatronics and the dinosaurs and then work their way up to some rides – progressively.

"On the tour, you'll visit our nurseries and have a chance to examine dinosaur eggs."

Ethan gave him another look at that. "That's kind of sweet," he said.

Jay gave a little nod. "Some lucky guests may even witness a dinosaur hatching."

Eth's eyes finally got that big look to them again. "Really?"

Jay shrugged. "That's what it says." And he went back to the brochure. "As the tour ends, guests are invited to join us on the Discovery Trail for a short hike—"

"We're at a theme park," Ethan said bluntly. "There's no where to hike."

"Suspend disbelief, Ethan," Erin put to him again.

He let out a little sigh and looked at Jay. "OK. What do we get to see on the trail?"

"Along the trail, guests are likely to see evidence of some of the herbivores living in Jurassic Park. At the end of the trail, you'll reach one of our veterinary facilities, which is currently conducting a study of triceratops—"

"So will they have triceratops there?" Eth asked with some eagerness creeping in.

"That'd be my guess," Jay allowed.

"I like triceratops," Ethan said. "And they're Dr. Grant's favorites. In the movie. So they likely have them here."

"Likely," Jay agreed and then continued, "Veterinary technicians will be on site to answer your questions and to talk about their current work and meet some of these gentle giants – maybe even a baby."

"Meh …," Eth provided to that.

Erin made a slightly amused noise and nudged his arm against the fence. "You don't want to meet a baby triceratops?"

"Henry is baby enough," Ethan said. "He's likely about the same size as a baby triceratops."

A smile tugged at Erin's lips. "I think that might be kind of mean."

Ethan shrugged. "Henry's built like a football player, Dad says so. And he whines and cries. A baby triceratops likely does too."

"But it's a baby triceratops," Erin stressed at him, arching her eyebrow.

"Meh," Ethan said again. "It'd be better if it was a baby raptor."

"Mmm," Jay allowed, "then you'll love this … After exiting the Discovery Trail, daring guests will encounter our four nine-foot-tall velociraptors and will have the opportunity to approach one for a photo."

"Wait!" Ethan near shrieked and looked at him with that look in his eyes again – the one when he'd had when they came through the Jurassic Park gate. "They have the raptors here?"

"That's what it says," Jay said flatly.

"All four?" Ethan pressed.

"That's what it says," he repeated.

"Charlie, Delta, Echo and BLUE," Ethan pressed at him even more firmly and on the opposite side of him Erin's grin grew even more and she gave her head a bit of a shake, raising her eyebrow.

"I'd assume that's the four they mean …," Jay said a little speculatively. He'd endured all the movies with Ethan enough to know there were definitely more than four raptors presented across the quadrilogy. But the only ones he'd heard the names of were the ones from Jurassic World. And he'd definitely heard the names of them over and over and over again from Ethan. He had fucking figures of Charlie and Blue and had made repeated reference to the fact that he fully intended to get all four for his collection – despite everyone around him questioning why the hell he needed FOUR raptors for his dinosaur collection. Beyond him buying right into the marketing power of the movie. But that reason – that need – was becoming abundantly clear if it hadn't been obvious already. They'd just found Ethan's Mickey Mouse moment.

"THEY HAVE BLUE!?" he pressed.

"I'm going to guess so," Jay allowed. "But I think we'd have to go find out."

And that was already a given too. The self-conscious sulk was over. The paradox that flying the Soarin' Dinos carousel was too little kiddie but getting a photo with a dinosaur puppet was A-OK seemed to go whooshing over Ethan's head.

And it really didn't fucking matter. Because their day was back on track. It was going to be salvageable. They could fucking do this.

Because, Ethan was already pushed up and directing himself toward the building and the trail and the trivia contest and the dinosaurs … and most specifically Blue.

"OK, let's do the Discovery Center," he said so nonchalantly, like nothing had happened.

And something had. And something hadn't. But it didn't really matter too much now.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: The chapter immediately before this was also posted tonight. Please read it as well.**

 **This is Part 2. There will be a Part 3. Because apparently I really liked writing about dinosaurs and Jurassic Park?**

 **Anyway, Part 3 looks more like this. A bit more about their day and then a switch into a Jay and Erin chat.**

 **All three chapters might be emerged after they're all completed and have been up for a week or so. They all make up a single "scene" and will all be from Jay's POV.**

 **Star Wars will be from Erin's POV. Hopefully it's just one chapter/scene and not as epic as this.**

 **Your readership, reviews, comments and feedback are much appreciated.**


	16. Trail of Discovery

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

 **PLEASE NOTE:**

 **This is Part 3 of the same "scene" all from Jay's POV. Part 1 and Part 2 were posted yesterday — Jurassic Moment and Turning Blue. Please make sure you had the opportunity to see them both.**

Going to the Discovery Center had been a decent way to get their day back on track. But it'd also been a decent way to eat up basically their day – or at least the extent of the day that him and Erin had intended to have Eth there. At least until the evening – because by about 11 a.m., it was getting hot, humidity and really fucking crowded in the park. Not that you could really tell in the Discovery Center, since it didn't seem like a high traffic site. Because who the fuck goes to Universal Studios to spend time in some sort of educational, interactive exhibit? Ethan. That was who.

Jay would admit that he'd again had the awe moment like he was about 10 years old again and seeing Jurassic Park for the first time. Right when they walked into that welcome center – the literal Discovery Center – in the movie. Because they'd entirely reconstructed it. It looked exactly like what he remembered. And, Eth had been sure to point out just how incredibly accurate it was. And he'd know. Jay didn't even want to imagine how many times that kid had watched those four movies. Over and over. On repeat. But, he knew that the kid took a lot of comfort out of repetition. He liked that he knew what was going to happen. He didn't have to give it his full concentration or strain to focus. Just like how in daily life Eth liked his little routines and traditions over and over. It was actually a fucking miracle he was doing so well so out of his element. His little bubble. But it was likely because for that moment he was in one of his fantasy bubbles – the real, live Jurassic Park that he'd really wanted to exist about as long as his fractured little mind could remember.

Unfortunately for them the "look for fossils" in that building hadn't been a sandbox (further unfortunately for them, the attendant near the fossil display had advised them that "Camp Jurassic" just outside the building did have "an active dig site" available. It was a horrifying thought. Jay knew if they let Ethan get into that pit, there was likely no way they would be pulling him out until the park was looking up for the night without a brain-damaged tween meltdown.). As it was, the fucking interactive fossil display inside had held Eth's attention for ages. Because it had a mock-up of the SONAR photography technology set up "like the movie" (as Eth felt the need to point out to the at pretty much every part of the exhibit) against a wall – letting the kids track it around and take readings in different areas in search for fossils. Eth got absolutely lost in it. The only thing that had pulled him away was the announcement about the You Bet Jurassic that he'd so openly mocked outside. Inside – different story. He'd wanted to go. Straight away.

And it'd been ridiculous. They got sat in front of a little panel thing – that they were supposedly supposed to share as a family. Ethan definitely was not sharing. The couple times him or Erin had tried to plug in an answer, he'd batted their hands away. "You're going to get it wrong!" they'd gotten informed more than once. Erin had actually managed to beat him to keying in one answer and had gotten it wrong. That did not go over well.

It'd gone over even worse when they'd "lost" the fucking game show by one point. And even worse when Eth saw that the kids in the family that won got to go up and given little dinosaur eggs from the host of the thing. And that was it – they had to hang around the fucking exhibit area for another twenty minutes waiting to get let into the next show thing. At the fucking front of the line.

They'd just let him have at it that time. Because they knew if he didn't "win" they were never going to get out of there. And when he did win the big prize and crack open that egg, what was inside? About five jellybeans that they'd promptly confiscated from him, a dinosaur temporary tattoo, a sticker and a little plastic dinosaur that had JP stamped on its hind-quarters. But it'd been enough to tweak Eth's little obsessive compulsive disorder when it came to things that clearly had the opportunity to collect. It didn't matter that it was all pretty much crap – he needed to collect them all.

It'd been another negotiation – that they could come back into the exhibit area after they went on the tour. But they weren't going to fucking hang around for another 20 minutes – more like 40 by the time they actually played the game – to do the stupid trivia thing again. And they just crossed their fingers that he'd find something else to get obsessed about or stuck on between down and then. Or that with all the stimulation going on that day that his damaged brain would be having trouble filing shit away and his short-term memory wouldn't be at its best and he'd just forget that they'd said they could go back. That might be hoping for a little much.

He'd still been a little nervous heading over to the "ride" in the building. But again, the holding area had been done up so well, it distracted him. It actually was so dead in there, they probably could've just about walked right through. But Eth wanted to do the DNA test thing – which "merged" their human DNA with a dinosaur's and then displayed their head on beast. It was pretty fucking retarded. But Ethan thought it was hilarious. He'd made all three of them do it.

Jay got his head stuck on the top of a brachiosaurus. Which Erin thought was nearly as funny as Eth and promptly was fishing out her phone to take a picture of it on the screen before it disappeared – because apparently that was something they needed to keep for prosperity. She just better not go fucking showing that to anyone. Ever.

"It likely just made you it because you're the tallest of us," Eth offered as some consolation between his snickering.

"You do have a nice neck," Erin had provided, and arched her eyebrow at him in that fucking teasing way that was nearly foreplay with them.

And even worse because he knew by neck, she meant throat. He knew she was talking about that spot she put her mouth and her tongue and … they just weren't going to go there. Because they still had to survive the rest of the day. And even if they did survive the rest of the day, they weren't exactly impressed with their hotel's definition of a "family suite". Or clearly couples with kids didn't have sex on holiday? Piss off. But at least the set-up was an improvement over what they'd actually had booked. There were doors. Unfortunately they just ALL opened into their sleeping area. But at least Eth wasn't in the same room as them. At least their only option wasn't going to be the bathroom – not that they hadn't already discussed the feasibility of the bathroom. Because it had locking doors. And they were pretty expert at getting messy in the bathroom.

"Don't start," he warned her. Because if she did – he would fucking start antagonizing her too. And then things would just get really messy.

Eth had been pleased that Erin got her head planted on a T-Rex. Or a "tyrannosaur" as Eth had taken to calling it lately.

"I think it sorted you better than the Sorting Hat," he'd informed her.

She'd swatted Eth at that but then quickly swatted Jay too when she realized he was taking a picture of her mutation, just like she had his.

"Don't do that," she demanded.

"Done," he said and flashed her the screen. "And getting printed out and taped to your desk."

"Don't you fucking dare," she crossed her arms and glared at him.

He just raised his eyebrow at her and kept keying into his screen. "And sent to Voight," he added. She gaped at him and grabbed the phone, but it'd already gone through. He let out an amused noise.

"You're such an asshole," she muttered at him.

"What?" Jay put to her. "Hank will like it."

"Oh, I'm sure he will …" she muttered.

"I GOT SPINOSAURUS!" Ethan had shrieked.

He'd become fucking obsessed with the monster since some University of Chicago paleontologist who specialized in research of the beast had been in to talk to the Museum Club kids. Now most dinosaur conversations with Eth (which were at least fifty per cent of conversations with Eth) included reference to the Spinosaurus, to the geology and paleontology program at U of C, this paleontologist buddy and the dig sites he was working at in Wyoming and how if he was still in the Museum Club and a volunteer at Field when he was a Junior "I MIGHT GET TO GO! … But it costs a lot. Like a fortune."

And, somehow the fucking little quiz and fingerprint scan thing they did had randomly deduced that Eth should be combined with that particular dinosaur. A pleasure that he'd express with such enthusiasm that one of the attendants in that area had felt the need to come over and let them know "the park has an spinosaurus". Apparently at the opposite exit to where they came in. Some photo-op with the Sinposaurus and/or a T-Rex and a Jurassic Park Jeep. And now they were going to have to get another picture of Ethan with one of his spirit animals. But at least it might be a decent way to herd him toward the exit.

Though, Eth still expressed that he wasn't sure he trusted them on how tame this "ride" was going to be, he'd calmed a bit when they did get into the moving theater that again was "just like the movie". And they'd done a little spiel along with Mr. DNA until they rotated into the hatchery and nursery area and were off-loaded.

Though, they had to look at it through glass, Eth had again pointed out it looked just like the movie. And had apparently decided he was ready to suspend his disbelief and had his face pressed right up against the glass when one of the technicians came over and gave them the news that they were there "just in time!" to see an egg hatch. Surprise. Though, it was some more pretty impressive animatronics they had going on in there and Eth had spazzed out, casting his eyes back over his shoulder to find them – keeping back, letting the kids on the tour take up the front spots at the glass.

"It's a raptor!" he'd called at them and then looked at his sister. "ARE YOU FILMING THIS? ERIN! FILM THIS!" he chastised.

She rolled her eyes but did oblige. Partly. She took out her phone and took a few photos. They weren't great with the glass and with Ethan's back to them. But Eth also likely didn't care. What he did care was that the technician picked him to get to name the baby raptor and he'd gotten handed a birth certificate as they finished up at the nursery too – which Jay had been instructed to put into the backpack "very carefully! Don't let it get all squished up!" He'd picked the name Foxtrot. Informing them that, "It'd be the next raptor. If there wasn't a next one already. After Blue, Charlie, Delta and Echo." That'd gotten another eye roll out of Erin but also a smile. And she'd given Jay that look. The one that said Eth was fucking ridiculous but clearly asked, "How can you not love this kid?" And Jay was kinda with her on that. He got with her on that bandwagon more and more as he spent time with Eth.

The amusement had kept coming as they walked along the Discovery Trail, which included little in dinosaur sightings but a lot in piles of dinosaur dung.

"Is that reflective of most people's experience here?" Erin had quipped at him.

It was likely a good thing that the comment had either gone over Eth's head or he hadn't heard. Because at that point he'd clearly let himself transport into Jurassic Park. And he'd spotted the high fences and the gate they got to go through to "go into the paddock!" So he was on a beeline.

From there out, every little reference to the movie they passed, he pointed out. As they stood in the next holding area, he'd been leaning over the railings trying to see every last bit of information and props in the various control rooms, surveillance room and storage buildings they walked through. He was lollygagging. Looking at the night-vision goggles and the tranquilizer guns and the transport crates branded with InGen and Jurassic Park logos, the bags of dino food, test tubes and computer monitors and microscopes, and various posters done up to look like vet guides about various herbivores that were supposedly in the enclosure. Jay was pretty sure that Eth would've been happy to have spent another hour or more just wandering around that line area just taking in everything. As it was, they had to nudge him out of the way of families who just wanted to go see the triceratops and be done with it. Because not only was he looking at everything – whenever anything came on on the TV screens above them with fake "game keepers" giving them more little spiels about their work and the dinos at Jurassic Park, Eth wanted to stop and watch every one of them and it was pretty clear that they must've had about an hours or more worth of the things done up to project at guests caught in line. Only that day the wait time – if you actually weren't stopping to look at EVERYTHING was only supposed to be five minutes. So eventually they just urged him forward themselves – slowly – or else they never would've gotten off that trail.

Though, getting to the actual "veterinary presentation" hadn't helped with getting them out of there quick. Because Ethan was beyond gob smacked when he saw the triceratops – the breathing, wheezing, farting, pissing, snorting, MOVING triceratops.

"It looks so real," Erin had managed to admit for the first time that day – despite her preaching the suspension of disbelieve to Ethan, apparently she was just letting herself take her own advice. And the actor planning the vet had heard her.

"Well, this is Jurassic Park, ma'am," he'd said before going into his little presentation about the dinosaur, which was apparently sick and being put through the paces of being diagnosed and treated. His face and mouth and eyes and legs moving and twitching the whole time. Dilated pupils, flaring nostrils, white tongue. All of it.

Over the course of it, the thing had even taken a really giant leak. A lot of the people in the building had gone between letting out mildly appalled noises or giggling – depending on their age and gender or just their maturity level.

"At least she didn't poop," Ethan had provided. "That'd be a lot of poo."

The people who made the attraction must've expected that reaction out of some, because no sooner had Eth said it, had the thing farted and the space had filled up with quite the fucking stench.

"OK, that was unnecessary," Erin had said, scrunching up her nose.

But it was almost like the dinosaur had heard her say that – and she'd decided to stand way too close to its face with Ethan – and Cera the triceratops let out a snotty sneeze, blowing goobers and spittle all over her and Ethan.

"Gross," Ethan declared but he was all smiles. Erin on the other hand had been taken off-guard and she face was painted with disgust as she reached to wipe away the "snot" that thankfully looked and smelled like just water. Though, she still was examining her hand with each swipe like it must have some sort of texture or stickiness to it. To make it more authentic. She glanced at him – and his phone held up.

"You are not filming this," she put to him sternly. It was an order. Not a question.

But Jay shrugged. "Sure, for prosperity," he smiled. She rolled her eyes and shook her head. He knew he was getting into trouble. But he didn't entirely care. Erin was kind of cute covered in triceratops snot. "I started taking video before it sneezed on you. Eth wants to show his dad."

Erin made an annoyed sound but didn't argue that point. Because Eth was wanting them to document pretty much every step of their adventure to share with his dad. Jay wasn't sure if Hank would actually look or not. Maybe not until they got back.

The vet had made the mistake of opening the session up to questions and bringing in the little baby triceratops for everyone to see – and pet and goo-goo-gah-gah over. And apparently Erin rather quickly got over her annoyance and disgust at triceratops, because she was right over there with Ethan doing her own goo-goo-gah-gah at it, blocking teenagers who were showing some vague (dis)interest from their chance at getting to the thing, and petting at Samantha.

"Jay, come feel it," she ordered, as the thing cooed and whinnied with each stroke.

"It's a her," said the technician. "Samantha."

"Aww … hi, Samantha," Ethan said, staring at it in utter fascination. Jay was starting to have flashbacks to the two of them with Bear as a puppy. Thankfully this thing was fake – no matter how real it looked – and they couldn't drag it home. Because they were both looking like they wanted to.

But he humored them. "Oh, wow," he managed when he touched it. Because you could feel the thing breathing and its skin felt even more real than what Eth had on his Indominus toy – which, for the record, had been brought to Orlando with them. But had been left – ordered left – in the hotel room, despite Ethan thinking it would've been great to bring it along for all the pictures at Jurassic Park. But, it was like a kid with their favorite Binky. There was no way in hell they were going to risk that stupid toy getting lost, stolen or damaged. Though, he supposed, if that ever was going to happen, they were in the right place to actually find a replacement without too much of a headache. Though, he also imagined that would entail them spending WAAAAAY more than whatever Hank … sorry, Santa … had invested in that thing. Probably one of the better toy investments he'd ever made in Ethan's life. He'd said as much himself.

The two actors were trying to hurry them along – to let other people pet the thing – and to clear space for the next showing of Cera to the next group. But, the guy playing the vet had made the mistake of saying he would try to answer anyone's questions on their way out. You don't say that to Ethan. Because he had about sixty-billion – and he knew way more about triceratopses than that hack. He just kept asking things and then completely dropped his shy act he'd been playing with some of the various park attendants who'd been approaching them that day – and he went on a fucking monologue about that breed of dinosaurs, spewing off an encyclopedic amount of information until Erin had stepped in and rescued the man by reminding Eth they should go and get in line for the raptors. As it was, they were going to be at the back of the line – AGAIN – of the group, which had likely kind of become the group of people about two groups behind them with the speed and fascination Eth had had on the tour.

It had managed to get him to slow the motor, though. And they had dragged him away – somewhat reluctantly – because as they were leaving, he realized that there were two other sheds back there.

"Wait! Are there other triceratops to see?" he demanded, looking back.

Too slow to an attendant, who had advised, that yes, they had three triceratops in their study – Cera, Chris and Trooper. And that Trooper was the oldest of the three and the matriarch of the group.

"CAN WE SEE HER TOO?" Ethan had demanded.

"Umm …," the attendant had stumbled, like she hadn't expected that reaction. Or at least hadn't gotten quite that kind of enthusiastic reaction about it before. She cast them a look. "Well, you have to exit and come back through the trail," she offered apologetically. "But, the diagnostic tests being run on all are triceratops are the same."

Yea. No kidding. Jay wouldn't be surprised if they actually only had one of the bays even opened and operating that day – because clearly at least the Triceratops Encounter at the Discovery Center wasn't a big hit. It wasn't like they were packing in the crowds.

Ethan gazed at them hopefully. Erin let out a little sigh and did that thing where she looked skyward for a moment. A tell that Jay had caught her do a lot with Ethan. Her brief moment to calm and center herself – to remind herself that he was still a kid and he had his issues and she wasn't just his older sister that she was one of his caretakers and she needed to keep that all in perspective and be more patient than she would be with the rest of the world.

"We're going to finish the tour – see the raptors," she nodded at him. "Then, we can talk about if we want to spend more of our day doing the tour again."

There was clear tone to it – there was no way in hell that Erin was enduring that tour again. And Jay would completely stand by her on that front. Once was enough. Especially since it was pretty clear that most people – if they'd gone through every attraction in the Discovery Center and on the tour – it might've taken them maybe 45 minutes, if the lines where moving. Them? It was pushing two. That was long enough. There were other things to see at Universal. There were even other things to see just in the Jurassic Park section.

Meeting the raptors was proving enough of a lure to get Eth to start moving again, though. But as soon as they go to that section, they walked right into their first wall of people. Apparently you didn't have to go on the whole tour to meet the raptors. And unsurprisingly, there were a hell of a lot of people who wanted to see these beasts.

"Shit …," Jay had mumbled and cast Erin a look.

The area wasn't well shaded at all. They were pushing toward the time of the day when the sun was highest in the sky and the temperatures were supposed to reach up to 87 degrees that day. With the humidity it was supposed to feel more like 94 degrees. Right into territory that wasn't great for Eth – but that was Florida. And that was part of the reason they'd planned to spend time in doors and go back to the hotel and its air conditioning and pool.

The area was pretty ingeniously devised, though. You could kind of hear people reacting – presumably – to the raptors. And you could hear occasional voices on a microphone that was likely the "game keeper" intermingled with the telltale chirps, shrieks and roars of the raptors from the movies. But there was shrubby and a twisty queue done up so you couldn't see the beasts for a distance at all and you really couldn't have a real sense of how long the actual line was.

"Let's go ask …," Erin just put flatly. Because it was really the only choice they had and Eth was already headed right for the entrance display that declared Raptor Encounter anyway.

"Eth …," Jay called at him and gestured at the woman done up in her Jurassic Park safari outfit. "Just wait a sec."

"Hi," she greeted, way to friendlily for his liking. But everyone at the park seemed way to friendly. Especially considering they were in the Jurassic Park area, and technically, all these people should likely have been mauled to death already if they were actually emulating the movies in any way. It wasn't a happy place. "Welcome to the Velociraptor Encounter, here at Jurassic Park. Are you ready to meet our raptors?"

"Yea," Jay said flatly. "We're looking for the Express Pass entry."

"I'm sorry, sir," she put to him. "This isn't an Express Pass attraction."

Erin let out a little noise at that and gave Eth a glance, clearly gauging hi energy level and his ability to stand in wait for that photo op. Though, neither of them were really interested enough to wait more than maybe ten minutes for it, they knew that Eth would wait all day and then some. But that wasn't realistic. So it became a judgment on how he'd take them flashing his disability card.

"How long's the wait?" Erin asked.

The woman glanced at her clipboard. She'd been glancing passed them as people walked by to join the queue, clicking at her little counter, as a radio – likely from people inside and at the exit – crackled every so often giving her updates. "Likely about 60 minutes."

"An hour?" Erin spat and cast Ethan a look.

"Erin …," he whined in a way that only a little brother could manage. It was so practiced and so perfect. This manipulative finger nails on the chalkboard but pull at your heartstrings sound.

Jay looked at the attendant. "Is that to see all four? Or is there a shorter line for … different ones?"

"I want to see Blue," Ethan put pointedly and shifted his sight to the attendant.

"Blue is our most popular raptor," she gave him a little smile but then turned to them. "However, our raptors need breaks and so we rotate through."

"Which one is up there now?" Jay asked.

Another glance at her clipboard. "Right now, it's Echo."

Ethan let out a huff. "Elvis. She's my latest favorite."

The attendant gave him an apologetic look. "Well, they do need to take their breaks or they get a little too temperamental with our guests. So by the time you get up there, it will likely be someone else," she said and turned back to them. "They rotate every 20 minutes and it's about a five minute change over."

"So when's Blue out?" Eth demanded a little too forcibly.

Erin cast him a look. "Hey," she warned. "Manners."

He sunk a little bit. "Sorry …," he told the technician shyly, shifting his eyes away.

"It's OK," she smiled at him more broadly. Jay suspected she didn't see many parents order their kids to be politer to the staff nor did she get many apologies in her day that likely consisted mostly of this – telling people they had a long time to wait and that it'd be luck of the draw if they got to see Blue. "But I only get told which raptor is being brought out when they're headed into the holding area."

Erin cocked her head and looked at Ethan at that. Searching for his understanding of the situation and giving him the opportunity to have some input.

"They're all different, right …?" he asked the technician softly.

"Oh, yes," she nodded. "They're all very unique and they all have their own personalities. Each interaction is different."

"So … maybe we can … meet all of them?" Eth cast his sister hopefully eyes.

She shook her head. "Ethan, no," she said firmly but gently. "It's getting too hot. There's not enough shade. An hour is a really long time – especially if it might be your least favorite raptor up there."

"But … I want to see them," Ethan said in this quiet tone that had some clear heartbreak in it.

It only seemed to be at that point that the woman had noticed the bright canvas band around Eth's wrist. "Oh …," it was her who sounded apologetic at that point. "You have an Attractions Assistance Pass?" she gestured at Ethan, slumped on his crutches. "I can scan it and issue you a return time. Then you'll get to go right to the front of the line. It should likely be only a five or ten minute wait that way."

Erin gazed at Eth who fidgeted a bit under her gaze. He'd been so insistent that he didn't want to use the pass. And they'd decided they weren't going to push it. But they also weren't going to stand in a line where the heat, crowd or wait might do him over. They weren't sure if they'd get to that point since they had the Express Passes with their packages – but in situations, just like this, they'd decided that they'd let Eth make the decision himself. That they used the disability pass – came back to the ride at their assigned time. Or they moved on – because they weren't going to do something that would jeopardize his enjoyment of the rest of the day or the entire trip.

It was a concession that Eth was going to have to make. A decision. Weighing what was more important to him. His inability to accept a label and what stigma might be associated with it — or his want to see his dream creatures. It was something he'd have to likely battle with at certain points in his life. When to present his disability — and accept it as a label — and when to try to keep it hidden. With Eth, it wasn't entirely invisible. Though, the extent of it — or the more tangible challenges of it — might not be as visible as some people thought. Eth was going to have to learn when and how to take advantage of the labels society wanted to place on him. How to use it to his benefit. And the when and why he should do that. And to learn how to battle with and cope with the complex emotions associated with that too.

It was something that made Jay wish Mouse was still around for. Because it was something that Mouse would be able to talk to him about better. To explain to him. To help him deal with it. To guide him through it. To understand the challenges and the rewards and the benefits and payoffs and the concessions and sacrifices involved in that.

Jay knew that other people would try to do that for him. That he'd have other kids at RIC who'd be dealing with similar things. That there'd be programming and coaching and therapy over there that would help him through that. That him and Erin and his dad would talk to him about it. That his doctors would. But it'd be different than having someone like Mouse talk to him. Someone … like him. Someone he looked up to. Someone who was a grown-up and had survived it and found his way.

Jay wanted to think he could sort of try. But he might not be the best person to talk to because he had his own stigmas and labels that he didn't like acknowledging or accepting or publicizing. Ones that he didn't share or use to his advantage. Ones that he just didn't want people to know or see. Even that label — war vet — was something he hadn't particularly wanted to flaunt. Nothing he wanted to publicize or a label to have.

He had a job. He did it. There were sacrifices within that. But he'd known that when he signed up. Though, maybe he hadn't quite been old enough or smart enough to fully understand exactly what those sacrifices would be at the time. But he hadn't gone into it blind. And he'd never expected much acknowledgement out of it. He never felt like he deserved that or needed it. The ones who deserved that respect or honor — they were the ones who hadn't come back. It was their families, their children, who deserved special privileges and acknowledgement for the sacrifices not just their loved one had made but for the long-term implications that had for their family.

Jay had never asked for anything. Never wanted anything. He didn't think he deserved it. And he'd been fundamentally hard for him to even look into the various discounts and packages that might be available to him — to them — as an veteran. Taking the discount, booking the package — that'd been even harder. And he felt strange doing it. He still wasn't sure he deserved it. He could still think of other deserving families that did. He could think of guys — friends — who'd died who had a wife or girlfriend and babies or toddlers at home back then who likely would've loved this opportunity to be here. That their dads would've loved that opportunity to come home and take them on a family trip. To have that time together. To just fucking be together, period.

But even if Jay felt like he didn't entirely deserve the generous package discount that had been given by Universal — he did know that Ethan deserved the trip. That he'd been promised the trip. That he'd been working hard to earn the trip. And that the kid had been through years of hell. That he had lots of challenges ahead of him. That he wasn't in for an easy ride in life. So, he'd made the calls and he'd taken the discount. He'd swallowed his pride and adjusted his perspective and priorities — and he'd taken the label and dealt with the confused emotions that came with that.

And he'd done that for Eth.

So now Eth could do that for himself. For a simpler matter — but probably not simple enough for a thirteen-year-old self-conscious, disabled kid. He could decide if he was willing to take the label or take the stigma. If he was going to use it to his advantage or if he was going to let himself — and society's narrow view — get in the way of an opportunity.

Eth let out a slow breath but nodded. "OK …," he allowed quietly and crutched forward to the woman, holding out his wrist for her to scan.

She gave him a little smile as she did, giving them both a quick once-over. "It doesn't look like you've gone on the River Adventure yet," she propositioned, casting them a look as the machine beeped and she raised it to look at the screen.

"I don't really think I like rides," Ethan admitted.

She allowed him a thin smile at that and pushed at some buttons on the machine. "I think you might like it. It's nice and long, about twelve minutes. And it will cool you off in this heat," she said darting her eyes at Jay and Erin and then reaching to retrieve three little tickets as they printed out of the machine. "And it's an Express Pass attraction," she added, handing the tickets off to Jay. "Just bring those back here during the specified time window," she said. Jay glanced at them to see that they had about 90 minutes to kill before Eth could meet his raptor. "Make sure not to loose them or not to get them too wet," she smiled at Ethan but gave a little gesture to the lanyards containing their various tickets and passes hanging around their necks.

"Thanks," Jay nodded at her and gestured with his head for Eth to come along. But he held out the tickets to Erin.

"Oh, I get to be the ticket keeper, do I?" she said, taking them and working on getting them into the little plastic thing they'd been given to hold all their cards.

"Hell yeah …," Jay muttered. "I'm not going to be responsible for carrying that precious cargo."

No way in hell.

 **AUTHOR NOTE:**

 **For anyone that didn't notice the note at the top. This is Part 3 of the same "scene" all from Jay's POV. Part 1 and Part 2 were posted yesterday — Jurassic Moment and Turning Blue. Please make sure you had the opportunity to see them both.**

 **Now. There's going to be a Part 4. And really, Part 4 is probably going to be what I had originally planned this chapter/scene as a whole to be before it took on a life of its own. I know some of you hate it. Hopefully some of you are enjoying it.**

 **However, since this has turned so long I'm really not sure if I'll do any chapters or scenes from Star Wars or Harry Potter. I had an idea for a very short little exchange when they first go into the Harry Potter area from Jay's POV — but focused on Erin. And a Star Wars reflection chapter (or at least what I hope would just be a single chapter) from Erin's POV that would sort of be about Jay while talking a bit about the day/attractions/rides, etc.**

 **I'll need to think about it. I had some ideas for both. But I'm afraid they'd take on a life of their own too and not sure I want that to happen with all of them. So we'll see.**

 **Part 4 will wrap up Jurassic Park, though.**

 **I do hear people on wanting a hotel/pool scene between Jay and Erin and some interest in a beach day scene. I'll keep thinking about it. I do have ideas on how to approach that. But, since this "scene" turned out to be much longer than I imagined or planned, I'm not sure how much longer I'll drag out Florida. I suppose part of it will depend on how I feel about the writing and how easy it happens and partly about the level of interest and enjoyment from the readers and partly about if anything comes up in upcoming episodes that sends my mind in other directions.**

 **This week's ep did give me an idea for a Hank/Al scene but I haven't started playing with that yet.**

 **Thanks again for your readership, feedback, reviews and comments.**


	17. Alpha of the Pack

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

 **PLEASE NOTE:**

 **This is Part 4 of the same "scene" all from Jay's POV. Part 3 was posted less than 24 hours ago — Trail of Discovery. Part 1 and Part 2 were posted close together as well — Jurassic Moment and Turning Blue. Please make sure you had the opportunity to see them.**

It'd taken a little bit of convincing but they had managed to get Eth onto the Jurassic Park River Adventure ride. It'd taken pressing the fact that it was a "gentle glide passed enormous and wondrous beasts in their natural jungle habitat" (as per the park guide) and leaving out the rest of the ride description. That was before "something goes horribly wrong". That you get bumped off course and into the restricted raptor containment area. That the power to the fences are down. That the raptors have broken loose. That you ascend into the Environmental Systems Building amid chaos – in the dark. And the raptors are stalking your every move. To ultimately leave your only escape – a 85-plunge down a waterfall in total darkness with the T-Rex – jaws open and gnashing – right there.

Erin had leaned over his shoulder as he read the first bit of the description to Eth. He wasn't sure how much he needed to. Ethan had spent hours researching the parks and the attractions and rides and watching videos of the experiences on repeat. Jay figured he should know and understand – without being reminded of all the details. But seeing the park and the anamatronics and the rides on a little screen of your tablet versus seeing them actually playing out before your eyes were two very different things. Still, Jay didn't feel the need to remind Eth about what exactly they were getting into by getting on that ride.

"Maybe you should read the rest to him …," Erin had cocked her eyebrow at him after Ethan had agreed to get into the queue to at least see what it looked it.

He'd get to see quick. The listed standby wait-time was only 40 minutes – which, in Jay's opinion was a little much for any ride. But with their Express Pass they were herded into an alternate queue, bypassing the main line, and taking them to a holding area with only a few dozen people loading into the rafts in front of them. They were likely to be onboard within five minutes.

"He knows …," Jay said. And he was taking the stance that Eth had experienced one rollercoaster.

That might've been a disaster – but he was old enough and smart enough to know use that as a gauge of what he was capable of and comfortable with. This was not a rollercoaster. It'd likely be some sort of mid-point between the Mr. DNA "ride" and the Flying Dinosaur. Hopefully Eth would be able to deduce that, accept that, and feel comfortable with it enough they weren't going to bail from the line. And hopefully getting him on one ride might start to rebuild his confidence enough that they might actually get on some of the other rides in the park and be able to salvage the trip farther.

They had gotten into the raft, though Eth had noted as he nudged across the bench, "It's all wet."

"It's a river ride," Erin had patronized.

"Does that mean we're going to get wet?" Eth asked.

"Likely," she said flatly and gave Jay a look. She didn't look overly thrilled about that. But she'd been complaining about the humidity too, so maybe this would shut her up. Though, humidity didn't really do much to help you dry off quick, no matter what the temperature outside. And damp underwear was never that pleasant to walk around in. Though, they'd technically been planning to head back to the hotel for a break around noon. Not that it was looking like it was quite going to work out that way.

Ethan's trepidation about if he wanted to attempt the ride faded after the raft started moving. They again got their own dinosaur safari tour from the kid as they floated passed two grazing Ultrasaurus and Psittacosaurus. Two types of dinosaurs that Jay wasn't sure he'd known existed. He might've heard the kid mention them before but now he knew what they looked like.

The kid had got that huge smile again when they went behind a waterfall – taking some spray that actually felt pretty nice in the heat, and Jay could stand heat. This was nothing compared to Afghanistan. He thought he'd take humidity over that fucking dry heat any day. As they came out on the other side of the falls, three stegosaurus greeted them.

"Look at how big they are!" Eth had said and shuffled closer to Erin to gaze over on that side of the boat. She'd wrapped her arm around him a bit and allowed her own little smile. Jay could see how much she was enjoying watching Eth's little quirks and obsessions come to life. But she'd spent thirteen years hearing about the dinosaurs. Watching that little boy fascination grow – not fade.

Little composgnathuses, like from the second movie, fought over a popcorn box and another dinosaur surfaced right next to their boat casting up spray.

"Parasaurolophus!" Ethan grinned, pointing at it like they couldn't see the thing. "Mom bought me that one when I was little."

"She did," Erin agreed, setting her chin on the top of his head again. She'd been doing that a lot on the trip too as she went into caretaker mode – and not sister mode – and was trying to look after him and enjoy him as a little guy and not just he annoying baby brother. Jay suspected she'd likely miss when – if – Eth ever did hit his growth spurt and managed to sprout enough that she wasn't able to easily do that when he went looking for her affections.

"They're one of my favorites," Eth muttered, his eyes still following it.

"I know …" Erin allowed.

"A ornithopod," he mumbled in his quiet awe. "Late Cretaceous. It's a herbivore. It can walk biped and quadruped. There's three known species. They've found some fossils in Utah."

"Mmm …," Erin allowed again.

But it was while Eth was still admiring that fake dinosaur that warning alarms started sounding and an announcement came on advising passengers that the wake from the parasaurolophus coming up had sent their raft off-course. They were about to enter the raptor containment area.

But that just made Eth sit up straighter – moving away from the minor cuddle with his sister to gaze around at the towering, but very damaged, barriers and fencing they were passing.

"Are we going to see the raptors over here?" he asked, eagerly, giving Jay a look.

Jay shrugged. But he actually wasn't sure. He hadn't watched the videos for the rides online. He'd been much more interested in crowd projections and wait time projections and strategies for moving through the parks to make the best use of your time and tickets. What the rides had actually looked like when you were on-board was kind of secondary to him. Besides, he sort of felt watching the videos would just ruin the ride – and any surprises they might have – anyways. Beyond that, he knew that watching something on a screen never compared to real life.

The raft drifted a bit, heading pasted another tour boat – it flipped upside down and a dinosaur clearly eating on the opposite side of it, presumably one of the passengers who'd gotten stuck under it.

Eth's eyes started at it only to dart to the opposite side of the boat as the telltale grunts and groans of another – bigger – feeding animal reverberated on the opposite side. A huge concrete wall towered there but then suddenly a Jeep landed on top of it, teetering and then pushed over, craning down toward them, causing some yelps of surprise to come out of other guests onboard. But Eth just gazed at it in fascination, shifting slightly again to lean against his sister, who returned her arm over his shoulder.

"The T-Rex does that in the movie," he said quietly.

"Uh-oh," Erin said teasingly, giving Jay a little look and a little smile and adjusting herself a bit too to lean against him for the rest of the show. He took it, draping his arm across her shoulder too.

Eth's eyes tracked the scene only to suddenly point. "That's Nedry's Barbasol can," he said and Jay's eyes searched for what he saw. A spotted Easter Egg on the ride, a hint of what was to come. And Eth just nailed it. "With the embryos! There's gonna to be a DILOPHOSAURUS!" he yelled, pulling slightly away from Erin again to glance around. "It killed Nedry!"

And sure enough, one of the things popped out of the bushes, its intricate collar blazing out from around its neck and then it spit – spraying them with "VENOM!" Eth said excited as he reached to wipe away the "toxic venom" water that had hit them – that likely was in the very least unsanitary.

Eth seemed to caught up in the dinosaurs he was seeing – and potentially more that he was going to see – he didn't even seem to notice or mind when the raft started to enter the dark Environmental Systems Building and slowly being its ascend up the long hill. He just kept looking to this side and that as red emergency lights flashed and warning alarms blared. On a loud speaker it was announced that an emergency evacuation was going to be attempted.

"This isn't good," Ethan muttered but kept scanning the area. "The raptors are likely in here. They're always in the dark buildings in the movies."

Erin let out a little amused sound and gave Jay another look. He let himself smile too and gave a little shrug.

It only lasted a second because Erin startled a bit in her look at him and he glanced behind his shoulder as other guests around them shrieked too. A raptor had just lunged out behind him.

"AWESOME!" Eth provided and nudged closer. He likely wished he was on that side of the raft. But he his chance as another raptor appeared on his side and he grinned up at its snarling teeth. "They're the ones from the original movie," he said. "Not Jurassic World. Likely since Blue and her pack are outside."

"Likely …," Erin agreed with even greater amusement. Apparently they were going to pretend to forget that the only raptor that survived in that movie was Blue. Suspending disbelief. It was the only way any of this was working.

It was only as the raft clicked in its finally ascent that Eth squinted over at Jay. "Is this a rollercoaster?" he said a little accusingly over the sound.

Jay shook his head. "Nope," he assured. "We're just going down a hill."

Eth eyes stayed on him. "I'm gonna be kinda really pissed if you're lying," he said.

"Not lying," Jay promised but he wasn't sure if Eth had heard it, because suddenly a claw fell through the ceiling and everyone on board jumped at the clatter – which was followed by a roar and a tyrannosaurus head growling out at them.

" .GOD!" Ethan declared.

"Language," Erin managed – though none of them had been overly great with that so far that day. It was a good thing Voight wasn't there. He'd be garnishing Eth's allowance and their wages – or at least the leftover packs he handed over to them after Sunday dinners.

And no one likely heard her anyway, because a voice over the loud speaker started blaring, "It's in the building! It's in the building! Get out of there! Get out of there now!" Followed by, "We've gotta contain it. We've gotta release the gases. We've gotta—"

Bells and alarms blared. A countdown started. "Emergency chute launch activated. In ten, nine, eight—" a monotone computer voice stated far too calmly.

Ethan nudged closer to his sister again. "Something really bad is about to happen …" he provided.

Erin let out another amused sound but nudged at his hands, getting him to grip at the padded rail in front of them. "You're going to want to hold on," she said.

And just in time, because suddenly the whole T-Rex emerged from a waterfall of broken pipes – its massive figure looming there in front of the raft, it's wide open mouth gnashing in their direction, only for the whole world to drop out from underneath them as they plunged down the "evacuation chute" a massive wake splashing up over the entire raft as they ended up back in the lagoon leading to the unloading dock.

"WE HAVE GOTTA DO THAT AGAIN!" Ethan grinned completely dripping wetting.

"Uh-huh," Erin managed, casting Jay a look with her completely straggled hair and her soaked tshirt.

"Good thing you didn't go with white," he offered. Though, he probably would've liked that view even better than the one he was getting.

"No kidding …," she said and looked down, pulling at the fabric of her low-cut teal shirt. Trying to get it to stop clinging to each and every one of her curves, which Jay was of the opinion she should really show off more than she did. To him. Not so much to anyone else.

Of course after they disembarked, they got to exit through the gift shop. That had stalled Eth in his desire to go on again at least temporarily. They'd easily killed about twenty minutes in there watching him touch everything and hum-and-ha over how to spend his money until they put down their ultimatum about the purchases. Not only did they not want to drag them around – if they were going to go on the ride again, the stuff was just going to get soaked.

That had helped move him on too. Because there was no way he was going to let any of his dino stuff get wet. That'd just ruin it. Apparently.

They did the ride again. And again. Eth wanted to do it a fourth time. But they started herding him back toward his raptors. He was agreeable to that. They were still a priority. Maybe a bigger priority – now that he'd seen the raptors on the ride, which he thought looked "pretty decently real". But he was fully expecting the ones at the photo-op encounter to be just as interactive as the triceratops. He was likely going to be super disappointed if they weren't.

Their timing to get back there had been pretty spot-on. They'd actually had to wait a couple minutes for the line attendant to be able to scan them through and send them to the front. By the time they got there, there were just a few other groups in that little holding area. And there wasn't a raptor in the containment area. A switch was clearly happening.

"I wonder which one we'll get," Eth said, near bouncing with his excitement.

"They'll all be fun," Erin put to him, trying to numb his expectations and his potential disappointment if it wasn't Blue that got brought out.

"They'll all be fun," Ethan agreed. "But some are better than others."

The actor up there playing gamekeeper was giving a little spiel again about the raptors – and just raptors, in general. Eth kept leaning into them and whispering "That's kinda wrong."

"Shh …," Erin had said knocking up the rim on his cap and giving him serious eyes. But he just shrugged at her. He was perfectly content being a dinosaur know-it-all. He wasn't going to make any apologies about it.

Finally the lights started flashing on the top of the pen and Eth pressed up in his crutches, locking his elbows to give him a couple extra inches of height in an effort to catch sight of which dino was coming out. There wasn't much to see at first. Just ferns and grass thrashing around. But then a towering dinosaur came into the opening.

"CHARLIE!" Ethan cheered, all grins again. He smiled up at them. "Charlie's pretty good he assured."

He fidgeted restlessly as they worked through the couple families in front of them. Watching their interactions with the dinosaur – which was clearly quite the character. Jay stared at it from that distance trying to figure out if it was some sort of animatronic robot or if it was some kind of elaborate puppet or just a costume. It was really hard to tell from that distance. It was likely a combination of all three. Whatever it was, it was a pretty impressive design.

"What you think, Eth?" he asked, as they waited.

"She's awesome," he said, as Charlie roared and shrieked and gnashed her teeth. There were a couple women and little kids who decided they didn't want to get anywhere near it after the nine-foot towering dinosaur with giant claws, big teeth and endless chirping and thrashing emerged. "She's way bigger than the raptors on the ride," he added.

"Guess InGen figured out how to engineer them better," Jay offered.

Eth made a sound of vague disagreement but he didn't offer up his own explanation. He just stared in utter fascination as Charlie completely freaked out when one middle-aged man who'd gone up to her wearing Packers green and gold. Apparently she wasn't a Packers fan – or just didn't like those colors. She crunched at one woman's bun and got chastised by her handler about getting a hairball. And she generally freaked out children and adults a like ahead of them. Mostly because they looked her in the eye – apparently that was a form of aggressive behavior that the raptor didn't tolerate.

"Getting nervous?" Erin teased Eth, giving his shoulders a little shake and squeezing them in both her hands.

"Nooo," he said and cast her a look. "I live with Dad. I know how deal with bad tempers."

Erin barely contained a laugh at that. Jay saw how her amusement shook through her own shoulders and she cast him her own look. She was trying to keep her smile at that comment in check too. But she didn't disagree with Eth at all. He likely had a point. Though, Jay thought it was Erin who was likely a bigger expert at taming the temperamental beasts – PLURAL – in that family. Though, he also wouldn't be surprised if he vocalized that if she made sure he knew that he was included on that list too. And, that likely wouldn't be a point he'd argue with her either.

Some groups were instructed to back up to the enclosure so she didn't see their faces at all. But that seemed to just prompt complete disinterest from the animal who decided she was more interested in exploring the shrubbery around her in the enclosure – ass and tail in the air. She'd then get coaxed back to the nervous group and encouraged to nuzzle with them. All the people she did that to looked like they expected they were about to get their heads bit off at any second. Likely a right reaction since the raptor barred its teeth – perfectly framing one person's head just as the on-site, pay-a-stupid amount photographer snapped a photo for them.

One of the handlers came up to them in line. "How many?" he asked, holding up three fingers at them in question.

"Umm …," Erin said and glanced at Jay but then looked back to Eth who was already excitedly starting to crutch forward. "Three," she agreed. "But can we just let him have a minute with her?"

"Sure," the guy nodded, and gestured for Eth to keep coming forward while he gestured for them to go stand near the photographer umbrella. "You want to put down your personal items," he instructed.

And Jay listened, hauling the backpack he'd been hauling around, with all the junk that you had to haul around with you when Eth was with you, off his back. But he only let his arm come down briefly, because both him and Erin had their phones out trying to capture that moment for Eth.

She glanced at him. "I'm doing video. You get some stills."

He grunted vague acknowledgement but he was keeping his attention all on Eth.

"Where you from?" the handler asked Ethan as he guided him up.

"Chicago," Ethan provided. He was putting on a bit of his shy tone again. The one where he shied away from people when he thought they might be looking at him – that he might be on display. Which he clearly was. Everyone at the front of the line was going to get to watch his interaction with the raptor – they were going to look at him and see the crutches and see the scar on his face and his mangled ear. Or at least that's what Ethan thought people saw when they looked at him. The people who spent the most time around him hardly even noticed those things. And these nobodies at the park? They were looking at the raptor – not him. The only ones paying him mind right then where him and Erin – and the handler engaging him in this little conversation in giving him his little Mickey Mouse moment.

"Chicago?" he asked. "All the way from Chicago?"

"Yea," Ethan acknowledged, like it really was so far. But to that kid – who'd never been much of anywhere, it really was. "We flew."

The handler gave him a smile. "Much faster than a boat. Now, do you have any pets at home in Chicago?"

"Yea," Ethan allowed, starting to look a little more hesitant about his approach up to the raptor. The thing had suddenly taken an acute interest in him – lowering more to Eth's level and leaning out of the enclosure, snapping and squawking out calls in his direction. "We have a dog."

"That's great," the handler said, putting a light hand on his shoulder. "A raptor is exactly … nothing like a dog. So you're just going to need to approach very—" Charlie whinnied up and nudged forward more, her head coming down more and stretching out further. "Oh," the handler said and looked at Eth's crutches. "Charlie loves shiny things. Kind of like a crow. I think she's taking a real liking to you."

"I like her too," Ethan said, his crutch was close enough to the thing now that it audible sniffed at it. "She's my second favorite."

However the things were set up, it'd clearly heard that and let out a louder squawk, whinnying up and snapping in Eth's direction. He darted back slightly. But the raptor again lowered its head and stared at him.

"Oh, she doesn't do that with just anyone," the handler said. "I think she really does like you. She's going to let you pet her."

"Really?" Eth asked and glanced at the guy nervously.

The dinosaur hadn't let anyone do that yet. In fact, it seemed to be discouraged. But Jay suspected it might be more special treatment. The disability pass and maybe whoever was on the other end of that dinosaur's optical unit, could see the crutches and the scars on Eth, who looked closer to ten than he did thirteen. It was the same reason that Jay suspected that it was Eth who was picked out of their group in the Discovery Center to name the newborn raptor and get the certificate. He had mixed feelings about Eth being centered out like that. But he wouldn't say anything to the kid about why it might be he was getting the special treatment. He'd keep that opinion to himself. And he'd just let the kid enjoy the moment. He deserved it. He'd been dreaming about it. And it was sort of nice to live vicariously through him.

The handler nodded. "Just go slowly and gently."

Eth pulled his tremoring hand off his crutch and reached to stroke at its muzzle. "Hey, Charlie. I know what it's like to be the youngest in the family too," Ethan told the thing. "And to have a bossy older sister who's always telling you want to do and you hafta listen to."

"That's nice …," Erin muttered next to Jay but he just nudged her and gave a little smile of his own. Erin was pretty bossy with Ethan. With anyone really. But it came out of a place of love.

The dinosaur must've thought it was a nice thing to say, though, because Jay swore it somehow near smiled at the kid with all its pointy teeth and then flicked up, snapping at the brim of his cap.

"Hey, hey, Charlie," the handler chastised, stepping forward and holding up his hand in some kind of command. "I know we all want to get on the Cubs bandwagon these days – but that's not yours. Raptors don't play baseball."

"Basketball," Eth said, still staring at Charlie in complete awe – even bigger awe and she roared to her full height at the handler's correction of her behavior.

The guy gave Eth an entertained smile at his little quip. The kid wasn't dumb. At all. And that guy could see that too. He gestured over at them.

"We gonna get Mom and Dad in for the picture?" he asked.

Erin sputtered a bit at that and looked at him but, he shrugged. It wasn't them who had to correct them, though. Eth decided to, glancing over his shoulder to them, as they started to come over.

"That's my bossy, alpha sister," he provided.

"Ethan," Erin groaned at him.

But it didn't last long because it was like Charlie had once again heard and she growled and thrashed around, clearly in Erin's direction.

"What's her problem?" Erin rolled her eyes.

"Oh, Charlie isn't going to like anyone challenging the superiority of the alpha in the pack," the handler said.

"And you're the same color as her," Ethan said, gesturing at her soaking wet teal tshirt that was still sticking to all the right places for if they were home alone, but didn't really make appropriate attire for a family photo. At least not one they could share much of anywhere. "She likely doesn't like that."

Erin glance down at her shirt and then looked at the dinosaur – taking in its scales. Jay couldn't believe just how fucking real the thing looked. As he got closer he could start to see some of the little tells about the puppetry and technology that was actually going into pulling off the illusion. But it was still a pretty fucking good illusion. The way it sounded. The way it moved.

"Sorry," Erin said. "I didn't know I'd be twinning with a dinosaur."

Charlie roared and flailed around at that – teeth and claws slashing at the air.

"Erin, you're getting her all upset," Eth chastised.

The handler nodded. "I think you two better show some deverence to her and turn your backs to her."

"Seriously?" Erin said. But the handler and Ethan just gave her an unimpressed look.

"C'mon," Jay said and nudged at her shoulder, both of them turning around and taking some steps back.

"Just keep coming back nice and slow," the handler said and then his hand stopped them. And he also re-arranged Ethan, clearly looking more to the photographers to make sure they were framed the way the two people with cameras under the umbrella wanted.

With their backs up against to the paddock and to the raptor – Jay could now feel its actual breath against his neck and understood why people had squirmed when they'd been placed there for the shot.

"Now, be nice, Charlie," the handler said. "Why don't you give them some nuzzles. Show Chicago how nice you are."

There was a squawk and then Jay felt the thing nudging at his cheek. "I think she likes my vacation stubble more than you."

"Charlie, stop hitting on my fiancée," Erin instructed, her hand gripping at his, only to grip more when there was another noise out of the creature behind them and Erin made a sound of her own. "It's eating my hair."

"Hey, hey, Charlie," the handler chastised again. "No one wants to see a raptor hairball."

More movement behind them and suddenly there was a raptor shoving its head between the three of them. It's teeth bared and Eth staring up at it with his teeth bared just as much – but his in a big, wide grin as him and Erin gaped at the reality of the monster that had just pushed its way between them – looking quite pleased with itself.

"Got it!" the photographer called.

And the handler gave him a little smile and nodded for them to move to the exit. Eth hesitated a bit, still staring at the animal. Jay knew he'd sit there and talk with it all day – the same way he did with Bear – if he could. But he Erin gave his hand a little squeeze and nudged him slightly.

"See alpha," he nodded at Charlie, who shrieked some raptor sound at Erin again. But it made Ethan smile and he looked up at his sister with real thankfulness. She smiled at him too and gave him a bit firmer nudge to come on.

And they went. And stood at the monitor and gazed at the series of snaps that the photographer had taken of them – of his family – up there with the thing. They were truly awful. They were soaking wet from their repeated adventures on the ride. They were flushed with the Florida heat and sun – reddening their snow white skin from their Chicago winter. But they were also truly amazing. The looks on all their faces. There. In that moment.

And Jay fished out his wallet – before even waiting for Ethan to ask. He pointed at the last photo – the one with Charlie coming right between them but looking so much like she was just supposed to be a part of their family – much to their surprise. But, the fucked-up little family that Jay had found for himself – that he was working at making for himself, that he'd keep working at making for himself and establishing – surprised him regularly too.

"We'll take that one," he said and glanced at Erin's cocked eyebrow about his usual tight-wad spending habits. "For prosperity."

 **AUTHOR NOTE:**

 **This is Part 4 of the same "scene" all from Jay's POV. Part 3 was posted less than 24 hours ago — Trail of Discovery. Part 1 and Part 2 were posted close together as well — Jurassic Moment and Turning Blue. Please make sure you had the opportunity to see them both.**

 **OK. That ended up going a different way then I intended too. I still haven't ended up writing the Jay and Erin conversation I intended to have in this scene. But it as going to be a lot of exposition anyways. I might still write it. Or i might jump to something else at this point. I just got really wrapped up in the excitement of the dinosaurs. SO I wrote what I wanted to write. You can love it or hate it. Whatever.**

 **Some clarification that's been asked for … this would be happening over Eth's spring break — which would land around Easter 2017. So mid-to-late April 2017. Also, of note, it'd be happening not long before what is Erin's birthday. And so then it'd also be happening not too long before when she would've gotten pregnant in Scenes.**

 **If I keep on going with the Florida trip some references will be made to all those holidays/anniversaries/issues.**

 **So anyways … I might … maybe … do a Part 5 of this "scene". Or I might jump into something else Florida related.**

 **Alternatively, I do have ideas for chapters based around some of what happened in this week's ep. Mostly a Hank/Al chapter and possibly a Hank/Erin and then to a lesser extent a Erin/Jay.**

 **For Florida … I've previously outlined what I'm thinking. Haven't entirely decided the if and how to structure any of that yet since this took on so much of a life of its own and has gone on much longer than expected. But generally, several readers who review or DM seem to be enjoying it, so I might keep playing around with this trip for a bit. It's sort of nice to have something a little different and a bit lighter to be writing about. As a change of pace. But I'm sure it will get old as a writer and reader soon enough.**

 **As always, your readership, reviews, comments and feedback is appreciated.**


	18. Mission Accomplished

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

 **PLEASE NOTE: the previous chapter — Part 4 of Jay's POV, ALPHA OF THE PACK — was posted with less than 24 hours between postings so some people might've missed it, based on numbers. You might want to check.**

Erin strained her neck, leaning off the couch as she heard the door into their bedroom area open. She saw Jay peek inside and see gave him a wave, assuring him it was safe to enter, jutting her finger in the direction of Ethan's bedroom – where the last time she'd gotten up to check on him, he was completely passed out.

That hadn't been Ethan's plan for the afternoon. But she was glad it was his body's plan – even if he might be a little frustrated or disappointed with it all when he did wake up. He needed it. He really needed to take these rest and cool down periods or else they were going to be in for a mess. But it'd still been a bit of a mess pulling him away from Jurassic Park after they'd finished with their lunch.

He'd immediately decided that he was ready and confident enough to brave the last few rides in the section – even though two of them were rollercoasters, though kiddie ones that looked beyond tame and the one – the Dino-Soarin', he'd refused to go on despite staring at it forever in his sulk, because he thought it was for toddlers. And it was. But now apparently he thought it'd be "like a reserve throwback Thursday – hashtag!"

And it was no wonder Ethan couldn't fit in – because she'd really tried to get that to make sense. But it didn't. In any way. He'd never done the stupid ride before. Though, there would be some sort of irony in her baby brother getting on a ride that he probably would've loved as a toddler but was only managing to get on it now. And after seeing the way he'd lit up most of the day – with each and every dinosaur they saw – he'd likely still look like that little boy if he did go on it. The one she'd play dinosaurs with on the floor of the front room of Hank and Camille's house. So she might be willing to let him go on it. But she wasn't willing to go on it with him. Because she wanted to get photographic evidence – for his #TBT, which she wouldn't let him post anywhere – but would shoot off to Hank.

Reality, was though, they hadn't gotten onto Isla Nublar: Reign of Indominus yet. Ethan was expressing firm – and vocal – interest in getting on that ride and seeing Indominus after having now seen the other dinosaurs, particularly the raptors and T-Rex. He wanted to see what they'd done with his fucking beloved (fake) monster. And Jay seemed to think that was a good idea. Erin wasn't so sure, though. Not after the Flying Dinosaur debacle.

She knew the majority of the rides at the park that weren't rollercoasters or kiddie riders were going to be like the Indominus ride. A 3D or 4D (whatever the hell that was) motion simulators that were rough and jerky and kind of intense. And if Eth decided he didn't like those either they might be kind of screwed for the rest of the trip.

So, selfishly, she didn't want him to make that decision until he got on one of the Harry Potter rides. She was going to be pretty disappointed if she didn't get on any of the Harry Potter rides. She might've skimped on her research when she had Eth and Jay charting out every move. But she had looked into Harry Potter. Because that was something she wanted to give to Eth – to share with her baby brother. To take him there for Camille. To get her little boy who lived down to see and experience the fantasy world she'd tried to share with all her kids. How she'd tried to bring that appreciation of literature into their lives gently by exposing them to a little bit of magic. That maybe they all needed even then. Erin wanted to see that world for Camille – and how Eth related to it. To just remember it for the family. Experience it for all of them.

But Erin's research into the offerings in the Harry Potter sections told her that though there were some shows and interactive experiences in the rebuilt immersive environments they'd built from the movies over there, the two main rides were these 3D/4D motion simulator things. The other few rides were rollercoasters – that she already wasn't certain they'd get Eth on, even though he'd whined the argument there at the lunch table that he "really wanted" to go on the Canopy Copter and the Amber Alert: Forbidden Mine Run in Jurassic Park. He likely was just presenting that as a way to try to exert his control and get to stay longer – even though he was fading in front of them.

They saw through it. Because both her and Jay knew the rides left in Jurassic Park were really only a secondary priority for Ethan, though. The real reason he was going to want to get back into that section of Islands of Adventure was because they hadn't yet let him go into Camp Jurassic and explore the dig site and the amber mines and the various abandoned building and paddocks in there.

Basically, it was just a giant playground. A play area for little kids to run off steam – and somehow it looked like kids still had a lot of energy to burn even after being in the parks. Erin wasn't entirely sure how they were accomplishing that. Between the heat and the crowds and the walking and the waiting – it was making her as a grown, healthy person ready for some fucking downtime.

But not Ethan. And with Eth and the word dig site always got him going – especially when this one looked massively sophisticated. Beyond that there was a climbing wall in there that he wanted to demonstrate his prowess on. Or, more likely, he just wanted to get to the top to be able to claim the prize that apparently was up there for those who made it. A prize that Erin fully expected wouldn't be anymore thrilling than the eggs full of junk he'd gotten at the trivia game show. And definitely not worth the $12 up-charge to get to do the climb.

They'd ended up having to pulled the adult card – and reminded him about who got the final say on the trip and how his attitude and behavior affected their decisions about what he was really capable of in a given day. They'd still gotten some crossed arm and sulking with that. But he'd relented. It likely proved they were hard-asses with him enough on a regular basis that he didn't want to test them. Besides, he also knew that they had a whole pile of homework sitting in the hotel room that they could just plop him down in front of any time and refuse to let him move from the desk in the room until it was done. He wasn't going to risk that.

And – even if he didn't want to admit it – he was fading and wilting in the heat too. And he was cold from the wet of the repeated adventures down the raft ride. They all needed to get out of the heat – and the air conditioning at the lunch restaurant wasn't cutting it, because in their soaking wet clothing, Ethan had just been sitting there with chattering teeth and shivering so much that you could barely tell if it was his tremor, if he was flaring with the humidity, or if he was just freezing.

That'd sort of worked out in his favor, though. Because Jay the Softie had ended up going back to the gift shop and buying the kid a fucking raptor DNA tshirt and a Jurassic Park beach towel. She'd raised her eyebrow at that. But he'd just shrugged at her, as he draped the giant towel over Eth's shoulders like a blanket and gave them a bit of a scrub in a small effort to warm him up until they got moving again.

Jay was more like Hank than he wanted to admit. When it came to Ethan. And she suspected – from the more she got to see him – when it came to fatherhood, she'd see more glimpses of those qualities too. Hank's more positive attributes – when he wasn't going completely off his rails.

But Jay fussed and worried about Ethan. Eth's situation at school didn't help. And him being sick and on a medical trial that involved one of the last chemo medications Jay's mom had been on – didn't help either. Some of it was clearly Jay projecting. He could get worked up and upset really easily when it came to Eth. And around the chemo doses – Jay became a bit of a mother hen. It was like he was trying to appease his guilt about not being around enough while his mom was sick and directing all of that into making sure Eth pulled through the other end of each dose unscathed. Or as unscathed as possible.

It'd lead to a lot of movie marathons in Eth's treatment weeks during the winter. Even earlier this month. It'd worked out OK. They'd worked on their Harry Potter marathon and had to watch ALL the Star Wars movies again. But there'd also been efforts to get him up to speed on other movies in the parks. It'd been a total boy fest. Ethan had loved getting to flop under loads of blankets on the couch in front of his flatscreen. Even Will had come over for some of the movies.

And, Hank had initiated a few movie nights of his own over at his place. He was working through a bunch of the old Hitchcock movies and Twilight Zone episodes with Ethan. Ones that him and Camille had watched. And, Ethan had told her one day that "I think Mom might've been a lot cooler than I remember. But I guess I don't remember much about her. But I think maybe Dad was cooler when she was around too." And it was a statement that had so much truth to it – but stung so much too. Erin had hoped that Eth didn't share that reflection with his dad – because it'd likely break his heart a bit more than it already was. And it was really those heartbreaks that had made him colder.

At their house, though, Jay and Eth had been watching Indiana Jones and Back to the Future and Jaws and King Kong and Transformers and Men in Black and the Mummy and Fast and the Furious and Guardians of the Galaxy and Beetlejuice and and Ghostbusters and Twister and the Blues Brothers. There'd been some minor deviations when Henry had been around – a reasonable excuse for them to indulge in some of the Muppets movies, and the Cars movies and the Despicable Me movies and the Shrek movies … apparently. Just like little brothers, having baby nephews came with benefits in masking your majority and revisiting juvenile interests and memories.

Erin had opted out of a lot of the movies. It was little too much of a sausage fest for her. And none of it was exactly high caliber entertainment. Though, it was slightly better than watching any of Jay's, Ethan's or Hank's documentaries. You could only hear so much about Planet Earth, dinosaurs or the Second World War on repeat. But, she'd still much prefer to sit with any of them when they stared at one of their sports games. She really just had to share space with them then and zone out.

Still, even though she got on Jay's case about projecting his baggage onto Eth too much – there was something nice about watching them spend time together. It was this strange telling glimpse into her future – and about the man she was investing her time and life with. About what having kids with him might be like. Not just the kind of man he was – but the kind of father he would be. It gave her glimpses at his approach to parenting. How he'd want to raise kids. And, maybe it was a bit of a crash course for both of them about what worked and didn't work. Or at least what worked and didn't work with that age group. Or maybe just what worked and didn't work with Ethan. Though, it was funny. The times they did volunteer to take Henry for an afternoon or evening so Olive could take a shift or work on school work or just get some errands done without the baby in tow – which really only came as a request so often, because if Hank was available, he usually swooped in before they got the chance. But, in a lot of ways some of the skills and methods they'd been testing out and using with Ethan they were adjusting slightly and applying to a toddler. Erin wasn't sure what that said about Ethan. Or Henry. Or kids in general. But it made her feel like maybe having a baby or toddler – though, likely insanely exhausting and occasionally tiresome all on its own – might be something they could both realistically handle. Sort of.

But seeing the time Jay and Ethan took together – it wasn't just about Jay's projecting and baggage. It was about Eth's too. About how insecure and upset he'd gotten in that first month after Justin died and her and Jay had given Hank and Ethan so much space. How she couldn't be around them or that house. And how much it impacted Ethan. How much he thought that Jay didn't want to associate with him or had only been friendly with him because he was her little brother. That Jay didn't really like him or want to spend time with him. They hadn't been able to let that fester. It was another relationship they had to work on repairing – for Eth's sake. One that she wasn't going to carry responsibility for having wrecked.

Because there was also just the reality that she knew Eth needed more than her. And he needed more than Hank. He needed that young man he could relate to a little bit more than his old man. He wanted that too. He wanted that friend and protector. That older brother. The one that he hadn't really gotten to have. And, Erin, supposed in a lot of ones, the one Jay hadn't really gotten to have either but didn't seem to mind being for Eth.

It'd been strange since Justin died watching Ethan trying more to reach out and connect with Jay. Some of it felt forced and desperate. But he so wanted it and needed it. It was the same reason he was trying so hard to let himself connect with Olive and find something in common with her and to share with her. And he was striving with all his little boy brain and attitude could muster to figure out how to be a good uncle to Henry. Rather than spending time with friends or his dad on weekends, he was regularly asking for Henry to get brought over to the house. If that couldn't or wouldn't happen, he was asking to go over to the condo to see his nephew. He was trying to play with him and teach him things. He was asking to take him down to the playground and wanting to be with Olive when she took Henry to the museum and the aquarium and the science center. He wanted to be involved. And he so desperately wanted to be someone that Henry would like too. Someone Henry would want to be around.

She knew Ethan struggled with that. That he wasn't entirely sure how to relate to a year-and-a-half-year-old. That sometimes he lamented that Henry didn't seem to like him or listen to him or pay attention or want to play. And it didn't seem to matter how many times they told him that Henry was still just a baby and was just treating him the way babies treated people. Henry just wanted to do his own thing and discovery things his own ways and interact with them on his own terms. That watching those discoveries and helping him learn how to interact with things was where the fun was supposed to come in. That the find of things that Ethan wanted to do with him – Henry wouldn't be that much fun at until he was three or four. Or maybe even more like five, six, seven or eight. That it wouldn't be until he was a pre-schooler or a kindergartener or a little boy in public school that Ethan had his little buddy that he seemed to really want.

And he just had to be patient and had to keep showing an interest and playing with him and talking to him and giving it time and developing that relationship. It was a process Erin had to go through with Ethan as a baby. But maybe with being older and a girl – and feeling like she had a responsibility to Ethan and as a member of that household and as a thank you to the Voights for all the sacrifices they'd made for her and how they'd fought for her – she just rolled with it better. It wasn't something that Justin had rolled with as well. And he was closer to Ethan's age when his brother was born. The age Eth was now with Henry.

But Erin was going to hope that relationship worked out differently than the one Ethan had established with his brother. She was going to hope that Eth didn't get frustrated or annoyed. That Henry lighting up when he saw Ethan and doing his little shriek of "My-Ewww!" and happy little dance made up for him not wanting to play dinosaurs or Hot Wheels quite the way Ethan thought they should be playing. And for him not being quite ready to show any interest in baseball yet and being far more interested in toddling full-steam-ahead after one of Jay's soccer balls than he was in learning how to catch any size ball. And she'd have to hope too that by the time Henry had developed into that funny little buddy for Ethan to relive parts of his childhood with and to share kiddie movies with and dig out long-lost toys and giant Lego sets with, that the young man Eth had grown into would still want to play and be that fun, go-to uncle for his nephew.

It was a lot to keep into perspective. But anything with Ethan was a lot to keep in perspective. But it did mean she wasn't getting on Jay too much about the way he was fussing over and doting on Eth so far on the trip.

She'd given him a couple warnings that she wasn't going to be the bad cop while he got to play good cop on the trip. But he'd given Eth that "dad tone" a couple times already too. The warning. And sometimes Eth seemed more scared to challenge Jay than her. He didn't talk back or give lip to Jay in quite the same way she got. But Eth did try to play Jay. Test him. See if he could find little loopholes or work around rules that Jay might not fully be aware of. But Eth was quickly learning that those loopholes and grey areas were becoming fewer and fewer with time. But it was still more likely that it'd be Jay who'd nudge and chip at his dad's rules a bit more than her. Spoil him – in a different way than maybe she or Hank did. Or at least he had different goal posts set up and different ways of scoring points – and sometimes Ethan seemed to like those rules of play a bit better. There were days they seemed either a little more motivating or achievable.

So her little brother had been thrilled with the purchases gifted to him that afternoon. His shirt got changed right at the table and Jay had taken him to the washroom to get him changed out of the bottoms that were as equally soaked. But they did carry extra bathroom emergency and embarrassment clothing for that side of Ethan with them. And thanks to Jay's military packing of their day-pack, it'd somehow managed to survive three fucking rides on River Adventure without getting soaked too.

And even though Erin knew that Jay had gone on his own bathroom run and disappeared into that gift shop to get the items because he couldn't stand sitting across the table from Eth watching him shivering and sat there fidgeting and verbally worrying that he might be going into a flare or that with the temperatures they kept the A/C at down there, he was going to get pneumonia again walking around wet like that, the purchases had been presented in one of those ultimatums Jay used with Eth so often. He'd done something, he'd received a reward or necessity because of it, and here's what that meant. And in this case, that meant that they weren't going to be going the gift shop again right then.

If they came back that night – which Ethan proclaimed as absolutely necessary – he could look after they finished the rides he wanted to go on – if, and only if, there was still time. And that they were only going to spend 10 minutes in there max. Ethan seemed pretty certain that there'd be that much time available time – because he'd undoubtedly make time – so he hadn't argued.

Besides, his attention got shifted to getting to take the new towel down to the pool and try out the lazy river and to check to see what movie was playing that night. Because her baby brother somehow thought he was going to survive a morning at the Jurassic Park, an afternoon at the pool, an evening back in the parks and then still be awake enough to go to the fucking dive-in movie that night. Mostly, because he was convinced they'd have to play Jurassic Park – one of them at least – at some point during their trip and he definitely wasn't going to miss it. Even though, they had all of them at home and he could watch them whenever he wanted and generally did.

Though, not in a pool. Apparently floating – and freezing – in a pool for two hours to watch a movie made it much more exciting. Erin wasn't sure she saw the thrill. But she knew he forced that supposed thrill on Hank whenever he took her brother to Lake Geneva for a weekend too. Ethan was way too easily thrilled. She wasn't sure if that was a good thing or bad thing.

Ethan had maintained his stance on wanting to go down to the pool when they got back to the hotel. He hadn't cared that wasn't her and Jay's plan. He'd gotten changed. And when Erin was still taking her sweet-ass time, in the hopes that he'd change his fucking mind, he'd turned on ESPN and started watching baseball, "There's only two innings left," Ethan had informed her. "And I'm watching Philly play after this. So you better be ready."

She'd rolled her eyes. But had humored him – deciding that a float around the lazy river or grabbing a lounger with her book and occasionally glancing up to make sure Eth hadn't managed to drown on his way around the fucking thing – might be just as relaxing as being cooped up in the room with him, listening to him watch baseball and refusing to sleep. Maybe it'd actually get him to sleep. She could assign him some chapters out of Harry Potter and toss him in a lounger with his new beach towel too and hope he ended up taking a nap that way.

It'd all been a moot point, though. Because by the time she'd finished doing a quick pool-ready touch-up shave on her legs and putting on her suit, she'd found him passed out in his bedroom, the dinosaur towel still wrapped around him and the game still going as white noise. Apparently Ethan's body wasn't down with his pool plan either. And based on the small smile that tugged at Jay's lips as he peeked into the room, Erin suspected he was still sprawled out like that.

He disappeared inside for a second. The television sound disappeared. Erin hadn't gone in for fear that entering and turning off the baseball might stir him awake. Jay was in the room for so much longer after the sound disappeared that she thought that maybe he had woken. But then she realized what he was likely doing was putting a blanket up over Eth. Or knowing Jay, he was probably setting up the heating blanket that Hank had insisted they bring along and getting it started over the kid.

A heating blanket in Florida. Though, Eth was always cold and Erin would admit that the hotel was keeping the A/C in the room at Arctic temperatures for them. Having the blanket with them likely wasn't a bad idea. Even though, she was pretty sure it was the cause of the overage charge on their baggage on the way down. And that they'd likely have to re-examine just how they were going to get everything back to Chicago if Ethan did end up spending his entire savings on everything he was seeing and thinking he wanted on the trip. Not to mention his ever-growing list of things he thought he should get for his Dad and for Olive and for Henry and for Eva and for Avery and for Evan and for Al and for Michelle and for Meredith.

Erin was pretty sure the only ones on the list who'd appreciate theme park souvenirs was likely Eva and Avery. And she planned on steering him toward key chains or mugs in the Harry Potter section for that, maybe with a pack of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans to share.

But she might be wrong. Will had done some pretty endless teasing about the whole trip in a way that had gotten Jay worked up more than once. Once to the point that she thought the two of them were going to have another blow-up. Only for it to calm enough with Will's weak mea culpa that he was sort of jealous since he'd wanted to go as a kid too, and that he'd really appreciate some Back to the Future or Jaws memorabilia, if they saw something decent. Because as much as Jay and Will butted-heads and carried a whole lot of animosity from their teens and twenties, Erin could see they were likely geeky, nerdy little boys who shared a lot of the same interests in their imaginary play and media consumption as a form of escapism when they were younger. They both liked the same kinds of ridiculous '80s and '90s movies with a smattering of things from the '70s that apparently their mom and grandfather had let them watch. Jaws at the cabin. An old fucking VSH tape of Jaws was actually still at the cabin. The player to watch it, though, was long gone. But the tape hadn't been something that had been let go of yet, though. And considering it was from his childhood memories of the cabin and his grandfather, Erin suspected that thing never would leave the place.

And it hadn't just been Will who'd eventually put in the request for some tacky souvenirs. Apparently Adam had asked Jay to be on the look out for an '80's retro Transformers tshirt that he was willing to pay prime dollar for. And Kim had messaged her that day asking if they'd been to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter yet and asking if she could bring back a couple chocolate frogs with the wizard cards for her niece. Though, seeing as she asked for a couple – and Kim only had one niece – Erin wasn't so sure they were all for her niece. Especially since Kim had been about the only one who hadn't had major commentary when she'd gotten wind about exactly what they were doing with their furlough. Nor had she had commentary when she'd seen the various Harry Potter books rotate through her locker or when she'd caught her reading one when she'd actually managed to sneak in a real lunch break in the break room one day.

Jay reappeared from Eth's room a minute later and walked through their bedroom area to join her in the little living area, pulling the sliding door almost shut as he entered. She gave him a look at that move – measuring if it was just to buffer the sound of them talking or if he had something more in mind. And if he had something more in mind, where she was at in her interest level. She was tired and kind of just wanted to keep flaking out. But she thought she could likely be easily convinced that maybe she was interested in something else.

But he had that little boy smile of his on his face. Mischievousness mixed with pride.

"Mission accomplished?" she arched her eyebrow at him.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: So I decided not to do the Part 5 of Jay POV of the day and put the information in this chapter instead from Erin's POV. However, the set up of it and her reflection of the day has gone longer than expected too. So it's also getting broken up. The Part 2 of Erin's POV will FINALLY get into some of the back-and-forth dialgoue that had been the original intention of the Jay POV Jurassic Park. But I guess I went a very different way with this all.**

 **Of note to some readers, the previous chapter — Part 4 of Jay's POV, ALPHA OF THE PACK — was posted with less than 24 hours between postings so some people might've missed it, based on numbers. You might want to check.**

 **Your readership, feedback and reviews are appreciated.**


	19. Galactic Night

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

Jay nodded and reached to pull a box he'd slipped into the back of his pants and under his tshirt, in case they had been in the room and Ethan awake.

He held it out to her and she made a quite amused sound and gave her head a little shake. "This looks like some sort of Star Wars branded condom box," she commented, as she took the box, staring at the Galactic Night label.

Jay just raised his eyebrow teasingly at that. "You saying my skills are out of this world?"

She gave him a look. "Funny," she said. "But confused."

Jay shook his head at that. "I'm pretty sure I've seen evidence to the contrary."

"Hmm …," she allowed, internally rolling her eyes. "You might be seeing less of that," she said, as she slipped the sleeve off the box and again cocked her eyebrow at him as Mickey mouse all dressed up in his Rebel pilot outfit sat at the helm of an X-Wing fighter.

"If you have a problem with their branding choice, I have the much more mature and sophisticated ones in my bag. With Trojan warriors on the label."

"That might give me slightly more confidence in the brand's quality than Mickey Mouse," she conceded. "But that character choice – a Trojan - might be over-compensating for something."

"Now are you saying that I'm all Mickey Mouse in bed?" he raised his eyebrow.

She allowed him a wry grin at that. "Some nights," she told him.

He made a faux hurt face. "Well, I'll have you know that X-Wing fighter pilot Mickey always hits his target."

"Right …," she acknowledged. "The sexual innuendo of Star Wars. Because its fanatics only get to talk about it – not do it."

"Do or do not," Jay quipped. "There is no try."

"I hope you aren't trying to get laid, because now you are definitely not," she stressed at him.

"Even with a massive box of Star Wars Galactic Nights condoms?" Jay contended.

"I think most people buying Star Wars condoms likely could've managed with one – and would've been lucky—"

"You mean gotten lucky," Jay corrected.

"Very lucky," she allowed. "A box this size," she said twisting it in her wrist up at him. "It'd last them more than a lifetime for a Star War fanatic."

Jay nodded. "You're right. Because they're all waiting for their Princess Leia."

"They're dreaming in Technicolor," Erin said flatly.

"George Lucas' company is actually called Industrial Light and Magic," Jay said, sitting down next to her on the couch. His hands reached under the throw she'd wrapped around her bare legs and rubbed up her soft, smooth skin. She really cocked her eyebrow at him at that – both his Star Wars knowledge and the touch. "And maybe not dreaming," he added. "I found my Princess Leia," he allowed in his dry teasing sap.

"Aww …," she sassed back with just as much sarcasm, pulling her legs away from him slightly. "So sweet."

"And I'm still not getting laid, am I?" he put flatly, finding her legs again and rubbing his rough, strong hands up them.

She grinned at the move but shrugged. He still had a chance. Maybe. Maybe because she knew his moves when he decided he was going to sit down with her on the couch like that and pay some attention to her legs and feet. And it usually resulted in eventually his hands moving up much farther than that at a point she was usually unlikely to deny him access to where his fingers were headed – and what she also knew he could manage when they reached their destination.

Or maybe it was just because maybe he sort of looked like Han Solo. And he'd probably sort of like to be told that in seductive sarcasm. That it might make his handy work move a little faster.

And maybe it was all sort of just as pathetic that she was able to put words like Han Solo, X-Wing Fighter, Rebel Pilot, lightsaber and Mickey Mouse in sentences that almost made sense. And have sexual undertones.

And it just completely proved that either she was absolutely destined to some day be a Boy Mom. And that that boy would likely turn into as much of a Star Wars nut as her little brother. And apparently her fiancée, who'd presumably be fathering the next generation of fanatics. Because she definitely didn't entirely believe that Jay was just putting up a front to like the movies as a way to bond with Ethan. At all.

"Your lightsaber has definitely been boxed," she allowed coyly, wagging the thing at him again. "But you're still likely in the running for Almost-Brother-in-Law of the Year."

"I suppose that's an OK consolation prize," he shrugged. "But if we're talking the Quasi-Sibling Awards category, I have some _stiff_ competition," he grinned at her, but she just shook her head, "coming in from someone who's taking him to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter."

Erin allowed a thin smile for his effort. "I'm pretty sure Star Wars wins out over Harry Potter," she said, finally snapping open the magnetic lid on the box to see what was actually inside. Hopefully not a lightsaber – or condoms for Jay's.

Star Wars winning out over Harry Potter actually made her a little sad, though. But she planned on reminding Eth they were there was for Harry Potter – not Jurassic Park, not Star Wars. Even though those were nice bonuses for her geeky little brother.

But they'd picked – she'd picked for him - Harry Potter because of his mom. Because it was something Camille had shared with Justin while he was growing up. Because it was something Camille had tried to share with her too as a point for them to bond on – to find some sort of connection and to have something to talk about and something special to do together at each book and movie release date. A late night out without Justin and without Hank. Just them. And she'd started trying to share that with Ethan. She'd started reading the books to him and sharing the magic. He was just too little and too brain damaged to remember. But Erin was doing her best to pass that one to him anyway. Because it was something that Camille would've wanted. Because it was something Ethan needed now. With his mom gone and with his brother gone and with all his uncertainty for the future and his family. He needed a way to feel connected and bonded with all for them – from the past and going into their future.

But maybe she might not have to remind him of any of that. It wasn't like he was unexcited about Harry Potter. She just had seen how he lit up about Jurassic Park that day. And she knew how he'd light up about Star Wars Galatic Nights when they told him that he was going to get that interactive experience while in Orlando too. And she wasn't sure he'd quite light up in quite the same way for Harry Potter.

It'd been a bit of a battle with him reading the books. He was trying – because he so wanted this trip and he so liked being able to pull the sleepover card when he finished one. To have a confirmed night away from Dad – with a dinner of his choice (which was nearly always chicken strips and potato wedges with some of the homemade sauces and dips they'd learned how to make for him that he could have – including ketchup) and a movie night with them in front of Jay's flatscreen that was so much bigger and crisper and more sophisticated than anything that Hank would ever invest in for a "stupid box" in his home.

But the reading – independently, without her help or his dad's help (though she thought he likely was getting some help from Hank and from his EA during independent reading time at school) – was hard for him and it could be frustrating. The books were just so different from the kinds of things he read with Hank or what they made him read at school. The developing plot was complex. He had to concentrate it and follow it carefully to understand what was going on and to pick up on all the little intricacies. Some of the British slanted words and dialogue confused him. But Eth did better than he thought. They talked about the books as he worked through them. And she asked questions of him to make sure he was actually reading – and understanding. He did. Some things he missed or struggled with but he was pushing through. Just like he did most things.

Because that was Ethan. For all his struggles, he was one stubborn little boy. He'd be a stubborn man. But it'd ultimately be what would let him preserver through life. It was how he needed to be. Besides, slow and steady supposedly won the race. SO he'd get there eventually. Though, she doubted he'd be done the books by June. Still, she'd hold him to his promise he was going to finish them since he got this trip. She'd be a hard-ass about it. Because that was their deal. Voights were good to their debts. They paid things back. Eventually.

She might have to get him onto Game of Thrones a few years down the road and introduce him to the Lannisters. She imagined he could find something relatable in Tyrion or Jon Snow too.

Though, she'd picked the Harry Potter books mostly because of the number of them and because of his mother – she'd also thought that he might be able to relate to Harry. He hadn't really. And she supposed as she worked through the books with him, even though they were both boys who lives, she could see why Eth might not see himself in Harry. It'd actually ultimately been Newt Scamander he'd seemed to have become enamored with when they took him to see Fantastic Beasts in the theater.

He'd fallen in love with that story, and with Newt, and with all the beasts. He'd started showing a lot more interest in working through the Harry Potter books to try to glean all the backstory there. So, they'd gotten slightly off track with the Harry Potter books when he'd gotten the hardcover screenplay of Fantastic Beasts at Christmas. They'd gone and read that together instead and it was the fastest Erin had witnessed Ethan ever go through a book. So hopefully their day in the Wizarding World might be just as magical for him as his Galactic Night at Disney.

"I think Jurassic Park likely puts us in even running," Jay assured. "And it's not really a competition."

His hands were still moving. But he was going slow. That was Jay, though. He was a flirt but he was usually a little slow in the initiation. He'd give her look. He'd make slight moves like this. She could usually tell when he was interested and what he was going for. But there was always this mild hesitation and this quiet look that had this request for permission behind it. Which, in a lot of ways she kind of appreciated. But it was definitely a different approach than her. When she wanted to initiate – she initiated. And they moved from ready, to set, to go pretty damn quick. Jay always took his time shuffling into the starting chute before he really made his move. If he even did. Sometimes he didn't. But that was Jay too.

And, honestly, even though what he was doing felt good and it definitely had her thinking about the options and feasibility of making it do more than just feel kind of nice, she got the sense that he was more interested in just spending some quiet time with her that afternoon. That he was being realistic about the precariousness of their momentary privacy and wasn't trying to reach any sort of goal. He was likely as acutely aware as her that Ethan had been sleeping for a while and their window of privacy was limited at that point.

Even if Jay had been there when Eth had fully passed out, the suite didn't exactly scream privacy for anything much more than the calf and foot rub she was getting. So she'd just do her best to enjoy what she was getting. It still felt kind of nice after being on her feet for about six hours that morning – in heat and lines.

"I know," she allowed, staring at what was actually inside the box. "Why'd you get these?" she asked of the bracelets – each one decorated with a different Star Wars character. Jay was being a real softie with Ethan that day. Spoiling him. He better not give her any flak when she did a bit of spoiling of her baby brother later in the week – and not on the first fucking day.

"Those are the tickets," Jay said flatly.

Her eyes shot to him and then back to the alleged tickets. "These are the tickets?"

They were a hell of a lot more sophisticated than the little flimsy pieces of cardboard they'd been given at Universal and told not to lose or get them wet – hence, handed lanyards to have them hanging around their necks all week like they were at some sort of business convention.

Jay gave a little nod, his hands ran down to grip at her one foot, starting a massage on it. Both the movement and the heat of his hands felt nice. Because her feet were both tired and freezing.

She gave him a thin smile – at the massage and the apparent tickets. "He's going to lose his mind when he sees these," she allowed.

But the comment made Jay frown. "You sure you're OK with this?" he asked and she just shrugged, as she reached to slide out the little information packet and guidebook map for Hollywood Studios and the Galactic Night event out of the sleeve on the box's top flap. "I'm serious," he pressed. "It's not supposed to be a competition."

Erin nodded, though. "Yea," she allowed. "He'd be disappointed if we didn't get over to the Star Wars stuff."

And that was the truth. Ethan had been talking about getting his day at the Star Wars park just as much as he had anything else on the trip. It was near the top of his never-ending list of must-dos. They couldn't really not go. When she'd actually floated that she wasn't sure they'd have time to get to Disney – at all, because she really didn't want to deal with that insanity of Theme Park World – Eth had offered to pay for the day himself. And they might've lead him to believe that he actually would be paying for it himself if it was such a priority when they were working on such little time. But that had been before Jay had spotted this Galactic Night event and got more little boy enthusiasm in his examination of the activities and offerings than Ethan had talking about the opportunity to go to the Star Wars park. So it'd pretty much been a given at that point that they'd be going – and it'd be her and Jay paying for it. Though, it seemed like Jay had taken the hit of the cost.

Not that it really mattered. Even though they hadn't exactly merged their bank accounts and debts yet, they were pretty aware of what their household budget was and what they'd bought into in terms of debts and spending habits with their relationship. Basically – Jay had very little in terms of assets, at least ones he hadn't inherited jointly with his brother. But he was a hell of a lot better at saving and being a fucking tight-ass about the way he spent his money than Erin. She had the condo – and technically some inheritance from Camille that Hank still kept trying to ask if she was ready to take, and the answer was, now, no, she wasn't and she wasn't sure if and when she ever would be. Though, she also knew that wasn't an answer that Hank would ever fully accept. She knew that he'd make sure she got that money somehow – whether she wanted it or not. So, it'd likely be better and easier for all of them if she worked out in her mind when and how and why that might be.

Yet even though Jay had backwardly presented the argument that if she was going to take it – she might as well take it now so they could put it toward the townhouse, especially since she was holding onto the condo and her mortgage there for the moment. And that was kind of a fucking extra expense when they were already stretching themselves with the townhouse mortgage and the cost of utilities and living that was coming up there. Just even getting settled in. All that furniture that seemed to fill both of their apartments really hadn't put too much of a dent into a house. Though, Olive was starting to give her monthly rent now. It wasn't exactly close to what the condo was actually worth but it was what she could afford for the moment. And Erin was letting that slide for a few more months, even though it likely would've been smart to have it go on the market in the spring. But Olive looked like she was comfortable there. She didn't want to rock the boat when they all seemed to be kind of settling.

Jay wasn't super thrilled about that, given all stretched they felt. They had pretty much kind of settled into living month-to-month. And she knew he understood the situation, even if he didn't love it. They'd both love the other option less, though. If she started putting the bolts to Olive too much about it, it'd likely be Hank who would be doing the top-up in the interim. And they'd be right back to taking money handed to them from Hank, which wasn't what they wanted. Erin was just going to hope that when Olive's course ended for the term, she'd be able to pick up enough shifted over the summer that she'd be able to stock up and contribute more. Or that all the paperwork and bureaucracy related to Justin's death and insurance benefits entitled to Olive and Henry would start coming in. Though, Hank had already admitted that had taken a while with Camille. It'd likely be even slower with Justin.

And the new reality was, Jay could only complain so much about how their money got spent and how they dealt with savings and bills and spending priorities – when he'd just gone and dropped hundreds of dollars on Star Wars night. Though, he didn't do much for himself in terms of spending. He talked about things he wanted. A lot. Cars and motorcycles and SUVs and sound systems and travel destinations (of which Orlando definitely hadn't been on the list) and sports match ups he'd like to see and once-in-a-lifetime concerts and events he'd like to go to and adrenaline activities and electronics. But he rarely went and bought it. Any of it.

Actually, beyond the TV and a new pair of runners. She wasn't sure he actually needed but he seemed to have different types of sneakers designated for different things. Running shoes and gym shoes and sneaker that he put on if they were going out and he wasn't wearing his boots (which she was pretty sure had only happened about twice in the time she'd known him). Still, it wasn't exactly like he spent money frivolously. Or he ever would after his experience with his dad and brother. Jay's definition of frivolous was buying more than three drinks in a night or eating out more than once a week when there were groceries in the fridge. Even picking up a coffee on the way into work was something he seemed to feel was unnecessary when they had a coffeemaker at home and a coffeemaker in the break room.

So – even though he was masking this Star Wars thing as for Ethan, she knew it was for him too. And, she hadn't commented on the cost of it. She just put it into the fucking trip budget spreadsheet Jay had created and knew that … eventually they'd pay it off. Likely by the time they'd intended to go.

They were making headway with their squirreling of money away for it. They'd just gone sooner than they'd been planning so they'd have to do a bit of catch-up with dealing with it when they got home. But it wouldn't be the first or last time either of them lived in debt. Though, she got the sense that Jay wouldn't be big on letting that go on for long. If they didn't pay their credit cards down in a couple months, she was pretty sure he'd be looking at diverting other spending or savings to get it cleared up. But that was Jay. And she was learning to live with it.

It was probably a good thing that one of them was good with money. Not that she was awful. Living with Bunny had definitely taught her how to handle and manage money quickly. And living with the Voights had taught her more about the value of money and savings and budgeting – and managing that while trying to live on a cop's salary while raising a family and leading a middle-class life in Chicago. Though, Chicago was a lot more expensive than the '90s to be living a middle-class life and raising a family. So she was definitely aware of that too. She was adjusting her habits. It was just … she had her moments. Banana peels. But hopefully those were in the past. She couldn't really have as many slips anymore. Not with two mortgages and being accountable to someone else and helping with Ethan and talking about the if and when and logistics of starting a family of their own.

But apparently they could afford to have a Galactic Night. And she supposed if they could afford a day in the Wizading World of Harry Potter and a day at Jurassic Park. And that trip as a whole – they could manage to afford this. Now. Because who knows if and when they would ever be able to afford it or do it ever again.

Jay's thumb worked at pressing into her foot. "I just don't want it to take away from Harry Potter," he said with that quiet sincerity of his.

But she just shrugged again. "It won't," she tried to assure him as much as herself. "Maybe we'll get to Harry Potter tomorrow anyway."

"You thinking he's going to be up for that?" he asked with the faintest touch of surprise. As surprised as Jay let himself sound about much of anything.

She let out a little sigh and shook her head. She really didn't know. They'd kind of have to see how the rest of that day went. And he clearly knew that too.

"You think he's going to be up to heading back over to the park tonight?" he asked instead.

She let out another sigh and shrugged, but reached for her phone to check the time.

It was nearly five. It'd been about 2:30 when they'd gotten back to their room. Their original plan for the day had been to leave the park around noon. It just hadn't worked out that way. And she suspected that a lot of days at the parks weren't going to work out that way. Though, she also knew as the trip wore on Eth was going to get more and more tired. He wouldn't likely admit that. So they were going to have to keep being the adults and being the ones who were making the decisions on cutting things out of the day and the holiday as a whole. They already were and it was only the first day. And Eth just wouldn't be able to do it himself. He struggled with even simple decisions. This would be too much for him. There were just too many things he wanted to see and do. And even if they had two weeks – or even three – she wasn't sure they'd be able to tick off every item on his list. Not as they got to the places and saw just how much they had to offer. Not as they saw the lines and did the reality checks on just how much time things took to do. And, as it was, with their 10 days – two of which would be spent getting to and from airports and in the air – even scratching the surface of Ethan's list of hopeful, wide-eyed wants weren't going to happen.

And they were just going to have to be the ones who decided what would. Structure the schedule in a way that made sense within his limitations – and the limitations of reality – just like they had to do at home.

And, right now, one of the realities was they were getting close to Eth's time for some of his afternoon medications. So, even though Erin would kind of like to just let him sleep – and kind of like to see exactly what Jay might be getting at with his foot rub - if Ethan didn't wake on his own soon, they might have to disturb him themselves.

Getting off Eth's pill schedule was just asking for trouble. And it was already proving a little troublesome even with just the one-hour time difference. Beyond that, though, if they weren't going to be back into the park by about seven, she wasn't sure it was worth it. And she really didn't want to have him over there until ten or eleven at night with him begging to stay for the firework show.

She wasn't willing to throw off his sleep-rest schedule that much. It was going to be really thrown off on their Galactic Night as it was. They'd pretty much pre-determined for Eth that was going to be his late night on the trip. The other nights, they were going to aim to have him back to the hotel by about nine and hopefully to sleep by about ten. Which would mirror his sleep routine pretty closely – especially with the time difference. And it'd also give her and Jay some alone time and quiet time to rest and recuperate too. And maybe get to enjoy some of the vacation on their own terms.

It seemed like Eth's body was trying to tell him it wanted to keep to its schedule too anyways. Because it wasn't uncommon for Eth to need to go to the nurse's station at Iggy's in the afternoon for a rest. Or for when he got home from school to lay on the couch or up in his room for an hour before he was functional enough to consider putting homework or chores in front of him. So they were technically right in the period where he'd be resting anyway. Maybe they'd survive the week without sending his routines completely off schedule.

"We'll have to see how he's doing when he wakes up," she allowed. "When he wakes up."

Jay made a little sound and nodded, moving hi hand to her other foot. "You thinking we should let him sleep through?"

She shook her head. "We'll need to get his pills into him. Maybe give him an hour more."

Jay made a sound of acknowledgement. "I think we should try to go back. We don't get him on the Indominus ride, we'll end up spending another whole day over in that area."

Erin gave her head a little shake but shrugged, as she read through the guidebook for Star Wars and started to try to wrap her head around what that day of their trip might look like. Busy too. Long likely. And a late one. But at least it looked like a lot of that park was shows – and sitting. Ethan was likely going to need a day like that.

"I know," she allowed.

"You been watching the standby line times?" Jay asked.

She cast him a little look. A serious one. "Still 120 minutes the last time I checked."

He made a noise and adjusted himself on the couch to lull his head against the back of it a bit, pulling her feet more into his lap. "Hopefully the place will clear out a bit after six."

She made a sound of acknowledgement. But she wasn't so sure about these crowd projection things that Jay had invested so much time into researching in his planning. His own little theme park surveillance assignment.

His head rotated to gaze at her – but she was still reading the Star Wars guide. "OK," he allowed, clearly reading into her lack of trust into his Googling. "Then, the River Adventure, its standby line was 40 minutes? And the express line, we were waiting, what? Like five, ten?"

"About," Erin acknowledged again.

"So if it's still at one-twenty tonight, we might be looking at like … half-hour wait? That's not too bad," he said.

She raised her eyebrow at him. "What happened to no ride being worth spending more than fifteen minutes in line for?"

He made a noise and cocked his head. "I think we're all having to adjust our expectations a bit, aren't we?"

She managed a little smile at that, but then sighed. "Maybe he'll agree to use the disability pass again. Go do something else and go back at our window."

"But if we aren't over there until like seven, our window might be nine or later. I don't think we should push too far passed nine tonight," Jay said. "He seems pretty beat."

"Yea," Erin acknowledged. "He is."

His hand traced up to her knee. And he did that little swipe and tickle thing behind it. She raised her eyebrow at him. "Still trying to get to show off your lightsaber?"

He gave her an amused look. "Maybe if you show off what you've got hidden under this blanket," he put to her.

She made her own little noise, as he gave the throw a small tug – but she held it in glance. The A/C in the room was ridiculous. She didn't need to go showing off her bikini bottoms. "You've seen me in this – and less – before," she said.

"I'm not very good at using my imagination," Jay said. "Need visuals."

"Maybe you'll get visuals if you can figure out how to get the room to warm up," she said and nodded over at the thermostat by the door.

He made an amused noise but moved her legs from his lap and got up, going over and looking at the little box. He pressed at the button a few times – but she'd already done that multiple times and it hadn't worked for her. The cold air still kept blasting out. They might have to call the front desk and complain. Have someone come up to check it out. They might be from the Windy City – but their fucking hotel room didn't need to feel like they were still spending their Easter there. Not in shorts, tshirts and bathing suits.

"Take it you guys didn't make it down to the pool?" Jay put to her, as he wandered back to the couch and again arranged himself there, returning her legs to his.

"Nope."

"Guess that means he didn't notice I was gone," he nodded.

"Nope," she agreed again. "It took you a long time?"

He made a sound and adjusted a little again, lounging more against the back of the small couch. His arm going across the back of it and his back leaning into the corner, as he pulled one leg under him and plopped the other leg on the stacking tables in front of them. She adjusted herself too, lounging against the arm on her side so she could look at him and fully settled her calves and feet into his open lap, adjusting the blanket around them both slightly.

"It was a pain in the ass," he allowed. She raised an eyebrow. "OK. So first I go to Shades of Green to get the vouchers."

"How far did it end up being?" she asked. Because she already knew that part of the plan. As far as she knew that was the extent of the plan – which was why she was wondering how he'd managed to be gone for hours. She was starting to think that he'd decided a vacation with Ethan wasn't much of a vacation and had bailed out. Or she would've thought that if she hadn't been getting Jay's belligerent texts that didn't make much sense but he was clearly annoyed and pissed. About what she wasn't exactly clear. And all she'd gotten when she asked was that he'd be back soon and tell her then.

"It clocked at about sixteen miles but it seriously took me almost 30 minutes to get there."

She made a sound at that. Orlando and driving among tourists was proving a little difficult to road warrior in. It seemed like no one knew where they were going – even though she suspected everyone was going to the same two places – and/or no one knew how to drive. There'd been cursing on the way to the resort from the airport the day before.

"How'd that resort seem?" she asked. Because they'd had the option of staying there with Jay's military background. The rates were amazing. But with Ethan's needs and situation, it just hadn't been the best option.

Jay shrugged. "Wouldn't have been this kind of experience," was all he said.

Erin wasn't entirely sure what that meant. But she just eyed him. She wasn't sure he wanted them staying there – among military families and veterans and people still in the service either between tours or on some R&R or leave. It might not have been comfortable for him. He might've had to make chit-chat or niceties that he didn't want to make. On topics he didn't want to talk about. And it might've triggered feelings in him that would've made the trip more difficult than it already was.

"Anyway. I can only get the vouchers there. Not the actual tickets," he said and gestured at the box. "So they give me the list of where to pick up the tickets and say the Ticket Center is the closest. Fine. But turns out that basically all roads lead to this place and it's like the transportation hub to Mickey's Kingdom. So it's a fucking gong show to even get there and then they want to charge me twenty bucks to park."

"To pick up the tickets?" Erin gaped at him with disgust equal to that in his voice.

"Yea, exactly," he agreed. "So fuck that. Decide to go direct to Hollywood Studios. Figure that will be easiest and they must expect people to be showing up at the Will-Call to pick up tickets for this thing, right? Wrong. And wrong after driving another fucking seven miles to get to that fucking park"

"Really?" she raised her eyebrow. "It's that big?"

"The place is massive. Glad we decided to stay over here," he muttered with a headshake.

Because they had briefly debated about staying at Disney. They'd been offered up a forty percent hotel discount if they stayed at their resort properties through Jay's available discounts. But they'd ultimately decided that again. Some of the resorts looked nice enough. But some of them just looked too nice or too little kiddie for what they needed and wanted with Ethan – and for their own sanity. And ultimately, it'd just made more sense to stay over at Universal since they thought when it came to park-time that would be where they'd be spending most of it. And she didn't really want to be spending thirty-minutes each park-day going back and forth between Disney and Universal – especially if they were taking breaks in the afternoon and going back in the evening.

"And when I get to their park gates, it's the same fucking thing. Want to charge me to get into the lot. So, I express my distaste about that."

"Oh, sounds like some parking attendant got lucky" she said with a thin smile.

Because she knew how Jay was. Don't piss him off and don't annoy him. He wasn't the most tolerant or patient person in the world. But neither was she. Only with certain people and it in certain situations. And both lists were pretty short. She'd already seen him give some tone and attitude to park attendants that day. Not exactly outright rude but Jay. Cop-like. Though, she was sure some people they encountered during the day thought he was being a bit of an asshole. But that was pretty much par for daily life too.

He just made a sound at her sarcasm. "Guy tells me that I can either pick up the tickets the day of this thing – but there will be lines and we can't do … booking the rides—"

"Booking the rides?" she squinted at him and glanced back at the guidebook and map – because suddenly this was starting to sound more complicated.

"I'll get to it in a sec …," he muttered. "So basically he's recommending that I pay the twenty, get into the lot and collect the fucking things ahead of time. So I again tell this jagoff that I'd be happy to pick up the fucking things if they'd let me run in and out without charging me twenty-bucks for the privilege of handing them fucking bags of money as it is."

She shook her head. "That's ridiculous that they charge you to go to the will-call," she muttered. And if they were going to charge that for a quick in-and-out, she didn't want to speculate what they were going to have to pay to park at the place on Sunday when they were actually going to spend the evening there.

"Right. So then – and only then - he decides to tell me that I can park for free and pick up the tickets at 'Disney Springs.'"

"Mmm …," Erin acknowledged.

Because she had heard about this Disney Springs place from Ethan. A lot. Shopping and dining Mecca full of kitsch that her brother was just itching to check out. He'd already tried to convince them that they should spend time there by toting that "it's free". Nothing was "free" – especially in the theme park capital of the world.

"Another fucking seven miles to that place," Jay nodded at her seriously. "Massive parking garage and then walk a mile to get to the entrance – and it's a fucking maze."

"Of course," she allowed. It was the way they'd try to lure you into the stores and restaurants – to spend more money. Make you spend as much time there as possible.

"Finally get to the place to get the tickets. Wait in a giant line."

"What's a theme park without a line?" she teased.

"It's a fucking glorified strip mall," he argued. He was clearly getting a little worked up about this experience. She was going to have to work at spooling him down. "And then it's a whole process to get the fucking things issued."

She gazed at him. "Why?"

He gestured dismissively. "First, needed to pick out which characters on the things. I didn't fucking know."

She allowed a small amused sound at that and looked at them again. "I'm sure he'll lay claim to them all."

"Yea …," Jay rolled his eyes. "Technically BB-8 is his."

Erin shrugged. "I really don't care which one I get," she said, giving him a glance. Because she supposed it was entirely possible that Jay had an extreme attachment to Boba Fett (because she was actually pretty sure he did) or Kylo Ren (and why the fuck did she know these characters by name?).

"No," Jay said. "He can have them all. After. But he's actually got to wear BB-8 on Sunday."

She raised her eyebrow. "Why?" she pressed – because that might cause a fight she didn't want to fight.

"Because they creepily attach all our information to these things. All his emergency information – already on there. His disability pass. Even his dietary restrictions. They're going to know it all when we scan into the park. And then we have to scan them again at every ride and restaurant. The line-attendants – it's all going ot pop right up on their terminals. Our names, our ages, fingerprint us when we go in. Everything."

"That's terrifying," she agreed, staring at the now not-so-innocent looking Star Wars souvenirs.

"What's terrifying is that Disney potentially collects better intelligence than the CPD. And who knows what other government organizations," Jay grumbled.

She rubbed at her eyebrow as she tried to process that and tried to process how she felt about that. If it made their lives a bit easier in the park or if it was a complete fucking invasion of their privacy. Because she didn't doubt these things were likely tracking their movements through the park too and probably how they spent their money. She wouldn't be surprised if they were affecting how wait times got posted or what kind of events or services were happening in the area and how they moved and managed staff. Not to mention, she wouldn't be surprised if it resulted in some sort of targeted marketing, that Disney was likely going to label as an interactive or immersive experience.

She sighed, though, and shook her head. It was one day. Hopefully it wouldn't mean that Disney would own their souls forever. Though, there'd likely be some file filed away about them on some computer for all eternity now.

"OK … so how does this all work?" she asked, tossing the park and event booklet into Jay's lap.

He picked it up and flipped through it a bit himself. She suspected that the person at the ticket counter had already gone through a bunch of it with him.

"So we can go in at four," he provided.

"So four until midnight?" she clarified.

He grunted. "But I guess … like pre-show happens at 3:30. So if you're there for that it wraps up in about fifteen minutes and you can get in a bit early."

She made a noise. "I don't know. Four to midnight. That's already eight hours," she stressed. "Six today and …" she shrugged at him. Six might've been more than enough – and that was day one. Star Wars wasn't going to be until day three. And even if Ethan was feeling super excited and energetic that day – midnight was way passed his bedtime. Eth might struggle to even stay up that late no matter what was going on around him. He usually did at sleepovers. He was that did who fell asleep first.

Jay nodded mild acknowledgement but paged through the booklet himself. "All the shows have their last showing at six, though," he said. "So if we want to catch the March of the First Order—"

"Do we?" she asked, raising her eyebrow. He just cast her a look. Actually it was bordering on an astonished glare that she'd even suggest missing it. "OK …," she acknowledged. "We apparently need to see the 'March of the First Order'. What is the March of the First Order?"

"Captain Plasma," he stressed at her. "Like fifty Stormtroppers."

"Oh …," she nodded, giving him a clear look. One that clearly expressed, he was losing it. Or at least sounding a whole lot like Ethan had all day with his dinosaurs.

"It's from Force Awakens," Jay said with mildly defensively. "He'll like it. There's some big stage show at the end of it."

"Mmm …," Erin allowed and shifted to lean against him and look into the guide he was staring at intently and flipping through now too.

"He might want to see the Indy show and the car stunt show too," he said.

"You want," she put flatly. He cast her a look. But they knew that was true – and it was allowed. He should get to see and do some of the things he wanted to see and do on the trip too. Even if he sounded slightly like a crazy person when he talked about them. But Jay's crazy person talk was slightly endearing – because he didn't do much about it. When he got animated about something, it was kind of cute. She could see the little boy. And he wasn't quite as damaged as Jay might've thought.

He just shrugged. "There weren't that many dinner reservation options left. At the Rebel Hanger experience thing."

"Hmm …," she allowed. Because that had been what Jay had gotten most hyped up about when he realized this event was happening down there. Apparently whatever it was was very exciting. To her it pretty much sounded like themed food while sitting amongst some props and being forced to watch Star Wars clips on repeat. Though, Jay had repeatedly stressed to her that it was going to look like the Cantina. Apparently that was also very exciting. For him. Hopefully for Ethan. For her? Likely not so much. But she'd find ways to make them both be held accountable for that in Harry Potter land. And probably by finding a steam-pot restaurant or steakhouse before the end of the trip too. "So when do we eat?" was all she asked.

"We don't get to go into the building until 8:30," Jay said flatly.

Erin made a small noise at that. It didn't work great with Eth's medication and injection time. But, they'd just have to find a bathroom and give him something small to hold his stomach and nausea over until then.

"Apparently if we go through the whole experience, and not just right to the food—"

"He's going to want to do the whole thing," Erin provided. Which they both knew was true. Jurassic Park had proven that. With Star Wars, it wasn't just going to be true of Ethan, though. They'd be going at Jay's pace. It'd be interesting to see who's pace was slower.

"Well, that guy said we should expect to be in there for about two and a half hours."

Erin made a sound of acknowledgement. With Ethan – she was going to guess that was probably going to be more like three or four. Which meant they'd pretty much be finishing dinner, going to the fireworks and heading back to the resort. A long, late night.

"We get to book three rides ahead of time," Jay said. "If there's time slots available we want. The guy set me up on the app," he said, moving under her a bit to pull his phone out of his pocket and gaze it, thumbing around. "But beyond the Star Wars ride, I don't know what Eth's going to want to do."

"Don't you want to do the Tower of Terror and Guardians of the Galaxy?" she asked, watching him manipulate the app. He was flipping through the different panels she could hardly see what he was doing, but she knew from previous conversations that Tower of Terror and Guardians of the Galaxy were on his list of must-do attractions. Or at least as close to anything Jay would ever label as must-do.

He glanced at her. "And you said you wanted to do the Aerosmith coaster."

She made a sound. "We aren't going to get Ethan on that."

But the reality was she was just kind of going along for the ride on Star Wars night. She didn't have her heart set on much of anything on at that park. Though, she thought she might get some decent nostalgia out of the Twilight Zone ride and the Indiana Jones attractions too. She'd grown up with them and grown up with them again through Justin and Ethan. But she also knew letting Ethan and Jay have their Star Wars moments would take priority. And she'd let it. Because hopefully, they'd paid her the same consideration on Harry Potter day.

Jay just made a sound. "Well, we either tell him about this ahead of time-"

She shook her head. "No. It's his Easter surprise."

Jay nodded and gazed at the app. "So then we just do a crap shoot and pick three rides that have time slots available. He doesn't need to know we pre-booked."

"They don't have an express pass?" she asked.

"This is how their express pass works," he put flatly and gazed at her with his clear displeasure about their system too after how the express pass at Universal had worked out for them so far. Not that they had a ton of reference beyond repeated ridings on River Adventure.

"What about the disability pass?" she asked.

He shook his head. "Different too. I didn't really get it. I think we're pretty much put in an air conditioned area with seats but still wait the same amount of time as the standby line."

She made a sound. "So … we get to go on three rides and that's it?"

"No, we get an assigned time-window for three. The rest we just go stand in line with everyone else. And, really, I don't know," he said, swiping his finger around, "not sure we're even going to be able to book any time windows that make sense for us. A lot of slots are booked up already. Dinner sitting smack in the middle of the night kind of fucks us over."

"Yea …," Erin allowed but shrugged. "But, Jay, if he likes the Star Wars ride, he's likely just going to want to keep going on it over and over. Same as today. And, same thing at dinner – if it's anything like the Discovery Center, we'll be there for hours. And he'll come away happy."

He made a small sound of acknowledgement but there was a touch of disappointment to it. She rubbed her hand across his chest a bit, trying to calm him, because she could tell he was still a little worked up but his experience picking up the tickets and now trying to get this experience to work out the way he might've hoped. He looked down at her hand and then found her eyes.

"Just book the Star Wars ride," she said. "And, then the other ones – pick ones you want to do so we make the time. We'll just tell him."

Jay made a sound and kept scrolling around on his phone. She suspected that Jay might have some difficulty picking just two. Partly because she knew there were more than two things he hoped to do. But also because he'd be trying to appease her and Ethan too. But it wasn't going to be a day where they were all going to have their way. She was looking at it as his day. Today was Ethan's. And Harry Potter would be hers. Jay could dictate how Star Wars was going to play. It was allowed. And Ethan would love it no matter what else they got on.

"There's more slots earlier in the day. But to get a full day ticket was going to be about seventy bucks more," he said and then caught her eyes, adding, "Each."

Erin shook her head. They'd already talked about that. They hadn't talked about the price. But they'd talked about whether doing a nighttime event was smart with Eth. They'd talked about if they just wanted to go over during the day during the week. And they'd settled on this event – because Jay seemed so psyched about it. Though, he'd get beyond embarrassed if she verbally expressed it that way. But, they were doing a Galactic Night. They weren't doing a whole day.

"They'd be too much," she reminded – and not the price, though she wasn't keen on that either.

Trying to do daytime and night time would be a disaster. They wouldn't get out of there when they said – that was already clear from today. They'd have to drive back to the resort. They'd likely end up hardly settling down into their room for a rest before they had to load back into the car and go back to Disney to be there in time for all the special evening activities, which they then likely wouldn't get back to their hotel room until one or two in the morning. And it would completely destroy Ethan for the rest of the trip. They might be testing those boundaries anyways. It was probably a good thing they'd be checking in for dinner at 8:30 and likely there for several hours – because that might be the saving grace in what made the evening survivable for Eth.

"Yea …," Jay acknowledged and shoved his phone back into his pocket. There was still some mild disappointment in his voice. But he clearly was going to reflect on how he wanted to approach the day more later.

She gave him a thin smile – a little frown. "You already doing the mental calculations?"

He made another noise and he shifted slightly, accepting some more of her weight, letting her lean against his chest and wrapping his arm around her. He was surprisingly warm. But she'd learned Jay made a decent heating pad. Sometimes he was too hot-blooded.

"Just …," he started and let out a slow breath, shaking his head. "We aren't going to get anywhere close to fitting in everything he wants to do."

She shrugged against his shoulder. "I know," she allowed. "We knew that before we got here."

He reached with his opposite hand and ran his hand through his short hair a couple times. "Right now, though – after this morning - I'm not even sure how we're going to see all he wants of Universal."

She shrugged again. "So we'll see what we can see," she said.

And if he started talking about wanting to spend another day over in Jurassic Park, they'd just have to give him a firm reality check about what that meant he wasn't going to get to see. And remind him that it wasn't just his vacation. It was all of theirs. And they were trying to give him the best time possible – while creating some memories of their own too. Make it special and memorable for everyone. As much as they could.

 **AUTHOR NOTE:**

 **OK. So it got long again. So there will be a Part 3 of Erin's POV. It's more dialogue. It's likely about 1/2 to 2/3rd written but still need to wrap it. You'll likely get it sometime between now and Monday night.**


	20. Caveats

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

Jay allowed a little nod. "What you thinking for tomorrow?" he asked and tossed the booklet back in her lap.

Erin took it and returned it to the sleeve of the box and leaned over slightly to set the package on the stacking tables. Though, one of them should really likely get up and go put it in one of their suitcases. So it was out of Eth's sight and the surprise wasn't ruined, if he came barging in. But apparently they weren't in too big of hurry to do that.

"He's likely going to want to go back over to the parks," she allowed, as she settled against Jay again.

"Likely not a great idea," Jay conceded. "When we're going to have him out all Sunday night."

"Yea, exactly," she allowed. "So be prepared for battle."

Battles with Ethan were minor. More an annoyance than a battle. But like any kid his age, he usually managed to put on a bit of a pout when things didn't go the way he wanted them to go. But unlike most kids his age – he had Hank as a dad, who even though he had a bit of a soft touch with Ethan, he didn't tolerate too much bullshit. So Eth usually just put on enough of a show to let you know he wasn't thrilled with the situation. But he always seemed to reel it in when he started to feel the hammer coming down. Still, he might test that to a point with her and Jay and while they were on vacation. See what boundaries he could push. But he knew she could be "mean" too. And so could Jay. And beyond that there was homework in the suite and Dad a FaceTime call away. So he'd only test the waters of moodiness so much. They'd just have to ride it out.

Jay rubbed at the material of the tshirt she'd pulled over her bikini top. Even it wasn't keeping her flesh from goosing along her arms – and he must've felt it in the firm, rubs he was doing along the length of her arm, holding her a bit closer to him.

"We gonna do just a down-day? Hang out by the pool?" he proposed.

It sounded decent enough to her. The pool there looked nice. They had cabanas and loungers. There was a bar and café nearby. There was poolside service for drinks and food. She could easily spend an afternoon going between sunbathing and reading and cooling down in the water. That actually sounded a lot more like a vacation to her than powering through the theme parks.

But "That's likely what we'll end up doing on Sunday until we go over to Disney," she conceded, straining in her own mind how to get all the pieces to fit.

Jay made a small sound of acknowledgement. "Could take him over to Disney Springs," he suggested – without much enthusiasm. "Saw the dinosaur restaurant he's been going off about in the maze. And the Lego store. Makes Chicago's look like a Kwik-E-Mart."

"He keeps mentioning the Planet Hollywood too," she muttered. "I think it's over there too. I think."

"Yea," he allowed. "Lunch. Likely put in a couple hours. More if he wanted to walk around."

"He will," Erin mumbled. And that wasn't her idea of a vacation day – or a shopping destination. She knew it definitely wasn't Jay's either. Though, she knew he'd likely humor Eth in the Lego store. But Jay had already been preaching at her baby brother the stupidity of paying ridiculous theme park prices for things he could buy at home or online. So, she didn't imagine he'd be letting Eth walk out of that store with anything if they did go over there. And that was definitely a realm she'd relinquished to Jay. He could manage Ethan's Lego obsession all he wanted.

But he just shrugged. "Between that and maybe taking him over to do the mini-golf on City Walk. We'd put in a day."

Erin sighed and leaned her cheekbone against her hand while she thought about that. She just enjoyed his hands working on keeping her warm. He was good about that. For his rough exterior – Jay was a decent person to fill space with. A good person to just watch TV with or lean against while reading a book or fiddling on your phone. A cuddler without meaning to be. Just quiet, comforting support. Just there. She liked that about him. About their relationship. It was one of the easier parts of it. But the ease of that sort of made the harder and more complicated elements of it worth it.

"Might be kind of a waste of a day," she said.

He shrugged a little under her. "Our Universal tickets are technically four days. Could just take it easy during the day and go over for a few hours in the evening," he said.

"And that might a waste of a day on the tickets," she added and caught his eyes. But his clearly communicated that ball was now in her court to put forward a better proposal. "You think a beach day would be much of a down-day for him?" she asked.

Jay let out a breath and stared across the small room into the kitchen area for a long moment. "Not if we went over to the Space Coast," he said.

They'd talked about trying to do the Space Center and Cocoa Beach – or some beach over there and possibly some state reserve wildlife drive that you were supposed to be able to see gators and manatees on – in the same day. It definitely wasn't a down-day. It was likely an entirely unrealistic day even if they did attempt it.

"Are you going to be heartbroken if we don't get to the Space Center?" she asked.

He made another sound of consideration and gazed straight ahead again. "I'd survive."

She allowed a thin smile at that. He was such a … she didn't know … a husband, a dad … already. It very rarely was about him. Or what he wanted. And sometimes she felt – she wished – he'd press harder for the things he wanted. That he spoke up a bit more in the day-to-day and not just when he reached his frustration or annoyance point. Usually with her and their relationship and how he thought she interacted with it – or him – versus how he thought she should interact with it or him. Which she might've been willing to do if he'd expressed in the first place that was what his expectation was.

But Jay wasn't so great at talking about his feelings. Or his baggage. With her. Or with anyone. He was getting better. Slowly. With time. And likely with some of the therapy he was going to. To try to be a better man and husband – and to prepare himself to be a better father, he claimed. To learn how to be. So he wouldn't end up making mistakes his dad had made. Or that he saw his brother making in his relationships and life. Or even things he disagreed with in how Hank parented. But he still had a long way to go.

She supposed they both did. Neither of them were great experts on relationships – especially of the long-term variety. And neither of them were particularly good about talking about emotions or feelings. She thought she was a bit better at expressing her wants and needs in the relationship, though. Jay sometimes seemed to expect her to just read his mind. Or he'd wait until he spat them out at her like it should've been completely obvious to her and she was retarded for not knowing.

They were making progress, though. Slow and steady. Even though they both regularly got a little annoyed and pissed off with each other. But she supposed that's another part of where living in Hank and Camille's house as a teen had taught her what relationships really looked like. Hank and Camille were regularly annoyed and pissed off at each other too. They fought. They yelled. They disagreed. They took time outs. And then they worked it out. They stuck it out. And despite it all – the rough parts – they still loved each other. Hank still loved her even now. He'd actually consistently seemed like he was missing large pieces of him since she'd been gone. And sometimes Erin wondered how even now – after having Jay in her life for a few years – if she'd feel the same. Because sometimes she had trouble imagining anymore what her life would look like if she hadn't had his help and support and love and friendship over the past few years.

She reached to rub her thumb along his already-growing vacation beard that Charlie had taken such a liking to.

"Would you be more disappointed about missing the Space Center or missing some of the attractions you want to do in Universal?" she put to him gently.

Because Jay had a list. He hadn't labeled them as must-dos either. But he had expressed some actual interest – which with him was him just passingly noting certain rides and attractions even existed. And Harry Potter and Jurassic Park hadn't been on that list. But a whole host of other ones had. Back to the Future and Men in Black and Jaws and Terminator and ET and some sort of Mother Nature Disaster type ride. There'd been some expressed interest in some of the shows about horror make-up and special effects too. And the exhibit halls of props and memorabilia. Really, when you got down to it and added up everything that all of them wouldn't mind doing, they pretty much wanted to see nearly everything in the two parks to varying degrees. But they both knew they weren't going to get to everything – not even just at Universal.

His eyes briefly flickered with some consideration of that question but then he only shrugged at her. "Whatever you think Eth cares about more."

"It's not just Ethan's trip," she reminded him.

And she'd keep reminding him all week. And reminding him it wasn't just her trip either. He wasn't just there for the ride. He got to pick and choose things too. He got to have priorities. He just needed to express them. And it was OK if there was something he really wanted to do that her and Ethan maybe didn't. Because she knew he was tolerating a lot of things that the two of them wanted to do that weren't at the top of his list either.

"It's not a big deal," he finally said. "Sure we'll be back someday."

She gazed at him, raising her eyebrow at that. "We will be?"

He shrugged. "Maybe. Likely? In ten or fifteen years."

And she felt a smile tug softly at the corners of her mouth at that. At the quiet implication of it. That he'd likely been thinking the same as her that day with Ethan. And as they saw other families with their kids wandering the park. That even though this wasn't either of their definitions of a vacation, it was the kind of destination that threw family and kids in your face. And something about it too, made her think that even though she could think of lots of other places she'd want to go and things she wanted to do, she could still somehow see herself – see them – as the kind of parents who would scrimp and save so that eventually, when the time was right, they could take their family on this trip. So that they could have their own little person looking wide-eyed at the dinosaurs or the Star Wars characters or a Wizarding World. Or whatever it was that some person they'd created had become obsessed with. Or with whatever was trendy in popular culture ten or fifteen years down the road when they'd be officially middle aged and grossly out-of-touch and embarrassing parents rather than the "cool" older siblings who knew about all the trendy "retro" stuff from waaaaay back in the '80s and the '90s.

And there was something nice thinking about that. At looking around at the other families and feeling like maybe one day they'd have that. And hopefully their kid would be one of the ones like Ethan – the amazed and excited kid who was soaking it all up. Rather than one of the ones looking bored out of their skulls to be their and like they'd entirely been brought to some place of torture outside of their own free will.

She'd felt it, though. The momentary twinges of sadness intermixed with realization during the day. And the sort of pride in themselves too that they had a kid who was excited and mostly behaved. And that the moments that were challenging – so far they were handling it. That they could handle it. They would. Just like they always did. And that maybe they were getting to the point that they could … or should … start having more concrete discussions about all of that again. Ones that went beyond the round-about talk of their never being a "right time" to start a family – but that this might definitely not be the right time. But maybe it was. Or as right as it ever could be. Or at least a good time to start talking about it again. To try to figure out where they were at. Or where they might be nine-months or a year from now.

Because a lot could change in a year. They both knew that.

"Things won't look the same ten or fifteen years from now," she stated the obvious.

But Jay shrugged again. "I think the Space Coast will be a busy day," he provided, still not answering her question original question and not wading into the territory they'd skirted against.

Because it probably wasn't the time or place to talk about it. Now this week. And maybe not next when they got back. Not as they neared her birthday. Neared the death of Nadia. Neared the weekend where she would've – they would've – gotten themselves pregnant last year. But the look on his face said he'd seen her smile. That he'd been feeling it too. And he felt the itch to talk about it as well. To … get on with their lives. To keep making them the way they wanted them. To try to get them to look the way they wanted them to look. Or at least to try to live them on their own terms.

And maybe that answered both of her questions – responded to her thoughts – more than enough. For now.

"Really, the Space Center will probably take the whole day," Jay offered. "We'll likely need a second day if we want to do the beach or the reserve. And we aren't going to have time for two days over there."

She gave a little nod. Getting back on topic. Adjusting her mind to deal with the situation at hand. To make the memories they had in that moment. To spend the time together in a different way than they did in the day-to-day. And to see where that took them. It was draining. But she thought … maybe it was taking them in a direction they were meant to be going. Shifting gears.

And, at least he understood that some of the plans they discussed for what he hoped to do over on the Space Coast weren't realistic – not as a day trip and not in a schedule that didn't really allow two days there. But it still didn't provide much clarity on where the visit was in terms of priority to Jay. Though, she got the sense that the Space Center clearly ranked higher than the beach on that coast or the wildlife drive – to him. She might feel differently on the Eth part. And Ethan might feel differently on the opportunity to see an alligator part. But it wasn't just their trip. Not just their vacation. It wasn't only their hopes and wants and needs that mattered in any of this. And it wasn't them who should only be catered to.

"What about Daytona?" Erin suggested.

Jay just made a noise. That likely confirmed that it really wasn't up the list. And Ethan hadn't repeatedly emphasized it. So they'd just sort of leave that one in the background.

"OK. What about going over to the Gulf Coast?" she suggested instead. "That area with the beaches that are supposed to have shark teeth fossils?"

"It'd be about two-ish hours each way," Jay provided flatly.

Erin let out her own breath as she reassessed that again. That might be a long day for Ethan if he was having to spend that much time in the car.

And maybe that's where Jay's plan of just doing something around the city made sense. That maybe it made sense to use one of the days on their Universal tickets to just go in for the evening. Because they'd really only been planning to spend two or three days at Universal anyway. Even though now it was pretty clear that they'd have to spend three if they wanted to see anything beyond Jurassic Park and Harry Potter. And even with that third day, all the other attractions that weren't dinosaurs or wizards – they were likely just going to scratch the surface. Using the fourth ticket day – even if it was just an evening – might let them see some of the things they might otherwise not get to.

And, if she was being honest with herself and about everyone's limitations, she didn't think she'd want to spend more than the about the six hours they were in the park that morning in the parks at a time anyway.

Maybe going an evening when it was a bit cooler and the crowds would supposedly be lighter would be a reasonable use of that extra day they had on the tickets. See what they could do in three or four hours. Try to hit some of the things that might be lower priorities. Maybe consider staying for the fireworks, depending on how Ethan was doing. That might be realistic if they were going to just be sleeping in and having a pool day on Sunday until they went over to Disney anyway. And it was only about a 15-minute walk from the exit of the parks to their hotel room anyway. It wouldn't be that late of night if they stayed for the Universal's closing fireworks. It might be the best course of action. The smartest.

But she still muttered, "He keeps talking about those fossils." She shifted her eyes back to Jay. "About finding one for Al."

"Yea …," Jay acknowledged sadly.

Somehow Eth had gotten in his head that his quasi-uncle-godfather needed a shark tooth fossil for one of the many leather bracelets he had on his wrist – most, if not all, which had been made by Lexi. He'd spouted off about shark teeth being symbols of protections and survival and healing and moving forward in life. And how it's important for healing and a good totem animal. That he thought Al – his godfather – needed that right now. And that Lexi would want that for him too. And that if Alvin wore it on one of her bracelets, maybe it'd help him remember that.

He was such a weird little guy. But so … sometimes Erin just didn't know where he came from or how he existed. What and who it was that had emerged out of that broken body that had been left on the ground after the collision. Or if maybe that was just the Ethan they'd always had and hadn't yet known. And their family's world had needed to be set aflame to get this little creature to rise out of the ashes and somehow … made all of them be better. Or at least want to try to be better. For themselves and for others. And for him.

What she did know, though, was that it might've been easier to shoot down the shark tooth day if Ethan hadn't attached Lexi to it and to Alvin and to all that hopeful contribution to try to help healing in that family when he knew – understood and still felt – how much that kind of loss did. When he was – they all were – still struggling to come out of the end of that tunnel on their own. And she didn't think it was exactly ever the kind of tunnel you emerged from. It wasn't one that had a light at the end of it. You just got better at seeing through the dark and using your other senses to slowly crawl your way through the mud and muck.

So Eth had made it a hell of a lot harder to cast aside shark teeth as a beach day to an "if we have time" item on their vacation list. The thing was, now they needed to find the time – make the time – for it. And it wasn't exactly like those beaches were right next door. It was across the state. Even if it was a narrow one and they were smack in the middle of it. Two hours – it was a long drive on limited time and with a kid who ran out of steam quickly and needed space to stretch and rest regularly.

Jay let out a little sound of his own, though, and lulled his head back, exposing his neck in an appealing way. He stared at the ceiling while Erin stared at his Adam's apple. She'd been thinking about leaning in to kiss it. Or suck it. To maybe stop talking about every day and minute and detail of this vacation – and enjoy it in the moment, on their own terms.

But then he righted himself, shaking his head.

"Let's just see how the rest of today plays out," he said. "See how he sleeps through the night. When he's even on the go in the morning."

"Yea …," Erin acknowledged with her own bit of weak disappointment.

"At least today's proven we're completely fucked with planning," Jay offered at her tone. "We'll just have to fake it until we make it."

"As usual," Erin muttered and slouched her shoulder against the couch.

Sometimes that seemed like a lot of their life and relationship was. But somehow it seemed to work for them. For the most part. And maybe she liked it. Things never worked out the way she planned them anyways. Just … going with it. Sometimes that just felt more comfortable. Figuring it out. At least she had someone to figure it out with now. At least things seemed to … make sense when it was Jay she was trying to figure things out with. Getting pieces to fit together the best they could with the pieces they had.

Jay reached and found her hand, gripping at it a bit. "Looks like you should've taken a nap while I was out too," he offered.

She gave him a thin smile. "I rested."

He eyed her. "Rested or screwed around on your phone?" he put to her. Because he always was giving her shit about her phone. Like she was on hers more than he was on his – when he had to Google everything and than some. She wondered what he did before Google and smartphones existed. If beyond playing his angry-loner videogames, if he'd had his nose stuck in the family encyclopedia sets. Though, he'd argued that was more Will, who'd always been a better student than him. But he'd had to be – because he wasn't much of an athlete. And Will had needed to excel at something to become his father's favorite son – if being the oldest wasn't enough.

Erin just ignored his little jab, though. She rested her head in the crook of his neck. "I looked up some things about the rides in the Harry Potter area," she admitted.

"And?" Jay asked, holding her a bit more firmly.

"The height restriction on the Dueling Dragons is the same as the one today. So those two rides are likely out," she muttered.

He grunted. "Maybe he'll have built up his confidence a bit between now and … Tuesday, Wednesday … whenever we do that."

"I hope so," she allowed. "Because the one ride. The one in Hogwarts, it's not a coaster, but the harness looks similar to the one on Flying Dinosaur. I'm afraid he'll freak out. Won't get on."

Jay made a small sound and gripped at her shoulder. "So, we don't mention that to him. We let him see for himself. Let him make the decision on if he wants to sit out. And we just don't pressure him or make a big deal of it if he does."

She let out a quiet sigh at that and his hand gripped her a bit tighter. "Erin, he can handle standing alone for five minutes," he told her firmly. "We'll go on it and then meet up with him after."

"I just … I'd really hoped to get to do the rides with him," she admitted. "I didn't think he'd be … so nervous about them. I should've."

The dark. The jarring movements. The weakness in his legs. His acute knowledged that he had brain damage and that he had lesions all over his brain and spine from the M.S. The scar issue pressing against his optical nerve and how he struggled in low light and how he didn't see things in his peripheral vision well. How he got headaches. And when he had hallucinations they were usually the dark, shadowy figures at night. Then just add in his dad's repeated mantra about rollercoasters and rides. Even if he'd had his friends telling him it'd be fine and even if they'd been egging him on a little – they should've done more to prepare him and to make sure he was ready for the rides. They should've known that no matter what anyone else said to him – ultimately with Ethan, his dad's words were gospel. And they should've done repeated checks to see where he was at. Or at least they shouldn't have picked a ride consistently ranked as one of the "best" and hence scariest rollercoasters in the United States at the moment as Ethan's first ever amusement park ride.

"They aren't that bad," Jay nodded against the crown of her head. "He's just not used to theme park rides. He'll be a pro by the end of the week."

"Or he'll have really decided he's not interested in rides by the end of the week," she muttered. And that might mean that in Harry Potter land they just ended up seeing the few shows, which she thought Eth might find a little tacky and juvenile (and she didn't doubt her and Jay would too). Though, hopefully the way the area of the parks looked – at least from the pictures – would make up for anything they did or didn't do. And the Butterbeer.

"He wants to go back to do the rest of the Jurassic Park rides tonight," Jay tried – like that might be where their chance at redemption and preparation lay. She just made a vague sound of acknowledgement. "What's the intensity of the rest of the rides at Harry Potter supposed to be like?" he asked.

Erin let out a slow breath. "Gringotts … the vault … it's supposed to be intense. But it's just lap bars like the river raft, so hopefully he'll try it."

Jay made a small sound of agreement.

"The Hippogriff, it's a coaster but just lap bars too. I think it'd be a lot like the amber mine coaster, if we go back tonight. Gringotts is probably a similar idea to Indominus."

Jay shrugged. "So, if he's doing OK, we go back. We let him go on those rides. Keep working on rebuilding his confidence. And he'll be fine."

She allowed another quiet noise. One that probably sounded too much like Hank's grunts. But she supposed in a lot of ways, that'd been how she'd been taught to communicate. Or not communicate. And she really didn't know what more to say about the situation anyway. It was on the fake it until they made it list. And they'd just have to see how it went.

"He's just not used to rides," Jay tried to assure. "We made a dumb choice for his first coaster. That's all."

"Yea …," she acknowledged. That was likely an understatement. And she was regretting that lack of foresight they'd had in the moment.

It was actually amazing they didn't have to deal with a bladder issue or bruising out of Eth after the Flying Dinosaur. They should've known better.

Hank was likely going to have more than a few things to say about that if Eth forgot about his filter and shared every detail of their day with his dad.

But at the same time, Erin was also tempted to go on that ride again. She'd actually be pretty interested in trying it at night if the line wasn't too long. It'd likely be a completely different experience in the low-lighting of the evening. And, they could just dump Ethan in one of the gift shops while they did it. So they didn't have to wait for him humming-and-hahing over how he was going to spend his allowance.

"Hank started replying to the texts," she allowed after just resting against Jay for a while. Maybe he was right. She should've shut her eyes for a bit. But she wasn't much of a napper and this felt nice – restful – now anyway. "Had a bit of a back-and-forth with him."

Jay nodded. "He like the pics?"

She made an amused sound. "Yea," she acknowledged. "I think so. He basically just said 'Camille'. But I guess that says it all. He's such a weird mix of both of them."

"Think that's kind of what happens," Jay said, his fingers tracing along each of hers.

"Yea …," Erin allowed. "It's just … the nature versus nurture we've talked about with kids and parents and genetics. I still … amazes me, I guess. He only had her in his life for so long. He remembers so little about her. But he has these little quirks that are so her. This obsessive, encyclopedic knowledge about … weird things."

"I'd rank it as weirder to be obsessive about fish than to be obsessive about dinosaurs," Jay teased.

Erin smiled up at him but her eyes flickered with a bit of sadness. "Camille would've loved to be here," she said. For Ethan and Jurassic Park - and for Harry Potter.

"Think she would've dragged Voight down here?" Jay asked.

Erin smiled a bit at that and shook her head. "Maybe," she conceded. "They liked their trips to Myrtle Beach. I could see her pushing for a trip here instead. But likely stay on the coast and just do a day at the theme parks."

"How long as Harry Potter been open?" Jay asked, giving her a glance. "She know about it?"

Erin made a quiet amused sound. "Yea," she acknowledged. "She knew about it. It was announced years before it opened. She talked about going. All of us. That it'd be a family vacation that I'd actually agree to go on with them."

Jay made an amused noise. "Because it wasn't in a tent?"

She smiled a bit. "Likely," she acknowledged. "But knowing Hank and Camille – they still would've found a way to make this vacation destination include camping. Or at least fishing."

"Lots of charters on the coast," Jay allowed.

She made a sound of acknowledgement. "The park had just opened when she died," she shrugged.

And it sort of made her sad. Or really made her sad. And it wasn't something she had really thought about or remembered until she started working on planning the trip for Ethan. And she realized that this might've been – it should've been – something that Camille had planned for him. And that'd been something that had been taken away from her – and from Ethan, and from all of them – too.

"It's actually pretty fucking impressive how Ethan retains information," Jay said quietly after they'd sat there in a solemn silence. One that Erin was glad didn't go on too long, because she didn't want the trip to be sad. Even though she did want Ethan to know how much his mom would've loved to have this moment. That she wished he could remember how silly and giddy Camille could be when the new books or movies came out and she got to share them with them. As it was, she didn't even get to see the last two movies – let alone share this experience with them. Though, Erin was sure she must've seen news coverage about the opening of the park. Just barely.

But her memories of Camille in that period were so much of a blur. She wasn't living at home by then. She was on patrol and she knew she was on night shift.

She knew Hank and Justin were fighting – but from fifteen onward all the two of them did was fight. But Justin had been calling her and complaining about what a hard-ass his dad was being. How he'd taken away the keys and wasn't letting him borrow the car or go out with friends when it was summer vacation. How he was on his ass about how he was spending his day and how he should be working a summer job and going to his little brother's Little League games and making so many of his privileges in the house contingent on those variables.

She knew she must've been to some of Eth's games and practices – going over before heading into shift and sitting in the bleachers with Camille to talk rather than watch six and seven year olds play something that hardly resembled baseball. She knew Hank had been working some case then that had him on a lot of overnight surveillance – sometimes for days at a time. And he wasn't always there. And it meant that Camille was the one stuck enforcing some of Hank's rules for Justin – which would only cause further tension between everyone. And would ultimately mean that Hank and Camille were likely having words when he was home too. Because she hated playing the bad cop on his behalf.

Erin knew she must've been over for dinner in June and July. She knew Hank likely grilled them something. And that she probably sat on the porch swing with Hank or Camille. That if it wasn't too late and it was a nice evening that Ethan likely would've been digging in his sandbox or soaking it down with a hose – creating landscapes for his dinosaurs and construction equipment.

She knew that if it was Hank sitting with her, she likely vented about work and some of the things she was seeing and dealing with on the job. Because summers in Chicago and the sort of things that popped when you were a beat cop were different than what you had to deal with during the rest of the year. She didn't know what she would've talked about with Camille. Probably any plans either of them had for that summer or whatever was going on with the fish in Lake Michigan that year. Or what either of them was reading or watching or what concerts or music festivals Erin was hoping she might have the time off work and the extra income to get to. And Camille likely prodded about if she was seeing anyone and who she was hanging out with in her free-time and if she was taking care of herself. And Erin would guess that the Wizarding World of Harry Potter had likely come up in some of that small talk but she didn't remember it.

The biggest thing she remembered from those weeks leading up to her death was Ethan's birthday party. She remembered how it was Ethan's first – and likely only – themed party. One that was purposely themed. She remembered going out with Camille to get some of the decorations and goodies for it. She remembered helping with the piñata. And she remembered teasing Hank so much while he made those plaster dinosaur bones to bury in the sandbox. And she remembered the day. The party. And just how happy and normal her family felt back then.

She thought she must've been over for Independence Day. But maybe not. Because she might've been scheduled or picked up a shift to get the extra pay. But she couldn't remember any of it. Maybe it was just … too much of their routine. The usual. The barbecue and strawberry shortcake and water balloons in the back alley with other families on the block and the trip down to the lakeshore to watch the fireworks. Maybe it all just blended in to every other year that nothing about it stood out for her to latch onto if she was there or not.

Just like she couldn't pinpoint how many times she'd been over in July or what exactly her and Camille had talked about during those visit. But she did know that on the last visit, she'd just dropped in and Hank wasn't there and Justin was in a snit and a stand-off with his mom and Ethan was being hyperactive. And Erin hadn't stayed long. And she hadn't given Camille a hug when she'd left. Camille was giving Justin a stare down at the time and hadn't moved to give her one either. Though she'd acknowledged she was leaving but it'd just been with a, "We'll see you on Sunday?" And Erin had said yes.

And she had. Or at least she saw what was left of her – in those very early hours of Sunday morning while she also watched Hank near crumple in shock and need to be dragged away by two firefighters and another cop as he tried to determine if the lump of flesh on the road that was Ethan was still a living, breathing human being.

"The stuff he was spouting off today…" Jay offered quietly again, pulling her away from the memories. Bringing her back to the current reality. Such as it was.

"I know …," Erin said, letting out a slow breath.

Ethan had moments of awkwardness and shyness that day. She could tell that he was trying to figure out how to interact with the park and with that many people around him. And how to navigate around them with his crutches. His own self-consciousness about his movements and his visible scars and injuries. And how to interact with the overly-friendly staff at the parks and in the lines. The "actors" at the various attractions.

But then after he started seeing the dinosaurs that filter of his dropped. The shyness and self-consciousness moved into the background and he'd gone off on his tangents. He'd had something to say about every dinosaur they saw. He had a commentary about every exhibit. He was constant with his little references to the movies. All these things he picked up on in the park that they'd missed. All these bits and pieces of information about what they were seeing. The scientific and biologically accuracy – or inaccuracy – of every attraction.

He'd just been mind-boggled. And loved it all with these big saucer eyes and motoring mouth. Even if some of it had been pure fantasy.

It'd been this complete over-stimulation for Ethan, which was likely part of why he'd crashed so hard – even though he didn't want to – when they'd removed him from the environment.

It was something else they'd talked about before, though. How Ethan's mind worked – and didn't work. The strangeness of brain injury – and the brain. How it stored information and memories. How the brain tried to process that – especially in the face of trauma. The illusions it created for you and the false memories. The ways it tried to protect you and the ways it failed you. Jay and her both had some sense of that in their own experiences. Their own baggage and PTSD and fractured childhoods. But with Ethan it was different.

It was frustrating and sad. That how he learned and retained information now could be so affected. That he struggled academically. That so much of his memory around the days and weeks and months and even years around the collision were frayed or non-existent.

That it meant that his little boy brain held very few in terms of real memories of his mother. The ones that existed weren't his own. Only very few were. The ones he had were stories told to him on repeat. Memories boxes and photos and videos shown to him. It was the creation of a woman that he'd never really gotten to know but got toted at him as his mother. Because Camille so very much was. Even now. Still. She always would be. And they tried so hard to make sure he knew that. So his brain still had this image of her and these memories of her – even though they weren't entirely there.

But even with all that missing – Camille, his mother just gone - somehow all his random little boy dinosaur information got retained. It'd survived. And somehow when he was handed new information in those areas he was able to absorb it and retain it in a way he couldn't other things. It was likely because a lot of it was some sort of pre-existing memory buried in there that they were just bringing out. That it all had to do with where and how his brain was damaged and where and how the brain stored different kinds of information versus different kinds of memory.

So Ethan got dinosaurs but he didn't get his mom. Even though his love for dinosaurs was so much a gift his mom had given him as a little boy. And the way he talked about them and spewed off the information – he sounded so much like Camille sometimes that it almost felt like she was in the room. Just replace the dinosaurs with fish, and it was her. All her. So much that it hurt some days.

"We get him to the shark beach, and he finds one of those fossils, he's going to think he's an actual paleontologist," Jay said quietly.

She smiled against his chest. "I know," she allowed.

And some how that made her feel really happy. She knew that it might be some other sort of fantasy land they were living in if they actually thought Eth was going to manage to find one of these supposedly easy to spot fossils. But, she knew he'd just … she didn't even know. But she knew it would be an experience that would be imprinted on him. That it was something that he'd carry with him for a long time. Maybe forever. And she wanted to be a part of that. She wanted to make it a reality for him.

"You think Hank will ever actually take him to the Badlands? A dig site?" Jay asked, gazing down at her.

She shrugged a little. "I think it's more likely than him having ever brought him here," she allowed.

"He should take him," Jay said flatly.

Erin made a small noise of agreement. "He'd likely like to. It's a time thing."

"He should make time," Jay put a little more forcibly.

Erin made another sound at that and looked up at him. "He's doing a lot better at making time anymore, Jay," she said.

And he was. There'd been periods in her teens and then after she was out of the house, that Hank wasn't around much. And it created arguments between him and Camille. Big ones. Job, city, civic responsibility, and family. How that list should go and how the lines blurred together in defining where one ended and the other began in terms of priorities and necessities and attention.

There'd definitely been a period where Hank had taken his eye off his family – his children – after Camille was gone. And it'd had repercussions for all of them. Hank knew that too. She knew he felt guilt about it. And failure. Even though he wasn't one to dwell too much on the past or discuss it. But they had. In therapy. They'd opened up the skeletons in the closet and they'd had some frank – though mediated – words with each other.

But even outside of that, Erin knew Hank had made strides toward being a family man again – toward putting more and more of his attention there and keeping his eyes on his son – since Ethan had come home and been diagnosed.

He wasn't doing tough love with Ethan. But he also was keeping him on a very short leash. Erin could see the nervousness in him. Especially now, having lost Justin. He'd lost so much. He wasn't going to lose anymore when there was always this frightening looming possibility that with Ethan's compromised immune system and fragile health and susceptibility to some pretty scary illnesses and infections. Sometimes it felt like there was a constant anvil hovering over their heads and they were just waiting for it to fall on top of them. And Erin had seen what had happened when Hank lost Justin. She wasn't sure he – or any of them – would survive another loss if it came to that.

She'd almost been surprised Hank had actually allowed her to take Ethan on this trip. Because he was so protective of his little boy. Because he did make the time and did give him the attention and the care. Because she saw how he reached out to give Ethan the physical attention and comfort in a very different way than he'd ever offered to her or Justin.

But Hank likely realized that all of them needed this time too. That it was another way of making time – and giving time. And that part of that was taking time for himself – and his sanity. And letting him divert his time and attention strictly to his job for a while – without Ethan there needing him each night and on weekends, or the school calling him during the day. And letting him have the extra time to keep working at establishing and developing his relationship with his grandson and with Olive.

There were lots of ways Hank needed the time and gave his time. And decisions he had to make about how to use his time. And she supposed she was understanding that when all that was taken into account it made it hard for him to find the time to take Ethan to Wyoming or Montana or South Dakota or wherever to look for dinosaur bones with Ethan. And she thought Jay understood it too. That he got it. That he knew eventually he'd have to make choices about his time and commitments and responsibilities too.

Still, she hoped Hank would find that time too. And she thought he'd likely like it. To have that moment with Ethan. And to watch the little boy who he'd built a sandbox with dinosaur bones to dig up now sit in an ultimate sandbox trying to discover the same thing. The fact that it would likely turn into the kind of fishing and camping trip that Hank favored as an actual vacation would only make it better for them.

"It's just …," Jay sighed and adjusted his chin to rest against her head again, stroking a little at her hair. "I know Eth thinks he wants to be in CPD, even as a civilian and Voight is encouraging all this robotics and programming stuff. And I get why he's doing that. I know Eth seems to have a bit of an aptitude with some of it. But then days like today …," Jay said and moved to find her eyes and she gazed into his – they were so urgent and honest "… just you saw how he lit up today?"

She smiled and nodded. "Yea," she agreed.

"And he just knows so much of this shit. And Ethan … I don't know … that kind of slow, repetitive work … obsessively detailed … I can see him doing it. And if it makes him light up like today? Then … I don't know … maybe that's what we should be pushing and encouraging. Not CPD or robotics or whatever."

Erin smiled gently at him and shrugged. "I know," she agreed. "Hank knows too."

It's why Hank argued with Iggy's to let Ethan stream into, to try, the Latin and the Earth Sciences. So he could learn history and language and geology and biology and start exploring that area more. Even if it might be hard for him at the start. Or maybe it would all the way through. Or maybe he'd change his mind after taking the introductory courses and they'd be going in next year and trying to reroute his path through his high school courses. But at least he'd have the opportunity to try.

And it was why they all drove back-and-forth to play Ethan's taxi to the Museum Club. That they took him each Wednesday. And if he wanted to go to a weekend or evening program that was being offered to the kids, they didn't put up a fight. It was why Hank had bought a family membership to all the fucking museums in the city – so they could go over there for just an hour and not feel guilty about it. So Ethan could look at the dinosaurs or the planets or the rocks or the fish. And so he could tell them about it all again. Or try to educate Henry on all the little details. It was why Hank watched nearly as many documentaries as Jay – on topics he might not be overly interested in. It was why he kept taking Ethan to Lake Geneva for fucking hikes in the woods and to sit in an ice shack while his son spouted off a fucking ecology lesson about the trees and plants and rocks and animals and fish in the region. A lesson that her and Jay had received up at the cabin too and that Ethan was itching to give them again that summer. It was why Hank had fucking outdoors man and National Geographic magazines coming in the mail and sitting in the letter rack next to the breakfast table, just waiting for his son to pull them out each morning while he picked at his eggs or soggy cereal and paged through the pages over and over again. It was the same reason why Hank had already ordered that season's brochures for the various state parks, reserves and camp grounds within a couple hours' driving distance of the city and was nitpicking ones to take a few weekend-getaways with his son, focusing on places with fishing and caves and rock formations that he thought would grab Ethan's attention and imagination. And it was why they were doing this whole trip now – that Hank had relented, they all had – so Ethan could again go to the week-long Field Museum summer camp in August and get to talk to museum technicians and scientists and paleontologists and biologists and archeologists and marine biologists and astronomers who might capture for him who he was – and who he was meant to be – rather than another generation of Voights in the Blue. To let him be his mother's son. The scientist. The biologist. Or with Ethan … maybe that'd be the geologist or paleontologist. Or who really knew. But Erin knew whatever it was, they were all just trying to help him get there.

Including Jay. Who had no reason to. Who could've easily turned his back on it. He could've shelved their relationship. Or kept his distance from Ethan. He could've been uninvolved. But he wasn't. And he didn't act like he wanted to either.

Erin stroked at his cheek and leaned in for a brief kiss. He accepted it – gently – but looked at her like he was a little surprised when she backed away and gazed at him.

"I know you don't like me telling you this," she admitted. "But you're good with him."

He just gazed at her and did that shrug that he always did. "He's easy," he provided in his standardized answer.

"He's not," Erin said.

"He is," Jay nodded at her a bit more firmly. "Ethan's just a kid. He's a nice, easy-going kid. It's … his health that's hard. And it's manageable."

"It's frustrating," she said.

Jay shrugged. "I'd take a kid with some frustrating health issues over some of the spoiled brats we saw today."

She made and amused noise and smiled. "Yea," she agreed.

She leaned in for another short kiss. This one lingered a bit longer and she shuffled a little closer to him, her legs moving to drape and rest across his lap and his arm curling up her back more as he leaned into her lips.

Part of her wanted to tell him – again – that she knew, she could see, he was going to be a great father. That she trusted him with that. That watching him with Ethan made her feel that even for all her failings, she knew that they'd be able to raise and have a family together – because he'd be so much better at it than her. And that he'd be so much better at it than he thought he would be. That he was patient and giving and kind and sacrificing in his own ways – even if that wasn't what he'd seen or learned at home from his own father. But she also knew he didn't like her telling him that, even though she felt like he needed his own confidence booster and being told. Even though she was having twinges about opening that discussion with him again about the if and when and how they were going to actively start trying to make their own family. To be parents.

But rather than say any of that, she just made the move. She decided to be the on to push forward the initiation. And as they kissed, she shifted her position, and straddled him, settling into his lap. She smiled at him, as he looked up at her with eager eyes but with that quiet question of if this was a good idea and if she actually wanted to take the risk. But the way his hands settled against he hips, holding her, she knew he wanted to just as much as her. And she leaned back in to find his mouth again – and he eagerly opened his lips to her. And he pulled her a bit more firmly against him.

They kissed. The blanket falling away from her waist and finally showing off her bikini bottoms to him. And he clearly wanted to see more – or at least feel more of her skin. His fingers trailing up under tshirt and tracing across the skin of her stomach in ways that caused gooseflesh that wasn't related to the A/C in the suite to pop up there. For anticipatory shivers to shoot down her back.

But they'd barely had the chance to deepen the kiss. To do much of anything. To enjoy that anticipation or to see where it'd lead. Jay hadn't even had his chance to make his move – to flip her and for them to try to find anything that resembled a comfortable position to make out on the cramped little couch. Because there was Ethan's voice outside the sliding door, "Can I come in?" he asked a little unsurely – a clear indication that he'd likely caught a glimpse of what was going on in there through the crack Jay had left it open – and already knew the answer.

Their kiss stopped. Both of them letting out a not-so quiet sound of frustration. Their foreheads resting against each other's.

"We're taking some private time," Erin called out at him, trying to withhold her annoyance.

"Normal private time or gross private time?" Ethan asked through the door.

Erin sighed and Jay still held her against his lap. She made no move to remove herself just yet. Part of her hoped Ethan would take the hint and go back to his room and watch some TV and give them a few more minutes to themselves.

But then he added, "Because it's passed my pill time and it's my tremor medicine and you get upset when I don't take it on time. And they aren't in the bathroom and I don't know where you put them."

They both let out a joint sigh at that and Jay's hands dropped away from her waist and she moved to get off him.

"Just a second …," she allowed.

She rose from the couch and bent over the table, handing Jay the Galactic Night box, which he took and shoved down between the cushions behind where he was sitting. She went and slide open the door and Eth looked up at her a little unsurely – measuring if she was upset at him – and glanced passed her to where Jay was sitting on the couch. But then he moved his eyes back to her.

"I think I should take the pain pill too," he offered quietly.

She allowed a little nod and nudged passed him, while also nudging him toward the sitting area. And she went to her suitcase to retrieve his stockpile of pills and to dig out the ones he needed.

"Now I can't sit on the couch the rest of the week," she heard Ethan say to Jay.

She didn't even be there to know that Jay had shown complete indifference to that. "Fine, more space for us," he'd allowed.

Ethan had made a noise. He'd already expressed that he didn't like the little arm chairs in the room. But Erin moved back by him, nudging him again.

"Sit down," she ordered. "You need to have something to eat if you're going to take the Vimovo." Eth gazed at her. "We weren't doing anything that we haven't done on any of the couches you sit on at home." They'd actually done a hell of a lot more on the couches at home. And she was pretty sure on the one in his dad's living room – so had Hank and Camille and Justin and various girlfriends and some boys from her past that she didn't want to reflect on too much either. But her baby brother still made a disgusted face at her and she just nodded toward the sitting space again. "Don't be a baby."

He shuffled into the room, as she went over to the kitchenette and filled up a glass of water for him and opened the single cupboard to look at the crackers and granola bars they'd picked up for him the day before, weighing what he'd eat without comment and save them from nausea or stomach pain.

"How you feeling?" Jay asked Ethan. Her brother had just shrugged. "You hurting bad?"

Ethan shrugged again. "I don't know. Maybe."

"Must be if you want your pain meds," Jay said.

"The air conditioning is really cold," he said. And Erin gave another glance, weighing that too. They'd really have to call down to have someone come up to take a look at the thermostat if the A/C was bothering Eth that much. They couldn't have it aggravating his aches and pains. It'd made getting through the week that much harder.

Jay allowed a little nod, accepting his explanation, as Erin came back and handed him the water and a handful of crackers. Then she sat down on the stacking tables, watching him crunch on one while she popped open the two bottles and retrieved the pills.

"Are we gonna go down to the pool now?" Eth asked between his slow nibbles, accepting the pills in the palm of his hand and washing them down.

"Whole glass," Erin put to him. He never drank the whole glass with his tremor medication and he really needed to. He gave her a look and took another sip. "I don't know if you feel up to doing much right now," she added.

He squinted at her and washed down the rest of glass and crunched on the cracker, as if to show her he was fine. She was still weighing if she bought that. Deciding in her own mind – again – how they were going to manage the evening now that he was awake.

But apparently Jay had other plans.

"You've got three options for tonight, bud," he said. Ethan' eyes moved to his. "One – we go down to the pool."

"That one," Eth said instantly.

"Think you want to listen to the rest," Jay told him firmly. Ethan got quiet – eyeing him at the tone that'd been used. "We go down to the pool. We have some dinner at one of the restaurants downstairs and then we come back up here and you do a bit of that homework before having some of your screen-time and hitting lights out."

Ethan squinted more. "It's vacation," he said.

Jay shrugged. "Want to hear the other two options?"

"Yes," Ethan put flatly – because he was clearly unimpressed with Option One, even though it sounded pretty decent to Erin.

"Option Two," Jay said. "We take a walk over to the City Walk now, pick out a restaurant for some dinner, then come back here and work on one of your homework sheets for a bit until it's time for the movie at the pool. Then we head downstairs."

"Why don't any of these options have going back to Jurassic Park?" Ethan said with a small edge. "We didn't go on Indominus' Reign yet!"

"You really think you're still up to a park?" Erin put to him. He cast her eyes – they flickered with anger, frustration and hurt. The little boy and the sick boy and the defiant teenager all struggling for the upper hand.

"Option Three is that we start working on your homework – now," Jay told him, keeping straight on eyes. "We have a bite up here. And around quarter-to-seven, we'll head back over to the park for a couple hours."

"And then the pool?" Ethan pressed.

Erin shook her head. "No," she said mirroring the firm tone Jay had been using. "After the park, we come back and you get ready for bed."

Ethan eyed her. "But we'll go to the pool tomorrow?"

Erin shrugged. "Tomorrow we'll talk about tomorrow," she said.

Ethan let out a slow defeated breath and he sat there, staring at the crackers in his hand. Her phone buzzed on the table and his eyes flickered again to look at it. Her eyes shifted too and she allowed a little smile to creep on her face. She picked it up and clicked on the picture that had come through, turning it to show to Ethan.

"Looks like Bear is helping your dad get the sandbox ready for Henry," she said.

Ethan gave it a shy smile and took it to stare at. "Did you talk to Dad while I was sleeping?" he asked.

Erin gave a little nod. "Just texted," she said.

"Can I call him?" Ethan asked.

Erin gave him a little sigh. "How about you tell us what option we're doing and then we can figure out when you can call your dad, Eth."

"I just want to tell him about everything," Ethan said softly.

"I know," Erin acknowledged. "But you can't be on the phone with him for half-an-hour and then expect to have time for all these other things. We need you do some of your homework – or your dad is going to be pretty unhappy with all of us when you get back."

Ethan stared at the photo of his dog – and the sandbox and the toys sitting next to it that Hank had managed to dig out of the shed and the basement. He'd found the old plaster dinosaur fossils. He'd told Ethan he was going to look for them. Erin was surprised – and not surprised at all – they still existed and had been kept. And she also would be completely unsurprised if in that moment Eth just wanted to be there to bury them in the sandbox and then to sit there all Easter weekend with his nephew digging them up and making Jurassic discoveries.

"Option three …" he finally whispered. It was a little weak.

But Erin nodded. "OK," she allowed. "Then, we'll text your dad and let him know we'll be back in our room by ten—"

"That's only nine at home," Ethan stressed.

"I know," she said. "So that'd give you half an hour until light's out. Right?"

"Yea …," Ethan allowed.

"So, you can talk to your dad then," she said.

"OK …," he nodded. "Tell him to have Bear there to talk too."

She allowed a little smile at that. "OK …," she conceded. She'd like Hank handle that. She wasn't sure if he'd put the dog on FaceTime or not. But that's something he could argue about with Ethan himself.

He handed the phone across to her and she worked at keying in the text right away. She figured with a Friday night to himself, Hank might be prowling the streets and grooming his contacts or over at the Social Club or sitting somewhere with Alvin trying to keep him from drinking his cares away too badly or off drinking his cares away by himself too. But hopefully with a bit of notice, he'd make himself available for Ethan. She didn't doubt he would. Because she was pretty sure he'd want to hear about the day. Just like she'd read between the lines in the handful of texts he'd sent earlier and got the sense that Hank sort of wished he was there seeing the look on Ethan's face in Jurassic Park and not just looking at it in pictures.

"Option Three has a few caveats," Jay put to Ethan as she keyed into the phone. She gave him a glance at that and arched her eyebrow slightly. But he was looking at Eth who was staring at him with mild horror. Because Eth knew that he wasn't a fan of caveats and Jay loved placing caveats in his little bribe and reward system for her brother. So it really shouldn't have surprised either of them that he had some now too.

"We're going to go and do Indominus first," Jay said. "You want to do the other two coasters after that – fine. But we aren't going on the River Adventure again and we aren't going to go into Camp Jurassic."

"But—" Ethan protested but Jay firmly shook his head.

"It's going to be dark, you're already cold. We aren't going to get wet again," he stressed. "And we aren't going to spend the whole night in the dig site. Because the other caveat is there's a couple things, me and your sister want to do. We'd like to do the Flying Dinosaur again. You can go into the gift shop while we do. That's fine. But we're going to do it again. And we'd like to go on the Hulk coaster too. Same thing. Understand you aren't interested. You don't have to come on. You can check out the line with us, if you want. Or can wait outside, check out a gift shop there. Fine. But we're going to ride. And after that, if there's time, I'd like to check ou the Spiderman ride. It's not a coaster. I think you'd like it. But I know how you feel about super heroes. You want to skip it – again – fine. But I'm going to ride—"

"I will too," Ern added. Jay met her eyes briefly and then shifted them back to Eth.

"And you can make your own call about it," he nodded. "We get each other?"

"Yea …," Eth allowed quietly. The tone said he wasn't entirely thrilled and he wasn't entirely sure what he'd decide to do. But he was willing to accept the deal.

Jay nodded and then jutted his chin off at the door. "OK," he allowed. "Then go grab your homework pack. We'll pick out a couple pages to work on."

Ethan let out a slow breath but pulled himself back to his feet and moved back out the door. And her and Jay again met eyes. And she sort of again wanted to tell him what a dad he was going to be. What a husband he'd be. What a friend and partner he was.

But she didn't say it. She didn't need to. All she needed to know what that they could do this. Together. All of it. Because they already were.

And what she did say to him was, "You know, tonight, I think I'm going to take a nice, long shower". And she arched her eyebrow at him.

And he smiled. Grinned like a silly little boy. "That sounds like a great idea."

And it really did. Because they were going to make it a vacation for all of them. Fumbling and stumbling and pawing their way through. Faking it until they made it. And making it up as they went along. All the inconveniences and changes of plan as they went along. But it was still all going to work out OK. It'd still have good parts and memories. Even with the caveats they all needed to buy into to make it work. It'd work out.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: Not sure what Florida chapter I'll do next or if I'll shift back to the more traditional story at this point. We'll see. Had sort of wanted to do Harry Potter and/or Star Wars chapter but I might've run out of Florida steam.**

 **Your readership, reviews and comments and feedback are appreciated.**


	21. Scrambled

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

Erin glance at Ethan as he hobbled up to her and gave her a playful nudge. She'd heard him coming. It wasn't like Eth went much of anywhere quietly on his crutches. And she'd choose to ignore him. She figured he was coming over – or being sent over by Jay – to tell her she was taking too long and to hurry it up. But she planned on ignoring that too. She'd had such a boy day that she thought both of them could deal with letting her look around the little farmer's market and knick-knack stand at all the gaudy "authentic" Florida items and even gaudier "antiques" with ridiculous price tags for the rusting pieces of junk. Not that that was stopping her from slowly taking in each and every item. That's the way you had to treat these places. Recognance mission. You never knew where or when you were going to find something of value. Or at least something that would look great on a bookshelf – no matter how much Jay disagreed about the things she brought home to put on their shelving units. He just had a problem with decorating period. But motorcycles and photographs for the sky and sand in Afghanistan didn't really amount to her definition of "decorating" (or "photography" for that matter) either.

The look she gave Eth was a little warning but he just grinned at her. "That lady at the front didn't like me lookin' at the chickens," he told her. "She told me not to harass them."

Erin raised her eyebrow at him. "Were you harassing them?" she put to him directly.

"No," he said defensively. "I was just looking. I think she thought I was like eight and you left me alone or something. She told me to stay with my parents. I told her I couldn't since Mom's dead and Dad's in Chicago."

Erin glanced over at her shoulder at that to the woman who was still clearly gawking at them – and her phone. "Nice, Ethan. Now she's likely checking for Amber Alerts."

He just shrugged. "I don't think she knows what dead means or where Chicago is because she already told Jay off for 'leaving your son unattended.'"

"Mmm …," Erin acknowledged with an eye roll. It was more likely that she thought Ethan was being obnoxious since he'd obviously come in with them. But the women was poking at a bull if she was going to give Jay attitude. She cast her eyes over to Jay a bit. He was examining something at his own table. "And did he tell her off too?" Because that was Jay.

But Ethan only shrugged again. "She got glared at and he told me really sarcastically to 'go to your mother'. I assume he meant you."

Erin gave her head a little shake and gave the woman another look. She was still watching them carefully. Maybe too carefully. She was likely reassessing the situation. But she could mind her own business.

"Am I going to be able to buy this now?" she put to Ethan, flashing the little jar she'd been examining the ingredients on. "Or are we about to get kicked out?"

Eth just shrugged again. He clearly didn't feel any urgency about appeasing the women and getting the hell out of there. Likely rightfully so. They weren't doing anything wrong. "Jay says we should be good patrons and buy something since I'm harassing their livestock." Erin made a mildly amused noise at that and he must've heard or sensed it because he looked up at gave her a wryly grin. "So he's gonna buy some alligator jerky."

"Alligator jerky?" Erin raised her eyebrow and looked back to Jay and his examination of the contents of the crates he was at.

"Yea …," Ethan smiled. "Awesome, right?"

Erin shook her head. "I don't think so."

"Why not? It's not that weird. They raise them here. Like on farms. It's not like one out of a ditch," he argued.

"It's alligator," she nodded at him.

"Jay's eaten way weirder stuff then alligator," Ethan provided.

"Is that so?" she asked, again raising her eyebrow and casting a little glance at her fiancée.

"Yea …," Ethan nodded with way too much enthusiasm. "Like goat and camel and emu and all different kinds of game meat. Like moose and boar and venison and even beaver."

Erin grinned a little bit at that. Mildly disgusted but also wondering how much Jay was teasing Ethan with that inclusion – especially for it to be dangling at the end of the list. Much like Jay's assertion that he could "go for tacos" or was "down for smoked trout." Both phrases she was trying to beat from his vocabulary.

"He's gonna get some and we can all try it," Ethan added excitedly.

"You want to try it, you try it," Erin allowed. "I'm not."

"It's just gator," Ethan said.

Erin shrugged. She was sure she'd be told it "tasted like chicken" but she still had no interest.

Ethan huffed his disapproval about her lack of adventurous taste buds. "Fine. He also wants to know if you want a smoothie? They're just fruit and ice. You can get milk in it if you want. I'm getting grapefruit."

"Are you?" Erin raised an eyebrow at him.

"Yea …" he said with yet another shrug.

"You think you're going to like that?" she put to him.

"Yea …," he allowed again.

She allowed a little nod. She supposed it wasn't her money or her problem if he took one sip and decided it was way too sour for him. And besides, when she'd seen the sign on the walk in advertising their so-called smoothies, with key lime listed as one, she'd known that they weren't likely going to get out of there without Jay having bought one for himself. He'd been talking about the necessity of eating key lime pie all day. In fact, he'd been on the look-out for a farm-stand along the backroad he'd picked to get them back into Orlando to pick up a whole fucking pie. This place had pecan – but not key lime. So, it'd been pretty apparently from the get that he was going to settle for a smoothie – for now. She was pretty sure that their trip to Florida wasn't going to be able to end without him getting "authentic" key lime pie. She thought that might be asking for a little much considering they were staying at the Universal Resort. But they could all have their vacation dreams.

'Strawberry', she mouthed at him. She didn't even need to say it out loud. She probably didn't even need to say it at all. She likely just needed to give him a nod in the affirmative that she wanted one. He would've known what flavor she wanted of the limited options on the list. He was good like that. Too good. He was on a very short list of people who'd ever taken much interest in knowing her likes and dislikes. Of getting to know her period.

But he still gave her a little smile at the mouthed word and gave his own little nod, putting down whatever he was looking at and saying something to the woman who was still keeping watch over them. But she acknowledged whatever it was he'd said and walked over to the little snack stand off to the side, Jay taking his time to trail after her and digging out a couple bills out of his back pocket to pay for their snack – and their apparent peace offering to this bitch.

Because she was pretty sure that Jay would've been OK continuing to keep an eye out at the the varius citrus stands for a sign promoting key lime pie. But the woman being a bitch to Eth had apparently earned her a sale. Or Jay had actually seen Eth harassing the chickens and was making a real peace offering. But Erin didn't really believe Ethan would bother any animals that much or that Jay would've let it continue if he'd see it going on.

"Guess you don't need to buy it," Ethan told her.

Erin looked back to him and gave her own little shrug. "I think I might get it anyway. What you think? For Dad?"

Ethan looked up at her. There was quiet surprise and happiness in his eyes. But she'd seen that lot that day. She'd actually seen it in Jay's too. He'd clearly been having a bit of his little boy moment. Or maybe grown-man bucket list moment by getting to explore a little boy fantasy and obsession.

Their plan for a quiet day hadn't really worked out. It'd been quieter than the day before. Or at least a different type of busy. Less exhausting but more exhausting in its own right. They'd have to strive for better the next day or they'd be screwed for their Galactic Night. But at least the guys had gotten a Galactic Day.

Eth was so screwed up with the time difference and just habit of when his dad got him up on school days and with his medication. Now it showing 6 a.m. on his watch was 5 a.m. there – on fucking vacation! – and he was still getting up. There'd been no sleeping in like Erin had hoped for. But she supposed even though she liked sleeping in, she wasn't exactly great at it either. Not when she was on the straight and narrow. Not when she was sober. And Jay didn't seem to have a clue what sleeping in was.

He complained about how loud Hank was on the mornings they did end up sleeping over at his house – which really wasn't often anymore, since there really wasn't ever a reason to. Not with how close the townhouse was. But Jay was just as much of an early riser as Hank and wasn't exactly quiet either.

He was always banging around in the kitchen on weekends too – which Erin could only complain about so much, because it usually involved him making her breakfast. And if he wasn't doing that, he didn't seem to know how to leave the house quietly. He seemed to insist on going out for this run through the garage and no matter how many times she could him how fucking loud the garage door was and how it near made their whole bedroom shake – and thus likely the whole fucking house – he still went out that way for his run.

She was pretty sure it was his way of prodding her awake. That him leaving was her warning to start waking up – and not wasting the day – and him coming back in through the garage and them up the stairs and using the shower in their bathroom suite was her final countdown. If he made it to the shower. Sometimes he crawled back into bed all gross and sweaty – but Jay and exercise … and adding in him smelling so much like men, even if it was sort of sweaty and … gross. It wasn't gross enough that she pushed him away to get another ten or fifteen minutes more sleep every day of the week. He clearly had some then a few methods behind his madness.

That morning, though, Jay hadn't gotten out for a run or a swim or down to the resort gym – despite him stating repeatedly in the lead up to the trip that he was going to keep up his exercise routine, especially since he fully intended to make some disgusting choices on menus and vacation-level drinking on his holiday. None of that was particularly working out, though, yet. Beyond their lunch in Jurassic Park – which overall was relatively healthy given some of the other food options they were seeing all around them – they hadn't eaten out yet. Despite the pool-side bar with all sorts of vacation drinks to let you pretend you were somewhere far more exotic than Universal Orlando, they'd had yet to indulge there either. Not that either of them were really fruity, girlie, vacation mixed cocktails people anyway. And, despite their being running trails all over the resort, two pools just at their hotel and a HUGE gym with more machines and equipment than any kind of gym membership they could afford back home in Chicago – neither of them had done anything that had remotely resembled their usual fitness and exercise routine. And Erin was sure that people would bust their balls about that when they got back too. But she also thought they were likely doing enough walking and standing in a day that they were at least putting in good mileage and burning some calories, even if they weren't exactly doing cardio or strength training. There was some strength training involved with Eth anyway. She swore Ethan came with more gear than Henry. Yet another way they'd be baby ready in the future.

It'd been Ethan, though, who'd been up at the crack of dawn that morning and raring to go. Her and Jay had still been in bed. She'd been sleeping. She got the sense that Jay was awake but had just been laying there. So it'd been him who'd gotten up to help Eth with his pills and to make sure he had some food in his belly with them. And at that point, it was pretty clear that neither of them were going to get back into bed. And it was even more clear that they weren't going to tolerate sitting in the little living space while she tried to get another hour or two sleep either. And even if they had – she wasn't going to get back to sleep either. They were being too fucking loud in their. And it was pretty clear that Eth wasn't loving the quieter day ideas that Jay was floating at him – namely a pool day and mini golf.

She really should've gotten out of bed sooner. She should've gone into the living room when she heard them talking and knew Ethan was trying to negotiate an eventful day – not a down day that with the way he'd crashed in the afternoon and when they'd gotten home in the evening, while still talking to his dad on FaceTime. But by the time she did go out there, Ethan had been all smiles in declaring that they were going to the Space Center that day. She'd stared at Jay but he'd only shrugged at her. She'd tried to offer some alternatives. Ones close by. Ones that would likely only be a half day at most. She'd put forward one of the water parks. She'd put forward fucking Gatorland. She'd put forward doing multiple mini golfs – off-site. She'd even offered up going down to the fucking bowling alley in the hotel.

But, it was too late. The decision had been made. And she was just going to have to trust Jay's assessment of Ethan's health, ability and energy level that morning. And tell herself that if he crashed bad mid-day – or worse, if this day was way too energetic before their fucking Galatic Night excursion the next day – that it was Jay who'd have to pay for it. He literally already had. So if Eth wasn't well enough to handle what they had on the go tomorrow – it'd be Jay's loss and Jay's problem.

As Ethan showered and dressed, Jay tried to assure her that it wouldn't be that bad. That he wasn't going to try to turn it into a beach day or go over and do the wildlife drive at the state preserve near the Space Center. That they were just going to do the Space Center. He even spouted off a willingness to leave after lunch. That they'd be back to the hotel by early afternoon to have some down-time and quiet for the rest of the day.

She absolutely knew that that was not the way it was going to work out. Even if it was the fucking Space Center and not a theme park. But with the way Jay was looking at her – little boy, excited eyes that weren't that unlike the ones Ethan had had the day before for his dinosaurs – she hadn't been able to burst that bubble. So she'd just shrugged her agreement at his supposed plan and schedule.

As expected, the day didn't exactly go as planned or on schedule. But it'd still been a nice day.

She'd gotten to see her little brother light up as they drove across the causeway and he got his first look at "the ocean", firmly declaring that it didn't look that big or great compared to the lake back home. His tone changed when they spotted either dolphins or porpoises jumping through the surf. It'd changed more when he spotted the pelicans gathering on the rocks. And he'd quieted right down as they drove the last stretch up to the Visitor Complex's entrance and they started spotting alligators in the mucky ditches along the way. Slowing down the car to take a look and bringing it to a full stop – like complete fucking tourists – taking pictures out the windows and staring at the things.

And all that was before they even got to the place. Getting there had just … she didn't even know where to start in describing it. Or really, the looks on both Jay's and Ethan's faces from about the moment they got out of their rental. And whatever happened that day – whether they had to cut it short, or whether Eth couldn't really handle it, or even if it completely bored her out of her fucking mind – it was going to have been worth enduring it to see the looks on both of their faces. Not just her little brother's – but Jay's.

They'd headed straight for the bus tour of the site after they got inside. The place's map had claimed it was a forty-five minute tour. That was a complete lie. They'd spent their whole morning out on it – getting off at the couple stops, which really couldn't be called stops. They weren't just viewing sites for a quick photo-op, they were complete museums. They were standing in front of the Vehicle Assembly Building that was too big to even fully comprehend. But that hadn't stopped her crippled little brother from laying flat on the ground in an attempt to get a picture of her and Jay and the giant building with its giant flag in the background. And he'd actually done a decent job. Ethan clearly didn't get his photography skills from Hank and that said something considering her brother's tremor.

They'd gaped at the old space shuttle transporter crawler which again just put the sheer size of the things into perspective. They'd gotten to climb up (very slowly but deliberately on Eth's part) an old launch gantry and gaze through telescopes that were now directed at the SpaceX launch pads. And she got to hear both the boys whine about how amazing it would've been to be there for a launch day. Though, some Googling had quickly shown that there wasn't – unfortunately … fortunately – going to need to be a return trip on that trip for that event. But, it generated chatter about the necessity of coming back down to see one when the manned missions started again.

But the real treat had been when they arrived at the Apollo-Saturn V Center way out from the Visitor Complex. And if they hadn't lied about the 45-minute tour before that stop – it was where their pants were set on fire. Even Erin had been impressed.

You entered through a launch simulation in mission control and Jay had just been glowing watching it – like Eth with his dinosaurs. Maybe more. They then got released into another massive building with the Saturn V hanging from the rafters, floating above them.

It was basically like being in a museum after that. Lots of little exhibit halls. And Jay and Ethan had wanted to go through each and every one. Slowly. But Jay had held casually at her hand for much of it. He'd occasionally squeeze it while he pointed something out that had clearly excited him. Moon rock – that they could actually touch. The moon rover. The man that transported "the actual Apollo astronauts" to the launch pad. Allan Shepard's space suit still covered in moon dust. Space capsules and sky labs and living quarters and medals and artifacts – most of which Erin didn't know what they were. But she still stood next to him as he experienced it. And she listened as Jay so patiently helped her baby brother read the information panels in the low light and dispensing information from all his documentary viewing like he was actually some kind of rocket scientist. If Jay were the crying type, she was pretty sure he might've shed a tear or down in the multimedia presentation at the end of the exhibit hall, recreating the lunar landing and encouraging those in the room to push toward the future and the stars – to serve their community and their country and all of humanity in the challenges that were before them.

She was pretty sure that neither Jay or Ethan were quite ready to leave that spot. In fact, she was pretty sure that they both could've likely spent the rest of the day just wandering around that building and its gift shops – completely missing everything else the Visitor Complex had to offer after this 45-minute bus tour that was far closer to four hours as far as Erin could tell.

So she'd let them stay. A bit longer. She'd herded them out to the little patio and picnic area and unpacked the sandwiches and lettuce wraps and the chopped up chicken breast and avocado and apple that she'd mixed together quickly as a lunch. With the option of crackers and cheese on the side. With only some fruit for dessert – because she wasn't letting Eth eat one of the granola bars when she knew he'd want one later in the day with his afternoon pills if they weren't back to the hotel yet. The big option to wash it all down was tap water they'd brought with them. And they'd just sat eating and looking across the water into the distance where the specks of the launch pads could be seen still towering above the flat landscape.

There hadn't been a peep of complaint out of Ethan about this taking too long or being too museum-like for vacation. Or that he'd rather be doing something else – something that was at the top of his list and not someone else's. He hadn't complained that all the other people sitting around them had gotten food at the fast food counter inside. That they were eating hot dogs and ice cream and pizza while their meal was from the grocery store and slapped together in the hotel suite that morning only to be carried around at the bottom of a backpack for the past four hours.

Instead, while gazing at the water and speculating about what the fishing would be like in that kind of environment (which Erin didn't know, but knew that Camille would've loved the question and would've known right off the top of her head what they could pull out of the water there), he'd offered the quiet observation that he liked picnics. That he liked in the summer when his dad came home from work and they packed up dinner and went down to the lake to cast their lines until dusk. That one of his favorite parts of camping and fishing with Hank was the picnics and the campfire food. That he was "so happy" he got expelled and got to come home -because he loved those couple hour week-day trips down to the lake and he loved the camping and he loved the fishing. And the underlying, unspoken statement was that he loved his dad. And he loved spending time with him and having his father be a part of his life and want to be a part of his. And within that statement what Ethan was really saying was that he loved a person, and activities, that his mom had loved dearly too.

And Erin had her own quiet, unspoken observation then too. That somehow for all Hank's flaws and his less than personable personality – he'd found people who wanted to be around him. He'd found someone who loved him and they'd made a family that cared about him too. That he cared about deeply – almost feverishly, to the point that he'd done some insane things. Things that had nearly pulled them all apart. But somehow he'd still managed to keep them together and keep them near him and for them to still care about him and love him too. For all his flaws and faults and indiscretions. That it likely hadn't been easy for Camille with him even as kids but there was something in him that had been worth sacrificing for. And, they both had made sacrifices. But that just by living within their means and having a quiet, middle-class life – not striving to do anything too fancy and not going out of their way to give their kids everything. By just giving them enough. Enough of them. Enough of their time. Enough that they were taken care of and loved and wanted – and they knew those things even on the days any of them particularly hated Hank or Camille … mom and dad. Enough that there were treats and traditions and little moments to look forward to and little surprises throughout the year and some spoiling on occasion … when they could or because they could … or maybe because they'd earned it or were being rewarded or had reached some predefined right of passage in that home in family. But it was all geared toward shaping them and trying to make them better people. To give them an education and thoughts and interests and minds of their own – even if all three of them had more than enough minds of their own to go around, which was undoubtedly a giant pain in Hank and Camille's asses.

But they'd all received the opportunity to have a life that had experiences within it. That they'd managed to give them a hell of a lot. Maybe they were three times lucky. Maybe Justin had been too much the center of their universe as an only child for too long. Maybe she'd come to them too damaged by her years with Bunny. But they'd managed to produce this down-to-Earth little boy. Ethan despite – or maybe in spite – of all his challenges.

It was something that really seemed to sink in while they were sitting their next to a museum about space and the stars. Their minds off on different planets. And Erin hoped that she could manage as much for children of her own. That they'd be as good … as nice … as smart … as humble as her little brother. That maybe she really did hope that for all her faults and flaws and less than personable personality – she'd be loved enough by Jay and by the family they made that they'd be able to stick it out on that planet together through all the fucking ups and downs that got thrown at them. That there'd be enough in each other and in anyone they added to their family that the love and the care was more than worth sacrificing for. That maybe it'd make them a little feverish with insanity at times too. But when there were people like that in your life – maybe you were meant to do insane things to keep them close. To not let go.

After they'd eaten they'd re-boarded the bus to head back to the Visitor Complex. Eth was sitting across the aisle from them and Jay had quietly told her that he'd be fine just heading back to the car when they got back and going back into Orlando. But they hadn't had a chance to talk about it – because the route back ended up being their wildlife drive and Ethan was bouncing back and forth between his seat and theirs. At one point, she near had her thirteen-year-old brother propped halfway in her lap as he tried to wedge himself between them and lean over to look out the window and at the bald eagles and their giant nest and an ARMADILLO on their side. Only for him to stumble back to his side of the bus when some more alligators and wild boars. And a bobcat – which had been enough for her and Jay to pull themselves out of their seats and move over to his to take their own look at the rare daytime sighting.

The only whine of the day from Ethan had come when they'd gotten off the bus and told him they were heading to the car – because it was a 'quiet day' and they weren't going to wear him out. He'd begged and begged to see one of the IMAX shows. They'd relented. Because – really – it wasn't a high impact activity. And they'd placed the caveat on it that if they were going to see an IMAX movie there, Ethan wouldn't be putting in anymore requests to go over to one of the IMAX theaters on the resort – because seeing those kinds of movies was something they could do at home. And she felt like such a nagging mom saying it. But he'd wholeheartedly agreed. And again sat in wide-eyed wonder as 3D images picked up by the Hubble telescope were played out before their eyes for 45 minutes.

They'd been slow leaving the theater because you exited through a gallery of more Hubble images and an exhibit, including a scale model of the telescope. It'd been even slower after that as they wandered down, down, down a spiral ramp projecting images on a sphere of the Earth and listing the names of every astronaut on ever mission so far. Jay had taken a long time coming down the ramp – running his hands over the names and the mission numbers. He pointed out a few to her and muttered some memories of heroes and names and missions from his childhood. How he'd looked up through telescopes with his grandfather at the cabin and tried to catch glimpses of the space station or satellites while they went by. How big the starry sky seemed out there in the wilderness and how small it made you feel looking up at it. And somehow it hurt Erin him saying that because she got the sense that a lot of Jay's childhood he'd felt very small and insignificant. And that his grandfather – the person, or touchstone, that Jay seemed to consistently use in sharing any of his childhood memories with her – was likely trying to help and distract him but maybe had made him feel a little more alone in the process. Inadvertently.

He'd stopped for a long time at the plaques for the Challenger and the Columbia's lost crews. He'd leaned there, gazing at the sphere of Earth, with his hands clasped next to their names and missions. Clearly paying his own quiet respects while she nudged Ethan along to give Jay some privacy even though it felt like a moment that maybe she should be going and holding his hand – more so than when he'd held at it in their quiet perusal of the museum exhibits on the causeway.

They did manage to start in the general direction of the exit at that point – but stalled when one of the day's presentations by an astronaut was just letting in. It'd been Jay who'd given her a hopeful look that time. And she couldn't manage a no. Besides, it was another low-key sitting activity that she didn't think would take too much out of Ethan. Unfortunately, it'd been an astronaut who'd been on one of the Atlantis missions and he'd been sure to point them all in the direction of the building housing the last shuttle that had launched from the Kennedy Space Center. Then it'd been Jay and Ethan both looking at her with those big puppy dog eyes. And, she knew she was likely going to be screwed as a parent in situations like this. Because if the kids got eyes anything like Jay's or even if they just mastered that look of his, she was going to be in trouble.

So they'd wandered through the rocket garden, which she knew Hank likely would've loved too. He probably would've liked this day. He actually probably would've liked the whole trip, even though he toted that theme parks weren't his thing. That might be true. But Erin did know that his family was his thing. Spending time with them. Watching them enjoy things and learn things and just be happy and in the moment. And the suppleness of those wants were becoming even more stark on the trip because of her awareness that Hank wasn't there. He wasn't getting to see Ethan with the dinosaurs or seeing the ocean or the alligators or gazing up at the stars. And that stung a little bit. Maybe more than a lot of things related to Hank had stung in a good long while. Because she knew … he ultimately just wanted them to be happy. To be safe and protected and happy with the lives they had. To be able to find some sort of stability and contentment in their every days. In the life he'd tried so hard to build for his family. And she imagined that even if he wasn't saying it, he likely felt like he'd failed in reaching that goal. Because there were so few of them left. And they were kind of fucked up.

But really how fucked up were they? Looking around at some of the families on this holiday – she knew they were only so fucked up. Because as dysfunctional as they were – they were also still functional. And she was seeing a lot of families around her who didn't seem that functional. Or at the very least they functioned within a completely different dynamic than anything she'd known. And their dynamic didn't look anymore healthy than theirs. Some of them looked more toxic than any situation they found themselves in.

But it wasn't even just the trip. Hank would've liked the trip even though he couldn't come and Erin still wasn't sure if she would've wanted him there. Because it would've been different. Very fucking different. But he would've liked the Space Center day. For himself. He would've enjoyed it too.

He likely would've liked the Saturn V building and exhibits too. Because he liked those kinds of documentaries as well. That Jay and Hank had some of the same fucking documentaries queued up on their Netflix accounts. Something she'd teased Jay about but it had gone over badly. And she realized after teasing him, that as much as Jay might not like to be compared to Hank, that she didn't really want to think about the comparison either. Because as much as they there different men, they had too many similarities. And she supposed in some ways as that reality set in too, it again made it harder not to forgive Hank and love him and just move on. Because she loved Jay. And she knew the kind of sacrifices they'd made for each other too. The holes they'd pull each other out of – because they cared, because they were family. But it still didn't make her want to think about the fact that she might be marrying a facsimile of the guy who'd raised her. Because she wasn't sure what that said about her or Jay or their relationship. Or maybe her relationship with the family she'd had for more than half her life now.

She did know, though, that Hank had anecdotes and memories about the space race and watching the moon landing when he was a little boy. Even though it was hard to imagine him as a little boy despite having seen the photos and having known his mother and hearing Camille teasing him and prodding him about some of his quirks from long ago that mostly still existed. Because people don't really change. Life just changes around them and they react.

Just like Hank would sit through science fiction shows and movies with Ethan. With the notable exception of Star Wars. Which Hank claimed didn't classify as worthwhile science fiction. And that might be true. Star Wars was definitely not in the realm of Hank's definition of entertainment. But Erin suspected he'd mostly stepped back from actively engaging in the Star Wars realm with Ethan because it was something her brother had bonded with Jay over. And he'd let that happen. He'd let it grow. He'd recognized it was needed. Or maybe it was a quiet message to her or to Jay or to Ethan … to all of them … of acceptance of the situation and the relationship and of Jay for who and what and the man he was.

And Jay was the kind of man who'd take Ethan to the Space Center and walk around it at a snail's pace – not just because it was something he wanted to see and do, but so he could be there to share the experience with her brother. So he could read the panels and answer questions and just talk to him. The same way that Hank had taken Eth to the Yerkes Observatory in Lake Geneva and had endured some of the programming at Adler with the kid too. To share it with him. To educate him. To try to inspire him to be something more and dream and work hard and to know he could achieve. It was a level of patience that Erin didn't often have with her brother. It was why she avoided taking him to any of the museums because Eth's pace was too slow, because he read so slowly and needed help, because he had endless questions and commentary if you got him going. So she'd much rather take him to laser tag or bowling or paint ball or a movie or dinner or pick him up at his friends' places and play taxi cab or chaperone for or to their events at RIC. But for how impatient Hank – how Jay – could be with the vast majority of humanity – they were willing to slow down and bite their tongues and trudge along for Ethan.

And maybe because space was something they both liked too. She knew that Apollo 13 seemed to be high in Hank and Ethan's movie rotation. Because her brother preferred – could handle – watching the same things over and over again. And in a lot of ways, Hank was the same way. That it wasn't the brain damage, it was Hank. It was that he liked things the way he liked things and after he found something he liked, he stuck with it. For better or worse.

Ethan had been mentioning Apollo 13 like a broken record while they were in the Saturn V building and exhibits. He'd searched the gift shop there for something from Apollo 13 for his dad. It hadn't been a hard item to find. Apparently that mission – that perseverance – had captured a lot of people's imaginations and become a good marketing gimmick. But Erin had still talked him out of buying his dad the "failure is not an option" tshirt. Because Hank rarely wore anything that had any sort of branding on it. Instead, they'd settled into an agreement on a coffee mug with the same quote and the mission patch. Because, as souvenir-y and tacky as it was, it also was so Hank. Failure was not an option. It never had been. It likely never would be. Whatever the circumstances, he'd find someway to come through the other end – bringing all of them with him – whatever the other side might look like. It was the same as Jay. Ranges … they lead the way. And in a lot of ways, those two slogans, they were pretty much the same thing.

And it didn't really matter what it was – because Ethan had just glowed again as he dug out his own wallet and picked through his own allowance money and bought that mug for his dad. Hopefully declaring that he bet it'd be one of his dad's work mugs. That it'd be a "good one for the job". And Erin could tell that Ethan couldn't wait to share pictures of the day with his dad – the ones that they hadn't been sending as they went – and talk his ear off about it. And hand him that mug that he'd picked out just for him.

They'd taken some photos in the Rocket Garden too. They'd all taken their turns at contorting into the space capsule to take their near upside down shots and having that surreal moment of walking across the gangway that others going much farther afield got to navigate.

Unfortunately – fortunately – the Atlantis building when they emerged out of the Rocket Garden was nearly as big and complex as the Saturn V building. The multimedia show and the ultimate reveal of the Atlantis space shuttle had been so well done that even Erin had felt that awe building in her chest. And Jay had once again cast her that wide grin and gripped so tightly at her hand as they walked out of the holding area and into the gallery to stare at this beast that had broken through the atmosphere multiple times and travelled to the space station, orbiting the planet and touching the stars. And Ethan just kept rambling on gob smacked about it being "a real-live space ship" like all the rockets they'd been looking at all day just hadn't competed at all. Because this … it was just different.

The building had been too. The whole space was all interactive and multimedia exhibits. Using the Canadarm and landing the space shuttle. Crawling through the tunnels of the international space station and going down slides meant to replicate the re-entry path of a shuttle. Docking the space shuttle and interacting with massive touchscreens meant to mirror science experiments happening in space right then – density, unity, biodiversity, microgravity. Ethan's mind was spinning and between that and consoles – fully sitting inside a cockpit of a space shuttle – it'd been hard to pull any of them away. It got competitive as they each tried to land the beast without crashing and dock without ramming into the space station and grab cargo with the robotic arm before it floated away into space. Erin wanted to say that she won – but she hadn't. Jay had definitely excelled to the point he'd let slip that if he hadn't been in such a hurry to enlist and get to combat, he likely would've considered Air Force. That he'd wanted to do flight school when he was a kid and that hadn't happened but he did play a lot of flight simulators on the computer – until he took his Call of Duty and Halo turn. And somehow, as good as Jay was at his job, Erin could actually see him as a fighter pilot. A good one.

They'd only given up their spot on the simulators because it became apparent they were hogging the one and other families were getting restless for their turn. Ethan and Jay likely would've been happy to loiter around and wait for another console to free up but instead they'd gone and stood in line for the Launch Experience ride.

Eth expressed some minor hesitance – not sure what exactly it was, when his dad had done enough research about the rides at the parks and the ones he absolutely did not want his son going on and the one was some sort of Mission: Space at the EPCOT park. But a chat with the ride attendant assured them that it wouldn't be that kind of G-Force experience they had at Disney. And Ethan's confidence with the rides had increased a bit after trying the motion simulators that were Indominus and Spiderman the night before. He'd even survived the Amber Mine rollercoaster and the Canopy Coaster, though, he still wasn't too sure how he felt about rollercoasters after them. But the attendant had again assured that it was more of a motion simulator than anything resembling a rollercoaster, so they'd all gotten on.

Erin would say the experience paled some after they'd been at Universal the day before but it was still fun. The shaking and the visuals were intense and the trick they pulled at the end with tilting the simulator gave a surprising feeling of weightlessness that Ethan, who struggled so much against his body and its limitations anymore, continued to glow about and talk about all the way to the car after that. Erin was sure if they didn't have to walk through the whole building again from the ride's exit, they likely would've gone on it multiple times.

As it was, though, it was pushing 4 p.m. and was far later than the "we'll leave after lunch" deal. The park was still open about Visitor Complex more hours and they'd barely scratched the surface there, it felt like. They'd skipped a building on the early space program. They'd skipped the Astronaut Hall of Fame. They'd skipped some sort of Mission Briefing presentation. They'd skipped an exhibit about Mars, which included one of the rovers, which might've been really interesting for Ethan even though he was less than thrilled with his Robotics team that year. They skipped another exhibit that was called Explorers Wanted, which though it likely would've been kind of propaganda-y, it might've been a good opportunity to get Eth's mind churning more about opportunities in front of him if he applied himself and kept plugging away as best he could. And they'd skipped some exhibit and presentation about what NASA was up to these days – and in the near future. And that wasn't even getting into the some of the presentations and shows they had on their schedule or the extra extended tours that went over to Cape Canaveral Air Force Station that Jay likely would've enjoyed or the interactive scavenger hunt that Ethan would've likely gotten lost in for the entire day, if they let him. Basically, it felt like they hadn't done even half of what the place had to offer.

And part of her wanted to tell Jay that it was OK. That they could stay – should stay – until close. And she'd looked at him with eyes that offered that – but he'd just given her a thin smile and given his head a little shake. Because they were both reading Ethan's body language – and even though he'd handled the day well and they'd been inside in A/C and they'd had lots of sitting breaks – they could both see that he was fading just a bit. That they were best not to push it – because they had more excitement scheduled for the next day. And for the rest of the week. And they were right in the period where at home – at school – Eth would be settling down for his afternoon rest.

So Jay had made that sacrifice too. Knowing that they likely wouldn't get back that trip to see the rest of it. Knowing that it might be years or decades before they ever did get back and that even then the trip out to the Space Center might not end up on the schedule. But he hadn't said anything. There'd been no looks or body language. The only thing that he'd done was tugged her wrist to a stop as they passed the final little souvenir kiosk before leaving the complex. And, he'd just bought a magnet.

"You should get a tshirt," she told him.

But he just shrugged at that. "Saving my tshirt money for something ridiculous," he said.

So even though she'd told him he'd look far better in the NASA meatball than the Jaws shark, he'd ignored the offer to walk back to the bigger gift shop. So instead, they'd gone back to the car and she'd let him drive. Let him sit in that lot and gaze at a map – not the GPS – until he'd picked out the back route that'd let them see some of the "real Florida" and not just the highways. And Eth had plugged in his headphones and drowsed in-and-out of consciousness as they made their plodding way back into the city on their hunt for Key Lime Pie, which he thought would be a better treat than any NASA tshirt.

And now here they where – still without Key Lime Pie – but still functional. Having made it through another day. Almost. And apparently looking like a family to the onlookers. More so than they actually were. Or maybe exactly like they were, just on slightly different terms that the snarky old woman had thought.

"You called him dad," Ethan said to her with his big eyes.

She just gave him a thin little smile and gave him a little nudge.

"You haven't called him that in forever," Ethan pressed at her.

But Erin just shrugged. "Well, I think Dad would've liked today," she allowed. "And I think he'd like this?"

Ethan gazed at the jar in her hand. "Jam?" he asked, giving her a look.

She gave a little nod but pointed at the label. "Strawberry rhubarb jam," she corrected.

A smile grew on Eth's face at that and he looked up at her. "Think it will be as gross as his pie?"

She knocked slightly at the brim of his cap. "Dad likes his pie," she said. But she picked up another jar. "What about this one? Marmalade. All the citrus fruits from Florida."

Ethan gazed at it too. "That sounds kinda good. Dad does like breakfast. A lot."

She smiled and gave a little nod. "He does," she agreed.

"So do you," Ethan said.

Erin made an amused noise and gazed down at him. "Brunch," she said.

Her baby brother leaned into her a bit at that. "You think Dad will be having brunch tomorrow with Olive and Henry?"

Erin gave a little shrug. "I think the plan is they were going to come over later in the day for an early dinner," she allowed.

"Ham likely," Ethan said. "And he got the sandbox ready for H."

She gave a little nod. But her brother just leaned against her a bit more. He'd slept in the car a bit and maybe he was still a little dopey. Or maybe he'd just hit his threshold for the day and was ready to get back to the resort and crash for the evening, which wouldn't be a bad thing but wasn't entirely what her and Jay had been talking about.

"I'm proud of you today," she told him. He looked up at her with some question in his eyes. "That you let Jay have his day."

Ethan shrugged a bit. "I mean … I get it's … not just my vacation and that maybe yesterday wasn't as awesome for you guys as me."

Erin gave his shoulder a little nudge. "We had fun," she allowed. Because that was the truth. They had. Maybe more than they'd expected.

But it only made Eth shrug a bit against her too. "I had fun today too," he allowed. "And … like … I've watched all the Cosmos documentaries with Jay and stuff and I know it really likes it all. And he knows lots about that stuff. And constellations. And the planets." Eth gave a little sigh and looked up into her eyes again. "I just … I like that I know some stuff he likes and that he … talks to me. Like I'm normal and not stupid or annoying or … all of that." He looked away. "Justin didn't …"

She wrapped her arm around his shoulder and rocked him tightly against her, just briefly putting her chin against his head. "Don't do that," she said. "We aren't going to get sad and angry like that on this trip. Remember?"

He gave a little nod but she could feel the sadness in him.

"Hey," she whispered at him. "You need to cheer up, because me and Jay were talking in the car and if you're still feeling up to it, we were going to eat dinner out tonight."

But he shifted in her grip and she released him. They were in public. He looked up at her.

"Disney Springs? TRex Café?" she offered. "And the Lego store for dessert?"

His eyes lit up but then flickered a bit and he fidgeted. "The Indiana Jones restaurant is there too," he told her quietly. "It's in a float plane hanger. And Jay really likes Indiana Jones and he really likes planes."

"Mmm …," she allowed to that.

"Him and Dr. Halstead used to play Indiana Jones at the cabin," Ethan added. "Like they swung on vines. Only they weren't real vines. They were roots from a tree on a cliff. He showed me."

Erin smiled at that. She hadn't heard this story. But it completely didn't surprise her. It sounded very Jay and it sounded very much like something she could see him and Will getting up to. Beyond that she knew that Jay and Eth had spent a lot of alone time together at the cabin and out at the lake while she just stayed close to the indoors. She was sure Ethan had heard some more bits and pieces of Jay's childhood that she hadn't. But she would – eventually. Either from Jay or from Ethan's motormouth and lack of filter.

"I hope you didn't try it," she put to him.

Ethan shook his head. "Nah," he allowed. "Jay wouldn't let me. 'Cuz he said it's pretty dangerous. Will fell once and rock his arm. But Jay says he's not very co-ordinated."

"Oh, that's a great thing to hear about a doctor who's a plastic surgeon." She rolled her eyes a little.

"I know," Ethan agreed firmly. "Now I really hate when I get Will when we have to go to the hospital. But he tries not to see my anymore there anyway since you guys are engaged or we're like … family … kinda … or whatever."

"Hmm …," Erin agreed.

"But maybe … I think Jay would like the Indiana Jones restaurant way better than TRex. You probably both would," Eth said.

She scrubbed at the button on his cap. "We likely won't get back there for TRex, Eth."

He shrugged. "That's OK," he allowed. "I mean … you were kinda right. It sorta looked … like Rainforest Café."

"That's OK …," Erin provided.

But Eth just shook his head. "The food will likely be way better at Indiana Jones because the food at Rainforest was kinda ICK!"

A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. That was a pretty accurate assessment. It definitely wasn't the kind of food that Eth would be used to from the kind of restaurants that Hank regularly took him to. It was no mom-and-pop diner.

"You won't be disappointed?" she pressed again in clarification, though.

He shrugged. "It's not like their dinosaurs are gonna be better than the ones we saw yesterday, right?"

"I really don't know, Eth," she said.

He sighed a little. "It's OK," he allowed. "Maybe we can like look in the gift shop after and maybe we'll be able to see into the restaurant and see the dinosaurs from there."

"Maybe …," she allowed. But it made her feel proud of him again. Too. Because he was giving up something he had so expressly wanted to do – for Jay. He was trying to really make it Jay's day in his own way. And that … it meant a lot. It would to Jay too.

Eth looked up at her again. "And I … I know you like breakfast … brunch," he offered. "And … since tomorrow's Easter I wanted to … like take you and Jay for breakfast. Like at that Toothsome place because it has crepes and waffles like you like. Even though Jay says steampunk is too pretentious to endure and keep down his food."

Erin let out an amused noise at that and shook her head, glancing over to where Jay was still waiting on the woman and the smoothies. She seemed to work at a snail's pace.

"That's a pretty expensive breakfast, Eth," she said.

He shrugged and looked up at her. "I know … but I wanna. 'Cuz you're spending lots and doing nice stuff for me. You basically do always. And you should have things you like on the trip too."

She tapped at his brim. "I've got two things I like on this trip," she assured him.

"Erin …," he sighed at her with some minor frustration.

She gave a little nod. She did appreciate his efforts. "You know what I'd like tomorrow for breakfast?" she nodded at him.

He gave her a questioning look. "To get to sleep passed 6 a.m.," she said and he huffed away from her. So she tapped at his brim again. "And, it looks like they've got some farm fresh eggs and Navel oranges here. Right?"

Ethan glanced at the front of the little building they were in where the farm goods were on display. "Yea …," he allowed.

"So … I think that's what I'd like for breakfast tomorrow," she said and picked up a jar of strawberry jam too. It was three for two anyway. "And this," she provided.

Ethan gazed at her hand but took the jar from her.

"You don't have to pay, Eth," she said.

He shrugged. "I can pay and I can make them too. If you like scramble."

She smiled a little at that. She knew Eth was an expert at making scramble of every variety but they had a nice variety of vegetables at home that he could work at chopping and dicing and slicing for them in the morning. Setting him on that task would actually likely give her and Jay a slower start and a quieter morning. And maybe some privacy to at least set out his couple Easter surprises that had been brought and bought. Or maybe they could find something better to do with their private time …

"Scramble sounds perfect," she allowed.

Their scrambled lives. That still congealed in the end. Somehow. All their bits and pieces came together to create something of substance. Maybe a bit more than something.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: Your reviews, comments and feedback are appreciated.**

 **It's very possible this might be the last Florida chapter.**


	22. Hangar Hangout

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

"Ethan don't go too –" Erin had started but got cut off.

"Erin …," Jay put to her, arcing his eyebrow at her as she briefly met his eyes.

She was in a bit of a coddling mode at the moment. Maybe smothering. It was funny how she went through phases of that with Eth. Sometimes the two of them fought and bickered like they were only a couple years apart in age. Sometimes she was just as stern – or more stern – with him than Voight. Than there were other times where she turned into a complete Mama Bear. The protective big sister who was practicing at being a mother – and by Jay's measure likely a pretty fucking good one – came out.

He couldn't pinpoint exactly what had spurred it in her that night. Maybe just that they'd had a long day. Maybe because Eth hadn't eaten that well at dinner. Maybe because they were in an unfamiliar place. And it was getting dark and technically it was actually pushing right passed when they should really be back on their own resort and settling Eth down in the suite for some screen-time and getting him prepped for his night-time pills and to crawl into bed so he got some proper shut-eye.

But, really, as much as it was pushing toward Eth's lights-out and as much as Jay knew part of their deal and vacation planning had revolved around pretty much trying to maintain Eth's schedule and routines as much as possible – so he wasn't exhausted and destroyed and flaring up – he also just really wanted to keep sitting on that (likely entirely man-made-)lakeside deck and patio in the finally darkening and cooling humidity of a Florida evening. With Erin.

Because it actually was almost feeling like a vacation right then. They could almost sort of squint their eyes just so and pretend they were in Central America or South America or at least the Florida Keys and not the middle of Disney's dining and shopping district.

So he really didn't see the harm in Eth wandering off for a bit. Because they WERE in the middle of Disney's dining and shopping district. The pavement was so fucking clean they likely could've eaten their dinner off it – rather than these overly themed tables on this overly themed patio. It wasn't like anything was going to happen to him.

The most that would likely happen was that he'd either spend some of his allowance and vacation money without them hovering over his shoulder and injecting their opinions about his choices—which maybe wasn't a bad thing for him to get used to doing. Making his own fucking choices and mistakes when it came to money. Or he may only get partway to the store he was headed to and realize he was too tired to be trekking around the maze at that point in the day, and hopefully then he'd have enough sense to make his way back to the restaurant rather than pushing onward. And if he did push onward and end up having to sit down somewhere and rest – he had a fucking phone. He was on a leash. They'd find him.

Beyond that – the kid was growing up in Chicago. And as gentrified the area Voight had raised his family in – that him and Erin were putting down roots in – was becoming, it still wasn't exactly entirely squeaky clean. It was still a little rough around the edges. It had some history. It neighbored some areas that still kept some of the fucking hipsters away and from infiltrating and gentrifying the space too much.

And even with that reality, Voight let the kid take off up to the park a couple blocks away and … as far as Jay could tell pretty much play baseball with himself, unless Eva or Evan happened to be bumming around with him. Because even with Eth loitering on the sidelines looking at the fucking riffraff from the neighborhood – about 80 percent of which seemed to be boys around his age, he still didn't get invited to kick around with them. Jay didn't quite get it. But he also wasn't sure it was entirely a bad thing considering some of the petty bullying and bullshit the kids spouted at him just for kicks. But he also knew it was lonely for Eth. Supposed that was part of the reason why Voight pushed the Robotics thing. At least then he had an activity and kids his age to interact with. Supposed it was why they played taxi service to the Museum Hangout Club thing. And to RIC. And supposed between those activities, just had to wait for his kick-around moments with Eva and Ethan and keep waiting for ball season to start back up. That'd be soon enough after they got back and hopefully it'd mean that Eth would expand his little kick-around gang a bit more again. Because Jay knew what it was likely to be a loner as a teen and in high school. He knew Erin did too. And got the sense Justin had too. Each in their own ways and for their own reasons. Voight likely knew too. Being a lone wolf was … what it was … after you reached a certain point in your life. But you shouldn't be having to live with that label when you're still just a kid. It's not setting you up for … a healthy … or normal … adulthood. Social life. Relationships. Friendships. Jay knew that too.

Still, Eth did kick around the neighborhood. He got to wander a bit. Within reason for a kid his age. He wasn't exactly a free range kid. But as much as Voight kept him on a leash, he wasn't exactly caged in either.

Eth walked to their place all the time. He took the dog out when it was still dark in the morning and already dark in the winter after school. He walked to Ignatius most mornings on his own – while the rest of the school seemed to get dropped off by their parents in luxury vehicles. Or cars of their fucking own as soon as they hit 16. He'd walked from campus over to District most afternoons after he finished up his tutoring or Robotics … or detention. Sometimes he even managed to wander as far as the boxing gym or meet up with Eva to take the CTA over to her place, which definitely wasn't in a neighborhood that was doing much of anything to gentrify yet.

So if Eth could manage all that – and come away unscathed from it despite sticking out like a sore thumb – Jay was pretty sure he could tackle going and looking at a few of the stores near Jock's Hangar Bar and Grill – at fucking Disney Springs.

Erin let out a little sigh and her line of sight shifted back to Eth. "Forty-five minutes," she stressed sternly.

Jay was thinking more like sixty to ninety. Give them time to nurse their drinks and talk and just be together … alone … for a bit. But he wasn't going to quibble about it. Not then. More like he'd sent Eth a text around the 30 minute mark and tell him to take his time.

"I know …," Eth huffed at her and started his hobble off again. "Calm down. It's not like anyone is going to abduct me. I'm too much work," he added, wagging his one crutch back in Erin's direction.

He likely had a point. As much as the crutches made him a bit of a target for other things – in that way, he probably wouldn't be a prime choice for any assholes that did happen to turn the area into their predatory territory. And Jay wouldn't be surprised if there were a host of pervs, weirdos and wackos staking out Disney for their own disgusting reasons. Universal too. But, though, he was keeping close watch on Eth and occasionally eyeing anything – or anyone – that seemed a little off to him, he was also keeping it in check and not expressing it out loud. They were supposed to on vacation. Their were fucking sickos, psychos and assholes everywhere. You needed to put the job on the shelf to some extent sometimes. Though, that wouldn't mean he wouldn't step up and step in if something looked outright wrong to him. And beyond that, with some of the stuff going on with Eth's bullying and the fucking education that Evan was giving him with going to an all-boys school and having definitely hit puberty combined with some of the shit the therapy sessions he'd subjected himself to to get Eth into the rockclimbing program … to try to be a better man and a better husband and a better friend and a better cop and hopefully a better father some day … he knew he was sort of getting set off about shit more than he should. Not quite triggering. But projecting. And him and Erin talked … discussed … maybe argued a little … about him not doing that with Eth. And she was right. She had a point. But it was hard. And if it was this hard with Eth … well, he was likely going to need a whole new round of therapy when they had kids. And likely another when they hit Eth's age now. Their early teens.

But Jay still called out at him, "Hey …," he pressed, arcing his eyebrow at the kid and the tone he was giving Erin when Eth looked at him. "Don't go into the Lego store without me," he warned.

"I know …," Eth huffed again.

"I'm serious," Jay clarified.

"I know," Eth stressed and kept going. Erin allowed a small amused smile at that. "I'm just going over there," he muttered in his click-clack away.

There being this giant balloon that they could just see sort of around the corner and out of sight from the deck they were on. But Eth had been sitting watching in fascination as it went up and down. Just transfixed. That and the amphibious cars that looked like Classics out for the '50s, cruising around the lake and then coming up the ramp and into the little harbor. And, Jay'd admit, he'd been a little transfixed by them too. They were pretty fucking cool in a completely … you're at fucking Disney kind of way. So fucking tacky. But still … awesome.

Jay thought it was likely the complete over-stimulation of the setting they were eating in that had caused Eth not to eat than anything that the mothering side of Erin might be worrying about.

"We aren't going on it," Erin called at him.

"I know," Ethan said even more annoyed, giving her a look from his attempt to get off the deck. "I'm just taking a picture of the cars anyway. For Dad."

Eth had been mentioning his dad a lot lately. Especially that day. Jay hadn't minded too much. Erin had said that Voight likely would've enjoyed the Space Center too. And Jay acknowledged that.

He'd been over at Voight's place enough to know that if him and Eth had a space documentary going on in the front room, or even some of the various science fiction movies or shows that weren't too fucking cheesy, the guy might actually appear and sit down. He didn't to that for much TV unless it was hockey, football, baseball or something car related. Or some fucking history special or these old black and white movies. It was weird the Voight he was getting to know outside of work. Slowly. He was an actual, real human being. Maybe that gave Jay some hope that he could manage being a functional human being … a husband and father and partner and cop too. And, it'd been pretty fucking clear anyways that Hank had been trying to nurture the space aspect of Eth's interest in Star Wars and Robotics. Or just science, in general. So it made sense they'd be thinking about him a bit at the Space Center. Mentioning him.

So, yeah, the guy likely would've liked the day. Though, Jay thought he was also pretty happy the guy wasn't there. It definitely would've changed the dynamic considerably. Of not just that day but the entire holiday. He wasn't sure he would've been able to relax and enjoy any of it. He would've had his own fronts up. Him and Erin would've leaned more toward their "professional" demeanor than their "personal" one. Even though Voight saw them enough in a lot of personal, private circumstances. He got to see some of that. They'd let down some walls around him. But they still put on a bit of a show. So Jay wasn't sure he knew entirely how they functioned as a couple. But that was their personal, private business.

He'd mostly just passed Eth's mentions of his dad off as a little bit of homesickness. He acknowledged that since being home and since being officially sick – complete with his fucking labels – he hadn't been away from Voight a lot. The two of them were tight in ways that Jay had trouble understanding because he hadn't had that with his dad. But Voight and Eth … Jay didn't know. He didn't quite get it. But he knew there was part of him that was jealous. Of Eth. And of Erin. Because as much as Voight annoyed the fucking shit out of them. And as much as Voight made fucking clear that Eth was a giant pain in his ass – that Erin still was – he so fucking clearly … loved them. He so fucking clearly wanted to have time with them. And Eth … just … he sought out that one-on-one time with his dad.

Any Saturday that Eth didn't have Robotics and Voight wasn't on-call or on scene, him and Erin were fucking chopped liver (which wasn't a bad thing). Eth just wanted to have that time with his dad. When 90 percent of those Saturdays, it seemed like the agenda was groceries and cleaning and watching TV. Which Jay also got pretty much was what days off became after you were an adult and had a family. But still … Eth would rather kick around with his dad doing errands. Getting tutored on how to cook something or use the grill or best way to chop or what kitchen gadgets to do what. Or how to fucking mop properly in this whole fucking wax on, wax off kind of way, where it'd finally got disclosed that after Voight's dad died he'd taken up after-school work as a janitor mopping and buffing the floors and wiping down the chalkboards. To help bring in money to support his family … him and his mom.

Real work. Honest work. Paid work. Not taking envelopes of money from whatever connections the family had then. Or waiting on CPD to acknowledge and rectify with any kind of compensation and not just a plaque on the wall that his dad had died in the line of duty. And not being a runner at the Social Club. Though, Erin admitted that it was well-known that being that runner made up part of Voight's summer holidays as a kid. But still, knowing that tidbit about him … the teen-aged janitor, trying to be the man of his house at fifteen … it sort of … adjusted his perspective of the man yet again. Slightly. Even if it wasn't exactly surprising. But it just … added some of that focus.

Maybe it was also because as much as he got to see the "home Voight" and the "father Voight" now and not just the morally-grey-area, street-tough cop he was at work a lot of the time.

But Jay also acknowledged Eth was dealing with a whole different mindset when it came to his dad. Jay knew he'd never quite understand it. Because he hadn't lost his mom when he was barely a grade-schooler. And he hadn't lost his older brother when he was still a pre-teen. He didn't grow up with visible scars or brain damage or get sentenced to a life of chronic illness – that was going to have some pretty scary moments and pretty intensive therapies to get you to manage life at all. And even though they didn't really talk about it and he wasn't sure if Eth knew or could entirely understand even talking about 60s or early-70s – but not likely 80s or 90s – still seemed incomprehensible and so far away to him as a kid. But he'd have a shorter life expectancy than most.

And Jay supposed if you were a little kid dealing with all that, you were going to cling to the adults in your life. And you were just going to have to hope that you had decent enough adults in your life that they worked at helping keep you afloat and on the level. And, Eth was lucky that he definitely did.

At first he'd thought it was a little strange for Eth to get any sort of homesickness – already missing his dad and his dog within three days of being away from them. This was a kid that had been shipped away to boarding school for a couple years. But he'd also come to realize that part of the way Eth clung to people wasn't just about his brain injury or him being homesick or him still really just being a kid. It was that he suffered some abandonment issues. In a lot of ways, his mom had "left" him. His brother had "left" him. And Hank had "left" him too for a period. Jay didn't doubt that maybe Erin had that label too.

Jay had trouble wrapping his whole head around the decision to send Eth off to boarding school. The kid would've been all of nine. Barely ten maybe. It just … boggled his mind. Especially seeing the way Voight was with the kid now.

It wasn't a topic that him and Erin talked about much. It was never something she'd said much about or wanted to go into any kind of details. And as they got farther and farther way from it, Eth said less and less about it too. Beyond his repeated insecurities that if he screwed up on the homefront that he'd get sent away again and occasional quips about some of the living hell the kids put him through there too in their own bullying he'd been enduring even then. Jay hadn't heard him say much for a while, though, until his little quip that day about how happy he was to have gotten expelled. And, Jay supposed, knowing Eth now – he was happy he got expelled too. He sort of thought their lives … they were a little bit better, a little bit more complete, more stable, maybe more meaningful or full … having him around. Even if he was a fucking lot of work and a pain in the ass. He was generally worth it.

When Jay had said something in the car on the drive back into the city about maybe Eth starting to feel a little homesick, Erin had let her guard about that time period down a little bit for the first time in a long while too. And, she'd just basically said that while Voight was in lock-up that Eth would be calling her almost every night in tears wanting to come home. And that every day she had off rotation, she was driving up to the school to see him. To take him out of there and into town and then having to drag him back there – both of them in near tears when she did.

And hearing that made it harder for Jay to really understand why Hank would do that to this little kid who he seemed to really fucking dote on now. As much as Voight doted or coddled anything or anyone. But Eth got more of that than most.

But he'd been around long enough at this point to know that sometimes Voight made spur of the moment decisions that didn't really seem like they were well thought out at all. Even if they were what his gut or years of experience were telling him they were the right course of action.

It really didn't matter that Erin had said that he was trying to protect all of them and let them have the most normal life possible in the circumstances. That were already beyond fucked up.

Jay couldn't understand how having a little kid in boarding school was a better option than him being with his big sister who was in her mid-twenties and certainly had experience caring for him. But Erin only shrugged when he argued that. Because he also knew that another reason she didn't like going back into that part of their … her … family's past was because it still hurt them all and was still raw.

And there was the underlying reality that even though Voight had made some pretty fucking stupid decisions – he'd gone off his leash and off the rails – that had hurt them all even more, it'd been Justin who'd set the whole thing in motion. And they also had an unspoken agreement that they didn't talk much about Justin now. Because Erin didn't want to speak ill of him – now.

Not of the dead. Not of pains that would never be fixed. Not when picking and picking at old wounds was never going to let them heal.

And she also knew – and she was right – that he'd be judgmental. He'd express his opinion … opinions … about Justin. About shit he'd put his family through. That he was still putting his family through. That they'd be going through for the rest of their lives. What he'd done to his brother. And Erin. And even Voight. And Olive and his own son. The prices all of them were going to have to pay. Because no matter what a "nice guy" or "goofy, good kid" Erin wanted to try to remember him as – he'd been a bit of an asshole. And he'd made selfish, immature choices – that even if his heart had been in the right place for some of them and even if he'd been heartbroken during others – he'd affected a whole lot of people. And Jay didn't seem as a good guy, or a nice guy, and he had trouble seeing him as a "kid" or having ever been a goofy or good kid. And he wouldn't accept that he'd grown up with Voight as a dad – a cop as a dad – as a fucking excuse. Because so had Erin. So was Ethan. And they hadn't turned out like Justin. They didn't have their heads shoved as far up their asses. They didn't have only-child, center of the universe syndrome. They didn't want to make it out like having a cop as a dad, or a tough guy as a dad, or a guy with a street reputation was a dad who was a tight-ass and strict was such a fucking hardship. And Jay wouldn't buy into for a second that Erin being taken in by the family or Justin ending up with a little brother was something that could throw him so far off the rails. Just like he wouldn't buy that losing his mom was an excuse either. Because that happened. And it sucked. But it wasn't the excuse and justification of behavior that Justin wanted to be. Or the one that Erin wanted to provide for him.

And Erin didn't want to hear those opinions. Again. And not now. He was expected to keep them to himself.

Just like she didn't want to hear his opinion about Voight sending Eth away for two-plus fucking years. She just didn't want to get into that. Because maybe there really wasn't a point.

Erin maintained that Hank was likely right in rejecting her offer to care for Eth in his absence. Back then. Jay knew that if the summer – or anything in the future – came back and bite Voight in the ass in any way, there'd be no way in hell that Erin would let her brother get shipped away.

But he also didn't think Voight would even consider that anymore either. They were all different people.

And Erin acknowledged that even though she saw Eth as a stabilizing force in her life – a reason to stay on track, and stay present, and stay sober, and to set an example and to live up to Voight's sometimes lofty expectations – she probably wouldn't have been a great guardian back then. Not yet.

She still saw herself as just a big sister then. She still was living the life of a 20-something and a Patrol cop. She still was working her way through CPD and finding her place. And her place – and path – had just been fucking compromised because everyone knew who's girl she was and the situation he was in now.

That it might've been better to have Eth out of the spotlight and under the radar, and for her to keep being the big sister, even if that meant she was dealing with a crying little boy over the telephone and using any of her fucking "free time" to go and try to help him pull through it.

And when she wasn't doing that – she was busy trying to help Voight and Justin pull through it. Being the only member of the fucking family on the outside. And having to try to hold it all together in a way that they'd all have a fucking place to come back to when the dust settled and they got out.

And that might've been where Jay got even more confused. Because Voight got out. Justin got out. And Eth was still up in his own personal fucking Statesville at the school.

He didn't understand that. And he could tell Erin didn't really either. He could tell there'd been words and arguments about it.

But the most he'd been given in that regard was that Justin going off the rails after Hank had tried to piece together his family with the death of his wife and the rehabilitation of his young son, had changed him. That in a lot of ways, if Jay had met Voight before all of that, he would've met a different person. That he wasn't quite as broken and he wasn't quite as dark. And having his oldest son do something stupid to fracture the family even more had just … fucked the guy up. And that it was fucking him up again now, even though Voight was struggling to keep it in check and not surface as frequently and as fiercely and as blindly as it did last time.

That when Voight got out, he needed time to find his feet and get his head on straight. To figure out his own way how to re-establish his family and create a home life that was something Eth could actually come home to. And not just a fucking gong show being hosted by a guy that he might not even recognize as his dad at that point. He'd needed the time to mourn and to grieve and to atone and to try to move on.

And that was fine and good to say. But Jay wasn't really sure when Voight planned on bringing Eth home if he hadn't gotten expelled. He didn't get the sense that a real game plan was in place. Or …that the plan was to just let the school raise the kid until he hit eighteen. Because Voight had decided he was a lost cause as a father or a family man.

He wasn't, though. Jay had come to respect the guy enough that he could acknowledge that. Accept it. That he was a father.

So maybe it was a really good thing Eth got expelled. Maybe that was the reality check that whole fucking family needed. Maybe it was the real thing that had forced them to get their heads on straight and to find some stability. To stop slipping on that banana peel that Voight liked to talk about. To realize the who and what they were. Or to fucking live up to what they all needed to be. To stop with the excuses or self-doubt or whatever the fuck had been going on during all of that. Fear of hurting the people closest to them more.

But none of that was anything they talked about much either. Because from what did get said, Jay also knew that there was a whole lot of guilt and second-guessing going on about all of that.

About if they could've caught Eth's M.S. sooner if he'd been home. If they could've started the paperwork and the push to get him on an IEP sooner. And if he'd be farther along in his education. If they would've seen and known about how much bullying the kid was already enduring even at that point. And been able to figure out better ways to help him defend himself and to cope. And to argue with the administration about their policies and to put the fear of the Lord (or the law) into the bullies and their parents if it continued.

But they weren't going to talk about any of that today. Or on the trip. Or really ever.

So any abandonment issues Eth had – any fucking insecurities he had within his own family – were just going to get labeled as homesickness. Him missing his dad and his dog. Maybe him fretting a bit about Voight being home alone for Easter. Though, Jay suspected that any comments about that again went back to the whole boarding school thing and the fact that not being home at Easter was something the kid related to that.

But Erin maintained that the Voights never did much on Easter. That they weren't overtly religious beyond their choice of schools for their kids. Which seemed to have more to do with connections than the religious education or prestige that came along with going to St. Ignatius. That any religion they did have in the home was usually only on display when the grandparents were over for a visit. And that all of that had started to fade a bit as the grandparents died. And had near vanished after Voight's wife died. Apparently.

Erin said that like most holidays in the Voight house, Easter just seemed to be about food. Special meal and some special treats and some fancy European desserts. Which, Jay supposed, based on his experience with Voight's cooking and the kind of old country stuff he pulled out at the holidays, he could appreciate maybe missing that.

Erin said they usually just had a chocolate egg out for the kids in the morning. It wasn't some second Christmas in their house piled with gifts. That when Eth or Justin were still little there'd been some outdoor toy. Something for the sandbox or a kite or a basketball. Maybe. If there was the extra money that month.

Though, she acknowledged that some years – Jay got the impression that if it was a good year financially for the family – there'd be a CD or a gift card or a little bit of money in a card. Sometimes a DVD for the family to watch today. She also acknowledged that even when Eth was away at school that Voight had still sent up a package to the kid with some chocolate and a couple packs of that season's Topps baseball cards or something. And those things were mostly still going to be pulled out overnight for the kid to have in the morning. His dad had still sent them along. And hopefully it didn't trigger him into some sort of boarding school episode or having to get that package alone. Though, he wouldn't exactly be alone. He just wouldn't be with his dad.

That likely had more to do with it. That and the fact that Olive and Henry likely would. Eth worried about his dad a lot. Vocally. He stewed. Eth had turned into a major fucking worrywort since Justin died. Jay knew if anything ever happened to his dad … or Erin, or maybe even him … on the job, they'd all likely be screwed. The poor kid might not be able to handle it. And maybe it wasn't really fair to him that they all worked the kind of jobs they did. The risks involved. But Jay didn't know how to change that for him. He didn't think that was a change that any of the three of them were willing to make. Or they weren't able.

The sandbox and a fucking kite kept getting mentioned. Over and over. Erin said it was one of those brain damaged things. Some stray fucking memory from his childhood that he'd latched on to. That there'd been a fucking kite out for the family one year at Easter. That they'd gone and flown it down at the lake. And now … Eth was like a broken record player about it. To the point that they'd told him that if … when … they headed out to the beach, they'd stop and buy him a fucking kite and try to get it in the air for him. Jay could think of better limited-use beach treats to buy for the kid. Some sort of shift for his shark teeth hunt. A fucking diving mask and snorkel. But now apparently it was going to be a kite. Which likely wasn't going to be quite as exciting as Eth had in his head.

Though, maybe all the sand would make up for it. It'd been such a fucking weird winter with so many mild periods - only for them to buried under snow the next day – that Eth had pretty much been talking about getting the fucking sandbox ready for Henry since about the end of January. Apparently in years gone by when Eth was a kid Voight didn't get on that until around the Mother's Day weekend when he was getting the garden ready for flowers and vegetables for his wife – and would dump a fresh load of sand and get things cleaned up for Eth in the box as some sort of early birthday present. But the guy must've been sick of hearing about the fucking sandbox too – because he'd told the kid it'd been ready by the time they got back from the trip.

Fine. Only now Eth had been stressing that his dad was going to let Henry play in it before they got back. Not that you exactly played in the sandbox with Henry. You pretty much just kept him from eating the sand. But apparently Eth being there to "play" with him for the first sandbox day of the season was a necessity. Not that Jay thought that Voight would really honor that. If Olive and Henry were over tomorrow – which he was mostly sure they would be, unless Olive once again decided she didn't want to be in the house and had Voight go over to the condo instead, which seemed a bit like a 50-50 draw still – and the kid showed an interest in the sandbox, or Olive showed interest in letting the kid get into the sandbox and supervising what the kid put in his mouth – Jay really doubted Hank was going to tell them that they had to wait until Eth got home. They just wouldn't tell Ethan. And they didn't have to worry about Henry having a motor mouth or a filter like Eth just yet. Though, Jay got the sense they might. The kid's vocabulary just kept growing and even if it wasn't words, he just was constantly making sounds. It was both incredible and really fucking annoying.

He was glad they could usually hand the kid back to Olive after about a two to four hour period on the days they ended up playing aunt and uncle. So maybe that said something about where he was at with being ready for parenting. Or maybe it just said it was different when it was your kids. Or maybe he'd suck with babies but he thought he'd be pretty decent with them after they could actually form words. Or maybe when they hit like … Eth's age. Pre-teens, teens. Maybe.

As it was they'd pretty much reached a quiet agreement that they weren't going to play up tomorrow being Easter too much. They weren't going to fall into some sort of teary babble about Justin missing another holiday. Because, reality was the guy was going to miss any and all holidays that made up the rest of Eth's life and he just needed to get used to it. But still … first holidays, no matter how trivial they were before or how many you or the dead person might've missed in the past always carried new meaning and weight after the person was gone. Jay got that. And he knew that Eth's whole way of grappling with existence was clinging to traditions, routines and schedules. So the plan was to just … distract him. As much as they could. Not blow it up to more than it ever was for the kid before. And not to do anything that might trigger him too much on a missing his dad, missing his mom or missing his brother landslide.

But that was tomorrow. And this was tonight. So … let the kid go and take pictures of the fucking cars and look at the fucking balloon. And let him and Erin get a bit of time where they weren't playing … whatever the fuck they were to Eth. Jay still didn't really know. It just became more fucking unclear with him. But maybe it was better to not place a definition on it.

Erin raised an eyebrow at him as Eth finally was allowed to make his escape.

"He's going to be fine," Jay put flatly.

She made a little noise and looked at the leftovers of their small plates meal that their server still hadn't come to retrieve. Apparently he was used to people packing away more than they had. Where they'd pack it away – just to take it back to the suite with them and throw in the fridge.

"He didn't eat very much," Erin muttered.

"He ate fine," Jay nodded at her.

Because Eth had. It'd actually been a real fucking treat for them. For all of them. And if this was any kind of indication of the sort of service they were going to get at their meal at Galactic Night tomorrow – even if they weren't getting Voight's cooking for their Easter meal, they were still definitely going to eat well.

The Rebel Launch Hangar had forewarning of their arrival time and Eth's dietary needs and restrictions. Jock's didn't – and the place had gone near fucking shockingly above and beyond.

To start the guy seating them had just passed if they were going to want the bread service with their meal. Hearing "bread service" pretty much had prompted Jay to give out an automatic no – because it screamed fucking expensive. But Erin had passively added with a gesture at Eth, "He can't have bread."

And that had kind of been it. The guy had just gone, "Oh, do you have special dietary needs?"

Answer: "Yes, he can virtually nothing – unless you have lettuce or plain, grilled chicken breast." Not that was actually how they answered. Instead Erin had spouted off his list of most common and troublesome restriction – which usually eliminated near everything he could eat in any restaurant beyond the said lettuce, chicken breast and maybe brown rice.

But no, the guy had gone, "Oh, I'm pretty sure our bread service can accommodate that. I'll have A CHEF come out."

A fucking chef. And the guy had. And not only had he gone over the whole fucking menu with them, telling them what Eth could and couldn't have or what he could make adjustments to so Eth could have, he'd also offered to pretty much make Eth whatever he wanted within reason, if there wasn't anything on the menu he was interested in. And then the FUCKING CHEF had literally walked out their food to them when it was read – complete with fucking little spears indicating that it was an "allergy" meal. And had again gone over what WASN'T in the food and what WAS with them before they dug in.

So – yeah – they did get told they could have the bread service. And the last time Eth had had anything that had even remotely resembled bread? It'd been fucking ages. And as far as Jay was concerned, the kid had dug in. Though, he seemed way less interested in the weird flat bread they'd brought out for him than the various dips, salads and spreads they'd had accompanying it. But that was a pretty teenaged thing to do. The bread was just a fucking vehicle for the mustard and the hummus.

It was a fucking "small plate" service restaurant too – which was probably meant to sound less sophisticated than calling it a tapas bar but still screamed "overpriced" to Jay. But he'd sort of looked at it as paying for the atmosphere, which was pretty neat no matter how fucking tacky it was. Did feel like he was eating in an Indiana Jones' Museum with all the little artifacts and props from the movie and little discreet nodes to the characters and adventures from that trilogy (they would not speak of the fourth – and would pretend the fifth one was never going to exist). So maybe more accurately, it felt like they were dining in Indy's favorite watering hole. In fact, a dude costumed as Indy had come in at one point and sat at the bar in a complete Indy outfit - whip and all.

But it wasn't just the atmosphere they were paying for. The food had been decent and really the service to accommodate Eth had gone above and fucking beyond. They'd been able to order stuff that the kid hadn't been able to have in a while. And a nice variety of food too.

Their server had advised them to order one more plate than there were people. They probably should've known better than that with how Eth ate even on his better days. Especially when they had the bread service with their food and him and Erin were working at taking in some liquid calories too. But he supposed maybe they'd all gotten a little too excited about the fact that Eth could order near anything he wanted off the menu.

So they'd gone with four plates. These pork belly sliders on bread Eth could eat with coleslaw he could eat and bacon-chimichurri fries he could eat (of which Jay didn't think him or Erin had gotten more than a taste of because the kid had pretty much claimed that sampling as his own from first bite). A spicy shrimp, bacon, arugula, roast tomato, basil and pesto flatbread – that even though it'd been shared, Erin had definitely managed to put a nice dent in it on her own. This plate of brats, yeast-free bagels and pickles – which Eth had also quickly claimed all the pickles and at least managed to eat a bit of a sausage. And these seared tuna tacos that Jay had been perfectly happy to work through on his own when Eth again declared he didn't like fish he didn't catch on his own and Erin decided she liked her tuna more than their definition of seared. She could be fucking picky about her fish and how it was cooked and served too. He was pretty fucking sure the two of them had been spoiled and corrupted by a woman who had been obsessed with fish and a man who seemed at his most likeable when he was cooking for his family. Picky. Jay thought the fish tacos were at least in his Top 10.

Though, Eth did make a valid point that there was little competing with the Del Champos at the 12th St. Beach. But as a Chicago born-and-bred boy, Jay was opt to admit that there was little that compared to grabbing food at a little mom and pop beach stand and then going and chowing down on the rocks while staring on a Lake Michigan while the sunset. Not that he'd really kicked around the same part of the city that Eth was getting to grow up in. But hard to get through your childhood in Chicago without spending some time – and making some trouble – along the lakeshore somewhere. So he wasn't going to argue that Indy's Incan Tacos were better than that. Because they likely weren't. Because there you were paying for the experience too. On the cheap.

All the food had even tackier names "inspired by" the movies. Characters and place names. The drink names were even fucking tackier. Eth had gotten this non-alcoholic Cool-Headed Monkey served in a glass that pretty much looked like something out of the Temple Of Doom – and like it should've contained brains not watermelon, pineapple and lime juice. But the kid had seemed to like it enough and had done a good job at drinking it all up – which was good considering how much the themed drink had cost. Him and Erin got some sort of "Air Pirate Mule" (which was pretty much bourbon and ginger beer) and a pineapple cider. They'd shared them - and were mostly just checking out the options to be different. But Jay didn't think either of them had really loved them. At all.

They were making up for that now, though. They'd ordered a "flight" of beer of that had literally come out on a serving tray that looked like an old wooden propeller. They were taking it slow and just nursing the four servings between them in their taste test. They weren't in a big rush. And one of them still had to drive them back across the city to their hotel. So they were taking their time. But had apparently bored Eth. Which, again, wasn't anything Jay was too upset about – if it was giving them some time alone to enjoy their vacation.

But now Erin was still doing the fretting thing and staring at their leftovers.

"Did you get enough?" she finally asked.

"Yea," he allowed. "Lots. Have more, if you want."

She shook her head. "I'm full," she provided but gestured a little defeatedly at Eth's plate that he hadn't cleared. He'd claimed food – but his eyes had been bigger than his stomach. "He hardly ate anything."

Jay gave her a little noise and she met his eyes. "Erin, he ate fine," he pressed. "He ate well at lunch today. He had a bit at breakfast. He ate some snacks. And I think he did pretty good tonight."

Because he had picked at the food. He had tried nearly everything that had been put in front of them – even if only to have a bite. And that was pretty good for a kid who was a picky eater on top of a restricted diet – and who was on so many fucking medications that he likely spent most of his life nauseated, all when wrapped into the reality that he was back on chemo. So nausea and changed taste and lower appetite was pretty par for the course. And Erin knew that.

But she still made her own noise and sunk back into her side of the bench a bit, her eyes drifting beyond him. There was a little jut in the waterfront that she could see from her side where a band was playing. So they were getting a bit of a free show too. Such as it was. Though, he didn't think she was listening to it all that much right then.

"I might get Hank to say something to him," she muttered, gazing at the band.

Jay sighed a bit. They really didn't need to get Hank involved. To give the fucking impression that they couldn't handle this – when they could. And it wasn't nearly as much of an issue that Erin was making it to me. At all.

"We just ordered too much food," he offered. "You're feeling like he didn't eat enough because you looked at the prices on the menu. Don't. We knew eating out here was going to be expensive. We're eating most of our meals in our suite. We budgeted for this. We don't go out anymore. So just … enjoy it. Er, it's vacation."

"Yea …," she allowed and shook her head a bit, rotating to gaze into the indoor area of the restaurant. "Did you want to go sit inside?" she offered.

Jay gave his head its own little shake. "Spent enough time indoors today," he allowed.

Which was true. Most of the Space Center had been inside. And, they'd had some time to look around at the interior of the restaurant while they waited to be seated and he took his time browsing a bit while he went to the can anyway too. That was enough. He'd give that Disney and Universal sure seemed to have a fucking way at the themeing thing. They made it look just like you remembered from the movies. They hit all that nostalgia marks to stir up memories of your childhood. And part of him was sort of liking that. And another part of him wasn't.

Because it was making him think a lot about childhood. About his mom. And his grandfather. And Will. It was mostly making him think of the good times. But that always just seemed to make him think of the bad too. His life definitely hadn't been a fucking Disney movie.

But somehow … he didn't know. It was sort of nice to have some reminders of when him and Will did get along. Sort of. When they were still kids. When it still felt like he had an older brother. Or at least a brother who had his back in some way. Who was around and wanted him around. Who'd play with him and watch junk movies with him. And go on fucking adventures and fishing trips with him between the fighting and the wrestling and the typical sibling bickering and rivalry with Will being his father's son and Jay being his mother's. But then it'd gone to hell. Badly. Maybe teen years did that to him. Maybe it did it to a lot of siblings. Maybe that was just part of growing up. But Jay more felt like it was his father who did it to them. TO all of them. And that just always cast a shadow over even the happy moments he could find. The childhood memories that almost seemed normal – but just still weren't.

"I am going to move over here, though," he allowed and pulled himself out of the hard metal seat that looked like it was out of the 1940s to settle himself on the bench Erin had been occupying with Eth. He sunk back into the cushions in the corner next to her and joined her in the gaze across the water at the band. It seemed like a better thing to be listening to and thinking about than any of the thoughts he had running through his head.

She allowed him a thin smile at that and leaned into him a bit – actually accepting his presence in public in a very public way. A way they didn't even do that publicly in Chicago – because most places they did drink people knew them and even though everyone knew they were together, they still tried to keep up some level of decorum. But they weren't in Chicago right now. They weren't at Molly's. They were at Jock's. And he wrapped his arm around her shoulder as she handed him one of the beers to work on and she opt to taste test another while they just focused on the music for a bit.

"Think you're going to go see if you can get a poster signed by them? Know the perfect spot for it," he teased.

She made a mildly amused sound and arched her eyebrow, looking at him with complete fucking sass. "On that wall that's holding your fucking monstrosity of a television," she suggested.

"Oh," he allowed, giving her a smile and rolling his head against the back of the booth a bit, "I know you love my flatscreen."

"You're confused," she muttered and then added more directly, "again."

It earned her another smile. She could say she hated the TV as much as she wanted. He didn't really believe her. She thought it was maybe slightly excessively large. And maybe she had a point – slightly. But she still watched the thing. With him. Together.

They stared at the band and the water a bit more until Erin pushed herself away from him just slightly to reach the table and return the beer she'd been working on. He thought maybe she didn't like it – as there was quite a bit left. Or maybe she was just leaving a few mouthfuls for him to try. He was a bit more picky about his beer than her. Though, he knew it hadn't always been that way. For either of them.

"You OK if I try this one?" she asked of the black beer from Japan that had come out in the flight. Apparently Jock was quite cultured in his beer drinking travels.

He shrugged. "Yea …" Because that's pretty much how it was anymore. She shouldn't even have to ask. And, beyond that, she'd know that Japanese beer wasn't really his thing. Nor was beer any "black" beer that had hints of chocolate or coffee. Two things that he didn't think beer should taste like. At all.

She took a careful sip and seemed to consider it but kept it in hand as she settled back against him.

"How is it?" Jay asked.

"Hmm …," she did her Voight-nurtured grunt and offer the glass to him. But he shook his head. A grunt like that told him enough.

She took some more slow gulps as they just hung out. Something that usually felt like they didn't do much of. At least not in public. Maybe at home. But lately it really just felt like they were always busy and always moving. Or running to something. Or away from something. Clinging to business as a form of distraction. There was something to be said for slowing down. They needed that. Even if it was in fucking Orlando. At theme parks. With Eth. And as much as that counted as slowing down. At least it was a break from their daily lives.

"Hear we should likely go look for Indy memorabilia for Will tomorrow," she said finally and gave him a bit of a look. It was teasing.

He snorted some small amused, annoyance. He knew it was Eth who'd suggested this restaurant stop for dinner. Had given up his chance at TRex Café. And Jay appreciated that on multiple levels. But hadn't realized until she gave him that look that in informing her of that decision, Eth had gone and babbled information from about a 10-month-old conversation. He shouldn't be surprised. Eth and his fucking filter. Just when you thought he was getting better about it – he ended up opening his big mouth. Forget Eth's disabilities making it a challenge for him to get into CPD – it might ultimately be that fucking filter of his that kept him from getting the kind of security clearance he needed to ever work a job in some of the specialized units. Or with any kind of fucking intelligence.

"Sure," was all Jay allowed, though. Casually and with another swig at his own beer. "He'd likely like that."

Erin made her little noise that she did when he didn't take the bait and play the banter game. But she still settled a bit more against him.

"How come I don't get to hear stories like that?" she asked.

He shrugged a bit. "Don't know. Never came up."

"But it did with Eth?" she said with a touch of hurt.

Jay only shrugged again and took another swig. "We were over by that tree, cling," he allowed. "Fishing."

Erin gave a little nod, accepting the answer. But she was quiet for a bit. "You had an OK day, right?" she asked.

"Mmm …," he allowed around the rim of his glass as he brought it down from his mouth. "Yea."

"You were a little quiet," she provided, giving him another look. This one was more a direct examination of him.

He shook his head a bit and looked at the water with a little sigh. "No," he allowed. "I really enjoyed it. Guess … it just made me think a bit about … childhood."

"Your grandfather?" she put to him. "The cabin?"

He shrugged and met her eyes. "Yea," he allowed. "And my mom. And Will," he provided, gesturing at the Indy fantasy the were sitting in.

Erin gave him a little frown. "We could've eaten somewhere else."

He arched his eyebrow at her. "No," he intoned. "Are you kidding? This place is amazing. It's just … you know …?"

And she allowed her own little sound and nod. Because he knew she did. He knew she was thinking about the woman who'd actually done the hard work of raising her. Knew she was thinking a bit about Hank. And knew stuff about Justin. And Eth when he was littler. And just the family life she'd once had and likely was a lot more normal than it was now. So she got it.

Nostalgia had a way of bringing up good and bad. Theme parks didn't seem like exactly the happiest place on Earth for all the winning of hearts and minds propaganda they tried.

"What was your count today?" she asked after a heavy pause. Because maybe neither of them really wanted to go dwelling on the sadness too much. And this was a slightly more amusing game they'd been playing the past few days. Not that it was exactly a happy one either.

"Ah …," he thought about it for a moment. "Four ...?"

She looked up at him. "Five," she put to him.

He squinted at her. "Really?"

She nodded. "The woman in the gift shop," she said.

"Ah …," Jay allowed. He hadn't been over at the counter when Eth was paying for the mug for his dad. But he wasn't surprised any little old lady would assume that Eth was Erin's. Actually, at this point in the trip, it was pretty apparent that most people who looked at them just assumed they were Eth's parents.

"I think we're officially old," Erin muttered.

Jay let out his own grunt at that. "No," he allowed. "I think it officially means we look like we're in our thirties—"

"I'm not in my thirties," Erin grumbled.

"You're thirty," he cast her a look.

"That is not 'in my thirties'," she clarified, finding his eyes.

A grin spread across his face at the complete absurdity of that statement. "You're like two weeks away from being 'in your thirties'," he provided.

"Don't remind me," she said and shifted her eyes to the water. "You know how I feel about my birthday."

He gripped her a bit tighter at that. Because he did. And he knew Nadia was on the list of things she didn't much like talking about – and when she did it was usually teary. And involved too many layers of guilt to fully articulate. It was too much baggage.

"I thought your last birthday was pretty good," he offered.

She rubbed her cheek against his shoulder. "Until it got us into trouble …"

He set his chin against her head. "That wasn't trouble," he tried. "That was just life."

"Or just another loss of life," she said softly.

He sighed and shifted to find her eyes. She met them but then looked beyond him out at the water again. Because it was on the list of sad and depressing topics they likely didn't want to talk about on a vacation that they were trying to make the best of. To get away from the sad and depression realities that seemed to haunt their daily lives more than not.

"I was going to say that we look like we're in our thirties and Eth looks like he's like ten. So it's pretty acceptable that people would just assume he's ours," he tried, letting the topic shift slightly.

She made a quiet noise. "So now we're the parents who let their ten-year-old go wandering around Disney on his own?"

Jay shrugged and put his mouth back against her hair, smiling into it. "I think I'm OK with that when it means we don't have to endure the TRex Café gift shop with him."

That got an amused noise from her. "No kidding …," she allowed.

Not that it was likely going to entirely save them from it. Eth was so indecisive, Jay fully expected that he'd come back with a list of things he'd seen and want them to go into the store with him and tell him what he should get. In reality, it'd be them telling him not to spend his money on stupid-ass shit. And he'd probably concede they were right. And then they'd have the conversation again in the Lego store. And they'd likely have it on repeat again tomorrow at all the Star Wars gift shops. And again in Harry Potter World. Basically – they'd be having it every fucking day of the trip. They already were.

"We haven't really talked about it for a while …," he allowed after a long beat.

She glanced up a him. "About what?" Erin asked but he just gazed at her. She made a sound. "Jay, I don't want to talk about that. Not here. Not now. Any of it. Not my birthday. Not Nadia. Not the miscarriage."

"Not that," Jay said. "Trying …"

She squinted at him and sat up slightly, examining him. Weighing their surroundings. Measuring how serious he was about even broaching this – here, now. But he knew she must be … feeling it on some level. Here. Now. With the time of year. With all the families around them. With the way it made you think about your own childhood. With people thinking Eth was theirs. Just … all of it, wrapped up into the baggage they'd been carrying all year. The way it'd been growing and changing.

"We talked about it around Christmas … SWAT," she finally said, running her hand through her hair with that touch of nervousness to it. "January."

"I know," he allowed. "But, we haven't really since then. Not really."

She measured him more. "I thought … I thought … we'd decided to wait until after you transferred out."

He sight and sank into the booth's bench again, lulling his head against the back and running his hand up his forehead to his matted tough of bangs that really didn't need any product to sit up with the kind of humidity they were in and in the hat-head he knew he must be sporting that night. But she was right. That was pretty much where the last serious – last really real conversation – they'd had about had been left. Not that it hadn't come up again – and again – since then. But it was in passing. Fleeting. Not a sit down and have a heart-to-heart, life-planning conversation like they'd had four months ago.

"I guess I've been thinking a lot about that lately too," he said.

She leaned her shoulder against the booth and pulled her knee up onto the bench staring at him. Waiting on him to say more. He shifted his eyes to connect with eyes. And he could see – could feel – that they were actually really connected in that moment. Maybe more than they'd let themselves slow down and connect for in months … really.

"I … have been feeling like … it's getting close to being time for me to move on," he allowed.

"You don't have to do that," Erin said firmly.

"Yea …, I do," Jay said.

She sighed at him. "Jay," she put to him firmly, reaching and finding his hand. He accepted her grip. "I've told you. It's fine. I'm OK with waiting on getting the marriage licence. I'm OK on waiting a few years more to start a family."

He tilted his head, staring at her. "I love you."

She squeezed his hand tighter. "I know," she said. "I love you too. And that's … why … it's fine. I'm OK waiting."

He shook his head. "I know and part of me … I wanna stay. But … it's not even …," he sighed and shifted his eyes away from hers for a moment, giving the band and the water a brief glimpse before he found hers again – now even more concerned. "The … therapy … I've been going to." She allowed a little nod. Because she knew the deal too. She knew why he was doing it and then why he really needed it. And as much as Eth and rock-climbing was the convenient excuse for him to start that – it wasn't why he was there or why he needed it. "It's just … it's brought a lot of things up. This winter. And I don't like the person I was … back then. And then … some of the cases we've had the past few months … they've been hard for me."

"I know …," she allowed, squeezing his hand harder. He shifted, pulling his knee up on the bench too to face her more too.

"And sometimes … I just … I don't know what the fuck we're doing in Intelligence anymore. And … Antonio gone. And Al?" he shook his head. Because he didn't even know what to say about all that.

"I know …," she agreed quietly again.

"Just … more and more … I keep feeling like … maybe Intelligence is the best place for me anymore. Some days I just feel like … I shouldn't even be there right now."

She rubbed her thumb across the top of his hand. "Do you think SWAT would be better for you?" she asked gently.

He let out a long breath – from that anxious brick that was pressing against his chest. Maybe one that had been sitting there since February. Since his fucking undercover assignment. A he avoided getting in front of all this. Avoid dealing with how he was feeling. With really – truly – talking to her about it. With seeing if SWAT was even still an option. When he hadn't done much of anything beyond talk around it at therapy.

"I don't know," he finally allowed, shaking his head and looking at her. "I kind of feel like yea, it would. The planning, the organization, the precision of it. Practice, drills, weapon care. I'd be good at it."

"You would," she agreed. "But … would it be … too much like the Rangers? Triggering?"

"I …," he sighed. "I don't know. I that's something I need to go figure out. But … I don't think I'd know until I did it for a while."

"What's your therapist say?" Erin asked – directly but carefully.

He shook his head. "We've gone over pros and cons of it," he allowed. "But … I feel … like it'd be better for me than some of the … shit we're dealing with lately. That it'd be structure. Practiced routines. Muscle memory. Go in. Do the job. Leave."

"But would you really leave?" she pressed. And that was the underlying question. Because had he ever really left Afghanistan – even though he'd been home more than eight years.

"I think so …," he allowed. "Because … I've got reason to leave now." He squeezed her hand in his. "And … I see … I understand better now … what you've meant about Eth being a stabilizing force for you. That I've got … not just people's memories to honor and do right by now. That I've got reasons … really fucking good reasons … to be stable and healthy. To want to be a better man. And … that just … even not having kids yet … it's already got me … wanting to be that way for them. To be that way when they get here. But … I feel like I don't want to keep grappling with this and waiting another year or two years to even start trying to get to meet them. It makes me feel like … I should be making those changes now. Being that guy now. So … yea … I feel like maybe we should at least be talking about my transfer again and about SWAT again and about trying to have a baby again."

She gave him a thin little smile and held his hand tight, near crushing his knuckles in her small hand. But, "Yea, we should," she agreed.

And he felt like he got to take his first real, deep breath in months.

 **AUTHOR NOTE:**

 **OK. So I've got a ton of DMs and questions in comments/reviews lately.**

 **I don't have a ton of time to respond to all of them but I'll try for the short version of some of them.**

 **Yes. I still plan to continue this story. How fast that will actually happen and when, I don't know. I'll pick away at it. Honestly, it might sort of fizzle out over the coming months as I'm becoming less and less interested in CPD to the point that I'm not watching weekly anymore and have pretty much dropped Fire and Med and I haven't tried Justice yet. Basically, S4 has lost me. I might give it a chance in S5, because historically a lot of shows have a shitty S4. S5s are a bit of a shitstorm. Sometimes they're the best season of a series. And sometimes they're trying so hard to rectify the messes they'd made previously that it just gets even worse and even more unrealistic, out of the cannon and out of character. Given the whole "One Chicago" complicated, expositional, soap operatic mess we've been forced to watch "evolve", I don't have high hopes for S5 either.**

 **As for what's coming up:**

 **-I'll try to do a Wizarding World of Harry Potter chapter, as I feel it's important to complete the Florida arc.**

 **-I'd still like to do a Star Wars park chapter because I think it'd be fun but I don't really know how to structure it. So I'm not sure if that will happen.**

 **-I have a Hank/Al chapter set on the homefront while they rest in Florida that I plan on doing. It'd include some reference to Lexi.**

 **-I might do a Hank/Ethan chapter for basically just after they get home to do some reflection and rundown of other fun bits that I don't really feel like dedicating whole chapters to. And also to give some Hank thoughts and insight.**

 **-I'd like to do a Hank/Erin chapter that would be set after E17 — using some themes but NOT based on the storyline or character introduction they did in the episode.**

 **That brings us to the many questions I've had about E17.**

 **In brief my thoughts are … some of you might remember that I said that Jay and Erin would break up (or at least take a break) by the end of the season. Some of argued with me about that. But, sorry people … conflict is drama. It was a given. So that didn't exactly surprise me at all.**

 **As for them bringing in the ex and what it did for the character arc and development of Halstead … I think it's ridiculous. Both in terms of doing the break up/break of Erin/Halstead and in terms of the previously established backstory and character arc of Jay. I think there are LOTS of ways they could have accomplished that character develop (him dealing with his past, PTSD, revisiting his life in the Rangers and as a vet now) without having to have gone that completely out-of-character, out-of-storyline route that just makes CPD another primetime soap. And there is a GIANT list of ways they could've accomplished the break/break up without them having to have even include any beat in Jay's story or character arc. And if they did want that beat to be his — again, lots of other ways to have done it when you think about his PTSD and past.**

 **As for if I will be including E17 in my AU — no. I actually feel when we are talking thematically in terms of character arc and development — I've addressed a lot of Jay's past issues already. I might play with some of in terms of themes again and spin it into the story — but it'd be nothing shockingly new to my readers. Because — yes, Jay has PTSD; yes, Jay has trouble communicating; yes, Jay has a dark past and his own issues and baggage. This is all things we know and have dealt with in these stories before.**

 **In the above mentioned chapter with Erin/Hank (if/when I do it), it'd deal more with themes relating to that — baggage and communication in the context of a relationship and the implications of Jay not communicating well or shutting down when he often pushes Erin to be more of an open book and to get in front of things and can be very judgemental. So that will likely be as much as you'd see from E17 tricking in. And, again, I don't feel that's anything new at all for this AU and the character as depicted in these stories.**

 **As for if I've ever done a chapter from Ethan's POV — no. That has been purposeful. Will I ever do a chapter from Eth's POV? I don't know. Yes, I agree that it could be fun, interesting and insightful — but it would have to be a very specific kind of chapter dealing with a certain kind of theme and situation for it to write well. There have been chapters in the past where I've considered writing them from Eth's POV but ultimately didn't. And right now I'd have to really think about what sort of theme or situation I could place them in to have an effective scene. Writing children's/tween's thoughts and dialogue can be pretty challenging. Though, a lot of fun. But it has to be in really structured situations and placed well to work effectively.**

 **As for how many of the rides mentioned at Universal Islands of Adventure and Kennedy Space Center really exist … well most of that can be found online.**

 **Again, the short answer is — most of them do exist. Some of them don't exist at the park in Orlando but do exist at the one in Hollywood or the ones in Asia (apparently there are several over there). Or some of them previously existed at the park but have since closed.**

 **Very briefly … the triceratops attraction has closed in Orlando. The Discovery Center exists — it includes most of the attractions mentioned but not the Mr. DNA ride. The Flying Dinosaur rollercoaster exists in Asia and is apparently basically the Manta ride at SeaWorld in Orlando. The Canopy Copter kiddie rollercoaster exists under a different name in Orlando but is called Canopy Flyer or something somewhere in Asia but is a slightly different ride. The Camp Jurassic exists. The River Adventure exists. The Amber Mine Escape is the only one that does not exist, though there'd been talk about including it back in the height of Universal and Jurassic Park mayhem. Apparently. It's kind of like Big Thunder Mountain (I think that's what it's called … at Disney?). And, Indominus' Reign would be Kong's Reign. Which does exist. And actually was slated to be a Jurassic Park ride for years and years but then … for whatever reason they went with Kong.**

 **As far as I know everything I mentioned at Kennedy Space Center exists in some form. I think what I mentioned about Harry Potter so far exists. I've made some stuff up (and/or included old attractions or ones that are not yet open) in the mentions about their planned Disney/Star Wars day.**

 **I'll try to remember to give a rundown on what exists or doesn't exist if/when I do anymore Florida chapter — if I have time. Because apparently some people care? And they don't like Google as much as Jay?**

 **And, finally, I haven't watched this week's episode yet. And I don't read a lot of spoilers, so I don't know what's happening in next week's episode to have any opinion on it yet.**

 **Hopefully that hits on most of the points and provides some thoughts and insights.**

 **Again, thanks for your interest and your readership. Thoughts, comments, reviews and feedback on the chapters are always much appreciated.**


	23. Listening

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

Hank stooped a bit and gave E's fucking mutt's muzzle a light knock. The damn dog had been ignoring him from where he'd been sitting on the deck, giving him some whistles, stomps and barks of his own to try to get him to stop working on churning up the fucking garden he'd spent the better part of the weekend turning on his own. Didn't need the damn dog's help now – especially when it meant that the fucking thing would be wanting to get muddy paws all over his wife's hardwood when he didn't have the time now to be working on getting that mopped up.

Fucking dog was doing a real dog job at trying to test its boundaries with Magoo not around. Being a bit of a tween all in his own right. Sulky and moody and coming looking for attention with his main squeeze away. But also not listening to a fucking word you said and doing his damn best to ignore you every time you tried to lay down the hammer.

Apparently Bear thought he could really push the limits that evening since he was on the phone and had company. Mutt thought he wasn't watching. Or hadn't realized that the fucking phone was mobile and he could get off hi ass and go and kick his ass anytime he wanted.

"Get out of there," Voight pressed at him more firmly, Bear giving him a surprised look that he had actually come over. But he quickly darted away. All of fucking five feet until he bowed down and barked and did that little fucking hop of his. Clearly thought that now he'd earned a playmate out of his misbehavior.

"What?" Voight heard in his ear, though.

"Not you," he muttered, snapping again at Bear. "Go lay down," he ordered again and pointing up at the porch up with Al, who had long ago stopped paying attention to the show as Hank sat and grunted in half-listening to E motoring in his ear for the past fifteen minutes. "Your mutt is being a pain in the ass," he informed his son.

Another example of him being as bad as having another kid. And just like a kid, he was going to have to get him to spool down before the damn thing settled for the night. Probably have to take him for a walk to manage that when Al decided he was going to take leave. But didn't look like that would happen for a bit. But Hank got the sense that Al wasn't going home much these days at all. And he could understand that too.

But E apparently wasn't listening to him either. Or really didn't care much about hearing about his mutt that night. Bit of a change of pace seeing as so far on this trip he'd had to hold the damn phone up on FaceTime so Magoo could see his dog. And fucking talk to him. Fucking mutt had licked the screen of his phone. So apparently he appreciated getting to talk to his boy – even if Voight didn't much appreciate the stupidity of letting a dog talk on FaceTime or the clean-up of dog spit off his device.

Kid just started motoring again. Truth was he was going so fast and the background noise was so loud, that he wasn't even sure what E was on about. But at least he sounded like he was having a good time and a whole lot happier than he had been when they'd touched base in the morning.

Erin had called. Had thought it was just the kids checking in for a bit of a Happy Easter chat. Hadn't been that, though. Had got the first call of the day before E had even gotten handed his chocolate egg and baseball cards. Had gotten it when apparently E had gotten more than a little upset about realizing his hair was coming out again in the shower. It actually looked like it was more than a little coming out. That he'd gotten quite the bald spot and thinning going on by the time he was on the phone. But Voight had noticed it slowly thinning out for a while now. At least they got through three doses of the chemo before it reached this point. But that wasn't what E wanted to hear in the morning. Didn't want to be provided any fractured logic that it was likely the heat, the sun, the humidity, the amount of hours he had a hat on, the chlorine in the pools at the hotel and the likely much better water pressure in the hotel shower either that had accelerate the process.

It'd actually quickly turned into Ethan having a bit of a tear fest about whole other topics. J. His mom. Easter. Traditions. Not that they really had much in the way of Easter traditions in their household. But that hadn't stopped E with any other "holidays" since J had been gone either. Every fucking thing on the calendar turned into a watery-eyed rendition of how his brother wasn't there and was missing it. That was hard enough to deal with. Because Hank was feeling that too. Every fucking day. All the things his son was missing. And all the things his grandson was missing because of it. But harder was that Justin being gone had really seemed to drive home for Magoo that his mom was gone too in a very different and very real way than the kid had ever expressed before. Questions about Camille. Requests for stories and memories. Eth tossing out these little bits and pieces that he'd excavated out of his own head and asking for more. Wanting the picture to be rebuilt. It was forcing him to deal with the loss of his wife – and the impact it was having on his youngest's life – in a whole new way. And there were days it fucking stung that he was having to wade through all of that at the same time. Too many fucking losses for a lifetime.

That day, though, bit of a different dynamic. Because it wasn't just the waterworks about his brother or his mom. It was all this fucking anxiety his son had anymore and it pouring into fucking irrational fears about what "traditions" he was starting with H and Olive without him around. But E didn't need to get his shorts in a knot about it.

Because the other reality was that Olive might be back in the city and she might be letting him be a part of her and H's life. He was going to get to have a relationship with both of them. He already fucking did. He got to see his grandson at least once a week. Sometimes more. But it hadn't much changed that Olive still wasn't too comfortable around him – even though she was accepting and even asking for the help. And she was even less comfortable stepping into the house. She was OK with dropping Henry by but never really stuck around. If it was going to be a family get-together, she'd always suggest over at the condo or meeting up at a park or the community center or the open pool at E's rehab center or meeting up for a bite or a coffee at some dive – or worse some fucking joint with an indoor playground. But, he got the invite – he'd go when he could. Because this was all fucking baby steps. All fucking re-learning how to deal with his family. And his children – and grandchild. And the women in his life. And he couldn't fucking be a bull in a china shop about it anymore. Too many fucking landmines. And he couldn't risk having them all splayed across creation again.

So he had tried to set up something for Easter. Something a little more than had worked out. Had poked around for a bit of an invite over to the condo to be an early riser with Henry. Got the sense that Olive was one of these young moms who tried within her means to make things a bit of an event for H. Try to keep up with the Jones in some way. Had seen it a bit while they were on Base. Seeing it a bit again now with living in that fucking condo development with all the young professionals. A bit of an inferiority complex. Like she didn't quite fit in. Got the sense too that Olive felt that way about a lot of things. Hadn't seemed to quite fit in in her own family. Likely didn't feel like she quite fit in with them now. Likely felt a bit out of place in that condo and neighborhood. Maybe in her school and on her job. And just in the whole wide world. The city. Not so comfortable in her own skin. A bit of a misfit. But she could join the fucking club. Far as Hank was concerned that made her fit just fine.

But doing shit at the holidays for kids. Not really a keeping up with a Jones thing. Really was just a mom thing. Or a parent thing. When you could.

Remembered too that Cami had put on the plastic eggs with some fruit and crackers and cereal bit snacks for the kids when they were that little. A basket. Even if all the Bunny only ever brought was a chunk of chocolate and some kind of outdoor toy on the years they weren't living hand-to-mouth.

Figured Olive would likely at least be doing the same. Thought he might sort of like to be there to see H chasing after the eggs. Had real clear memories of both his boys as little guys running around the front room shocked by the goodies that had appears. J had been easy to please back then. Hard boiled eggs, grapes, strawberries, chopped up cantaloupe, cubes of cheese, some mini Ritz crackers and cheerios. That was all that needed to be in the damn things to be enough of a treat. To be exciting.

Still remembered the kids grabbing at the fucking eggs and scrambling over to him to help pop the stubborn plastic open when their grubby little hands couldn't manage it on their own. Would've liked to watch H do the same. Help out the same.

Because the other thing he remembered was that J had put up a real fuss that he'd opted not to drive down to Base for H's first Easter. Had decided that E needed him there at home more. That he wouldn't have been able to drag Magoo along with the fucking Robotics schedule he had last Easter weekend with it being earlier in the year and team having such a hot shot season with the big league tournaments happening over the break.

And, he knew going back in time – he still likely would've made that decision. It was the choice that made the most sense at the time. Felt it was where he was needed as a parent that weekend. But didn't change out that he'd missed his grandson's first Easter – words that J had repeatedly spit at him when he'd let his son know he wouldn't be coming. And what it really didn't change now was that he'd missed the only Easter he could've gotten to experience with his oldest boy and his grandson. And that fucking stung too. Nearly pushed him to his own misty eyes listening to E have his little breakdown that morning.

But Olive didn't seem too interested in him invading their space on Easter morning. Had sort of made it sound like she wasn't planning much with H still being so little. Or maybe just because holidays were a struggle for her.

Thing was Voight wasn't expecting much. He preferred these sorts of things not to be much. Because it wasn't about the activity or the baskets or the gifts or the food. It was just about getting time with the people you cared about. Spending the time with your family. Had always been important to him. But it was more important now. Needed to be there for them in a whole new way. Not just lip service.

So he'd floated the idea of taking her and H out for some brunch. Or to one of the community egg hunts. Let H run around a bit. But she'd again expressed that H was a little young for that. Voight didn't really agree. Knew his grandbaby was doing real well in his development. He was just blossoming. Real smart, energetic little boy. Hot-to-trot and right into his Terrible Twos early. Working at being the same sort of motor mouth as his Uncle Magoo. Was pretty sure he could've held his own at an egg hunt. Kid would've caught on. He caught onto most things pretty good. But he also knew that Olive turning down the offer to play chauffeur and pick up the check for a bit of a morning out didn't have much to do with H. Had to do with another holiday without her husband and friend. And her just not wanting to have to be stuck trying to make much chit-chat with him. Not that he tried to talk to her too much. Usually just listened. Asked some pertinent questions about how she and H were doing and any help she needed with his grandson or the bills. But didn't interrogate her. Because the last conversation he'd had with his son had been him getting told off for always making conversations some sort of interrogation. So he wouldn't do that with Olive or with H. Instead he tried to make it was comfortable as possible for Olive and that usually meant him just chatting at Henry while the little guy babbled at him with his ever growing vocabulary.

So he'd kept at it a bit. Maybe he badgered her too much. But he'd managed to wear her down. Got her to accept an invitation over for the afternoon. The promise of a meal and leftovers to take home. The sandbox ready for H so they could sit out back and not in the house. And the am invitation issued to Al and Meredith and Michelle – so that Olive wouldn't be stuck alone with him. And so Al and Meredith wouldn't be sitting in their own house of haunted memories all day either. That might've been the route Hank chose for his life – and grief – but he wasn't sure he'd advocate it for others. Knew that in a lot of ways staying in the home him and Camille built – that their kids had grown up in – hadn't been too good for any of them. But also couldn't imagine leaving.

She'd agreed to that option. Maybe someone reluctantly. And maybe just to get him to drop it. And she might've only stayed a couple hours and looked pretty awkward for the duration of the visit. But they all had. Good thing for Henry. They all basically just stared at him and let him handle the entertainment duties. He was good at that.

But hadn't let Magoo in on any of those Easter plans or realities. Wasn't what the kid needed to hear that morning. What he needed was some parenting by remote. Something that after E was home and fucking diagnosed with the M.S. that he'd internally decided he wasn't going to be doing anymore of. And as they got farther from the initial diagnosis but had waded a whole lot farther into treatment and trying to deal with the disease and the implications of chronic illness in an already brain damaged kid, he'd also come to accept that he'd be parenting Magoo for a good long time. That he was still wrapping his head around what adulthood and independence was going to look like for the kid. But, having managed to get two kids to adulthood – even if he hadn't gone his oldest boy too far into it – he'd come to really realize too that parenting didn't come with some sort of expiration date. Didn't matter the kid hit their eighteenth birthday or their twenty-first or even their twenty-fifth. They were still your kid. You were still their parent. And now with a daughter into her thirties, knew for sure at this point that parenting was a lifelong endeavor. So Magoo wasn't going to be too different then any other kid that way. But it was sure going to be a whole different dynamic in others, he suspected.

Even within all that, though, was important that he took the kid off the leash sometimes. That E got some independence. That he got to be as fucking "normal" as possible. So that was going to mean he was going to need to loosen the reigns some as he kept growing up. Let him test his boundaries and limits. Let him learn from his mistakes. Let him see what he and his mind and his body could manage. And was going to have to let him pay for it sometimes when he didn't listen to what his body and mind were telling him.

But that morning, he'd just focused on letting the kid cry it out a bit. And then helping him get his head back on straight. Reminding E that it was him who'd pushed to go on the trip now. Him who'd said he could handle it – and being away at Easter. And after he'd given him that reality check, he'd given the kid the fucking lecture again that they had to do near weekly still. That he needed to fucking listen to his body. That he needed to stop and rest. And with the blubbering and whining that he was getting in his ear, it was pretty clear that E had been pushing himself too hard on the trip. Which didn't surprise him one fucking bit. But apparently the kid still needed that pointed out to him. That he was overtired. That his body struggled in the summer – in heat and humidity – that that's exactly the kind of weather he'd found himself in. That he was dealing with a time difference. That he was on his feet and getting way more activity than he did most days. That he was two weeks out from a chemo dose. That he was eating different food than usual. That he wasn't in his usual daily or weekly routine. And he needed to listen to his body – and common sense – and fucking slow down. To take a fucking down day. To stay in the air conditioning. To take a nap. To cool off. To take his fucking pain meds and to take his fucking tremor meds and his fucking anxiety meds – and not worry about being spaced out of his head. To take the fucking zombie-like state and the induced sleep the combination created and crash out for the day. Rest up so he could enjoy the rest of the trip. And slow the fuck down so he could enjoy what he did get to do rather than running himself into the ground trying to do everything in the entire fucking state in a week.

Had seemed to listen. At least for a while. Had gotten another call later in the day – a thank you from both his kids for couple Easter treats he'd stowed off with each of them for the other. At that point they were still in the hotel room and E was a lot calmer. Erin had assured him that his talk with his son had gotten him to quit the fuss he was giving her and to take his meds. That they'd gone down to a barber shop and buzzed down the rest of boy's mother's locks and he'd stopped getting teary about his hair too. That he'd napped hard. That they'd had him down in the pool for a bit. And that they'd worked on some of his homework. And he was visibly tremoring less. But the kid was starting to get hyped up about tickets to some Star Wars thing Erin and Halstead had gotten him and it had sounded like it was going to be a late night. So, he'd laid down the law maybe a bit too harshly with Erin that she better be planning another day at the hotel after that. Because he sure as fuck wasn't going to have the time to be dealing with a teary kid in meltdown mode who was refusing to take his meds because he didn't want to be a zombie or stuck in bed for the day. Not with the whole work situation. Not now.

To say they were short-handed was likely a bit of a fucking understatement. Probably shouldn't have signed off on Burgess taking furlough. Her comp days. Telling her to take as much time as she needed. But also was the kind of thing you had to do. Family. It's everything. And he wanted his team to know they were supported in looking after the people they loved. That they needed to be allowed the flexibility to take care of things on the home front. Because it was when people couldn't do that that shit just started to spin out. If they had chaos at home – it was going to start showing up on the job. They'd be distracted. And if their heads weren't at work – then it made it a whole lot harder to make sure that all of his guys were getting home safe each night.

Better to give people some leeway with that. Really wished CPD was more supportive of its people on a whole with all of that. That the fucking Ivory Tower didn't go busting people's balls about doing shit to protect – to take care of – your people. To do what needed to be done. You gave so fucking much to the job and the city and the people in it. Made so many fucking scarifices. And your family had to make a whole lot of those right along with you. Without much fucking say. Least that could be done was making sure that its cops – their families – were supported when the shit hit the fan. When revenge and sacrifice and support was needed for the people – your flesh and blood and heart – that you took care of.

And if the Ivory Tower couldn't fucking manage that – then he'd at least do it for his own people. Within his means and abilities. Within the fucking rules he could bend. Boundaries he could push. Grey areas he could operate in. Because the young guys in his unit needed to know they could be fathers – and husbands. And the woman in his unit – they weren't going to be punished either for wanting to have a family of their own. For needing time to be mothers and wives and sisters and aunts. And when he took that time for himself and when he made expectations and found leeway for Erin – he wasn't going to play favorites now. Kim had more than earned her place in Intelligence. And had shown a lot of support for near everyone on the team who'd had their own little blips of family issues, trauma and drama that had needed to be dealt with. She deserved her chance to go and be that aunt and that sister to help pull her family through a rough spot.

Just meant that the week was going to be a bit tight. Been lucky so far. Sometimes Easter weekend in Chicago wasn't much more than a bloodbath. But seemed to have made it through without seeing too many headlines on the news or his phone ringing and dragging any of his team in. Few days of quiet never meant much, though. Could just as easily be balls to the wall come morning. With the kind of shit that got thrown at Intelligence anymore, could just as easily end up helping out with a Homicide or Special Victims case as running lead on their own investigation. Either way, with three people out for the work-week, he was going to have to get in at least one body to fill some of the gaps. Fucking hated that. Could only trust anyone so much when it came to their kind of work and didn't much need some hot shot thinking that a one-week stint in Intelligence meant they got to run off their mouth about the experience or that they were somehow a shoe-in for the next open spot.

Should've dealt with it already but didn't want to get the fucking Ivory Tower involved in the thing. Easier to just talk to Trudy on the way in and see who she could manage to shift upstairs from Patrol each day – or for the week. Might consider taking Garcia for the week if she could spare him. Thought he'd done enough that he could at least manage some paper pushing for the week. Maybe if he showed some gumption might consider letting him come out with them on a call. Though, that kid wasn't the fast on his feet and could still get a little flustered and intimidated at times. Still a little green. Maybe not quite hard enough to deal with some of the cases they got upstairs. But might've thought about the same thing about Burgess and she's blossomed well given the opportunity. Zach was a bright enough kid. Could likely contribute something to the team given the chance. So might see about that.

Other option was to get on the horn with Kenny after Al decided to take leave for the night, which didn't look like he was in too big of hurry to do. See where Rixton was at, though. Really wished that the guy hadn't fallen on a sword for Ruzek's sake. Adam had dug his own hole. Was up to him to work at pulling himself out of it. And should've had to do that for more than a couple weeks. That wasn't enough of a lesson for the kid. Though, it had seemed to be enough of a wake up call. Still, Hank wasn't too sure how he felt about having the politics of two fucking couples in his unit again. Too much bullshit. Too much distraction.

That was the other thing, though. He got the real sense that Halstead had about reached his turning point. Starting to feel like they were just counting the days until he put in his transfer papers. The spillover and managing home life and work life was getting too apparent for Voight's liking. And he didn't get the sense that that much proximity all the time – work and home – was doing much for Erin and Jay's relationship. Neither of their heads were there some days – not full-time. But Halstead just seemed more out of sorts about it all than Erin. She was doing the woman thing. Whatever was going on the home front a particular day or week was earning Halstead the cold shoulder regularly. Just wasn't sure how well they were working together on the job these days. Still getting the job done but didn't see them jiving quite as much. Halstead giving her too many pathetic puppy dog looks.

More than that, though. Wasn't entirely sure what was going on with the guy. But he'd seemed off for a few months. That U.C. assignment and the mandatory psyche eval had just thrown him off. And was seeing too many temper spikes and faraway looks in the guy since then too. Sort of looks that seemed like a bit more than bickering going on between husband-and-wife pulling his head out of the game. But whatever it was, at least on paper the guy had been cleared for duty.

Didn't know, though. Maybe it was just the natives getting restless. That the two of them were really ready to make the whole husband-wife thing official. And both of them were still suffering from some sort of anxiety about pulling the trigger and putting in their transfer papers. Cold feet.

Either way, if it wasn't Halstead handing in transfer papers in the near future, he was starting to measure where Al's head was at too. Guy was on a bit of his own destructive path. And, though he didn't think O would walk away from the job voluntarily, Voight was starting to worry that he might go off the kind of deep end that he might not have the kind of pull anymore to send in a fucking lifeboat. Wind had sure fucking changed directions lately. But he didn't want to see O drown. Wasn't sure what the guy would do if he didn't have the job. Really drown. Might really lose him then. Still, he was preparing himself for the possibility that it might be O who decided – or was forced – to take his leave from Intelligence.

For all his years of not giving people second chances – or so he claimed – he'd make an exception if Kenny decided he wanted to give the team another try. His fucking bullshit line to Ruzek about some sergeant looking to make him a No. 2 on some narcotic surveillance team. Overnights. OT. That was the exact kind of gig that Kenny had been trying to navigate out of. Rixton's surveillance and overnights and OT right now was on his little boy's life. Trying to get him right and back on track in the loss that family was going through. Thought that was a decent enough explanation for him stepping aside – even if he shouldn't have done it on Ruzek's behalf. But definitely didn't need to be painting some other picture for Adam then the reality of why he was freeing up the desk. Sometimes you were needed more at home and there was no shame in that.

But Voight knew the kind of man Rixton was too. Knew as much as he wanted and needed to be there for his son, that the guy wanted and needed the job just as much. For his own sanity and recovery. He'd had a couple months home with Colin. Not that that would be enough. Kid losing their mom is something you seemed to spend a lifetime trying to help them get through. But it might've been enough that Kenny was ready to at least clock in a week's work and top up the bank a bit again. Thought Colin was in the public school system too. So would likely just be coming out of a week of having the kid in his face 24/7. That was enough for most guys to want to get some time on the job. Didn't matter how much you loved your kids and liked hanging out with them. Sometimes you could only tolerate so much of them before you needed a fucking sanity break from being a house husband. So maybe the guy would jump at the opportunity even more. And might be a good second attempt for him to get his head screwed straight on if he wanted to sit at one of his desks if there was a slot coming up. Or even if he wanted to take a few weeks – or whatever – while Kim took her turn of managing the home front.

Worth putting in the call. Seeing what happened.

Until he got any of that in place, though, sure didn't want to have to be having twenty-minute-plus conversations with E in the middle of the day trying to play wet nurse from 1,200 miles away. So let the kid enjoy the night – but they sure as fuck better be taking it easy come morning.

E was definitely off the wall about whatever park they were at, though. Could tell he was over the moon about it. Was getting a call from in the actual park. Hadn't even got that when he was at Jurassic Park. Though, his phone had sure got bombarded with pictures. Maybe the kids thought calling him was OK since it wasn't a work day. Or maybe it was their way of trying to smooth out the day away given the teary phone call from the morning.

But after twenty minutes of Magoo hardly taking a breath in whatever the fuck he was talking about, Hank had about had enough. Couldn't get a word in edgewise. And was really only listening so much. Knew he'd be getting another full-scale rundown on the whole trip when the kid got home anyway. The gist that the kid was having a good time was more than enough for now.

He followed after Bear back over to the porch. Stopping to grab a couple of the sand toys that H had left in the grass rather than the box. Tossed them in and grabbed the cover of the box, pulling it over top. Keep the fucking neighborhood cats and raccoons out of the thing. All the while still listening to E run his mouth. Couldn't fathom there was this much to say about a fucking amusement park. But apparently it was boggling the kid's mind.

Hank grunted when he finally got asked a question and a chance to say anything. "Yea, got the picture of that thing."

"And awesome, right?" E sputtered at him. "They're right outside the ride. In like Endor's forest. Like the Ewok treehouses, Dad!"

Hank just grunted again. Whatever the fuck any of that meant.

"Listen, Magoo, I've still got your Uncle Al here, so we're going to have to wrap this up," he told his son – seeing as he was finally getting the opportunity to speak.

"OK," E allowed. "But I'll call you after—"

"Ethan," Hank put firmly, "you're getting back to the hotel late. I've got work in the morning and you've got to sleep."

"But—"

"E," he pressed, giving Al a look and shaking his head a bit as he came up the couple steps and settled back into a chair at the patio table. "We'll touch base again tomorrow night."

His kid sighed a little into his ear. "Yea, OK …," he muttered.

"Yea, OK," Hank put right back at him in a small mimic. "Love you, Kiddo. Behave for your sister."

"Yea," he allowed. "You too."

And that was it. As quickly as he'd been talking he'd hung up on him. He gave Al another little glance. Guy had been sitting there rolling a couple joints for the better part of twenty minutes. Still was. Apparently he wasn't as proficient at it was he had been back in the day or was real fucking picky about how he wanted the things. Or he was just drawing out the process in an effort to get some sort of comment and to start some sort of argument. Seemed like they were having a lot of those little blips these days too. But that happened with old friends who might as well be family. Especially given the kind of crap they were all wading through.

"He talked your ear off," Alvin put flatly – not even looking at him.

"Yea," Hank allowed, giving his face a small scrub and reaching for his whiskey. Needed a sip of that at that point. "Having the time of his life."

"Erin and Jay enjoying their time with Mickey too?" O managed.

Voight grunted. "Not exactly getting a bed-in," he provided.

Definitely wasn't that. Likely not too much of a vacation for Erin and Halstead. But was a change of scenery and definitely got the sense the two of them needed that. Though, likely would've enjoyed that change of scenery coming without Magoo in tow. But they'd brought that upon themselves. And he was kind of glad they had. E had needed something to distract him and to direct him a bit. If Erin hadn't come up with this not-so-fucking-little trip idea back in the fall and directed some of his boy's time and energy and focus into that, Hank wasn't too sure where they'd be right now. Besides, having E on-site meant he didn't need to think about two of his detective having any sort of bed-in anyway. Too much of that fucking going on in his bullpen. Didn't need to get any sort of more information on that when part of the equation was his daughter.

But didn't need to get into that. Didn't get the sense Al much wanted to hear about his kids. But also didn't think their sit and not say much was working too well either. Just didn't know what the hell they were supposed to talk about anymore. Think he'd know what to say the guy. Just didn't. Not sure this was the sort of thing you ever knew what to say about it. Not sure it was the kind of thing there was ever much to say about. Nothing that was of much use anyway.

So instead, all Voight allowed was, "Don't think Mickey is on the agenda. At some Star Wars park tonight."

Al gave him a glance then looked back to his work. "That's open?"

Hank shrugged and took another sip of his drink. "Apparently."

"Thought that park wasn't going to open its gates for a couple more years," he muttered and allowed him another little look. "Michelle's mentioned it."

Hank grunted again and shrugged again. That about the first time he'd mentioned Michelle that evening. Kid hadn't come over. But didn't think Meredith and Michelle had reached the point they could be in the same space yet. Actually didn't even get the sense the girl's name got mentioned around Meredith at all. And didn't know how that was going to work out in the long run. Bigger mind fuck for that poor girl. Good one on Al too.

Another thing there wasn't much to say about, though. Not if he didn't want to get into it with Al. Or for him to just up and walk away. Seemed to be his solution to most arguments – and even just plain ol'conversations – these days. But also could tell real good that O wasn't doing so well on his own these days. That was written all over him. So wasn't going to do anything to encourage his departure too quick. Even if that meant he was having to bite his tongue hard about him getting ready to get lit on his porch.

"Don't know. Just know they're definitely at some Star Wars thing," was all he said.

Al made a small sound.

"Want me to call them back? Michelle want a tshirt or something?" he asked.

"Not unless it's ironically retro," Al said. "Whatever the fuck that means."

Hank allowed an amused noise. E had spouted some similar line about his tshirts. He didn't know what the fuck it meant either. Other than more reason he co-opted most of E's shopping trips out to Erin.

She at least seemed to have some sense of what kids kind of wore these days. Not that her fashion sense was still putting E anywhere on par with what kids at Ignatius wore in on civies days. But all the more reason to send his son to a uniformed school. At least that way he only had to try to get his wardrobe to fucking fit in once a month.

Al seemed content with how he'd finally got his joint rolled and stuck it in his mouth. Went digging in his pocket for a light.

Voight eyed him. "Really going to do that at my house?" Couldn't stop himself.

O cast him a look. "Unless you've got some of the good stuff inside."

Hank shrugged. "Got the CBD oil," he muttered.

The joint hung from the corner of his mouth as he considered that. Then he hung his head over the back of his chair a bit. "Worried old Mrs. Do-Flicker is going to call the cops?"

Hank made an amused sound at that accusation of his busy-body of a neighbor across the street. "Think she's used to having to report catching a waft of pot from over here at this point. She still hasn't come to grips with not being able to call up Cami about it. Know us cops are useless, right?"

O gave his own little nod at that and really did light up, sucking it in real good before offering the joint to him. Hank just grunted his disapproval with a shake of his head. But Al didn't seem too upset about return the thing back to his mouth for a longer toke.

"Camille would've been way scarier than Patrol," Al allowed.

That got a grunt and a small smile out of Al. Cami was always good at holding her own. She could be real scary. Good at the lectures. And the looks. Put some good fear of the Lord into them. Until he got home. Tossed their rooms, emptied their backpacks. Dinged their allowances and grounded them real good.

"Another one of her specialties …," he muttered. Just like the pork roast he'd done up for dinner. Tried hard there but didn't matter how he tried to match what Cami did or the different temperatures and cooking times he tried, could never get the meat quite like her. Didn't know what he did wrong. Other than the pork roast … pot roast, prime rib … all of that … she just knew how to do it better. Things on a long list of what she did better than him – and not just in the kitchen.

"How's the CBD oil?" O asked, taking his tokes pretty slow.

Hank shrugged. "Don't know. Haven't tried it."

Al gave him a look – had his own disapproval. Likely thought he was getting judged. And he was. But who was Voight to fucking judge. They all dealt with grief their own ways. Supposed this was slightly better than him falling into the bottom of a bottle.

"How's the CBD oil working for Ethan?" he rephrased bluntly.

Hank just grunted and sunk back into his own chair, twisting the glass in his hand. "Haven't had it long," he allowed and made a dismissive gesture. "Got pushed on us with the frequency of the cytoxan. The medical trial."

"And?" O pressed.

Hank gave him a small glance from staring into his glass. Al usually didn't ask or say too much about E's illness. Voight mostly liked it that way. And didn't. Not like he had many people to talk to about it. But it was on the list of things he didn't know what to say much about. Private, family matter anyway.

So he just shrugged. "Knocks him out real good," he allowed. "Seems to do a decent job with the pain and the nausea. Not sure it's doing much for his appetite or tremors. But it's got quite the hangover. Don't like giving it to him on school nights. Fucking Walking Dead even after sleeping it off. Really just giving it to him the few days around the chemo so far."

"Must think he's the big shot," Al muttered. "Docs and dad giving him pot."

"CBD," Voight corrected flatly. Different. Though, the oil did have THC in it, he'd agreed to try with his little boy only if they were getting oil and only if it was the lowest amount of THC available. "And he doesn't know he's taking it. Thinks I've royally fucked up some salad dressing and stir-fries."

O allowed a real small amused sound at that. Not much more than letting out a breath. But that's about all you got with Al. "Can't tell by the taste?"

Hank grunted and shrugged. "His sense of taste has been real screwed up since all this started. Says lots of things taste different. Complains about metallic tastes a lot too. Don't know."

O just gave a sound of acknowledgement and went back to taking his tokes.

"Really want to go home to your wife reeking of that shit?" Voight put to him.

Al just breathed in – real good. "Think I should go home smelling like your whiskey instead?"

"Thought I got a real nice bottle of chardonnay for you," he put back to him.

"Don't think the in-laws taught you shit about good Italian wine," Al provided.

Voight grunted at that and took a sip of his drink. "Least I got you a bottle and not a box."

Most of the bottle had been finished off with dinner anyway. But had sort of hoped that might be where they'd all stopped beyond a night cap before he shoved Al's ass back toward his family.

"Hope you aren't planning on firing a weapon the next while," he said instead.

That got a real look. But there was truth to it. Al wanted to work on being a drunk or abusing some prescription pills – could likely fudge any paper work that came up out of them just doing their jobs. But pot – piss test order or random – harder to come up with a fucking excuse for that without Al taking a tap on his wrist and than some. Didn't need the extra attention these days. Ivory Tower was always looking for fucking excuses.

"How about I worry about my own piss and you piss off," Al said.

Voight smacked at him. But wasn't his nanny. Not his mother or his wife either. O was a big boy. Been doing the job a long time. Knew his own way around shit. Had his own pulls to get through any shit that came up. Just didn't think Al needed anymore shit these days.

"Appreciated you and Meredith coming by," he said instead, though. Because not worth getting into.

Al leaned back in his chair. "Needed a break from the house."

Voight grunted. "Gets quiet," he acknowledged.

Felt for Meredith being alone in their place. Knew she had a whole lot of reasons for still keeping Al out. For not wanting Michelle in there. Knew that it was hard to give up the place you raised your kids. Where you were a family. But also knew how much a house could become this fucking haunted museum. As comforting as that could be, also just tore you apart more.

Had nearly forgotten how quiet the house could get without the kids in it. Or maybe he just hadn't completely realized how much life E had brought back into the home with getting him home. As much of a fucking pain in the ass he was, the kid real … lit up the place. Made it feel like a home again. Give him reason to go home. Needed that.

Wouldn't say that he was liking how quiet the house had felt again the past few days. At all. Actually was almost glad in a way he'd ended up real short-handed in the bullpen. Give him a lot of reason to be busting his hump and putting in long hours. Keep himself out of setting in that place alone too much. Knew that being there would just get him thinking on J and on Camille. And knew that a lot of it wouldn't be the good stuff. It'd be focusing on all the ways things had gone wrong. What he'd done wrong. Things he hadn't fixed then and sure couldn't fix now.

Knew too it was different with Meredith. And Al. Lost their only. Situation with Michelle was just complicated. Those wounds hadn't healed yet. Things hadn't been forgiven. Meredith hadn't tried to get to know the girl yet. Didn't seem to have any interest in being any even small part in her life. Now that was likely just going to translate into a whole lot more dislike – directed at that poor kid and placed on Al too. Even more reason to not let her sit in that place too long or too much. But at least her and Al were sort of talking even if it was all fucking complicated and fucked up. But what relationship or family wasn't. Hadn't met one yet.

"Funny seeing Henry in the yard," Al allowed staring across the space. "Remember when it was Ethan. Lexi."

Voight allowed a grunt and a little nod. Had been enough cookouts that Al and Meredith had been over a lot in better times. Different times. Didn't have as big of house or nice of yard as they had but they still came by.

"Turning into a bit of a spitting image of Justin," Al muttered.

Hank grunted again. Funny was that when H had come out had looked like he'd taken a lot after his mom. But kids change a lot in those first few weeks and months – and that first year. Pushing two now and could definitely see that Voight genetics in the kid. Both in appearance and personality.

"Can see Olive in his nose and eyes," he allowed. Because he didn't want her to go through raising her child feeling like she couldn't see herself and was just looking at Justin. Hank knew how that was. And it could be fucking hard. Sometimes you needed some reminding to see yourself – and to see the child for who and what they were – and not just your loss. So he took it on himself to remind her. And to remind others. Because the poor girl didn't need people to be constantly telling her how much H looked like his dad. She knew. Still, he allowed, "Erin's always spouting off the kid's got Cami's complexion and my build. So guess we got to be thankful that at least he got some of his mom' features."

Al made a small sound of acknowledgement. "What's going on with her?" he asked flatly. Didn't know there was a lot of interest in that tone. But, already knew that talking about his kids – his living kids – wasn't exactly something he wanted to talk about. But supposed the other options were work or to just sit there. Not sure that either of them really wanted the silence either. Another reason Hank was grateful for E. As much as the kid lacked a filter sometimes any noise and conversation was better than the fucking quiet. "Still haven't gotten my wedding invite."

Voight just grunted. Because didn't know what to say to that. Didn't really want to wade too far into it. Two of them were pretty much living as man and wife. Prefer they'd make it official but got what the stalling points were. Wasn't really in a position in his and Erin's relationship where he could say much about it. They'd actually just recently reached the point that him and Erin had had a couple real discussions outside of therapy and outside of work where he'd actually been given some leeway to talk to her as a father again. To treat her like a daughter.

And in that, he knew that both her and Jay were struggling a little bit in trying to figure out how to do the man and wife thing before they were even doing the man and wife thing. They both seemed clueless about how to manage a long-term relationship. But who fucking wasn't. It was a whole lot of trial and error. And reality was with the kind of year they'd had, their heads would be spinning. Lots of conflict and confusion and emotions. That's a lot to deal with for anyone. A lot to try to wade through when they both had their own fucking pasts. Both had their own ways of dealing with things. Or not dealing with things.

And didn't get the sense that Jay was much of a chatter. Not that Erin was either. But different with men. Jay was the real private sort. But could tell there was a lot going on under there. Wore that on his sleeve pretty good.

The two of them had definitely had some blips over the winter. Struggling a bit. That was normal for couples. Made him glad, though, they'd taken the vacation too. Might not be the ideal vacation but just some time away and a change of scenery could count for a lot. Change of routine. Hopefully it'd get them synced up a bit better. Both at home and at work.

Another topic he wasn't going to get into, though. Just provided, "Don't know you'll get one. Last I heard the plan was just to go get the marriage license."

Al gave him a look. One that only a father could give. One that said you just wanted your daughter to be happy. But you also wanted your girl's wedding day to be marked by a bit more than that. One that said that he knew that stung a bit. Maybe more than a bit. But Voight wasn't going to say anything about not getting to see his daughter's wedding when Al really wouldn't ever be getting to see Lexi's.

"Gave you the big invite to E's Confirmation," he provided flatly as some sort of consolation prize.

O gazed at his slow burning blunt. "Meredith seems to think I'm not supposed to be his sponsor. Because I'm his godparent?"

Hank shrugged. "All for show anyway," he said.

That earned a toke. "That makes me feel real special."

Hank grunted. "Still appreciate you standing up there with him."

Al shrugged. "I suppose to get him anything for this?"

"Nah," Hank said. "Don't have to do that."

"Meredith seems to think convention dictates, I should," he added, holding some smoke in his lungs. "What's his Confirmation name?"

"Andrew," Voight put flatly.

"The patron saint of fishermen," Al muttered. "Appropriate."

He grunted. It was. E was a real boy of summer. And still his mother's son. With the mild winter they'd had, Magoo hadn't ever really stopped talking about fishing and baseball. Been counting the days until ball season and fishing and camping season officially started. Would be real hot to trot about it all when he got back. Itching to get through the couple weeks until ball started up and if this kind of spring weather kept up, likely wasn't going to be able to put him off until Father's Day to take him on the first fishing trip of the season either.

"He wanted Jude," Hank said, though.

Al gave a little nod. "Hopeless cases," he said, staring across the yard.

"Didn't think he needed that on a pendant around his neck too," Voight said. Kid carried that outlook too much in his heart and mind as it was. Didn't need the label literally hanging off him. Was busting his ass trying to convince E that it wasn't a label he should be placing on himself – or letting anyone else place on him – as it was.

"That what you getting him?" Al cast him a glance.

Voight gaze his face a little shrug. "Don't know," he said. "Damn thing's – Pentecost – landed on his birthday weekend."

"Noticed that," O allowed. "You doing a thing again?"

He grunted and shock his head. "Friend situation is still about the same as last year."

Al made a little noise and a small nod.

"Ignatius is having a reception after," he allowed. "Likely should make an appearance. For appearances. But can just have you and Meredith … Michelle … back here after. Likely let E have his couple buddies over. Throw something on the grill."

O nodded and gazed at the barbecue. A little long in the tooth but still worked. And sitting out on that back porch, in his mom's swing, helping out with the grilling, tossing his ball around, hopping on his decrepit bike that he still managed to fit on and keep his balance enough to tear up to the park to grab some time in one of the diamonds – that was still Magoo's idea of a real good time. Had been all he wanted last year. Would accommodate it this year. Keep it simple. Not try to make it bigger or more complicated than it needed to be. Truth was the kid would be happy to have Evalyn and Evan show up. To have his Uncle Al and Meredith there. To have his sister and Jay. Olive and H. Maybe Halstead's brother. Michelle if she decided – or was allowed – to come. Be more than enough for with how E rolled. Easy going kid. But at least it made him easy in some ways. And maybe they all fucking needed that.

"So fishing gear …" Al muttered.

"Sure," Voight allowed. "He'd like that. But really don't have to get him anything. You doing this for him, gift enough."

Al got real quiet. Just sat that. His roach was burning down. "You know, sometimes I look at Ethan now and think maybe it's better. Lexi."

Hank glared at the side of his head. Guy didn't look at him. But he smacked hard anyway. "Think maybe you've smoked a bit too much if you're going to say something like that to me."

Al just brushed at some of the ashes that fall on his knee. "Just mean that if she'd pulled through, she wouldn't have had … a normal life."

Hank smacked again and stared at him. Hard. But Al just worked at snuffing out the last bite of the roach into the arm of the chair.

"You trying to get me to make you feel better by agreeing with you? By fucking saying that raising my boy is so fucking awful that it would've been better – or easier – if he'd died?" Voight rasped at him. O didn't even look at him. Just kept working at that roach. "Not going to say that, O. You want me to say that I've got guilt about what happened to E? Or to Camille? Or to J? I will. I'll tell you that. Want me to say that it fucking hurts me to see all this shit my little boy has had to go through and all the time he's been in the hospital and some of the fucking things those doctors have had to do to him to get him through and to keep him going and alive? Sure. Fine. I'll tell you that. It fucking kills me as a father that my son is having to go through that. You want me to say that I worry about his future and what kind of life he'll have? Yeah. I do, Al. But he's my son. And I'm his father. And no matter how much any of it fucking hurts or how much worry it creates or how much guilt and strife and sleepless nights dealing with it all creates – there has never been a fucking day where I've thought it would be better if my child died. Just like it's not fucking better or easier on you that you lost Lexi. And just like if Lexi had pulled through, you would've gone through the hurt and the worry and the guilt and the strife and the fucking sleeplessness nights to make it better and easier for her. TO fucking figure out how to make it as normal as possible for her. And to get her through. Because you're her father. And she's your child. End of fucking story."

O just kept tapping the end of the roach on the armrest. Staring at it. And the fucking black streaks it was leaving.

"I didn't come to the hospital enough for you, did I," he said flatly after a long gap. "You came in for Lexi and when Justin—"

"Al, don't do that to yourself," Hank shook his head. "You've got enough to deal with. You don't need to take other shit on. Shit I haven't even thought about."

"You came in for Lexi and –"

"Alvin," Hank put to him directly, "I'm used to hospitals. I'm used to bad situations in hospitals. A lot of people aren't—"

"That's just it, isn't it," O muttered. "I didn't go in at all for you. For Erin. With Justin. And Ethan back when …" he trailed off and shook his head letting out a slow breath. "And now, you've got him at Med all the time."

"Al, you came in for Ethan. You were one of the first people there, OK? You didn't need to keep coming back. I didn't expect you to. What the hell were you supposed to do? Or say? He's laying there in pieces in a coma. I didn't want people there. And now? He's not on his death bed. He has a lot of appointments. That's just the way it is. Way it's going to be. Your in his life outside of the hospital. He doesn't need you standing at his bedside. He doesn't want that. I don't either. Because outside the hospital – that's the normal life we're trying for."

"How's that working?" Al put flatly.

Hank made a sound and gulped down the mouthful that was left of his whiskey. "It's not. But we keep fucking trying."

He pocketed what was left of the roach and stared across the yard again. "It doesn't get better, does it?"

Hank shrugged and gazed at his melting ice. "It doesn't get better but it does get different. You've just got to give it time. And you've got to remember that you've still got Meredith."

"I don't know about that," he muttered.

"Al, she was here tonight. She just needs time too. And Michelle—"

He made a noise. "That's not going to work."

"Alvin, she's your child. You'll make it work."

He shook his head. "Meredith … I can't make it work with them both."

"Meredith just needs time," Hank pressed. "They both do. They need a chance to process what happened and to have the opportunity to get to know each other."

"That's not going to happen," he put flatly.

"Then as a father and a husband – as a man, Alvin – you'll figure out how the fuck to make that happen. Because you will regret if you let what happen mean you lost both of your daughters."

"She's not Meredith's daughter," he mumbled.

"She's yours," Hank said.

"And maybe that's what caused—"

"I am going to stop you there, because now you are just talking bullshit again," Voight graveled, nodding at him. "You did not cause this. Lexi does not blame you. And you will save yourself a whole lot of pain if you work at getting your head around that now."

Al let out a slow breath and went back to staring across the little patch of lawn.

"Michelle's a good kid," Hank tried. "And if you just give this some time I think—"

"Don't," he said shaking his head and shooting him a look. "Don't go comparing this to you. To Camille. To Erin. It's not …" he trailed off, stopping himself from whatever he was going to say and just went back to that blank look he had on his face anymore. The far off stare. Hank knew it. But also knew it didn't hide much below the surface. If anything it was a dead giveaway of the level of pain and turmoil going on inside.

He nodded, though. "OK," he allowed. "But—"

"She doesn't want to be around me right now either," Al muttered.

"Then keep checking in," he said. "Even when she doesn't want to. Let her know you're there and watching out for her. That you still care."

"Be where?" he muttered. "Meredith doesn't want me staying at the house. She doesn't want Michelle in the house. I go back to the apartment and Michelle's … at Leo's. Comes in at all hours. Or not at all. She's fucking going to like end up pregnant. Or back in juvie. Or both."

"Al, she's likely just real fucking confused right now. She knows you're hurting bad. She knows you lost the daughter you raised since birth. She's likely feeling a bit like chopped liver. Doing some regression. You've just got to … be there. Go pick her up after school. Go drag her home from Leo's. Keep being a father. She's still your daughter."

He just made a sound.

"Look," Hank shook his head. "Olive … you know she left after. Took her about four months before she started forming sentences with me again. Erin – five before she so much as looked me in the eyes. Just been the last month or two we've started having some real conversations. E treats me like his best buddy one minute and is in an all out fit at me the next. He's all over the fucking map. And, Cami – six … seven … years and … " he sighed. "And J … he never really got over that loss. He still didn't know how to … talk to me. Maybe I didn't know how to fucking talk to him about any of it either. Too much guilt and blame. And it's no one's fucking fault. Not yours. Not your family's. And the person who did this … you did the best—"

"I should've done more," Al said. "You should've let me do what—"

"I couldn't, Alvin," Voight spat at him and stared at him until he met his eyes. "It was forty families. Not one. 'Tonio was standing right there. We were in the fucking District. You – me – we all did the best we could with the situation. To get Lexi – to get all those kids – as much justice as we could."

"And what justice was that?" O said. "A little show. Some pomp and ceremony. And what did that accomplish? For anyone?"

"You think you'd be sleeping any better if that kid was at the bottom of the lake?" Voight put to him.

"I think he would've gotten what he deserved," O said.

"But you wouldn't have, Al," he put to him. "Because then you'd be carrying even more than you already are for the rest of your life. And you don't deserve that."

Al stared at him for a long beat. Long enough – after years of knowing each other long enough – that Voight could see the flicker in his eyes. But then he looked away.

"These things. They change us, Alvin. They change our relationships. You've got to give it time. You got to … focus on the blessings you got. Cling to them more than you ever did before. That's how it's going to get any better. And, trust me on this one, you've still got blessings in your life. You've got to just keep working at it. Seeing it. Listening to them. "

And listening and listening and listening. For the rest of your fucking life.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: For anyone that missed it, I posted a chapter in Aftermath late last week.**

 **Your readership, comments, reviews and feedback are appreciated.**


	24. Fathers, Sons and Brothers

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

 **THIS CHAPTER IS PART 1 OF THEIR NIGHT AT THE STAR WARS EVENT AT THE DISNEY PARK.**

"Sorry," Erin said muttered with a small sigh, as she leaned forward to try to dislodge Ethan's crutches from how he'd draped them across the seat in front of them on the parking lot tram. They were more than a little blocking the path of the couple that was likely in their 60s and clearly looked ready to just sit down and get back to their car too.

Not that she blamed them. It'd been a long day. Or night. And for all the grandparent-types she'd been seeing in the parks either with their extended family or wandering on their own, she really couldn't imagine wanting to endure the crowds, rides and weather at that age. Though, this couple looked like they were right into the experience. They were decked out in their Star Wars gears and kind of looked like the type who'd been watching and loving the movies since the first time they'd seen them back in 1977. Erin almost wanted to imagine – by the looks of them - that they probably saw the thing together as a young couple. Maybe a first date or early in their courtship or marriage. A big night out. But something about their matching geeky attire and their quiet togetherness seemed to scream they were a long-time and still happy couple. Though, they were clearly alone. At least that night. Maybe they hadn't had kids. Couldn't have them. Or maybe they just hadn't wanted them. Or maybe this was a solo trip without the kids or grandkids – reliving the good ol'days of their nerdom. A later in life getaway and another big night out. Or maybe it'd just been too much of a big night out. That they did have their families there with them. But that their grandkids were far too young to have made it right through the Galactic Night and their parents had had the good sense to retire early and take them back to their respective hotels.

Her and Jay hadn't had that good sense. But she supposed that Eth wasn't a little boy – even if he and his sickly body were more used to a 9:30 or 10 p.m. bedtime than it was the pushing 2 a.m. night they were going for to even get to their rental car, let alone driven back to their own resort and have him tucked into bed. She knew they were going to pay for that the next day … or later that day at that point. But she supposed the whole point of the day … the night … was to make the most of it.

She just didn't think her or Jay had really realized that when they'd advertised the Galactic Night ending at midnight, that what they'd actually meant was that the rides went to midnight. And it was only then that they hosted the night-time show – and the fireworks, which had been pretty much a driving reason for them to do the Star Wars evening. And that before they got to see the fireworks and light projection spectacular – and she'd admit it was pretty spectacular – they'd had to endure a 45-minute "intergalactic hoopla dance party". Which had been so spectacularly tacky, it had nearly made all of them bail on the fireworks. Though, she was glad they hadn't. But if they had, they'd likely would've missed the crush of parents who had dragged their kids to the end of the evening charging for the park exit.

It was amazing the number of parents she saw with babies and toddlers completely passed out and strapped in their strollers. There was no way they could've gotten their money's worth out of having the kids out that late into the night. And no way it would've been worth it for the rest of the vacation dealing with a little toddler that cranky because their parents had wanted to see the Star Wars fireworks. Though, she also had suspected that even more selfishly than keeping their kids out that late for their own purposes – or misguided belief that they were doing it for their kids who weren't going to remember much of anything about that Disney trip – that they might've brought their stroller-aged children as an excuse to use the fucking things as some sort of battering ram to get through the crowds. Even worse was that she'd seen some parents with kids who were early six, seven, eight … ten, twelve … in flopped out in the fucking strollers – knees and feet stuck out even farther making the parental charge that much more of a trip hazard.

Her and Jay had made a quick assessment of the situation and taken a look at Ethan. He was still in complete flabbergast-ment after the show but he was clearly exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally. He'd had a rough day on multiple levels and no matter how much he'd loved their evening, it was way passed his bedtime and rather than be on Cloud 9, he was lagging like he was just ready to be counting sheep. Her and Jay would've been able to navigate the crowd easily enough. But they decided not to try with her crippled little brother. It'd just be too much when the night had already been pushing toward too much.

So they'd just found a bench and waited it out. It'd taken a while for the crowds to thin enough for them to start their trek down Hollywood Boulevard to the exit. Even though while Eth had motored a bit about the night when they'd first sat down, it hadn't taken long for him to slump against her, as she slumped against Jay, and she'd just wrapped her arm around him until his chatting slowed and eventually stopped. It'd clearly drowsed while they waited – to the point that when it was time for them to get up and make the walk, he'd put up a momentarily little boy fuss before pulling himself upright. Even without the crowd to navigate, it'd been a slow trek. He was tired and wasn't doing his usual power-propelling down the block on his crutches. He'd just hobbled along to the point that she could tell from the couple looks Jay had given her in their slow pace that he'd been contemplating just picking up the kid and carrying him. Realistically Ethan was such a gaunt kid, that either of them could hoist him up and walk him the distance without a problem. And with how young her baby brother still looked most people around them wouldn't give their toting of him much of a second glance. There'd been a whole lot of parents carrying their older kids or hoisting them up to their shoulders at certain points during the night as far as Erin could tell. But, even if they could pass Ethan off as ten or eleven … or even eight with how little and tired he looked that night … the reality was that he was nearly fourteen. And unless he was having a bad flare and hospitalized, he wasn't going to tolerate anyone hugging him or carrying him in public. And even then, it was only Daddy that he let do that. It was still Hank who he reached for when he was that sick. And, they really shouldn't get in the habit of treating him like a little kid anyway. He wasn't – no matter how little, sick or tired he looked or acted in a particular more. And, they'd all been putting a whole lot of effort into encouraging his independence and growth into a young man – not treating him like the family baby. Even if he was.

So they'd made their slow march. She thought they were about the last people in their last queue of the night – the one to catch the fucking tram out to where they'd been directed to leave their car. Even though she was grateful they had the service – because with what time in the day they'd arrived at the park, she thought they probably would've had to walk at least half a mile just to get to the park entrance from where they'd been forced to leave their car – she also was so fucking glad they weren't staying at Disney. The place was huge. The parking lots were huge. And the crowds – even on this specially ticketed, limited entrance, exclusive evening – were way worse than what they'd encountered so far at Universal or Kennedy Space Center. Though, maybe she'd have a different perspective on that after they ventured into the Wizarding World. But for now she knew that they were able to walk from their hotel to the Universal parks entrance gates in less time than it was going to take them to catch this fucking tram and ride it out to their car.

Apparently they weren't the complete last people to get into the line and cleared out of the park, though. Some people had eventually gotten in line behind them to wait for the little tram. Though, she didn't get the sense that they had so much been sitting and waiting out the crowds as they'd been doing some last minute shopping in the stores along the street out to the exit or snagging a late night snack before heading back to their hotel. But she supposed that was a way to wait out the masses too.

The tram had ended up being full enough when on finally did come around to pick them up. But Eth had still fumbled around in claiming their bench. It wasn't jam packed enough that they had to squish into the bench with another family but he really shouldn't have flopped his crutches over the next bench and then proceeded to flop against Jay and immediately shut his eyes. He was clearly just ready to be back to the hotel too.

The couple smiled at the mild intrusion into the space they were trying to claim, though, as Erin struggled to unhooking the crutches from whatever Eth had done to get them to stick there good.

"Looks like you aren't going to have any problems with bedtime tonight," the woman commented, giving her a little grin as she finally managed to get the crutches moved for them, tucking them between her knees, in case another family did end up trying to get into the row with them.

She made a little sound at that and glanced over at Eth and Jay. Jay had zoned off into his own little world too. Though he thrived on late nights and didn't do a lot of sleeping, he also wasn't a huge fan of crowds. And he was even lesser fan of idle chit-chat. Sometimes he was almost frighteningly similar to Hank. But rather than focus on that what Erin smiled about was just how comfortable the two of them looked in that moment. With each other. With the situation. That Ethan hadn't given a second thought about using Jay as his pillow when he'd sat down and that Jay – even if he'd registered it having happened, which since he was so attuned to any touch, he near certainly had – only reacted in lifting his arm and wrapping it around her little brother. That he'd settled … so completely … into being the big brother to her baby brother. The kind of big brother that Justin had never been able to be. And the kind of big brother – man – that Ethan just so desperately needed then. And Erin didn't know if Jay was doing that for her. Or he was doing that for Ethan. Or if it was a little bit of both. But she wasn't sure she really cared. Because she liked what she saw.

"Yea, I don't think lights out is going to be a problem tonight," she allowed congenially.

"Sure doesn't look it," the man nodded. "Looks like you ran him into the ground."

She made a quiet amused sound at that and allowed them another little smile. "He had fun," she provided. Eth seemed to hear – like he was only faking just a little with the whole sleepy little boy routine he had going on flopped against Jay. But whatever the sound was – and that little squirreling around to get more comfortable against her fiancé – just seemed to confirm in absolute agreement that he'd had fun.

Not that it'd taken any sort of real detective skills to figure it out. Though, looking him in the eye throughout the afternoon and evening – and very long night – had just proved it. Because he'd had a wide-eyed glow of pure glee. And it'd been reflected right back at him in Jay's eyes too.

They were both little boys that day.

Really from the moment they entered the park. They'd had to be there early – as in early enough to get a spot to see the rope drop for the Galactic Night. Jay had been insistent about it. She'd thought he'd regretted that a bit because there were definitely crowds there waiting to see that show and to charge the turnstiles as soon as the ticketholders were allowed in. And Jay only did so well in crowds. Swarms – or mobs – as he'd slipped (she wasn't even sure he was entirely aware he had) and called them a few times. And though she knew there was undisputedly something to giving them those labels, she also knew that a factor was there was just too much potential for bumps and nudges. And as innocent as those might be in that kind of environment, it was unwanted touching. And Jay only ever dealt so well with that too.

But he'd settled. He'd leveled. She could tell for the first about twenty minutes there that he was purposely making himself do that. His body language had been stiff and he'd had his arms crossed around him – protectively and with his elbows out. And for all the excitement and gratefulness that was seeping off Ethan – and really directed at Jay – he'd been really quiet. Even for him. But he'd clearly talked himself through it and compartmentalized what he needed to and figured out how he needed to hold himself to be able to cope with the mounds of people.

And even though Erin didn't think he'd likely heard a word of that opening show with the Stormtroopers setting up the scenario and cracking jokes. That he hadn't allowed so much as an amused noise and hadn't cracked a smile – when the little routine had earned hearty laughs from those around them. She did know that by the time they got inside, he'd readied himself to get through it. And – along with his trusty map – he'd plotted a plan and a route to go against the stream and counterclockwise to the rest of the mobs. It'd effectively saved them from having to deal with too much chaos until when they were leaving. So maybe there was something to his map-toting, crowd projection, ride-booking, route-planning ways.

He already had a spot scoped out – from his map – along the main street just inside the entrance. He'd guided them directly to it – slightly off the beaten path and off in a corner, but with a bench that he'd lifted Eth up on and stood in front of him, so the kid could lean against his shoulders when he got tired. Giving him the height and the support to see the parade of Stormtroopers without having to press to the front of the crowd.

Some staff had indicated that they shouldn't be standing on the benches, though. And Erin had seen Jay instinctively reach for the hem of his shirt like he was going to thrust his hip forward and badge the Mousketeer. But he'd managed to realize that his badge wasn't there and wasn't exactly the best solution to the scenario. Instead he'd rather bluntly presented that the kid was sick and needed a place to see and rest without getting trampled. They'd sort of looked at them – and Ethan – a bit to closely but had wandered off without saying anything more. Though, Erin had noticed they'd paced back around to make sure more people weren't gathering on the bench. Not that Jay would've let them crowd Eth's space. But they really were out of the way enough that no one really wanted their spot. It wasn't exactly prime real estate. But Ethan could see – even from a distance – and that was the important thing.

He'd loved the parade. Which she'd been repeatedly corrected and informed that it "wasn't a parade". It was military formations of Imperial Troopers. "Not just Stormtroopers." But whatever. It was a bunch of people in costume walking down the street. She supposed the sheer number of people they had paid to play dress-up for the night was impressive. But she wasn't nearly as gobsmacked as Ethan was.

Some of Eth's amazement at the costuming had died a bit when the troopers had gotten up to the main stage and it turned into some kind of little show. It was less of a show than a random excuse to bring out more people in costumes. The Droids, Chewy, Kylo Ren, Darth Vader. Those were the ones she could name. She knew Eth could've likely named others but in terms of their positioning to see the stage, they were so far back and with his eyesight the way it was, they couldn't see much. Beyond that, Eth kept saying, "Are they actually going to do something?"

And maybe the answer was yes. But they didn't stick around long enough to find out. They'd decided that whatever it was, it wasn't that interesting, so instead they'd broken away from the crowd and started on the route that Jay had picked – getting ahead of the masses that did decide to wait out the whole show. And maybe enjoy it.

They'd hit the Indiana Jones Stunt Show that Jay had been pretty set on seeing and her and Eth had been just as happy to sit through. Eth had likely been a little more than happy to sit through it. It'd clearly been flagged by her brother as something that Jay liked and that he'd clung to in this kind of desperate way to try to relate to Jay or to get him to like him. She didn't think Ethan needed to do that. She knew Jay liked him. Actually, she was pretty sure he more than liked Ethan. Not that he'd used the word 'love' when talking about her baby brother. But that wasn't a word that Jay used lightly. Even with her, she only heard it sparingly – even though she knew he loved her. But he demonstrated it through his actions – big and small – on a near daily basis. And she hoped Eth understood that too. Because his dad was like that too. He wasn't soft and cuddly with them or profess his love constantly – but you couldn't fault him in his love. The ways he did show it. Though, Erin did know that since Justin died – and all the fallout – Hank had been much more liberal in using the L-word. And way more physical in his affections with Ethan. She regularly saw Hank initiating hugs with his son now – not just handing them out when Eth went seeking them. Eth was spending his tweens and teens with a lot more than hair scruffs and tugs from his dad. Hank barely let Eth out of his sight for the day without getting that hug from him each morning and assuring his child that he was loved. But Eth needed that. Hank did too. It'd just taken … too much … for him to realize that and to be able to put it into action in his daily life.

But Erin understood too that Eth reaching out to Jay like that had little to do with Jay or the way his relationship with his dad was developing as he grew up. It all went back to his own insecurities about his brother. That strained relationship. And that loss. Both as a little boy and now for the rest of his life. Because there hadn't really been a relationship. Erin didn't question that Justin loved Ethan. She knew that deep down he did. And even for all the conflicts they'd had – and all the ways Justin had treated Ethan like the annoying little, tag-along brother when he was a teenager wanting to do his own thing and have his own space – she still did have memories of them playing together. Of Justin being a real brother – not just paying Eth lip service about things the could or would or should do, and never did. The thing was that a lot of those memories – play and time-together – that she knew happened were when Eth was still a pre-schooler. Even in the best case scenario, those memories would've been shadowy. And in Eth's scenario they just didn't exist.

So all her brother was able to recall about Justin was a strained relationship and a lot of hurt and disappointment. Of him trying to relate to his brother and it never really being returned. Because Justin was at a point in his life that he just didn't care and he didn't really try. He had too much of his own hurt and animosity – toward Hank, toward Ethan in laying anger and blame and hurt and hate where it shouldn't be. Because his dad hasn't caused his mom's death. And Ethan sure as fuck hadn't. And it wasn't Ethan's fault that he'd pulled through and Camille hadn't. It wouldn't have been better or worse if it had been the opposite scenario. It would've destroyed and fucked up the family just as much if it had been Ethan who died that night. Then Justin would've finished off his teens and entered his twenties with two broken parents. And as strong as Camille was and as sacrificing as she could be – the trooper she was for the family – Erin struggled with wrapping her head around how she would've survived that as the same person. Because as a woman, as a sister, as a mother who didn't get to be one due to just a single miscarriage – she couldn't imagine dealing with that. Not when Camille had already going through so many miscarriages. When they'd wanted and waited for Ethan for so long. When she was so excited and so in love with that little boy. When Erin knew what a … special … little boy her baby brother was. She just couldn't imagine. It made her stomach twist even thinking about it.

She did know though that in a scenario where Camille and Ethan had both died that night – she was getting glimpses of what that might've done to Hank. She'd seen very clearly in the hours and days after Justin died exactly what and who he'd become. And it's scared her. It'd shaken her so much. And she knew that if those years ago that it was just her, Justin and Hank left as their fucked up family … they would've been pretty fucked up. And she wasn't sure anything would've been any better than what they'd already gone through. She wasn't even sure they would've pulled out the other end as much of a family. So Justin projecting all his mixed and conflicted on his father and his brother didn't do much good. It was just him dealing with his own grief and his own guilt – when it wasn't his fault either. Though, she understood why he was hard on himself. She'd be the same if she'd been the one fighting with Hank then. The one who'd snuck out. The one who'd called home drunk and stoned off his ass – at least partially following rules and having enough sense to know he shouldn't get in the car with someone else as drunk and stoned as him. But it had meant his mom had gone out. It had meant Ethan was in the car. But that's not to say if what happened hadn't happened that night, it wouldn't have happened another.

But Justin had still made the choice to let how he was dealing with his grief and guilt and anger have very real implications for his relationship with their family. Her and him likely pulled through it the best. Though, Erin carried her own guilt that they had been in a strained period at the end and she wished they'd come to some sort of resolution or forgiveness sooner. Because she really felt they would've. After he got back to Chicago – it would've been better. It had to be. She wanted to believe that. She knew, though, that that was part of the reason she was trying to find that resolution with Olive – with Henry. Because she hadn't been able to do it with her brother – who she'd grown up with. Who could've made her teens hell – but hadn't. And for all their rough patches – she'd really loved. She had happy memories of the real person he was even though she hated the person he tried to be that caused them so much fucking grief.

Justin's relationship with his dad hadn't done as well, though. Hank brushed it off as "fathers and sons". It was a phrase he used repeatedly in their family therapy rather than talk about much of anything. Rather than put any sort of real context around what he was feeling. Or what he felt back then. Like saying "fathers and sons" explained it all. And justified it all. Made it all right. When she didn't believe for a second that his relationship with his father was like what he'd had with Justin – even though he would only grunt at that and provide he lost his dad too early to have any real concept of what a father-son relationship looked like as a teen or an adult. And even if that was true, she'd readily argue that Hank's relationship with Ethan didn't look anything like his relationship with Justin. But that again got dismissed with the notion of Eth being a different kid, with different needs and him being a single parent now. Which might also be true but she also knew it didn't really capture it either. Instead "fathers and sons" was a catch-all to not talk about what he was thinking or feeling. At least not with her – or in therapy. And she didn't know who the fuck else he was talking to. Maybe to Ethan in backward and evasive ways – because it was pretty clear the two of them talked and Hank talked to Eth more than he ever talked to her and Justin and in very different ways. And maybe Al. Though, with what Al was going through now, she didn't know if that was bringing them together or just driving them apart. It wasn't like Al was the most talkative person – especially when it came to emotions or trauma either. Old school men's men. And she knew she was engaged to the exact same. And sometimes when she looked at Hank and Al she wondered if it was a snapshot of the kind of person Jay would be in his fifties. And that came with its definite good – and definitively bad – points.

Still, "fathers and sons" was a way to try to justify and come to terms with the strain that had been in Hank and Justin's relationship before he was gone too. She knew that Hank had been trying to smooth it over. Maybe more for Henry too – because from the time Hank had found out about Olive being pregnant, it'd been pretty clear that he desperately wanted to be involved in the baby's life. Erin knew that went back to Camille – not that he'd said that. But that was pretty transparent too. Almost as transparent as the fact that Hank was scared that Justin wasn't going to let him play much of a role in his grandchild's life. That he'd be pushed out.

But as much as Justin had tried to test and push out her and Hank, it'd really been Ethan who'd taken the brunt of it. The intentional – or unintentional – wrath of it. And it meant that Eth had grown up not thinking his brother liked him very much when he so desperately just wanted to be as James Dean as his big brother. And Ethan never would be. He just wasn't that kind of kid. He wasn't that kind of personality type. Even if that accident had never happened, he was still going to be a weird little kid and a geeky teenaged kid and probably kind of a strange adult. Now he was just … a little stranger sooner. But at least there was more of an … excuse … behind it. Only now her baby brother still questioned if his brother liked him – if he loved him. It was a recurrent theme in their family sessions too. Beyond his anger and his hurt and his clear anxiety about their jobs and the potential for more loss in his life and his confusion that just seemed to lead to depression about why people around him kept dying and the how and why he hadn't – the topic he kept coming back to was that Justin didn't like him. And he didn't know why.

He had all sorts of heartbreaking speculation about why. So much so that he'd made her cry in one session and she'd watched Hank struggling to hold back tears too. And whenever she saw Hank like that it just made her own waterworks even worse. And it really didn't matter how much they contended that wasn't true. How many ways both her and Hank told him he was likeable and loveable and how so many of the things he pointed out as reasons Justin "hated" him were on the list of reasons they loved him most and were most proud of him and thought were some of the coolest and neatest and more admirable things about him – she knew he was never really going to believe them. That he'd only hear them so much.

So instead Ethan had decided to set himself on a new mission. To make sure that Jay really liked him. That Jay loved him. The thing was Erin was all too certain that Jay already liked him – and loved him – long before Justin was gone and long before Eth set out on this mission. And she knew Jay wasn't blind to it going on either. They'd talked about it. And even though she knew Jay had talked to Ethan about it – had told him that he was a neat kid and he liked him just fine and he didn't need to pretend to be things he wasn't or like things he didn't – just for him. Ethan again only listened so much. So Jay had tried to level it by liking some things that Ethan did – that were things that Jay didn't necessarily not like but clearly wouldn't be participating in as a grown man – either. But she also didn't think Jay had too many qualms about letting Eth try to really grasp onto some of his favorites … Indiana Jones, Back to the Future and Guardians of the Galaxy among them. At least for the sake of this trip.

So Eth had been pretty hyped up about the Indy area of the park. It was tacky. But it was well-done. Though, not that different from the Jurrassic Park set-up when you got right down to it. She actually kind of thought that Jurassic Park area at Universal might've been a bit more immersive. But all the temples and archeological sites were fun to look at. And the gift shops – an obligatory stop to pick out something for Will even though Jay had admitted that he should likely look for something over at Universal too – had been great too. She'd admit that she found that the gift shops over in the Disney park were having her reach for her wallet and hum-and-ha a bit more about what she was going to pick up for Henry than what she'd seen at Universal thus far. But she did have to remind herself they hadn't been to Wizarding World of Harry Potter yet and they hadn't walked through Seuss Landing over there yet. Even though Ethan had repeatedly told them that the only thing he was going to even consider doing in that area of the park was eat green eggs and ham. That there was no way he was going on any of the "baby rides". She'd rolled her eyes at him.

But he was likely going to get his wish anyway. At the rate they were moving through any of the parks she wasn't even sure if they were going to get a day to spare to wander through the sections over at Universal that weren't Jurassic Park or Harry Potter. She supposed at least they'd managed to hit some of the rides at Super Hero Island the one night. But she knew Jay really wanted to hit some of the other – non-Jurassic Park and non-Harry Potter rides. And Hank kept asking if they'd been to the Hitchcock exhibit yet or the Disaster Ride that redid a bunch of the scenes from a lot of the old movies. Those seemed to be the only two things he seemed remotely interested in hearing about. And based on how Ethan did like the Indy stunt show, she figured they should likely try to find the time to take him to the special effects show or the make-up or sound effects show at Universal too. But at this point it was all coming down to time. And even though they still had days left on their vacation, it also felt like it was ticking down all too quickly.

She thought they'd all settled into it enough though, that they were trying to enjoy the moment – and the day – they were in. They were accepting the trip for what it was. And what a theme park vacation in Orlando meant. And that meant that it was tacky. But it was fun.

And as tacky as the Indy show might've been, she did get to hear some Jay as a little boy stories. Though, she recognized that he'd likely only partially disclosed them because she'd put up a bit of a fuss the night before about him telling Ethan more about his childhood than he did her. But whatever … he pushed her to be more open all the time. He had to get used to taking what he dished out.

Though, even though she liked hearing the few little spiels he flatly gave – they were all kind of melancholy. They weren't the swinging from swings and Will falling off cliff stories that Eth got. But she also accepted that on the few and far between times Jay talked about his childhood it was always with this dark cloud hanging over his head. It was different than when Will tried to present something to get Jay's goat. To get a reaction or embarrass him. She could always tell with the way Will beamed and how he told the stories – not just the kinds of stories he told – that he'd come away from his formative years with a very different perspective, and experience, than Jay.

But Will likely wouldn't have enjoyed the stories that Jay told that afternoon. She got told about when they'd decided to use their fishing poles and lines as whips line Indy. That Jay had managed to snag Will in the eyebrow – causing that weird little wisp and thin-lined scar that was still there. How it bled a ridiculous amount and how Will had bawled. And how it was the only time he remembered his grandfather really and truly yelling at him – and how roughly he'd grabbed at him to clear him away from his brother to make sure he hadn't taken Will's eye right out. Something that Will still back-handedly teased him about. Really more hung it over him in a way to rub salt in the wounds at times. But the reality of the possibility that his older brother could've lost an eye if the line had caught a fraction of an inch differently meant that Jay had never gotten in another tussle with Will – play or otherwise – even when his brother really deserved it.

The other one she'd gotten was their fascination with the Temple of Doom – much to the scorn of their religious mother. That Jay thought that Will was just kind of into the crazy rollercoaster ride at the end of the movie through the mines (which they'd stood in a line to actually go on in 'real life' after the stunt show. It wasn't a rollercoaster – so Eth had actually agreed. She thought mostly because they got to go in a "jeep" through an archeology site – which was apparently exciting. But she'd have to say that the ride was jolting enough that it likely was as bad – or worse – than some of the rollercoasters that her and Jay had braved the other night. She was sure it'd done nothing for Eth's spine or neck. She'd actually found herself reaching out and trying to hold him more stiffly as the ride jerked them around to keep him from getting whiplash.). And likely that they both had been disgusting little boys, fascinated with the meal of bugs and monkey brains and eyeball stew – which only then did Jay express some disappointment that none of that had been on the menu the night before. But what Jay had really liked about the movie – what he'd been most fascinated with – was the voodoo dolls. And how he'd actually made one of his father.

But it'd never worked. There was a hushed comment somewhere after that about how when he'd come to realize that voodoo was a fantasy, somehow engrossing himself in shooting shit up in his violent videogames seemed like a better way of dealing with things than sticking pins into a homemade knotted doll. But Erin wasn't sure either choice was particularly normal or healthy for a kid. And it was comments like that that made her realize as different as their childhoods were – that Jay had his own shitshow he'd had to trudge through and it'd fucked him up just as badly as Bunny had her.

But they didn't talk about that. Not then, or there. Not with Eth sitting with them and loving the pyrotechnics so much of the Indy show that they'd gone right over to the Lights! Motors! Action! Stunt show after that. And he'd been just as transfixed with the motorcycles and the racecars and the spectacle of it. Honestly, she'd looked at Jay a few times and he was pretty transfixed too. He'd even let out a couple sounds of honest amazement at some of the high velocity, high-flying stunts. And, it took a lot to get those kind of sounds out of Jay. Though, the Hawks could earn them sometimes too. But those were usually sounds of disgust followed by talking loudly – if not all out yelling - at the television. Like they could hear – or needed – his coaching.

The car show only feed Eth's endless chatter and desire about wanting to get to learn to drive really fast and in-pursuit like them and his dad. It didn't matter how much Jay told Ethan that he'd be riding shotgun until he was at least 34 while Erin was his sister.

She actually thought that was being generous. With Hank as his father, Ethan was going to be lucky to get behind the wheel by the time he was forty.

And she doubted he'd ever be allowed to straddle a motorcycle. Another favorite topic of Ethan's anymore. Likely also on the list of things he had latched onto in trying to relate to his dad and trying to relate to Jay. But it was a topic that both of them seemed happy to endure. Jay wanted a motorcycle about as much as Ethan. Likely more. And it was definitely on Erin's list of non-approved purchases – both for Jay and Eth.

She didn't think Ethan would ever be able to drive a motorcycle no matter how much he wanted to talk about them anyway. Though, he was definitely working at proving them wrong on that. He was trying to prove his balance and co-ordination on his little bike at home. His motor-mouth kept going too about how he was going to use his savings that spring to by a dual-suspension mountain bike (which was at least a nice tidbit to have in reminding him to not spend his money stupidly or frivolous on that trip. Because he didn't fucking need a toy lightsabre, an Indiana Jones archeologist hat or a fucking Rocket Raccoon hoodie complete with the tail even if it would make a 'totally, awesomely tight' Halloween costume – something that she thought he'd almost convinced Jay of while he looked at a fucking Star Lord jacket to match and informed her she could be Gamora. Fucker. They were both fucking dunces sometimes.).

Only further adding to his attempts to convince them of his mastery of the bicycle – and thus the feasibility of him eventually graduating to his dad's motorcycle – was him taking a very sudden interest in participating in all the stationery bike training and conditioning and rehab at his RIC physical therapy. Which Erin felt was being offered to him to help prepare him for all that catcher squat he was going to have to be doing when ball started up again. But she was pretty sure they'd all decided to let him think what he wanted about it. Because whatever motivation he had – at least it was working on strengthening his weak and spastic legs and his drooping foot.

Unfortunately, Eth had decided the car show had been ruined by bringing out some of the actual Cars. Which he thought was "completely retarded". It wasn't that she didn't agree – and that Jay had pretty vocally agreed – with. But it was something he stated so many times – when it was a word they'd completely removed from their family's vocabulary given the circumstances – that Erin had to put on her big sister voice and warn him that she was going to be making sure his allowance took a ding if she heard that word out of him one more time. And then she'd made him go down and take pictures of Lightening McQueen and Mater and Sally for Henry. Because that kid was fucking obsessed with Cars and might vaguely recognize them. Maybe.

She knew that was likely asking a little much of a kid who was just 21-months. But he better get used to it. Because Ethan was already putting in a lobby for a dinosaur second birthday party. While Olive was leaning more toward a construction site. And Hank had taken a "I don't fucking care" position on it all … because they all knew it was really only going to be so much of a party with the anniversary it also marked. She knew they couldn't get in the habit of not marking Henry's birthday. But she also knew what it was like to have your birthday marred with death. It might've only been a couple years but she didn't think that she'd ever separate the one anniversary from the other. And she doubted that any of the family ever would with Henry, either. But, he shouldn't have to grow up knowing that. The adults in his life would have to make sure him and his day got celebrated just like anyone else's birthday. So they'd all let Eth start his pining and planning about it – just like the kid did with any date he could pinpoint on the calendar anymore, however obscure. Though, Erin thought that Henry – even if he was given the say of a toddler – would likely pick a car party. Not dinosaurs and not construction site and not Popa's "he's two" theme. He wouldn't necessarily pick a car party of the Disney variety – but cars, none-the-less. And he probably wouldn't object if it was the Disney character ones either.

After that they'd continue Jay's route-planning and managed to fit in the Muppets 3-D Theater before their scheduled time on the Star Wars … or "Tours" as Ethan kept reminding her too … ride.

She'd been surprised that that area of the park was pretty much a ghost town. Ethan had not. Another thing he repeatedly reminded them while they waited to go into the theater. That Kermit the Frog was pretty much them making him visit Sesame Street. She'd pointed out that Sam Eagle combined with the Swedish Chef was pretty much visiting his dad – not Sesame Street. But it was pretty clear that the references had gone right over his head.

It was more clear that the whole humor of the show wasn't resonating with Eth at all after they got into the waiting area and then the actually theater. She was pretty sure he didn't laugh the whole time. And he kept giving her 'what the fuck is this' looks. Though, he did manage to hold his tongue until the end, when he simply provided, "I don't get it" and trudged out of the theater.

Erin was pretty sure the only thing there was to get was that she was kind of grateful she was an 80's-born, 90's-kid – and not whatever the fuck Generation Slogan Eth was growing up in. Because her and Jay had found some humor in the show. And they both remembered some of the movies and various sketches from the show when they were growing up. And Muppet Babies. Ethan had looked at them even more like they had lost their minds when they started talking about that. He'd gaped at Jay even more when he offered up that he had all the Muppet Babies toys out of McDonald's Happy Meals when he was a little kid. That his mother had collected them and put them in his and Will's stocking that year. That they fought over Gonzo and Kermit so bad and that neither of them wanted Miss Piggy. That those toys had been kicking around their house forever. That they were designated "car toys" for when they were going on the long drive to their grandfather's and the cabin. That he was pretty sure Will had tried skateboarding – and again damaged himself – because of Kermit on a skateboard.

"So McDonald's toys were your favorite toys when you were a kid?" Ethan had stared.

Jay had shrugged. "Wouldn't say they were my favorites. Just had them for a long time."

"You kept a Happy Meal toy for your whole childhood?" he'd stared.

"Happy Meal toys were actually toys when we were kids," Erin had defended him. "I had them too."

"Your parents bought you toys at McDonalds?" he seemed so confused.

"Ethan," she stressed at him. "They weren't just flimsy plastic back then. They were toys. And you got them with food."

"McDonalds is not food," Ethan had put flatly.

She nudged the back of his head, riding the brim of his hat up and down there in his habitual turned-cap catcher look. "Not everyone grew up in a family that could afford to buy them nice toys, put wholesome food on the table or eat at a restaurant that wasn't fast food."

His eyes had flickered a bit. "We aren't rich," he said a tad defensively but a little apologetic.

"No," she agreed. "You aren't. But you have a family that makes sure you're well taken care of and does their best to mean that you have some nice things and some pretty nice treats in all of that too."

She raised her eyebrow at him and he'd a little embarrassedly scuffed away, only adding, "It musta been so weird being a kid back then."

Yeah. Back then. Sometimes he tried to make her feel so old. Like being "in her thirties" didn't make her feel that way already sometimes. Or all the time. But really, she thought that it must be kind of being weird being a kid in the present. Even for as safe and secure Hank was trying to make Ethan's childhood, she really couldn't fully imagine what it'd be like being a kid and a teen in the 2010's. That just seemed weird to her. She liked her technology and internet and phone and social media and streaming. But how kids related to it and used it was different than how she related to it or interacted with it or used it as an adult. And sometimes it kind of boggled her mind. She was kind of happy that Hank had a lot of rules and restrictions for Eth around it. That he was sheltering him from it a bit. But at the same time she wondered how much that was going to back-fire too. How much more it was going to make Ethan a mark and an outsider. Just weirder than he already was.

But at the same time – she wanted to protect him too. She wanted to expose him to things like the Muppets. Not some of this … whatever the fuck kids even watched anymore. Did they even really watch anything anymore? Or did they just stare at things on YouTube and SnapChat and Vine? And if that's what they were looking at, what the fuck were they actually watching? She knew from work whenever things came on in those realms they were not the kind of things that any parent in their right mind would want their kids anywhere near.

There should be a Muppets revival. On SnapChat. And YouTube. Because that was something she could get behind Ethan – or kids – staring at.

The Muppets had been a staple in the Voight house. Eth had just likely kind of missed it. Or forgotten. Lost that memory. Like he had with a lot of his early years.

Hank and Camille, though, they would've been still teens when the original series was on. Based on the videos that still got played when Justin was little, she would wager they'd been fans. Not that Hank would admit that. But the quiet, smart, clean humor of the show was more up to speed with what he found funny – when he found anything funny. Or they just thought it was decent family programming to share with Justin – and eventually her – that they were willing to sit through too.

Because Erin knew for a fact that the Muppets Christmas special and the Muppets Christmas Carol still got put on around the holidays every year – even after she'd moved in. But Justin was still a little boy then still. Sometimes thinking back on it, that was hard to remember. She felt like she always remembered him as that moody teenager who was trying to be something he wasn't. To do his own thing while trying to be a tough guy like his dad. And somehow just not being himself anywhere in that process. As much as he'd grown with the army and with Olive and with Henry – how he'd settled – Erin still wasn't sure if he'd ever really come into his own and found himself. Or if he'd just found another costume to put on and some other chip to put up on his shoulder. But he hadn't always been like that. He'd been little and cute and goofy when she moved in. Not so unlike Ethan. Only he'd grown out of it – too quickly. And it looked like their was still hope with Eth that even though he was growing up, he was still going to be her quirky baby brother who was a bit of a goofball.

She sort of wondered how the Muppets Christmas movies hadn't translated into one of the traditions that Eth had clung onto. But she suspected that it was because for whatever reason it hadn't been one of the Christmas traditions that Hank had wanted to continue. And she found herself wondering if that was just because he hadn't liked the flicks that much or that maybe Camille had liked them too much. Or maybe he just related a whole lot of movie viewing with her – then wrap it up into the holidays and it was too much. Though, other favorites of them both had survived. Maybe some day … when they were doing better … she'd figure out a way to ask him. Or maybe next Christmas she'd try to remember to good through the media cabinet at Hank's and see if the DVD was still there and put it in and force Ethan to watch it.

Though, he'd likely hate it. Based on his reaction to the Muppet Vision show. And based on how restless they'd gotten when her and Jay didn't immediately walk right out of the gift shop.

They'd actually slowed down to look at some of it – because it was funny, and because for all the stupid pictures Jay had taken of her in Jurassic Park, she really needed to get one of him in a Beaker beanie … which pretty much made his head look like a penis, which wasn't exactly the look she wanted on him but she'd still taken the photo. But even that was apparently too long for Eth. Because he was starting to get antsy about them getting over to the Star Wars (nay … Tours …) ride for their scheduled time. And him being his father's son glowed through there. Because if you weren't early, you were late. By Hank's standards.

His father's son. Fathers and sons. Unapologetically. A moment where she could get behind that fucking catch-all phrase of explanation. Because maybe it did explain a lot. Sometimes.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: A chapter — GOOD BOY — was posted earlier this week. It has been re-ordered. It is now sitting as chapter, if you haven't had a chance to read it yet.**

 **So this chapter was getting long so it's getting split. You'll get the Star Wars stuff and the conclusion of the interaction with the couple on the tram in the next chapter - Part 2 of Star Wars day.**

 **After that I think I'm going to take a break from Florida for a couple chapters. I want to do a Hank/Ethan chapter and then I'm likely going to do a Ethan/Zoe chapter. Since I get a lot of requests about it, this chapter MIGHT be from Ethan's POV. If it's not from Eth's POV, it will be from Kim or Erin's. Not sure. I might try writing it from Ethan's POV and see how it goes. I've been playing with it a bit.**

 **I still have a Erin/Hank chapter from around Lexi's death that I want to do. And I have a Erin/Hank chapter that would be a recast of Jay's communication skills from E17 (not with an ex or him moving out, just with Erin at a frustration point about Jay's walls). And then I have a Hank/Jay chapter I want to do within that sequence (which would also deal with SWAT).**

 **I do have a chapter with Hank that would involve Ethan's health and likely bring in Al too.**

 **I've gotten positive feedback about doing a story set in the future. I still haven't decided yet. I'm leaning toward it. But like i said it'd be short — probably not more than 8-12 chapters. And for those who haven't clued in, even though I do write some dribble and fluff and give you the sporadic M chapters that a group of readers want — that I do tend to be "dark" and "depressing" and "heavy" … or so I'm told.**

 **And for the people who like to know what rides are real or not …**

 **At Disney Hollywood Studios in Orland do have some sort of Star Wars Stormtrooper parade. They do have some sort of character stage show. They do have an Indiana Jones stunt show. There is a Muppets theatre show.**

 **The car/motorcylce used to exist. It no longer does.**

 **The Indiana Jones ride is in Disneyland (and I think some of the other Disney parks but not the Orlando one).**

 **As always, your readership, comments and reviews are appreciated. Though, I always appreciate some feedback on upcoming chapters and stories and what people are excited for or interested in, I do find feedback on the actual chapter posted content most informative and constructive in trying to better the characters and the arcs.**


	25. Something of Beauty

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

 **THIS CHAPTER IS PART 2 OF THEIR NIGHT AT THE STAR WARS EVENT AT THE DISNEY PARK. Part 1 was posted yesterday.**

 **THERE IS A SMALL SPOILER FROM AN AFTERMATH CHAPTER THAT HASN'T BEEN WRITTEN YET. IT HAS BEEN MARKED - BEGINNING AND END — IF YOU WANT TO SKIP IT.**

It seemed like at least half the park was loitering around the Star Wars area. Not exactly surprising given the event they were at. But it did make waiting the fucking 60 minutes (!) until the time they were slotted to scan into the ride a little long.

They'd presented Ethan with the option of getting in line for Hyperspace Mountain. But it was a rollercoaster and in the dark – and even though the Star Wars appeal was strong, Ethan was really struggling with rectifying the dark and rollercoaster with his desire to do it. He'd waffled more when they went over to the attendant to ask a few questions. Kids much littler than him were excitedly getting in the queue and he'd watched YouTube videos and was excited about the concept of engaging in a dogfight with TIE Fighters. She knew Jay was too. But he'd clearly thought better of it being the best Star Wars option when he was booking their top three choices of rides. Or maybe there just wasn't a timeslot that worked with his travel planning for their evening. But it was likely for the best anyway. Because the attendant had told them that it was only lap bars and it was single-seater set-up so neither her or Jay would be sitting next to her brother to better hold his light-weight body in place in the disclosed "big and sudden drops". Not to mention, with Eth's loss of vision, he just didn't do very well in dark environments. Beyond that – it was a two and a half hour wait! One – she didn't think Ethan would survive that long of wait, nor would she in a very happy manner. Two – that ate up a whole lot of their limited time in the park. And three – she didn't think they'd get out of the ride in time to still have their time window for Star Tours open.

It'd taken some convincing and repeatedly explaining those points to Eth to get him to accept it. But she got the sense he was a little relived to have the out. Though, she also thought if the wait-time had been more reasonable that Jay likely would've wanted to go on. Though, when they only had nine hours to try to cram a full park in – that seemed to have a lot of 20-45 minute long shows in and a two-and-half hour dinner reservation smack in the middle – they'd accepted they weren't going to get to do everything. Or really Jay had accepted.

Because he'd done the planning for this park. Exclusively. Since Ethan hadn't been told ahead of time – until he got his shocked Easter surprise that morning – he hadn't made a giant list of what he wanted to do. That hadn't stopped him from getting online that morning and deciding he wanted to do "basically it's all lit, but not Beauty and the Beast and not Little Mermaid. Lame. And not Frozen. Nina randomly sings that too much."

"Ethan, she babysat you once," Erin rolled her eyes.

"That was not babysitting. I am not a baby. And it was at night. She slept. And Will said weird things and wouldn't sleep in your bedroom even though Dad made me change the sheets."

"Ah …," she allowed and cast Jay a look.

Though, she'd told Hank that Will and Nina would be more comfortable at their place, Hank had insisted that he didn't want to mess with Eth's night or morning routine when they had to work the case for Burgess' sister. But by the time they were leaving for their Florida trip, it was pretty clear that Will and Nina were likely nearing the end of their … whatever it had been … relationship. Financial lifeboat for Will?

She was almost going to be surprised if they were still together when they got home. And somehow wouldn't be surprised if they arrived home to find that Will had decided to move into their townhouse – since Jay had given him a fucking key. And even if he wasn't there, she wasn't going to be surprised if she was soon going to have to be dealing with two Halsteads in her personal space. One of which she really wasn't all that interested in having in her personal space – or what him being around would do to her and Jay's relationship and what sort of conflict and anger and trauma it would stir up in Jay. If he was there – or showed up on their doorstep – there were definitely going to have to be some boundaries set. And a fucking deadline for when he needed to sort out his shit and find a place of his own. That discussion would likely go over only so well too considering how involved they were in her family's life and how often Ethan was over at their place and the fact she was pretty much letting Olive use her condo at a bargain-basement price and hadn't yet broached the discussion on if, when and how she was going to start paying her full price or get the hell out.

But that was let another conversation they wouldn't be having on vacation. Or maybe all of that was another reality they were trying to escape for ten days of their lives. Because families were fucking complicated and a real fucking pain in the ass. And the dynamics were hard. And hurtful. And frustrating. But they were family.

So instead she focused on Ethan's follow-up comment, "And Nina sang Frozen at breakfast. BREAKFAST!"

His distaste was palpable. But it only made her smile. "Did Will sing for you too?" Erin asked.

"No. He looked like he wanted to die," Ethan provided.

"He used to be a wedding singer," Jay said.

A trade that Jay had revealed he'd peddled as yet another way his brother had tried to court – and bed – all the wrong women. Because what better way than to meet someone desperate enough to date Will than to crone at the single ladies already depressed about being solo (and very likely drunk) at a wedding. Though, Nina sure seemed to love making Will pull out the guitar and sing whenever they were over too. And sign with him. Like it was some sort of campfire sing-along. It was really beyond tacky. Tackier than a Disney theme park. And gag worthy. Her and Jay always founded a really quick excuse when that guitar came out and the serenade started. But Will and Nina hadn't seemed to have noticed that they seemed to miraculously always get calls to a scene whenever that happened.

They were nice enough. As individuals. Maybe not as a couple. But they were definitely weird. Though, Erin supposed her and Jay shouldn't really talk. She could tell that when they had Will and Nina over they looked at their place and lifestyles and interests through similar lens. They likely thought they were the weird and dysfunctional ones.

"I hope he didn't sing Do You Want to Build a Snowman," Eth mumbled.

"What's that mean?" Erin asked. Because Ethan had become one of her go-to places of keeping up on tween and teen slang. Not that he even knew what he was saying half the time. She had to Google that shit to get a more accurate representation of the lingo of the current generation of degenerates as they attempted to pull the wool of their parents – and big sister's – eyes.

But he cast her a look like she was stupid. "Erin," he barked. "It's a song from Frozen! The one Nina kept singing!"

"Oh …"

"I do not want to build a snowman. Ever."

And that was fine. Just like it was fine that he didn't want to do anything to do with Beauty and the Beast or the Little Mermaid. Because Jay had already planned their night – booked their times and their dinner. So Ethan was just going to have to go with the flow. And he pretty much was.

He hadn't asked what rides or shows they'd be missing and Jay hadn't said. Though, Erin knew that they weren't even going to attempt Toy Story, which apparently usually had more absurd wait times than the Star Wars ride. And she knew they wouldn't be going on the Great Movie Ride – unless they had some extra time. Which sounded more like a ride Camille would've loved – and maybe Hank would've liked in terms of memories of or with his wife than something that any of them would be too distraught about skipping. They were also skipping the Backlot Tour. Which, again, Erin wasn't too upset about because it wasn't like this place was a working studio, and even if it was she thought that would likely be a whole new level or touristy-tacky, especially at Disney. Though, Jay's logic had been that it sounded like the ride … or "tour" … would be pretty similar to some of the shows and that Disaster ride Hank was rooting for them to go on at Universal. If that happened. Either way, she didn't care about skipping it either. Though, Jay had asked her if she'd be upset if they didn't get Aerosmith Rockin' Rollercoaster. Which, if she was thinking just about her, was about the only ride she was remotely interested in for herself at that park.

But, really, this night – or trip – wasn't about her. This was about spending time with Eth. Making some memories with Eth. Giving him a bit of a reprieve. Letting him just be a kid. For a while. Away from all his daily bullshit and grind and all the memories that haunted him in their home and their city. And this night was about Jay taking a lead in doing that. About him doing something really nice for Ethan. And, really, getting to watch Eth and Jay's reaction to a lot of the park so far was probably entertaining and fulfilling enough. And much better than wasting on of their riding bookings on a rollercoaster that Ethan might not want to get on – especially when it was in the dark and had multiple loops and corkscrews. They'd have another repeat of the Flying Dinosaur where they'd have to work on building up his confidence again before they got to the Wizarding World with a petrified tween again.

So instead Jay had gone ahead and booked Star Tours, Guardians of the Galaxy: Breakout! And Tower of Terror. They had their dinner booked in the Launch Bay, which apparently was going to be an interactive experience and exhibit all of its own. And if they had time after that they'd try to hit maybe the Cars Radiator Springs Racers ride. Or the animation exhibit and workshop. But based on the crowd of people they were now hitting and how by the time they got out of Star Tours they'd likely be nearing the scheduled times Jay had for their other rides – and then their meal – Erin didn't except they'd be doing more much than what was planned. And the fireworks.

But it was enough. And even though being in the Star Wars area an hour early was a bit of a waste of time, it was also ultimately the real reason they were at the park. And there was lots to look at. Their were dioramas and sculptures and backdrops to stand in front of and take pictures. Jabba the Hutt and Han Solo in carbonite. There were some various Imperial troopers wandering around and droids and Jawas. Characters to meet and talk to and interact with. But Eth seemed leery to go and introduce himself and battle the crowds in the half-managed lines for a picture – even though the characters were far less intimidating that Charlie in Jurassic Park. Though, she'd admit the Jawas were kind of creepy and kind of pushy. It was likely best Eth was giving them plenty of leeway because she sort of thought if they approached them it might be Jay who got pushy with them about the little aliens invading their space.

It was OK, though. Because Ethan had been taken with the AT-AT walkers and Ewoks and speedbikes … and why did she know the names of all this shit?

Eth and Jay had both waited their turn and climbed on the speedbikes wanting their pictures on the Star Wars version of a motorcycle. It actually was a sort of cute photo. One that she'd sent to Hank. Which just turned into Ethan' snagging her phone and bombarding Hank with pretty much every photo they'd taken that day and then getting restless when he dad wasn't responding with the same level of enthusiasm that Ethan was oozing. She'd had remind him that he'd planned to have Olive and Henry over that afternoon and likely didn't want to be fiddling on his phone. Beyond that, she was pretty sure after the drama of the morning, Hank had had enough of them for the day. And was likely happy to get the chance to focus on the low-drama of a toddler for a few hours.

They'd watched the Jedi Training show – which was ridiculously tacky and clearly designed for pre-schoolers. But Ethan had lamented about the cut-off age to participate being twelve. He'd actually – for once – accepted that he sure didn't look thirteen and wondered if he could pass muster to get to go and wield a plastic lightsabre at the Seventh Sister Inquisitor. Which she really shouldn't have asked who the fuck that character was because it resulted in Eth declaring that she should be coming over to Hank's on Saturday nights to view Star Wars Rebels with him and his dad.

Erin could really think of a long list of better things to do with her Saturday nights – including cleaning her and Jay's bathrooms. But it said a lot about what Hank and Ethan did with the Saturdays they had together – since Star Wars Rebels, closely followed by going to the butcher and maybe taken for breakfast on Sunday morning and being allowed to order a bowl of cereal sounded like they ranked as 'weekend vibes', if not 'best weekend ever' material for her little brother when it came to time with his dad. Which also made her think – again – they really didn't need to bring Ethan to Orlando or Star Wars or Jurassic Park or Harry Potter or the Space Center or Universal. Because he was a ridiculously low-key, easy-to-please kid. Even if he did take some things for granted. But maybe it was a good thing that with all Eth had been through so far in his short life that he was still able to just take some things for granted. Maybe that made him a little more normal and a little more his age.

"You aren't serious?" she'd mumbled at his desire to get up there in a Jedi cloak with the rest of the much smaller kids. But his puppy dog eyes told her he wasn't. But she still shook her head no at him. "You're too old. Let the little kids have a turn."

He'd sulked briefly but that'd dissipated when he realized you could build your own plastic lightsabre in the nearby gift store. It was fucking pandemonium in that souvenir shop. She'd removed herself – because she absolutely did not want to in any way be held accountable for anything Ethan spent his money on in that store. And, she knew she'd give Jay looks too about things he was looking at. Because he'd dove nearly as quickly as Eth into putting together the ultimate lightsabre of their not-so-little boy dreams.

She'd sort of prayed that they both didn't come out of there with $40 pieces of plastic. And she partially got her wish. Rather than lightsabres they'd emerged with little droids that you could put together and customize at another station in the store.

"It's way cheaper if you do two," Ethan told dropping his into her palm for her to admire.

"Mmm …," was all she provided to that, gazing at it. Because was she supposed to say. Though, since Jay had one in his hand too, she fully suspected it'd been him who'd paid for them and not Ethan.

He only gave her a goofy grin and plopped his into her hand too. "For you," he said like he was some kind of Prince Charming – which sometimes he was on his better days, but generally, he most definitely was not.

"You shouldn't have," she muttered, though she picked up each and gave them a cursory examination.

Ethan – because he was Ethan – had clearly just tried to make R2-D2 while Jay had gone with some more experimental-looking droid. She was it was inspired by something from the movies or the various TV series but she knew better than to ask or comment. Because if she did she'd get given an explanation. Not by Jay. By Eth and it would be never-ending.

E watched her. Or more watched her hands until he commented, "You're wearing your ring."

She gave him a little glance at that and then looked down at her hand. "I'm not at work."

 *****MINOR SPOILER FROM AFTERMATH, if/when I finish the Christmas chapters*****

Eth fingered at where it was on her finger – like he was really looking at it for about the first time. "You're wearing Mom's necklace too," he said of Hank's gift – one that carried too much meaning in ways she was still trying to cope with and wrap her head around – he'd given her at Christmas.

Camille's necklace with the family's birth stones. The one that she knew from stories that Camille had wanted for a long time but they'd held off on until they were sure – had honestly felt – that their family was whole. But with three kids – two in private school and one just a baby and needing daycare and after-school care – it'd taken Hank a while to hoard away the money to get it for her. But Erin remembered when it'd been given to her. And how excited and happy Camille had been. How Erin had felt … overwhelmed too, in that her birthstone had been included on the pendant. That Camille had always had that necklace on from the moment she got it. But she really hadn't had it too many years before she'd died. And Erin had always thought – assumed – that it'd been buried with what was left of Camille. But it hadn't been. She'd learned that at Christmas. And she knew … how much meaning … and how hard it was for Hank to give that to her. But that it also … he'd given it to her at a time in her life that maybe she needed it most. The reminder in so many ways and so many levels.

"Mmm …," she acknowledged.

Though her hand unconsciously went up to the chain – like she'd started to realize it often did. While she worried or stressed. When Bunny appeared to try to fuck with her head and hurt her and confuse her about what and who her family was again and again. While she wanted to blow up at Hank and the things he'd brought upon the family and the hurt it'd caused and her disapproval about how he dealt with some things related to her brothers or to his grief. When she'd reached her frustration point with Ethan and his exhausting parade of needs combined with his teen-aged attitude and little boy innocence. When she questioned what the fuck her and Jay were doing and how they were going to settle into being a proper couple and a proper marriage and make a functional family. And somehow, even just touching it for a moment – moving the pendant back and forth along the chain and feeling the little insets of each of the charms – was enough to ground her again. For the moment.

 *****END OF SPOILER*****

"I like when you wear them," Eth said off-handedly. "Especially your ring."

"I'm a fan of that too," Jay allowed a little coyly but also nudged down onto the little ledge Erin had been waiting on, sandwiching her little brother between them.

"It makes us all official-like," Ethan said. "Like an official family."

Erin butted her side against her brother's shoulder and gave Jay a thin smile at that. "I don't think we need them to make us all official-like," she teased.

Ethan shrugged and gave her a look. "But then it's like … people just know."

She gave a little nod and kept Jay's eyes. "People know," she agreed.

At least the important ones. Or the important ones who needed the reminders sometimes about who a family was and what a family looks like. But family was family.

She handed Ethan his droid back and reached to give Jay his, but Ethan objected. "We made it for you," he said.

She allowed an amused noise and looked at it again. "What am I supposed to do with it?"

"It's for your desk," Ethan said.

"What about for Jay's desk?" she cocked an eyebrow.

"He doesn't like clutter," Ethan gave on his behalf. "Just like dad." That part came with some distaste.

But it got another small amused sound out of Erin – and a smile.

"I love you," Jay allowed quietly, still giving her that dopey, almost apologetic grin about the purchase and about the junk that her brother would now expect to see sitting on her desk the next time he was in the bullpen.

"I know," she put back to him, arching her eyebrow.

"You know—" he grinned, and she knew he was going to tell her that they'd just played Han and Leia. But she didn't need to be told.

"I know," she arched her eyebrow even more.

He just smiled and shook his head. But she nudged Eth a bit more firmly as he examined his little knick-knack more carefully. "C'mon," she told him. "Let's get in line."

And Jay had taken her hand as they walked over to the line to scan in. And it'd felt nice. Casual. So much of the trip was just feeling casual. Not as forced and as stressed and as exhausted that some of their everyday life did. And she liked that. She liked seeing him like that. She liked feeling like that.

The queue for Star Tours pretty much blew anything they'd seen at Universal so-far out of the water. It just wasn't even comparable. The wait for the ride was an attraction in itself.

They'd been made to hurry along the forest moon of Endor— surrounded by Ewok cottages high up in the trees and a towering AT-AT. Then they weaved their way through a Rebel bunker until to exit into a bustling spaceport.

Ethan's jaw had dropped even more when R2-D2 and C-3PO weren't just stationary in the room – but were moving and talking while they tinkered away on a replica of the shuttle craft they'd apparently be boarding. They were completely surrounded by projection screens, glowing scanners and blinking droids. It was a full intergalactic airport – destination board updating them on their boarding times for a plethora of planets – complete with a customs and baggage screening area with more talkative and interactive droids.

It'd been another one of these lines where they had to stop and let people go by them because at every little animatronics stop and every video about every potential planetary destination they could arrive at, had Ethan stopping and gaze wide-eyed at the show. And phones getting pulled out to take photos and video – and again Hank getting bombarded with another round of media from their trip.

Ethan had near been bouncing when they got handed their 3D glasses and placed in line to catch their shuttle. Just buzzing with excitement.

Getting him to sit still and buckle into their Starspeeder had been nearly a chore. He'd been so excited that his tremor was at full bore and she had to help him get his seatbelt done up and his 3D glasses sitting correctly over his prescription sports goggles. He kept fidgeting with them to get them to sit just right and knocking them around. But he wanted to make sure he saw everything.

They'd barely had a chance to settle before a series of mishaps suddenly necessitated the starship having to launch, leaving C-3P0 – not the most proficient pilot – having to take control. Just as suddenly the shuttle was intercepted by Imperial forces looking for a Rebel Spy and fearing for the passengers' safety, C-3P0 had them all lurching into an unpredictable hyperspace fight, hopping from planet to planet - and battle to battle – in an attempt to escape.

The ride was billed as state-of-the-art. But Erin wasn't sure it was much more than a flight simulator – even if it was 3D and had some animatronic characters appearing in the shuttlecraft with them and interacting with them on their adventure. But Ethan thought it was much more. Even though it had left her baby brother looking a little green around the gills when they were disboarding - he'd loved it. And he hadn't even released his seatbelt before he'd declared – and then begged – to go again.

The ride was supposedly different each time. There were apparently 57 different ride experiences you could end up with when the Starspeeder randomly visited different planets and encountered different characters and were pursued by different bad guys.

The oceans of Naboo or a starship battle above Coruscant. Boba Fett or Vader. If Ethan had his way – they'd ride the thing until they had all 57 different outcomes. Or, maybe more importantly, until he managed to be sitting in the seat that had him selected as the "Rebel spy". Normally, having his face projected up on a screen and drawing attention of a group of people was not anything her brother wanted but he seemed to desperately want to be a Rebel spy. She thought he hoped it would cause them to relent in buying him the tshirt that said as much. Or that he could use it as a reasonable justification to drop his money on said tshirt.

As it was, they'd ended up having to give him the choice of going on the ride again – a forty-minute wait – or letting him do his endless huming-and-haing in Tatooine Traders, a Star Wars store right out of his dreams. He'd still hum-and-ha'ed about that choice. So they'd had to tell him the clock was ticking. He took too long to decide and there wasn't going to be a decision to be made, because they were going to have to head to their next booked ride time.

That had got him moving. Sometimes you had to put a boot up his ass. A Hank saying. But there was truth to it.

They'd gone through the ride again. It wasn't an entirely new ride. They got two new planets out of three. But it didn't seem to matter where you technically were –the ride just jerked and severed you around the same way. Not that it really mattered because Ethan was smiling from ear-to-ear and him and Jay were instantly engaged in some sort of in-depth discussion about what planets they'd been on and what battles they'd got to speed through. Apparently it was pretty fantastic that they'd gotten to do battle above Coruscant and to fly through the Death Star and even better that they'd fought with the First Order on Jakku and flown with the Millennium Falcon! Apparently.

She didn't really mind being excluded from that talk. But it was about the most talkative she'd seen Jay all trip. Or maybe ever. And she liked seeing them both that happy. A lot.

The guys had still been so psyched about it that they'd walked around to see what the wait-time was at that point. They'd clearly been hoping they could squeeze in a third run before they had to make the walk to the Guardians of the Galaxy ride – which Jay had emphasized they should make sure they got there with their full time window since it was the newest ride in the park, had basically just opened and the new movie would be releasing in a matter of weeks. Basically, he expected that even with them having a booked ride time – they were going to be waiting a while.

There wasn't going to be enough padding for a third attempt to be the Rebel Spy – or to get to Hoth, which seemed to be another priority for both of them. Erin could tell that they were both a little disappointed. But she'd managed to drag them away from the area – without tears – and with the lax promise that if there was time later in the night, they could always loop back. She knew that her and Jay knew that likely wasn't going to happen but it was enough of a promise for Eth. And, they did manage to let him spend 10 minutes in the store too. Which was more than enough because he pretty much wanted to buy everything. Even Jay looked like he was considering a tshirt.

Erin had only cocked any eyebrow at him when he'd shown it to her. "Do you ever want to get laid again?" she put flatly. It'd gone back on the rack.

But he'd still showed her a fucking BB-8 tank top and an R2-D2 dress like that would be something she'd ever put on. And had placed a vote with Ethan when the kid had come over with a Darth Vader barbecue apron that he thought should be purchased for his dad. She'd placed a veto on that purchase. Though, had let it slide when Eth decided he wanted to spend his money on a Stormtrooper ringer tee. It'd made Jay casually sulk a bit.

"Why's he get the cool stuff?" he'd put to her as they worked to stuff the purchase into their day pack.

"Because he's still a kid," she'd provided.

"Kid at heart doesn't count?" he asked.

She raised her eyebrow. "You want me to take you seriously wearing a Wookie tshirt?"

"You saying Chewie doesn't turn you on?" he asked, raising his eyebrow.

She didn't grace that with a response. Reality was that some day Ethan would think twice about his Star Wars, Jurassic Park, dinosaur and Cubs wardrobe. And at some point he'd have the sense to convert the plaid or shades of grey that dominated their family.

The Guardians of the Galaxy was fun too. It was nearly a forty-five minute wait even with having a booked time. But they were blasting the soundtrack from the movie – that they'd all developed a bit of an affinity for and regularly had records with the tracks playing at home. Ethan had shown of his version of "dancing", which wasn't much more than demonstrating the upper body strength he'd developed to prop himself up and balance on his crutches while doing some sort of moves that vaguely resembled some kind of cross between hip hop and break dancing. But at the RIC there was a whole little crew of kids on crutches and in wheelchairs with all kinds of muscular and spinal disorders or paralysis that had developed the weird form of dance movements. Most of them were much better than Ethan but he'd seemed to have worked up the courage to go over and at least loiter near them and try to earn some of their movements at the RIC's dances.

Not that Guardians of the Galaxy's soundtrack – or the queue – was the best place to be showing off any of that. But it hadn't stopped Jay either who had a momentarily goofy moment showing off the Star Lord dance, prance, shuffle and jive from the opening of the film and looking at her directly in the eyes and mouthing a long with the music, "Baby, cause you're fine and you're mine and you look so divine. Come and get your love."

She'd shaken her head and rolled her eyes at him. But it'd also made her smile a ridiculous amount. Because in the limited moments that he let his walls down and was himself – he was such a nerd. But really, he was just a really nice, goofy, caring guy. And she wished he'd let more people see that. But at the same time, she knew he had his darker tendencies – and impatience and temper – that were just as much a part of him. So, it really just made her feel special that she was on a very short list of people that he at least occasionally let some of those walls down. That she at least got to know the nice, goofy, caring side existed in him. That she not just knew it was there in theory – that she got to see it in practice. And that he'd some how at least let part of her family – Ethan – in on that secret beyond the wall too.

Outside of the music there'd once again between lots to look at in the Collector's Fortress. Lots of items from the first movie – which she'd been made to endure since Jay had given it to Ethan at least as many times as she'd had to sit through the Force Awakens and Jurassic World in the past year – and a bunch more that the guys were convinced were teasers for what was to come in the next movie. Which Jay and Ethan had a movie date to go to in a few weeks. She wasn't entirely clear if she was invited on this outing. She also wasn't entirely sure if she cared if she wasn't. Because … nerds.

Ethan had been more transfixed with Rocket popping out from all these unexpected places as they kept inching forward in the line. Ethan had decided Rocket was pretty much his spirit animal – given all his scars and medical experiences he'd been through. "And he's short," he usually included. Though that night they'd got told that he was "Rocket with a side of Groot." Which was probably a pretty accurate description of her little brother. Almost heartbreakingly so. Not that he seemed particularly bothered by his statement of fact. But that that might've been because Jay had provided that he was Star Lord with a side of Rocket. Which was just as heart-wrenching in its own way.

"And you're Gamora," Ethan had informed her again.

She'd glared at him. "Ethan, sharing the same reproductive system does not make me Gamora. You're being sexist."

He'd scrunched his nose at her. "No, I'm not," he'd argued. "She's bad ass. And she was adopted. By a dad who wanted her to work for him. And she acts all like she's rude and better than everyone but she actually is really caring and really loves her family. Especially her sister."

She raised her eyebrow at him. "And you got all that out of the movie?"

Ethan shrugged. "Yep. So, basically, you're Gamora. Or you can be Gamora with a side of Groot. If you want. But you have to say it …"

"Say what?" she put to him.

"Say—"

But she interrupted him. Because she knew exactly what he wanted her to say and she did her little impression. "I am Groot," she said, getting a big grin out of her brother. "I am Groot," she added for good measure, holding onto his shoulder and giving him a little rock and shake.

He was such a pain in the ass. But that usually faded. Like then. When he smiled at her and briefly draped into her for a half hug, her gripping at his bicep.

"I am Groot," she added on last time. A replacement to 'I love you'. But they both knew that Groot loved Rocket and Rocket loved Groot. So if Eth was her Rocket – she might as well be Groot.

When they finally did end up at the front of the line – and readying to get on Rocket's planned escape with a side of rescuing the rest of the Guardians of the Galaxy, who'd they'd already seen stashed up in cages arguing with Rocket about the absurdity of his plan and how slow he was going, to which he counter he was always the one who had to do everything – she thought Ethan might bail on them.

It was a rollercoaster. Which they hadn't expected. And it looked like it was all going to be in the dark too. And it had harnesses – so it was pretty clear there was going to be some kind of loop or corkscrew. Somehow that had all slipped by in the planning. Or Jay had just decided not to tell Eth and to let the kid decide for himself when they were standing there – because that was the method he was pushing for when they were in Harry Potter land too. Let the kid enjoy the queue and let him make his own decision on if he could handle the ride.

Erin was a little nervous about doing that. But neither her or Jay said anything to Ethan. They just stood there like this was entirely what they expected. They didn't hype it up. And they didn't try to pressure him one way or another. They just let him decide. And even though Erin could see her little brother watching people get in and out of the coaster cars and see his little brain trying to process, he hadn't said anything about being nervous or not wanting to go.

The most that got said when they were boarding was, "I want to ride with Jay."

And OK. So the two of them had sat in front while she'd sat behind. And it was a great ride. Though the rocket at the start – from zero to 60 miles per zero in a split second – really had her hoping that Ethan had his head and neck firmly back when they were propelled directly into the ride.

The ride had gone completely careening into darkness – songs from the movie just blasting into their ears in the headrest. They'd gotten Cherry Bomb. They'd literally rocketed to their escape – slowing just enough to make out some illuminated landmarks and the characters popping out at them again in their own efforts to elude the Collector. The rest of the time it was a streak of lights and orbs blinding around them.

There'd been a loop and two corkscrews. The music was so loud and echoing in her ears that she couldn't tell if Eth was screaming or not. But she could just sort of see that both Eth and Jay still had their hands clutched on the restraint, so that was likely a good sign. Jay wasn't having to try to hold Eth into place or grip at his hand to keep him calm.

When they'd finally slowed it was more of a soaring halt, a wormhole swirling around them for their re-entry. Their mission was complete but the Guardians of the Galaxy were off on their next adventure.

Ethan had managed to clamber out of his seat first and looked at her – with all smiles. So … mission was a success too. He'd survived a rollercoaster – on his own accord – and a pretty intense one at that. And actually seemed to enjoy it. Enough that he wanted to go on it again – but it was nearly a three hour wait in the general line. So they weren't even going to attempt that.

It'd been hard enough to get Ethan through the gift shop in that area because he'd decided to waffle on whether or not he wanted – or needed – a Rocket Raccoon stuffed animal.

"Ethan, you're almost fourteen," she pressed at him. "You do not need a stuffed raccoon."

He clearly hadn't liked hearing that. He'd liked hearing it about as much as Jay had liked her vetoing his Chewbacca tshirt. So instead he'd tried to convince her that Henry needed a stuffed Rocket. But she wasn't buying it would ever actually end up with their nephew and she wasn't going to let Eth spend his money on something that stupid.

Thankfully they'd been saved by the "FastPast" and their next timeslot coming up. It was proving a decent way to keep Eth moving.

So they'd walked over to the Tower or Terror. It'd been another fun one. Ethan had seemed to flocculate between creeped out and fascinated as they worked their way through the old hotel and then the little haunting trick they pulled in the one holding area. And he'd looked at the elevator attendants very speculatively, even leaning over to them and whispering, "They're either zombies or possessed." She thought that was the point but Ethan wasn't too sure what to make of it. But he did know he loved the Twilight Zone music. And after they were on the ride and he was getting real air in the drops – it'd been yet another ride that he wanted to go on again. Actually, they all did. But it's wait time wasn't exactly short either. And they'd again had to keep moving.

They'd checked into their reservation at the Launch Bay. It was another moment that Ethan's eyes just kept getting wider and wider. The first section they went through was a little theater where they were playing a bit of a catch-up video about the Star Wars universe for all the parents … and older sisters … and fiancées … who didn't entirely get all the intricacies of it. But it ended with a big reveal as they got to screen the new Star Wars trailer that had just been released a couple days before. Ethan had already watched it on his tablet. But it up on the big screen with the sound system – he was already planning their next Christmastime Star Wars outing. Apparently Star Wars was becoming part of their holiday season.

They'd then been released a large area with props from all the movies. Helmets, lightsabres, costumes, ships, blasters. She knew that Ethan and Jay likely could've spent the rest of the evening wandering around the exhibit. Really, they likely would've been fine if they'd foregone all the rides and spent their entire Galactic Night in there.

As it was, they took their time. Ethan wandered – often ahead of them in his excitement – coming back occasionally to motor-mouth at them about what was up ahead. But she'd just kept Jay's pace. She'd let him read all the little placards that he wanted. Reading them too. And she felt like she was getting another glimpse of that little boy and the happier childhood memories. That he was sharing with her in an indirect way. A reality made more true when he reached and gripped onto their hand as they made their way through the hall – not letting go for their entire tour.

One of the attendants at finally noticed how slow they were going and had come over with a Stormtrooper and an Imperial Droid to indicate that they had the dinner reservations they were looking for. They were basically ordered – by a guy with a blaster – to get moving a bit faster.

He'd pointed them over to a character meet-and-greet they hadn't expected. They'd been offered the option of meeting Kylo Ren or Darth Vader. Jay had looked to Ethan – even though Erin knew that Jay's answer would've instantly been Vader when Eth could've gone either way, likely leaning toward Ren since that was really his Star Wars introduction.

But instead Ethan had looked the guy right in the eye and said, "Don't we get to meet any of the good guys? Like the Rebels …"

The attendant had offered a thin smile at that and explained that they weren't yet at the Rebel Launch Hangar. So the Empire was likely still hunting them down at this point. That he was sure after they got into the Rebel Launch Hangar they'd encounter other characters from the Star Wars universe. And he'd provided a little hint-hint-nudge-nudge that after they completed their "mission" at dinner, they'd likely have the opportunity to meet-and-greet some notables … like maybe Chewbacca or the droids.

That seemed to appease Eth a bit. And she'd been surprised when he'd agreed to meet Darth Vader. She wasn't sure if he was doing that for Jay or just because – he'd done it so nonchalantly. Just as her usually shy-around-strangers little brother informed Lord Vader that "Our dad is pretty much you and this is pretty much Han and Liea." The introduction had meant that Darth Vader had done a whole lot more interacting with her and Jay than Ethan – giving them a hard time, demanding to know where the Death Star plans were, and threatening to encase Jay in carbonite. Though, they did get a nice family photo out of the moment. Yet another that got pinged over to Hank. One he'd actually replied back to.

"Erin, is he your father?" he'd put in such a way, Erin could read the dry-flat tone of his attempted joke. And one that showed he actually cared about – and listened to – Ethan's Star Wars dribble too.

"According to Ethan, yes," she said. She knew that maybe it needed more context or explanation – but she also knew that it didn't. That Hank would get it. And accept it.

The service – and food – they'd once again got at dinner had been … mindblowing. Because walking into a restaurant in Chicago and laying out Ethan's dietary restrictions didn't come with those kinds of options. But they'd bent over backwards to be prepared for him and to have something to offer him. He'd been thrilled that he gotten blue milk – that was more of a rice milk-banana smoothie rather than the milkshake on the menu. But he didn't care. He'd sucked it down so fast that he'd actually lamented about brain freeze.

Ethan had so much choice – something he wasn't used to – he again waffled on what to get. Until he literally settled on waffles, a treat that she wasn't even sure how they would be able to make for him at home. It came with breaded chicken fingers, which were also something that were near impossible to get him at home and when they did it at home for him it was with almond meal or shredded coconut. Which he liked but just wasn't the same as chicken fingers for a kid that age. She thought it was a little weird choice given some of his other options, but she was pretty sure the "Dark Fried" name of the menu item and the fact the waffles were imprinted with Darth Vader's helmet were what had won him over.

Jay had finally gotten his steak he'd been wanting – and apparently it was a good one, even though it was billed as "The Kessel Run". But he'd been happy with the sides, which included a tomato stuffed with a bacon, cheddar and spinach custard and horseradish potatoes that he'd seemed bordering orgasmic about. She'd settled on the "Dune Ensalada". It was a puffy pastry stuffed with smoked salmon, crab asparagus and gruyere. And with that being so rich, it was nice that it was balanced out with a side salad that was actually heaping with Bibb lettuce, watermelon radishes, grape tomatoes, and some sort of crisped parmesan wafer. It was the sort of meal that would've gotten Hank's seal of approval. It had Eth's too. Especially when they'd brought out a board of cheese and fruit and veggie skewers – labeled as lightsabres – and crackers shaped like C-3P0. And hummus and chips, labeled as "Sith and Chips" and done up to look like Darth Maul in the black sesame topping.

And if the steak hadn't clearly gotten Jay's seal of approval – dessert had. He finally got his key lime pie. Maybe not authentic – and shaped like Yoda – but that hadn't stopped him from digging in. Though, she would give him that he shared. Maybe a little begrudgingly. They'd even brought out Eth a little cup of fruit salad with a melon cut like Yoda's head – and even more excitingly a chocolate cupcake that he could eat. He'd inhaled it even faster than he had the blue milk.

But he'd still managed to sit quietly and gaze around the restaurant – at its theming which really did make them feel like they were sitting on another unused set on the movie or that the Rebel bases really did exist – watching the little shows and character interactions going on. Boba Fett had come over to their table at one point and he was thrilled. There'd been more pictures. Though, he'd looked at the other characters cautiously. Greedo had tried to interact with them at one point but Eth played shy. And the Jawas wandering around must've again taken the hint that they weren't interested in trading anything. Either that or the people under the costumes could sense Eth's apprehension and stayed back. Though, he did wander over to stare at the Cantina Band at one point, seemingly unsure if they were real or more animatronics. The verdict when he'd returned was that there were "definitely not robots".

Eth had wanted to try to steal the Ghost model that was on their table – actually speculating if they could go and claim the X-Wing Fighter or the Millenium Falcon that were on some of the other tables. Thankfully they were screwed to the table and she didn't have to have some sort of discussion with her brother about how stupid and disrespectful he was being. Instead he'd settled for waiting for them to finish their drinks – a Rebel Red and an Imperial Blue … basically some overprice bourdon and vodka – so he could claim the light-up cubes in them of a Death Star and X-Wing instead.

They really pushed it with how long they stayed there at that point. Erin could tell Jay was enjoying the atmosphere – and his meal and drink. And Eth seemed content to go wandering the place gazing at all the posters and props and decorations in the restaurant. But they'd eventually pulled themselves out of their chairs and gone to meet Chewie.

"See … sexy …," Jay had whispered to her while they waited for their photo op.

"I can smell him from here …," she scrunched her nose. Likely a costume odor in Florida heat and humidity – but she still felt it was likely an accurate representation of how a Wookie smelled. Jay had been more thrilled to meet Chewie than Eth but the Wookie had taken a real liking with Eth. His elbow got rested on Ethan's head for the picture. And Jay looked like he'd just met his hero. Apparently it would've only been better if he'd gotten to meet Han Solo – but he'd settle for Harrison Ford.

"Because then it'd be like meeting Indy and Han," Ethan had provided.

But he'd barely gotten it out when he spotted BB-8 on their exit. He was starstruck – again. And he'd gone over to talk at the thing like it could actually here – in a similar way as he talked to Bear. The droid got told all about how he built robots and his Robotics Team and their visit to the Space Center and how he'd made a rover at home. And the thing had beeped at him like it actually knew what he was saying or cared.

Ethan clearly wanted to stay there longer and stare at the droid trying to figure out how it worked, but it was getting close to midnight. And they'd started to wander toward the front of the fireworks. They'd endured the dance-off in the Hoopla show and then stood in pure awe as the music of Star Wars blasted from speakers around the park. As the fireworks burst into the sky in sequence with the musical numbers. And as images from the movies were projected larger-than-life on the buildings surrounding them. As Ethan just stared at it slack-jawed, not moving a muscle.

And it'd been Erin who reached and found Jay's hand that time – giving it a squeeze. He'd pulled his eyes away from the show to look at her. There was a question in it.

"Thank you," she said.

He scrunched his eyebrows. "For what?"

"For this," she said. "For doing something for him. That his brother couldn't. Wouldn't."

He just made a dismissive face and gave a little shrug. "It was selfish," he said.

But she shook her head and squeezed his hand tighter. "You aren't that."

And he wasn't. Not with her. Not with his time. Not with her brother. Not with her family. Their family.

And she saw that over and over again. She saw it sitting right in front of her right then – as he tiredly waited to get back to the car, as he held on to Ethan, and how she'd let him be the one to get them back to the hotel. To take his turn to drive. To lead. To direct them. Because he did know how. And he did a good job when she let him too.

The couple in front of them, though, on that tram just gave Jay and Ethan a sort of sad smile. One that Erin recognized as soon as she saw it and one that made her smile fade a little – because she instantly knew why they were there.

"Our son would've loved it too," the man said, giving Jay a weak smile. Jay actually met his eyes when he said it – and Erin knew with the slight shift in how he was holding himself that he'd just read the loss that was on their faces too.

"He was a real Daddy's Boy too," the woman tried to lighten it, nudging her husband a little – gently, lovingly, teasingly, like she only played along with all the Star Wars to-do and geekdom for him … or them … when their had been a little boy involved. Which was also something Erin understood. And she offered her own little smile to Jay – some quiet offer for happiness that he had "a boy" in his life to play "daddy" too.

Which wasn't something Erin made a habit of correcting. Because it really wasn't worth it. It wasn't a discussion to have with strangers. But in this case she felt the need to say something. So they knew.

So she reached and swiped at Eth's sweaty, matted buzz cut from earlier that day. And he'd just again squirreled into Jay – clearly wanting to be left alone. To sleep after all his excitement.

"He's definitely a Daddy's Boy," she acknowledged. Because he undisputedly was. And in so many ways – mostly good – he was so much like his dad. "But he's definitely Big Sister and Big-Brother-In-Law's Baby Bro too." The woman gave her a quiet look of acknowledgement and a little nod, almost an apology, so Erin offered, "But we have a mom who would've loved to be here too. And a brother who I think would be sad to be missing it."

And the woman's face changed again – and so did the man's – because they knew too. And she just offered them her own weak smile before sitting down. "You have a beautiful family," she said.

And Erin knew that to be true too. She really did.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: This is Part 2 of their day at the Disney Park. Par1 was posted yesterday.**

 **As mentioned in the previous AN, I'm likely going to take a bit of a break from the Florida chapters and work on some other things. But I will still write the Harry Potter chapter. I promise.**

 **For the ride people …**

 **Star Tours exists.**

 **Hyperspace Mountain exists at Disneyland.**

 **The Jedi Training show for kids exists.**

 **There are Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast and Frozen stuff at Hollywood Studios.**

 **The Toy Story ride exists.**

 **The Cars ride exists at one of the Disneyland Parks.**

 **The Great Movie Ride used to exist.**

 **The Animation Studio used to exist.**

 **The Launch Bay does exist — and it sometimes is set up as a restaurant and/or hosts a dessert party before the fireworks.**

 **The Hoopla Dance-Off is usually held at special Star Wars weekends/events. Of the past.**

 **The fireworks show exists.**

 **Tower of Terror exists.**

 **The Aerosmith rollercoaster exists.**

 **Guardians of the Galaxy will be opening in Disneyland soon. It is a replacement of the Tower of Terror ride — not a rollercoaster.**

 **And, finally, as usual, your reviews, comments and feedback are appreciated.**


	26. Breaking Barriers

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

 **THIS CHAPTER GOES AFTER WHAT IS CURRENTLY CHAPTER 25 — SOMETHING OF BEAUTY. They will be reordered eventually.**

 *****CONTENT WARNING**** This chapter is a MILD M for some reference to sexual interaction. There is no actual intercourse.**

Erin made a small sound against Jay's mouth as he slipped his hand down the front of her panties. He didn't go much farther than that. But she knew he was testing her reaction at that point. If she'd let him go farther or tell him they should call it a night. Or if she'd suggest they hop in the shower instead. Or tell him to go take a cold one.

Part of her knew they should call it a night. That they likely should've called it a night as soon as they got back to the hotel and got Ethan into bed. That they were both tired. That it'd been a long day in a lot of ways. From Ethan's meltdown in the morning. To dealing with emotional baggage about his M.S. and the chemo and the medical trial. To wading through his confused and conflicted feelings about the loss of his brother. For all that to only lead into Easter becoming a "tradition" and him shedding more than a few tears about being away from his dad and missing his mom.

It really hadn't been a great start to the day. When they'd had a really nice start to the day.

When her and Jay had lay in bed – resisting the urge to go help Eth and instead probably making too many looks and faces at each other in their quiet inside jokes and communication that didn't need any words – while they listened to Eth working at chopping up vegetables and scrambling up eggs for their breakfast. When he'd had everything so cutely set up on the dinky little coffee table for them. When he'd tried to make coffee (badly burned and very, very strong) for them with the unfamiliar mini-coffeemaker in their suite's kitchenette. When he'd wedged the oranges like they were on snack duty for his baseball team. When he'd toasted toast (also rather burnt – because he hadn't likely had toast in at least a couple years to know how to use a toaster or what anyone considered a reasonable amount of toasting as supposed to say … charcoal) and put it out with the jar of preserves she'd picked the other day in the buy two, get on "free" deal. But he hadn't been able to get the lid off and had come into the room and made an ick face at her and Jay laying on their sides and just looking at each other – and maybe just slightly holding each other – before he asked/told Jay to open it himself.

It'd been cute. All of it. His efforts. His meal. The Easter card that was more of a thank you card that he'd picked for them – that had Snoopy on it. Something he'd pointed out to them multiple times. Because maybe they didn't react enough about the cartoon dog. Or he thought they didn't realize who or what it as.

But it'd all just spun out when he got in the shower and some of his hair washed out in a noticeable clump. And that just served as an impetuses for likely a lot of things he had been thinking but hadn't been saying. And it'd just been tears, tears, tears.

Erin knew that Jay getting the Galactic Night tickets hadn't had anything to do with him predicting the potential of Easter Sunday going badly awry. That it'd just been something he wanted to include on the trip and a nice added surprise for Ethan. They would've gone to Hollywood Studios anyway for her baby brother to get his Star Wars fix. But getting to be there on the special event night – it'd been special. And it'd really been what helped pull him out of his funk.

Well, that and them taking Eth to the nearest barber shop they could find and just getting rid of what was left of his thin, fine, curly locks that had sort of grown back in last year – but never the same as that hair of Camille's he'd had as a little boy. It was more than the barbershop trip, though. Erin knew that too.

It was when they got back to the hotel and Jay had stood with him in the bathroom showing him how to apply the styling wax to the slightly longer strands of hair that Jay had stood up talking to the barber about. That Jay had gone and given the guy instructions on what numbered trimmers to use in buzzing off the sick kid's hair in to something that was somewhere between a crew cut and an undercut. A style that actually ultimately looked pretty cute on her baby brother even with the patches poking through. One that had made how much Ethan actually looked like Hank – not Camille – pop out in his squared features. A looked that somehow made him look a little bit older but also just highlighted too how much of a little boy he actually was.

Erin wasn't sure if Jay had gone and given those instructions about the close-cropped, near buzzed sides and the just slightly longer strands up top and even slightly longer wisps left of his fine bangs, to try to keep Eth from having to get comments about being a skin-head or a chemo-kid at school. Or if he was trying to leave something to hide some of the bald patches that a complete buzz cut would reveal. Or if he'd just heard the slight hesitance in Hank's voice on the phone when Erin had called him to let him know they were going to take Ethan to get the trimmers taken to his head in an attempt to stop the hair loss meltdown in its tracks. Because as much as Hank had hated when Ethan had his hair long and shaggy in an attempt to hide his scarred face and mangled ear, Erin knew he'd struggled even more when the medical trial – the M.S. – took Camille's wavy, golden locks from his son too.

Erin would've just told the barber to shave it all off. That a buzz cut was fine on a thirteen-year-old boy in Florida on his spring break and months away from his summer vacation where he'd be living in a baseball cap and out on the diamond and in the park and up in the bleachers every chance he got. That it really didn't make a difference when the trial was likely just going to keep taking it bit by bit now over the course of the year. Or the next four years. Or the rest of his life. So they might has well just take it off in one foul swoop. But Jay had more of an opinion.

And he'd given Eth a little crash course in styling in front of that mirror. Primping the kid's hair until he had little gels up spikes creating some layering to hide the bald spots and pushed up bangs that gave him the permanent baseball cap look that her baby brother so desired. That made her brother smile. And again, somewhere in all of that – that nervous smile – she'd seen Justin in there too. When he was that age. When he really did care – what people thought of him and how he was going to fit in – even though he tried to hard not to care. And she'd seen Jay that quite, shy smile on her brother too. In those messy spikes and layering that were trying to look like he hadn't done anything more than run his fingers through bed-head but had clearly been much more involved than that.

And it'd been how Jay had somehow organized their afternoon and evening so that Eth thought he had some sort of say and control in their activities when the whole fucking night had been so perfectly routed and mapped and timed. In the kind of organization that was military precision but was also the underlying reason that Jay had remained an asset in Hank's Intelligence team. Organization, planning – above all else. How he'd staggered their activities between standing in lines and sitting in shows. Between outdoor time and air conditioning. So her baby brother had all the breaks and downtime he needed for them to survive the nearly ten hours they'd been in the park. How he'd known where every bathroom was. And water fountain. How the couple times that Ethan had acted up a bit and given them some of that tween tone or the bit of whining – it'd been Jay who'd shut it down. Briskly and effectively. In a way that Eth had listened – but maybe hadn't even realized he had.

It'd been how he'd managed to schedule their exhibit tour and character meet and greet and dinner at the exact time they needed to stop. How if they'd kept standing in lines and charging through the park at that point, Ethan likely would've been done for. But instead, they'd spent the last few hours of their night just … enjoying each others company while pretending to be in a galaxy far, far away. How they got to sit and absorb it all while Ethan geeked out.

It was how Jay dealt with the chef – and with Ethan – at dinner. How when the chef had come over asking about their "padawan's" dietary requirements – it'd been Jay who'd sat up straighter and fielded the questions and given the answers about what Eth could and couldn't eat. And he'd given them as accurately – if not more accurately – than she likely would've. It was him who'd at with Ethan after looking over the menu under the dim light and helping him read it and reminding him again about what the chef had said he could and couldn't do to make different menu items something Eth could eat.

And he'd effectively let her just sit back and enjoy the evening – that was likely ranked as one of the days on the trip she was less than excited about. But he'd made it all tolerable. It'd made it more than tolerable. He'd let her not just enjoy the stupid Star Wars stuff and the stupider Disney stuff – he'd let her just enjoy being with them. Enjoy both of them. Even though she'd known there'd been point that afternoon and evening … and night … that he'd been struggling with the crowds and the noise. That she could see it in his body language. That she could see him giving himself little mental reminders and pep talks. Focusing himself and isolating himself and centering himself and focusing on his breathing.

But also just focusing so much of himself on Ethan. And her. And pushing through. And still managing to smile and have a good time and be silly and goofy despite the triggers or discomforts he was experiencing. And she knew he had to work for that. To practice it and push for it. But he'd done it.

And that'd meant a lot. To her. To Ethan. To the family they were. And maybe someday would be. To their relationship.

And it was somewhere in that evening – that she'd felt those twinges of love for him, where she knew she was falling in love with him just a little bit more. If that was possible. That she was reminded again – and again – what a nice guy he was. What a good guy he was – for all his flaws. And for all the times he sometimes hurt or frustrated her with the walls and barriers and lack of communication skills they had in their relationship. That he still was giving and loving and caring. Even with the baggage he carried.

And whether it was him insisting that Wookie's were sexy or when he'd made those eyes at her while he was being a tease while waiting for Guardians of the Galaxy, she didn't know. But it'd been somewhere in that evening that it'd just become a given to her that they'd be making love that night. Not because he was cute or sexy – in a Wookie or Star Lord or Groot or Han Solo or Rocket Raccoon or Kermit the Frog kind of way. Just because … she wanted to be with him. Because his qualities as a man were more sexy than what any of those fictional characters embodied.

So when they'd crawled into bed – exhausted – but he'd still leaned over for a small goodnight peck, she'd purposely let it grow into more. Not that she'd had to encourage him too much. Though, she could feel his fatigue too, they'd both settled into the mattress and under the covers and kissed.

And they'd more than kissed. They'd held each other. And stroked each other. And pleasured each other. Gently and quietly. It hadn't been hurried. Or rushed. Or urgent. And she suspected he'd thought from the get that there'd reach a point that she'd tell him that she was just ready to sleep. That the day was exhausting. And the touch was comforting. That she was relaxed and content and ready to close her eyes.

But she wanted more than that that evening. Even though she wouldn't have been upset if that was all he wanted. Because she knew there were triggers for him in the evening. She knew that the night itself was long enough. But with dealing with the crowds, he'd be mentally spent in another way. And when he was like that, sometimes he just needed – or wanted – space. So she had again been letting him take the lead and direct how the night was going to go.

And he'd finally decided to move beyond the kissing. The touching. Even though, he'd been pressing so close to her, she knew that he likely could've hurried them along sometime ago. That he could've made this a quickie, if he wanted. For them to just get some vacation sex and have that hurried release just lead to them crashing out into their sleep even more.

But he hadn't. Until now. Until his hand slipping into the front of her panties. To him just resting his fingers there on her pubic mound. So close – but so far – from where she'd actually like them to be. Him just waiting for her reaction to decide if he was going to move them farther down. If he'd flick at her and caress her and stroke her down there before dipping his fingers ever farther and gathering her wetness – to make his movement feel even more fluid. Or maybe he'd curl them right inside of her. Which would only make her breath catch even more.

She made that decision for him, though. She broke the kiss and touched his cheek. Meeting his eyes. He just looked at her. Heavy arousal had settled into his eyelids and she could see mild apprehension his dilated pupils that it was going to be now that she told him she was ready to go to bed.

But that wasn't what she was ready for. "Just taking them off," she told him.

He gazed at her for a long beat. His hand slipping out of her panties and settling on his hip. But not moving to shimmy them down. Even though she was ready to lift her ass to help him do that. She was about ready to just take that task on herself. And to spread her legs for him and to tug at his waist until he settled onto her and eased himself into her. Until she could feel his weight above her and feel him inside her. And hear his breathing and his heart and feel that other pulse radiating at her core – with her.

"Did you want to move to the shower?" he whispered – much quieter than she'd just spoken to him.

But she shook her head and rubbed at his cheek again. "He's out Jay," she assured, because he was always so nervous that Ethan was going to catch them. At home. At Hank's. The cabin. There – now, on vacation. And he acted like that might permanently scar her little brother. Or it'd at least permanently harm the relationship he had with Ethan. But she didn't think that would be quite the way it would play. If it ever did happen. But she didn't think that was something they had to worry about that night. At all. "We'll be fine."

She could see him processing that. Him thinking about how he felt about that. Him weighing whether he wanted the locked door. Or whether he wanted the comfort of the bed. If he wanted to deal with the slippery hotel tub again. Or cringe about the bathroom counter top and his apparent inability to not see himself in the mirror – because he refused to have sex with his eyes closed.

So he nodded. And he gave her a little smile. But then he moved. Rolling away from her slightly and she grabbed his elbow as his back turned to her. He looked back.

"Hey," she cocked her eyebrow. "Where you going?"

He arched his eyebrow right back. "Condoms," he put to her.

But she shook her head and slide her hand down to grip at his fingers where they'd gone to pressing into the mattress. "We don't need them," she assured him.

And his brow creased and she saw him work to process that too. And Erin just wedged her fingers under his and gripped his hand. And he let her. He returned the grip. Shifting just slightly on the bed to look at her a bit more with question and confusion and maybe a touch of anticipation. Because it had been a while since they'd done it without condoms.

Not since the fall. Not since they'd decided that it wasn't the best time to be trying. Or for them to have any unexpected surprises again. To not have to deal with that stress and pain again – still – on top of everything else they were going through. Not since they'd talked again during bump season and at the beginning of the New Year and decided that it just didn't make sense to even try until they got the work situation sorted out. That they were going to be careful and contentious for now. Extra careful.

Even though they both liked the closeness – the intimacy – of not using the condoms. Even though Jay had way to awkwardly admitted to her that she was the first woman he'd ever had sex with without a condom. And that it'd been a little hard for him to switch back to them using the add protection – at her inability to be as careful with the pills as she should be but her … and his – hesitation about switching to some other method of contraception.

"I'm not … saying I'm going to stop taking the pill," she managed after eyeing him. And those eyes. "I'm just … saying that … like you said the other night … that … our future, our family … the planning around that. It's something that we should be talking about again. And I think … maybe taking down one of the barriers we put up for ourselves … or between ourselves. It's … not a bad thing. And … if something happens again … now … I think … we've got this. We'll be good at it. Or … at least … we'll be OK."

And that smile of his – that looked so good on him, that she loved so much – got a bit bigger. And he squeezed her hand a bit more.

"Are you sure?" he asked her.

Because he always did. Verbally or non-verbally. There was always that ask. Always that opportunity to change her mind. Almost like he still expected her to some day. But she didn't think she would. That she could.

"Yea," she nodded.

Because she was sure. This trip. That night. This man. It all made her very sure. That she – they – were moving in the right direction. That they'd get there. That they'd be OK when they did. That it was going to work out. And that they'd … likely be better at all that came with it than either of them thought.

So maybe it was best to slowly start letting nature … or life … or the universe … start taking its course. One step at a time.

And he just smiled wider. And he came back to bed. And his mouth returned to hers. And his arms embraced her. And she was with him.

And in that moment – that was really all she wanted. For then. And she thought, likely, for always. Because they were going to be just fine. Whatever that was. Even if it meant sometimes gritting your teeth and standing with your elbows out. They would be. And they'd still be able to laugh and be silly and manage to maintain control along the way – even because of, or maybe in spite of – those moments of instability where they had to remind themselves they were OK and given themselves a pep talk through it. But she also knew it was those moments – they were going to be the ones that made her love her more than she thought she already did.

And that was OK too.

 **AUTHOR NOTE:**

 **OK readers … I'm not sure if this is a FanFiction quirkiness thing or just the depressing reality that if/when I'm not writing Lindstead focused chapters or fluffy/light chapters, I just don't get any comments.**

 **But I from the stats I can see that the readers on the last chapter (Bag of Bones) were like stupid low. Like about 10x lower than usual. And the past three chapters (Mad Skills, Dual Suspension and Bag of Bones) have basically received no reviews or comments. Mad Skillz got a few. I have gotten none for Dual Suspension and one for Bag of Bones.**

 **As usual, it gets sort of depressing when you can see how many readers you do have and you get no comments when there are lots. It's also depressing when you have a lot of readers one chapter and then like none the next. It's confusing. And it makes you feel like it must've sucked bad. Which can be harder if it's a chapter you either put a lot of time and work into, or it was one you were super happy with how it turned out or the issue, topic, character or backstory you got to explore.**

 **I will allow that I posted Mad Skills, Dual Suspension and Bag of Bones all within about 36 hours. And I know Fanfic can sometimes be quirky when you are posting more than one thing in a 24 hour period. So maybe just a lot of you missed them. Even though they've been up several days or more at this point.**

 **So, I'll again say, that it's nice to get some feedback. Whether by reviews or DM.**

 **I'm also going to say that between FF weirdness and some disillusionment about the kind of things that people seem to want to read and the apparently declining readership and feedback, I am setting up a fanfic account over on Wattpad. As some of you know, I do write there already. But this will be a specific fanfic account. I am going to see if the readership and feedback and the kind of stories the reader-base is interested in over there is any different.**

 **For now, I'm just posting things that have previously been written. I will continue to post here too. But depending on how it goes, I might ultimately make the switch. So this is forewarning that may be coming. Potentially.**

 **As for other fair warning, the next several chapters aren't going to be particularly light. They are going to be some pretty heavy, hard stuff for everyone. And Ethan is going to be put through a bit of a wringer again. But it will lead to some meaningful discussions and moments for him and for the other characters — both with him and each other as well.**

 **If that's too heavy for me, I do have other chapters that I have mentioned previously that I'll be working on. And I will eventually still do the Harry Potter chapter and the Ethan getting home to Hank Florida chapters.**

 **As usual … your readership is appreciated. Much appreciation to the one guest reviewer who did review Bag of Bones. Because, also as usual, your reviews, comments and feedback is appreciated — and motivating.**


	27. Pairing and Comparing

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

 **PLACEMENT: THE MUCH AWAITED HARRY POTTER CHAPTER! THIS CHAPTER COMES IMMEDIATELY AFTER CHAPTER 26 - Breaking Barriers.**

Jay grinned at Erin. She was standing there, restlessly tugging at the edges of the bills her had gripped in her fingers while she gazed up at the drink signage – like she'd never ordered a drink before. She seemed completely stunned by it. And it was making him smile. Maybe too much. Because she must've sensed his gaze and glanced at him, her forehead crunching in a way that was also kind of cute – not that he'd tell her that – even though there was a touch of disapproval and question wrapped up in the look before.

"It looks like you're making a very serious decision," he raised his eyebrow at her.

She just made a little noise and turned her eyes back to the placard as they waited in the never-ending line that was barely inching forward.

"It is a serious decision," she said. "Look at the prices."

And he made his own sound. But stopped himself short of telling her that they were on vacation, that it was a theme park, that it was something she wanted to do, it was something she was doing for Eth. That the whole trip was a slurge, that they didn't know when – if – they'd ever get back. So make the slurge. Enjoy it. It was why they were there.

But they'd already had that conversation that day. He was surprised when it'd happened. When her and Eth had been debating between a regular old wand or an interactive wand. When they both came with obscene prices – but the interactive one was definitely more obscene. But she'd still looked at him then too. For permission. To spend the fifty bucks. When she wasn't one to ask permission. When she'd been raised by a guy who preached that sometimes it was better to give an apology (not that Jay really believed that Voight was one to give an apology, though he did occasionally admit he was wrong) than it was to ask permission. That Erin pretty much lived her life in a way that tried to project her independence. That she didn't need anyone – especially a man (even though Jay knew that that act was just one of the many walls she put up. She might not need a 'man' but she definitely needed – and wanted – people in her life. Sometimes more than she'd let herself admit.). That she didn't wait around on other people to make decisions for her – or let them make decisions that affected her.

And the bigger irony outside of all that was was that she was looking at him for permission to spend fifty bucks. Fifty bucks when he didn't want to even quite admit to himself yet how much he'd spent on their Star Wars Galactic Night. So, Erin – buy the fucking wand.

He actually didn't know how they couldn't buy the wand. Not when the wand had "chosen" them. Jay wasn't sure if it was the highlight of the trip – but it was definitely on the list of at least the highlights of the day. He knew it'd be something Erin and Eth would be talking about forever. That it'd be a memory that they'd share together – between themselves – for a long time to come. And maybe that was even more reason to buy the fucking wand.

Jay had been kind of … unenthusiastic wasn't the right word … but he just wasn't all that into the whole Harry Potter thing. He knew it was the whole reason they were making the trip. He got why Erin had hatched the plan to try to direct and distract some of the negativity and anger Eth had swirling in his life in the fall. He appreciated that the Harry Potter books was something that Voight's wife had shared with Erin. Something the two of them had had together and a way to sort of connect with her and to ease her into the family. Jay got why Erin wanted to share that with Eth too.

But Harry Potter? He was really kind of take-it or leave-it. More on the leave-it side of things. He hadn't even read any of the books or seen much beyond a few scenes of the movies. And that was fine by him. Even with the whole "book club" they'd started with Eth, he'd admit he left most of the reading part to Erin and just endured the movies as they finished each book. Though, he was sort of feeling now like maybe he ought to at least crack the cover on a few of the books. Get caught up with the two of them. It wouldn't take long. Eth wasn't exactly a speedy reader.

But now, standing in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, and watching the looks on Erin and Eth's face. Just fucking wonderment. And happiness. These shared little inside jokes and Easter Eggs they were picking up as they walked through the place. It was pretty fucking awesome. Different – maybe even better – than watching Eth in Jurassic Park or getting is own geek on with the kid at Galactic Nights. Getting to observe it in her – to hear it in her voice, to see the way Eth looked at her, the way he smiled when Erin just kept on sharing these quiet little tidbits about the kid's mom when Jay hadn't heard her say much about her ever before – it was better. So fucking better. Maybe the best part of the trip yet.

He'd admit that he still wasn't feeling all that enthusiastic about it when they made their way into the park that morning. Or maybe it was more that to get to Harry Potter Land they had to walk through the entire park. And even more it was that they had to walk by all the rides and shows and exhibits that Jay's fourteen-year-old self wanted to see. Jaws. Back to the Future. All the disaster movies. King Kong. Alfred Hitchcock. Beetlejuice. Blues Brothers. Ghostbusters. Transformer. The sort of things you related to pop culture from when he was growing up. And the rides that he was pretty aware he likely wasn't going to get to see or experience. Because their vacation really was disappearing into a black hole at this point. It was going by so quickly. And there just wasn't going to be time.

The reality was too, that they were there for Ethan and they'd likely defer to him about what shows and exhibits and rides and whatnot he still wanted to see. That they'd likely have to accommodate a return trip over to Jurassic Park. And that there were still other things they wanted to do besides Universal. There were still things that Erin wanted to do. Though, she really hadn't put forward much of anything she wanted to do beyond this – taking her baby brother into the Wizarding World. And then she'd expressed some interest in getting out to the coast. Seeing the ocean. Going back with something that resembled a tan, because she'd decided she was "pasty". Her words, not his. Jay didn't think she was that bad – that pale or that white – as she thought. But she was generally her worst critic about that kind of stuff. And Jay honestly didn't think what kind of sun they got on the trip was going to make much of a difference, because he'd seen Erin with her version of a "tan" before. It wasn't exactly tan either. And he'd pretty much decided that her complexion had a whole lot more to do with growing up for years in a state of malnutrition combined with Chicago weather. Or more – Chicago winters. A day at the beach wasn't going to fix that.

But, if she wanted a day at the beach – they'd do that too. Because he'd gotten his day at the Space Center. He'd gotten his night sharing Star Wars stuff with Eth at Hollywood Studios. And Erin deserved to get what she wanted out of this trip too. And if that was a day (or two) in Harry Potter World and a day laying in the sand (something Jay had never really seen much of an appeal in since being in Afghanistan) – that that's what they'd do.

And that was fine. More than fine because that little boy in him that had longed to do some of the rides they'd walked by had shut-up by the time they got to the entrance of Diagon Alley. More specifically, they'd stood in gob smacked amazement at the entrance to Diagon Alley for a good ten minutes. If they'd been impressed with the immersive detail of the other parks they'd been in so far – and they had – this just took it to a whole different level. Diagon Alley might as well actually exist. They were standing right in it. Gazing at all the shops windows from the movies – and presumably from the books.

They'd managed to barely peel themselves away to have breakfast at Leaky Cauldron because Erin – or Eth … or maybe the two of them – had decided they were going to experience the whole Wizarding World as chronologically accurately to Harry Potter as they could. And, Jay'd been pretty fucking sure in that restaurant that once again, it was going to be fucking hard to peel themselves out of the seats to look around more. Part of that was because the place again just looked like you were transported into another world – some rural little British backwater pub. The other part of that was the food. Eth had been way too fucking impressed that he'd gotten real pancakes – that were fluffy – with real maple syrup. Jay had been pretty sure that the kid was going to be wanting a second plate. And, he'd feel about the same, if he hadn't ended up eating part of Erin's plate when she'd decided she was way too American too enjoy a traditional English breakfast. That was fine. He was happy to relieve her plate of its black pudding and beans for her. Though, it'd ended up being a kind of a heavy breakfast.

Though, they'd had some time to work it off and for it to settle before they hit any of the rides. Because when they had peeled themselves out of the Leaky Cauldron, the next stop in their Harry Potter tour had been Gringotts' Money Exchange – because apparently it was necessary for Eth to get rid of his Muggle money to fully enjoy the rest of his day.

It'd been humorous. And well done. It'd definitely looked like a bank – either out of the history books or at least the movies - and the animatronics goblins at the tills had been fully interactive. Jay suspected they must have cameras and mics in the room to pick up what guests were asking and say – and even doing – to get the things to react according to some buttons being pressed by eavesdroppers backstage somewhere.

They hadn't fully realized how interactive the things were until him and Eth were standing up near one of them and Erin had used her flash on her phone to take a picture and the thing had bellowed at them. Eth had near jumped out of his skin. Jay had told the thing to take it down a notch and had gotten told off. But it'd opened up a rapid-fire of questions at the thing about Harry Potter and complete and utter randomness that only a thirteen-year-old kid could come up with. All of which they'd gotten told was "not my area of expertise". Though, they had received a unique answer for every other one – until the thing had gotten annoyed again and told them to move along. They actually were moving along until Eth had remembered the reason they were there – to get his Wizard money.

"Hey, wait! What about our money?" he'd said.

And the goblin had still picked up they were talking to him and had spewed off something about how the exchange worked. Jay was not in the know about the Harry Potter denominations but Erin had handed Eth a ten and he'd received a bank note. More like a piece of paper with a 10 printed on it. But he seemed thrilled that he now could spend it in the rest of the park during the day. Jay knew that $10 bucks wouldn't get far in Universal.

They'd queued through the rest of the bank after that to get on the Escape from Gringott's ride after that. Even the fucking queue had been another completely immersive experience – every step of the way. Paintings on the wall – enchanted moving and talking. More animatronics goblins. Full armor – made goblin size, some of it moving too. Having to get their "security photo" taken by a camera that looked like one of those old originals before they were allowed into the vaults. And then weaving their way (supposedly) down, down, down underneath the bank. The ornate building they'd been in looking more and more like a dungeon as they progressed in the line.

They passed animated newspapers – with more moving pictures – and headlines that warned about the state of the Wizarding World. Just like every other ride they'd been on, it felt like they spent more time than most just looking at all the little displays and intricacies. That Eth was happy to take in each one. To have them help him read and see the newspapers. To watch each little animation as they inched forward. Only that day Erin seemed more patient. She was less likely to be the one to hurry him along after they barely moved for minutes at a time. She was taking her time too. Her and Eth pointing and babbling about the books and movies. Erin explaining some things that were happening because even though Harry went into the vaults in the first book – so they were doing it at the beginning of their day – the ride was set in one of the later books that Eth hadn't yet gotten to, so he was missing some of the references. He was only on book five. Order of the Phoenix. Had only seen up to the fourth movie on their movie nights – because Erin refused to let him watch the rest despite the trip because she didn't want him to ruin the books even though Eth kept telling her that he already knew what happened. But he seemed to have not snuck ahead when he was home. The ride was apparently set in the seventh book – and the eighth movie – and Eth clearly didn't have all the pieces of the puzzle together to entirely follow along.

Erin seemed happy with that, though. Happy to just be sharing with her little brother. Happier than he'd seen her in a while. Just relaxed. Just clearly valuing the time. And she just kept telling Eth these little bits about his mom. Over and over. About times Camille had taken her to the book launch. About reading them together – and their own little Harry Potter book club. About how much his mom liked the books. About how she'd read all of them out loud to Justin. How she'd been excited about hearing Universal was going to open a park. How she'd said some day they'd do a family vacation there. How Erin was just really glad to get to be sharing the books and the movies and the park and the vacation with Eth. How Camille would be really happy about it too – she thought.

Eavesdropping on that was almost better than the queue. Maybe even better than the ride. Because Jay was just … glad Erin had real people in her. Real parents. A real mother who wasn't Bunny. A good role model. Someone who'd really, clearly fucking tried and fucking cared. And just added all that example to the person Erin already was. The friend and partner and fiancée and sister and daughter. Just the full package.

There was other eavesdropping going on in the queue, though. Shadowy conversations on the opposite side of doors – with characters and voices that Erin was able to pinpoint for them all. They'd finally reached the office of the goblin that was assigned to taking them down into the vaults. Another full multimedia presentation had ensued. It'd been about the only place so far at Universal that hadn't been set up in a way that Eth had been able to see much of anything. So Jay had guided the kid over to the far wall – out of the way – and closer to the front, and then hoisted him up on his back in piggy-back. Eth's arms and crutches dangling against his chest while the kid rested his fucking pointy chin against his shoulder and just stared – without moving, entirely transfixed – for the entire little show. A move that had earned a squeeze of his hand from Erin – who then gripped it, keeping a hold of it for the rest of the display too.

When the necessary keys were finally located, they were instructed to head to the "lifts". But they lingered where they were – gazing at the goblin's office and waiting to again take up the rear of the group they'd been attached to. While waiting for the elevators a warning had come on that "Muggles" might find the journey to the vaults to be a "high speed rollercoaster ride". Eth had cringed a bit at that but they'd reminded him that he'd survived Guardians of the Galaxy in the dark – and it had been a literal rollercoaster. All their reading about Gringotts said it wasn't really a rollercoaster. And even though it hadn't been, Jay still thought they likely should've put off the ride a bit (at the risk of longer lines) to give their stomachs a bit more of a chance to settle after breakfast.

Eth's hesitance about the ride grew when a goblin listed off a shitload of medical conditions that shouldn't ride. But he'd still gotten on the elevator. It was more little theatrical effects to make it look like they were headed down to the depths of the earth when they weren't. But Eth still gazed upward in complete fascination with it. The kid just constantly wanted to know how things were done and how it worked. Jay was surprised Eth didn't have every piece of electronic everything in Voight's house constantly ripped apart to see how it was made.

Jay could tell that Eth was still second-guessing if he was going to ride, though. But when they got to the carts, he'd decided they were lying about it being a rollercoaster. That it looked just like a motion simulator and kind of like the carts made to look like terrain jeeps over on the Indominus ride. So he was in. He seemed relieved. And so did Erin.

Though, Jay thought they both looked a little green when they got off. The ride was definitely a little violent in its cranes and whips and jerks. It didn't exactly help that it was in the dark and involved 3D glasses and lots of things happening on screens as they darted by. With the way Eth's eyes worked, that just wasn't the best combination. But he still seemed to have gleefully enjoyed it.

It started your anticipation quick. Sending you just a short way down the track before it suddenly started to click, click, click and you watched it adjust for an unknown decent into darkness. And then you were plowing downward into the darkness before all the action on the screens engulfed you. The carts they were in rotated and rumbled and jerked around as they moved around the depths of the vault trying to help Harry, Ron and Hermione – and tried to escape Voldemort, Bellatrix and a bunch of other attacking trolls, spiders, and dementors. Strobes, smoke, wind and flashes – it was another bit of sensory overload. But Eth was still all smiles – even if he was a little pale - as the lap bars came up at the end.

"Again?" he put to Erin.

She'd smiled widely and looked at Jay – again that silent ask for the unnecessary permission. It was her day – her thing. The thing she wanted to do with Eth. He stopped asking while at Galactic Nights. Even though he knew they weren't hitting all the things she wanted to do – or that maybe she didn't really want to do that park at all. But she'd come. She'd been there. She'd enjoyed the time – with him and Eth. And them interacting with all the Star Wars shit. And it was the same. He was getting to experience all this through them. And that wasn't a bad thing. They were fun to watch too. It was always good to have an excuse to look at Erin without her getting all … whatever about it.

"Should do it now," he said. "Before the lines get crazy."

So they had. Slightly faster. Though, maybe a little greener after they got off. Eth had been quite pleased that he'd gotten "spoilers" for his upcoming reads. Erin had used it to try to nudge him to read a bit faster. He sort of waxed and waned with it. Especially now that he was into the thicker books. The one he was working on now was over 700 pages, and that was a little much for a kid who struggled to get through the 250 page young adult novels. But Jay knew Eth would feel a sense of accomplishment when he did manage to slog through the remaining books – all of them pretty thick on one of the shelves at the townhouse.

They'd wandered some of the shops on Diagon Alley after that. Following in Harry's footsteps to shop for school supplies. Though, it was more that Eth was on a mission to find something for Eva and her brother. And that Burgess had asked Erin to pick up a couple things for her niece. They'd spent the most time in the rode shop. Eth and Erin had both tried them on. They'd tried to get him to too but he wasn't quite into being that tacky about the whole theme park visit. It was taking it to another level. So he'd been tasked with being their fashion photographer instead. And responsible for sending some of the shots off to Voight. He wasn't sure those shots would be on the list of ones the guy wanted to see. But maybe you never know. If there had been talk years ago about a family vacation to the Wizarding World – something that Jay had trouble imagining Voight ever placing himself in – but maybe he would want to see at least two of his kids, his family, was finally getting that vacation.

There hadn't been any talk about getting the robes. Thankfully. Too fucking tacky. Erin would agree. Though, she had walked away with a bag at the Magical Menagerie store. Another one they'd spent too much time in with Erin and Eth geeking out about all the creatures in the Wizarding World – these ones stuffed versions. Their browsing wasn't sped up any because they kept getting distracted with yet another little show in there. The naming of each and every Pygmy Puff purchased. And it seemed like about every second little girl to come into the place wanted one of those ass-ugly over-sized florescent cotton balls.

Thankfully it wasn't a Pygmy Puff that Erin had bought. It might've earned similar comments as the ones she'd made about the Star Wars tshirts she'd vetoed. But she'd gotten a snowy owl for Henry. Something that she'd again said she was pretty sure Camille would've purchased for her grandson if she'd been there with them. And he wasn't going to argue with that. Eth wasn't a toddler and wasn't a big stuffed toy kid – and never had been, it seemed – but he seemed quite taken with the owl and excited to get to give it to their nephew.

Eth had been sure to point out that Harry got ice cream on his first trip to Diagon Alley when they'd walked by Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Palour. The excuse that'd been provided was that he didn't need ice cream at 10 a.m. (nor did they want to risk dairy and sugar entering his system all in one go –that might be asking too much of his weakened body when they were already testing its boundaries that week). But Jay actually thought it had more to do with Earl Grey and Lavender ice cream not sounding remotely appetizing – especially when it came with a $8 price tag for a cone.

Eth had dropped it, though. He clearly knew it wasn't a boundary worth arguing about. Or maybe he was really just more focused on hitting up his and Erin's next priority - Ollivander's was the next priority. Stepping inside that shop had been a trip. He hadn't really understood why they were waiting in line twenty minutes to look at wands but he'd shut the fuck up about it. And as soon as they got in the door, he'd understood. Because it looked like they were standing on the set of the movie. They were right there. Just like they'd been right there in the Discovery Center over in Jurassic Park this was as real – more real – than anything they'd seen on the screen. Piles and piles of wands towering on all the shelves that surrounded them. Dim lit lanterns and candles casting off the light in the cramped space that bordered on claustrophobic – something he'd had to just slightly still himself in to manage, checking for all the exits and finding a decent space so he could keep his back to the wall and not get knocked around from multiple directions. To maintain a nice little bubble of personal space as best he could.

But that'd again been something he'd been able to push back a bit – set down – when it became apparent that this wasn't just an overcrowded shopping experience for an overpriced wand. It was actually a little show.

They shop keeper – the keeper of the wands – had set up a whole little spiel about a "wand pairing", reminding them that the wand chooses a wizard. Erin had searched for him when that was happening and gestured for him to come and stand with her and Eth closer to the front. Sticking close to Eth usually allowed them a bit of an extra personal space in a crowd because most people seemed to steer clear of the cripple kid. And if they didn't – Erin was there to elbow them out of the way so Eth had room to maneuver. But Jay had only shaken his head. They were close to the front. The show had started. He was going to have wade through a swarm of people to get to them and he likely was still going to be crowded and jostled around over there even if Eth did have a bit of a bubble. Erin had raised an eyebrow at him, a silent question about if he was okay. He just nodded. He was. He was just going to stay put.

Though, he sort of wished he hadn't because the wand keeper had proceeded to pick someone out of the crowd to be paired with their wand. It'd been Eth.

Jay was pretty sure that the kid had again gotten some attention because of his visible disability – the crutches, the scars, the mangled ear, the thick goggles they had on him instead of glasses for their days in the park – and maybe because of the disability assistance band he had around his wrist and the ticket hanging in the lanyard off his neck.

Eth getting centered out so much on this trip wasn't exactly something that any of them were entirely comfortable with but it'd also reached the point that they'd accepted it was a privilege they needed to use sometimes to make the trip manageable. Something they needed to use to make sure they could see as much of the parks as possible – because Eth couldn't put in 10-, 12-, 16-hour days inside their gates. Six was pushing it. And as uncomfortable or self-conscious it maybe made any of them – they were also starting to accept that some of the little perks were nice.

And the reality was that Eth didn't get a whole lot of perks in regular, everyday life at home – so they might as well just right it off as part of the holiday. Part of the vacation experience. And for all the bullshit Eth dealt with with his health and his appointments and the tests and treatment and poking and prodding and school and shitty little kids – he'd more than earned getting some privileges and expectations once and a while.

But the kid still played shy with it a bit. The kid still didn't like people looking at him or centering him out. And that had been the route he'd gone that morning. He'd given quiet answers when the guy had asked if he was there for his wand. He'd given an even quieter answer when the man asked his name.

"Ethan," the guy said, "ah, yes, I've been expecting you."

Eth gazed at him but then looked at Erin. "Maybe you should help my sister get her wand. She knows more about magic and stuff."

But Erin just gave Eth a little nudge. "But you're the boy who lived," she told him, "and he's been expecting you."

"Erin …" Eth sighed a little.

The guy seemed to catch on to Eth's apprehension . Or maybe it was more the look Erin gave him – or the words she'd used, the stated but unstated story of why they were there, what had happened to Eth, and why she wanted to share this experience wit him, not just for her or him but for someone who wasn't there – but he'd caught on without missing a beat.

"Oh, yes," he nodded. "Ethan _and Erin_. I'm glad to know you've brought your sister. I have been expecting you both. For many years."

He gave Erin another little nod and gestured for them both to come forward out of the crowd. They had, going to stand in the front. An angle that wasn't great for Jay to get any pictures or video from where he was standing, but he'd almost rather be watching it anyway. Though, Erin seemed a little disappointed that more of the experience hadn't been caught on tape. He got that. But he also just wanted to see it and remember it more. Experience it with them – because they both looked so nervously excited. Awkward to participate in this little bit of make-believe but loving it at the same time.

They'd had their "wand arms" measured as the shopkeeper went over the various possibilities of what might end up at the core of their wands. Not just their arms. Their index fingers and their head and the space between their eyes.

The wand keeper had first pulled out a birch wand with unicorn hair at its core – or so he claimed – and handed it to Eth. He'd instructed him on a spell –that was supposed to open the drawers on a tall wooden filing cabinet. It'd definitely opened the drawers – VIOLENTLY. Nearly the whole cabinet started flying open and slamming shut.

"Hmm, that is not your wand," he'd directed at the kid, who finally was managing a bit of a smile, as it was pulled it out of his hand. "Don't worry. Your wand is here. We will find it."

The next one was handed to Erin. A wand of ivy with dragon heart-strings at the core. Jay wasn't too sure that wood of ivy suited either of her very well, but he thought the concept of the highly fake dragon heart-strings sounded much cooler than some fucking unicorn hair.

That time the spell was supposed to make a wand box levitate off an upper shelf down to them. Instead Erin had managed to send multiple shelves in the shop cascading – sending the audience standing under them to jump and hold their hands above their heads. Though, the theatrical trick didn't send any actually tumbling down. A simple flick of the wrist and the wand keeper had the whole toppled shelf fixed.

"Well, definitely not your wand," he told her and tugged it away from them.

He'd gone back to Eth again. This time the kid got a wand of holly with a phoenix tail feather core. The kid just glowed at that. Jay didn't get it. But had later been told that it was the wand Harry Potter had so Eth had thought it was definitely what they paired everyone with in the wand shop.

It had definitely not been his wand, though. Instructed to make a flower pot's buds bloom, Eth had instead caused them all to droop over and die – until to magically be restored to their full height and open tulips by the wand keeper as he again retrieved the wand from Eth, who seemed a little reluctant to give it up but relented.

Erin's next effort was a wand of hawthrone with a unicorn hair core. She was asked to ring the bell above the shop's door – just once. It hadn't. Well it had – but then it'd kept swinging until it sounded like Cathedral bells were ringing all around them.

The shop keeper had clapped his hands with some glee. "Not your wand, but I feel we're getting close," he said as Erin returned that one. "The best results always come when there's the strongest ability between the wizard and the wand."

Harry Potter's magically little jingle had come up at that. The music filling the space. The guy had pulled a dusty box out from under the counter – blowing it off to give the full effect. And then another.

An ivy wand with phoenix tail feathers at its core had been handed to Erin first. And then he gave careful, slow and delicate examination to the second box before pulling it out and presenting it to Eth.

"A wand of rowan. Sixteen inches, with phoenix feathers at its core," he said handing it to the kid.

Just as it had gotten handed to Eth and his fingers wrapped around it, the a spotlight and wind came up around him. Not that it was really needed – his face had lit up as soon as he had it in his grasp but this just highlighted it even more.

"Ahhh! A perfect fit! How wonderful for you both!" the guy had declared. He clearly loved his job a little too much. Or was an expert at acting like he did. But Jay didn't care. As fucking tacky as it was – seeing Eth like that, seeing Erin like that – it was worth it.

It was worth it to hear the guy tell Eth too: "A wand like that tells me that you are strong-willed and you will be successful in life. You are destined to make your mark."

Because sometimes that was a message that Eth really needed to hear from more than them. That he needed fucking reaffirmed for him from more than just family. And because – it was the truth. A kid doesn't make it through as much as Eth had been through so far in thirteen years without having a whole level of toughness, stubbornness and fortitude in them. Eth had that and it would eventually pay dividends for the kid. Jay made himself believe that.

The shop keeper had given Erin a quiet smile too. "An ivy wand is a wand of healing," he told her. "It is for the strong and resilient. Very determined you must be. And a very good friend."

"She is …" Eth told the guy quietly.

And it'd only been too appropriate too. So Jay didn't know how after all that – any of that – Erin needed to think about shelling out the fifty bucks each for the wands. Tacky as it was, he thought they were definitely mementos – fucking reminders – that both of them needed sitting out on display after they got home. Now and always.

 **AUTHOR NOTE:**

 **I know … the much awaited — and out of order — Harry Potter chapter. Be thrilled if you like it … because much like any of the chapters in their vacation, this one went longer than intended, so at some point in time there will likely be a second Harry Potter Land chapter to hit on the elements and conversations that I had wanted to include but didn't reach this go.**

 **As for people who are reading The Way From Here … since there's been some questions … right now, I'm not sure if I'm going to write anymore in it. I had originally intended to. But some of the conversations and context that I had wanted to explore ended up moving up in chapters rather organically. So even though there are other scenes I had thought (and am still thinking about) writing, I do feel that the current last chapter provided enough context and a bit of closure to leave it as an organic ending. If I were to write more, I feel like the originally intended ending (and getting to it) would be just to write out some scenes and would sort of rehash some things already covered. I may change my mind but may not. Right now, as I've mentioned in the TWFH author's notes, I do have other things going on with my writing, which means my time, interest and ability to think about or write FF is somewhat limited.**

 **Beyond that, some of TWFH was starting to feel rather forced. Like I was trying to write out of the corner the show had created. Also, I hadn't really wanted to write more after the season started. And at this point, I'm pretty sure the season will have started before I get to writing another chapter for TWFH.**

 **I'll still be watching CPD. I want to see where they go with it. However, I won't be watching it on a weekly or regular basis. Maybe a monthly. I'm also not looking at it as the same show. The entire context and premise at the core of the show will have to shift. And, though, I'm interested to see how they adjust and realign Voight in that, I'm not sure it can be done in a realistic or watchable manner. I'll give it a chance. But I'm not sure if it will keep my interest with the changed dynamic and the trickle down of how that has to (or should) impact reactions of characters and plotting of the show.**

 **I can almost guarantee that as I watch the show less and less my postings of CPD will become less and less. I just simply don't both to write shows I'm not watching.**

 **But, yes, I will miss some of the characters and interactions in the AU too. SO maybe I'll revisit it on occasion. Clearly I needed a break from the tension and convoluted maze in TWFH for a while. So you got this chapter. Yeah you! Maybe it will mean you'll get some more in the future too — before things got all screwed up on CPD.**

 **As always, your readership, comments, feedback and reviews are appreciated. It does help in keeping me somewhat motivated and interested in coming back to this AU. Thanks for reading.**


	28. The Bridge

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

 **THIS CHAPTER WOULD COME AFTER THE FLORIDA CHAPTERS.**

Hank watched his boy struggling to get his fucking Jurassic Park dinosaur stuffed into his backpack. He smacked at the scene. And E gave him a glance. He gestured at the damn thing and the other fucking dinosaur figurines his son had sitting on the table – apparently waiting to get stuffed in the bag too.

"Maybe should focus on getting the dinosaurs that actually existed in the bag," he graveled at his boy.

He got a huff, though, and E just struggled harder to get the damn thing to fit. One of the best fucking toy purchases and most fucking ridiculous toy purchases he'd ever made for his damn kid.

"They're getting the Jurassic World exhibit, Dad," he mouthed off with some good tone that earned him another smack, as Hank slouched back in his chair and picked up his coffee cup to keep watching the fucking show. Kid took heed of the body language and toned it down slightly. "It had Indominus. So I'm allowed to take her," he provided a bit more evenly. "Besides, it means I can say stuff about DNA sequencing because that's how they made her."

"Ain't real," Hank said again.

Another annoyed sigh out of his kid. "I know that," he said. "But DNA sequencing is. And they have the DNA Discovery Center. And the new Spices exhibit is basically all about DNA stuff too. So isn't it good to talk about that?"

Hank grunted. Kid might have a point. But also didn't know how much the kid actually knew about DNA or DNA sequences. Then again, sometimes E ended up knowing a lot of random shit about the things he wanted to know about. Absorbed stuff in weird ways. Picked up on it through his own alternative means. Supposed too they had enough fucking documentaries and PBS programming up on the TV screen that he picked up on shit that way. And even if his reading abilities weren't up to par, still didn't stop him from gazing for hours at all the fucking nature and biology and dinosaur books that his wife had in the house for the kids.

Figured they were probably about the last fucking families in Chicago who still had the fucking encyclopedias taking up shelf space in the family den. But Cami had been so committed to buying that shit. Had even claimed the damn World Books her parents had collected for her growing up when her folks were ready to toss them. Had really felt they were a fucking stable of childhood and staple of education. And those were two things his wife had been real committed to giving their kids.

The Encyclopedia Britannica's Young Children set. One of the things Cami had gone out and bought back when they found out they were pregnant the first time. Too early of purchase ultimately. But it got kept. Their little girl maybe didn't get to enjoy them but their boys still had. Funk and Wagnalls that his wife fucking squirreled away money to afford the latest addition during a fucking grocery run too.

Cami got her wish, though. Magoo still fucking pulled the things down to sit and page through. Knew some of that was because he knew they were something his mom had accumulated for the them. Something she valued. But knew another part of it was just that E could sit and look at pictures in books for hours. He'd been like that when he was a little boy. Still was now. And it was reference books and atlases. Even his textbooks – he could get lots in the pictures and graphs and charts. Just stare at them. Kid sure liked when the novels he was reading him had pictures too. Didn't matter if it was only one black-and-white sketch per chapter, E wanted his opportunity to gaze at. Had caught him going back and checking them out again as some way his kid tried to review the story and the chapters they'd been through. Spilled over into schematics and instruction manuals and the newspaper and the stats in the sports section and even the weekly flyers. But Hank sure as fuck preferred E be staring at any of those things than the fucking iPad. Maybe he'd actual learn something rather than fucking Goggle or YouTube giving him all the answers instantaneously.

And his kid could claim he was all "retro" too. Though, Erin seemed to think that maybe he was a bit too much of a 90's kid for his own good. But that was the timeframe Hank knew how to raise kids in. Wasn't sure that today's world made a whole lot of sense for raising children. Kids his boy's age. And knew that his son sure tried to emulate his sister too. And Halstead. And what he had left of J. So movies, music, tv shows. E seemed a whole lot more interested in the '80s and '90s than his own era sometimes. Even the fucking '60s and '70s if he decided he wanted to be just like his Old Man for a minute. Or his mom. And those encyclopedias were sure his mom. E was actually probably one of the only students at Ignatius who even knew what an encyclopedia even was, let alone having touched one. Or having access to a set – multiple sets – whenever he wanted. Even if most of the material in them was from the fucking '80s. Which Erin seemed to think only risked making him more of a mark. But Hank tried to look at it as making his kid a more rounded individual. And with all E's challenges, he figured let him learn however he was able. As long as he was learning something.

"Want to go over your little presentation again?" was all Hank put to him at his kid's assertion that this Indominus Rex thing and DNA sequencing thing was what he wanted to go into this little interview toting.

E sighed at him, and reached for the next dinosaur to try to get it in. Figured that the ones he had were likely the ones that Indominus was fictionally spliced from. "Not if you're going to tell me to slow down again."

"Just want you to make sure you talk slow enough the people are able to understand you and follow what you're saying," Hank put to him.

Because the reality was that they both really needed this win. Was real proud of his boy snagging this interview even – to do the Bridge Program at Field. Basically, it'd set up his kid for a whole lot of volunteer and internship and co-op and part-time work opportunities and special programming at the museum for the rest of high school. Thought that'd be real good for E. In a whole lot of ways. But the timing of the program – August – they needed that too.

Really needed his son to have something to focus on and be excited about that month. Needed him to have something to look forward to. Some distraction. Something he'd be good at. Already was going to be spending a week in August doing the tween camp at Field. Focused right in on fish that year, and he was real excited about that. And he'd done so well at the programming aspect of it – making the little interactive app thing. If his son ended up getting a slot in Bridge, there'd really only be a week left in the month that Hank would have to figure out what to do with him and how to distract him. Hopefully getting him prepped for high school would be enough for all of that – and not so fucking stressful with his kid's anxiety that it sent him over the edge with all the other crap E would be trying to process and dwell on and stew about.

"I won't motor," E muttered at him, as he zipped his bag, apparently satisfied with how he got his stuff in. Though, the head of the one dinosaur was sticking out. Likely not the best way to head into middle school for the day. But Hank kept that commentary to himself for the moment.

"And need to remember that you've only got two minutes to say what you need to say," he nodded at him. "So keep on track."

"I know," E sighed.

"Need to look them in the eye and not do the shy routine when they ask you questions too, Magoo," Hank stressed at him.

Ethan slouched into the chair across from him. "I know," he sighed.

"You want to do some practice questions again?" Hank put.

"No," E groaned. "It's like you're interrogating me."

Hank gave a smack at him and stared at his kid. Only made E fidget a bit more. But at least he pulled his sliced up apple over and took a momentary interest in it. Nibbled a bit. Had a feeling the kid was going to decide he had too many butterflies in his stomach to eat that day. That wasn't going to do anything good for him in getting him through the school day, ingesting his meds and having him functional at his interview for Bridge in the afternoon.

Truth was that Hank wanted to believe that this was just a bit of a practice routine. That the kids selected for the program would be put through the rigors of learning how to do the various little presentations on the fucking Discovery Interaction carts they assigned their teenaged volunteers to through the museum. That they'd be doing some training with them on how to manage some of the different programming they had on the go for the little ones and their families in the Family Play Lab. But also knew that they'd be looking to make sure they were recruiting kids who were articulate enough and socially forward enough that they could manage doing those routines. Could learn the information and interact with the public reasonable well. All different age ranges.

Hank wasn't entirely sure his boy ticked off those boxes that well. But also wanted to believe that his son getting into the training program and then being able to sign up as a volunteer would be real good at helping him develop some of those qualities in his kid. Develop some more self-confidence and self-esteem. Some self-worth too. Get him looking people in the eyes better. Being more comfortable in his own skin. Making sure people were seeing the whole him – not his scars or disability.

But also was aware that it was likely E's scars and disability that might've even gotten him the interview. That the museum was ticking off it's own little checklist to be non-discriminatory. Slate his son as some sort of diversity candidate. Either for the interview. Maybe even for the program as a whole, if Magoo did get selected. And Hank wasn't too sure how he felt about any of that. Even though he knew the program would be good for Magoo. Knew his kid would likely love getting to spend a good chunk of his August over at Field all-goddamn-day. That he'd love it even more to have an excuse to get getting over there on a regular basis during the school year. But Hank also wasn't a huge fan of people treating his boy "differently" or giving him some sort of acceptations.

Accommodations – not acceptations. That's what Magoo needed. Needed to live up the same expectations as anyone else. He just needed the accommodation to have the time to do that within the best of his abilities.

Knew his son had worked real hard on his application for Bridge. And was proud of him getting this far. Proud and nervous for him getting this interview. And wanted to believe that the kid had been selected for the interview based on his own merits. That the people at Field knew he'd participated in the camp last summer. That they knew he was part of the Museum Club. That he'd been to various functions at the place over the year. That they could see on his application that he had a bit of an aptitude for science and an interest in some of the work they did over at Field.

But he'd also been real aware that E had filled out the applications for the volunteer Bridge session at Shedd and Adler too and hadn't landed an interview. Wasn't sure what to make of that. If it meant anything. Made just meant that Field thought he was the best fit there. Also was aware that some guy Cami had worked with was involved in Bridge and one of the guys on this fish summer camp. Maybe he'd put in a word for Magoo. Pulled his application out of the pile. Or Cami was just looking out for their boy and their family again. Trying to make August a bit easier on them. Maybe make E finding some place he fit in in high school a bit easier – even if it wasn't with the kids at Ignatius.

"Not trying to interrogate you," Hank said. "Just want to make sure you're prepared."

E nibbled at the apple slice and put it down. Clearly wasn't going to eat. "You think I should tell them that mom was a biologist?" he asked.

Hank shrugged. "Could," he allowed. "But think it's better to talk about you. Tell them about Robotics. Some of the projects you build here. Circuitry. That Makey-Makey thing. Your Minecraft stuff. All that. About getting out to the Space Center. Going to some of the observatories around here."

E sighed harder. "Dad," he said with a bit of tone again. "It's Field. Not Adler or MSI."

"Still good to make sure they know all that," Hank nodded at him.

"Robotics was on my application," Ethan huffed.

"So tell them again. Take in whatever project you've got set up with your Snap Circuits right now."

"It's a radio," E said with too much tone and Hank gave him a solid smack at that. The kid settled some. "And they don't care."

"Think they do," Hank pressed. "Will care just as much as you being in the Museum Club and doing the camp last summer. That you're doing the one this year too. So make sure they know that too."

"It's Field!" E said with aggravation again. "They know."

"Maybe the people sitting in on this interview don't," Hank said.

E rubbed his finger against the crease in their kitchen table. "What if they ask me something I don't know answer to?"

"Most of the questions aren't going to have a right or wrong answer, Magoo," Hank offered. "You just answer them the best way you know how."

"Well, what if I go all blank or can't find words? Or I'm too tired and foggy? Like on tests and after-school?" E said, meeting his eyes with real concern. "Or if they make me have to read something and explain it and all that?"

Hank tilted his chin to keep his eyes. "E, your application included your school reports, OK? They know you're on an IEP. I did the follow-up call and let them know you'd need some reasonable accommodations when it came to anything with reading comprehension in the interview."

E slouched hard. "So now they aren't going to pick me at all."

Hank shook his head. "It doesn't mean that. It means that if they give you some sort of test like that, you're going to get some extra time or someone there will help you out."

"Exactly. So then I'm stupid and a pain in their ass. So they aren't going to pick me," Ethan sulked.

"You go into it with that attitude and they won't," Hank graveled sternly. "You go in confident. You tell them how excited you are about the program and Field. You let them see how much you like dinosaurs and space and robotics and programming and fish and all of that. You sit straight. You look them in the eye. You speak clearly. And you answer them as best you can and if you aren't sure of the answer, say as much. They'll likely ask you again in a different way. You still not sure how to answer it, just tell them that."

E slumped even more. "What if I don't feel well by after-school?"

Was Hank's turn to sigh at him at that. "Ethan, there's going to be a lot of days you don't feel well. That's just the way it's going to be. You're going to have to learn when and how to make the call on that. Listen to your body. You really run down after school. You're in pain. You've got brain fog. Fatigue. Think you're flaring. You have to make the call on what you can push through and put your best foot forward and if you need to draw the line. You think you aren't well enough to handle it, then we call them and tell them. Explain it matter-of-factly. But you understand that they won't be under an obligation to give you another interview slot. Might be shooting yourself in the foot."

E just slumped there. Elbows on the table – sulking.

"Get your elbows off the table," Hank ordered at him and he even more sulkly pulled them away from the flat surface, slouching in his chair. "Sit up straight," he ordered again and the kid gave him a look. "And keep looking at me," he provided. The kid did but looked like he wanted to cry. "Ethan," he stressed again. "There's going to be a lot of times in life you're going to want to use the M.S. or what happened to your head as an excuse. Long as I'm around, I'm not going to let you do that. Sometimes it can be an explanation. But there's no good reason that it's going to mean you can't or you shouldn't be doing something. You, me, whoever's involved with what it is you want to do or achieve – we're just going to have to work at figuring out how to make sure things work for you. That's not going to always go smoothly. Sometimes it's going to be hard or real frustrating. But, if it's something you want, you've got to push for it. And that's going to mean sometimes you're going to have to make choices about how you're feeling, what you're abilities are, and push through."

E ran his finger along the table some more. "But what if they don't pick me?"

"Then it's the same as tryouts, Magoo. Sometimes you don't get picked for the team. So you bust your ass through the off-season. You beef up on your skills. What you can offer. And come around next year, you throw your hat in the ring again," Hank said.

"Maybe they are just letting my do the interview – or maybe they'll only pick me – because I'm an RIC kid …" he muttered.

Hank stared at him. "E, that's something you're going to have to deal with in life too. It happens. You've had it happen. And you're going to have to learn to make judgments on when that's right and fair – and if it justifiably makes your life better and easier in situations where you need that. And, if you feel them putting those kinds of labels on you are unfair to you or unfair to others, that's something you're gong to have to make judgments on when to speak up too. It's all a balance."

"It all just makes everyone hate me," he said. "Because I make it harder and more unfair to everyone."

"Ethan," Hank stressed again, "you can't go through life looking at it that way. It just makes you sound like a victim. An you aren't that either."

His boy just gazed at him with hurt eyes.

"E," he sighed, putting down his coffee. "Look, I don't think that you got this interview because of your issues. I think you've been hanging out at Field since last summer. Participating in their programs. That they know you. And they think you're a good fit. You've got to go in there believing that and show them that too. Prove to them they're right. And whatever happens – I'm proud of you for applying and I'm proud of you for making it this far in the application process. Sure you beat out a whole lot of other kids to even get an interview."

"But you think that I should be doing a presentation about robotics and circuitry and space and stuff," he said all glumly.

Hank shrugged. "Maybe," he acknowledge. "But also think you explained your position to me real well – and that you made some good points. And that how you explained it showed that you know a lot about the museum. What exhibits they have there. What they've got coming up. And, you know what?" His kid looked at him hopefully. "I think you going in there with that kind of knowledge is real smart too."

E gave him that quiet, shy smile of his. His kid was so full of nerves and anxiety all the time. Sometimes he really didn't know how to fucking manage that. How to make it right. How to get him functional in the world. So just kept picking at it and just kept thinking that something like this opportunity – it'd help him with it.

"You aren't going to make me all nervous again when you pick me up, are you?" E asked.

Hank grunted. "Not trying to make you nervous," he allowed. "And you think I will, I can see if your sister can drive you over to the interview after school."

E gave his head a little shake. "No … you …," he said. "Just don't ask me to go over my presentation or practice questions and all that when we're driving over."

Hank allowed a little nod and picked up his coffee with a grunt. Fair enough. Sometimes he had to play within E's bounds. And sometimes doing that was the only way to expand the field of play the kid had to play with anyway.

E's eyes set on him too. "Can I tell them we're going to go to the Jurassic World exhibit too?"

Hank made a noise into his coffee at that and brought his mug down. Kid got another smack. "You really think that's going to be worth our dough when you were down in Jurassic Park? When I took you out to that whole hoopla out on the pier last summer?"

E gave him a little smile – that one much more coy. The fucking little boy joining manipulative teen right there. Trying to play cute while trying to get his way. "This is Jurassic World," he stressed. "It's different."

Hank grunted and gestured over at where the kid's allowance jars were up on the shelf by the coffeemaker. "Then I guess we should tally up some of that coin," he said.

The smile crept along E's lips a bit more and he watched as his boy headed over there. How the kid managed to hoist his knee up to the counter and reach for the jars. And he didn't say a goddamn thing about the kid climbing on the counter. Because sometimes the kid needed to find his own way to do things and figure out his own accommodations. And might as well let some of that start at home.


	29. Bag of Bones

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

 **THIS CHAPTER GOES AFTER WHAT IS CURRENTLY CHAPTER 26 — THE BRIDGE. They will be reordered eventually.**

Hank glanced up from his pulp fiction that he'd shoved in his back pocket to keep him company while Magoo was in his interview. Had decided with the kinds of cases and kinds of bullshit getting thrown at him lately, he was entitled to unplugging for the afternoon. Part of him had felt that urge to really buckle down. To make some amends. Fix some past wrongs. Be the cop that he knew he was that no one wanted to acknowledge him as because the fucking Brass always had an opinion about the way he worked and how he did his job. Fucking guys in white shirts up in the Ivory Tower who'd let themselves forget what it was like to actually do the job. Or had never really had to do the job the way it was done in the first place.

Reality was, though, that he'd kind of felt like it wasn't just his badge or his integrity that they'd come blaring for that time. Had really felt like they were taking a pass at the kind of person he was in a way that would have implications for his family. A swipe at his kids. And that just wasn't going to stand either. Because shit like this just … it all went back to his family. And he wasn't going to let anything happen – or anyone make some sort of statements – that was going to have a trickle effect in getting to his boy and affecting the way his kid looked at him. Or worse – fucking dragging him away from his youngest. His son needed him. And he didn't like his job, his badge or his reputation being dangled around like some kind of play thing. He gave too much of himself to this city for them to do that. His whole family had.

Too much. So he'd taken a step back. These past few days. Seemed like CPD was just working more and more to bench him. Put him into a corner and slap cuffs on him that made it harder and harder to do his job on the job. So if they were going to do that he might as well be putting in some time on his other job. His real job.

They wanted him off the scene – then he'd take a personal. A few hours. An afternoon. Be there for his boy on his big interview – even if it was only to play taxi service. Though from the look of his kid walking back over to where he was sitting, he was going to need to be a bit more than that. Fucking lead cheerleader on the pep squad. Didn't look like things went so hot in there.

He closed his book and watched E's trek over. Kid looked near tears. Had a huge with him. Bringing him back out and through the maze down on the level of the museum with all the educational resource rooms and lecture halls and administrative offices. Had spent a lot of time in Field over the years and hadn't ever been down in that area before. Taken a while to find where they were going. That had gotten Magoo all agitated when the kid was all nerves enough about this whole thing. But if this gig was about communication skills, the museum sure hadn't exhibited the greatest in describing where they needed to get to in the confirmation email.

Though, got the sense it might've been a bit of a test. Had to go and ask at the desk, which Magoo had been awful timid about. Ended up having to be him who'd gone over and gotten given the directions. Things were marked clearly enough when they did get downstairs. Had one of the interviewers out waiting for E's arrival in the little area they had set up presumably for the parents. Though, hadn't been anyone else occupying the space. So Hank wasn't sure if the rest of the kids weren't getting a lift to this gig or the parents had stayed upstairs or they'd just staggered the interviews enough that the kids weren't having to cross paths with each other too much.

Thought fourteen was a little young to be having a first job-type interview. But shouldn't talk too much. He'd started working when he was fifteen. First real job. Had done a whole lot of running errands at the Social Club for his dad and the guys there long before that. But snagging his first gig hadn't been much of an interview. More like them asking if he knew how to push a mop and them letting him know he'd be out on his ass real quick if he didn't show some initiative and work ethic. Make sure the job got done right.

Things had changed a lot since then, though. Not the same world. At all.

Kids didn't just do little interviews to get their after-school and summer jobs handing out fries, scooping ice cream, stocking shelves, pumping gas or handing out change at a cash register anymore. All these fucking interviews for them to get into private schools. These fucking intent letters and length applications and personal essays for volunteer programs and internships and co-ops and summer camps. Barely let kids be kids anymore it seemed. No wonder there were all these teens and twenty-year-olds just fucking fried and burned out before they even managed to finish college. Even worse when they hit the real world and realized all these fucking "opportunities" they poured their hearts out for as little kids didn't give them much real life experience to get any sort of related job in the real world. Instead they were having to learn at 18, 19, 20, 21 … 25 fucking years old how to do an interview to hand out fries, scoop ice cream, shock shelves all night or man a cash register. Or hand a fucking ATM console over to a costume. Wasn't much need for a gas attendant anymore.

Didn't believe life was fair. But all the stress and pressure kids got put under anymore wasn't that fair. And was just so fucking unrealistic because he really couldn't imagine what these interviews asked the kids that cast any sort of real perspective on the kind of kid was – or the kind of candidate or asset the kid would be. Reality was anything the kid handed in on an application form was likely monitored – if not out-right done – by the parents. It was more their answers – and the image they wanted to project of their kid.

And as for any questions the asked the little darlings in the room? Fourteen-year-old kids were only so articulate. Even the most precocious of them. And didn't matter what bullshit the kids spouted off about the why they wanted the gig or what they thought they were going to be when they grew up or how this would get them some slot in whatever program that their parents were already working at padding their college application for. All of that was more fantasy than what most kids' futures were going to look like. Dream big. But dreams were dreams. And the bigger they were the less reality was likely to look like them.

Though, that hadn't really stopped him from feeling pride at E getting the interview. Hadn't stopped him from letting him apply. And didn't mean that he didn't have hopes that this Bridge program would lead to his kid getting to his kid getting into the teen volunteer program and that that would open up some doors for employment or internships. Or that it'd spark some interest and get some ideas for him about what to pursue at college and put him in good stead when he was making those kinds of applications. Didn't mean he shut down his kid's dreams about being a paleontologist or an archeologist or a marine biologist like his mom. Just like he didn't shoot holes in E's hopes that he might end up working in Forensics or in the Marine Unit or even as a data analyst and tech guy for Intelligence some day. He just tried to encourage him. Hopefully and honestly. And he hoped most parents came from that standpoint. Thing was he'd spent enough years having to rub elbows with the likes of the parents at Ignatius and he knew that that wasn't always where people were coming from. Some people just had Trophy Kids. Didn't matter if it was sports or academics. They were just coming at it from all the wrong places. And they pushed, pushed, pushed until their kid either had a mental or emotional breakdown or they had a fucking entitled, spoiled brat on their hands who graduated into a fucking entitled, spoiled adult who wasn't good for anything much.

Still, he'd really just hoped that this thing would give his son a place. Some purpose. A bit of stability. Some friends. A support network of kids and adults that went beyond what he had at home or at RIC. Because E really needed that. Wasn't really getting that at Ignatius. And really wasn't feeling like it was going to be much better when he hit high school. But could still hope. Maybe it would after the kids got to stream more into their interests and electives. When they found what they excelled at and got a bit more of a sense of what they were actually interested and what they might want to do with their lives. He'd known by fourteen. Hell, he'd likely known from about the day he'd clued into his pop being a cop. Knew Erin had known by about sixteen.

But Camille hadn't in high school. Or she had thought she'd known but things hadn't really worked out the way she thought they would when she was a fifteen-, sixteen-, seventeen-year-old kid mapping out the rest of her life. She'd tried to make it work. She was the one who'd gone off to college. Thought she was going to be a vet. Even got all declared as being a pre-vet medicine student. But, for all his wife's smarts, competition was steep to get into the actual vet program. Hadn't made it through the fucking extended application and interview process. The kind that used to be reserved for that kind of stuff. Doctors, lawyers, fancy schools and fancy programs. Not Grade Eight kids who wanted to volunteer at the fucking museum in high school.

Cami had been upset at the time. Real upset. Wasn't like she'd had a coddled life but she hadn't had too many hard-knocks up until that point. Just the typical kid stuff. Growing up in Chicago stuff. In their neighborhood stuff. Nothing too traumatizing. And hadn't had many brushes with failure. At least academically. Always a bit of a shining light there. Star pupil in high school. Nice little Catholic school girl. Good little Italian family. Father with some prominence in the neighborhood. And it had seemed like she'd sailed through her pre-vet program pretty easily. Worked her ass off. Always studying. But that was Camille too. But hadn't been enough to get her onto the path she'd thought she wanted.

Hank would admit that maybe at the time he'd been a bit too happy about that. Hadn't really been looking forward to her being down in Champaign for however-many-fucking years becoming Dr. Doolittle. He'd struggled enough with trying to figure out where he fit in – his own fucking inferiority complex and chip on his shoulder – while she was working to get her undergrad. Really hadn't been that supportive back then. Been a bit of an ass. No wonder she benched his ass for a while and they took some breaks in that period.

Figured that break would likely have been permanent if she'd gone down to Urbana-Champaign. Or it would've ended soon after. That maybe it'd be some fun for a while. Excuse for him to get out of the city for a while. Take his bike down. Nice enough ride. Take her for a whip around. Have a bit of a bed-in if he could pull her away from the books. Which would've been a fucking task because she would've been hitting them even harder than she had working on her Bachelors.

Always a bit of a frustration back then when he was young and stupid and had his head up his ass. Seemed more interested in her studies – fucking books – than she did him half the time. Hitting them harder than she ever did him. Took him way too long to figure out that education – that was her way of bettering herself, bettering her placement in the world, bettering her life and those around her, and how she wanted to make things better for her any family or kids she had of her own. How she was going to try to be better than that fucking grey-collar Italian stereotype she'd grown up in the Village – even though her folks were good hardworking people. They were simple people. A fucking grease monkey as a dad and her mom putting in her hours in behind the counter at one of the neighborhood bakery and delicatessens. Cami wanted more for herself and more for her kids.

It was funny. But Hank could still pinpoint all these kinds of marker posts in their relationship. Turning points. Supposed that happened when you knew someone that long. Your whole life. You'd think that maybe it'd all sort of blend together into a mess. But it didn't. Or maybe you just dissected it all a bit more after they were gone. As you went over and over all those years trying to hold onto the memories. And you forced some to come to the surface and stick with you. Clung to them. Analyzed them.

And when you have a relationship like that with someone. When you've had a fucking twenty-six year marriage. With a person you'd been with in some capacity since you were fourteen years old. A girl you knew before you even knew what you did with your dick. A girl you'd grown up with. Who you'd known since kindergarten. It irked you more than a little when someone started suggesting you were chasing tail of someone twenty-years your junior. Some woman your daughter's age. And that a girl that young could take you to church in any way. Help you find your salvation.

Cami was his salvation. Made him human in more ways than one. Made him a better man. Helped him transition from a boy to a man. And kept him there. On the right track. Living up to his responsibilities. Constantly making sure he knew them. And he appreciated all the privileges that came with them. Having her in his life. Having his kids. Having a home to go home to. A family to love and love him back.

She had always been his better half. Even, though, they'd always been a bit of a team. Through good and through bad. And now the only redemption he needed – he'd find it in his kids. Their kids. The ones at home and the ones on the job. And his grandson. Through doing right by them. Making sure he was putting good people out into the world and the city and onto the job. That's the only redemption he needed. The only salvation. Doing right by his wife.

So he knew their milestones. He knew how they applied to their lives. As a couple and as a family. To her life. And to his. And her not getting into the vet program had been one of those markers. They hadn't really been together then. Depending on how you fucking defined together. Because looking back now, Hank knew that even in those "break" periods they hadn't exactly split up. And even in periods they hadn't exactly been a declared couple, they might as well as been. But Hank didn't know that him or Camille were much for declaring much of anything. Was what it was. That was something they could see eye-to-eye on.

That period, though, he'd say they were more friends than a couple. Even though he thought they'd both about reached the point that they realized – accepted – they were going to just be making their way through life together. Witnessing the life for each other. They just hadn't really made a move to shift back to much of anything beyond friends and occasional friends with benefits at that point, though. They were still on their "break".

But it'd been him she'd come to when she got the news she hadn't gotten in. Hadn't been her parents she'd told first. She'd been scared to tell them. That her father would be so disappointed in her. That her parents had worked so hard to be able to help her pay for her degree and that she'd somehow failed by just walking away with a Bachelor of Science and no ticket to vet doctor school. She'd really just been devastated. All those teen-aged plans and little kid dreams had gone floating out the window and she was confused. Anxious.

Hank knew there were lots of times he'd been there for Cami in different ways before that moment – that conversation. But it stood out. Stood out as about the first real time that he'd had to step up and be there for her – as a friend, and as a man. Support her and listen and try to take care of her in a way she'd done back when they were fifteen and he'd been a fucking mess after his dad ended his watch. He'd done a good job at pushing people away and putting up walls and creating a whole lot of animosity back then. But Camille had seen through it and stuck by him and she was about the only person he'd felt like he could talk to and be with at the time. To be himself with rather than what he felt like he had to be then.

Taken a lot of talking – and a new and different kind of support, a lot of checking himself and adjusting his mindset – but they'd come to a decision, together, that she still was going to go after her Masters. Had even talked around it all enough that they'd managed to convince themselves – and Camille – that maybe veterinary medicine wasn't the best fit for her overall. Maybe it never really was. It'd just been a little girl dream of fluffy rabbits and bunnies and ponies. Not entirely reflective of what the actual job might entail or how her personality fit in all of that or what she wanted to be doing with her life.

So Zoology. That's what she put in for to get her Masters. Hank didn't know what the fuck she expected to do with that. Figured she'd end up shoveling rhino dung up at the Lincoln Park Zoo or something. But also figured they'd bought themselves two years to figure it out. Together. And by the time she'd be coming up on finishing her degree, he'd have put some time in his boots. Would've been able to support her – both of them – while they sorted out whatever the fucking job prospects were of a zoologist in Chicago.

Been funny, though. Because for all the fucking planning she'd done as a kid. All the fucking talk they had in figuring out her track for her schooling, it hadn't been until into the midst of it – doing her fucking post-grad – what she actually wanted to do with all that research and schooling and knowledge she had in that head of hers. And it'd been fishing. Fucking researching and analyzing and cataloguing and observing fish. All fucking day.

Ichthyology. Who fucking knows that word as a kid? Unless you're the kid of an ichthyologist. Because Hank was pretty sure E had known how to say that word by the time he was about two years old and had known exactly what it fucking was too. But Cami – even for all her fucking books – hadn't known it. Hadn't known there was a job in it. And for that pretty little tomboy that Hank knew you could always find all summer sitting at a fishing reservoir or on a pier at the lake with her line in the water and her nose in a book – if it wasn't a fucking illustrated species encyclopedia, it was Nancy Drew or some musty, old hardcover classic that she'd turned in her nickels and dimes for at the used book store that you were just as likely to find her in as down by the water or under a tree in the park. And, the program, the specialty, the job. It'd been a perfect fit.

But the point was it just wasn't something she'd figured out until she was about twenty-two years old. None of it. And there was nothing the matter with that. It'd fucking worked out. Real well. Cami loved her job. And she'd shared that love with the whole family. Lots of family memories grew out of it. Still did – because her little boy was a bit of an ichthyologist in his own right too.

And it was the same with J. Same but different. Because he never had a fucking clue. Or just didn't fucking care. Had all these fucking technical aptitudes and science know-how that he must've inherited from his mom too but was such a lazy fucking ass. Didn't want to do anything ever but try to run game with another one of his big ideas that was always just a way to throw money away. Get rich quick schemes that he couldn't fucking grasp didn't exist. Wasn't until he had a child on the way that he started to put some real thought into what he wanted to do with his life. Put some real fucking reflection in on what he was good at and interested it. And Signal Corps. Engineering. They'd basically ended up right back at what they'd told him he should start thinking about in high school but he'd had on his fucking earmuffs when they were talking to him. Took the military to teach him some real discipline and a little boy on the way to get him some direction. But, Hank knew sometimes that was how it went. With a lot of guys. At least he'd figured it out.

So E would too. Eventually. Or maybe he already had. And they just needed to get him to that eventually. And that's where this came in. Or at least he had hoped it would. Not so sure that would be the way it worked out now.

The guy that came out with E was different than the woman who'd been waiting for them downstairs. This joker gave him a thin smile like they knew each other. Hank just smacked, though. Didn't know this guy from Adam. But he stood up.

"Hank Voight?" the guy asked. He grunted. The guy stuck out his hand. Hank looked at it for a second but took it. Not sure where this was going unless those glassy eyes on his boy were happy tears. But the kid sure didn't look too happy. "I'm Kevin. Tagish. I worked with Camille. Years ago."

Hank grunted. Knew the name. Knew there was a guy who knew Camille at the museum. Erin had some kind of interaction with him before. But hadn't ever met him. Didn't know the face.

Gave the hand a shake and released it.

"So, I was telling Ethan that it's likely going to be about two weeks before we let people know if they've been selected for the program," Tagish said.

Hank just grunted again and kept his eyes on his son. E looked pretty defeated. That hurt a bit. Didn't like E feeling that way. But having to go through those sorts of experiences was part of life. Failure was a way of learning. But also shouldn't be counting chickens before they hatched or making wild speculations about any sort of outcome.

Tagish gave the kid a look too, clearly measuring up how he was doing. But was gentle about it. Least the guy had clued in that the kid was struggling with composure a bit. But was sure a lot of the kids walking out of the interview felt that way. Sure most kids would after any first interview experience. But this sort of thing was likely old hat for some of the kids who'd be waltzing through. Not for Magoo, though.

Tagish's eyes shifted back to Hank. "Ethan told us that he's going to be doing summer school this year."

"Yea," Hank allowed.

"He wasn't sure of the dates?" Tagish put to him.

"Mmm …," Hank grunted. "July fifth through to the twenty-eighth."

Tagish nodded and keyed something into his phone. E just slouched down even more.

"That a problem?" Hank put directly.

Tagish gave his head a small shake. "I don't think so. But I did want to make sure Ethan would be available for the four-day training weekend in June? The twenty-second to the twenty-sixth?"

Hank gave a shrug. "Sure," he allowed.

"That's tournament weekend," E said quietly. "The one here. That CPD's sponsoring. Playing."

Hank gave him a smack. Shooting himself in his own foot sharing that tidbit. "Then I guess if you get offered a spot, you'll have to make some choices."

E gave him even more watery eyes. So Hank just put his own eyes back on Tagish. "Will get talked about when get home," he put flatly. "Won't be a problem. He'll be available."

Not the best for being a team player. But this was about looking at the long term. And reality was with the RIC Cubs, there were lots of games and tournaments that kids ended up missing in a season for all kinds of reasons ranging from health to timing to working around booked summer vacations and parents who's jobs didn't let them drive the kid to the next city or state for a tournament weekend. Not much of an excuse when the tournament was in Chicago. But lots of kids missed home games too. And, really, there'd be games in the evening that Magoo could likely show up at. Whether they'd let him play was another story. But benched or not – showing up was part of being a team player too.

Tagish gave him this thin smile. Seemed to be some understanding behind it. So maybe the guy had kids too and had to juggle all this crap. Or maybe he just had a soft spot for Camille – because she was good at earning that with men and she'd worked with a whole lot of pretty stereotypical lab geek guys who developed a bit crush on her over the years. Wouldn't be surprised if this guy had been on that list. Though, he had a wedding band on now. So he was another glowing endorsement that even the slightly odd, science guys could actually find someone. Still lots of hope for Magoo to find his Cami some day.

"I also just wanted to make sure that both you and Ethan understand that as part of Bridge, we require that our participants put in at least forty hours shadowing our current volunteers. It can take place from June first until the Sunday before the program starts. But if it hasn't been completed, we may not allow the student to participate in induction week."

Hank grunted. "Yea, saw that in the program materials. It's understood."

"OK," Tagish nodded. "I just wanted to make sure you're really aware that we only let our Bridge participants volunteer on Thursdays through Sundays and only from noon through four. So, I'm not sure what your family plans are over the summer or how Ethan's summer school and baseball schedule might affect this, but it might mean that he's having to come in … say every Saturday to make sure he gets his hours in."

Hank grunted. "We'll make it work," he provided.

Tagish gave him too much of a sympathetic smile at that. Which made Hank want to give him a bit of a shake. But also knew that figuring out that requirement would likely be a pain in the ass.

It was doable but would mean some sacrifices that summer. E might have to miss some games. Might end up opting out of some of the away weekends with the Cubs. Likely mean that they wouldn't be able to go too far afield with camping or fishing. Just a day trip or two. Not likely an overnight.

But if he got offered a spot, they'd have to look at the big picture. This could lead to opportunities for E throughout high school – and beyond. Losing out on part of the summer might be worth it. Really worth it.

But at the same time, he knew E was going to be needing a whole lot of distraction that summer and things to look forward to. Away games with the Cubs. Tournament weekends. Some camping and fishing trips. Afternoon game at Wrigley's. Wasn't sure how getting to volunteer at Field would stack up against all that in terms of things to distract and excite his kid about summer – and the anniversary they needed to get through.

Guy just made another little note on his phone, though, and looked back to him one more time and then looked at E.

"Well, Ethan, I know interviews can be a little nerve-wrecking," he told the glass-eyed boy. "But I think it likely went a whole lot better than you think, and whatever happens, I'm going to be looking forward to seeing you at Fish Unleashed. I think we're going to have a lot of fun at that camp this year."

"Yea …," Ethan said way too weakly.

Tagish gave him that same wishy-washy smile and shifted his eyes to Hank. "So, it was nice to meet you, Hank. We'll be in touch."

Hank grunted and held out his hand for a better shake that time. The guy returned it. But then retreated, going back to looking at his phone. Hopefully not sending out a memo about what a pain in the ass their family was going to be if they took E on in Bridge. E just watched the guy go all glumly.

"So how'd it go?" Hank put to him when Tagish must've been almost out of earshot.

"Bad," Ethan put bluntly.

Hank shrugged. "Don't think it could've gone that bad for him to be coming out and checking in on all that."

"He was only checking cuz I didn't know the answers," E said.

"Well, Ethan, the answers to any of those questions are you'd make it work. Plain and simple."

"But ball …," E sputtered.

"You've got lots of practices and games on weeknights. Have a lot of games on Saturday mornings. We'd get it worked out," Hank nodded at him.

E sighed and gazed at the floor.

"Ethan, sometimes in life you've got to make some hard choices and sacrifices. You need to look at the big picture. Ball is ball. Know it means a lot to you. But this is a real opportunity for you. For your future. Not going to let you just pass that up to make sure you don't miss out on some innings. You'd be missing out on a whole lot more if you said no to this," Hank rasped.

E let out a slow breath and looked at him but just shrugged. "It doesn't even matter. Cuz I'm not going to get it anyway."

"Can't be thinking like that or talking like that," Hank put to him.

"I can when it's true," Ethan argued. "You weren't in there. It went real bad."

Hank smacked and gestured down the hall Tagish had disappeared down. "He didn't seem to think so."

E huffed and started to move. "Can we just go home now," he muttered.

Hank smacked but followed after him. Kid was headed for the stairs – not the elevator they came down. Never one to take the easy path. But the kid didn't realize that that kind of perseverance was what got him this far in life. It'd be what got him a whole lot farther too. One of his best qualities. One of the things that people who took the time to get to know him – and all he'd been through – always noticed. And that kind of stubbornness and attitude – it counted for a fucking lot. It got you places. It'd get him places that E didn't even realize yet.

And Hank hoped that that shone through to the people in that interview too. That they could see it. That it'd count for more than any of the nerves or anxiety or flubbed questions or deer-in-headlights look E gave them if he hadn't been motor-mouthing without a filter in there. That they'd look beyond the hectic schedule the kid had and the fact that he might be a bit more challenging than some of the little Honors Students they likely had coming through. That they'd see a kid how really wanted this and who'd push through to get it. Who'd be an asset to the museum that summer. Who'd be one through his high school career if they let him. And, who with some help, might end up being a real asset for Field – or Chicago's museums and science and technology community – for years to come. For his lifetime. If given the chance to keep being persistent. Keep pushing through. Even if they had to give him a bit of a jump start to get him started up that hill.

"You're too hard on yourself," Hank told him, as he got in slow step next to his kid. "You, your sister, Justin. Always putting all these expectations on yourself that me and your mom never had for you."

"You pressure me all the time," E grumbled.

Hank shook his head. "E, all I ever ask of you is you try your best and you put your best foot forward. You do that and we're good."

That got a look. His kids never wanted to believe him when he told them that. He got the same look for Erin. And from Justin. Like he always asked too much of them or expected too much of them. But all he hoped for was that he was helping mould some good people. Some decent, functional adults. Contributing members of society.

"Want to go pay Sue a visit?" Hank put to him as they got to the top of the stairs.

"Not really," E mumbled.

But Hank reached out and gave the kid's shoulder a squeeze. Held at it until E gave him a look.

"C'mon," he smacked at him. "You don't want to see the bag of bones then I do."

"Dad," he sighed, "I really just want to go home."

Hank gave his head a little shake. "Will in a few minutes," he allowed. "But know we can't set foot in this place without getting a shot of you and Sue."

E's face fell a little more at that. His eyes got that watery look again. And Hank just briefly planted his hand against the top of his boy's head. His thumb running its course up the width of his forehead.

"Know I'm not great about knowing all about this science and biology stuff, Ethan," he said. "But I'm trying. And know too, that for all I don't know about any of it, you've got it in your make-up. Because you've got your mom in you. And she'd be so excited and so proud you're here at this interview today. She wouldn't care if you got it or not. And, you know, whatever the outcome is – she'd be telling you that this interview and this program – doesn't define your life. And it doesn't define your path. You still got lots of time go find your way and make whatever route changes you need to in it all while on the course."

Kid just looked away from him. All waterworks. And Hank stroked his thumb on his forehead one last time and gave his shoulder another squeeze and shake.

"C'mon," he told him again. "Know too your mom would be real pissed if we didn't get that shot of the bag of bones. Tradition."

One worth keeping. Another way to just mark off the sign posts of their life. To keep collecting them for Cami. And to hoard them away to hopefully give his boy some direction later. Now. Whenever he needed them.

 **AUTHOR NOTE:**

 **A chapter was posted less than 24-hours ago. The chapter immediately before this — Dual Suspension. Please make sure you didn't miss it.**

 **The next chapter will likely be an Erin/Ethan maybe with a bit of Jay. Or it might be structured as an Erin/Ethan/Hank. Haven't decided yet.**

 **Have a nice cluster of chapters and scenes I want to get out before wrapping Florida. Though, I did try to give some Harry Potter glimpses in the Ethan POV chapter.**

 **Your readership, reviews, comments and feedback are appreciated.**


	30. Mad Skillz

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

"Zoë, look," Ethan heard called behind him and glanced back to see Kim like doing a completely stupid happy smile that he totally recognized as that like complete over-tryin' thing that older sisters did while she waved the Hufflepuff scarf that Erin had made them get down in Florida. And made 'em bring here. Just like she was basically makin' him go and be friends with Kim's sister … or niece … or whatever now.

He kinda got it. Like Erin had 'plained it to him. And Dad had 'plained it to him. Actually it was more like he got another fuckin' lecture from Dad. But that was kinda Dad. Like everything was a fuckin' lecture or the fuckin' interrogation room. 'Cept when it wasn't and he was just Dad. And that was better. Even if he was sorta always in like teach mode and lesson mode and like home school mode. Least he knew lotsa stuff and some of it was pretty fuckin' tight like cars and history and tools and fishin' and rock and punk from like when rock and punk were real and like movies too. He knew all sweet old like classic thrillers and horror movies and mystery movies. Like Hitchcock. That guy was pretty epic.

But he got what they were on about with this Zoë kid. He could kinda feel for Her. He'd kinda been there. Sorta. Maybe.

He just really hated when he was told to be friends with people. And sometimes it was always like Dad and Erin were tryin' to find friends for him.

Dad was totally way worse than Erin. He could be so fuckin' extra sometimes and he like didn't even know it. And it was so dumb cuz Dad definitely had basically no friends. 'Cept maybe Uncle Al. But it was like he just knew everyone but he wasn't friends with anyone. And Ethan didn't think Dad even wanted to be friends with anyone.

So he completely didn't get why Dad thought he needed friends. Or basically couldn't get that maybe he didn't want friends. And he should get it. Cuz people really fucking sucked. Dad knew that.

So maybe they should fuckin' leave him alone. Maybe when he met people that didn't fuckin' suck he'd get his own squad. He didn't need Dad or Erin doin' it for him. And besides he had his fam. There was Eva. She didn't suck.

But some people seemed to really fuckin' change. Like Holly. And Evan. They thought they were all mainstream now. It was so fuckin' thirsty. And based on all the kids in his class, they were all pretty much the same. They all just thought they were GOAT with bein' in Grade Eight. But he was pretty sure most of them were all just flexing now. But that was fuckin' Iggy's. It was so basic as fuck. And they didn't even know.

But whatever. He'd talk to this kid. He just so hated bein' told what to do. And he really fuckin' hated talkin' to strangers. Especially kids. Because they looked at him in a totally different way.

He could see this Zoë kid lookin' at him now. And, yea, he could get why. Cuz Erin was making him go talk to her when she was so fuckin' clearly casting shade over at her sister or aunt or whateva. Like she definitely didn't want him goin' over there as much as he didn't want to be goin' up there. So maybe they could keep this all just brief. Low key.

Thing was it was taking fuckin' forever to get to her. Cuz she had to be sittin' up in the bleachers. And Erin had to go makin' him take the rest of this stuff up to her. And stairs were basically his fuckin' enemy. Not that like bleachers were real stairs. And it'd rained that morning. So it was all fuckin' slippery. And his crutches just weren't grippin' worth shit. And Zoë was fucking starin' at him. He could tell.

Gave her a look when he got up to where she was sittin' in the top corner. "Hey," he offered flatly when he got up there finally.

She'd fuckin' looked away when he got up there finally. Clearly wanted to be 'friends' as much as Erin and Dad were tryin' to make him be 'friends'. But he held out the chocolate frog and scarf he'd been tryin' to balance in his hand and fuckin' destroy the heel of his hand with the crutches while gettin' up to her. "We got this stuff for you in Florida. At Universal."

She gave him a little glance. Well more like she gave the stuff a glance. He could tell she wanted it. But he knew the look.

He'd played that game with Dad and Erin too. Ya know, the one were you tried to act like you were totally not into it even when you were, just to try to make a fuckin' point to them and get them to leave you alone. Even if you really didn't want them to leave you alone, but you just really fuckin' wanted them to get it. Like all of it.

And they never did.

So ya had to try to show them by making sure they kinda hurt like even like a miscue amount of how much you were fuckin' hurting. But how they always seemed to act like they didn't hurt that much or that you shouldn't be hurting that much. And like you just needed to suck it all up, and like it would all be better and easier and no big deal when you were older. And they just fuckin' treated you like a little kid when you weren't.

So you gave them those kind of looks. Like the cold shoulder. Or Chief Thunder Cloud. That's what Dad was always callin' it. Or Henry's fuckin' Pout-Pout Fish. Now Dad always said that like it was funny. And it completely was completely unfunny. Like the total opposite.

But he could also sort of see that Zoë was definitely giving him the Pout-Pout Fish. He sort of got it then. What Dad meant. But he also could sort of get maybe why she was doin' it. Like she didn't want to be there or talkin' to him and she was goin' through shit and hurtin'. He'd at least gotten that much from what Dad had said. And he could tell she definitely wanted this stuff. Even if she was goin' to act all like she didn't. Because her sister or aunt or whateva had asked 'em to get it for her. And she was likely tryin' to be mad at Kim so she got how much stuff sucked right now. And so she fuckin' knew how much she hated the fact that she'd made her come here.

So Ethan just reached and swiped some of the water still sitting on the bench away and then put the stuff down next to her and sat down too – joining her in staring over at all the setting up that was going on for the Cubs fundraiser. It was likely goin' to be a pretty lit day. But had pretty much sussed out that she didn't feel that way at all.

"Hufflepuff, huh?" he muttered as he watched them measurin' out the bases for the skillz comp.

He was pretty sure Eva was likely gonna kill the base run. She had total velocity since getting her knew prost.

But now she was all about usin' that on the court. Sorta figured that she might do ball this season but after they were freshman she was pretty much definitely going to switch to b-ball. Basically she'd had a killer enough season with the Hornets that the Skyhawks were already totally scouting her.

That was pretty lit. But she didn't know if she wanted to be just on the like second-string training and development team rather than playin' and he could kinda see her point.

But she also thought that Iggy's girls' b-ball were gonna let her on the Wolf Pack even though he'd told her she was pretty much trippin' if she thought that was gonna happen.

Besides, Wolf Pack teams totally sucked. Iggy's definitely was not a sports school. They were like completely bottom of all of Chicagoland. It was pretty fuckin' pathetic. She'd do totally better just stickin' with RIC. At least their teams went to like national everything in pretty much every sport. But he got you couldn't really get like a college scholarship on like a disability or accessibility team. Which was so fuckin' basic because RIC athletes went to the fucking Olympics and brought home gold but couldn't play in the NCAA? Kinda bullshit.

Other bullshit was that it was probably going to be Evan's last season with the Cubs too. At least the Junior Cubs. Because he had mad skillz with tossin' the ball and the men's team was after him too. Same, though. He'd just be all T+D until he hit sixteen and could get on the mound for them. But he seemed to be cool doin' that for a season.

So it could get super weird after this season if he had to stick around on the Juniors until he aged out and could try out for the men's league. Likely be like Robotics this year. All these jagoffs and he'd just have to wait it out. Hopefully the new group of kids that were brought up this year behind them would be decent. Maybe some squad material?

Or it was so going to suck. And suck too because Eva might think she was Wolf Pack material and maybe she could somehow convince them to at least like train and practice and drill with them. But Iggy's would never let him near any of their teams beyond bein' a fuckin' water boy. And he wasn't gonna do that shit for those assholes. They barely even let him do PE. Like he'd break for something. Or they'd sue 'em. Or Dad would go in and bust their skulls and nuts. That'd be sweet. He'd be so 'K with that happening. Maybe. Then again maybe not. Epic fallout.

"Hufflepuff is kinda tight," he allowed. "Newt." She gave him a small glance and he shifted to try to meet her eyes. Cuz Dad was always givin' him shit about not lookin' people in the eyes. And besides usually if he was keepin' their eyes it meant they weren't all lookin' at other stuff on his face. "Scamander," he clarified.

"I know," Zoë said quietly and gazed down at the chocolate frog box.

"Yea," Ethan nodded. "Fantastic Beasts was pretty tight. Newt's basically my fav. Like even better than any of the Harry Potter crew."

He watched as she reached and picked up the box to look at it.

"I'm Gryffindor, though," he told her.

She gave a little nod and turned the box in her hand, starin' at the stuff on the back.

"Did you get one?" she asked, still like super quietly. "What wizard card did you get?"

"Nah," he allowed. "I can't eat chocolate." She gave him a real weird look at that but Ethan just shrugged. "We got them for my friend Eva and her brothers tho. She got Rowena Ravenclaw. She one brother got Bowan Wright? He's like the inventor of the golden snitch. Or something. So that's kinda cool. I don't think her other brother has opened his yet. But he's like seventeen. So, ya know, he prolly doesn't care."

She gave him like this super thin smile at that and set the box back down. "Thanks," she muttered, starin' at the scarf.

"Sure," he shrugged. "I'm Ethan … by the way. Erin's my sister," he added gesturin' down to her and Kim standin' at the bottom of the bleachers. They were so tryin' to look like they were talkin' but it was super obvious they were watchin' them. And when they weren't watchin' them it was so obvious that they were likely talkin' about them.

"Zoë …," she allowed again at like a total whisper.

He just nodded. Cuz he'd got that much. Like her name and that she was like a year younger than him and that she was related to Kim and that she was new to the city or back in the city after a while or something and that her family was dealing with some pretty crappy stuff too. That'd pretty much been the lowdown he'd been given in the like be-nice-to-her lecture that Dad had gone off on. And like him havin' to go do it by remindin' him how much stuff sucked overall for him. Like that would make him want to be friends with her or something.

"You went to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter?" she finally asked after they both just sat there again. Cuz it was kinda of awkward and uncomfortable. But he figured he was supposed to sit there until Erin was done talkin' to Kim and he figured she was just gonna keep talkin' to her until it looked like the registration tables were open. And it looked like that was gonna be a bit cuz the rain had totally made this day a whole rain-delay deal. Sucked balls even more.

"Yea," he allowed because that was fuckin' obvious. Harry Potter.

"Was it fun?" she asked, givin' him another small glance.

"Definitely," Ethan allowed.

"Did it feel like you were really at Hogwarts?" she asked.

Ethan gave a little nod. "Yea, the castle is definitely pretty awesome. The greenhouses are just tight. And Forbidden Journey's prolly the best ride. But Diagon Alley is just lit. They've got like an actual fire breathing dragon. And you can buy all this like Dark Arts and Death Eater stuff in Knockturn Alley. And there's store where you can basically adopt the Beasts too. It's pretty sweet."

Zoë gave him a shy smile. "Did you go in Ollivanders?"

"Yea, definitely," Ethan nodded. "Me and Erin got picked to have a wand pick us or whatever."

"Did you get to keep it?" Zoë asked.

"Well, you hafta pay for it," Ethan muttered, "but yea. It's pretty epic, though. 'Cuz you get like this map and it shows you all these spells. So basically you can make all these statues and windows and fountains do insane stuff. If you cast your spells right. Some of it's way hard. You hafta to do it just right. But we did find all the Beasts. So that was sweet. Got like this Ministry of Magic thing."

Zoë gave him another shy little smile so he returned it. Cuz he knew it likely sounded like he was completely geekin' out which was sorta lame. But it had been pretty killer goin' through the park. Neat too cuz Erin had totally fan-girled too and unless it was like a totally rare vinyl find she didn't do that. She usually completely cast shade at his fandom shit. Not in a mean way. Just in like an older sister way. But not that day and it'd be sorta of awesome.

Kinda awesome too 'cuz she actually talked about Mom and told some stories and stuff. And usually she only did that when he completely out and asked her. But she just did that day. It'd been so weird but awesome and kinda of sad. 'Cuz he could tell that Erin really missed Mom too and usually she didn't say that even though he could tell sometimes. Tho, he could more tell with Dad. Like a lot, a lot.

"Sorry …,"Ethan mumbled. "My family says I kinda of motor-mouth when I get on stuff."

Zoë gave him a little shrug and reached to actually pick up the scarf to look at it. "It's OK," she said. "It's really neat your family went. My parents say that kind of stuff is really tacky and would never take me even though I really want to go."

"Yea," Ethan allowed. "My Dad's kinda got a stick up his ass about that kinda stuff too sometimes. It was my sister who took me. Erin. And like her boyfriend or fiancée or whatever. Jay. He works with your sister too."

"Kim's my aunt," Zoë put flatly, givin' them her own inspection. They were totally still over there treatin' them like some kind of zoo animals they were watchin' or like a social experiment or whateva. Like observin' them as some kind of experiment.

"Oh, yea, right …" Ethan nodded. Guess that made sense. Like most kids his age didn't have sisters Erin's age. Unless they were aunts. But that's not a sister.

"Your sister is way older than you …" Zoë mumbled pullin' her eyes away from Erin and Kim and lookin' all sad- and mad-like out ccross the field 'gain.

"Yea …," Ethan agreed. "She's like thirty. Or … thirty-one, I guess. It's her birthday today."

"Oh," Zoe said lookin' back down at them 'gain.

"Yea. I'm thirteen," he said. "Or like I'll be fourteen in June. Grade Eight."

"I'm twelve," Zoë said.

Ethan gave a little nod. "Yea. My Dad kinda mentioned." Zoe gave him a weirded out look. "I mean just like that you were basically my age and that you and Kim and your mom might be coming today."

"Oh …," she allowed and then went back to her whispered voice. "My mom's not coming."

"Yea …," Ethan allowed quietly, giving her a nervous look. "My Dad said too you're your family is going through some hard stuff right now. It sucks when people you care about get hurt."

Zoë looked away quickly and slouched onto her knees and like hugged herself.

Ethan kinda knew that body language too. He did it too. Cuz it sucked when people knew stuff about you. Or at least they thought they did.

Most people didn't know shit even when they thought they did. And even if they thought they knew what happened or what you were going through, they definitely didn't know how you felt at all. They couldn't get it.

Especially the grown-ups. They couldn't remember what things felt like as kids at all. They wanted you to deal with it all like an adult too. And you may not be a fuckin' little kid but you weren't an adult either and you weren't gonna feel like they felt. And you weren't gonna just act all like it was super easy to move on and forget about it and all that either. But that didn't mean you wanted to be thinkin' 'bout it or talkin' 'bout it all the time. Sometimes you just wanted to basically forget about it all too. Completely. Like oblivion.

"Sorry …," Ethan said. "I didn't mean anythin' by it or to like upset you. I just meant … I dunno. Sorry."

Zoë just looked down at Erin and Kim 'gain. Kinda glarin' at them.

"Why's your dad know so much about me?" She asked all mad-like.

"Oh ...," Ethan muttered. "My dad's Kim's like S.O. Like her boss. Voight. Like I'm Ethan Voight. Hank. That's my dad."

That angry look she was givin' Kim and Erin put him I the crosshairs instead. Totally unfair. But she musta known that cuz it went back to them. But she still kinda mumbled sorta like all angry, "Your sister is basically older than my aunt and almost my mom's age."

Like maybe that was supposed to be some kinda insult to him? But Ethan didn't know if it was that insultin'. He sorta thought having an older sister was kinda of great. 'Cuz she wasn't as old as Dad so she sorta knew more stuff about stuff. And, generally, Erin was way cooler than Dad. Though sometimes she could be just as lame. Or lamer.

But mostly it was like she was a great age to have an older sister. 'Cuz she knew stuff and could drive and had money to pay for shit and took him out and did things with him and some of it was pretty cool stuff. And she had her own place. Which was fuckin' sweet. And it meant he could completely get away from Dad when he was bein' a total dick. But since she didn't live with them he could completely get away from her too when she was bein' a fuckin' annoyin' sister. Which Erin really fuckin' could be sometimes. Like super annoyin'. And girl-like. Even tho she tried to be all bad-ass.

But, yeah. Sometimes it was kinda of confusin'. Since she was like an adult. And sometimes it kinda of felt maybe like she was more like an aunt. Not that he really had an aunt for comparison. But she definitely sometimes tried to be all bossy, like she was his fuckin' mom and thought he had to listen to her as much as he would have to listen to Dad. Which he totally didn't. But she got mad AF when he didn't listen to her. It was just sometimes she could be so fuckin' alpha and get all up his ass about the stupidest things. When he just wanted her to be his sister not whatever she was being. Like tryin' to be Dad or something.

But like what was he supposed to say? That it was weird havin' a big sister who was basically old enough to be his mom? Like he got that. People made that mistake all the time when they were out together. And it was really kind of annoyin' AF. But he didn't think it was that weird. Like he really couldn't imagine what it was like havin' like a brother or sister that was basically your age. Like he saw how Eva and Avery got along and they pretty much just seemed to annoy each other and piss each other off and fight constantly. But he sussed him and Erin were kinda that way too. Maybe him and J. But like Erin was still relatively BAE even when she sucked. Sometimes. As far as an older sister was concerned.

"Yea, I think my parents like missed the whole lesson on family plannin' in school or something," was all Ethan responded to that shade, though. "Or they're so old they didn't talk about that kinda of stuff back then. I dunno."

Zoë allowed him a little smile again. "Are your parents really old?" she asked.

He shrugged. "I dunno. I guess not. But my Dad is like a literal grandpa. Like I have a nephew who's like one and a half."

Zoë made a sound that was almost a giggle and looked at him. "So you're like an uncle?"

"Yea," he nodded. "Like pretty much the best uncle ever right here. Or like hopefully he'll think that later, I mean. Right now he basically just wants to kinda hand me toys, throw his toys or run around in circles. But he's gettin' to be more fun. He's comin' later. Likely. So you'll prolly get to meet him."

"I've only met Adam," Zoë said. "From Kim's work."

Ethan nodded. "Yea, they were like engaged or something,?"

Zoë shrugged. "I guess. For like nine months."

Ethan nodded. Maybe that was supposed to mean something. He sort of thought people usually didn't get engaged all long like. But Jay and Erin had been engaged basically foreva and seemed all happy most of the time. Like happier than a lot of grown-ups he knew and they acted kinda married-like with a house and stuff. So maybe they had it all figured out. Like they didn't break up after nine months of being engaged. If that was something people did? So maybe they were totally in the clear. He hoped. Cuz he liked Erin happy. And he liked Jay. So he didn't want them to like break up or not get married or whatever.

He looked over to Erin again. Tried to suss her out some. But she still seemed like basically her.

She caught his eyes tho and raised her eyebrow at him like she did. She was likely tryin' to tell him he wasn't bein' nice enough or friendly enough or whatever. But he didn't really know how to talk to this girl or what to talk about. He didn't really know whadda talk to anyone about ever. And it was super hard to talk to strangers. He didn't even like doin' that with anyone.

"I like your aunt," he tried. "She came to my birthday last year. And Christmas Eve this year. And sometimes I like crash her and Erin gettin' breakfast. They seem tight. Like Girl Power at work. Kim's always real nice to me."

"Yea ... she's nice," Zoë managed.

He slipped his feet along the bench. He tried to make streaks in the water there and like make a damn with his shoes and get the water to pool more all in one place.

The slidin' into the bases contest was going to be a total mud fest. That was actually likely gonna be pretty awesome. Like a complete slip-and-slide and mud bath. But he could totally see them cancellin' that event tho, 'cuz the parental units would likely get all worked up about gettin' their clothes and uniforms so dirty and gettin' in the cars and on the L and whatever covered in mud. Basically be lameass. Actually there'd probably be some parents who likely thought they should just reschedule the whole thing. They'd get all worked up that someone would slip and get hurt or they might get rained on and catch pneumonia or some stupid shit.

"You like baseball?" Ethan asked, giving her another glance.

"Not really," Zoë said.

"Oh …" Ethan watched her. She was still all like tucked into herself like he was goin' to attack her or something. Or like he'd said something that had been a real punch to her gut. "Well, are you going to do the skillz contest?" he asked anyway. 'Cuz if she wasn't, why'd they even come? But she just shrugged. "You know, this skillz comp, it's like an official MLB thing. If you do real good, you could end up getting to compete at real Major League Ballpark or even maybe go to All-Star Week."

"I don't really like baseball," she said.

"Yea, but there's some sweet prizes," he tried. "Like the real Cubs are our sponsors so there's usually some real tight stuff. For everyone. Not like just the winners."

"I thought this was some kind of fundraiser?" she gave him total side-eye.

He shrugged. "Yea … it is. But RIC just really wants to get to represent in the whole PHR Skills Comp. Be pretty epic if some of the RIC players get to advance. Amirite?"

"What's RIC?" she asked.

"Oh …," Ethan mumbled because maybe no one had really told her what the event was she was at or why they were doin' it or what they were fundraisin' for. And that was just … awkward. "It's the Rehab Institute. So they do like … physical therapy and cognitive therapy and occupational therapy and all of that. They have some pretty awesome stuff. And for like us. Kids and teens and youth or whateva. You could probably join if you wanted. Like if you're going to be in Chicago for a while."

"I'm not and I'm not…" she kinda stared at him and he could tell she was tryin' to find some sort of word that wasn't offensive.

So at least she was sorta nice enough to do that. 'Cuz some people weren't. Tho, people kinda decidin' what was and wasn't 'K to say on their own was kind of offensive too. 'Cuz it was kinda like it gave them the go-ahead to define the words and sorta decide which were the bad ones. And that sucked too.

But Ethan just shrugged at her. "My dad had kinda said you got hurt real bad a few years back so I didn't know if you still did any sort of PT or whatever."

"I don't," she muttered and looked away 'gain. "Just doctor's appointments sometimes."

He nodded. "Well, I dunno. You might still be able to get to do some of the stuff if your doctor gave you a note. My friend Evan is hardly disabled. Like you can barely tell he was hurt or sick. Unless you look at his hand basically. But he still gets to use RIC. But I guess he still does rehab stuff. You might want to check. Some of their parties and drop-in stuff and like summer camps and weekend classes and stuff are pretty lit. Like I do rock climbing. And I might do scuba lessons this summer. Maybe. We did snorkelling n Florida too. Like with just a mask. We found all these shark teeth fossils. And shells."

It was seriously awesome. Like total 500. Nearly as lit as the parks. Like even Jurassic Park and Star Wars and Harry Potter. Outta the park actually. But She gave him more side-eye. He gazed at her. Since she clearly wasn't down with talkin' 'bout Florida or sharks or fossils.

"Do you play any other sports? We have all sorts of leagues."

"Soccer," she muttered. "In Pittsburgh. Not here. And I'm not in a wheelchair."

He squinted at her. "Yea," he muttered with some of his own anger and fuckin' annoyance. Cuz he really hated how people always thought disability meant a wheelchair. Actually he completely hated like 'disability' as a word at all. Cuz of what people thought it meant and what it looked like and how they treated you if you were 'disabled'. "Neither am I." She cast him another look and he glared hard to try to get her to take the point and the hint. "Neither are my friends Eva or Evan. And no one on my team."

She just made a sound and looked away again. She was seriously doin' the Pout-Pout fish hard. Dad had a point. It was a shitty look on anyone.

"So basically with all the RIC sports there's a wheelchair team and an accessibility team," Ethan mumbled.

'Cuz he could completely tell she totally didn't care. Or at least she was tryin' to act like she didn't give a shit. But he also knew that sometimes he did that when it wasn't true. He just didn't want people to know like how alone he felt and how much he was hurtin'. But that didn't totally mean he wanted them to leave him a lone either. 'Cuz sometimes bein' alone hurt more. Cuz then you got all in your own head and that just sucked in a completely different way. It was like scary. People bein' around made it all way less scary even if you didn't really want them around you still did in a way. It was basically really frustrating' and confusin' and it sucked giant balls.

"I'm on the accessibility team. For ball," he said. "And the season starts in a few weeks. So we're just tryin' to raise some cash."

"But the Cubs are you sponsors …?" she mumbled off into her elbow.

"Well … yea," Ethan squinted at her.

"So then why do you need to have a fundraiser?" she put to him.

"Umm …," he thought about it. "I dunno. Like they are our major sponsor but it's not like they pay for everything. And like RIC got invited down to a tournament at the Field of Dreams," he told her. Cuz it was fuckin' excite' but she just looked at him like he was some kind of alien. "It's a baseball movie," he sighed. "But the actual diamond … it's in Iowa. So it's kinda far. And this year's Invitationals at the end of the season are supposed to be in Baltimore. So that's way far too. So there's like travel costs if we're gonna go and if we get to the World Series …"

She just stared at him. He shrugged. "Well, and like Under Armor kinda supplied some of stuff too. Like did discounts or subsidies for cleats and stuff. But the team kinda voted and it sounds like most people don't want to be usin' that anymore. You know, since Under Armor really supports Trump and since he's got a problem with people with disabilities. So, some people on the team might need some help changin' out their gear."

She just stared at him more. But he was kinda of used to that too. It seemed like most people gave him that look when he talked. Like besides his family. And maybe Eva and Avery. It was like he didn't say stuff right or explain it good or something.

"And really RIC does like a bunch of stuff for the RIC kids," he tried again. "Like camp and parties and dances and the drop-in. And all the pediatric stuff, we just got this totally new building. The Ability Lab? Have you seen it? It's that big glass tower just off Mag Mile? Like it's the whole block between Ontario and Erie?" She was still giving him that look. "So, yeah … anyways … the stuff they've got there for our PT and rehab is just … state of the art. It's seriously lit. Like way better than before at the adult center and hospital. So … not all the money we raise today is goin' to ball. Like it's for everyone."

She wasn't even lookin' then. She prolly wasn't even listenin'. And Ethan couldn't decide if that was cuz he was talkin' weird or cuz she was mad at Kim or her mom or like she was just hurtin'. If she was anything like him it was prolly kind of all of that. 'Cuz that's how he felt most of the time about basically everything. Especially if that everything was some bullshit his dad or Erin were forcin' him to do.

"Anyways …" he mumbled, givin' her his own side-eye. "Basically … doing the skillz comp is free and you don't have to be an RIC kid to do it. My friend Eva's little brother is going to do it. They'll prolly be here soon."

He really hoped so 'cuz hopefully then Erin would let him go and hang with them rather than keep sittin' here under some kind of guard. Though, Eva's grandma was bringing them and she was like crazy strict. Like even stricter than Dad. So hangin' with them might not be too much fun. But hopefully it also meant that Eva wouldn't be havin' to babysit Avery so they could actually like really hang. And do some of the cool shit.

Ethan so wanted to do the Grand Slam contest. And Dad had already said he'd pay for his first six balls. Tho Dad also said he was goin' to do it too. And Dad fuckin' hit. Like major pop. Outta the park too. Easy.

And Jay. And Will. They were gonna do it too. But Ethan was pretty sure Dad would beat 'em. Even though Will said he used to play ball, but Jay said he was only the bat boy.

"You're gonna to play on our kickball team, tho, right?" he asked. "That's not really baseball. And you play soccer. So … ?"

She gave him even more side-eye.

He shrugged. "I just thought your sis … I mean aunt ... was on our team. But it's cool if you just wanna watch or whatever."

She slumped forward 'gain and put her chin on her hands on her knees. Ethan copied her. Cuz it was definitely a good way to sit and it made it a whole lot more comfortable on the benches and to see through to the set-up going on. And to make them way less visible to Erin and Kim all lookin' at them.

"This is close to Kim's condo. I can walk back whenever I want," Zoë muttered.

Ethan nodded. "Coolio. Erin and Jay looked up here for a place too.. Is Kim in Roscoe?" Zoë just gave him another glance.

Maybe she didn't really know. Dad did say she was basically kinda new to Chicago. Or just moved back or whatever. And didn't know too many people yet. But like he didn't really believe that if she was basically just back that her sis… aunt … would be lettin' her walk home alone. Especially if her mom had just gotten hurt. Like this might be like an uber nice area of Chicago but when he was twelve Dad basically didn't let him walk anywhere more than like four blocks away on his own. Like ever. Unless it was to school or to District.

"This is our home field," he said. "For the Cubs."

"It looks like pavement," she muttered.

He shrugged. "Well, that one is for the wheelchair team to use," he said. "I mean, there's fourteen other diamonds here."

She didn't seem all that impressed. But Ethan thought it was a pretty killer ballpark. Like it was the Park of Legends. But he didn't think she'd know what he meant if he told her and that he'd likely explain it wrong and who Ernie Banks, Ryne Sandberg, Ron Santo, and Billy Williams were. And then she'd give him that look again.

"So yeah … I think they're going to be doing the kickball on that diamond. But the skillz comps will be on another one. The kickball's just for fun, tho. Well, all of it is. I mean, my nephew, Henry … he's on our team. But he's pretty good at kicking. And people will let him get to base. Because he's killa cute. And Jay. He used to play soccer. So he'll actually be good. And his brother is gonna play. And my dad. Or at least he'll be a base coach or something. And my Aunt Trudy. Maybe you met her? Like … Sergeant Platt?"

Zoë gave him another small glance at that. "She's you're aunt?"

"Not like real aunt. I just call her that. Her and my dad have worked together along time. I think she's basically known me since I was a baby maybe. But her and her husband live near here too. And my friend Evan lives on the North Side too. Him and Eva and her brother and her grandma are all going to play. It will be fun. And people basically sponsored us since it's like CPD and RIC and all that."

Zoë gave him another look. "This is what you're making your sister do on her birthday?" she said.

And he knew the voice. He used it all the time too. When he was tryin' to get people to leave him alone. But like he was tryin' to make them to hurt or at least feel pretty shit in the process.

Ethan only shrugged, tho. "She said she wanted to," he offered. And scrubbed his chin against his hands on his knees. "Her friend died on her birthday like two years ago. So she said that she wanted to do something distractin' but like something that she thought her friend would've liked a lot. And she says that her friend would've really liked me. And that she would've totally supported the stuff RIC does to help kids. And she definitely would've signed up to be on our kickball team and that she probably would've gotten us the most sponsors too 'cuz she knew how to talk to people real good."

And he didn't. And Ethan knew he probably wouldn't have talked to Erin's friend real good either. But she sounded like she was real nice too when Erin talked about her. And he sorta thought he probably would've liked her.

But he was really just glad that Erin had decided to let them do anything for her birthday. Cuz she'd said at first that she didn't want to do anything and she said that she just wanted like alone time with Jay. But that kind of sucked a lot. Cuz it was her birthday and you should spend your birthday with family. Especially now.

And she'd missed her last birthday with them and it was an important one. Like turning thirty was a big deal cuz you're basically officially old. She kept saying she was more like officially a grown-up. But it just seemed kinda old. Even though Erin didn't seem that old. Like she was still fun and didn't dress or act that old and still liked some pretty cool things. Some. Or at least she liked kinda like retro stuff that was sorta cool too.

But she hadn't come to his Robotics Regionals last year on her birthday weekend. And she'd barely let Dad take her out for dinner. And then she'd gone away with Jay. So they basically did nuttin' for her birthday. And that sort of sucked. Cuz holidays are for family time. And birthdays were a basically a holiday. And should have traditions and all that. And really birthdays were important and you only got so many and sometimes it could be your last one and you didn't even know it. And no one else did either. So you should pretty much spend it with family. Always.

"She said she wanted to spend it with her family too," Ethan muttered, rubbing his cheek against his knuckles. Cuz she had. Like maybe she got it too. Or maybe she just said that for him. But Ethan just knew he got his whole fam together that day so he didn't care too much why. He just really cared that Erin had agreed. "Our brother died in the summer." He saw Zoë give him another glance at that. "And our mom's dead. It kinda sucks. So we're basically spending today together."

Zoë gazed at him. Like it was pretty much the first time since goin' all Pottermore that she'd looked at him. But maybe she was finally catchin' on that he wasn't tryin' to be a dick. And that like maybe Erin had sent him up there for a reason. And maybe like her aunt wouldn't be lettin' him chill with her if he was a complete jagoff. And like maybe other people had shit going on in their lives too. But he got that sometimes it sucked acknowledgin' that other people had to deal with just as hard stuff or harder than you. Not that it was a fuckin' competition and not like stuff was comparable. Just like Eva's stuff wasn't the same as his stuff. But both of their situations blew bad. But sometimes you just really had to be low key. Or else you'd just lose yourself if you let it all be like … Chief Thunder Cloud stuff. Or oblivion. Both were sorta savage and not in like a good savage way.

"But your dad isn't here, is he? Or her fiancée?"

Ethan allowed her a little smile at that. But it was like more his own smile. Cuz it made him think of that morning. And it'd been so bad. But his family definitely didn't know how to like pull off anything that didn't go all stupid. Like maybe that was their biggest tradition. That it had to be stupid bad so it could be stupid good.

He rubbed his cheek against his knuckles again. "Jay got her a barbecue for her birthday."

"A barbecue?" Zoë scrunched up her nose.

Ethan smiled. "Yea. And it was super funny because it was this totally huge box and she was so excited openin' it. I think she thought it was like new speakers or something. But it wasn't. Her face was hilarious."

"That's kinda … bad," she agreed.

"Yea," Ethan acknowledged. "I mean, it sorta makes sense cuz they just go their house in the fall and like Jay's been talkin' all winter about the grills coming on sale and gettin' to have barbecues. And like … Erin likes barbecue. Or at least my Dad's. But yea … it's a barbecue. Erin said it's almost as bad as when my dad got my mom a frying pan that he says was like some cast iron skillet like that makes it any better. Like Jay hadn't heard that story a billion times like the rest of us and still went and got her a barbecue."

Zoë scrunched up her nose more. "So is he out buying her a better present?"

Ethan shook his head and laughed a little into his elbow. "No. But he so should. My dad is givin' both of them a hard time 'bout it. Like he's bustin' Jay's balls for being all clueless but tellin' Erin that she should see it as a lifetime commitment of him cooking for her and be grateful."

"He should definitely go get her a different present," Zoe said.

"Yea," Ethan grunted. "Maybe I should text him and tell him that. But like what would he get her basically last minute."

"Flowers. That is definitely a good start," Zoë said in a way that only a girl would. Eva always said that about flowers too. Ethan did not get what the thing was about flowers. They smelled way too much and then they died. Why spend money on that? Like a barbecue seemed like a better gift then flowers.

"Maybe …," he mumbled and pulled out his phone, lookin' at it and tryin' to text to Jay. Maybe he could like go get Erin a record or something. Or ice cream. It pretty much made everything better and Erin liked ice cream. A lot. Maybe that'd make her forget about the barbecue and be way better than stinky flowers.

"So is he not here because Erin's mad at him?" Zoë asked.

He glanced at her and shoved his phone back into his pocket. Cuz it'd hafta wait. Cuz if Erin saw him using it she'd likely come and take it away since he was supposed to be talkin' to Zoë and not screwin' around on his phone. Even if he was tellin' Jay that he should get her something better.

"Nah," he shrugged. "I mean, I don't think she's that mad really. They kinda just tease each other a lot and do this like fake annoyed stuff. Most of the time. Sometimes they're pissed at each other. But she didn't seem pissed. Just like … that he was stupid. Like really stupid cuz he bought one that wasn't put together and he forgot to buy propane. When he like basically he bought it to cook her dinner tonight. Like her other present she got to unwrap was steak."

"Steak?" Zoë gaped at him.

"Yea. Like it wasn't even in wrapping paper. It was like in butcher paper in a birthday bag." And it was completely fuckin' hilarious. Cuz Erin liked steak. But who the fuck wants meat in a bag as a present? Tho maybe it'd be different if it was like jerky or smoked trout. But bloody dead cow?

Zoë made a face. "So they actually are getting divorced now. Before they get married."

"Nah, he just had to stay home to like actually put it together and go and buy like gas for it."

"And your dad is helping him?" Zoë asked.

"I think his brother is. But my dad … like our family tradition is that everyone gets to ask for what meal they want on their birthday. So even though Jay and Erin are doing a barbecue, Erin still told dad that she wants Classy Chicken. She asks for it every year and it's super gross. Like it looks like yellow diarrhea full of undigested broccoli chunks."

Zoë made a gagging sound and Ethan laughed.

"Yea, it's disgusting. It's like canned creamed chicken soup and melted cheddar cheese and curry powder."

"That does not sound edible!" Zoë said.

"It's totally not," Ethan agreed. "And usually my dad refuses to make it. But like this year he is. Cuz she's been asking about it forever. Like he won't even give her the recipe 'cuz he thinks it's that gross. So she looked it up online and made it herself. But she said it didn't taste right. And Jay said it was 'very special'."

Ethan laughed. Zoë scrunched her nose again. "Did you have to eat it?"

He shook his head. "I can't. But like no loss. And really my dad making it prolly won't even be that good like she wants cuz it was my mom who made it all the time. And only Erin and my mom liked it. And she still asks for it even now. And now she wants this strawberry cake my mom made too. So that's gonna be a total disaster too. 'Cuz my dad completely can't bake. Like seriously it doesn't matter what he tries to make or the recipe or anything, it all basically is as hard as a rock. And he swears a lot while he's doing it. So I'm never allowed to be home. Basically he puts like twenty bucks in the Swear Jar up front before he even starts baking."

Zoë gave him a shy smile but at least she was smiling again. Like she had a kinda of nice smile. He guessed. And not in like a gross way.

"ETHAN!" he heard shouted at him and looked across toward the sound.

Eva had got there and she'd brought her whole gear bag. He'd wanted to do that too but Dad hadn't let him. Now with her hurtin' it, Avery was like basically already sprintin' up to the registration table.

Her grandma wasn't there but she likely was parking. It sucked when she drove them anywhere because she always drove around and around and around until she found the perfect spot. Like seriously sometimes it would've been faster to walk wherever they were goin' then to get a lift. Ethan figured that Eva had managed to convince her to drop them off at the park and then to go on her hunt.

He gave her a wave and Eva pointed over at the diamond where they were settin' up all the stuff for the Pitch, Hit, Run competiton and the one next to it where it looked like they already had the table set up to sell tickets for the Grand Slam Contest. He could sorta see the balls set up at the mound and the choice of bats hung along the fence. But he made himself look back over at Zoë.

"That's my friend Eva," he said. "I think registration is open now. You sure you don't wanna do the Skillz Comp? I mean, the worst that will happen is that you'll get like a Cubs keychain or magnet or sticker or something."

Zoë looked at him. For a sec he thought her answer was still no. And he got that. He mighta said no too. But it meant That she was still going to do the Pout-Pout fish. But she finally stood up and trotted down the bleachers to hand her Harry Potter swag to Kim.

"We're going to go sign up to do the Skills Competition," Zoë told Kim.

"Oh …," Kim looked a little surprised or like a lot and cast Ethan a look as he worked his way down the steps of the bleacher but gave him a little smile. "OK!"

Zoë just shrugged and looked at Erin. "Happy birthday," she said.

Erin smiled. "Thanks," she allowed and gave Ethan's shoulder a little squeeze when he got down. "You know the whole kickball team is invited back over to my house after. We're going to have a barbecue and some cake."

Zoë gave Ethan a silly smile. And he caught it. He kinda liked it. He gave her a shyer one back. Cuz it was sorta like a secret. Cuz he wasn't gonna tell Erin he was talkin' 'bout her yellow diarrhea. But he'd likely tell Zoë she didn't have to eat it if she came.

"I kinda heard," Zoë said. "I mean, Ethan said so."

His sister smiled at him too and shook his shoulder. "Yea?"

That clearly made her happy. But erin had done a total mom thing, or at least a total Dad thing, and told him that what she really wanted for her birthday was for everyone to get alone and be nice to each other. So he had been. Cuz Erin wanted it and cuz Zoë had been through some shit too and he knew that sucked but she still seemed nice 'nuff and Kim was too.

"So then I hope I'll see you and Kim there too," Erin said.

Zoë shrugged so he'd definitely have to tell her there'd be BBQ chicken there and not just chicken poop. And not just bloody cow neither.

"Yeah. Maybe," she said and she started to follow in the direction that Eva and Avery had headed. Ethan started after her too.

"So just flag me over if I need to sign anything. Or right before you're going to demonstrate those mad skillz," Kim called after them.

Zoë gave Ethan a look at that. Like that total adults bring lame-o look. But he just shrugged. Cuz he knew older sisters or aunts or whatever could be kinda of embarrassing. But that was kinda 'K too.

"She's tryin'," he offered to her. Cuz he'd definitely learned that when things were total shit tryin' counted for a whole lot more than button'.

Zoë shrugged too. "Yea … I know."

 **AUTHOR NOTE: So I'm not sure this was the best chapter to do in Ethan's POV but there was an attempt. I might try another one in the future that either more specifically has to do with Voight and/or the loss of Justin. Or maybe Jay/Erin's relationship. I'm not sure how I feel about the way this chapter turned out or if his voice and thought process and personality shone through quite the way I wanted. But it's written. So you can read it.**

 **For those that haven't noticed, I posted a new story, From the Get. Again, be warned, it's sort of a fanfic within a fanfic, int hat it uses the characters and some of their backtories from this AU. But it's not necessarily where this story (So It Goes) is headed and it is a standalone story. And also that I won't be updating it constantly or regularly. Just bit by bit and it's really only going to be a snap-shot type thing. Likely only 8-12 chapters.**

 **Thanks for your readership. Your reviews, comments and feedback are appreciated.**


	31. Dual Suspension

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

Hank held at the back of the seat of the mountain bike that Ethan had saddled. The kid could barely reach the ground and was hardly keeping balance on the thing while he tried to spin at the wheels and squeeze at the brakes. He felt like he was back to Magoo learning to ride his first two-wheeler. Like he was going to be expected to go sprinting down the street at any second to try to keep up with the kid until he let go and hoped he didn't wipe out.

Seemed like this was actually going to be about the third round of him having to do that with Magoo. Did it once when he was just a real little guy. Like most things with Magoo when he was still just a pre-schooler back their previous life with him, he'd been a little ahead of the game. Older brother and sister in the house he was so determined to keep up with. Just like he'd barely crawled before he went right to walking, his kid had basically jumped right from a tricycle to a two-wheeler.

Snagging that little toddler bike from Al and Meredith of Lexi's and going out and buying some training wheels for the damn thing had been a fucking waste of time and cash. He'd barely gotten the things screwed into the bike before Magoo was wanting them off. He hadn't even reached his fourth birthday and was teetering down the street that spring. Wanting Daddy to hold on. Fucking testing his 45-year-old back and knees as he stooped to keep his frenzied ride upright. Not that he had to do it too many runs down the block. Just as quick Magoo was demanding that he "LET GO!" "NO HANDS!"

Thought that would likely be his last experience getting to teach a kid to ride a bike. Really, had thought that teaching J was probably going to be his only run at that game. Had been a real different experience with J than E. J had been so fucking timid about it. There'd been a period where he thought that the kid was never going to get the training wheels off. Had finally taken them off when J was in Grade Two when spring rolled around and the kid thought he wanted to be riding his bike to school with the rest of the kids in the neighborhood.

Wasn't going to happen when their seven-year-old was still attached to his training wheels. Hank had figured he'd survived his first winter of PeeWee hockey. Should've technically had the skill and co-ordination – and fucking balance – to finally pull the damn things off. But J just hadn't been ready for it.

Never wanted him to let go. Got to the point Hank did anyways. Because you had to. That's the way they learn. But there had just so many wipe outs on the street and in the park. Scrapped up knees and elbows. Bumps and bruises. And J would just look at him with such disgust. This real mistrust.

Been weeks and weeks before he was willing to give it a try again. And then it was initially just J wobbling back and forth in the backyard. Wasn't wiping out but sure wasn't keeping his feet up either. Or holding his wheel tight and straight. But he'd finally gotten to the point that he was willing to try out front again. Willing to let the old man touch the back of his bike. And that time, Hank hadn't let go until J told him. Had him running near all the way up to Addams Park before he'd been given the go ahead. And his boy had kept his balance that time.

Been a real rush watching it. But a real strange feeling of letting go. Knowing you needed to. But knowing it was just another tick on a long checklist of moments you were going to have to do that. In giving your kids their freedom. Of making them – and letting – them grow up. Change and growth in the family and in the relationship. It's strange the sort of things that drive that point home through your life. Throughout your kids' lives.

Hadn't really expected to have the experience again. But did. And just like J and E were in so many ways – it was different. So fucking different. And had thought that would be it. Because teaching a kid to ride their bike – that was a father's job. So even if he did get grandkids hadn't expected to be there when it happened. Had thought he'd be more likely going over and having the kiddos showing off their brand name skill to Popa. And figured getting to see them that way would be its own little rush and feeling of amazement. Bittersweet in its own way.

But also hadn't worked out that way. Because he got to teach E to ride a bike again after his head got bashed in. Just like he had to help teach a seven-year-old to walk and talk and eat and use a toilet again. Teaching him how to ride a bike again had been fairly low priority in the scheme of things. But it'd happened. Though, Eth was nearly nine by the time it did and he'd only just settled back into it before the fucking shit hit the fan again and he made the decision to shelter his boy by pulling him away from all he fucking knew. And he fucking missed the signs that something was going on with his kid that would mean that he'd get a fucking third go at the bike thing.

Didn't think it'd be so bad this time. E had been tearing around on the little stunt bike that J and Olive had picked up for him a couple summers ago. Wouldn't exactly say E was balanced on it – but he did manage to stay upright. Even if he fucking webbled and wobbled down the street and ended up teetering enough that he was constantly having to drop his feet to stabilize himself. Going to be lucky if he didn't end up with a sprained ankle that summer. But the kid seemed committed to it. Wanted it real bad. Was putting in time on the stationary bike at PT after every session. Getting some feedback from his therapists.

E wasn't accepting too well, though, that there was a real difference between a stationary bike and a fucking mountain bike. Wasn't accepting either that the stationary bike he used was one of those recumbent things. Or listening to the different models or modifications that might be necessary for him to really get the most of out riding with M.S. without his body getting fucking pissed at him for even trying. And also was really trying to ignore that Hank wasn't too excited about letting him take off anywhere but up to Addams or over to Erin's place. Least with the way he was riding these days on the little BMX. Didn't want him to get any fucking ideas in his head about any stunts he could actually pull with that thing either. End up with some more fucking brain injury. Teen-agers are fucking brain-dead enough without TBI and M.S. in the mix.

Did know his concern about his son's fucking balance, co-ordination and endurance on a bike wasn't going to improve any with this fucking dual suspension mountain bike the kid had his heart set on. Definitely wasn't on the list of models or modifications that made any sense for an M.S. kid. Didn't understand how his kid thought the thing bouncing over and feeling every little bump was going to do anything to help out his teetering all over the place either. And didn't know he'd be able to teach his kid how to get over that. That he'd ever be ready to let go of the seat when Magoo wanted to ride a bike like that.

"This bike is tight, Dad," Ethan said. It was a youth bike. Apparently E wasn't even youth size yet. He could barely fucking reach the handlebars. Was bent over real far. Hank wasn't loving that.

Also really wasn't loving that word that had entered his vocabulary. One of Avery's favorites that had fucking trickled in with all the buzzing around he'd been doing with Eva and her brother. Thought the kid was likely trying to model after his older brother. Good kids. Good family. Least dad and grandma. But that neighborhood they were in – that school that Isaiah was in – you had to have some street sense. And the kids were fronting a bit. Had heard their grandma cut into them when they started on with the street act a bit too much. But could only do so much about it.

Wasn't just the block they were on anyway. Fucking kids at Ignatius were working at corrupting E's vocabulary just as much. Fucking bullshit that came out of those kids' mouths was even more moronic than all this 'tight', 'lit', 'savage' crap that Magoo had been trying on for size. All these fucking acronyms and emoji, 'Net talk that they'd turned into words. And that wasn't even getting into their spelling and writing skills. Kids couldn't differentiate a letter from a fucking numeric character anymore, let alone put together a name sentence. Thought expressing themselves could be summed up with a fucking pile of shit grinning at them. That just wiffed of the bullshit it was.

These kids E was going to school with sounded like they were the ones with the brain damage half the time. Certainly didn't sound like the came from upper crust families able to pay for them to have a fucking Ivy League college prep education. But sometimes when you came from money like that each generation just seemed to get more fucking retarded. Trust fund babies. Nearly as bad as crack babies.

Hated it. His kid was better than that. They were a good family too. Valued education too. Had put a whole lot of emphasis and time into his learning – and busted his ass too damn hard to pay even the subsidized tuition to get his three kids through Ignatius. His boy wasn't going to come out of that talking worse than he had coming out of the Brain Trauma Unit.

Hard to crack down on it too much, though. Because his kid was just trying to fit in. And he was just being a teenager. But he sounded like a moron and Hank was pretty damn sure half the time – likely more than half – E wasn't even using all this slang right. Likely just making himself a bigger mark to all the kids than he would if he kept his mouth shut.

"Don't like you talking like that," he rasped, shaking the seat a bit and E's feet immediately dropped from the pedals. And didn't touch the ground. He grunted. "Get off."

He listened but gave him a look as he did. "I didn't swear," he said. Size of the bike, it'd been real hard for E to get his leg over too. Tripped and stumbled as he did.

Hank just grunted at that too and paced down the aisle a bit to look at the boys' bikes. Or to see if the had some fucking measuring tape available so he could measure his kid and try to figure out the frame size and wheel size that would make better sense. Way fucking better sense than picking whatever looked 'tight'.

"Tight," Hank graveled, giving his kid a glance and doing some of his own mental math measurements. "Lit. Didn't sick of hearing them out of your mouth. Like too. Getting this close to taking a nickel off your allowance every time you say 'like'. Thing you'll lose a week's worth of dough before we're done breakfast."

"I don't say 'like' that much," Ethan grumbled at him and did that awkward gait thing of his over to where he was standing.

That was the other thing with this whole bike thing. E only seemed to manage the pedals too well when he was in his brace. Keeping his foot at a normal angle. Giving him support. But the kid fucking hated having that brace on for anything that wasn't some sports activity. All this talk about how he was going to wear the brace all day every day so no one knew he had any sort of mobility problem had fallen to the wayside real quick. It was uncomfortable. It was hot. And it got fucking sweaty and smelled worse than a fucking hockey locker room. Which meant that his son was pretty ripe when he had it on too. Didn't seem to matter how much they worked at cleaning it or the different methods they tried to freshen the damn thing up. About the most they'd be told was to wear the compression stockings with it and to get a fucking second one so he wasn't wearing his "daily use" one for his sports and athletics.

Because their fucking insurance company covered multiple braces and mobility devices in a year? Bullshit. All these lifetime caps on the things. And with E having to still reach his growth spurts and puberty, didn't intend to be blowing the life-time amount upfront. Might consider doing it out of pocket if E actually used the damn thing. But he didn't. Not for school or around the house or running errands. Wanted his crutches for all that. Could speed along on them when he wanted. One his good days. Ones where he wasn't hurting. Sometimes had to tell him to slow down and not get so far ahead of everyone. Or be making people on the street fucking have to dodge around him when he was propelling himself like that.

But since he'd accepted he did a whole lot better on the bike with the brace, there'd be some fucking incidents where he ended up at Erin's and he was then getting a call about bringing over E's crutches. Or he'd have Jay or Erin showing up at his house to fucking retrieve them. Still better then the time he fucking bungee corded the things to the little BMX to take with him up to the park. That'd been the only admitted wipe out he'd had. And it'd been a good one. Ripped up his elbow good. Fucking bruised his hip. And the crutches had taken some road rash too. So that wasn't going to happen again. Not on his watch.

That was the thing, though. His watch wasn't as long anymore. Jay and Erin had him a few days a week. He was starting to let E just head home now that Robotics season was over and he wasn't hanging around Ignatius until dinner. Let him have a couple hours in the house alone. Still had him on an electronic leash in that time period. But he had the place to himself – even if the time was supposed to be occupied by homework and chores. And knew that when he hit high school in the fall – when he was fourteen – was going to have to give him the normalcy, responsibility and independence … and trust – of getting some more time in the house. Would still do his best to make sure that E had activities and PT and tutoring and whatnot filling some of his after-school hours, but the kid would get to help a bit more in those decisions. And he'd get some more leeway in being at home, being alone and managing his health and his time and his responsibilities on his own too. And Hank knew from experience that making that transition came with its share of bumps. And that E wasn't going to always be doing his homework, checking off his chore chart, starting up dinner and taking the mutt out for a walk on the afternoons and evenings that he had the house to himself. Tearing around on a bike might be one of the lesser evils in terms of possibilities. But still opened the door for some bumps and bruises when you started to ease up the watch.

"Don't like you talking like you aren't getting an education," Hank said and reached up above him to guide a 20" wheel off the upper rack. Thought that might be a better choice.

But E gave him a look as he got it down. "Dad," he barked at him. "That's a kid's bike!"

Hank smacked and pointed at the seat in a silent order for him to come over and see if he could straddle it any better. "Other one's too big for you."

"I'm not riding that!" E protested.

Hank shrugged and gestured at the row-upon-row of choices in front of him. "Lots of others to choose from."

Ethan huffed and looked at the ones directly in front of him. "What about these? At least they aren't like toddler bikes."

Hank smacked but went over to his son. Reached and twisted the wheel on one. They were still youth bikes but looked like they had a few that were 24 inches. A bit smaller than what E was looking a before.

"Which one you eyeing?" Hank asked him.

Didn't think the kid even considered the bikes. Not the colors or the price or the make. Just pointed right at one of the two dual-suspensions in that section.

"That one," he said.

Hank shook his head. "No," he put flatly.

E crossed his arms and glared at him. "I'm paying for it. I can get what I want."

Hank gave him a smack, shoving his tongue into his cheek and his hands into his pocket. E's eyes flickered. Kid knew he'd pushed it.

"You going to talk to me with some respect or are we heading home?" he put to his boy.

Been getting that a lot lately out of Magoo. Just minor lip and talkback. The whole tone and attitude routine. Figured part of it was the whole Eighth Grader thing. Getting a little too big for his briefs over there. Thinking he was a bit of a hot shot.

Expected it. Erin had been a fucking pain in their ass at fourteen. She might've been a scared little girl who was fucking terrified they were going to send her back out to the street. But she also tried to push their buttons. Tried real fucking hard. More with Camille than him. Push, push, push. Always some comment about everything. Nothing could be said without her getting the last word. Some sass or comeback. And trying to make rules? After she'd grown up in a house without any? Fourteen had been fucking hell with her. And fourteen had been fucking holy hell with Justin. Really likely was some ring of purgatory.

His freshmen year? Their sweet little boy had turned into this wannabe tough guy. Real fucking chip on his shoulder. Trying to be a jock. And trying to just not give a shit all at the same time. It wasn't that J talked back. It was that J acted like he couldn't even hear a goddamn thing they said. Treated them like the invisible family. Maybe had rules about how much alone time the kids got to take as teens to go lock themselves away in their room. But being kept down on the main level sure as fuck hadn't meant that J tried to interact with them. Sit there with his headphones on an pretend like he was off in some parallel universe where they weren't around. Wouldn't play with his baby brother. Wouldn't help his mom out with so much as setting the table – let alone doing anything for dinner or making any sort of requested run to the store to pick up some meat or veg or milk to go with the meal. Always getting phone calls from Cami about if he could either pick up something to go on the table or if he could go pick up Justin because he hadn't come home from school but she figured he was at one of the fucking Bad News Bears that he found his way in with real quick. These fucking anarchists without a cause who barely understood what the word meant.

And then he was just always at Erin giving her shit about living at home and her not doing the college thing. Acting like he had any fucking role or responsibility in policing her life and making sure she stayed on track in that transition from teenager to young adult. Like he had a fucking say in how long his sister would be living at home and what the terms and conditions were around that. When that had been a fucking long and ongoing conversation that him and Cami had had together and had to check-in with Erin a whole hell of a lot until they got her head on straight and her into the Academy. Parenting didn't fucking end when the kid graduated high school. And you sure as fuck didn't get to start running point in the family when you were some high school freshman.

So he knew that the gauntlet was coming with Magoo. But also knew that it was going to be different yet again. And this time he wasn't going to have back-up. Least not the same way as you did when you had a spouse. When you're kid had two parents. A mom. Knew that high school – the teen years – with Ethan were going to be real fucking hard. High school with E wasn't going to be a transition like with the other kids. They were all different. But – he was real fucking different sometimes. As a kid and for him as a father. For him to figure out how to parent. Alone. And any attitude or anger or talkback that came out of it was going to be its own fucking pain in the ass. But Hank would just really prefer to get him through to June – officially done with Grade Eight and officially fourteen – before he fucking officially had to start dealing with this fourteen-year-old bullshit.

Kid knew that too. Because as soon as he'd said it to his boy, E had gone and darted his eyes away. Took a real interest in the ground. Because E knew when he was being an ass. Just didn't check himself on it a lot. Part of that was the age and the stage. Part of that was the fucking brain damage. But knew under the tone and attitude, his boy was a good kid. All his kids were. Even with their flaws and their problems and their fucking banana peels and the hard times and hard years, all three of them were good, good kids. Best things he'd done with his life. The most worthwhile.

So even moments like this, Hank did his best to check himself too. Remind himself that E was a nice kid. His weird little screwball of a kid so unlike and so the same as his other two. And a kid he wanted to keep a good, solid relationship with throughout the coming years. Didn't want to always having to play the bad cop or be the disciplinarian constantly. Wanted their relationship to just be built on some respect and trust so that they could have some good times and good memories together. Have a good relationship. To fucking believe that fathers and sons could come out of their teen years – going into young adulthood – still being cordial with each other. To be wanting time together. Because he knew too, he wanted every last minute he could squeeze in with Magoo. Even when he was a fucking pain in his ass.

"Until you get a job and start earning your own dough, there ain't any 'your money', Magoo," Hank nodded at him. "There's your allowance. And it's a privilege that I give you. That's why it's sitting in the kitchen. Why I determine how much you get each week. And it's why I get some say in how you budget it and how you spend it. And, I'm telling you, you aren't spending that kind of money on a bike. You even look at how much it costs?"

E cast him a look and hobbled over to the bike. Tried to reach up to where it was on the second tier rack – but couldn't reach even the top of the wheel, let alone the handlebar where the price tag was dangling. Hank reached and turned the ticket to him.

"Four-fifty," he graveled at his kid.

Ethan's face fell a bit. "So … I'll pick a cheaper one," he tried. "What about the blue one?"

Hank reached and turned that tag for his boy. "Two-fifty," he told him.

E let out a little sigh but gazed over at him. "Well, I've got enough in the savings jar for that, don't I?"

Hank scrubbed at his face and looked at his kid. "Ethan, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to be dropping a wad of cash on a bike when you haven't hit your growth spurt yet and this time next year we might be looking to buy you a new bike."

Ethan flared his nostrils a bit. "I'm likely not going to hit my growth spurt until I'm sixteen and they start giving me the injections," he protested.

Hank shook his head. "We don't know that."

"Then why doesn't it make sense to get a bike I'll grow into?" he demanded and gestured back at the ride he was so taken with – even though his fucking toes couldn't reach the ground.

"Because it's too big for you, Magoo," Hank put to him. "You need something you can actually ride."

That got a huff and he grabbed at a tag on the red one sitting at ground level. "This one's only a buck-seventy," he provided.

Hank gave his face a small scrub and looked at his boy. "I don't want you getting a dual-suspension. It's going to be too hard for you to control."

E gave him a glare at that. "I've been doing PT and I ride the old bike already. I know how!"

"Ethan," Hank put to him more sternly. "Bike they've got you on at RIC – it's stationary and recumbent. Bike J picked up for you – no suspension on it and you're still all over the place with it."

"Because it's a BMX," he argued. "I'll do better on a mountain bike."

"Not a dual-suspension one," Hank smacked at him. "And whatever we pick here, we're going to have to take it into RIC and get some help with the resistance band, and the elastic release and the pedal guide. Just like we talked to your physical therapist about. Just like Olive has talked to you about."

Ethan's shoulders slumped. "I don't want all that stuff, Dad." That was a whine.

"You want to get to the point that I let you ride your bike to school or take off anywhere rather than the diamond at Addams?" he nodded at him.

"Well … yeah …," E stuttered.

"Then we're getting the modifications done to the bike. And we aren't paying all that for a bike that doesn't make much sense under the guidelines RIC gave us. And I'm not investing in all that hardware on a bike that has already cost nearly a year's worth of your savings, E. Because bike's get taken and stolen all the time. Especially if you're locking it up at school or just dropping it in the field at the park while you play ball or you aren't locking it up in the shed at night. Know how many times this spring you've just left your ride in the backyard? I can't count them."

"I'll take care of it, Dad," E whined. "I promise."

He grunted but nodded. "Same as most things, E. You're going to have to prove that to me. And while you're doing that, we aren't dropping more than a buck-fifty on a ride. And we're picking a model recommended by the people who know something about this stuff over at RIC. So you don't want a recumbent or a tryke. I hear you on that. I don't think you're at the point you quite need that yet. But maybe after a year or two, you or I or RIC will feel different about that. So for now, the option is a solid frame. You want it to be a mountain bike – fine. But you stop picking out the dual-suspensions, or we're heading home."

E sighed and gazed longingly at the bike that he'd gotten to sit on. "But if I get a mountain bike, we can take it camping and fishing, Dad. We can go on trails."

"Mmm …," Hank grunted. Thought that sounded a little fucking absurd on a bunch of levels. But wasn't going to get into that. Thought they should work on getting him stable on flat land first before they started looking at any kind of downhill madness. Even doing hikes with Magoo were a bit of a chore. Not that that stopped his kid from wanting to do them – to get to the best places to cast the line. But they sure as fuck weren't setting any records when they made those hikes. Went at their own pace. That was the definition of life with Magoo. "And you can get a mountain bike. Solid frame."

E's eyes met his. "But, Dad, a mountain bike is kind of lame enough. Like everyone has a BMX—"

"You've got a BMX and you want something different," Hank interrupted.

"It's too hard," E whined again. "Because it's too small."

Didn't think that it was the bike's frame size that was the challenge. Was pretty fucking sure it was balance, fatigue, foot droop and E's lack of peripheral vision. But tried not to remind the kid about his disabilities when encouraging him to be physically active. So wasn't going to argue the point. He'd let him figure that one out himself when he got another fucking bike and the problems didn't just ago away.

So he grunted. That was all.

"And if they don't have a BMX they have fat bikes," E argued harder.

Hank shook his head. "We talked about that. They're too heavy. You'll get tired out."

"But their tires are bigger. I'll balance better," E tried.

Just shook his head again.

"Then, fine, everyone that gets mountain bikes has dual-suspension, Dad. It's the coolest."

"Told you this more times than I can count too, Ethan," he put flatly. "You aren't everyone."

And his kid really wasn't. Never would be. Not to him. And not to the rest of the world. And sometimes that was a real hard pill to swallow. Harder than anything else they shoved down E's throat. And one his boy seemed to gag on a whole lot more than anything the docs gave him. But Hank supposed he did too.

But sometimes different – and his boy was different – just had to mean special. And his son was definitely that too.


	32. The Force

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

Erin allowed a smile to spread across her face as she entered the kitchen. A kitchen were Hank was standing at the counter working at his precision chopping of his so-called holy trinity – bell peppers, celery and onion. Apparently just about any dish could be made – or salvaged – if you just sautéed those in a skillet with some fresh garlic and olive oil. But it wasn't that that made her smile. It was that Henry was in their keeping him company.

Hank – who was all about organization in everything, but especially in his kitchen – had pulled out some pots and Tupperware and wooden spoons. Or maybe it was Henry who had and Hank just hadn't bothered to try to stop him. Because Henry was a Voight male. He was stubborn minded. And he only listened so well. So once he had his mind set on something there was really no stopping him. And if what he wanted to do wasn't harming him or anyone else – sometimes, it just wasn't worth the battle to get him to do something else. Unless you really felt like dealing with a Toddler Tantrum. And Henry had those down to a fine art too. Just like he had Popa wrapped around his little finger down to more than a fine art. It was his specialty. And Erin knew that Hank absolutely knew that. And despite all his tough guy demeanor, he wasn't so tough. Not when it came to his kids. And especially not when it came to his grandkid – apparently.

So Henry was being allowed to turn the kitchen into his own personal music studio. The pots and pans and Tupperware into a drum set. A wooden spoon and a plastic ladle into his drumsticks. And it was going pound, pound, pound nearly in time with Hank's chop, chop, chop. Though, she got the impression that Henry maybe thought Hank should be picking up the pace a bit. They clearly were both composing very different songs. Not a team effort going on at all.

Hank gave her a glance over his shoulder as she entered the room. He gave her a grunt. She just allowed a quiet 'hi'. But it was enough for Henry to look up from his efforts.

"Tant Tarin, Tant Tarin," she got as he pulled himself up from the ground and brought her the pot and wooden spoon.

"Hey, Henry," she smiled at him. "Are you helping Popa make dinner?"

"He's working at giving Popa a headache," Hank rasped – not even looking at either of them. He was back to his chopping. Work mode. Hank spent a lot of his life in work mode. If it wasn't related to the job, it was dad work mode. He took that work mode just as seriously.

"Then maybe Popa shouldn't have given you all these musical instruments," Erin put to the back of his head, as she stooped a bit – thinking that he was planning on giving her her own musical instruments. But it was pretty clear he wasn't. He had a death grip on that spoon and wasn't letting go.

"Didn't give them to him," Hank graveled again. "Pulled him out all on his own."

Erin glanced up at the open lower cupboards next to the stove. The storage place for all the extra pots and pans. She gave Henry a little smile as he held up the spoon at her and then beat it against the pot – as though he was driving home that he'd really went and got the drumset all on his own.

"Wow, you're good," she told him. He just gave her a toothy grinned and whacked at it even harder.

Hank grunted out some disagreement at that. And Erin shook her head at his turned one. He could be so fucking grumpy. And she'd say at least sixty-percent of the time it was all just a big act. He wasn't that scary and he wasn't as annoyed and angry as he wanted people to think he was either.

"And he managed to get the spoons out all on his own too?" she mildly teased.

Because she knew as much as Henry had taken to getting into everything – he couldn't reach the container that Hank always had his favorite cooking utensils arranged in by the stove like some sort of vase of flowers. But it was always pushed right back – out of the way of any of them using the counter and definitely out of the reach of a 22-month old who couldn't each grip his fingers around the countertop yet.

Hank only gave her another grunt, though. As she rose to get her face – and ears - a bit farther way from the musically efforts of Henry, which were definitely a little headache inducing if Hank had been listening to it for a while.

She wandered over to the open cupboard and shut it. Because she knew Hank and knew that the pots Henry had used as his drums would end up in the sink to be washed not just put away when the kid was done with them. But she creased her brow at the knob on the door.

"Has he figured out how to take the hairbands off?" she asked.

Hank grunted. "Your brother and the mutt have," he graveled. "Want them back, you'll have to do some stoop and scoop."

She gaped at the back of his head and then rolled her eyes, gazing at the ceiling above. Could hear that Ethan was already up there making some of his own music too. Working at giving his dad a bigger headache. And likely a grouchier mood.

"Henry," she nodded at the little boy, "you and Uncle Magoo have it all figured out. Bear too. We needed you around for tips when me and your daddy were growing up."

Hank grunted again and gave her a glance. "Pretty sure the two of you got away with more than enough too."

She shook her head at Henry. "Don't listen to Popa. Do you know what kind of trouble me and your daddy would've gotten in if we pulled apart Grandma's kitchen like this?"

Henry just smiled widely at her and beat on the pot some more.

She nodded at him and nodded at Hank. "He knows," she said. "Wrapped around his baby finger."

Hank just grunted again and examined the toddler. "He's cruisin' today," he muttered. But Henry gave him that toothy grin too and went toddling full steam back over to Popa and burying his forehead against the back of Hank's leg – barely above his knee and beat at the pot more. Pretending to be shy – or scared - when Henry was just about anything but.

She wandered over to the counter too and gazed at the chopping he had on the go. She tried to decide what it was that he was cooking. But he used that base in so many of his tossed-together weeknight dishes it could be hard to tell. It'd likely just be a stirfry or a pasta sauce. Or just something to ladle over top some chicken breasts to make it a little bit more colorful and nutritious in enticing Ethan to eat.

He saw her looking, though. "Jambalaya," he said flatly and pointed to the fridge.

It was one of those quiet orders that you likely only really knew if you knew Hank. Or maybe it you'd grown up with Hank as your parent. One that said she'd just been given a chore. But she didn't really mind.

She went to the fridge and opened the door. He had a pack of chicken breasts and a pack of andouille sausage in there. Enough food that again – as usual – told her that he wasn't just cooking for him and Ethan. That he was planning on packing up leftovers and freezer meals. For at least Olive to take home that night after her exam when she came to retrieve Henry. And likely for her and Jay, if they stuck around. If not, or any of it got refused, he'd shove it into his own freezer for some quicker meals on the late nights or rushed nights or nights when none of them were going to be home by dinner and he still wanted Ethan to eat a full meal with his evening meds. So he'd be ordered to pull some leftovers out of the freezer and "nuke it" to hold him over until someone got to the house.

"Tarin," Henry babbled at her again. Now he was following after her. She bumped right into him as she turned around from closing the door. He went sprawling – landing on his rubber butt that he never got too upset about landing on. He had himself pulled back up before she even had a chance to apologize.

"Sorry, Henry," she said, stepping around him and going to the opposite counter to retrieve a cutting board and knife of her own. Taking it to stand closer to Hank, while she unwrapped the meats. Henry just kept following after her.

"Gemma," he told her firmly, grabbing at her jeans.

She looked back at him. "Jambalaya," she agreed with a smile. "Are you excited for dinner with Popa?"

"Gemma din-din," Henry provided. "Gemma."

"I know," Erin smiled. "And I know you like your sausage almost as much as Uncle Magoo."

"Aw-isge!" Henry agreed and stuck up his hand at her, grunting in a way – and a demand – that clearly indicated he'd been getting way too much Popa time lately with Olive's end of term crunch time.

She'd been noticeably stressed out with all the final papers and assignments that were due and trying to study for her exams – and work part-time and be a single mom. And trying to decide if she could take some summer classes to catch up a bit after missing the fall term or if she should just take a bit of a "break". Whatever kind of break working likely near full-time for the few months and being a single mom was. But at least it'd give her a bit extra income padding. Maybe. Or maybe not. Daycare would likely eat up a bunch of it. She'd likely break even better if she stayed part-time. But in all the current frenzy of her wrapping up the term, Henry had been bouncing around between Hank's and her and Jay's and the crazy aunt's a lot. Likely ending up with Hank the most. And that was clear because that grunt was clearly another Voight male attribute. That was being drawn out of her little nephew.

"It's not cooked yet, Henry," she said. "You have to wait."

"Aw-isge!" he demanded and grunted at her again.

"I've got no sausage it to give you," she told him again.

"Gemma. Aw-isge!" he demanded.

"At dinner you'll get Jambalaya with sausage," she agreed.

"No din! Now! Aw-isge now!" Henry whined and shrieked at her.

Hank let out his own sound of mild annoyance. Not something he did often with Henry. So she suspected he hadn't really been enjoying his Popa babysitting duties that night. Though, with Henry his Terrible Twos had definitely come early and he was working at testing all of them. He was both reaching the point of being a lot of fun and terribly frustrating. She suspected that he'd been on the terribly frustrating side of the spectrum that evening based on the sound that had come out of Hank.

He looked over his shoulder. "Magoo," he called. He clearly was ready to pass the headache on to someone else at least until he had dinner on the table.

"He went upstairs," Erin provided and pointed. Henry really must've been leaving Popa's ears throbbing if he hadn't heard Ethan make that trek. He was never that quiet about it and you could only be so quiet at all going up and down the stairs in the Voight house. And for Hank to not have heard Ethan's "I'm sulking and angst-y and angry for no reason I'm going to tell you" music come on.

But she suspected Hank's mind might be in about a million different places. A lot was going on at work lately. She could tell some of the cases – and how shit was rolling downward and right into him – was bothering him. He'd been short with them at work too. And distracted. He'd been doing his own sulking, angst-y, angry for no reason and not telling you thing in his office with the door closed.

And she knew he was worrying about some of the grades Eth had been bringing home from school since the Spring Break – which hadn't been glowing. That he was in some arguments with Iggy's because of it. He hadn't outright said it – but she got the sense that he might've been pulled into the talk about whether it'd be smart to have Ethan repeat Grade Eight rather than send him floundering into high school.

And it was a hard choice. Erin didn't know how she felt about it no matter how many times she went over the pros and cons of that move. She thought she was against the idea but sometimes she felt like maybe it'd be best but it might just be delaying the inevitable while making the whole situation worse and harder for Ethan.

And then there was all this Olive stuff. And trying to help with Henry. Trying to figure out the daycare and money situation for her. Trying to deal with lawyers and litigators and banks and insurance companies and bureaucrats and military officials to figure out when and how and where Olive and Henry were going to see some compensation and support for what happened to Justin.

Trying to deal with the fact that Erin didn't quite want to push things but being house owners – or mortgage owners – came with a lot more expenses than her and Jay had imagined. That they were coping and dealing but that they'd definitely have a bit more leeway and padding if Olive was able to pay an amount more representative of what Erin's monthly payments and condo fees at the old place were. Or if she could get it listed.

That it'd mean that her and Jay would be living a little less hand-to-mouth and stop gazing at their credit card bills and the accruing interest with some horror each month and wondering how the hell so many municipal bills and utilities and taxes actually existed that they hadn't fully known (or maybe just hadn't wanted to acknowledge or maybe thought they were some kind of urban myth … or had just been in complete denial) about every time another one found its way into their mail box. But she didn't want to push Olive out or make the situation more stressful for anyone. Or leave Hank feeling like he had to be the one who needed to find the money to keep the family afloat. Because as the father – and father-in-law and grandfather – he would.

So Erin wasn't sure how much he was actually mindfully there as he did his meal prep. If he'd really heard her and Ethan come in. If he was really watching Henry that closely. Or if he was just going through the motions while he tried to come up with a plan in his head about what the coming weeks and months were going to look like.

Hank grunted, though, and put down his knife, wiped his hands on a tea towel and reached to pick up his grandson. Henry gave a small, unimpressed shriek at that. "Nooooooooo!" he screeched at Hank and waved the wooden spoon. Popa had to dodge it – Henry nearly hitting him in the face. Hank looked particularly unimpressed with that.

"You don't hit people with this thing," he rasped at the kid and yanked it out of his hand.

That just lead to a real wail but Hank didn't seem to hear that. The wooden got plopped on the counter. The kid got carried across the house as Erin started working on her own dicing and slicing of the meal's protein. Henry's magically hold on Popa had apparently just reached its threshold for the night.

But the wail subsided quickly and Erin knew that Hank had likely just plopped the kid in front of the steps. Stairs were a sure way to shut up Henry – and entertain him for hours. It was pretty much the ultimate indoor playground.

"E," Erin heard Hank bark up the stairs. It wasn't loud enough. "ETHAN!" got barked even louder to get heard over the music – and that would piss Hank off more.

The music got a bit quieter. "I turned it down," Erin heard her brother grumble back loudly.

Because he was in a bit of a mood that night too. Actually a lot more than a bit more than a bit.

Hank wasn't likely going to get much reprieve from tantrums and meltdowns and tempers and attitudes that night. He was likely just going to go from toddler ones to teenager ones. After Erin knew he'd been dealing with Ivory Tower and CPD ones most of the week. And she could tell his patience was wearing thin. She could actually smell it on him when she came in too. He'd clearly been working on a glass of whiskey while he worked on dinner. Trying to calm his temper and level out of demeanor and patience.

He'd been doing that more lately than she'd like. In a noticeable way. One she'd been taking note of – weighing on her own the if and when it was reaching a point of concern. And how to say anything to him about it that wouldn't either piss him off or that he'd just brush off. Because cops drank. And Hank had always drank. Some cases demanded it. Needed it. But that was work. And she was starting to feel like some of the times he was reaching for that supposed after-work drink anymore had less to do with work and more to do with what was going on in their personal and family life. And that made her uncomfortable. But Jay insisted she was just blowing it out of proportion – because they were both being more conscious of the amount they were drinking. That now it was her who was projecting on Hank. That Jay had never seen Hank have more than one. Sometimes she wondered if it was just that he never had more than one in front of them.

"H is coming up," Hank rasped. "Want you to watch him 'til dinner."

There was a long pause. "When's dinner?" Ethan demanded. There was tone in it. Bad move on Eth's part.

"About forty," Hank smacked.

"I'm taking quiet time 'til dinner," Ethan provided bluntly.

"Can take it with your nephew," Hank graveled. "Get out here. Need you to make sure he gets up the stairs OK."

"I don't like him in my room," Ethan called from up the house.

"Get out here," Hank ordered more firmly that time. Ethan was actually lucky that Hank had allowed yelling across the house and him not coming out to look him in the eyes while talking to him that long. Another series of behavior that her and Justin wouldn't have gotten away with. Not that they didn't do it and try too – just like Eth had. But just like Ethan had – it never was tolerated very long and ultimately failed.

And Erin could almost feel the groan and heavy sigh out of her brother upstairs. But heard movement and knew Ethan was listening. So at least he wasn't being that stubborn that night to test his dad too much. And that was likely smart based on what she was observing.

He must've at least poked his head down the stairs to look at Hank.

"Don't want him in your room, then come down here," Hank told him.

She did hear the groan that time and could tell from the movement that Ethan must've set himself on the top step to stare at Henry's efforts on the stairs.

"Need you to be sitting closer to him," Hank said. "And need you to keep the mutt back."

Bear must've been hovering at the top of the stairs too. He would be. Without a doubt. He was always where Ethan was when her brother was in the house. Though, he was pretty fascinated with Henry too. And endlessly patient with both of the boys and their little quirks.

"Fine," Ethan huffed. "Bring him up."

That must've been fine with Hank because there was another shriek of protest out of Henry. A "Pa! Noooooo!" wailed out again. Loudly. But Hank's heavy footsteps went up the stairs quickly. Ethan's clattered crutches followed along with the click of Bear's toenails, and Erin heard the door to Ethan's room closing and Hank's feet come back down the stairs.

The protests out of Henry at the disruption of his fun fading. Partially because near as soon as the door had closed, the music had gotten turned up again. And she could hear Hank's steps stop for a moment. She knew if he was considering going and telling Ethan to turn the damn thing down – or off. But apparently he decided to just leave it. Likely because it was pretty clear that H's wailing was subsiding. And he didn't want to deal with both of the boys wailing and whining at him.

She glanced at Hank as he came back into the kitchen. "He pushing it today?" Erin asked.

Hank grunted. "What he is, is being too much of his father today," he graveled and went back to chopping. Though he glanced at her efforts. "Diced, not strips," he commented of the chicken. She shook her head at that but resisted the urge to roll her eyes or give out an annoyed sigh. Because then she'd also be getting the label of another one of his annoying kids. She didn't really want that that night. "You and Magoo in a snit?" he asked flatly going back to his own work.

"No. What he is, is being too much like his father today," she put flatly.

That got a smack. And she turned to find his unimpressed eyes. "No Halstead?" was all he put to her, though.

She shook her head and focused on the chopping. "He's coming," she allowed. "He needed to find a place to mark and had to call his brother. It looks like Holly's up to something next door? Bunch of bikes out front. A couple cars." Hank just grunted at that. She eyed him. "Her mom home?"

"No," he graveled.

"You see who's been coming and going?" she asked.

"Mmm …," he allowed, pressing his tongue into his cheek. "Kids."

"Must be high school kids, if with the cars taking up the curb space," Erin said.

Hank made another sound of acknowledgement. But he just picked up his cutting board and trucked it over to the stove top, drizzling his oil in the skillet and crumbling in the crushed up garlic as he waited for the pan to heat up to his desired temperature – which he always seemed to be able to gauge just by looking at it. He'd tried to explain to her in the past about how the oil went and what to look for in the way it moved or the bubbles and the color of the garlic. But she apparently wasn't a good culinary student. She always just threw her stuff into a cold pan. She figured it'd all heat up eventually. But her cooking never looked as good – or tasted as good – as Hank's.

"They still in uniform or they changed out?" she asked.

"Looked like Notre Dame," Hank grumbled.

She nodded. "Christ the King for the older kids? The boys?" she asked. He shrugged. But she didn't believe that. He'd know. She looked back at her work. "Sounds like they must really be practicing some of those Catholic values next door …"

He just smacked and gave her another look. "Music was pretty loud when me and Eth were coming in," she tried instead.

Hank just made a noise. Erin knew too he'd had his share of showdowns with Bernice Prokops about Holly's behavior. Both as a neighbor and as a neighborhood kid toward Ethan. And some of Hank's concerns about what was going on in the house next door and the kind of bullshit that was bringing onto the block and exposing other kids to. And the kind of trouble Holly was likely setting herself – and her family – up for. But he'd pretty much been told to just mind his own business. Bernice wasn't interested in hearing any concern or criticism about how she was raising her little princess who was turning into quite the little Mean Girl. And the kind of little Mean Girl who was going to have quite the reputation in high school. Which was likely just going to lead to more bullshit for the family and the block and their neighbors to have to deal with.

"Called Prokops," Hank rasped. "Got told the kid's having a parental approved Star Wars party."

"Mmm …," Erin allowed. She was pretty up on the Star Wars slang but didn't think any of the lingo meant what they both knew was really going on next door. Unless maybe Bernice hadn't told Hank – or understood – any references Holly had given her to lightsabres. Or swamp water. Or Yoda and Chewbecca. Or Han and Leia.

"That sounds like a definite disturbance of the peace," was all Erin provided flatly, though.

Hank made a noise. "Trudy's sending Patrol around. Haven't come by yet."

Erin nodded. "So guess you'll have Bernice on the porch later then?"

He shrugged. About the time Holly started working at being a bully to Ethan and recruiting some of the other little turds on the street to treat them the same, Hank pretty much stopped caring about even trying to be congenial to Bernice. She'd be lucky if he opened the door for her to listen to her delusional rampage about her daughter "just having a Star Wars viewing party" and how Hank was out to get her child. Holly was lucky that she had someone looking out for her because her mother had pretty much shoved her head up her ass since Edward had walked out on them. Erin didn't know the full story there but she suspected he might've gotten sick of the bullshit out of the woman. Though, it was too bad that he hadn't taken – or fought for and got custody of – Holly. But father's didn't seem to win that in most cases and Holly likely knew she'd get away with more with her mom for now.

"How'd his Star Wars thing go?" he asked instead. Graveled. She knew he only cared so much. His question was accompanied by the sizzle of his vegetables landing in the heated skillet and he'd placed his real attention on moving those around the pan and through the oil – getting them coated and cooked evenly – with the wooden spoon that Henry had tried to whack him in the face with.

"We didn't go," Erin shrugged. She felt Hank's eyes land on her and she turned to look at him. "Drove over, found parking, paid for parking, then he decided he wasn't going to get out of the car."

Hank smacked at that. "Tremor?" he asked.

She sighed and shrugged more at that. Ethan was tremoring that day. But the reality was that Eth was always tremoring. She thought it'd gotten a bit worse since they'd been in Florida. At the time she thought it was the heat and humidity, because his tremor was worse and more visible in the summer at home too. But it hadn't really calmed at all since they'd been home. If anything, she thought it'd been more visible. Some days it was really bad. Him holding a pencil or writing anything that was eligible was proving a near impossible task. And even the weighted cluttery Hank had added to the kitchen drawers to try to help him at the dinner table was only helping so much. But even with the tremor that usually didn't deter Ethan from a trip to the Lego Store – especially on a free build day. Especially, especially on May the Fourth and a free Star Wars build. But apparently something had turned him off wanting to get out of the car at the last minute. And if that was the tremor, it must've been really bothering him.

"I don't know," she allowed. "We sat there for a bit. Tried to get him to tell us what was wrong. He just insisted he didn't feel well and wanted to come home."

"Could've told you that when you picked him up at school," Hank said.

"Yea …," she acknowledged. "Would've been nice." She sighed and picked up her cutting board. She went over and slid it onto the counter next to the stove. And then she leaned there. "So, if he goes to school tomorrow—"

"Why wouldn't he go to school tomorrow?" he rasped.

"Because he seems to think he's not feeling well and was already making noise about needing to take a sick day," she put to him.

Hank just smacked at that. "Looked fine to me," he allowed. Though, Erin also knew Hank and knew that when he went upstairs to check that Henry and Ethan weren't killing each other, he'd now be giving Eth a full once-over to gauge how he was actually doing that night. And Erin wasn't sure how well he was. She just wasn't sure how much of that was going to show up physically – anymore than it usually did.

"OK," was all she said, though. "In that case, me and Jay were still planning on taking him tomorrow night. If you want?"

That just got another grunt. She let out her own quiet noise of frustration at that. But she decided not to get into it.

"I know you usually like to have him on Saturdays," she said. But that only got another dismissive noise out of Hank – which she didn't buy. Because it'd been very clear that Saturdays – especially the morning hours – were Hank's. "But it's Free Comic Day. And the Lego build thing is going on all weekend. Star Wars and Guardians of the Galaxy. So Jay had wanted to try again with the Lego and see about standing in line to get him some of the comic freebies."

Hank just made a sound.

"Depending on how he's doing," she provided. "We … or Jay … is likely going to take him to Guardians of the Galaxy on Friday or Saturday night too. So we can basically take him for the weekend, if you want?"

He glanced at her. "Don't need you to do that," he put flatly.

She shrugged. "We don't mind," she said. Which they did and they didn't. But she thought Hank could use a couple down days. Not that he knew what to do with a down day. A day without Ethan would just turn into him spending it doing something work-related or taking on Henry for the day to give Olive a break.

He barely acknowledged she'd said it, though. So she supposed they'd just play it be ear. With how Ethan had been acting this week she wasn't even sure how much she wanted to be around him. But, really, with what was planned, she could probably just pawn Ethan off on Jay for most of it and give herself a bit of time and space to herself too. It'd been that kind of week … or couple weeks. Or more.

Still, she rubbed her hand along the top of the counter and gazed at Hank. He was focused on his cooking. He looked like his mind had gone somewhere else too. She'd likely just added more worry to him with Ethan not wanting to do the May the Fourth build that he'd been on about for weeks – actually since they saw a flyer about it at the Lego Store in Disney Springs while in Orlando. And Eth saying he wasn't feeling well. His tremor being worse. Him being up in his room with the music blaring. Him not having even said hello when he came in. Hank would be processing all that and trying to decide what to do about it or how it fit into the current state of their dysfunctional family. And she knew she was likely about to add more to the fryer now.

"Did you see that email from Ignatius earlier this week?" she asked. "That one about 13 Reasons Why?"

He made a small sound of acknowledgement.

"Are you going to sign off on him going to that session with the Lighthouse?" she asked.

He made another sound and put the spoon down to look at her. He gave her a little pucker. "Wasn't planning on it."

She allowed a little nod but kept his eyes. "You don't think maybe it'd be a good idea?"

He shook his head and picked up the cutting board with the meat, scrapping it into the skillet too. "Erin, he's on meds for his depression and anxiety. Sees his own shrink. Goes to the therapist with us. And don't need to give him – or any of the kids he's around – extra reason to be talking about that show."

She nodded. "Has he said anything about the show to you?" she asked.

He shrugged. "Asked to watch it," he allowed. "Because all of the fucking middle school is watching it. Talking about it."

She nodded again. "And you aren't letting him?"

He smacked and gave her a look. "Rated Mature," he said. "It's blocked."

"You know what it's about?" she pressed.

"Don't live under a rock," he rasped at her and went back to working at stirring the meat in. "Can you open the tomatoes," he grumbled at her. "Stock's in the fridge."

She made her own sound – somewhere between a sigh and annoyance. But opened the fridge door to retrieve the chicken stock and set it along with a measuring cup next to him and then went to find a can of crushed tomatoes in the pantry cupboard and the can opener in the drawer. She worked on getting it open.

"Jay and I have been watching it," she said and she felt him still a bit. "To see what it's about. What it's like. … It's awful. He shouldn't be watching it."

"He's not," Hank rasped at her sternly, as she went and put the open can next to him too. He gave her a glance. His eyes were a bit softer, though. But she could see the flicker in them. The concern.

She slumped back against the counter to watch him work. But he was looking at her more than working now. She let out a little sigh.

"It's triggering," she acknowledged and looked at the floor, wrapping her arms around herself.

She wanted to tell him that it was triggering for Jay too. But she didn't. Because that would reveal more than Jay would want Hank to know about him. More than he'd even wanted her to know about him. But how some fucking TV show had sent both of them spinning a bit and ended up leading to some upsetting and revealing conversations about both of their high school years. Things they already knew or suspected but hadn't really spoken. But just ultimate confirmation that they'd gone through their own kinds of hell. That it'd left scars. That they'd both been hurt and traumatized and upset and bullied – and worse – in certain ways. That high school was hell. And it could be a long one. Four years didn't go by quickly. Not when you were that age. Not when you were in the midst of that experience.

She wanted to tell Hank that certain things in the show were really upsetting them both. In their own ways. As individuals. With pasts. And traumas. But it wasn't just that. That wasn't even the most upsetting part. The most upsetting part was that now as adults they had this sweet, bright, loving teenaged boy in their lives who was about to enter the hell that was high school. And that just didn't seem fair. It was making her worry and concern for Ethan and his high school years ache that much more. To grow.

"And … I don't agree with some of how they are presenting it. Suicide," she managed to press out. Because she didn't know where to start. "This glorification of it. How to make a point or get revenge. A way to hurt people. That's … just …"

"It's bullshit," Hank put bluntly.

"Yea …" Erin allowed. "But, the bullying they're showing. Some of the teenaged bullshit and drama they have going on. Some of it … we deal with on the job. We see. But it's just driving home … even more … how fucking cruel these kids are to each other. And now with phones and phone cameras and the internet and social media."

"Keep him away from those things," Hank said. "Best I can."

"I know," Erin acknowledged. "But … how much can you … we … really keep him away from any of that? How much can we even keep him away from this show? All the kids are talking about it. The school is sending out notes to parents about it. The media is talking about it. How do you know he's not seeing parts of it on other kids devices or at Eva's or Evan's?"

He stopped what he was doing – completely – and turned to look at her. He placed his hip against the counter just next to the stove. And he reached to give her elbow a squeeze.

"There's really graphic sexual assault in it, Hank. Rape. Drug use. Alcohol use. Casual sex. And these kids are supposed to be sophomores. A year, two years older than Ethan. The girl's suicide – it's right on screen. Step by step. It's like a fucking how-to guide," she said.

"He's not watching it," he assured her firmly.

She shook her head. "But that likely doesn't matter," she pressed at him. "Because the shit they're showing as some fictionalized mystery in this show – it's not fiction. This shit happens all the time. And you know it happens at Iggy's. You know some of the shit that me, that Justin went through there. And we weren't as much of marks as Ethan is. He's in middle school, Hank, and they are already giving him such a hard time. What kind of hell are they going to put him through for the next four years? When he's already … fucked in the head …"

He moved his hand and found where she had hers clutching at her ribs. He held it tightly. "Erin, we worked through all of that with you—"

"Ethan's not me, Hank," she pressed at him. She could feel her eyes watering. "He's not—"

"He's tough," he assured her. "Hurts like the rest of us. But he's tough. And we know the signs to look for."

"Do we?" she asked. "Because something's going on with him lately and he's not telling me shit. I don't think he's telling you shit. And me … Justin … this sort of thing. We went to Camille. Who's he going to go to?"

He rubbed his thumb along her knuckles. "Erin, he talks to me. He does. Sometimes it's just him screaming at me. But if that's how he needs to do it – then fine. I check in with him all the time. Every day. I promise you that. And might not feel like it right now since you're worrying – but he does talk to you. Lots. Maybe some of it in his teens and high school you'll need to listen a bit harder, read between the lines. But you're good at that. You'll do it. And know he'll go to Jay some too. Already does. So we'll know if something is wrong."

"Something is wrong," she said and gestured at the ceiling. "He's been like this … off … all week. And he's not telling us anything."

"Erin," he said evenly, "it really might just be as simple as he's tremoring bad and that gets him agitated and upset about a whole lot of things. But I will talk to him. It will get sorted."

But there was a knock on the backdoor and then it opened. "Bunch of cars in the back alley too," Jay said as he stepped inside.

Hank gave her hand a final squeeze and stepped back to the stove. Erin gave him a weak smile at his effort reached to try to swipe away the tears that had been threatening to come out.

"Did you decide to call over to District about it?" Jay asked before he stepped into the kitchen. He stopped as he stopped her and saw her face. He frowned, concern creasing across his brow now.

"I'm OK," she assured. "Hank already called Trudy."

He gave a little nod and shifted his attention over to Hank at the stove. He was likely trying to measure if Hank had done something to upset her and what that might be.

Erin was sure Hank felt Jay's eyes on him, but he played oblivious. Looked at her. "You two staying for supper?" he asked.

Erin raised her eyebrow at Jay who was gazing at her. "What'd Will say?" she asked.

"He flaked," Jay put flatly. Because that was pretty much Will's M.O. Not entirely unexpected. But Jay always went into anything with his brother hoping for a little bit more. It reminded her of Eth and Justin in a lot of ways. And it always hurt a bit seeing Jay upset or disappointed. But he kept going back and trying to mend his relationship with Will. Even though even in adulthood it seemed a lot like one step forward and two steps back half the time.

So she nodded and made a gesture with her head at Hank. Jay gave her another examination. Clearly measuring her some more.

"I'm fine," she pressed at him again. Because she was. Because they'd said this was fine. Because she wasn't going to flake on him too.

Jay shoved his hands into the pockets of the jacket he hadn't taken off. "Sarge, I've got a couple tickets to Game 5 tonight."

Hank grunted and glanced at the clock on the stove. "Not going to be ready before you head out," he put flatly.

Erin made a face at Jay and raised her eyebrow. But he just stood there. Looking awkward. Because he'd argued that it'd be awkward enough doing anything with Hank out in public. But that he thought it would be super awkward when he knew that going to Blackhawk games was something that Hank did with Justin. And that his last game would've been the one that they took him to as a Christmas/birthday present. But Erin wasn't sure Hank would look at it through quite those lens. She actually thought he might appreciate the offer – a lot – if Jay could manage to put one out there. But Jay wasn't so great at niceties that needed to come along with anything verbal to drive them home.

"He's inviting you, Hank," Erin put to him flatly instead.

Hank glanced up at that and eyed her. "Wasn't much of an invitation," he said.

"Because you'd give a better one?" she put to him and gestured with her eyes for him to look at Jay.

He smacked. Because he knew that was true. The last invitation that Hank had given Jay was to take him out for lunch. It wasn't an invitation. It was an order. Jay just got told that he was going to ride with Hank. Where hadn't been said. And it'd been even more awkward when Hank had taken him to some restaurant that his dad had taken him to and that he'd taken all of them to as kids. And then Jay wasn't sure if it was lunch, an interrogation, a stop before they were actually going to do something job related, or a stop before the Silos. Whatever it actually turned out to be, Erin hadn't gotten much more than being told it was awkward and they'd eaten. If there'd been an actual conversation – which when it was the two of them, was questionable – she hadn't been told any of the details. Though, she'd like to know them. Especially considering the convenient timing of this little outing that Hank had decided to take Jay on.

Not long after she'd had about the first real talk with him since Justin had died. Where it'd almost felt normal. Her she could almost pretend he was just her dad again and like none of what had happened had happened. Where she'd been able to talk honestly with him about long-term relationships and marriage and communication and how the fuck any of that worked with the jobs they did and the type of man Jay was (which wasn't that unlike Hank) and the type of person she was. And how she was at a frustration point and a scared point. And he'd actually talked to her. Like a dad. About those things. And life. And marriage. And relationships. And the job. And family. And Camille. About the good, the bad, and the ugly. Of all of it. And then he had to go and do that to Jay. She didn't think Hank had told him anything she'd said that night. But she also hadn't been told by Jay what him and Hank had talked about on that long-lunch they'd taken. That Jay insisted wasn't that long because they'd gone and talked to one of Hank's contacts after while Jay stood guard.

But she didn't think Jay had had much alone time around Hank since that talk. Though, they had the Florida trip since then. And work had been insane since they got back. And add in Ethan and Henry and all the adults in the family were just tapped. She didn't think they were purposely avoiding each other. They seemed fine at work. As fine as the two of them ever were. And he hadn't put up any qualms about her suggestion he take Hank if Will flaked out on him – again.

So likely Jay just sucked at forming sentences that weren't interrogation questions. That was something she generally knew was true. And she thought Hank did too, because he gave an examination of Jay and then shifted his eyes to her.

"You don't want to go?" he smacked.

Erin shrugged. "I think I can live without seeing the Hawks get knocked out of the playoffs."

"They might rally," Jay said. She just raised her eyebrow at him. Now that he actually decided to form words and sentences. "It's May the Fourth."

She cocked her head at him. "So they are with the force?"

"No, the force is with them," Jay corrected. "If they're with the force – they're dead."

"I know …," she muttered. Hence this game with St. Louis' 3-1 lead in the series was going to be pretty much a knock-out game not worth watching. And not even worth watching at home – with either of them – because it just meant she'd have to sit and listen to them yelling and swearing at the television all night.

Hank gave her a look – after giving Jay one. Because Star Wars and Force talk was not Hank's thing. It really wouldn't be given the "Star Wars party" going on next door too. But he moved his eyes back to Jay. "What about Magoo?" he said, jutting his chin upstairs.

"Hank," Erin sighed at him. "He says he's not feeling well. At the very least, he's in a mood. And he only likes hockey so much."

Hank shrugged. "Should see a playoff game while he's a kid. Right of passage."

"I think the Cubs this fall was enough of a right of passage to last at least another hundred and eight years," she said and stood straighter, away from the counter. "I'll finish this," she told him of the food on the burner. "Go. You'll miss the start if you don't leave now."

Hank smacked. "H's here," he said.

"I noticed," she allowed. "And I'm pretty sure after the shit we've dealt with this week at work, I can handle two boys for a night."

"You sure?" Hank asked. Erin wasn't sure if he was asking her or Jay.

"Yea," Jay said, though.

He looked to her. She shrugged. "May the Fourth be with you."

Hank just shook his head at her. She got an unimpressed smack, but he moved passed Jay and out into the breezeway to grab his boots and jacket.

"Have fun …," she offered to Jay.

He allowed a little nod. But she thought he still looked a little nervous. Compared to spending a weekend with Hank in a tent, though, this should be a cake walk.

"Row Twenty-seven. Cold beer. Grown men on skates," she put back to him from his original effort to convince her that she wanted to participate in this activity. "What's not to love?"

Jay jutted his finger into the breezeway and mouthed "him."

She pointed her finger to the ceiling. "Better than him tonight," she mouthed back at him. "He's loveable …" she allowed more vocally but still at a whisper. Because she knew Hank could hear.

Jay sighed at her and moved to give her a peek on the cheek. "Thank you …" he said. Because her original declination of attendance had been to have a night at home – to herself. She just needed some time right now. To think and process a lot too. But instead she was going to be big sister and aunt – to two cranky little boys. Not exactly the night she'd been hoping for. But she supposed it'd be a distraction of its own.

"Have fun," she told him again, putting her hand against his chest.

He gave her a thin smile and moved away because it was pretty clear that Hank was already doing that thing where he hovered by the door waiting for you to hurry the fuck up because you weren't moving at the pace he wanted you to or on the schedule he felt was necessary. Just chomping at the bit. But he was right to do it. Because they were just barely going to make it to the puck drop at this rate. They were cutting it close.

"Yea …," Jay allowed as she slipped out the door and she heard the door close behind them, as they both clomped down the porch steps and the security light switched on as they moved across the backyard. Hank clearly hadn't adjusted the timer yet to deal with the longer days they were getting now. More daylight.

But they all needed a little bit more daylight anymore. Some light. Or the force. Whatever.

And hopefully the two of them would be able to enjoy it. Escape the bullshit that was swirling all around them and focus on less important, important Chicago things. Like the Blackhawks in the playoffs – or out of them. While she tried to figure out what the fuck were the important things that were dragging her baby brother down this time. And just how to deal with that – and all the other cinder blocks that she knew were likely going to be looking for his feet come September.

Maybe she needed the force to be with her that night too.


	33. Pregame Skate

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

Jay glanced next to him as Voight grunted at him and stepped in front of the cash.

"I've got it," the guy rasped at him, pulling a few bills out of his pocket.

"You don't have to do that," Jay told him. But he was too late. Voight only gave him that dismissive grunt and handed the woman tending the beer stall.

Not the kind of beer Jay usually drank but you could only expect so much at the United Center. Hence paying nearly ten bucks each to drink domestic piss. So he likely should be thrilled he didn't have to pay for it. But accepting any sort of money or niceties from Voight was still a little … weird. Or just plain fucking uncomfortable.

Likely knew it shouldn't be. Not at this point. But it was. He just wasn't used to that. So even Voight handing them leftovers when they went over for dinner still seemed strange. Not that he turned them down anymore. But it still sometimes felt like he was taking something he shouldn't be or wasn't entitled to. And it was only weirder knowing that he had several grand sitting in the bank waiting to give to them. Or to Erin. Something that Jay both thought they should just accept and was sort of glad Erin was still at the point she was fundamentally opposed to taking it. And then there was the whole Olive thing and condo thing and the fact they were going to have to say something to her and sort something out with her in the next few months. And no matter how her and Jay spun it in their repeated conversations about how to handle that shit, it was pretty much a given that until things got sorted with the whole life insurance crap, that any top up that got might be handed to them by Olive but would be coming from Voight and that was a whole other fucking level of uncomfortable. And even though they'd been told everything should be sorted up and cleared up with the insurance thing within hitting the one-year mark of when Olive filed the paperwork – so likely by about September, and they likely could slog along and manage the payments and the bills at both places until then – Erin was having some misgivings about basically taking Olive and Henry's money that they were getting because Justin got himself killed.

But they were going to have to do something. He got that she wanted – and needed - to get Olive and her nephew back into the city to pretty much keep the rest of her family from completely self-destructing. Even more than it already had. And he got that she wanted to give Olive time to get settled and on her feet. And he got that she didn't really want to take dead people's money that she felt belonged to someone else – which he really understood, because he'd been there with his mom and with his grandfather. But they also had to fucking acknowledge that with their jobs and their incomes they really couldn't afford to be keeping Olive afloat too much longer by giving her that steep of discount on the condo. They just really couldn't fucking afford to be two mortgage people. So he didn't know what they were fucking going to do. Likely just have to wrap their head around accepting that where Olive was getting her money from was either going to be from the dead brother Erin grew up with or from the guy who raised her and who they didn't really want to accept money from either – or to know where some of it was coming from on a widowed cop's salary with a disabled sick kid in private school.

"Sure you don't want something to eat?" Voight put to him – one last time, handing him one of the beers.

This weird fucking dad tone that he sometimes got. That was also a strange thing to wrap his head around too. Another thing he wasn't used to. But had definitely picked up on this whole checking in thing Voight did with him anymore. Sometimes at work. Sometimes if they got stuck in the same room together for any period of time. Usually only lasted a few questions. But still felt like an interrogation. Not a conversation. And sometimes Jay couldn't help but wonder what the hell the guy was thinking when he did it. Still felt like he had to keep a poker face when he gave his answers and the guy was just sitting there observing him and considering him and being some sort of chess master in planning his next move.

"I don't have much of an appetite," Jay muttered.

He got another one of those grunts of acknowledgement. But the guy still looked back to the girl at the cash. "Two of the tri-tip sandwiches," he rasped at her anyway. "And give me one of the Brown and Whites."

The girl just nodded and punched it into the cash. She went and got the giant, cellophane wrapped cookie and put it on a paper plate, handing it and a number to Voight, who nudged by him to go stand in weight for the food that Voight apparently thought they should be eating.

"Happy Birthday," he muttered at him as he handed the cookie off to him.

"Thanks …," Jay muttered back and followed after.

Voight was fucking weird about food. It was strange how much he was pretty obsessive about cooking for the family and had this list of very specific, approved restaurants they could – or should – eat at. How it was pretty much this force-feed effort to get Eth to ingest multiple meals a day at semi-regular intervals. But it was fucking rare that Jay actually saw Voight eat.

Four and a half years on Intelligence and he could probably count on one hand the number of times that he'd seen Voight put something in his mouth that actually constituted a meal. Or even a snack. Ingest vast amounts of coffee, whiskey, scotch and wine – yes. Have a sandwich? No.

And even since spending time with the guy in his home. Being invited out to meals with the family. Even fucking special functions. The guy always made himself a plate. But he was always more focused on serving everyone else and making sure everyone else was eating. Like some little Italian grandma or Austrian grandpa or whatever the fuck he was intimidating. Or actually really was. But he'd just pick at whatever he'd serve himself. It was rare Jay had observed him pack away a full plate and even rarer he'd seen him go back for seconds or thirds of anything. He could actually likely pinpoint the meals he did that – because they stood out.

It was a strange relationship with food. But he supposed everyone had sort of fucked up relationships with food. Erin sure did. And Ethan sure did. But growing up in that house likely contributed to that. But he supposed everyone's house they grew up in contributed to their fucked up relationship with food, health and nutrition. Because him and Will definitely were fucked in their own ways about food and what they put in their bodies.

But that night – Jay just really didn't have an appetite. At all. Though, a steak sandwich would likely wash down the crap beer they'd ordered. Cut out the aftertaste and settle the stomach.

"Was your birthday yesterday?" Voight put to him flatly. Wasn't even looking at him. Looked at their number. Looked at his watch. And then looked up at the monitors to gauge how long they had to get to their seats. They likely should've skipped the whole beer and food thing. Though, maybe sitting next to each other waiting to the game to start might've lead to either more forced conversation and awkward silences than even this.

"Yea …," Jay acknowledged.

Him and Erin hadn't said anything about it to her family. He didn't know why. They hadn't specifically had a conversation about it – about not saying anything. But they'd managed to get through last year without letting them know that their birthdays fell in such close proximity. They managed to get their weekend getaway. A few days to themselves – in Cleveland. The whole Indy boulder that had plowed into their lives in the way of that trip. Though, it supposed they were fucked up enough before that. But it felt like they were just starting to get over and work at moving beyond the whole miscarriage. In figuring out their relationship – and how to be a family and a couple – in the wake of that. A year. It'd taken them a year.

But birthdays were just … whatever. He didn't really have much interest in marking his birthday. It wasn't much of an event growing up. He didn't get the sense it was something the majority of his family really felt like celebrating when he was a kid. Or at least fifty percent of them. His mom had tried. She always did. But his birthday just made him think of that stuff. And really after thirty do you really want to just keep tallying the years as they fly past? He knew in a way he should. Be valuing the time he had. That he was one of the people who got to come home and meet a girl and get engaged and start a family. To have a life that was tallying up years beyond thirty. One that had tallied up years beyond twenty-one and twenty-five. And a lot of numbers in between and beyond that.

But birthdays just carried a whole weight with Erin and her baggage and her history and her family too. The Voights didn't need more birthdays to remember. Erin's birthday came with enough baggage. And now Henry's did. And in a way it seemed like Eth's did too. And Ethan just didn't need another date to put on his calendar in his little tradition keeping and day-tallying obsession he had anymore. In fact, Jay had outright pretended like he hadn't heard and had walked away when Ethan had asked him when his birthday was a while ago. He was sure that Eth had likely asked Erin or Voight too. But supposed he didn't get an answer – because the kid hadn't said anything to him that week. Not that Eth was talking a lot lately. He was doing a bit of the introvert thing.

And in the end, it didn't really matter that they hadn't said anything to Erin's family about it being his birthday. Because after that case, they really hadn't felt much like celebrating. At all. Even going out for a drink with Ruzek and Atwater hadn't felt right. And it'd felt less right – and got caught way short – when Erin had just wanted to go home. And with how she was feeling – and what had happened that case – he wasn't just going to let her go home alone. Not to get a couple free drinks out of a couple guys that he was only so close to. Because he wasn't really close to anyone. He didn't really want to be.

Just like he only wanted to be so close with Voight – even if he was technically his sort of father-in-law. Because he was still his boss. For now. And he was still – Voight. So it made him even more uncomfortable that the guy knew it had been his birthday. And he knew it wasn't Erin who'd told him. That Voight just likely would've seen it in his personnel file and internalized that information. Because that's how the guy worked. How he ticked.

"Tickets your gift?" he asked passively, but gave him a little glance. Could see some concern in the guy's brow again. He likely thought that Erin had got them for him and then bailed because of the case. Because of her kill shot.

"No," Jay allowed. "A guy at …" and he slowed.

Because he didn't know how to say it even though Voight knew he went to the things. Or at least he knew he went to therapy. Because he'd played a minor role in orchestrating that. Maybe backwardly pushing towards making that decision to get some therapy. To get some help. To try to deal with some of his issues. Even though it'd been presented as a quiet request for him to see if he could help Eth get into the rock climbing program with his vet ties.

But he supposed maybe it didn't really matter Voight knew he went to a support group now? Too. Sometimes. When he needed to. Because sometimes sitting in another room of guys … even though it was fucking harder, it was also fucking easier than sitting there talking to some shrink or counselor or whatever she fucking was and just feeling like she didn't get it even though she was a VA shrink.

At the same time, though. He didn't really want Voight to know that. Because he'd only just let Erin know before the trip that he'd made that switch … or added it to his repertoire. That sometimes those nights he took after shift … it wasn't to the gym or Will's to watch the game. It was to go sit in a circle in some church basement and to try to hold it together. To watch a bunch of grown men all try to hold it together when it looked like all of them where about to burst at the seems. Like all of them were laying atop of some grenade and refusing to fucking move because they knew it wasn't a dud and one false move and the whole fucking world – the world of all those closest to them – was going to blow up in their faces. And none of them felt like they were going to be able to survive that. Because how do you walk away form those kinds of injuries?

But feeling that way about things … that's not something you share when you're on the job. It's not something you share with your boss – even if he is your sort of father-in-law. Because even as a sort of father-in-law – what kind of father-in-law wants to know his daughter is marrying that kind of mess? That that kind of mess might be fathering his grandkids and raising them and fucking it all up for them to? Adding them to the list of people close by for when the fucking grenade exploded?

So he checked himself. "A guy I know gave them to me," he said. "They're from work. He couldn't go."

He left out that the guy was a guy from the support group. A guy who was doing a reasonable job at re-establishing his life stateside. Doing so well that he got these tickets as a fucking recognition of all the sales he'd made. In telemarketing. Because this guy could barely function in public. And he'd been too embarrassed to say he didn't want the tickets – because he wanted them – but he couldn't make himself go. Because there'd be crowds he couldn't handle. And loud, burly, drunk groups that might potentially get very angry if the Blackhawks got knockout of the playoffs. And he just didn't want to be around that. And there was something about the sound of the skates on ice that triggered him. And the buzzer when a puck made it into the net or at the end of each period. And he couldn't stand to hear that too. That he'd just be crawling out of his skin.

Just like he'd crawled out of his skin in accepting the tickets and trying to will himself to be strong enough to go and then disappointing himself when he couldn't. Or maybe in recognizing that – for his own mental health – he shouldn't. So he'd offered them to Jay. And Jay had agreed he'd go and tell him that non-triggering details about the game. He'd give him the radio commentary that the guy was likely listening to anyway. At least this way, he could pretend like he had eyes – that understood – on the ice too.

Voight gave him another cursory glance. A measurement. A judgment. That fucking microscope that Jay hated being under. Because it always felt like that with Voight. A lot more was said in what didn't get said. And it just made him feel like the guy pretty much always knew more than he said. And that he had a whole lot more thoughts and opinions but didn't fucking express them until it came as an order. Or a fucking lecture. Voight's take on the world. On life. On marriage. On family. It seemed like the handful of conversations they'd actually had – always had to be heavy shit. Not that he was on to just shoot the shit. And he didn't think Voight was either. And if he was going to shoot the shit with anyone – it likely wouldn't be Voight. They had an understanding. There were things he respected about him. And things he really didn't like about him. But they didn't have to be friends. He was pretty contend just keeping up the whole boss-subordinate with an authority issue dynamic and the father-in-law/son-in-law relative distance and distaste thing going. But sometimes that was fucking hard given the whole fucking mess that the family existed in. Given that he'd developed a relationship with Eth. And given that kid really needed some support and friends and mentors in his life – and ones that went fucking beyond Voight. But also keeping in mind the kid was sick and the kid loved and needed his dad. And somehow it was that fucking little kid that humanized Hank a lot and made him almost tolerable even in the moments Jay didn't particularly like him or wanted to sort of hate him.

But it was fucked. It was all fucked. Doing this with him was fucked. Because he didn't want to develop some father-son-like relationship with the guy. He really wasn't interested in that. At all. Voight got to do the father-son thing. Had his chance with Justin. Was having his chance with Eth. Would maybe get to be third-time lucky and figure it out with his grandkid. Because, Jay's experience was that relationships with your grandfather were a whole lot fucking easier than relationships with your dad. Or maybe that just worked if it was your maternal grandfather. And the guy wasn't a big fan of your pops either. Either way, he didn't have any intention on trying to fill whatever void it was that Justin left.

It was a fucking impossible task anyways. Even if he had liked or respected the guy – which he hadn't.

He felt bad for the family. Bad for Olive. Bad for Henry. Felt bad that Erin was having to go through it and that Voight – as a father – was going through it when he'd already lost his wife. Felt really bad for Eth because it'd just fucked him in the head real good.

But there was also this whole other part of him – that cynical part of him – that thought that in the end, all of them might end up being better off with the guy being out of the picture now. Rather than later. Rather than putting them all through years more of stress and bullshit. Bringing a whole different kind of living, breathing strain to the family.

At least in death, sometimes you could make yourself – delude yourself – into focusing on the positives and the happy. Glorify the person's memory. And make them look like better people than they were. And maybe that fucking delusion in the wake of the loss would be better than what a reality – a life – with Justin Voight still in the picture might've looked like.

Because people don't "change". Maybe new situations reveal different aspects of their character. Maybe that makes them have moments of seeming slightly better than they actually were. But it'd ultimately catch up with them. At the end of the day – Justin was still going to be the same guy, making the same kinds of decisions and mistakes as he had when he was thirteen or seventeen or twenty-one or twenty-four. No sugar-coating really changed that. You are who you are. You can't really escape it.

But that's not the kind of thing you lay out to the guy's father. It'd never be anything he'd directly say to Eth either. Though, in some ways, they'd talked around it. And maybe they'd get closer and closer to the heart of the topic as Eth grew up – if it was something he still needed to deal with and try to wrap his head around. And Jay figured it would. Because he still was trying at thirty-four years old to wrap his head around his relationship with his brother and all the fucking hurt and anger and frustration and pain there. And Will was still living. And it was still never going to change. He wouldn't. Not really. He didn't learn. He just kept putting himself in situations that proved over and over again that at his core – at his heart – he was the same person who'd make the same stupid choices and the same stupid mistakes and never quite figure it out or fix it because he was who he was.

He'd said some of it to Erin. When she wanted to talk or listen. But she'd also settled into a whole "don't want to speak ill of the dead" thing. Even though Justin had really hurt her too. Especially in that last year or so. Really, it was likely longer than that. More like since Camille Voight had died. Or at least since Justin had either gone to jail or gotten out of jail – and fucked it all up again – if you felt like being generous to the kind of person he was and the kind of mistakes he made.

And in a lot of ways she agreed with his stance – even though, she kept trying to focus on the little boy who'd been in that house when she moved in. Some eight year old kid. She talked about the kid – the one before Ethan was born – as this goofy, happy, smart, nice little boy. But Jay hadn't met that kid to even be sure if he existed. And he knew for a fact that whatever did exist in that kid, it sure seemed to fade when his baby brother was born. And outright disappeared after he either hit puberty or high school. And if you can't tell what kind of person a kid is going to grow up to be by then – you sure as fuck learn a lot about them in that period. It's when they show their true colors. As they stretch their wings and flex their muscles to become their true self. And for a whole lot of people – that self isn't that nice of person. It's not someone you want to associate with. Not even really someone you want to have to acknowledge is family. That you share blood with that creature.

And when he felt that way about Justin – he knew it was … just plain fucking weird to have to function as a part of the family now. And it was even more fucked up to be out at a hockey game with the guy's dad on the day after his birthday. When it was pretty clear that hockey or the Blackhawks was on a very short list of thing that Voight and Justin shared any sort of interest in. Or at least pretended to tolerate for the other's sake. Or for the relationship's sake.

But he hadn't really wanted to go alone – and he'd told the guy he'd go. That he'd use the tickets. That he'd watch the game. Erin didn't want to go, though. Not after the week. Not after the case. Not after the killshot. And Will flaked. He said he'd go and then did a fucking reversal and tried to play the 'good guy' card and say he needed to spend some 'quality time' with Nina. When as soon as you started designating time as 'quality time' or expressing it as something you 'needed' to include in your schedule – you knew that it wasn't that important to you. That it likely fucking never was. And that the relationship that had seemed like a bit of a farce from the get was now really charging toward complete implosion. So visibly that he'd already had Erin say to him – beg him – to not let Will move in after the evitable breakout unless he set a clearly defined move-out deadline before Will taking over "Ethan's" bedroom at the townhouse. Which would really just cause a whole other conflict. But like Erin liked to say – family's family. But sometimes dealing with her family's fucked up dynamic seemed way fucking easier than having to deal with his.

Because it wasn't like he wanted Will to end up having to move in and mooch off them. The fucking doctor? A former plastic surgeon? Wants to mooch off two cops barely making ends meet? And not just two cops – his little brother? It was so fucking Will. But Erin was right. He could see it coming too.

And he was trying to brace himself for it. And how to deal with it. And what all that'd mean. Because the reality was that Will always flaked out on him. Always ended up hurting him and pissing him off. For things as simple as showing up to use a free ticket at an NHL playoff game to. Things more complicated that should've been fucking simple … like your mom dying slowly from cancer. But Will always found a way to make it harder than it needed to be. To always have some lame excuse that covered up the truth of the whole situation. And the whole situation was always that he was still a fucking screw up. Just one that had "doctor" attached to his name. That made him the golden child or meal ticket in the neighborhood – in the family.

So Voight was the sort of option. He could've done others. He could've offered it to Eth. He could've asked Ruzek or Atwater or … maybe Choi. He'd get it. But Erin suggested Hank. And in a way, she was right to say it. But that didn't make this period of … chitchat easier. And Jay wasn't sure it'd make sitting next to him during the game any more comfortable either. Because he always felt like he had to have his guard up around him. He wasn't really sure what he was ever supposed to say or how to act or what to do.

And this wasn't like taking a lunch break or going on a fishing trip or helping out around the house or with Eth. Then there were things to do. To be done. To focus on. And sure, they'd focus on the ice. On the game. But he wasn't sure Voight was the kind of guy who'd be high-fiving about any success going on down on the rink. Or that he'd be someone to groan at the inadequacy of the plays or the atrocities that St. Louis was committing in ousting their Hawks in just the Second Round play. But he'd just have to play it by ear. Because sometimes Voight surprised him. Sometimes he was more fucking human than Jay wanted to admit. And sometimes seeing the fallibility was hard too. Because it made you acknowledge it in yourself too. And he wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing.

"You and Erin do something last night?" was all he asked despite that look, though.

But Jay just shook his head. "Weren't really in the head space for that," he allowed.

Voight grunted and nodded. "Said you two want to take Magoo for the weekend. That about where her head's at or it some belated birthday thing?"

Jay kept his eyes at that rasp. "The kid was fourteen," he put bluntly.

"I know," Voight smacked.

And the truth was Erin's head wasn't exactly on straight about it. Not yet. But she was doing OK. But she'd shot and killed a fourteen year old kid. A kid just a few months older than Eth. They were sending a fifteen year old to jail. They were dealing with seventeen-year-olds blowing the brains out of two other kids to keep them from talking. And telling the kid they were sending him off to juvie and they'd protect him and set him up with something when he got out if he kept his head down – really just sounded like another fucking death sentence too. Might as well give him the needle. But maybe it was better than sending him back out into the city and leaving that poor kid on the run and just waiting for a bullet to blaze through his skull too.

But how do you fucking get your head on straight about any of that? When you've got kids that age at home? That you go home to? That you still schedule Lego outings as bribes with and take them to movies that are rated PG? When the kid's favorite topics are dinosaurs, cars, robots, the Cubs and Minecraft? When all he wants to do is tinker with his circuit boards, stare at his baseball cards and race cars and spaceships around terrain planets on his Xbox? When his idea of an amazing outing is walking over to the park to toss the ball around? Or to the hobby store to look at models and collector cards and comic books and board games and strange action figures? When all he dreams about and pines for in things to do with you is for you to sign him up for some paintball or taking him fishing? When to him a high-class meal is still spaghetti and meatballs at some friend of Dad's restaurant or a large serving or fries – and just the fries? Or a burrito bowl with none of the "gross stuff" but all the "green stuff"? When you work on middle school math homework with them? And when they do stay over on a Friday or Saturday night – what they want on a weekend morning that you're off is for you to make them fucking banana pancakes and chocolate-almond butter smoothies for breakfast – granting you fucking permission to make a strawberry one for their big sister as a way to appease her about being woken up by the fucking Ninja Blender blaring through the kitchen?

When you know that even though the kid you shot down as robbing banks and driving around motorcycles in high speed chases and shooting down people with automatic weapons. When he was mixed in with a gang lifestyle and being manipulated by a professional criminal that was just using him as a means to an end. That that kid's mom wouldn't have listed off any of that as being her son. That she likely would've listed off all sorts of little boy thing that her fourteen year old kid still did at home. When he had interests and hobbies and quirks that you expected in a young teen. Not the sort of things you expected a gangbanger to be doing. Not the way you pictured them. Even though so many of these kids were just that – kids. Who played videogames and rode bikes and watched movies and listened to music and had siblings and moms and favorite meals too.

How do you get your head on straight about that when Erin openly acknowledged that she likely would've been dead in the streets by fifteen if the Voights hadn't taken her in? That she would've run errands as bad or worse. That she would've made as deadly of mistakes. And if she hadn't – she would've died as a kid barely older than Eth with a needle hanging out of her arm?

How do you get your head on straight about that when you've just barely put in your decade on the job? But for all the shit you've seen and experienced – and for how it's fucked you up inside – you hadn't had to shoot a kid yet? Deal with dead kids. Deal with kids who'd have horrible things done to them. Or who had done horrible things themselves. Manipulative psychopaths. Or mentally ill weepy-stories who hadn't gotten help. Lots of examples of how the system didn't work and how it chewed up the youth of Chicago and just spit them back out. But actually shoot a kid dead in the street? When you didn't know it was a kid? When you had people who weren't there or weren't in the situation suggesting that they somehow knew better about what had gone down than you? Like if they were looking down the barrel of an automatic weapon that they would've waited until the first shot was fired – at them – before they pulled their own trigger?

Jay didn't know how Erin was supposed to have her head on straight about that. Even though he was all about the compartmentalization and the fucking denial. About just not dealing with any of it – or his emotions about it. When he had killed kids before. When he'd seen kids blown up. When he'd had kids in suicide vest sent in to kill him and his unit. He'd seen kids step on IEDs. He'd watched villages full of mostly civilians – women and children – get completely leveled. And he'd helped in all that. He'd aided in that … fight against terrorism. Whatever the fuck that meant anymore. Sometimes you couldn't tell who the real bad guys were anymore. What they were fighting for. What that fight was supposed to look like. Who the real winners or losers in any of it was. And it all just never ended. It went on and on.

And he didn't want to tell her to compartmentalize it. Or pretend it didn't happen. Or that that kid's face wasn't going to haunt her for the rest of her life. Or that she'd done her job the way she was supposed to and that was all she needed to know or worry about. Or that he hadn't thought about Eth too – that he didn't think of Eth every time they ended up on a case that involved teenaged kids. He didn't want to lie to her. And he didn't know how to make it better.

But he did know that being around Eth generally made things better for her. That even when he annoyed and frustrated her – he was a stabilizing force for her. One that kept her from going back to crutches or finding banana peels to slip on or holes to crawl into. So if she wanted to spend time around Eth that night. Or she wanted to have Eth around that weekend – it sounded OK to him. Because that was something that he could easily manage. Something he could help with. Something he could do that felt like more than just … being there for her. For them to talk but not talk. Because she didn't seem to know what to say about it yet beyond repeating over and over that the kid was only fourteen. And about all he could figure out to do was to hug her and hold her.

But all he provided to Voight was, "Timing of it all is just coincidence."

Voight gave him another smack like he wasn't going to just accept that answer. The slow sip out of his beer seemed to just drive the point home. Or maybe confirm that the brew was so bad you had to sip it to make it bearable.

"Been talking about taking him to Guardians for a while," Jay offered. "Just happens to release this weekend. May the Fourth – Star Wars Day – just how things landed. I figured Free Comic Book Day would just be … something worth checking out. Maybe he'd find something he actually wants to and can read. And the free Lego build thing is always the first weekend of the month. Just lines up with the other things well. Gives him a ten bucks off coupon so he can pick out a bigger set this month."

"Notes in his calendar and portal haven't been so hot lately," Voight graveled.

Jay shrugged. "Base it on him being co-operative with his homework," he muttered. "Not the mark or his teacher's take on the effort he put in."

Voight nodded. He seemed to accept that. Jay knew that in some ways Voight didn't particularly like that he and Erin had instituted some of their own responsibilities, rewards and consequences system with Eth. That they had their own ways of doing things. That they had their own rules. And that about thirty percent of the time – it was their rules that Eth was having to live up to. Their goal posts. And they weren't so different than Voight's. They wanted the same things. They just wanted to do it their own way. They needed to. For their own sanity. To make it work.

And for them having a $15 prize to work toward each month worked. It was enough to get Eth to co-operate most nights they had him. To not have to deal with extra lip and hassle about home and studying and clearing the table and picking up after himself in the house. An easy gratification each month – where he didn't have to budget and divvy up his allowance. He just had to be a decent kid (and he was) each month and then he got pick something he wanted within reason at that price tag or less and he got to have it right then and there.

Jay hadn't told him it needed to be Lego. But for now that was their thing. Go to the free build to get his few blocks in whatever tacky little model Lego was using as a gimmick that month attached to some sale that was never so great and then pick out the latest Microfighter set. The big event would probably include walking next door for Eth to get his fry fix at M Burger before going back to the townhouse and working at putting the set together. Together.

Basically – he gave the kid a couple hours out on a Friday night or Saturday morning once a month. A couple hours of his time where he wasn't brow beating him about homework or chores or trucking him back and forth to his dad's or school or District or RIC or medical appointments and tutors and therapists. Low key.

And a little tradition he'd managed to establish with the kid – to ingrain in forming a relationship with Eth - that Jay knew was likely going to change soon. Because it was only a matter of time before Eth started wanting comic books or iTunes cards or Xbox cards or Starbucks cards or some piece of vinyl or some tshirt or something that wasn't Lego. Because he was almost fourteen. And kids were cruel. And he wanted to be cool. And he wanted to fit in. And at some point their little secret that once a month they geeked out on Star Wars and Lego – at fourteen and thirty-four – was going to get out somehow soon enough and then Eth wouldn't want to do it anymore. He'd feel like he wasn't allowed. So they'd have to … find something else. Try something else. To get him through his teens. To get all of them through his teens. For him to make it through better than he had. Or Erin had. Or his brother had. Or that kid in the morgue had. Or the one headed to lock-up the other night had.

And Jay thought Hank got that too. That that – getting Eth through – they all knew they were in that together now. And they were all pretty much willing to do whatever needed to be done to achieve that.

"Erin seemed to think he's been off this week?" Hank rasped, gave him another look but let his eyes drift back up to the monitor directed at the ice. Like he didn't care to know the answer. When Jay knew with Voight – when it came to Eth – that was about as far from the truth as you could get. But he was trying to keep it casual. "Your read on that that it holds any water or she's projecting?"

Jay sighed as he processed how to respond to that. He crossed his arms and stared at the screen too. Because he kind of wished the sandwiches would come faster. Not so much so they could get down to their seats – but so they didn't have to talk about … this.

"Honestly …," he finally said, staring at the screen too. They were missing the pregame skate. But hopefully they'd get down there for the montage. The anthem. How long did it really take to pile some tri-tip on a brioche. Seriously, United Center might've improved their food a lot. But it hadn't done anything about getting that food in a timely fashion. "Likely a bit of both. He was definitely off tonight. Don't know about what. Got the sense that maybe someone said something about the Star Wars Day stuff. But who fucking knows …"

Voight grunted. And took a sip of his beer again. He seemed pretty fixed on the preskate. But Voight did seem to like his hockey. But supposed growing up in Chicago you were supposed to. And Voight? He would've grown up watching Bobby Hull on the ice. That'd be a site. If you weren't a hockey fan before that – was pretty sure that the Golden Jet would've converted you.

"Thought kids that age like Star Wars," Voight rasped.

Jay shrugged. "I'd say so. But kids that age also fucking suck."

Voight gave him another glance and brought down his beer. "Erin said you two have checked out this Thirteen Ways shit."

"Reasons," Jay corrected and Voight smacked at him. "Thirteen Reasons Why," he clarified. "And, yea, we sat through it."

"And?" Voight put to him.

Jay shrugged. "Kids that age fucking suck," he added again and took a long swig of his own drink.

Because he really didn't fucking want to get into how much kids that age sucked. How much bullshit he'd gone through in high school. How watching some of that fucking show just reminded him how fucking … blind and cruel kids and staff and administration are. How the fucking passiveness – the indirect approval and condolence of behavior – ended up hurting you just as much as the fucking outright bullies and predators. The ones who put you through the hell.

That teachers, principals, counselors, "friends", classmates, parents, siblings, girlfriends who weren't girlfriends … they all played some sort of role in letting that happen to you by simply not helping you. Or ignoring it was happening. Or being so fucking clueless that it was happening. Or thinking it wasn't a big deal. Or that you were bringing it on yourself. Or not seeing the signs that the daily life you were going through day-in and day-out was eating you alive. That it wasn't just teenaged moodiness that was turning you into an angry, anti-authority, introverted loner.

It was the fucking bystander effect. It was all of this macho, type-A society trying to perpetrate this idea that anything inappropriate that happened wasn't really inappropriate. That you were just blowing it out of proportion. That it was really just hazing or initiation. That it was some sort of male camaraderie. Or being part of the team. That you should expect that sort of shit when you were a rookie. Or a freshman. Or a scholarship student. That you had to prove yourself. And pay your dues. And just shut up about it. That you were the problem – not what was happening. Not what they were doing to you. That it wasn't a big deal.

And Jay had tried really hard to convince himself of that. For a long time. He'd tried really hard to believe that shit when people he'd tried to talk to about it told him exactly that – that it wasn't a big deal, that he was blowing it out of proportion, that he was taking it out of context, that he should just suck it up and shut up before he brought at stigma to Will's status at the school or cost himself a scholarship by rattling the sabers about what was going on too much. And eventually he'd listened. He'd shut up. He'd really shut up. And he'd shut down to. He'd closed in on himself. And he'd built up walls. And then he'd just waited for his opportunity to escape. To get far, far away from all of it. To runaway from what had happened. And to try not to ever have to deal with it. To try to ignore it. And to forget it. And it just hadn't fucking ever worked. And that made him shut up even more. For a long fucking time.

But talking about any of that – all of that – with Erin was hard enough. Talking about how it'd impacted him and affected him. How it still fucking screwed him up in a lot of ways. Dealing with his angry and hate and blame. And self-loathing. At still feeling like he'd somehow brought it on himself or that he hadn't been able to help himself or protect himself. That he still tried to convince himself that it really wasn't that big of deal and he shouldn't still be as fucked up about it all as he was.

But he could almost sort of talk to her about some of it sometimes. Because she got it. In her own way. Because she'd been through hell too. Maybe a different ring of it. But hell too. So she understood. Sometimes. Or at least she tried. At least she knew how to say things – or to not say things – that didn't just piss him off more. Or make didn't make him feel alone and misunderstood and just fucking stupid all over again.

But Voight – he didn't need to know any of that. He didn't want him to know any of that. He fucking hated that he'd been around the guy long enough – at work and in his home – and that the guy was astute enough that he'd likely picked up on some of it. That he'd caught some sort of vibe. But he sure as fuck didn't plan on laying out the details for him. Ever. They'd just go with his childhood sucked, he had a shit relationship with his father, he had a strained relationship with his so-called older brother, and that he was an Afghan vet who had PTSD. That was more than he wanted his boss – even if he was his almost father-in-law – to know as it was. More than fucking enough.

"Said it's got her worried about Magoo," Hank put flatly but gave him another one of those examinations.

Jay looked at the cookie Voight had bought him. It was a giant fucking cookie. And it should be at six bucks a pop. A Big Fat Cookie as they called it. Less of a cookie and more like a fucking scone with cookie-like texture. A Chicago foodie staple anymore. And triple chocolate chocolate chip. His favorite. He wondered if Voight had known that. Or it'd just been a random buy. Something he was supposed to pick through at the game and maybe share with him. Or something that he was supposed to save and share with Erin when he got home. Though, she would've preferred just the classic chocolate chip. So maybe it wasn't for her – even if it was to be shared with her. It was for him. Another little somehow random observation that Voight had somehow caught onto and internalized about him. That he picked triple chocolate. The dark side. Over the classic.

"I think we're all worried about him," Jay allowed. "About the future. What the next few years are going to look like."

It fucking petrified them. Him. Erin. They'd talked about it. A lot. A lot, a lot considering Eth wasn't their kid. But they both just knew … what high school could be like. What private school could be like. What Catholic school could be like. What being from a different income bracket or a scholarship kid meant. The kind of stigmas that added when high school was all about who you were and how the other kids fucking perceived you. And all these fucking kids had all these perceptions about Ethan already. He was a walking mark. He carried the stigma. And he hadn't even been cast to the sharks yet but it felt like they were circling and getting ready to eat him alive. And what that was going to do to the already fragile kid scared them shitless enough.

Watching this fucking Thirteen Reasons Why shit hadn't really helped in just reminding them how fucking fucked high school was. And how much fucking worse it'd become since they were in high school. All the fucking tools that had been handed to these kids to use are further torture devices.

And it didn't fucking help when they all knew Eth was already struggling. At school. At home. With friends. With life and society. Physically and mentally and emotionally. When he took handfuls of drugs and injections a day to manage his M.S. symptoms. More to manage some of the weird concentration issues that were almost ADD combined with OCD that came out of the fucking brain trauma. And then more to try to balance the poor kid's stress and anxiety not just about all that but that he was just thirteen years old and had already lost his mom and his older brother and had survived some pretty fucking significant injuries and now was living with life-long illness that had made him a bigger target for these jagoffs. And then he was growing up in a family where they all worked high risk jobs. So the kid lived in fucking fear that he was going to be left more alone than he already felt.

How do you not worry about a kid like that. Not have your own fucking anxiety about his future. Wonder how the fuck you get him through high school and make him believe that it all will pass and that he had a good, full life to look forward to. And Jay didn't know if he could say any of that shit to Eth with a straight face. If anything he said to the kid to try to make it seem better would all just be some sort of big lie. And he didn't want to do that to the kid either. And he didn't think Erin did either. And he didn't get the impression that Voight sugar-coated life ever but he had to be Eth's fucking cheerleader and advocate day-in, day-out too. And somehow that just felt like a fallacy too. All of it.

The next four years of Eth's life were likely going to be hell. And he wasn't exactly living in heaven right now. Jay wasn't even sure he'd say that Eth was just in purgatory. And he wasn't sure if or when it was going to get better. No matter what he wanted or hoped for the kid.

Voight grunted. "Yea …," he acknowledged and stared up at the screen.

But Jay could hear in his voice – see in the eyes – that he was still processing whatever Erin had said to him. And whatever had been said, Jay knew there'd been tears. Because he'd seen those in her eyes when he came in too. And he hadn't had a chance to weigh if those tears were more about the case, the kill shot, about Eth, about her worry, her frustrations or just her utter exhaustion. But he did know that he felt better knowing that she was at that house she'd grown up in and with Eth and with Henry and that Olive would be stopping by to get the kid in a couple hours. And she wasn't sitting at the townhouse alone while he was here – doing something he'd promised but something he wasn't entirely sure felt right in anyway.

"Glad he's got you through it," Hank finally said and gave him a little nod. His eyes on him. Not the screen anymore. "That he's got you to go to and talk to. Know that he feels able to come to you and talk to you about some things he won't with me or Erin."

"Yea …," Jay acknowledged.

Because he knew Eth did that. And sometimes it was awkward and required judgment calls about what he did and didn't pass on. And to who. And how to deal with any of the situations that did get presented to him. Ranging from fucking innocent and just Eth being sort of a clueless kid sometimes without a filter. To moments like the whole choking game thing that fucking scared him shitless. And Jay knew too that when he thought about the sort of crap that Ethan was likely going to encounter in high school it kind of scared him shitless too. Because he was afraid it was going to wreck such a nice kid. That it was finally going to find a way to break a kid that was already broken. And Ethan didn't deserve that. No kid did really.

Voight just nodded and looked back at the screen. "Glad he has that …" he muttered again. Real quiet like. Weirdly quiet for Hank. "Appreciate it."

And Jay stared at him more. Because it wasn't often that Voight used words like that. Not at work. Not at home. Not personally or professionally. That shit got earned. It didn't just get given out.

But nothing more got said then. And Jay didn't want to say anything to it anyway. He never knew what to say to the guy when he got some sort of gratitude or acknowledgement. He never knew what to say to anyone when that happened. Accepting that kind of … appreciation, honesty … it wasn't in his make-up. He wasn't used to it. And maybe he really just felt like … he shouldn't be thanked for doing something that was a given. That was part of the job. Or a responsibility. Or just something that someone … that a man, or a decent person, or family, or an older brother even if he was just an in-law one … was supposed to do.

But he didn't have to say anything. And he wasn't sure Voight expected him or wanted him to either. The awkwardness stopped, though. Because their number got called, flashing up on the screen. And Voight dodged – not very delicately - around the people who'd gathered around them also waiting. He plopped his beer into the cup holder in the one cardboard box and grabbed them both, pushing through the crowd again and holding the unclaimed box at Jay to deposit his own beer before taking it.

Jay started to push through the rest of the mass. He didn't like crowds much either. And Voight – short and stout – seemed to barge through them better than him. Bull in a China Shop and just not giving a shit. But he didn't. Not then. He let Jay take the lead.

"Should tell E that it's your birthday," Hank provide, though, as they made their way around people. "He'd feel pretty chuffed at getting to spend Saturday with you doing all that stuff. For you birthday."

"Yea …," Jay acknowledged. Because he was right. He knew his kids. He'd give the guy that.

"But shouldn't keep him overnight Saturday," Voight added. "Should give yourself and Erin some time. Should consider telling me what you want thrown on the grill."

And Jay gave him another look at that too. He'd been over at Hank's for dinner a lot. But he'd never been asked what he wanted to eat before. A meal had never been offered up as by request. But that – getting to pick your meal on your birthday - that was tradition. He knew that. He'd been around long enough to know that. You got to pick your meal. You got your favorite dessert. He glanced at the cookie in his hand. And then looked back at Hank who just gave an expectant smack.

"Ah …," he stumbled for a moment. And it was such a fucking stupid thing to stumble over. But he hadn't had anyone … besides Erin … ask what he wanted to eat in a long time. Not in a context of them making him something. Cooking. Where take out should be ordered maybe. What restaurant to meet at. But a meal? Not since his mom … "Pork ribs …" he managed.

Voight nodded. "Can do that," he allowed. "Smoked, right?"

"Yea …," Jay acknowledged.

Voight just made another sound. A mental catalogue. "It's that apple butter sauce you like on them?"

"Ah …," Jay stumbled again. "I mean … I like the rub you do."

Voight shrugged. "Magoo can have that sauce." A flat statement of fact. Because he'd picked up on the hesitation. That he didn't want to be an inconvenience. Or he didn't want to request something that Eth couldn't eat. Or something that no one else liked.

"I like that sauce …," he admitted.

"Mmm …," Voight grunted at him. "With the kick, right? The jalapeno."

"Yea …," Jay allowed. "I'd like that."

Voight just grunted and glanced around. "Sure," he said but then gestured at the various entrances. "So where we sitting?"

Jay still felt … weird. Again. Awkward. And he fucking hated that some how Voight always seemed to catch him off guard like that. By … acknowledging him. Or treating him like a fucking human being. By fucking knowing or catalogue or observing his likes and dislikes.

And he really fucking hated that he knew this had happened enough that Voight must've observed too that it took him off guard. That he struggled with it. That his fucking baggage and traumas and PTSD and … just too much of himself was showing in moments like that. And it was like Voight had seen him and now because of that he was getting glimpses of parts of him that he didn't want him to see. But he threw these fucking curve balls that just caught him sometimes. And he wasn't sure how to deal with that.

Usually he just tried to walk away. To runaway. Again. To make it so he didn't see his wounds or his vulnerabilities in that moment. But this wasn't a moment he could do that. So instead he pulled the tickets out of his pocket and gazed at them. Gazed longer then he should've needed to. Because his eyes momentarily blurred with the emotion of knowing he was being seen right then. And that wasn't something he wanted Voight to see either.

"Ah …," he managed, looking up and glancing at the entrance they were standing at. "Here," he allowed and motioned for them to go in. "Row Twenty-Seven."

Hank gave him a look and another smack. A slightly impressed one. "Not bad," he allowed.

Jay shrugged. Because he really couldn't lay claim to that. And as Will had pointed out – Row Twenty-Seven did mean they were nearing the rafters. But Jay wasn't sure he believed there was really a bad seat in the United Center. Or when the Hawks were on the ice – and in the race for the Cup. Even if their playoff run was going spectacularly badly that year.

Hank just gave him another one of those looks, though. "Appreciate this too," he said. "Never gotten to a playoff game before."

Jay looked at him, as the guy started down the steps, glancing at the row numbers. It was a ways down. At least they were in the first row of the nosebleed seats. And Jay wasn't sure that could be called a nosebleed at all.

"Thought you said it was a right of passage," Jay provided.

Voight just made a dismissive sound. "You know how it is," he allowed. "Cop pop. Schedule. Not a ton of extra cash around the house. Didn't make it out growing up. And we were in a bit of a drought while Justin was growing up."

Jay just nodded, though. Because he did know. He understood a lot of that. "Never been to a playoff game either …"

Voight just grunted at that, as he got down to the front row and gestured in question of which way they were headed.

"Five, six," Jay provided.

Voight nodded and started to wade the few seats in, stepping around the people who'd gotten to their seats long before them. To see the whole show – that they were getting there just in time for. To barely sit down before the whole history of the game and history of the team montage started its projection. Just in time.

"There you go," Voight said, as he settled his boxed dinner on his lap and pulled up his beer to stare up at the montage and then down at the ice. "Shared rite of passage."

And maybe for once – the guy saying anything didn't seem so fucking weird or strained. That it just was a fucking statement. A fact. And wasn't as awkward as Jay maybe wanted to be. Maybe it almost felt fucking normal. Or whatever way this sort of shit was supposed to feel. Human.

Or like cold beer at a Hawks game in the Cup race – with grown men watching grown men on skates. And maybe there was something in there that you had to like about that. Even if you didn't want to.

 **AUTHOR'S NOTE: A lot of people let me know that FF didn't send out an alert yesterday. So in case you missed it, the chapter immediately before this — THE FORCE - was posted yesterday. Please check it out.**

 **As always, your readership, reviews and feedback are appreciated.**


	34. Hidden Truths

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

Erin leaned against the door jam to Ethan's room, staring in at him, as he lay on his side – facing the wall and slowly stroking at Bear who'd cuddled up next to him. Keeping watch. Bear might not be much of a watch dog for the house but he was a pretty good watch dog for Ethan – and very attuned to him mentally, emotionally and physically too. The dog had picked up just as much as anyone else that something was wrong.

"It was kind of rude you didn't come down to see Olive," Erin put to him flatly.

"I didn't want to hear about her stupid exam," Ethan mumbled.

It just proved that he had been awake up here and that he'd been listening to them downstairs. And as much as he didn't care – he must've cared enough – because he easily could've gotten up and closed the door and turned on his music or put on his headphones. But he hadn't. That either screamed he was hurting too much physically to move. Or he was hurting too much emotionally to motivate himself to adjust a situation he didn't much like or care about.

"And putting it that way is really rude," Erin said.

Because it was. Not that her family excelled at being polite for the sake of being polite. But it was different when it was family. You tried with family. You showed a certain level of interest and respect and caring with family. And Olive – she was family. In their significantly less than perfect and rather mish-mashed family. So she didn't need anyone to be ruder to her than maybe they already were in a way that made her feel anymore awkward and out-of-place than she already did.

And Erin tried. More than tried. Even though she didn't care too much about Olive's exam either. Other than hoping she passed. But she sat and listened to her in the front room for a bit while the other woman vented and tried to unwind from the written part of her test. It sounded like it didn't go as well as Olive might've hoped. But it also didn't sound awful. Erin thought it was more that Olive just needed to talk for a bit. And she was likely grateful – though a little surprised - that it'd been her there when she was picking up Henry and not Hank.

She wouldn't have talked to Hank. For Olive who'd tried so hard when she was pregnant and could motor almost as well as Ethan when she was nervous – she was now very cautious and measured in what she said and how she interacted with any of them. Though, Erin knew she was the most open with her. But even that was done carefully and cautiously. Like she was watching everything she said and she was scared she was going to say or do something wrong.

And Erin could understand where she was coming from. She'd been there herself. And even though Olive's situation was very different – she could appreciate the apprehension. Because Erin knew that if things went south again – if Olive ran and left them and hurt them again – it'd be hard to let her back into the fold. To trust her again. There's second-chances and then there's fool-me-twice situations. Though, Erin knew that if it did happen – if Olive did leave again without involving them in the discussion or at least alerting them of the decision more than when she was running out the door – they'd all still try anyway. Maybe not for Olive but to have some kind of relationship with Henry. To have a piece of Justin still in their lives.

"When's Dad getting home?" was all Ethan muttered at her again, though.

She shrugged against the doorframe. "When the game's over," she said.

Because that was obvious. Also obvious that they'd then have to navigate the crowds to get out of the arena and back to whatever they parked. And then sit in a traffic jam to get out of the parking spot and toward home. Even those two and a half miles between home and the Blackhawks' home ice could be long-going on a slow stretch on a game night – especially a playoff game night. So it'd likely be a while even after the buzzer went.

"It's taking long 'nuff," he mumbled, stroking at Bear.

"It went into overtime," she allowed.

It made her smile a little to herself. Because she knew that they were both likely enjoying the game. Because she knew that Jay would be thrilled if the Hawks pulled through to play another night. So he could rub it in her face. Not that she believed that had much of a chance of losing the gap and making it into the next round of the quest for the Cup. But at least they might lace up their skates one more time before the off-season. Or maybe not. OT could go off the rails pretty quick. and she could see the way his hand as hopping.

"So it's going to be a while," she clarified.

She wasn't sure how up Eth was on hockey. Though, he watched some games with his dad. He took a causal interest in it because of Justin. He'd seemed sort of interested in sledge hockey for a bit too. But she supposed it just wasn't him. Eth wasn't really the modern gladiator type. And him on skates didn't work that well these days – not without accommodations that made him stick out like a sore thumb. And going to a game – or even just a rink to skate around in circles for a while – just ultimately ended up leaving him freezing and shaking more than he was in that moment.

She let out a little sigh at the sight of it and glanced over to his dresser to see his weighed gloves there. She went and retrieved them, going and sitting on the edge of his bed. But he still ignored her.

"C'mon," she pressed at him, giving his leg under the blankets a bit of a shake but he jerked it away. She stared a bit harder at him. "Sit up," she told him more sternly. "We're going to put these on."

"I don't want them," he mumbled again.

"It's not about what you want," she said. "It's what you need."

"I don't need them," he hissed out.

She stared at him. For a long beat. Deciding how big sister meanie she should get on him. How much tone he needed. How much she really needed to play disciplinarian that night.

But she also knew whatever was going on in that head of his, it wasn't the disciplinarian he needed that night. It was his big sister. Even if it was his adult big sister who had been having to learn how to navigate what being a big sister and a guardian and some sort of unstated surrogate mom meant. But whatever it did mean, it meant that she was pretty sure he didn't need to be told off that night – even if that's what he sort of needed.

So instead she reached and drew up the weighted-blanket folded at the foot of Ethan's bed. The one that for all the things that Olive's Aunt Crazy wasn't good-for – mainly being a reliable source of babysitting or support for Olive and Henry – she was pretty good at the whole arts and crafts thing. Even if she usually stuck to the whole weird wiccan crunchy-granola slightly-fried former hippy realm.

But when a weighted-blanket had been suggested for Ethan - to help calm his tremors and his twitching and his spasticity in his legs and maybe just generally calm him under its weight - and Hank had researched how much the fucking things actually cost, the crazy aunt had proven sort of useful. As had Olive getting herself educated in physical and rehabilitative therapy. Because she'd been able to get access to instructions and patterns and explain to Crazy what was needed – and she'd been able to put it together and sew it up and fashion something that was useable.

Or unusable – tonight - because Eth just kicked his feet a bit as she realized what she was doing and whined at her, "Don't. Bear doesn't like it."

"I'm not putting it over him," she said, still pulling the blanket up and over top of him, working at tucking it around his tremoring body. "If Bear doesn't like it, he can move."

But the dog only glanced up at her at the statement of his name – lifting his head briefly to see what she wanted. He realized it was nothing – or at least nothing to do with him - and just flopped his head right back down next to Eth. Completely undisturbed by the blanket being put into place. But Eth still decided to pull his arm out from under it – defeating its purpose – and push the blanket partway down his chest.

"Ethan," she sighed at him. "You aren't going to be able to sleep with how much you're tremoring."

He again ignored her and went back to stroking at Bear. As best he could with the way he was shaking. So the poor dog was likely getting more of a jiu jitsu massage than a petting. But maybe he liked that. Or maybe not.

Bear dog eyed her. Like he was telling her to do something. To make it stop.

So she reached and put her hand over Eth's. It wasn't just tremoring – it was a complete ice block. She sighed at him harder and put her other hand over his, gripping it between her palms even as he tried to pull away. She just tugged gently – until his shoulder rocked and she could actually catch sight of his eyes.

"Are your feet this cold too?" she nodded at him. Because she knew they would be. His feet were always cold and if his hands were this cold – it was a given that his feet were likely even colder.

He tried to pull away again. "No," he spat.

But she didn't believe him. She gave his hand another little tug. "Eth," she said firmly, "you're going to sit up and we're going to get your gloves and some warmer socks on."

She reached and tugged down the blanket a little bit more. He was still in his Iggy's uniform.

She shook her head at him. She should've known. He hadn't come down for dinner and any time she'd checked on him, he'd just been laying in his bed in a complete sulk. Working at sending her anxiety through the roof about what was going on. And testing her patience and frustration levels when she was already pretty mentally and emotionally tapped all on her own.

Normally, she would've at least partially played the game with him. She would've been worried about him. She would've tried to be the adult. She would've given him a chance to open up to her and for them to try to talk it out. She would've tried to be patient. She tried that a whole fucking lot with Ethan. It tested her limits sometimes. In a way that … she wasn't sure she would tolerate out of anyone else. But in another way that she knew if she could manage to be that patient with Ethan – then she would be okay when she got around to having kids too. Really, if Hank could manage to set the example of being as patient with Ethan as he was … and really as impatiently patient he was with her and Justin … she could manage.

But she hadn't really tried that night. Not until now with Olive having picked up Henry. Because her attention was focused on him. She finished dinner. She got him ready for bed. She did bath and storytime and the fussing to get him to shut his eyes and sleep when he wasn't home and wanted to wait for his mom and when she knew that he'd be awake again as soon as Olive came in the door – and she'd likely just have to be doing the whole bedtime thing again when she got him into the car and back to the condo. But she'd done it. And she'd cleaned up the kitchen and packed up the leftovers and earmarked items for Olive and for her and Jay and for Hank's freezer. And she'd acted like the grown-up she was – and a member of the family she was in – when that night what she'd really wanted was alone time.

When what she'd really wanted was for Will not to flake out on Jay. For them to drop Ethan off. For her to have a little talk with Hank. And then to go home and have the townhouse to herself for a few hours while she tried to figure out how she felt about … everything. And about nothing. To maybe try to let herself go into some sort of oblivion for a while. At least mentally with some sort of mindfulness technique that she was supposed to be practicing but that she really wasn't very good at. Because she couldn't let things for. She made things personal. And lately … so much … too much … it felt personal.

So maybe it was better being there with Ethan and Henry. Not that she'd seen much fo Eth that night. And spending time with Henry was just … weird. It made her think about and feel all sorts of other things she didn't want to think about and feel. The strange reflection of how much of Justin she saw in the little boy. And how the toddler made her think of Ethan and Hank too. The near flashbacks she was having to changing Eth's diapers and helping with bathtime and bedtime and babysitting with him when he was that age. Because that was part of the deal. For her to stay in the house. To stay at home. To not be in school full-time. To only be working part-time. And to still be working at keeping getting her head on straight. To grow up and keep on the right path.

And Ethan had really helped her do that. Even though she'd been less than enthused about being what she'd sort of thought was being sold to her as like some sort of au pair service at the time. In her eighteen and nineteen year old mind that fought against the proposition that Hank and Camille had put in front of her. But it wasn't. She was just being his big sister. They'd always just treated her like his big sister. But an older sister – with time on her hands – to be a contributing member to the responsibilities that came with being part of that family. And that meant helping take care of her brothers. Her little brothers. Her new baby brother.

That's always how it'd been framed. And even though she'd always tried to see herself that way she wasn't sure that it was until Camille was gone that she … appreciated how much of a role she'd had. How she'd been encouraged and pushed and ordered to be that in Justin and Ethan's lives. Because she had relationships with them. She loved them. And the two of them … in their own ways … they both gave her a purpose and a foundation and a stability that when beyond the roof over her head and food on the table and adults telling her what to do in trying to look out for her that Hank and Camille provided.

Sometimes – maybe more now than every before – she missed when Eth was that little. The normalcy of their family when it was abnormal even then. And it hurt that Justin was missing it all with Henry. And it hurt more realizing that this time last year she would've been pregnant. She might not have known yet. But she would've been. And in some sort of alternate universe her and Jay would've had a little five-month-old that they would've been doing bathtime and bedtime and trying to figure it all out themselves too.

And this strange realization that … she'd be okay at it. That her and Jay … they'd be okay. That they might even be good at it. Because they were good with Henry. They were good with Ethan. That they sacrificed and were kind and cared. And they gave up a lot to make sure these two … little humans were going to be okay too.

And the stranger still realization that Camille had laid the groundwork for that. That Hank had played a role in it too. That being the big sister had done that. A real one. Not the kind that she'd had to be when Teddy was little – and she was still little too. That having an actual … more "normal" … ish … sibling relationship with Justin. That being that bigger, older sister with Ethan. Having a little baby brother put into her arms when she was seventeen and being told – reaffirmed daily – that she was part of the family and she was his and he was hers. And that came with rights and responsibilities and roles and sacrifices. That maybe she didn't want all that but Ethan had so made her want it too. Because he'd stolen her heart as a baby. Because she'd bonded with him among those dirty diapers and piles of laundry and spit-up and bottles and those first few months that he had everyone up at all hours getting him adjusted to life. In those toddler years and tantrums and storytime and Cheerios and family traditions and dinners and first birthdays. In sandboxes and at the park and on the front room floor with dinosaurs. And seeing Camille as a mom – of a baby. And Hank as a dad in a different way. Him with a baby and a toddler. Him as a daddy and not just "dad" or "Hank". And Camille as a "mommy".

That having that experience. It was another thing Camille had given her. That Hank had too. That the caring and caring for her little baby brother as she finished her teens and entered her twenties and tried to figure out how she fit not just into the family but into life and the world and Chicago. That they'd shown her that she wasn't her mother. That she wouldn't be her mother. That she'd be better than her mother. That she knew how to be kind and caring and sacrificing. That she understood how to give up things she wanted to do and to make judgments on where her time was needed. To be unselfish in her time and herself. To be able to make someone else important than you. To see that. To recognize it. And to act on it – even on the days or hours you didn't particularly want to.

When you were tired or distracted or hurting. When you were coming home from a long day of work or a longer shift having dealt with God knows what. When you just wanted alone time. Or to bury yourself in television or alcohol or a book. Or to look yourself away in your room and to just try to sleep it all off – even when you knew you wouldn't sleep. That you didn't. You put it aside. To make the dinner and do the laundry and tidy the house and work on the homework and to read stories and to play dinosaurs and to watch some fucking ridiculous show on TV and to help with bathtime and teeth brushing and getting into pajamas and tucking the kids in and doing lights-out.

Because that was the fundamentals of parenting – being there. Being present. Being available. Even on the days you didn't want to be or thought you couldn't be. And somehow – being there … even when it was hard and you had to push through … it usually made things better. In some ways. These little people … family … they gave a different kind of purpose and reason. That did make it all worth sacrificing for.

But Erin hadn't known – hadn't been able to see – that that was some lesson they were trying to teach her then. Maybe they weren't. Maybe they were just exposing her to the necessary reality of the family they'd created. And she was just a cog in it. But whatever it was … she had learned lessons. It was just she hadn't fully realized she'd learned them until years later. Until now.

And as much as she knew … her and Jay weren't ready for the pregnancy they had a year ago. That if they'd still been pregnant that summer and that fall … it would've added more stress to a situation that was already … disastrously stressful. That it wouldn't have been good for her and it wouldn't have been good for the baby. And she couldn't even begin to wrap her head around how she would've felt about or coped or reconciled with Hank or dealt with Ethan or tried to reason with Olive and kept the family she had from falling apart if she was pregnant. That pregnant then. She wasn't sure she could. Or she would've. Or how she would've managed. And what implications that would've had for the family she did have. Or was a part of.

So she knew … the miscarriage. It happened for a reason. It wasn't the right time. But still … with Henry … with Ethan … with twelve months later … she felt herself wondering more. Feeling about it more. Wanting to explore it more. Because Jay did too. And Henry babbling at her and talking to her and being a cranky, busy, smiling, bubbly, silly, bright almost Terrible Two – gazing at her with Olive's eyes but with Justin's ears and Camille's complexion and Hank's jaw and so much of the little attributes and personality quirks that she remembered in Eth as a baby … she couldn't help but think about that five-month-old baby that wasn't there and never would be. And what he might look like with Jay's eyes and her dimples and if Jay's hope that their kid's wouldn't end up gingers would play out even though she thought a little gingered boy would be pretty cute and that he'd likely darken up like his dad with time and age – not like his Uncle Will. And just who's ears and nose and complexion he'd get. And how she knew that Hank would tell her right away who's ears the baby had – because he'd hold them and do that stroking on the ears and the bridge of the nose that he was convinced was the sure fire way to calm any kid in his family. And just how nature versus nurture would work. If he'd be a Voight. And Hank would be right. His methods would work. Or a Halstead. Or a Lindsay … Fletcher.

But that wasn't the reality they lived in. The reality they had was … fractured. And it included caring for her little nephew and trying to figure out what the hell her once cute baby brother needed from her – now that he wasn't a baby anymore. And now that maybe she didn't know how to take care of or help or save kids his age. Not really.

"And you're going to put on your pajamas," she instructed. "It's almost lights-out."

"You aren't my mom," he grumbled. "Stop acting like it."

She shook her head at him harder – her annoyance and impatience rearing - and tugged the blanket down a bit more firmly. "You're right," she told him. "I'm not. And, you know what, Eth? Most days I'd really like it if I could just be your big sister. But I'm not just that either, am I?"

"I don't know what you are," Ethan said flatly. She couldn't decide if it was tone in there or if it was complete defeat.

"I'm an adult in your life," she told him. "I take responsibility in helping take care of you. And I love you."

"No you don't," Ethan sulked even more.

"Don't get stupid on me, Ethan," she put firmly.

She wanted to be there for him. But she just … was not in the headspace to do the teen-aged games things. She didn't have the patience. She was thinking about a little more pressing things when it came to teenagers. Like the ones in Harvey. The ones in gangs. The ones in foster homes. The ones going off to juvie – or worse. The ones who had hits on their heads – and their brains blown-out against walls in some foreclosed dump. The ones with no where to go and no one to love them. And the ones that got mixed up in all the wrong business – even if the had moms who loved them. And the moms who got left behind without their little boy – because some cop had shot him dead in the street. And he'd bled out on the ground – alone – with a bullet in his throat.

But her brother gave her a little glance – a cautious one, maybe a hurt one. "Well, you never say it," he said.

"Say what?" she sighed at him in complete exasperation. Maybe she should've gone to the game.

"That you love me," Eth said.

She glared at him but let it often into a stare. Briefly. Because … maybe she didn't say it enough? Maybe she didn't say it at all? Maybe she expected him to just … know? That they weren't an overtly gushy family. That they showed affection and love in different ways. That that word 'love' it got used prudently. But she knew that … since Justin … Hank had been making a habit of saying it to Ethan more. She actually thought that he was likely saying it to his son every day. Like it would somehow fix things. Or at least … Ethan would know? If something happened?

But Erin knew she didn't say it to Ethan daily. She wasn't. And maybe she should say it more? Because maybe hearing it – over and over and over again – was enough to stop what happened the other day? Even though she knew that was wishful thinking. It wasn't how it worked. It wasn't reality.

"Ethan, I don't do the things I do for you just because," she said. "I do them because I care about you. Because I love you. So, do us both a favor – acknowledge that reality we live in, and listen when I'm telling you to do something that's for your own good."

"Stop that too," Ethan demanded – his temper and tone rising again on whatever rollercoaster it was he was trying to force them both to ride that night - and jerked away again. She let him that time. But let the stare harden back to a glare. "Don't treat me like a little kid."

"Then stop acting like one," she ordered. "You're almost fourteen. You know the basics of managing your tremor. You know you don't sleep in your clothes. Your uniform. And you know what time lights-out is. So get up – and start taking care of those things."

"So I'm supposed to be going to bed but you want me to get up," he muttered.

"Don't be a smart-ass," she warned.

He rocked his shoulder more – trying to hide from her. She let out some annoyance at him, shaking her head and staring at the opposite wall in his room. Scanning it. Taking in what had changed in there and what hadn't. The room that Eth had worked on claiming as his own since he'd been home and his brother had officially flown the next had spent the past ten months working at turning back into some sort of museum to Justin.

While Hank was trying to make the house less of a shrine to Camille, Ethan was working at turning at least the bedroom into a shrine to Justin. So many of Justin's little knick-knacks had found their way back into the room – taking up space on the walls and the bookshelves. And she hated it. It reminded her of her brother from long ago – before Ethan was even born.

It took away from the person Ethan was. And she was sure it did nothing for Hank having to walk into that space every day or night to rouse his son. And it likely only added to why Olive was still reluctant to spend time in the house and pretty much did everything within her power to avoid having to go upstairs and walk passed that open door to get to the bathroom.

Hank should start letting that door be closed. For all their sakes.

"Ethan," she allowed – forcing herself to not get too short with him just yet, forcing herself to try again to rest her hand against his leg to offer him some sort of comfort, and forcing herself to give him another moment to compose himself too while she stared at the shelf that was collecting junk that didn't bear any resemblance to her baby brother, "I know something is bothering you. I know that you're upset with me – or you're taking whatever you're upset about out on me. But unless you talk to me, we aren't going to resolve either of those things."

"I'm mad because you're treating me like a little kid. You still are. Even now," he mumbled.

She turned slightly and gazed at his back. "I don't know what I'm doing today that is any different from any other day. I try to treat you your age, but yes, I do treat you like my little brother."

"Then you should let me do things my age," he hissed.

She shrugged at him. "Okay," she allowed. "I still don't know what I did today that wasn't treating you your age."

"Lego. Star Wars," he put flatly – and like she was the one being incredibly stupid and completely unreasonable.

But instead she drilled more holes into him. "Ethan, seriously?" she pressed. That shoulder got tucked up higher – he clearly knew he'd just said something ridiculous. "Ethan, I would've gladly not wasted my time, gas or money driving over to Michigan Ave on a weeknight. You know why I did? Why Jay did? Because YOU have been talking about Star Wars Day and the build at the Lego store for weeks. That was us trying to be nice – and trying to accommodate your interests and something YOU wanted to do."

"Well, then maybe you be the big sister and not let me do things that are for grade schoolers," he mumbled. "For little kids. Babies."

She made and amused noise and shook her head. And then she reached and yanked the blanket farther down from him and grabbed his bicep to turn him to face her.

"Okay," she nodded at him. "Then Ethan, stop acting like a baby. Get up. Get changed. Put on your gloves and socks. And then get back under that blanket and turn off your lights."

"How can I turn off the lights if I'm under the blanket?" he snarked at her.

She kept his eyes. "Do not be a smart-ass," she warned again. That time it was much firmer. Because if Hank thought Henry had been cruisin' earlier that night – Ethan was really lucky his dad was at the game. Because Eth was more than just cruisin' – he was trying to find the acceleration button to punch at to get them both there a whole lot faster. Make them a whole lot madder at each other when she didn't even know what they were mad about. But she had a pretty good idea why she was going to be slightly pissed soon.

"Lights-out is when Dad gets home. He'll turn them out," Ethan said – just a touch more cautiously.

Erin shook her head at him – keeping his eyes. "No," she said. "He will not. Because he's out. We don't know when he'll get home. And it's almost lights-out. And it's pretty clear you need your rest."

"He didn't even come up and say he was going," Eth muttered and rolled away more, going back to staring at the wall and petting his dog. "He didn't even come talk to me when we got home."

"And you didn't go talk to him," she pressed at him. "And you know how he feels about you coming and going from the house without checking in."

"You went and talked to him," Ethan muttered. "He knew we were home."

"He did," she acknowledged. "And you could've – you should've - walked into the kitchen and said 'hi' and told him about your day and maybe explain to him why we didn't go do what we had planned."

"So he didn't come say 'bye' because he was mad …," Ethan concluded.

"No," Erin said. "He could tell you were in a mood. I told him you were in a mood—"

"I'm not in a mood …," was provided in weak protest.

"Could've fooled me," Erin said. "Pout-Pout Fish."

"It's not funny when Dad says it and it's even lamer when you say it," he grumbled.

She shrugged. "Well, Eth, it's what you look like tonight. And, some days none of us really feel like dealing with you when you're like this. Some days we all have had long, rough days too and have a lot on our minds – and coming home and trying to guess what is wrong with you or what happened that day that has you upset, isn't exactly how we want to spend our evening."

"So he just left," Eth said.

"He didn't just leave," she pressed back at him. "I told you. Jay had tickets to the hockey game. They had to leave right away to get there for the puck drop."

"He could've said so himself," Eth said.

Erin shrugged. "He could've. Maybe he should've. But he didn't. Just like you didn't go in and say 'hi' to him when we got home."

"So he was mad …" Ethan concluded again.

"No," Erin said more firmly and reached to tug at his shoulder and make him look at her. "He was distracted – with Henry and dinner and the kind of week we've had a work. And Jay told him about the tickets last minute. He wanted to get going. He didn't want to miss the window of opportunity."

Ethan squirreled a bit in the bed. "But it was supposed to be a special night …" he said.

"What's so special about it, Ethan?"

"It's May the Fourth …," he offered weakly.

"And you bailed out of the May the Fourth plans you had with me and Jay. And just told me that Star Wars is for grade schoolers and babies," she put back to him.

"It is …," he mumbled but stared straight ahead. His arms crossing over his chest – as well as he could. His whole left arm was just bouncing. It was hard for her to look at.

When he was tremoring like that it scared her. It felt like a flare was on the way. New lesions in his brain or spine. That the medial trial wasn't working. That the M.S. was progressing again. And if it wasn't a flare, than his stress and anxiety were through the roof and it was having physical manifestations. But whatever it was – it was clear that his tremor medication wasn't calming it at all that night.

"Then you really aren't making much sense, Ethan," she said.

He cast her a look. Or at least some side-eye. "We were supposed to watch Star Wars tonight," he said.

She shrugged. "Okay. You're talking in circles. But I would've been happy to watch Star Wars with you. But you decided to sulk up here all night. So, you missed your window of opportunity."

"Me and Dad," he said. "Not you."

But Erin just shrugged at him again. "Well, it's me who's here tonight. Your dad gets to do things and have special nights that don't include you. Believe it or not, Ethan, you aren't the center of the universe."

Eth stared at the ceiling. "Why didn't Jay take me?"

He clearly hadn't heard, hadn't listened or just didn't believe that all things didn't lead back to him. That maybe they put him a little bit too much at the center of their lives and maybe he'd come to expect too much out of that. Or maybe he was just being a teenaged brat. He was upset and hurting, and he was lashing out with nonsense rather than trying to express anything that held any sort of weight or made any sort of logical sense. It was all just verbal diarrhea at this point.

"Because you don't really like hockey—"

"Yes, I do," Eth interrupted.

She reached and nudged his chin toward her – so she could see his eyes and she shook her head at him. "No you don't," she said. "Not like your dad. Not like Jay. And you flaked on our plans for the evening. You said you weren't feeling well. And maybe Jay didn't really feel like playing the teen-aged moodiness mind games in trying to figure out what's wrong either. He didn't have time for that and to get to go to the game – which is something he wanted to do."

"But it would've been a cool thing to do for May the Fourth …" Ethan said. "To tell people I did. Not like Lego."

She let out a slow breath – somewhere between relief and annoyance - and stared at him. She gave him a little nod, presenting her hypothesis, that she suspected was more than that. A deduction of what was triggering this … whatever … tween tantrum. "You told someone we were going to the Star Wars build at the Lego store? And they made fun of you?"

He just gave a little shrug.

She shook her head at him. "Ethan …," she sighed. "You've got to stop caring what other kids think so much."

"Stuff they say matters," he said. "They say it and then other people say it and then everyone says it."

"And that doesn't make what their saying any less of the bullshit it is, Ethan," she pressed at him.

His body language slouched in on itself again. Him trying not to acknowledge what she was saying when he knew what she was saying was absolutely true. But no one is allowed to be right when you're thirteen … fourteen. No one knows shit when you're that age.

"Look at when we've gone to the Star Wars movies," she said. "I've seen a lot of kids your age. And older. At Disney – it was all different age groups, right? Eva. Her brothers. They like it. Jay still likes to watch Star Wars. He still likes going to the Lego store with you."

"Because he has to. Because of you," Ethan muttered.

She shook her head. "Ethan, don't start tossing around your own bullshit. You know that's not true. And you saying that just … devalues everything he's done for you. All the time he puts in with you. Not me. Or for me. With you – and for you. Because he cares about you. And he looks forward to building those stupid sets with you. He's in his thirties. There is not some requirement that he spend time with my little brother. And there is not some age expiration date on Star Wars or Lego. Just … do what makes you happy."

"People crapping on me does not make me happy," he said with a small flicker in his eyes. That palpable sadness that she hated seeing in him.

"Then you've got to learn how to rank these people in order of importance in terms of what they think and why you should even care, Ethan," she said. "And I'm telling you – most of these people at Iggy's are not going to matter in your life. Don't waste your energy caring about what they think or what they say."

"Easy for you to say …" he muttered under his breath.

"No, Ethan," she pressed at him. "It's not. But I know – from experience - that after you get through high school you're never going to have to deal with most of these people ever again. So stop giving a shit about what they say. It's not worth it."

"It's not that easy. And you aren't the one who has to go there," he muttered at her and diverted his eyes again. "Every day."

"But I did. And I survived it, Ethan, and so can you."

She was still working – actively – to convince herself of that. Because she wasn't sure – she knew – it wasn't going to be as cut and dry for Ethan as it was for her. Because it never is. It hadn't been then. And it wouldn't be now. It'd been a slog for her. It'd been a slog for Justin. And there'd been a whole lot of rough patches and loneliness for both of them.

She acknowledged that both in her and Justin, it'd ultimately resulted in some acting out and poor choices in their own ways. They'd tested Hank and Camille – and their patience and their abilities as parents. Academically, socially, mentally and emotionally. They'd both made sure that they had their hands full – when their hands were just getting fuller with more kids on the scene. And with bigger kids – bigger problems.

But her and Justin survived. They'd pulled through despite the bullshit of the school and the bullshit they created for themselves. And she was just going to have to be committed to making sure that the same played true for Eth. It was the only acceptable outcome.

"It's not the same …," he muttered.

And she'd give him that. It wasn't. At all. Society had changed. The way kids interacted and treated each other – and how – had changed. Iggy's had changed. Chicago had changed. Their family had changed. And Ethan wasn't her and he wasn't Justin. And he wasn't going to be like his Dad either. He was his own person. Going through his own experience. And needing to find his own way in life with the hand he'd been handed. But focusing on the shit hand was not the way they could look at it. It wasn't how they'd manage to pull through it.

"Okay, Ethan," she managed after a long beat. "It's not. But here's another reality check … maybe you aren't going to have friends at Iggy's."

His eyes did meet hers at that. There was a near shock in them that she'd actually said that – been upfront with him about that reality that she'd come to accept, even if maybe Hank or Ethan hadn't yet. But the momentary shock faded in the sad acknowledgement that he knew that was true. That he likely had since his first week at St. Ignatius.

"I know you want friends. I know your dad wants you to have friends there. But it's a hard school to make friends at," she tried to lessen the blow. "Because – yes, our family is from different economic circumstances than a lot of the kids there. And, yes, you've got a visible disability and your IEP is going to make your experience even more challenging than what me or your brother went through."

"This is not a very good pep talk …," he squinted at her.

She just raised her eyebrow at that. "So you've got to keep up with the things outside of school that interest you," she told him.

It was as peppy as she could get in trying to find a solution to anything her brother was going through. It was the reality she'd managed to accept for him. It was where she was going to be a cheerleader for him. Because cheering him on at Ignatius was just going to be a waste of all their breathes. And none of them had the time or energy for that. It was what she decided. They needed to spend their time and energy when it came to Ignatius on other things – like getting him through academically and trying to protect him from at least the brunt of the assholes at the school. That was going to be hard enough without finding him a "place" in that school or a friend group or social group. They were going to have to help him find that other places. Nurture it in other places that made more sense for him. For their family. For their circumstances. For Ethan's interests and personalities and life experiences. For all of theirs.

"You've got RIC. You've got baseball. You've got Museum Club. Dinosaurs, biology, geography, geology, space, astronomy, robots, circuitry, programming. You're good at all that. You're so smart about it. You like it. And you've got to keep doing things where you're going to meet other people who have similar interests and life experiences as you."

"And just be the loner that everyone is always shitting on at school …," Ethan said.

"Maybe," she acknowledged. "But there's going to be more clubs and activities you can join in high school. You aren't going to be the youngest person on Robotics anymore—"

"I'm not doing Robotics anymore," Ethan interjected harshly. "I don't need to be the loser who is also the Robo Nerd. They already call me that."

"Then maybe you shouldn't care so much if they are already calling you that," she presented. Because he was good at that stuff. She didn't understand it all but she knew he was good at it. And if Ignatius wasn't going to nurture that – or Ethan was gong to cut himself off from it – they were going to have to find another way to keep him engaged and interested. To keep that door open. Because with Eth they needed to keep as many doors open as possible.

You needed to with all kids. You had to. You had to try. Because when the doors started closing. When they started to feel hopeless and trapped – that's when they started turning to other options. Shittier options. Things that were only going to make their lives and their situations worse. Eventually. When it caught up to them. And for all of them it was only going to be a matter of time.

It'd happened to her. It'd happened to Teddy. It happened to Justin. It happened to Olive.

It happened to the boys running those errands. The ones robbing banks. The ones dead. That were off to juvie. That she'd shot. And arrested. And spun their lives out even more than save them. Because they hadn't had someone help them. And she hadn't gotten to them in time. To protect them and turn their lives around. And to try to help them understand there were other – better – options for them. No one had done that for them.

But someone – the all were – doing that for Ethan. Because as fucked as they were – he was from a good family. And he had a future. And all the doors possible that they could keep wedged open – were going to be held open waiting for him to decide which one to take. He wasn't going to be some kid dead in the street or alone in a flop house or in a bathtub with his wrists slit open or in a trunk of a car with a bullet in his skull. Ethan had more – a better life – to look forward to than that.

But he just sighed at her harder and flopped away, but she again tugged at his shoulder to get his eyes. "Eth, you've got to look at high school this way - as only four years of your life."

"Exactly!" he spat at her. "FOUR YEARS! And it's four years plus now. Four years plus last year and four years plus boarding school. And four years plus always!"

That hurt. It hurt to know that he was hurting so much right now that he felt like it had always hurt. That it always would hurt. And it made her again wonder how different things would've been if Camille was there. If he'd just gone to elementary school in the neighborhood. And had his mom. And his brother. And what his life – their family – would've looked like if things had happened differently. But that wasn't something they were ever going to know. Not ever. And there was nothing she could do about that now. Beyond keep on trying to deal with the present. Keep on trying for him. For Camille. Because Camille had tried for her. Had sacrificed for her. Had been loving and caring and giving – even in moments and situations she didn't want to be. Even in a family she hadn't expected. And Erin reminded herself to do the same. That out of all she owed the Voights – owed Camille – she owed that much. That Ethan wasn't going to be another sad story for the family. He wasn't going to be another loss.

"I know that sounds like a long time right now," she said. "But it's not. And it's going to be over faster than you think."

"No it's not," he told her.

"It is, Ethan," she assured.

Because she had to. Because she knew how long high school — and childhood and teens — could feel. How long life at Iggy's could feel.

Because she knew how watching that fucking Netflix series — even when she did the adult thing and weighed Hollywood depictions and what sold to advertisers and viewers against actual reality — was reminding her over and over again just how long high school could feel. How hopeless it could feel. How hurtful and alone it could seem. And just how easy it was to feel like you didn't have support. And like it was never going to be over — what you were going through. And like it wasn't going to get better. That you'd never fit in. Not in that life. And you were always going to get crapped on. Because did it ever really get better? Or did it only actually get different?

But even high school … at Iggy's … it was better than running the streets. Than being dead in the streets. And that could've been her. That was four boys not much older than Ethan that week. Just four that her unit had dealt with. She was sure if she called up ComStat she'd get a more harrowing figure of just how many teenaged kids had died in the streets of Chicago that week. From drugs, from dungs, from gangs. From neglect and abuse and piss poor parenting and just bad families.

But they weren't a bad family. They weren't.

And they wouldn't be some story like from that fucking series where they let kids be assholes and acted like it was just kids being kids. They wouldn't be that blind. And they wouldn't let Ethan just carry the weight of school and life and his challenges and his past history all on his own. Until it was too late.

Because he was better than the outcome of that fucking show. He had more to look forward to. No matter what he thought.

And because high school was … only … four … long … years.

She added: "I really want you to know – to remember that high school is different than middle school. Iggy's hands out a lot more scholarships and bursaries and subsidies for its high school program than it does for middle school. Okay?"

He just shrugged at her.

"Eth, you know that's true. Look at Eva."

"Whadda 'bout her?" he muttered.

And there was a lot about her. Because she had her own baggage. She came from her own challenges. And Iggy's wasn't going to be easy for her either. Even if she was excited about it. Even if her family saw it was an opportunity for her future. And it was. But it was going to be hard for her. Erin knew that – no matter how hopeful and optimistic she was trying to be for the girl. No matter how glad she was that Eth was going to have her there too. No matter how much she hoped that Eva stuck with Ethan as much as she knew Eth was going to want to stick out the next four years with her.

"It's not just going to be Eva who's new to Iggy's in the fall," was what she said, though. "There's going to be a whole bunch of freshman brand new to Iggy's."

"So …" he grumbled more.

"So, right now, you're a legacy kid. Next year, you're going to be in a group of other kids who aren't there because of who their parents are or how much their parents make. And maybe some of those other scholarship, bursary and subsidy kids will try to make friends with the other kids at Iggy's. Maybe some of them even will. But a lot of them are going to find the same thing you've already learned. That me and Justin learned. That they don't quite fit in and aren't accepted into the fold."

"So what …?" he muttered.

"So, give it some time, and you guys are going to learn to band together – even if it is just to sit together in class or at lunch or between bells. Even if you have nothing in common outside of Iggy's – you're going to have that and you aren't going to go through the experience alone."

"And none of them are going to want to be friends with the person who's already getting crapped on. Shit rolls downhill. And they aren't going to want to get shit on. For being friends with me. So they will leave me alone. Even if they're nice – they'll just … keep away from me. It's what people do," he said.

She stared at him. Because she knew he had a point. She knew how it worked. She understood the bystander affect. She'd experienced it in her life. She knew Jay had too. And she knew it could be very lonely and very isolating. And just a fucking tough slog. Especially in a school like Iggy's.

But she wasn't going to tell Eth that. Not right now. She wasn't going to confirm his apprehensions. She was going to keep hoping that something happened that would make his experience better than hers and Justin's. Or at least that high school would somehow be better for him than middle school.

"In the very least you're going to have Eva," she tried.

And she hoped it was true. That it wasn't just true the first week of school. Or freshman year. That it was true right up until senior prom and graduation. And maybe even true for years after that. That they'd both get through it. Through high school and illness and disability and life. Together. Somehow. They'd pull and tug and carry each other through.

"Eva's not going to want to be friends with me…," Ethan said. His tone was even weaker than before.

"Why wouldn't she want to be friends?" Erin put back to him.

Because it hurt knowing that maybe he'd already figured out on his own that being friends with Eva at RIC and at ball and one the weekends they got together to hangout was going to be different than seeing each other every day at Ignatius. Than having classes together. Than trying to find their place and direct their futures and figure themselves out and make friends and having their own interests and activities and goals. And that maybe the puzzle wouldn't fit together quite as well with all the new dynamics and pressures that came with high school.

But she had to hope otherwise. She had to hope for more. Because those two had created quite the little bond. They seemed pretty attached at the hip any time they had the chance to be together. And they were sort of cute in their crushing but trying not to be crushing interactions. And, though, Erin had only seen them together a few times since they got home from their trip, she also hadn't gotten any sense that anything was wrong with their little friendship. Not yet. Not now. And she didn't think there had been some sort of fight or something. But she also knew that friendship dynamics at that age could be strange and could turn on the time.

"Because she's not gonna wanna be friends with a fag …," Ethan near whispered, his eyes back on the ceiling.

"Don't use that word," was the first thing Erin got out. Near immediately. But then she just stared at him trying to figure out how to respond to that and the best thing she could come up with – that sounded so stupid and weak – was, "I don't think you're gay, Ethan."

"I'M NOT!" he spat at her – like she'd just said something completely stupid. Because she had. But it'd taken her off guard. She hadn't considered having that conversation with him that night. Or ever. Because she thought she had a pretty good gaydar and Eth wasn't on it. At all. She would've noticed. She would've known. She'd been there since the day he was born. He was her baby brother. She'd helped raise him.

"Okay …," she allowed, "But just so you know … I don't think me or your dad—"

"I'M NOT," he near screamed at her again.

"I know," she acknowledged. "I know you're not gay. But I just want you to know that me and your dad—"

"I'M NOT," he seethed. "And don't even say he wouldn't care. Dad totally would. And I'm NOT!"

She shook her head. "Ethan, I know maybe your dad can seem pretty old fashioned and conservative but I'm telling you that no one in this family would care."

"I'm not!" he spat again. "It's just what people are saying!"

"Okay …," she nodded. "But I mean … you don't have to feel like you can't be friends with or have people you care about who are gay. We wouldn't care. None of us. You can be friends. You can care about them. They can come hang out here. This family doesn't judge people on their sexual orientation."

"Dad totally would care and judge …" Ethan muttered.

She shook her head at him. "Ethan, he wouldn't. Your dad deals with all kinds of people. He's seen it all and heard it all. And the only people he really gets upset about are the ones that hurt the people he cares or hurt other people in this city. That's what makes him angry. He doesn't have time to care about whether or not someone is gay. Things like that don't affect him one way or another."

Ethan just stared at her.

She sighed and gave him a little frown. "And if that is something you ever need to talk about … or something is going on anyone else you know … or people are saying things about you at school that aren't true and it's upsetting you … or they're bullying one of your friends and that's making them say stuff about you too … we'd help you get through it. All of us. Jay and Olive too. We wouldn't let you or someone you care about be a target of bullying because of their sexual orientation."

"But you'll all just let everyone say it and tease me and bully me about everything else," Ethan said and buried his head against Bear's.

She reached and squeezed his shoulder. "Ethan, I don't think any of us knew that people had started tossing around that word. You need to tell us these things. And we're really …. We're trying to get the school to be more responsive to some of the bullying that's going on. Not just to you. Within the whole school community. But to help us do that … you need to tell us – and the office when it's happening. You need to give us names of the kids. Because if the school's not going to do anything about it – me and Dad … we will go to their parents."

"Then I'm a narc …" he said.

"Eth …," she sighed. "It's not … snitching. It's … like being one of me and Dad's CIs. It's taking care of your best interests."

"And Dad says I'm supposed to be learning to take care of things on my own," Eth muttered. "But I'm not allowed to fight. I'll get kicked out. He'll send me away. Again."

"Ethan," Erin pressed at him harder. "That is not what will happen. That was before. This is now. Dad is not sending you anywhere. I wouldn't let Dad send you anywhere. We all made mistakes then. We're fixing them. And what Dad says is that you tell him the truth."

"None of you want to know how bad it all sucks there," Ethan seethed. "I hate it."

"We do want to know that," she argued. "We want to know how you're doing. We want to help try to make it better. But you need to tell us. You need to talk to us. It's not snitching. It's protecting other kids too - now. And kids who come after you. Or the ones too scared to go to the office or tell their parents too. You don't want to go through the rest of your time at Ignatius with them giving you this kind of shit."

He just shrugged at her again. And all she could think about was how bullying at gone on when he was up at boarding school. How it was only recently through little things he said that they were getting glimpses of exactly how bad it was. And they'd missed it. They hadn't seen it. They hadn't seen what it was doing to him. They didn't see how the stress of the whole situation was sending his M.S. flaring. They didn't even see the signs of the M.S. until it was too late. But that was then. And this was now. And he was right in front of them. And they weren't allowed to miss the signs. Any of them. They shouldn't have in the first place.

"You're shaking so bad. I can see your anxiety is through the roof. That sends my anxiety through the roof too. It makes me worried. Your dad. Jay. All of us."

"Everyone at school is sayin'," he said. "They all are."

She squinted at him – trying to process that. Trying to understand where it was coming from. Trying to accept the stigma that had now been attached to him – even in 2017 – that the kids at that school had decided to layer onto the physically mutilated, disabled, chronically ill, IEP kid who was also a subsidy student.

"Why are they saying it?" she managed. "Did you say something about Evan—"

But his eyes shot to her in such a way that she stopped. That she tried to read his face. If something had happened between him and Evan. If he hadn't realized that Evan was really … rather effeminate for a kid who was also rather athletic. If Ethan hadn't considered that Evan might be – or was without a doubt – gay. Or if he had, it wasn't something that anyone was supposed to talk about. Not yet. Because maybe Ethan hadn't placed a word on it – or didn't want to because he did understand the stigma that came with it. Because maybe he knew and Evan knew but they knew the kind of bullshit that came with that label – that identity - and they weren't going to bring that upon themselves.

Or maybe Evan hadn't realized or admitted to Ethan that he was. Because maybe he was a little young for that and it wasn't something he wanted to be revealing or getting into either with just looking down the barrel of starting high school either. Not when he had visible scars too. Not when he was a good athlete and seemed to have some sort of future still in sports – where he'd be surrounded by other guys who wouldn't be comfortable with his sexual orientation. Or with his parents getting divorced and his dad the way his dad was if wasn't something he could say out loud even at home yet. If his dad struggled with his kid's relatively minor disability – in the scheme of all the challenges and impairments that kids faced at RIC – Erin wasn't sure how well the guy would react to revelation that his son was also gay. Though, she also thought if Evan's parents didn't realize they were likely in some sort of deep denial. But she supposed a lot of parents get like that too.

"Because I'm not going on the Grade Eight trip," Ethan spat. "They say it's because no one will room with me because no one wants to room with a fag."

Erin stared more. She tried to process more. And then she just shook her head. "You know that's bullshit."

He just shrugged, rubbing his forehead against the top of Bear's head. She reached and tugged at his shoulder again until he tried to avoid her eyes but sort of looked at her.

"You aren't going on the Grade Eight trip because it'd take too much out of you," she pressed at him.

"I'm not tellin' 'em that," he grumbled.

"It's the truth," Erin said even though she recognized the legitimacy of him not wanting – really shouldn't be needing – to disclose the reasons why he wasn't going on the fucking five-day field trip. It was no one's fucking business but their family's – the reasons why he wasn't going. "You'd be exhausted before you even got to D.C. You'd probably be hurting. You aren't comfortable managing your own medication yet. None of us are comfortable with you being that far away on your own."

"There'd be teachers," he said. "And chaperones."

She squinted at him. "But not me. Not Dad. And we didn't think it'd be a good idea. We talked about this."

"No we didn't …," he whispered.

"Yes, we did," she stressed. Because there had been conversations. Maybe they were the same as most conversations with Hank, which really were only so much a conversation as it was an informational presentation of how it was going to be. But Ethan had been there. He'd had the opportunity to pout and participate. "And we decided the Grade Eight trip was really expensive. We weren't comfortable with you going."

"So you and Dad talked and decided," Ethan said. "Not me."

"Ethan …," she sighed at him. "We did talk about this. We decided your dad was going to help us go to Orlando on Spring Break instead. You know this. Daddy paid for your flight. He got us the suite upgrade at the hotel. So you could have your own room. He gave you some spending money. He paid for that nice dinner we had on the pier, OK? The steam pots? That was your dad. Florida was your Grade Eight trip. From all of us."

"It was supposed to be Graduation Trip," he said.

"It was," she stressed. "It was both."

"It's not fair …," he whispered.

But she shook her head at him. "Ethan …," she kept shaking her head and stared across the room. "Don't be like that."

"Like what …" he muttered under his breath.

She felt him look at her and she found his eyes. "Like a fucking self-entitled spoiled brat."

His eyes hardened. "This where you tell me how much it sucked balls to be you again."

She glared at him. "This is where I tell you that by the time I was about your age, I was here. I was home. But do you think me and Justin each had fucking laptops and iPads and smartphones and Xboxs all of our own."

"That's because that stuff barely existed forever ago," he muttered at her.

She pressed her fingered into his shoulder until he caught her eyes again. "No," she said. "It's because those things are expensive and your parents were raising three kids – going to private school – in a barely middle-class family, Ethan. And we sure as hell didn't go one Spring Break Trips or Graduation Trips or Grade Eight Trips to the fucking District of Columbia or trips to Disney World either."

He just flopped his head away from her and stared at the wall. She knew he knew all of this. He just wanted to reframe reality now to try to avoid what he was dealing with in the present. Avoidance. Escapism. Placing blame. Misdirected blame.

"Ethan, me and your dad work really hard to make sure you have this stuff so you aren't dealing with a digital divide at Iggy's too. We are trying our best to help you keep up and to give you the basics so you can try to fit in. You can't have everything. You don't need everything these kids have. And even if you did – we can't afford everything. We do our best. You have a lot more … stuff, privileges that go outside of the rules that me and your brother had growing up."

He just petted his dog. She sighed but scooted forward and put her hand against the side of his head. He let her.

"Me and your dad. Jay. Olive. We all know … things are hard. That you've been through a lot. That you've got a lot to go through. And we're trying to help you through that. We try to give you a little extra when we can to help you through it. So you can have things to look forward to. The Xbox."

"Thought the Xbox was from Santa …" he muttered.

She pressed the heel of her hand slightly into his temple. "Don't be a snot," she warned but left it at that. She kept going with her argument to try to get him to get out of this little moody rut. "And, the Florida trip. That trip was … really special. That was once in a lifetime, Ethan. We worked really hard for us to be able to do that. Me and Jay. We're going to be putting OT checks toward that for a while. And that's okay. Because we wanted to do that for you. With you. And we had a really good time. Me and Jay liked it. We thought you did too. And we liked having that time with you and making those memories with you. And you … being …" she sighed and shook her head, gripping at his shoulder but stroking it with her thumb too. "You being dismissive about it … it hurts. And it makes me … angry."

He gave her a look. An apology and deep sadness was in his eyes. They flickered a bit. "I liked the trip," he offered weakly.

"Okay …," she allowed. "I'm glad. But then, Ethan, you just need to accept those kids are just being assholes," she said. "They're just saying stupid shit. And you don't need to start spouting stupid shit too just because they are."

"But they are saying it and everyone will keep saying it," he muttered. "They were saying it today."

She rubbed her thumb against his temple and he gave her a small glance. "Why were they saying it today?"

"You'll think it's retarded …"

She shook her head. "I don't use that word. So I won't think that."

"Fine," he huffed. "You'll think it's stupid."

"I don't think most things you say are stupid."

"You think me being upset about Star Wars Day is stupid," he said. "You already said. That I'm talking in circles."

She nodded. And she let that sit with her for a moment. She checked herself. She reminded herself – again – that with Eth moodiness wasn't always teen-aged moodiness. It wasn't always a temper tantrum or angst.

That his M.S. gave him brain fog. And that his brain damage made him emotionally volatile and sometimes really confusing to listen to. That he struggled to organize his thoughts and present them in a way that made sense to anyone and didn't just sound like one of his no-filter motors or a discussion that went around and around in circles.

So sometimes you did need to listen harder – even on the nights you really didn't want to. On the nights you wanted to bury yourself in your own thoughts. About other fourteen year old boys. And ways you'd let them down. How you hadn't protected them. How you'd been the one who hurt them. Who let them get killed. That you'd killed them.

But that wasn't who she was going to be with Ethan. It wasn't what she was going to let happen. So she needed to stop and to listen. To read between the lines and try to understand what he was saying and what was happening and what was going on in that head of his. And she needed to try to figure out some way to help him fix it.

"Okay …," she allowed. "So help me understand why we're talking in circles about Star Wars Day, Eth."

He gazed at her. There was pain there. She'd seen it in his eyes when he was sitting in the backseat of the Sierra struggling with whether he was going to get out of the vehicle or not and ultimately deciding that he wasn't going to. But maybe she hadn't read between the lines well enough then. She hadn't stopped to try to really understand it. She'd been pissed off. She'd been buried in her own stuff. And even though she was worried – she hadn't really stopped to consider what might be driving it all. What had happened that would make it so last night they were texting about picking him up after school to take him to the Lego store to that night when he'd stayed in his room all night – giving up something it had seemed he really wanted to do.

"Holly is friends with a guy in the other Grade Eight homeroom …," he said – like that was all she needed to know.

"Okay …," she allowed again and just kept her eyes on him. Because that really wasn't enough of an explanation for her to figure out what the hell was going on either. So she gave him a little nod.

"He came and bugged me when I was waitin' for you guys. He was goin' to Holly's party."

Erin shrugged at him. "Okay … but you and Holly aren't really friends anymore. And your dad wouldn't have wanted you next door without her mom home anyways."

"All the popular kids – the cool kids, everyone – was going. Accept me. And we live next door."

She stared at him again. "Okay … so this kid was giving you a hard time about us having Star Wars Day plans but he was going to a Star Wars Day party?" she tried to wrap her head around these fucking Grade Eight dynamics.

"It was a Lightsaber Party," he spat at her and drew his arms across his chest. "Do you need me to explain what that is too …?" he muttered.

She gazed at him and shook her head. "I'm good," she allowed. "But I really don't think a Lightsaber Party is an actual thing."

He gave her annoyed eyes. "Now you're just going to make a big deal about it just like Dad does about everything. And it's not a big deal." His eyes drifted away from her when he said it, staring at the ceiling.

She stooped slightly to get into his line of sight again. He tried to avoid eye contact. "You think dropping your pants and having someone put your penis in their mouth isn't a big deal?" she put to him firmly.

His pale cheeks flooded with embarrassment. But he defiantly darted his eyes away again. His arms crossed tighter over his chest and Bear cast a nervous look at her over his furry shoulder. "Everyone does it," he muttered.

Before she realized she was even doing it, her hand at darted out and turned his chin so she had his eye contact again. "Not everyone does it," she disclosed – almost inadvertently. "I don't do it. Me and Jay don't do it."

Ethan's face changed. The defiance faded. The embarrassment flooded harder into his cheeks. But she also saw something flicker in his eyes. A relief. He gazed at her. She could see his teen-aged mind processing that. The part of him that wanted to tell her that he'd just been given too much information and demand she leave him alone – for real that time. But there was another part of him that she could tell wanted some sort of more information. A bit more reassurance.

"And it actually really upsets both of us," she put to him firmly but gently, "when you get bratty on us and toss talk about blowjobs at us. It's not something I do for Jay. And it's something that anyone has the right to say they don't want to give or receive. Because, Ethan – it is sex. And like all sex - it is a big deal."

His eyes shifted away from her again – starring at the ceiling. His arms crossed over himself even tighter. "He said I wasn't going cuz I'm either gay or cuz my dick got scraped off just like my ear." His hand went up and touched what was left on it. Her heart broke a bit as he said that and she reached to take it. But he pulled away, putting his hand back to grip at his bicep.

"Ethan … you know … we both know … this whole family knows … that neither of those things are true," she offered.

"It doesn't matter what's true," he said. "It matters that everyone is saying it. And if people are saying it – it's true."

She sighed and gazed at him. Because she knew Ethan's statement was true. That as soon as everyone was saying it – it didn't matter what the facts were anymore. That didn't make it right. But it was true.

And that made her hurt even more. Because she didn't know she could fix that. Gossip and talk and rumor mill in a Catholic middle school and high school? She wasn't sure there was any real fix for that. And looking at her baby brother starring up at the ceiling. It felt like she was letting another teen-aged boy take a bullet and bleed out slowly in front of her. And there was nothing she could do.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: Your readership, comments and reviews are appreciated.**


	35. Uncomfortable Stability

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

 **THIS CHAPTER GOES AFTER WHAT IS CURRENTLY CHAPTER 33 — HIDDEN TRUTHS.**

Erin brought the book down and looked toward the front door as she heard it open and the clatter of Eth and Jay coming in. Jay peaked around the corner into the front room – scoping out his surroundings. Likely not wanting to walk directly into Hank – because even when he was entering the house with her or Ethan, he still said if felt strange to be setting foot into "Voight's house" without the invitation coming from Hank himself.

Though, Erin sort of looked at it anymore as it was a standing invitation. But Jay wouldn't likely see it quite that way unless Hank said something or maybe gave him a key of his own. Which really would just make sense at this point. And for all the other concessions that had been made in trying to redefine and reestablish and adjust whatever their family was or wasn't – she wasn't quite sure why that threshold hadn't been crossed yet.

Though, knowing Hank it likely had to do with trust and privacy. Which was sort of insulting considering how ingrained of part of the family life Jay had become at this point. Which she thought Hank recognized. So it might have more to do with it being "Camille's house". And for all Hank's efforts – his commitment at the holidays and in family therapy – to try to make the house less of a museum and shrine to his wife and more of a home for the living, there were clearly just some ghosts he wasn't ready to let go of yet. Some Erin acknowledged that he never would be. Maybe some that Erin didn't really want him to either.

But she also really didn't think that Camille would care if Jay had a key. If anything, she thought that Camille likely would've been president of the Jay Halstead Appreciation Society. Camille probably would've been at her any time she thought Erin was screwing it up. And she would've been at Hank any time she thought he was being an over-protective, over-bearing pain-in-the-ass and to stop trying to scare one of the good ones away.

Though, Erin also was coming to suspect – after being in a relationship with Jay for a couple years – that Camille also would've given her some firm warnings about just what she was getting into. Erin had come to … hesitantly accept that there were a lot of similarities between Jay and Hank. And sometimes that was … actually, no, she didn't want to think about the fact she was either attracted to or marrying a man that was pretty much her "father".

Though, she didn't doubt that Camille would've had some words about that. And she would've only filtered that so much. Erin would've been given a reality check about it all. All of it. And sometimes Erin did wish Camille was around to give her that reality check.

That advice. About being a friend and partner and spouse and wife and mother to the children of someone like Jay. To someone like Hank. Or even how to be any of those things to any man – and to still be her in there too. How to give up parts of herself while not giving up yourself. How to sacrifice but be true to who you are. To still have your own life and identity and being allowed to have your own wants and needs and dreams and hopes and goals – beyond that of the couple and the family. To know how to push and badger the guy and put them in their place and to not worry about how it might fuck up the relationship. Because it shouldn't fuck up the relationship. Not a real one. And how to be strong and independent while still being in a partnership. How to play all those roles – for yourself and for them and for your family.

It was … too fucking complicated. And even though she'd talked to Hank a minuscule amount about it all, she knew no matter how it was cut, she was still getting a man's perceptive. And a cop's perspective. And the guy who raised hers perspective. Her father – whether she liked it or not. And that was different – it was biased and slanted in a different way – than if she could talk to Camille about any and all of this.

"Hey …," he smiled at her. Still bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. That was likely a good sign that his outing with Eth had gone okay. Or maybe not – since Eth was in the door and clomping up the stairs without so much as a hello.

"Hey?" she called at him. "Ethan."

But he just kept going. Jay glanced behind him at the kid's lack of response but turned to her with a head shake and came into the front room.

"It's okay," he assured. "Bathroom. And he didn't bring his weighted gloves."

Erin rolled her eyes a little. "Oh, then I'm sure that was a fun trip to the Lego build."

Jay made a little noise and sat down on the couch – occupying the cushion she'd just curled her toes around while she read the book. He knocked up the cover a bit and gazed at it. A Handmaid's Tale.

"You getting prepped for us to watch another super enraging series?" he asked.

She allowed him a small smile at that but gazed down at the battered cover. "It's Camille's," she said and gestured off toward the kitchen. "He pulled it out from somewhere. Apparently I should read it."

She had only looked at the publication date to realize that Camille had likely read it around the time she'd had her first miscarriage. That it'd been put into print just a year before Erin was born. And that she'd clearly seen something in the book to make it worth holding onto for all these years. And also based on how worn the paperback was, she'd likely read it far more than once.

She'd wondered a bit about what in the book Camille had related to in that time of her life. What about made her keep it and reread it. And maybe what about it was it one that she hadn't decided to pull off the bookshelf on her own and share with Erin. Though, Erin was only an half-hour or so into the book but knew that the stark sexuality, abuse, suicide and rather explicit scenes depicting the "Ceremony" had likely been the reason it hadn't been handed to her as a teen. The same reasons that Hank didn't want Ethan watching Thirteen Reasons Why at thirteen. Because some times – some things for some kids – are just not something they need to be seeing or reading at that time of their lives. It wasn't about censorship. It was about knowing your kids. And Camille would've known with the kid Erin was when she walked into their house and what she'd gone through and all the therapy they were investing in for her – that handing her that book wasn't bright at fourteen or fifteen or even seventeen.

And, though, she was exposed to Camille's love of reading and books and education and academia – she'd somewhat sneered at aspects of it through her teens. She'd been a pain in the ass. She'd made their relationship hard. She didn't want to sit down for high-brow book-club talks. Sharing ideas and thoughts and discussion with the woman wasn't something that she was ready for. So she'd settled into Harry Potter and Gregory Maguire's Wicked series with Camille. And, she'd fallen even more into Hank's reading patterns. Because you couldn't escape the expectation that you read while living with the Voights.

And if that was so, she'd decided that she was more interested in the choices Hank provided. Back then. So she'd inherited his paperback novels as he finished them. The never-ending pile of mystery and detective and thriller stories that he worked through. Brain-candy. Easy reads. The type of battered pulp fictions that a lot of cops had in their go-bags. The kind that she had in her own and lining her shelves despite Jay making fun of her James Pattersons and Michael Connellys and Gillian Flynns and Lee Childs. Because really – why would you keep books like that? They weren't for prosperity. It wasn't like they were deep or meaningful or things you would ever read again. But maybe it somehow sort of felt like home. Or it'd been something that had been taught to her.

Not that Hank had his collection of junk writing lining the family's book shelves. She was just as sure that beyond the new paperback he received in his stocking or under the tree every year, he just grabbed used ones out of locker rooms or up off break room tables or from between the cushions at the Social Club. And that he was just as likely to toss them back there when he was done with them.

It'd always been Camille's books that filled the shelves in the house. Lots of them. And even though Hank read the brain-candy at work – as a mental break – Erin knew too that he was well read. That all the books that Camille had amassed – he'd read near every one too. And they'd probably talked about them at some point. He probably knew why the Handmaid's Tale was one she'd kept. Because she didn't keep every book she read. They'd have to live in an archives building for that. But Erin hadn't been told what Camille might have thought of the book or why it'd been kept when Hank had handed to her. All she'd gotten was a grunt.

Erin had spent a bit of time trying to put herself in the headspace Camille might've been in at the time. When she was likely twenty-four or twenty-five. When she was just finishing up her education. And she was pregnant and she'd lost the baby. And she was a newly wed. And she was entering a field that was still dominated by men. When women and sciences weren't really scene as something that went together. And when she was starting to spend even more time in labs and out on boats and off in the woods with men than she'd likely had to to get her master's degree.

There could be a lot there that might've drawn her to the feminist literature and its themes and discussion of patriarchy and subjugation. And maybe that's what led to her keeping it and re-reading it over the years and decades since she acquired it. But Erin couldn't help but think that maybe the miscarriage had more to do why she'd picked it up at the time and maybe something she found in it back then. And been drawn more to the messages of hope, individualism and independence of person and identity in an oppressive and depressing reality.

Erin wondered a lot about how Camille had coped with that first miscarriage. She wondered more how you coped with repeated ones. The ones that Hank said they'd gone through. Erin wished she could talk to her about it. Ask her about it.

There was still so much of her that was … just scared that if she got pregnant that she'd miscarry again. And it was hard enough with an unplanned pregnancy. She wasn't sure she could completely wrap her head around how devastating it would be to lose a baby when you were actually trying for one. When you were actively trying to grow your family. She wasn't sure she wanted to try to understand that pain. She was sure she didn't ever want to experience it. And she was so scared she would. And she was scared too that maybe her body just wasn't made for having babies – despite her doctor's assurances otherwise. Or that maybe her and Jay just didn't click the right way for them to bring a baby to term successfully. And how … hurtful … and confusing … that would be in their relationship. If they could maintain a relationship if that was the reality.

She knew she was catastrophizing. And that maybe that meant she still wasn't quite in the spot where she was mentally ready to start trying. Because the stress and anxiety about all of it wouldn't make things any easier. And if she did get pregnant – it certainly wouldn't be good for making it stick or for the baby growing inside of her.

And all of that just made her want to talk to Camille more. To try to get some insight and reassurances. To try to understand if her and Hank stopped trying for all those years between the first miscarriage and Justin because she was scared too? Because she thought she couldn't go through that again too? And then to understand what changed to make them try. And to try for another baby after Justin was born. How they could try for that many years and go through that many miscarriages? How she managed to carry that loss? And just who scared she must've been through her whole pregnancy with Ethan? Even though Erin … she remembered Camille being so calm and casual about it all.

She knew that she could try to find someway to talk to Hank about it. But it was too deep and too personal for where they were quite at yet. And even if she did find it in herself to have a real conversation wit him – it'd again be skewed. Because he was a man. And, though, she knew he'd experienced loss and frustration and sadness and helplessness in it all too. It was different. She already knew that. One miscarriage with Jay was more than enough to know that.

"Should you?" Jay asked, tapping the book up in her lap again, drawing her out of her thoughts.

And she was glad for that. He sat clearly trying to read the back cover synopsis from where he was sitting. She just closed it and handed it to him instead. She wasn't sure she wanted to read anymore that day. Not now that he was there with her.

And he settled the bulking shopping bags he had in his hand – apparently him and Ethan had had a rather successful Birthday Saturday outing – between his feet and gazed at the text.

"I have a feeling most people should read it given our current political circumstances," she muttered.

He cast her a look at that and tapped the book on his knee a bit. "Any good?"

She shrugged. "Guess that depends on what you're judging," she said. "It's an interesting – and disturbing – thirty-year-old commentary. Barely science fiction anymore. Not even sure I'd say it's speculative."

Jay made a little noise again at that and handed the book back to her, but she just settled it into her lap and stared at him.

"You think you're still going to watch the series?" he asked.

And she shrugged. Because even though she'd seen some of the previews and the hype, she thought she needed a bit more time to digest the latest series they binged. She imagined processing Thirteen Reasons Why would take a while – before they dove into some other sad commentary on the society they lived in.

"Think I'm good sticking with Bosch next," she said.

He gave her a little smile at that but restrained himself from again making fun of her for watching the show. Really, if things were a bit better with her and Hank, she'd probably be coming over to sit on his couch and binge the series over a few nights. Not that it was really his kind of TV either – even if he read the books. But he'd sit with her. He'd watch.

Jay just gave her socked toes a little squeeze. "Or could hold off on any further binging until the end of the month," he offered. "House of Cards. Season Five."

She gave him her own little smile at that. Because she wasn't sure how much better the social commentary in House of Cards that season would be given their current political environment. But she also thought that the writers likely had to work hard to come up with a fiction that was more fucked up than the presidential reality in their country. Donald Trump made Frank Underwood look like a puppy dog most days.

But they'd watch it. At least it'd likely be entertaining – rather than the terrifying disgrace they had to read about and watch in the news. And they'd watch too because Jay was such a Kevin Spacey nerd.

She didn't know how many times she'd had to watch Seven and the Usual Suspects with him since being together. She supposed it said a lot about their lives – outside of work and outside of Ethan – that they spent their "free" time or their home time watching so much TV. But in some ways she knew they were both at a point in their lives that going out to the bars just wasn't the best thing for them. In any way. Not on a regular after-work basis. Either that or they were just getting old. And they were paying a mortgage on a house that was theirs. They might as well spend some time in it when they could. They were paying for it.

Paying for it wasn't a bad thing, though. In a lot of ways she thought too that having the house had helped them. Had helped Jay too. There was a calm about him. Even now. And even if trying to do the Lego build with Ethan with him tremoring had been frustrating, Jay still looked level. Impatience and frustration that he did so dismally at hiding wasn't radiating off of him. So his few hours with her little brother clearly hadn't gone that badly. And she was glad for that.

Because her and Jay had had a good morning. A nice one. They were in a stable place. Actually a nicer and stabler place than they'd likely been in in a long time. If ever. And she wanted to keep a hold of that.

"Where's Voight?" Jay asked. Quietly. Like he was just in the kitchen she'd gestured to moments before.

She gestured again. This time a bit farther. "Out back."

Jay nodded and leaned in, claiming a peck of a kiss from her. "Smells amazing outside," he said of the ribs Hank had smoking in the yard. Likely making the whole block jealous. "But in here smells even better."

She smiled at that little compliment. "Because I'm caking you a cake," she said.

Because he'd gone on-and-on about the from scratch chocolate cake his mom made for his and Will's birthdays growing up. On-and-on. And she'd taken the hint. That in the very least she should go out and buy him a chocolate cupcake for his birthday. But then there was the case and her kill shot and all its accompanying paperwork and the headspace she was in with all of that. And she hadn't even remembered to do that.

So she had more than a little to make up for. His birthday had been a bit of a dud – even though she knew he was used to that. And even though she knew he didn't particularly like having a big deal made out of him. But making a cake – even late – shouldn't have been a big deal. It shouldn't have been. It probably wouldn't have been if she used her common sense and just gone to the store and gotten a box of Betty Crocker and canned icing. And she could've had that bad guy done in all of forty-minutes.

But she'd decided to make things complicated. She decided he at least deserved a cake from scratch. And so not long after Jay had left to pick up Ethan, she'd driven over to Hank's too and stood going through Camille's old recipe card box. Which wasn't so much hers as it was a box containing faded and battered cards scrawled with her and Hank's mothers' writing laying out family recipes and traditions to pass down through the generations. And really one that if it was going to survive much long, someone should likely take the time to digitalize. But there was something nice – tangible – about going through that box with those two women's writing on them. Their little notations and simplified short-hand like something should be completely obvious and a given. But sometimes it really wasn't to Erin. But she'd still managed to find what she was looking for. Because the box was still Camille's and all hers – and the family's favorites – were stuffed in the front in the first twenty cards or so. And chocolate cake – that had been Justin's birthday request every year until his grandma died. Because try as she might – Camille just didn't do it right.

Erin was sure she wouldn't do it justice either. And that it wouldn't compare to whatever memories Jay had of the one his mom had made. But she'd tried. And it'd been a bit of an ordeal. Hank didn't exactly have baking supplies in the house. And she'd felt a little clueless going down the aisle too picking up some of the ingredients no matter how simple they were. And she'd still managed to screw up the batter the first time. Or so she thought. It sure didn't look like batter to her. And it hadn't to Hank either. He'd repeatedly told her that it wasn't supposed to look like that. He'd even taken over with the whisking and the stirring until they – or he – had finally concluded she'd fucked up and it was a lost cause. Though, not so much of a loss cause as she'd let her just scrape it into the garbage disposal. No. he still poured the batter into a pan and shoved it into the oven while she tried again. Not that what had come out looked edible at all. Maybe they could feed it to Bear. Or Ruzek.

She was surprised she'd even managed to get it into the oven before Jay and Ethan had returned it'd been such a prolonged disaster. And it still had to come out looking like they could eat it – even though it smelled good – and cool. And for her to figure out how to make icing and to ice the eat so it wasn't a crumbly mess. Something Hank had again pointed out to her she apparently always fucked up when she helped Camille with her own baking attempts as a teen. And really, Erin thought that comment was unnecessary. Because Camille's attempts at icing and decorating cakes were pretty disastrous all on their own. But she tried. And so was Erin. At least Camille's baking usually tasted good even if it looked a bit like a fluorescent dog's breakfast by the time she decorated it or spooned it onto a plate. Erin could hope she'd at least be able to also manage that level of proficiency at thirty-one. It didn't seem like too much to ask. It was probably more than Jay expected anyways.

"Lego, Star Wars, Guardians of the Galaxy, comics, cake and morning sex?" he cocked his eyebrow at her in a tease.

She just raised her own at him. "Lucky guy," she said.

"What kind of day is this?" he put back to her in mock sarcasm.

"Almost like it's your birthday or something."

He just allowed her another quiet smile – the one that gave away that he kind of liked that he was getting a little bit of extra attention that weekend, even if it was a few days after his birthday. And even if he usually acted like he didn't want much attention or special treatment at all. He leaned in though and gave her another little kiss. He lingered a bit longer that time. And she let him – and let her fingers come up and thread through the back of his short hair.

And that was as far as it would go that day. Or afternoon. But it'd gone much farther that morning.

Because he did get his birthday sex. His morning sex that he liked so much and seemed to favor. Even if it was also a few days late. For a birthday lay.

Erin wasn't even really sure that when she'd initiated that morning it had anything to do with giving him a birthday lay anyway. It actually was a little more selfish. That she wanted and needed the closest too after the week and the case and some of their talks with Ethan and her own anxiety and worries about all of it – just all of it - as she tried to process everything that was going on in her life and their life and her family life lately.

So she'd just wanted to grab the opportunity while it was there. Before he tired to get up not to quietly on a Saturday morning they weren't scheduled to go for his run or to the gym or take some of his own me-time and alone-time to try to deal with some of his own issues and thoughts and things that needed to be processed. So she'd made her move. She'd initiated when she'd felt him stirring in the bed next to her. And he'd been more than happy to oblige. Because she thought he needed it too – and not a birthday lay. The closeness and the affection and the comfort and the intimacy too.

It hadn't been spectacular sex. But it hadn't been bad. Just not anything particularly special if they were going to pretend it had actually been his birthday lay. So maybe it was better they didn't. That it'd just been sex. Morning sex. And she wasn't really sure morning sex ever was anywhere near being particularly spectacular - in her books, even if it was nice to wake up to. Even then she usually preferred to start her morning by emptying her bladder and brushing her teeth before there was any kind of sex involved. It was also kind of nice to have the option of going to sleep after sex. So she generally much preferred their evening looks and banter that was really just their foreplay and would ultimate devolve – or evolve – into make-out sessions on the couch and in the kitchen at night as they tried to spool down from their days.

But that morning had still been nice. It had been needed. By both of them. Because it was another one of those weeks that even though they lived together and worked together it'd kind of felt like they were ships passing in the night. They saw each other. But they didn't get to do a lot of talking. And the talking they did hadn't been about real stuff. Important stuff. To them. Things beyond work or the case or Ethan and all the bullshit that was going on with him.

And Erin could tell Jay was happy with his birthday lay too. Or at least that he'd gotten morning sex. Or maybe that she'd been the one to initiate that day. Maybe too happy. Because he'd laid on his side gazing at her after with that silly little boy grin that he got that said he was pretty proud of his performance. Or that he still had some sort of shocked amazement about just how the human bodies worked. Or that he was still surprised that women actually slept with him. That she actually slept with him. Like that was some mind-boggling idea that made him a little giddy. Not that he'd like her using that word. But that smile he got after some of their sessions just said so much. About him. About the man he was. And about the little boy – or the insecure kid or teen – that was still in there somewhere. Because he'd been through a lot. She knew that. Not matter what he said – and didn't say – about all of that. What he didn't say – but how he acted … and reacted – actually said a hell of a lot more than most of the things he said.

Still, the way he'd been looking at her that morning had been different for him. Different behavior. Because usually Jay was up and out of bed doing his clean up faster than she was. And dressed. Him using excuses of hydrating or making up for the calories they'd burnt did little to hide the more likely past trauma that still made him not that comfortable lounging around – staying naked. Vulnerable. Even with her.

But he'd stayed with her that morning. He'd just lay there and smiled. So she'd stayed – there, with him – even though they lay like that for much longer than she normally would too. But she'd smiled back at him until he finally said, "I like having sex with you."

It was so ridiculously awkward and goofy – especially with that grin on his face – that she'd nearly laughed. Though, she was glad she hadn't. That she'd just smiled a little wider and raised her eyebrow at him. And he'd quickly realized how silly what he'd said sounded.

"I like having sex with you too," she put back to him with just a touch of patronizing tone.

The smile had faded a little on his face. He'd fidgeted for a moment.

"I meant … I meant … I just … like … how comfortable it is," he stuttered rather uncharacteristically as he struggled to explain himself.

She'd only reached out and rubbed at his bicep. Because she was only teasing him. Because he didn't need to feel uncomfortable about how it'd come out or his word choice.

"And, I like how comfortable I am with you too," she'd offered.

He'd gazed at her. She could see him turning inward. Reassessing what he'd said and why he'd said it. Doing that little internal self-evaluation and degradation that he seemed to do to himself. Unfairly. Because he'd spent so much of his life feeling like he was held to unfair standards – maybe actually being held at unfair standards – that he now held himself at near impossible standards. And was harder on himself than really anyone could be to him at this point in his life. He had too many walls and too think of shell for much ammunition to get through and penetrate him.

But she didn't want him holing up in that little prison he'd created for himself. That hole that he had had that was likely deeper than hers in its own ways. That he liked to stick his head in and hide in – even if he didn't quite look at it that way. But she wanted to keep seeing that silly little grin on his face and that calm that was radiating off his body. She didn't want him to slam up the walls, and adding bricks and mortar to repair any of the cracks he'd let form. Or the ones she'd been spending years chipping at.

So she just kept rubbing at his bicep while he calmed and centered himself. Moving her hand down his arm to grip at his hand. And he stared at her too until he finally reached and pushed her hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. Until he rested his hand on her head and his fingers played across her cheekbones and his thumb swiped gently at her beauty mark. And they'd lay like that again for what felt like a long time until he started talking again. Until he was really spilling his guts in a way she wasn't used to hearing out of him.

He'd told her that he hadn't meant it "that way". That he meant … that he liked sex but that he didn't particularly like the human or relationship part of it before. Which didn't sound so much like he liked sex to her. But at the same time she understood exactly what he was saying all too well. Because she'd been there too. She'd dealt with those feelings too. The wants and the physical needs and the bad choices and wrong people that came with it just to fulfill that.

He'd said that he'd always felt so awkward and so judged when he'd attempted relationships that spanned more than a few weeks or a couple months. That he'd felt like he was using who he was with. And he usually was on some level. And Erin knew that feeling too. Though, she would say there really hadn't been too many relationships in her life that had lasted more than a couple months ever. And she openly acknowledged that most of the men she'd been with she'd been using to fulfill her own needs on some level.

But he'd said that he didn't feel that way with her – in their relationship. And she understood that too. Because she felt the same. Because they had a real relationship. Her longest relationship. His. And the dynamics and love and sex and everything else that came in that kind of relationship was different than something that only lasted a couple lays or a couple weeks or a couple months. It could be amazing. But it was also a lot of fucking work. It was hard. But there was something about it that was more than worth it. Because it was comfortable – in so many ways – like he said. Even though in other ways it was just as uncomfortable. At times.

Jay said he knew that they had their good sessions and bad sessions. In the bedroom. And Erin knew that was true just as much in their daily lives and routines and quirks and habits. There were good moments and bad moments. There was good and bad in both of them. They weren't perfect.

And Jay acknowledged that too. That they had their hang ups and their baggage. Their likes and dislikes. Their wants and needs. But he didn't feel like he needed to prove himself to her anymore. And she knew even though the conversation had started about the bedroom – they weren't just talking about in the bedroom. And he was right. She felt it too. She trusted him. He trusted her. It didn't mean they didn't hurt each other or frustrate each other. It didn't mean they didn't royally fuck up sometimes. Or just want their space. And it definitely didn't mean they had any clue what they were doing. But there was a pressure off them. With how far they were into this thing –whatever this thing was … life? – it wasn't about proving themselves anymore. It was about staying power. Endurance. Patience. Hard work. And those were things they were both good at. Even when they weren't. Or at least when they didn't want to be.

Jay had said that even with their issues and challenges it all still felt comfortable. And he liked feeling that way. And so did Erin.

He'd fidgeted more as he told her that he hadn't really been in a long enough term relationship before to have ever had sex so regularly or consistently without dry spells and to consistently be with the same person. And he hadn't needed to fidget. Because she knew that about him too. And she didn't care. She liked that about him. But he'd said that what he meant – what he was trying to say – was that he'd never realized how having regular access to sex helped him. Not with just the physical release of tension – but with his emotional and mental stability. And she could understand that too. She'd felt that too. This strange process they were working through had made them closer. And she wasn't sure it was a closeness she would ever feel or experience again. Nor would she really want to with anyone else. She couldn't imagine having it with anyone else.

He'd acknowledged that even though he knew they both still had stuff to work through and that things weren't perfect in the bedroom or their lives or their relationship – that he felt really content and supported and stable. And just close to her in a way he hadn't really known existed. Or maybe hadn't believed existed. And she knew that feeling too. As imperfect as Jay was – as flawed – in a lot of ways she felt he was too good to be true – to her or for her. But it also made her want to work for him – and to keep and build that relationship.

He'd agreed in his base language that he just really liked their relationship. For all the rough patches they had and the ups and downs. That even though he still felt like he didn't really know what exactly they were doing or how to do any of this – love, marriage, family – that he still liked it. Loved it. And loved her. And she'd assured him that she felt the same way. And that she didn't think anyone knew what they were doing. But she thought they had more than a fighting chance. And that they had the persistence to keep slogging through. That they would. Because something this … good or right … it was worth fighting for.

Jay had blabbered on in a way that was so … not him. He was usually so prudent with his words. To the point. And not much of a talker. But he must've needed to talk. He must've been wanting to say it. Or thinking about it a bit.

She wondered what had pushed him over that edge. If it'd been something at work and the caseload they'd had lately. If it'd been some of what was going on with Ethan. If it'd been some of the talks they'd had while watching Thriteen Reasons Why and what it'd dredged up about both of their pasts and youths. And then mixed that into what they saw Ethan going through then too and all their own worries about what high school was going to be like for him. If it'd been some of what was going on with the Will and Nina situation. Or maybe more the Will and Natalie situation. And the dynamic and tension that was creating between the brothers and the own way it was bring up the past. Or maybe it was more their dad's heart and how he was taking ill and how Jay didn't even want to talk about that or visit him or have anything to do with the whole situation. And she knew that was causing its own weight and just making Jay grapple with more shadows from his past that she wasn't sure he was ready to – or wanted to – deal with.

Or maybe the timing might have more to do with them seeing Guardians of the Galaxy the night before. And for a silly, blow-'em-up super hero movie – it'd been a rather heavy and emotional story. One that dealt with what made up family – and it wasn't blood. One that dealt with siblings and all the hurt and trauma and rivalry that came with that. One that dealt with the relationships between fathers and sons and fathers and daughters. And adoption. What's a father and who's a Daddy. And it'd been a whole overall discussion of varying levels of trauma and abandonment and trying to find your place and survive in a pretty cruel galaxy.

It might've been light viewing. But it also wasn't. Ethan had come out of it telling her that not only was she Gamora now – she was Gamora with a heavy side of Star Lord. And he had a point. He'd also absorbed that her and Jay had been "pathetic" enough to find each other. Which, within the conjecture of the film and in actual reality, was a fair point too.

But she thought the movie had affected them all. She hadn't known that a fucking Marvel movie could elicit that much emotion. Could hit at emotional cores and realities so accurately – at least for them. For all of them. And Ethan – who'd originally had intended to sleepover at their place had said he wanted to go home. And Erin had walked him in and watched him go and hug Hank near immediately. His Yondu. Or maybe more accurately – hers. And the stark reality that she could see – she knew … at her core – that Hank's end … for her … for any of his kids … might be similar. Right up until the wheels fell off. And he'd carry them right through – to as much safety as he could – while they did. And he'd given her a strange look at Eth's hug and an even stranger one when she'd taken a good night hug before taking her leave too.

Her and Jay hadn't talked about the movie when they got home. Not really. Except to agree they'd both really liked it. That she liked it far more than the first one she'd been forced to watch so many times. And that the music had been fun too. They'd looked up the soundtrack and flipped through Hank and Camille's old records they'd inherited to see what they had. Some. But Jay had still gone ahead and downloaded the fucking movie soundtrack anyway. And they'd just not talked. They'd lay there on the couch, listening to the music and watching sports highlights on mute. Just sharing space.

But she was glad for it. Glad that Ethan had wanted to go home to his dad. That maybe whatever he saw in the movie had made him talk a bit to his dad. And that maybe it was the straw that broke the camels back in everything they had going on in getting Jay to decide he wanted to talk now.

Because he kept going. He said too that even though he knew the townhouse wasn't perfect and wasn't their ideal situation or location – that he loved having it too. Having their own place. Making it theirs. That that provided stability too. And he was right. It did. In a way that was different than the condo. Because this was theirs. They were in it together. And it wasn't a crash pad. It was home.

He'd said that he loved their front room and their music set up. And so did she. And he loved their kitchen island. And she thought he more meant he loved the height of the kitchen island – for when they were fooling around – but she didn't correct him. Though maybe she should've. It probably would've gotten that little twinkle in his eyes again.

He said he loved the basement "family room", he called it, with his big TV. That he loved how bright their bedroom was and that the closet was big enough for them both to have their own space. And that he loved their walk-in shower in the master suite. Even though it didn't have dual power jet-head sprays.

That he loved the patio terrace on their rooftop and he couldn't wait to really start getting the grill going on a regular basis. And he'd given her a little look like she was again going to give him a little jab about that grill being her birthday present. But she didn't. Because she was looking forward to their time up on the roof too. And having some people over … Kim, Will, Nina … or maybe Natalie? … and maybe Annie and Travis too. And, obviously, Hank and Ethan and Olive and Henry. And even when they didn't have people over – being able to sit up there after a long shift with beer and tunes in the summer.

He said that he was thinking about getting a basketball net to roll in and out of the garage to play in the back laneway. Because he thought that might be fun too. For him and Will. Even though Erin was pretty sure the only time Will stood on his feet and got anything resembling activity was in the ED. But she also knew about the only time Jay and Will really talked was when they had something else in their hands to distract themselves from the conversation at hand. Or at least to keep them from punching or strangling one another. And it was a method that Erin already saw Jay using with Ethan too. And he'd said he thought Eth might like the net. Maybe for when he and Eva were hanging out at their house.

And he'd said those magic words. That the townhouse – it felt like a home. Not just a home. A family home. And he could really see them building their family there. Even though none of it was what they expected. That it hadn't been what they were looking at when they were shopping around for places. It hadn't been the vision in their of their mind's eyes when they imagined where they might be living or what their house and home might look like if and when they had kids in the picture. But the townhouse felt like home. Now. Already. And they could both see – imagine with some reality now – what it might feel like to have kids in the picture in it. Because Eth and Henry gave them those glimpses. Because they already had toys in the house and took the boys over to the neighboring park and down the block to the community center and pool. And it felt like a place to raise a family. For them to be a family.

And Erin felt all that too.

Jay said that he knew things were exhausting and frustrating between work and Ethan. And life. And their families. But that he'd been feeling a sense of calm about their future lately. About the decisions they were making and what they were working towards. And that he was glad Ethan was in their lives. That he felt like having Eth around had really helped him too. To calm and stabilize and focus. To see that future and to understand what it would look like and feel like. And he liked it. That he liked the neighborhood. That he didn't mind they were near Hank's – because he liked the routine of having some family stuff too. Even though he also knew that whole situation was far from perfect too. Not with her family and not with his. But it was something. It worked.

It felt like they had a family and they had a home. And those were things he hadn't felt in a long time.

Some of what he was spouting – the language he was using – Erin knew some of what he was saying was topics he must've touched on in his therapy. That he'd talked through. That maybe he'd even practiced saying or talking through to ready himself to try to express these things. Because Jay struggled so much with talking. But she also knew if he was able to verbalize it now – to her – the therapy must be helping him. And he needed that. And it made her happy to see it. To hear it out of him. Because it meant he was making progress. And he was trying – for himself and for her and for them. And he hopefully meant he was healing. Even if he was still struggling to find the words and was expressing some of his feelings and thoughts in clunky and muted and around-about ways.

But it'd lead to some honest, real talk between them. As they tried to wade through some of the good and the bad and the ugly. But even what that Jay just kept coming back to repeating that he felt more stable and content and happy than he had in a long time. Maybe than he'd ever felt. And he liked that. He loved her for helping him get there. Even though Erin wasn't sure how much she'd done. And she wasn't sure if his repetition of expression meant that he was quite there yet – that he was still trying to convince himself – but she thought he was moving in that direction. And she did believe that there was truth to the stability and contentment and happiness he was talking about. Because she felt that way too. Even on the frustrating and the hard days – she knew the things she was feeling and going through – were things she hadn't experienced in a long time. Emotions and sensations that maybe she hadn't ever really felt either. Not in that way. And maybe hadn't really known were real or within her reach.

It'd ultimately lead to a gentleness between them. One that had evolved into them making love. A slow process without any hurry or urgency. With deeper eye contact than they usually made and lighter touch as they caressed and held each other. And that time the sex had been better. Spectacular even. But it also wasn't just sex that they'd been having. And she thought that was something they could both agree on to.

He'd smiled at her again when they'd finished. Caressed at her face and her hip and the outside of her thighs and ran his thumb against her abs. And he'd told her how beautiful she was. More words that he didn't usually use. And even though she knew from the look he got in his eyes and the way his body reacted to her and the things he did to her body – that he was attracted to her. But it was different to hear those words. She didn't think many people had used those words about her before. And sometimes she didn't feel so beautiful. She just felt damaged. And she didn't want people to see that. Or for them to say things about her outside appearance or physicality like she was some sort of princess or porcelain doll. But hearing Jay say it was different. And it'd made her smile too.

He'd eventually let his eyes drift shut. Really drift shut. He'd actually slept. And that was something Jay rarely – if ever – did in the immediacy of sex. But it was like he'd let so much off his chest – he'd opened up enough and gotten rid of a weight and anxiety – that his body had finally let him sleep. Really sleep.

Though, she lay with him for a while – watching him - she'd eventually gotten up and showered and dressed and gone down and made him breakfast. It was almost ready before she heard him up and taking his own shower before he appeared downstairs. It was pushing 10 a.m. – a very late start to the day by Jay's standards. But he was still smiling then. And he was still smiling now as he settled back from their kiss.

"How'd it go?" she asked, gesturing to his shopping bags.

He glanced up the stairs – clearly gauging where Ethan was and if he could hear them. "He is stoned off his gourd," he put to her quietly.

"Mmm …," Erin allowed and darted her eyes up the stairs too. She hadn't heard movement for a bit. Not since the toilet had flushed and his crutches had clattered into his bedroom. But he was taking a long time to just be getting his weighted gloves.

"Did Hank give him the cannabis oil?" he asked.

Erin shrugged but shook her head. "He would've mentioned."

Jay made a sound and looked up the stairs too. "You'll have to look at his eyes when he comes down. Dilated and just … off. He's really shaking today."

She made another small sound of acknowledgment at that. "I talked to him about that," she said with a little gesture back through the kitchen. "He's going to call the neurologist on Monday. See if we can get him in for an evaluation before all the scans and tests the trial has him slotted for in June."

Jay made another sound of acknowledgement and kept looking up the stairs.

"Hank thinks … hopes … some of it is just … anxiety," she said.

Jay nodded. "Yea …," he agreed.

"He might've given him that other anxiety med," she said. "Why he's acting stoned."

Jay nodded. "Maybe …," he allowed but pulled his eyes away from the stairs. He was likely coming to the same conclusion as her – that Eth might've sat down on the bed and devolved into a nap quickly. But if that's what his body was telling him it needed – so be it. "Did Voight get anything else out of him about some of that stuff he said to you the other night?"

She gave a little nod and let out a slow breath. "You know how he uses the stalls or the accessibility bathroom rather than the urinals?" she put to him.

It'd just been something they had to ingrain into him. Between the tremors and how fumbling Eth was with balancing on the crutches and dealing with buttons and zippers on his fly – it just made more sense for him to have some more privacy so he wasn't splashing urine across the entire bathroom floor or himself. He also usually sought out privacy at Iggy's when changing for gym. As much as the fucking school let him participate in gym. But Eth needed extra time to change out and he really didn't want or need those kids seeing more of his scarring than they already knew existed.

Jay just nodded, though. Because he knew all that.

"Apparently, that's the 'evidence' the little assholes are using that he's hiding something," she said. "Or more specifically hiding his alleged lack of a penis."

Jay shook his head. "Eth's got more gonads than any of those fuckers."

"Did he say anything to you today?" she asked.

Jay made a little shrug. "That Holly might be feeding the unnamed little fuck supposed intel."

Erin squinted at him and then shock her head and glared out the window. "What'd she see? Or think she saw?" she muttered.

"Evan showing Eth how to grip a ball to throw a curve and coaching him on the movement of his arm. And the flick of the wrist," he said, raising his eyebrow at her.

"She's turned into such a little bitch," she glared out the window. "It's just …"

She didn't even know. She was about ready to get that girl cornered and give her a piece of her own mind. Put her in her place. But it might end with her spitting on the bitch. Likely conduct unbecoming of a police officer. But she also wasn't sure she cared. This kid's behavior was pretty unbecoming of a reasonable human being. She didn't understand why the hell the little girl next door was putting her baby brother through this bullshit. At all. Or at least feeding into it. To the fucking pariahs at Ignatius. The ones who just needed a reason.

She let out a sigh and turned her eyes back to Jay, though. Because there wasn't much they could do about it right now. She wasn't even sure how much any of them could do. That Hank would talk to Caruso again. That he'd likely go talk to Holly's mom again. That if Ethan gave the kid's name to them – they'd go talk to the parents. Lay down the riot act. But Erin also didn't know that any of that would really improve the situation for Eth or just make it worse.

"Did he at least have fun today?" she asked instead. Because she'd accepted the reality that in more ways than they wanted Eth looked forward to his time at home and with his dad and with them and his weekends and the things that they and Hank did with him. They were his distraction most days.

Jay nodded and gazed down at the bags. "I'm not sure if I should show you," he said. "He seemed pretty excited about showing his dad the comics he picked."

"Yea?"

Jay nodded and leaned forward to riffle through the bags a bit. "Were able to get ten. Five each. Should him busy for a bit. Hopefully the EA too." He pulled out a Guardians of the Galaxy one and flashed it at her. She allowed an amused smile. "I'll let him show you the rest. There's some detective one. He's excited to show Hank that."

She allowed a thin smile. "Good," she said but gestured at the bags again – particularly the rather large Lego bag. "Looks like the Lego trip was successful too."

Jay made a small sound at that and raised an eyebrow at her. "Without the gloves, shaking so bad that I had to put together the Build Day sets for him."

He dug in the bag and handed her a little thing that she sort of recognized as a Star Wars ship though she couldn't say which one. She would hazard a guess that it was a villainous ship just based on all black blocks. She also got handed a little blue and orange ship that she was able to sort of recognize as something sort of resembling Star Lord's space ship in the movie the night before.

"Near tears for most of it," Jay said. Drawing her attention away from trying to figure out what the hunks of plastic in her hands were. "Had to talk him down."

She sighed and handed the little ships back to him to return to the bag. "That why that bag looks a lot bigger than the ones that usually bring home his Microfighters?"

Jay allowed a sort of guilty grin at that and shrugged. "There was a ten bucks off coupon for if you spent at least twenty-five bucks on Star Wars Lego. Usually spend fifteen on him … so …"

"So …," she put back to him, raising her eyebrow.

He shrugged again and pulled a Star Wars set out of the bag half-way for her to gaze at. She instead gazed at the 263 pieces on the front of the box. "You think that's smart when he's tremoring?"

Jay just set it back down in the bag. "See how he is after his nap. Has he had his propranolol yet?"

"Doubt it," she said. He usually got it in the afternoons. Not that it mattered. Because it sure didn't seemed to be helping with his tremors much lately anyways.

"I'll help him," Jay allowed flatly. Which would mean they wouldn't be leaving for a while.

"Looks like you got more than that," she said.

Jay gave her a more wryly grin and fully pulled a Lego Technic set of a motorcycle out of the bag. "Apparently my birthday present," he said. "From Hank and Eth."

She raised her eyebrow at him. "Just what you need …"

He shrugged at her and gazed with a touch of little boy glee at the set. "You should be happy," he said. "It's likely as close as you'll let me get to a motorcycle."

"You've got that right," she said.

He just smiled at her. "I know just where to put it when I'm done."

"Back in the box?" she suggested.

"Keep dreaming," Jay said.

She shook her head and gestured at the last bag. "Did you find the shoes?"

He reluctantly put the Lego down but nodded with a similar level of enthusiasm and pulled the show box out of the bag and lifted the lid to display the runners to her. She allowed a little nod. They were running shoes. She could only get so excited about them. Though, she was slightly more excited about them than the Lego. At least they served a supposedly useful prupose. Even though Jay seemed to collect shoes – or at least running shoes – at a rate that would put most female shoe addicts to shame. Different pair for every outfit … or sport, or activity. But if it kept him happy and healthy – and she could continue to enjoy his body and know he had the physical fitness to help keep him safe – she didn't think it was an entire waste of money. And at least it meant she'd get to stop hearing about these shoes. That had the whatever that did the whatever.

Her face must've said something, though, because he looked a little reluctantly into the box. "Yea, I know," he said with a touch of regret. "I really shouldn't have spent this kind of money on shoes."

She reached and gave his forearm a little squeeze until he looked at her. "Jay, you hardly ever spend money on yourself. You're allowed to treat yourself sometimes. And it's your birthday."

He gave a little nod and closed the box, setting it on the couch next to him. "Well, they're a pretty good birthday present. So thanks."

She gave a little shrug. Not much of a birthday present when she'd basically told him to go out and pick it out and buy it for himself. But she'd half-ways accept the thanks.

"Voight just babysitting the ribs?" he asked.

"Mmm …," she allowed. "He's having a bit of a Camille day."

She wasn't sure what had stirred it. But she suspected that it might've been something Ethan had said or disclosed to him. Though, her showing up and wanting to go through the recipe box and then destroying one of Camille's recipes likely hadn't helped. Still, she gestured at the book and waved over at the turntable that he had Tea for Tillerman playing. Again, Cat Stevens was a favorites of Camille's – and likely his – but she almost wondered if Eth had said something about Guardians of the Galaxy and Yondu and Peter Quill and that final scene as Father and Son played. Another song that likely said too much about their family. And maybe his relationship with Ethan but more likely his relationship with Justin. And he was likely feeling that loss that day as much as Camille's. Not that he'd said anything of the sort. But he also didn't have to not with the way he was acting.

"I think he's working on the garden," was all she said, though. "He likes to do the planting on Mother's Day weekend. Next weekend. … Tradition."

Jay allowed a little nod. "He okay?" he asked, cautiously. The underlying tone had a question. If they should leave. If Hank really wanted them there for dinner – for Jay's birthday dinner – if he was having a day where he was thinking about his wife. And likely about his lost son too.

Erin just nodded. "He's okay. His lovely self," she said and pointed at the pre-worn slit in the knees of her distressed jeans. "Wanted to know how much extra I paid to have holes in the knees."

Jay smiled and slipped his finger between the fabric and poked at her skin and bones. "Likely a valid question."

"Also got grumbled at about how much time and money him and Camille put in to get my clothes that didn't have holes in them for me to be going on and spending money on ripped up clothes all on my own."

Jay smiled wider. "Also likely a valid point."

She raised her eyebrow at that. "And I was told these constitute unacceptable work attire."

"Ah," Jay said and pulled his hand out of the slit in the fabric. "So does that mean you'll be wearing them on Monday?"

She just grinned and shrugged.

"Shit-disturber," he put to her flatly.

She gave him a gentle kick in the thigh but wasn't going to argue it. But she'd put up with Hank long enough that she was allowed to push some of his buttons and test some of the bounds. She figured it was partially in her job description. In the father-daughter contract.

"He wants to know if it's okay for Olive and Henry to come over for dinner," she said.

He gave her a funny look. "Yea, of course."

She shrugged. "Your birthday. He's letting you define the guest list."

He snorted some sort of amusement at that. "Family," was all he said.

She nodded. Though, it was strange to hear him say it and sometimes she still wondered how much he believed it. But they were family. He was family too. "Did you want to call Will and Nina? See if they have plans?"

But she got a worse face at that. Will had definitely rubbed Jay the wrong way that week. More than once. Likely the past several weeks. Or really their whole lives. But not showing at Molly's for a birthday drink with the unit, "making up for it" by inviting him out for a drink the next day which Jay went to thinking was just the two of them but ended up putting him in the awkward situation of sitting at a table with Will, Nina and Natalie, and then flaking out on the hockey game had pretty much placed Jay's brother in the bad books for the moment. Will spent a lot of time there and he didn't seem to show a whole lot of initiative in trying to get out of them. He actually seemed to be pretty good at finding new ways to get in there over and over – by pushing all Jay's buttons and saying all the wrong things (or the right things to push those buttons). But, Erin supposed that was something else that family – especially siblings – were good at.

But Jay just pulled himself up from the couch. "I'll let him know about Olive," he said.

She gave a little nod and watched him walk toward the dining room entry way. But he stopped as he did – having spotted the little pile of a few neatly wrapped gifts sitting there on the table. And a balloon tied to the one chair with a few colorful birthday cake plates sitting in front of it. He turned at her and squinted with some surprise and some discomfort. Some sort of happiness. Or need for reassurance. Or maybe it was more that happiness, stability, contentment and comfort that she saw in his eyes again but he was struggling to figure out how to process that and what to do with it.

So she shrugged at him. "It's like it's your birthday or something," she said. "And you're family."

And there's was nothing like about that. And nothing like it.

And a little smile tugged at the corners of his unsure mouth, as he turned and gazed again at the little set up. In honor of him. Because he mattered. And was included. And was loved. And respected. And deserved to be celebrated sometimes. Even if it made him a little uncomfortable in his comfortable stability.

 **AUTHOR NOTE:**

 **So I've watched the finale. So anyone that was refraining from commenting on the previous two chapters — or to DM about it — please feel free to do so now.**

 **I won't say much about the finale beyond that it pretty much went the way I expected it to go based on the previews and the direction of the series. I also feel like the whole "Erin's leaving" thing is overdone on the show. And I don't believe that her departure will last more than three episodes. I think it's actually more likely that it will be resolved in the first. If she actually even leaves.**

 **I think Eid moving to CPD and him restaffing the show is more interesting. Though, I'm concerned about what that might mean for the show, I'm also sort of hopeful that new blood in the writer's room might yield something more like the First Season of the series and the original direction it was going in with a semi-serialized morally grey police drama. Rather than a Dick Wolf procedural. However, given Eid's history on DW productions and what he did on SVU this season (which i liked because I didn't like how the show became less about cases and more about personal stories of the characters — but I also don't watch CPD just for its cases and I don't think it's a show just about cases and I'm concerned that Eid will turn it more into a case-driven police , for me, will make the series even less enjoyable than it's become.**

 **As for how the finale will fit into this AU — I haven't decided yet. The reality is that I think it would be really interesting to play with Erin telling Ethan about that and his reaction to the news. I also think there could be some interesting exploration for Jay and Erin's relationship. As well as Hank and Erin's and Jay and Hank's. Also for some time I've wanted to do a bit of a CPD-SVU crossover story or chapters and to give Eth (and possibly Hank) a trip to NYC. This could be the opportunity to do that. However, I also wouldn't present it as a permanent thing — because I think/know it's going to be extremely temporary on the show too.**

 **But — the reality is that playing with that would take time and I'm not able to write as regularly right now and there's still arcs and scenes and stories I want to explore already from this season and within So It Goes and Aftermath. So I'm not sure starting a new arc that would require multiple chapters to fully explore would be bright. Or what I want to write right now. I might. I might not. As I've said previously, I already have several other arcs in here I'm working at completing as well as several other ideas I want to pick away at.**

 **For the people who've asked about if/when I'm going to work on From the Get — the answer, is yes, I do intend to work on it. When? I'm not quite sure as there are some things I'm rolling on and wanting to wrap in So It Goes right now. So we'll see.**

 **For the people who've asked about the Christmas chapters and a bit more resolution in Aftermath — the answer is still that I'm not sure how much more I'm going to do with it. Maybe a few more chapters. But again, right now I'm working on wrapping a couple things in So It Goes.**

 **For the few guest reviewers from my SVU stories that keep putting reviews in here asking about if/when I'm going to update Welcome Home or do a new Jack/Benji story in that AU to provide some resolution — the answer is that I really don't know, but I doubt it. As it's been pointed out — it has been a year now since I updated. And, at this point I don't fully remember where the story was going in the immediacy (overall, yes — the sequence, no). I also feel like I've lost the tone and speaking patterns of the characters. And, that I generally really don't enjoy SVU or the presentation and characterization of Benson anymore on the series so I don't actively watch it and haven't for a couple years. Yes, I do miss the Jack and Benji characters and Liv's interactions with them. And sometimes I have a desire to try to write some more or ideas for new chapters or where they might be in their lives at this point. But that's not something I will likely be pursuing anytime soon.**

 **However, there is a small possibility that you might see some crossover in these CPD stories. Possibly with Jack (you may remember that his girlfriend was from Chicago). And possibly again with Benson — especially if Erin goes to NYC and any of the other characters go for a visit. I do have an idea for a sequence in this AU that involves Jack. But again, it's not high on the priority list.**

 **Anyway, hopefully that answers some of your questions.**

 **And hopefully you enjoy the chapter. Your readership, reviews and feedback are appreciated.**

 **The chapters haven't been reordered in a while because of the lack of alerts (which some people have told me is now fixed) and also because of that there was a decline in readership numbers and reviews. So you might want to go back several chapters to make sure you haven't missed anything.**


	36. Sated

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

 **THIS CHAPTER GOES AFTER WHAT IS CURRENTLY CHAPTER 33 — HIDDEN TRUTHS.**

Jay sat back in his chair and gave Erin a small smile, finding her hand under the table to give it a squeeze on her lap. She returned it - and the smile.

Jay felt sated. And not just because of the meal. Though, that likely helped.

He'd definitely eaten. But that was technically why they were there. But it was more than that.

It'd been a meal. Like a real fucking meal. And something everyone sitting around that table had contributed to in some way. That it wasn't just Hank tossing the ribs on the grill with his little smoker box. It was the sauce he'd made up and slathered them in. That was fucking magic. So fucking magic he might allow himself to stoop to the level of asking for the recipe so he could slather it on barbecue of his own at home. It was the tray of deviled eggs that Olive had managed to whip up and bring over after getting an official invite. The ones that tasted so good, you knew that they'd been prepped long before she actually got that official go-ahead for coming over so the filling had absorbed all the flavors and seasonings that made you want to eat the whole fucking tray of them and pretty much blow your diet attempts out of the water. It was the coleslaw that Erin would've normally just dumped into a bowl out of a bag (or more likely grabbed an uncouth handful of a dropped it on a plate and called it a 'side' for whatever their dinner was). But she hadn't that day. She'd actually chopped cabbage and shredded carrots and broccoli and diced up chives into minuscule bits. And made an actual dressing to go on it – not just put oil and vinegar on the table beside the salt and pepper. It was Ethan setting out all his pickled everything – pickles, onions, olives, asparagus on a plate to actually share rather than hoarding it in the fridge and snapping at anyone who touched it. It was despite that kid being stoned out of his head and tremoring real bad that he'd managed to stand at the kitchen counter and slice tomatoes and cucumbers and red peppers to put out for them to crunch on when they weren't just packing away the sodium, oils and proteins of dinner.

And the underlying statement of it all was that it wasn't because it was just a decent Saturday spring afternoon and warranted some time in the yard and with food that made it feel more like summer. The repeated message was that it was because it was his birthday. And it wasn't even his birthday. Not anymore. Not that day.

And this just wasn't something he was that used to. Because even when he was a kid – when his mom had still be around while he was growing up – it'd never really felt like it was a special day that anyone wanted to celebrate even if it got a vague acknowledgement. At least from his mom. At breakfast with some colorful sprinkles on his peanut butter toast and a glass of chocolate milk to wash it down – when they didn't buy chocolate milk other weeks of the year. And in that chocolate cake he'd get at dinner. But that was always the extent of it. And it'd been nice. She'd made it nice for him. As nice as she could given the circumstances of their family's dynamic – given how his dad and his brother were.

But this was different. And it was nice too. In a different way. It was different in that it wasn't just those little moments that felt nice. It wasn't just his mom – and her efforts – that felt nice. That day – today – the whole day was nice and it just had him feeling kind of at ease. Sated.

And part of him knew that he shouldn't entirely feel that way. He almost felt guilty feeling that way. Because there were other things going on. In their lives. In his. That Erin was struggling with the shooting. That he'd had his own ups and downs the past several months. And so had he. That stuff was going on with Eth that had them worried. That both their families – on either side of them – were a fucking constant source of politics and stress. That they had money and mortgage and life as a couple and life as individuals and crap at work – and with their boss – issues. That they still had a whole fucking lot to do in … just working on their relationship. And figuring their lives out – or their life together – out.

But at the same time … the good days. The spectacularly less than shitty days, you needed to hold onto. Even when you were mucking through other shit – you still had to enjoy these days. And Jay had that day. He really fucking had. It'd been more than a decent day amid the muck.

Erin always talked about how dysfunctional her family was. And he wouldn't argue with her that it was. They had an interesting dynamic. And that was putting it politely. They were kind of fucked up. But they somehow made it work. Work in a way that Jay didn't think him and Will and his dad could ever manage. A way that Jay knew he'd never really be willing to manage at this point in his life.

He wasn't sure he was convinced it was worth it. Or that he wanted to try. And go through the stress of working on that area of his life. Or his past. His history. His family. That a lot of times didn't feel so much like family as some genetic legacy he was just trying to forget was attached to him.

Sometimes he felt bad that he felt that. Because he knew it'd likely hurt his mom. Maybe not so much that he had no relationship with his dad – but that him and Will still struggled so much. But they were getting better. They were trying. Jay had tried that hard. And so had Will. To varying degrees. But it was all still a bit of a mess.

And it was almost embarrassing. Because Hank had again told him he could – or should – invite Will (and by default Nina) over for dinner too. And even though he knew he didn't need to give Voight much of an explanation about how fucked up his own family was, he'd still felt like he'd be some fucking dunce and look like the dick if he didn't at least call Will. So he had. And again Will had decided it wasn't worth coming over for a couple hours. That grabbing a drink on his birthday was too much to ask for him. Sitting through a hockey game together wasn't something he wanted to do. That a post-birthday dinner was only possible with pub grub and made awkward with Nina and Natalie in attendance. And that he wasn't going to give him two hours on a Saturday either to have a barbecue and some cake with his fiancée's side of the family.

And that was the even more embarrassing part. Because these people had no real reason to bother doing anything for him. They didn't even need to acknowledge it was his birthday – or it had been that week. They didn't need to carve out time in their weekend for him. They didn't need to make a meal for him. They didn't need to bake a cake for him. They didn't need to have any sort of gifts or cards for him. That they weren't blood. That beyond Erin they really could've just acted like they didn't know. Or even if they did – they didn't have any reason to really care. But they fucking did. They did enough for Hank and Ethan and Olive and Henry to be sitting there – in Voight's fucking house sharing an evening together … because of him. For him. And his own brother – his own flesh and blood – couldn't show up.

He wanted to tell himself – or to buy Will's excuse – about his brother and Nina being at a bit of a crossroads in their relationship. That he needed to spend more of his time off with her and fix it a bit. But he also didn't buy it. Because the relationship had been a mess from the get-go. And Will never knew how to fix these things. He just fucking made them worse. The way he made them worse was just fully illustrated in the fact he thought it was a great idea to bring fucking Natalie to dinner the other day. Will excelled at making the awkward more awkward. Because he convinced himself if he pretended like it wasn't awkward than it wouldn't be. But that wasn't how the world worked.

And he'd again made shit awkward by not agreeing to come over for food and not having any sort of reasonable excuse he could give to Voight beyond just saying Will was busy. And all that had gotten was a knowing grunt from the guy. And Jay supposed at least he knew. But that was just fucking embarrassing too.

Because it just farther highlighted what a fucking mess his relationships with his remaining family was. With his brother. And with his dad.

And even if Jay decided he did want to work on any of that at any point in time, he couldn't see his relationship with his dad as being anything better than a bit of a mess. It wasn't even really worth trying. It never had been. His dad had never tried anyways either – and he was supposed to be the father, the parent, the man. He was supposed to raise a son. Sons. But instead he always seemed to put those duties – and that role – on a backburner. And sometimes Jay felt like he'd been completely shoved off the stove. Out of sight as much as possible. Forgotten on some counter. That fucking side dish that no one even wanted on their plate. Leftovers destined for the fucking trash.

It was like spending time with Erin – with her family had just driven that point home even more. It was days like that day that drove it home even more.

Days when he was at the Voights' house. When he saw what a fucking hard ass Voight could be with Eth but how fucking … just present for the kid he was when he was home too. How much he fucking loved that kid – his son, his youngest. Doted on him and consoled him even when he was at him about every little thing in getting him to grow up but not to get too fucking big for his shorts at the same time.

It was just how much of a fucking dad and a granddad Voight was. How he was sitting there at the opposite side of the table with Eth next to him – near leaning into him because even for how acrimonious the two of them could be, that whole still touch and comfort each other in some guy-like-manly way between father and son still existed – and Henry sitting on his lap. That as fucking usual, despite the cake in front of him – Voight seemed far more interested in picking the strawberries off the top and putting them over on Eth's plate. Saving only a couple to keep with him – but not for himself. They were getting cut up into smaller pieces to let Henry shove into his mouth. To let Henry keep stealing his fork licking the crumbs of cake and icing off it. Getting a mess of cake and icing and ice cream and strawberry goo all over his face and Voight seeming completely undisturbed by it despite his fucking neat-freak and organizational tendencies. That he was far more concerned with just letting the baby enjoy himself and letting everyone else smile at him and take pictures of the impending sugar rush and crash before bedtime.

And for a guy who beat the living shit out of people in the cage and rammed them up against walls in interrogation rooms and got within inches of their face on the scene and didn't have any qualms about pulling his gun or shoving it down someone's throat – Voight looked just as content and comfortable and perfectly in place sitting there being dad and grandpa.

There was a really fucking strange realization that Jay couldn't imagine his father wanting to be a grandfather. Maybe he hadn't really had to bother thinking about his dad that way until the last year or so. Maybe he'd never really imagined that he'd get to the point that he wanted to have kids of his own. Or even if he did that he'd be in the position – that he'd find someone who he wanted to make that kind of family with and would be willing to make the scarifies and changes in his life to be the kind of man who deserved to be a husband and father. Or maybe it was just that he'd always known that if he ever did get to the point he was having kids of his own, he wouldn't want his dad to be involved. Not in his life and not in his kids.

Not that it really mattered. Because Jay couldn't see his dad ever wanting to be involved in any grandchildren's lives – neither his or Will's. Fuck, Jay couldn't even really imagine telling his dad that there was a baby on the way – if … when … him and Erin got pregnant again.

But he already fucking knew what Hank looked like as a grandfather. What he was like as a grandfather. That he'd want to be involved. Like involved involved. That he'd be there on the day the baby was born. That he'd come over and see the kid when they got it home. That he'd help. That he'd run errands for them. That he'd take the kid if him and Erin needed a break or had something come up at work or just wanted to do something that didn't involve a baby or toddler or kid or whatever. And that he'd be fine. That he'd probably be more than fine. And that he'd probably spoil the grandkid – or at least give them a bit more leeway – than he'd ever allegedly given any of his own prodigies. And that Voight would likely more or less enjoy playing grandpa. The good and the bad of it. And the kid would be returned to them unscathed. Actually, if Henry was any indication, the kid might sort of prefer their grandpa over anyone else in the room. Or the family.

And part of Jay really wanted to be uncomfortable with that. Because he wanted to operate on the less he knew about Voight the better. But it wasn't like that anymore. And as much as there was this part of him that wanted to not think about or imagine or accept Voight – their boss - as being the grandfather to any of their kids in the future, there was something … nice about it. Not nice. Not the right word. But it just felt like … it felt fucking normal.

And maybe he wasn't used to things – especially with family – to ever feel that way. But for as fucking abnormal and fucked up as Erin's family situation felt – there were a lot of times that it sure fucking felt pretty normal to Jay. It felt like he knew how important having a relationship with his grandfather was for him growing up. How sometimes that felt like the only lifeline he had that had given him any sort of connection back to reality to sort of pull through. And Jay wanted his kids to have that. To have some kind of grandparent – someone more than him or Erin – in their lives. And it sure as fuck wasn't going to be his dad. And it sure as fuck wasn't going to be Bunny. But Voight – Hank – seemed like a decent option. He actually seemed like a pretty normal one. The sort of grandpa maybe you'd kind of hope your kid would have. One that actually wanted to be a part of the kids lives. One that actually wanted to help you out as parents in the whole … raising the kids thing.

And all of that felt normal. It felt like normal things he should want or be thinking about at the age he was at. It actually felt like … it was stuff like this. Things he was thinking about. Stuff him and Erin were talking about. The ways they were working forward – and what they were working toward – as a couple. How he was trying to move up in the world. That this shit. It was the stuff he was supposed to be doing to make him being one of the guys who got to come home be worth it. It was living his life with meaning. It was doing due honor and giving due respect to his friends – to all the soldiers – who didn't get to come home. The ones that didn't get to have this. Or had left their wives or girlfriends or kids – or fathers and brothers and sisters and little nieces and nephews – behind to do all this sort of shit without him.

But it'd taken him nearly a fucking decade to get to this spot. To be able to be working toward living with purpose and reason. To not just be treading water. To not just be acting like the only thing he could do of value was the job. That that was his duty and responsibility – and his sentence. Because it wasn't. This was. Making a family. Being a participating member of a family. Having a place and a spot and a reason. Real ones. Ones that had real fucking meaning. That meant something. Something so much more than the job or what he did or didn't do for the city and its citizenship. That was important. But this? This was what would matter in the end.

This was his why. It was what he should be living for. What he should've been working toward all those years. And it wasn't something he'd even realized that should be his final goal – his end game – until he'd met Erin. Maybe more accurately until he'd been allowed to see the family Erin had made – or found or established – for herself. And how much those fucking two years since Eth had come home and he'd somehow been allowed to play some part in that adjustment for all of them had changed him. And given him that reason and place and stability he'd at least been looking for since he'd spun out when he'd come home. Maybe more likely he'd been looking for since he was about fourteen. Or really his whole life – when he'd come to realize that he was a bit more than an afterthought in at least fifty percent of his family.

And for as fucking unstable or insane as the whole situation him and Erin were in. For all the shit that all of them were still working through – it felt … or maybe it was Jay who felt … like they were in a phase that felt good. He felt like he was in a good place these days. And he liked that. A whole fucking lot.

So even though Jay didn't know why or how Erin and Voight made it work. He also kind of knew exactly why they did. Because even if Erin didn't want to entirely admit it – she liked how it felt too. Just like he did now. The feeling over it. Somewhere in her. All of it just felt normal to her too. And he wanted to believe – from all the things they talked about lately … from all the shit they talked about that morning – that despite all the shit they had going on in their lives and all they still had to muck through, they were both kind of in a good spot. A good place.

So instead, he just watched the family's dynamic. A lot. Probably more than he wanted to admit. To pick up some sort of pointers. To pass his own judgment on their dynamic. And maybe on Voight as an individual – a man, a husband, a cop, a father.

And the reality was that Erin and Hank – her dad, his daughter - were pretty fucking normal no matter how fucked up they were.

They fought. They didn't get along. A lot. They bickered. He still treated her like a little girl. She still treated him like she was a snotty teenaged kid. At times. They got in each other's faces. They rubbed each other the wrong way. They went through periods where they clearly were more than displeased with each other. Where the other had fundamentally been hurt. But no matter how Erin cut it, it just came back to Hank being family. And somehow she seemed willing to put aside some of the hurt, rage, trauma and anger to have that.

And Jay thought that was understandable. Acceptable. No matter how unwilling he was to set aside his own hurt, rage, trauma and anger with his own father. But that was a different story. And different circumstances.

He wasn't sure if it was because Erin was a woman. And maybe father-daughter relationships were different. Or if when there wasn't the genetics, if the dynamic changed. Though, she was generally far more forgiving of Bunny than Jay was of his own father with the whole blood thing.

So maybe it had more to do that Voight had chosen her. Or she still felt on some level like she was always proving herself and like she needed to to still be a member of the family. Though, Jay wasn't sure that Voight or Ethan looked at it that way at all. Or Olive. Or Voight's wife. That maybe the only person who had ever decided to treat her that way was gone.

Though, Jay could still get that being picked – as a teenager – to be a member of a family, that it'd feel like it might've had conditions. And maybe it did. That maybe it'd always sort of feel like a conditional love. Though, Jay also wasn't sure it was. At this point. He saw how Voight treated Eth. And he saw how he treated Erin. He saw the guy he was with her at work and the guy he was with her at home. He saw how he was with Henry. And with Olive. And he saw how he mellowed and changed his tone when he was 'dad'. He saw the tiny touches of affection that he handed out not just to Henry or to Eth – but to Erin when she let him. And none of that seemed or felt like it carried any sort of conditions. No more than any other – normal – father-child relationship.

But Jay could appreciate that it must be heady. That it must make her connection to the family and the want and need to have a place in it different than he might ever fully be able to appreciate. Because it was different. It was unique. But that didn't make it abnormal. Or dysfunctional. Because they seemed to make it work. More than some families that were blood. More than their own blood ever had – his or hers.

So maybe it was just easier to boil it down to Erin trying. And Olive trying. And Voight trying. To there still being kids in the picture. That there was Ethan to think about. That there was now Henry to think about. And that they all clearly felt that those two kids deserved to grow up with something that kind of resembled a childhood. Even if it was a flawed one. But who's wasn't. At least they were going to know they had support and family amidst all the losses they'd gone through.

And all that counted for something.

But the dynamic was just weird. Or maybe a better word for it was foreign. But it was something Jay had sort of grown to like in a way. It wasn't like he dreaded spending a weekend evening over at Voight's anymore. They even didn't feel entirely awkward. Even if there were nights that they might be strained on given weeks. That night it wasn't, though. There were likely lots of reasons it could've been. But everyone just seemed to be in a live and let be mode.

Maybe that was the best birthday present of all.

 **AUTHOR NOTE:**

 **OK. This chapter has more text and was initially going a ver different place than what it's become. I'm not sure if/when I'm going to take it to that conclusion. But I have posted this much of what is written for now.**

 **That being said … I really don't know what I'm going to do with this story and AU from this point one. I've given it some thought but don't know.**

 **I have thought about finishing out the arc here that I've started (with Ethan and pushing forward some aspects of Jay and Erin's relationship in the midst of it and just generally setting up Eth for high school and Jay/Erin for a more spouse-like relationship. Basically spinning things a bit to move forward).**

 **I've thought about taking the finale and spinning it a different way (mainly with Erin just being gone for the summer — or less). And using that to explore some things about her and Jay's relationship and also to push forward aspects of Eth's growth and development as a teen too (and to dredge up some of his past trauma and abandonment issues and how he interacts with that as a now more teen-aged-like character). That that could still pull in the arc that I was planning on using within the Eth's health and bullying story. That it could become a bit of a turning point in Erin's decision-making process and where she placed her priorities and the direction and risk she ultimately decided to take.**

 **I've thought about going back and working on chapters in Scenes and Aftermath (and even in here — So It Goes) of scenes that I ended up kind of dropping or skipping over. Just to not have to deal with the spin that the finale and Bush's departure provided.**

 **Then I've thought about taking a break from CPD FF and feeding the SVU FF goat.**

 **And I've also just thought about stopping writing FF for now.**

 **The reality is — it's hard to write it when I no longer care for the series or am no longer watching it. That's part of the reason I no longer write SVU FF. And, really, I struggled getting through CPD in Season 4. I wasn't watching it weekly. And I suspect I will fall away from watching it even more in Season 5.**

 **Beyond that I do have limited time for this right now and when I do have time for writing, I have projects that aren't FF that need my attention.**

 **I have been asked for some perspective about Bush leaving. I really don't want to get into it because I feel that her decision was very much a personal one and I think how those chips fall — and what it means for her career and for the future of CPD — are still very much coming down. I'm thinking of it more from an industry and sales perspective. And from that perspective — I feel badly for the rest of the cast and the entire crew. I'm not expecting it to get beyond Season 5 and I won't be overly surprised if it's an augmented season and/or is cancelled mid-season. I feel their ad sales and their ratings and demos are going to be significantly affected with her departure. And no, given the circumstances and timing of her departure, I don't expect her to be doing any sort of guest appearances to wrap up any sort of story.**

 **That's about all I'm going to say right now. Beyond I'm bummed for the show. But honestly, to me the show was at it's best in Season 1. Season 2 was OK. It started to slide in Season 3 and this season was just a mess. I had low hopes for it with the EP switch and the re-staffing of the writer's room and the cancellation of Justice and how to bring Dawson back. Basically, the writing staff and EP have been handed a bit of a mess and I'm not sure there's any way they can revive and spin the show for it to be something salvageable at this time. I think they made mistakes going back as far as Season 2 that now they are really paying for. The show had a lot of potential back in Season 1. Now it really doesn't from my perspective. And that's really too bad.**

 **Any how…**

 **You thoughts and feedback on the chapter are always appreciated.**

 **I will see about maybe rounding out the rest of the scene that I have written to make it more chapter-like. But beyond that, I'm really not sure how I'm going to play this story and AU right now. The scenes and the arcs I want to work through don't feel as clear anymore and I definitely feel much less motivated to play with them and to be dedicating my writing time to other things that aren't FF.**

 **But we'll see. I really don't know right now.**


	37. Notches

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

 **THIS CHAPTER IS A DIRECT CONTINUATION OF THE CHAPTER IMMEDIATELY BEFORE THIS — SATED.**

It really was. Jay really couldn't ask for a better birthday. Or post-birthday birthday weekend. After all, he'd had the morning he'd had with Erin. And that had been good. The sex. The talk. The breakfast. You can't really argue with that as a decent way to start a day.

And he really hadn't minded spending his mid-day with Eth. At all. Even though Ethan hadn't exactly been having one of his better days. He wasn't Mr. Cheery at all. There'd been moments of frustration with the kid – but there usually were. But he still liked it. And it wasn't even the opportunity to geek-out a bit with the kid. It was just … Eth was this stabilizing force.

Erin talked about that a lot. When they worked at peeling away their layers. When they tried to stop being onions. And revealed pieces of themselves. Or talked about their childhoods. Or more likely their teens. When they tried to understand where the other came from. Why they were the way they were.

And Erin came back a lot to Ethan. That he'd grounded her. That he provided extra stability. That he was some sort of directional and navigational arrow in her life. This weather vein.

And Jay thought for a time he didn't entirely appreciate that. That he thought she was sort of over emphasizing or romanticizing the whole "big sister" thing. But that maybe that's what she needed to do to make the situation make any sense to her.

But the more time he spent with Eth – the more he knew exactly what she was talking about. Because he'd felt it too. He'd grown to feel it. And to value it.

That having a little kid – even though he wasn't so little, but he still needed them – in your life just gave you this whole different purpose and this meaning in your life. It made how you took care of yourself and how you took care of your relationship different. It made how you worked different. How you did your job and things you thought about while you were on it. How you related to it and the people around you and what you were dealing with. And it made you less selfish. Of yourself and of your time. It shifted your priorities.

And it just gave you this different kind of stability. There was a structure to it. As fucking unpredictable as Eth's health could be. And his temperament on a particular day. Or whatever fucking homework assignment or school project or test coming up was. And all that was spun in with balancing the unpredictability of their work and jobs and cases and crime in the city too. But there was still something nice about knowing that those specific nights of the week they had Ethan. That their evening would be making him dinner and pushing through homework with him. And that if they accomplished that there'd be some dopey teen show on the television in the evening or some sports match or that they'd put in an hour on the Xbox together. There was something comforting about watching their shared calendars populate with Eth's schedule – his medical appointments and physio and therapy and RIC activities and his baseball and his tutoring and his tests and deadlines. To see the who, what, when, where and to plan and co-ordinate all their schedules accordingly. To functions as a unit. And not just him and Erin. To have Voight and Olive in the mix. To act like a family that was just trying to get the whole fucking group of them through day by day.

There was something just so fucking normal – and stabilizing – about going and sitting in the bleacher to watch Eth at ball practice or a game. To take him or Henry over to the park or to the pool. To know that if there wasn't shit hitting the fan in Intelligence there was always a Sunday dinner they could go to at Hank's without needing an invitation. These little routines and traditions. The sort of thing that just made life feel … more complete. That made him wonder what he'd been missing for so long. And just how many pieces had actually been missing.

He sort of wondered sometimes if him and Erin would be where they were at if Ethan wasn't in the picture. But he also knew that if Ethan had been in the picture form the get that Erin likely wouldn't have made the time or space for him. And Jay sort of thought with the person he was then, he likely would've just given up. And he was glad he hadn't. Because as much as sometimes Eth annoyed the shit out of him – he loved what the fucking kid brought to their lives –his life – and their relationship too.

He liked their fucking Saturdays getting Microfighters. He liked the excuse to do a Lego Build. And to even be allowed in the store and to sit at the table with all the bricks since he had a kid with him. He liked that he didn't feel like a dunce standing in line for fucking free comics on Free Comic Day. He liked that he didn't need to provide any sort of excuses or justification about getting a fucking giant greasy burger once a month or pretending that a plate of fries constituted a meal.

He liked that Ethan had someone … allowed him to be a little less serious. To fucking see some breaks in those clouds that had been over his head since he was a kid Eth's age. The ones that got thicker after he was in the Rangers – and seen and done the things he'd seen and done. And the ones that had pretty much turned black after his mom had died.

But Eth … and Erin … they'd help break some of that. To be a little more than wit and banter and smart-ass comebacks. That he was allowed to … be human. To find some enjoyment in life. To even try to go back and enjoy some of the stuff that maybe had been stolen away from him too soon when he was Eth's age. And he liked that too.

And he liked spending part of the first Saturday after his 34th birthday reminding himself of that. Being an adult didn't mean you had to give up on the person you were as a kid. Not entirely. You could share some of that with other people. Those hopes and dreams and more innocent likes and dislikes were still allowed to be there. You didn't need be ashamed of it. Even if reality had corrupted you – robbed you – of that previous naivety. But at least having a kid in your life gave you some excuse to try to look at things through some eyes that still had some of that flicker of hope. Though, Eth only had so much naivety and innocence in him. He was still a kid but the world and life had definitely already touched him – corrupted him – all on its own accord.

Maybe all of that, though, was part of the reason he'd become more … interested … or even restless about getting around to starting a family. About making that fucking time. Maybe time he should've made long ago. But that the timing hadn't been right until he'd taken his decade of recovery. To try to move beyond that label he had that he still struggled with verbally acknowledging. The PTSD. And what that meant for him. As a human being. As a man. As a husband. As a father.

But things were different now. He was different. He had Erin. He was in his thirties. He was a stable, functional, responsible adult man. In a good job. He was setting up a decent life for himself. He was moving up in the world.

And he wanted to have that own little kid of his. One where he saw the naivety and the innocence from the start. One where he got to do his fucking damnedest to try to protecting them from losing that innocence too quickly. To try to keep the world from corrupting them. To give them a different reality than the one he'd grown up in. Or the one Erin had had for her foundational years.

He wanted that. Even though he really wasn't too sure how him and Erin would do with a baby. He wasn't really sure they were baby people. Though, he sort of had some comfort in knowing that Erin seemed to know something about babies even if she wasn't exactly a cooing and gahing kind of woman. And they both seemed to be Henry people even if they weren't baby people. And if they could manage to be Henry people, they could likely manage to be their own kid people.

And they just needed to get through that first bit anyway. Or months. Or years. Because Jay was pretty sure after they had a walking, talking little human being with his or her own interests and personalities and quirks – him and Erin – they'd be pretty kick-ass at that. He was slightly bias. But he sort of thought they already were. And Eth wasn't even theirs.

They were moving that way, though. Slowly. Erin was onboard. He could feel it. He knew she could feel it too. That it wasn't going to happen tomorrow but there would be a baby – or at least a pregnancy – again. Soon. Likely before Erin's magically thrity-three milestone she'd set for herself previously.

Because they were talking about it now. More openly. Not in passing mentions. Not in a sort of quarterly discussion they'd been having for most of that year. Since the unplanned pregnancy. Since the miscarriage. Since the fucking hell of trying to figure out how they were supposed to navigate that as a couple and as partners on the job and as friends and as indivudals. Her as a woman and him as a man. And just what the fuck was he allowed to think or feel about any of it? But he'd thought and felt lots about it. And they were just getting to the point that everything they'd thought and felt was … enough of an experience they could actually talk about the reality of pregnancy and family and babies again. In real terms. With some sort of plan.

Not that they had a plan yet. But he could feel them moving in baby steps towards it. Already. And faster than they had in a year. The condoms were gone. He could actually be with – feel – Erin again. Have some fucking real intimacy rather than feeling like they were dealing with some landmine that was going through them into emotional turmoil again where they were triple layering and triple checking things and he was having to fucking pull out all the time like that was some sort of fourth quarter Hail Mary move that would prevent any mishaps that might get through all their other pre-planning security measures.

It was other things too. Little unspoken signs that he could tell Erin was moving toward telling him she was officially ready to try. Or telling him exactly what the plan was – or should be – from her perspective.

She'd stopped drinking. She'd cut back since Nadia and her banana peel. But she still drank. They'd both indulged on their Florida trip. It was vacation. It might be as fucking close as they got to a real getaway – beyond the cabin – for a long time. They'd enjoyed themselves. But since being back – since their talks on holiday – he hadn't seen Erin drink. He'd seen her outright decline alcohol. And the usual IV drip of coffee into her veins had significantly declined too to no more than a cup or two a day. His combo girl had definitely shifted her eating habits too. When they grabbed lunch together now, it wasn't an Al's Italian Beef or an Elvis dog or a kabob or a Kuma's burger – specifically the Iron Maiden and bigger than her head. It was salad. For all the ball busting she did to Eth about his love of salad, now it was her dropping like seven bucks at lunch to eat fucking leafy greens.

Not that he was complaining about her dietary changes. Because the shifts were definitely starting to show in her body. Not that he'd ever had any real complaints about Erin's body … ever. He actual thought she looked pretty great with some meat to her. It gave her all those curves in just the right places. But lately her abs had definitely come out with the shift away from empty calories and carbs in her diet. And, there was something attractive about that too. The strength. She was so fucking strong in more ways than she wanted to acknowledge. But physically seeing it and being able to touch it was another thing.

It'd actually been enough to let her take the lead in bed a bit more than he generally usually did. Let her be on top. So he could stare and touch her a bit more. A decent payoff for giving up some control. Maybe the more decent payoff was that by relinquishing some of that control, he'd estimate that they'd definitely seen a bit of an increase in their fucking that month. Not that they were too slack in the sack before. But since Florida – since being back – they were definitely working at tallying up their orgasms at a faster rate.

Had that morning. Was sort of hoping they would add another notch to their bedpost that night too.

 **AUTHOR NOTE:**

 **OK. So this chapter/scene is still going on. I still haven't gotten to what its intention had been (which is the actual dialogue of the scene — so yes, I'm aware there isn't any dialogue yet). Basically, it's become some verbal diarrhea in me working out just what the hell to try to do with this story and AU. And maybe trying to force it more quickly in ways that I would've hoped the series would've incrementally worked toward on some levels over the course of the entire show (which I had previously expected to go up to 7 to 9 seasons). So it's turning a bit sentimental and fluffy. Not sure what that says for what I want to do with it, if anything.**

 **Contemplating going back and doing that Harry Potter Land chapter that I haven't gotten to. Because if I'm going to be light and fluffy — I might as well go for real fluff.**

 **For the people who got overly excited about me saying I might turn back to SVU. I didn't mean it how you took it. I have no intention of working on Welcome Home. I have an idea for an O/S that includes Liv and Jack. That'd be it.**

 **As always, reviews, comments and feedback are appreciated.**


	38. Be There

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

 **THIS CHAPTER IS A DIRECT CONTINUATION OF THE CHAPTER IMMEDIATELY BEFORE THIS — NOTCHES.**

Though, right now they were having to get through an afternoon … and evening … at Voight's. And that was actually OK. Because Voight wasn't in their faces. He just … let them do their own thing.

He'd appeared a few times while Jay and Erin were occupying the couch watching the Cubs play the Yankees. He'd given them a glance. They were likely sitting too closely together or infringing on his designated spot even though he wasn't sitting in the room at the time. But Voight hadn't said anything. Just stared at the TV for a few pitches too and then wandered back to whatever he was up to in the kitchen and the backyard.

Eth had eventually reappeared from crashing out upstairs for a while. Bed-head gave away that he'd really crashed out. But they'd already known that. When he hadn't re-appeared after his piss break, Erin had gone up and checked on him only to find him zonked out. Could tell the kid needed it, though. Had been really care from the moment Jay had picked him up that morning. Truthfully, had likely been clear most of that week. Or even most of that month. Eth seemed to be running on empty and they still had like six weeks to get him through of school. Only added in the fact that they'd be going through a fucking gauntlet in June – as much as Hank let them, or at least let Erin – with his six-month follow-ups and tests and imaging for his M.S. trial. Added in with another dose of chemo if all was well. And then throw in ball season being in full swing. Eth's Confirmation, his birthday and his grad. With a whooping like two weeks he had off between when middle school finally wrapped up and when he started summer session.

Not to mention the whole fucking summer was going to be a mess. Had only needed to see two summers with Erin's family to know that was true. Going to be just a gong show this year. Weren't just dealing with Eth's Independence Day fetish thing and Voight turning into a bigger grenade than usual as they approached the anniversary of his wife's death. This year there was the whole one-year mark since Justin. Layered with Henry's birthday. And then getting Eth ready for high school.

Jay was pretty sure that Eth was at least going to be a basket case by August. But he wasn't exactly sure how Erin and Voight would pull through it either even though they seemed generally okay on any giving day. Depending on how you were measuring it. Jay wasn't exactly sure he'd define Eth as in the realm of OK these days. He had his moments but the kid just seemed … rundown, overwhelmed. And somehow he doubted that was going to get better anytime soon. Maybe not for the next four years. Or ever.

The kid had near stumbled into the front room with them. He'd stared blankly at the 9th inning on the screen – almost like he wasn't seeing it or processing what it was. But he'd finally come over to the couch when Erin had gestured at him. He hadn't been that verbal. But that's another thing he really wasn't that day. He was flying off on some other plane of existence.

And Erin had seen too. Giving his dilated eyes an examination and clearly – to Jay – making some movements in Eth's periphery to see if he was tracking anything. He wasn't.

Eth had only mumbled at her a bit until he settled against her – curling on the couch – and stared up at the screen for the last few pitches of the game as they watched the Cubs lose. Badly. Again.

Normally, Eth would have a commentary about the damn Yankees. But he hadn't. It was still almost like he wasn't entirely seeing it or processing it. He seemed much more interested in just leaning against his sister and taking the small comforts of physical affection she was giving him.

It was the sort of cuddling – that at nearly fourteen that maybe Jay would've said previously was getting a little too needy than was good for a kid his age going into high school in a school like his. The sort of thing that maybe he would've expected Voight to have put an end too. But it was the sort of measured affection and measured comfort that he'd seen Hank hand out to his kid too. Both Hank and Erin made it seem normal and natural.

It was on the list of things that Jay was still learning was normal and natural in a lot of households. Families. Because their house hadn't been a physical affection house. Definitely not from his dad. And even his mom hadn't been much of a hugger. Though, he knew he had been hugged. By her. He couldn't think of the last time him and Will had shared a hug. Not a real one – beyond more than a one-armed back slap. Likely not since they were kids.

Supposed most people could pass off the whole hugging thing with Eth as just that. That he was still in middle school. That he was a sick kid. That he still looked like a little boy even though he was pushing fourteen. That he was the youngest in the family. The baby. But Erin maintained that even if that was part of it – it wasn't it. That Hank and Camille gave hugs. That after she let them show her physical affection – they did. And Jay knew Voight still did – when she let him. And he had to Justin too. He'd seen Voight hug his adult son. Not handshakes or brief back smacks. Though those happened too. But real fucking hugs too place in that house. That family. That it was important. Important with a dad who went into a job where you just never fucking knew what could happen each day. Maybe more important now – to Eth and Erin and Voight – with the kid's mom gone and his brother. With Eth being so fucking acutely aware – and argumentatively articulate about the jobs they all worked and the potential danger it put them in while consistently pointing out statistics fed to him by Evan and spouted more at him in the news and social media.

And Jay could see that. It was important. He could see Erin's point. And Ethan's point. And Hank's point. And there was part of him that sort of hoped that some how he could figure out how to be the kind of dad who was the initiator with those hugs and physical affection. That he didn't just wait for the kid to seek it out or that that he got all awkward when it happened. Because even with Erin sometimes just that like non-intimate casual exchanges of affection felt a little strange to him. Not getting or receiving it. Just like he never knew how to receive it or reciprocate it. Like he was always wondering if he was doing it right. And how the fuck can you not know how to hug or just fucking fill personal space with another person right?

But sometimes he just wasn't sure he did. And it was made stranger in that Eth – especially – since the trip or on the trip – had started seeking that sort of casual affection from him. Giving it too. Just fucking random stuff. Leaning against him on the couch or on the plane. Not giving a shit if he tossed his legs up on the couch while they were watching a game or playing Xbox and they landed against his thigh.

And Jay had just passed some of it off – in trying to rectify it and justify it and come to terms with it in his own mind – as him becoming a caretaker of Eth's. That after you've cleaned up someone's vomit or piss or shit. When you've had to jab them with needles or have had to go and grab them their change of clothes because they didn't make it to the can in time that leaning against the other person wasn't really a big deal. That is shouldn't be.

But it sort of was. And it was another thing that had been put into perspective for Jay since that trip too.

Their pool day. Eth had just been obsessed with that pool. Fuck, they were going down most nights just for him to take a ten-minute dip. Which wasn't so bad since: 1) Florida in spring was fucking hot and it was worth it to cool down. And, 2) it meant he got to see Erin in a bikini and there really wasn't much wrong with that. But that particular day they'd designated a chunk of the day at the hotel to just try to get the kid to rest and to keep him from either flaring up his M.S. or flaring out with exhaustion.

Eth had been perfectly happy just floating around and around the lazy river, though. Jay had stuck by him through a chunk of it. Erin was in and out. She'd lazy in the inner tube for a lap or two and then go and dry off and sun on a lounger – drowse – and then find them again in the river. Jay had been getting a little tired of doing the laps. He'd been ready to go and join Erin in the lounger. Or to make a trip over to the pool-side bar and get them some drinks. Let Eth float on his own or screw around in the pool or go down the slides a couple times on his own. But just when he'd been about ready to bail on the kid when they floated passed the next ladder exit to get his out – Eth had made some near passing comment about how the warmth of the water and the sense of weightlessness it created was about the only time – the only way – his legs, his whole body – felt whole again. Like he didn't feel as clumsy. The pain didn't feel as intense or crippling. He felt like he was on the same level as everyone else just clinging to that tube and letting the current drag them around and around.

Jay had known Eth lived in pain. He could see it. But it'd been this stark moment where it just slapped him in the face how much the kid pushed through it – and so much more – each and every fucking day. That he was pushing through it that trip. That he did at school. And at ball. And in every fucking thing he did to try to keep up with other kids and to keep up with his family. And to just be "normal". Or to try to appear "normal".

And for all those days that Eth didn't go purposely or actively looking for physical affection and comfort – the ones he did. The ones where he leaned against his sister or his dad or him – he was hurting. He was hurting so bad that he was just hoping that he could absorb some sort of strength or comfort from them that the pain would numb a bit for at least a while. He wasn't being sucky. He wasn't looking to get coddled. He wasn't being a baby or not acting his age. He was just trying to find some relief when all else had failed. And the medical system – fucking pharmaceuticals and science and health research – it seemed to be failing him.

It was that afternoon. Or day. Or week. Or month. Or year. Or the kid's whole fucking life. Because being brain damaged wasn't enough. He was going to have to wade through this fucking mess of multiple sclerosis too. And sometimes that was fucking scary. Erin didn't like to talk about it much, though sometimes she did. And, Jay knew she knew just as much about M.S. as him – if not more. That she'd read just as much as him – if not more. And there were scary statistics and numbers out there. Scary facts. And even scarier when there was no cure. When they only knew so much about the disease. And they knew even less about the particular retaliation of it that Ethan had. And just a fucking minuscule about pediatric M.S. to begin with.

But the stats and figures weren't great. That up to sixty percent of people with M.S. died from complications from it. And these were adults – diagnosed in their 30s or 40s or 50s or 60s. Pneumonia, bladder infections, sepsis. All things that Ethan had already experienced since his diagnosis. Some more than once. Suffocation and breathing problems from troubles swallow. Choking on your own salvia. Food going down the wrong pipes – cause aspiration and affixation. Ethan had been there too.

Calculations seemed to suggest that people – adults – with M.S. died up to four or seven or even fourteen years sooner than the non-M.S. population. That they weren't sure with kids but they thought that it was likely more like double that. That Ethan could die up to thirty years younger than the average population. That he might get to his fifties – if he was lucky.

And there was this stark realization that Erin – him – they'd likely outlive Ethan. There was an even starker reality that Voight – a guy who allegedly didn't get sick and hadn't been sick a day in his life and seemed built like a bulldog and stronger than a horse. That if a hit or a stray bullet or some other force of nature or psychopath didn't get in the way – that Voight could theoretically out live his youngest son. And, somehow Jay knew too with the kind of man he was learning Hank Voight was – the father he was – the guy would try his damnedest to do that. To push into his 90s. To be there for his son right up until Eth's end so he wouldn't have to be alone in that. He'd do it for Eth. And for his wife. And for Erin. Because the end stages of M.S. sounded … messy. And no one should have to be alone in that.

Jay had seen some of the mess of end of life. Of the months leading up to it. He hadn't been there as well as he should've been. But he'd seen enough to know that the end of life in illness and disease wasn't pretty. And it never looked easy. It never went as fast as you wanted it to just let your loved one die with some dignity. To not have to be in that pain anymore. Even though you so wanted them to cling on for longer.

He'd made the mistake of reading about late stages of M.S. And, even though he and Eirn hadn't talked about that – he was certain that her and Hank must have too. He could see it in them. On days … afternoons, evenings … like this. Where you could tell Eth was off and he wasn't hurting and there was just so much you could do and all kinds of things you couldn't. So you just tried to be there and hold him a bit tighter. As much as you could without hurting him.

Because as this disease progressed through his body – through his neurological system and left a path of inflammation that his immune system couldn't figure out what to do with beyond to the point it confusedly attacked itself – he'd ultimately end up more crippled than he was. That he'd likely be confined to a wheelchair – if this trail and his own going treatment didn't stop or significantly slow down the progression. If some cure wasn't found. That he'd probably be covered in bedsores from how much he was stuck in that chair or that couch or bed. Sores that might appear begin but could lead to more infection that his body wouldn't know what to do with and just wouldn't be able to cope. That he'd likely need a catheter in permanently and there'd have to be constant monitoring of his kidneys and urinary tract and bladder to make sure there wasn't more infection spreading there. That his tremor would get worse and he would need more help with feeding himself than just people occasionally having to cut up his food on bad days. That he'd need help clothing himself and bathing himself. More than he already did on his bad days. That eating and drinking would be challenging enough as he developed difficulties with swallowing and there'd have to be constant diligence. Or he'd have to have a feeding tube inserted. That he'd be in pain and strung out on medication to manage it. And he'd likely end up having to be placed in a care home or hospice where he was far younger than anyone else. And all this would be happening while his cognitive function was still there.

It sort of made you happy that Eth struggled so much with reading and reading comprehension. Because Jay sure as fuck didn't want the kid to be going online and reading about any of this shit. That he had to fucking pray – and he didn't do that much anymore – that his little know-it-all friend, Evan, didn't go reading up on M.S. and feeding Eth this information. Because the kid just didn't need to know it. Not know. He had enough on his plate and knew he was looking down enough of barrel in knowing he had a life of chronic illness ahead of him. He didn't need to have neatly laid out what it could look like – be like – when … if … it all just went to shit.

Because there was another fucking scary number attached to M.S. patients – and what showed up on their death certificates. That a lot of studies were showing that up to 13 percent of M.S. patients committed suicide. That M.S. patients had a suicide rate up to six times higher than the general population. And these were adults. Not some kid with brain damage that already affected how they processed thoughts and emotions and could be fucking volatile. Not teenagers who were volatile anyway. Not kids in high school struggling with bullying and fitting in. Not a kid who'd lost their mom and brother before they even hit fourteen. Not a kid who already struggled with anxiety and depression – and he had every reason too, because honestly Jay might be more concerned if Eth didn't have those labels with everything he'd already experienced in his life. And not a kid who still had to make it through at least forty years – hopefully more – of life where he had pain and tremor and nausea and fatigue and brain fog and urinary inconsistence and picking up every kind of little bug that went around and usually ending up in the hospital with it and had to deal with pills and injections and poking and prodding.

Jay didn't want to know what the figure was for kids who had M.S. and decided to take their own lives. He didn't want to cast those kind of thoughts toward Ethan. Instead, there was just this underlying reality that they had to remain vigilant. Watch for signs. And just try to make it better.

But how the fuck do you make any of it better? And sometimes all that was hard to resolve in your head too. Because a lot of the times – now – he was label to look passed Eth's illness. He was able to frame him as a kid and a teenager. A middle schooler who was going to be a Freshman in the fall. A kid who wanted to be active and ride his bike and play ball. A kid who fished and wanted to be outside every chance he got. A kid who had interests and aspirations. And sometimes it was easier to just think about all of that. Because then it was easier to treat him like a kid. To get pissed at him and to tell him off when he was being a fucking brat. When he was being an obnoxious kid. To just treat him normal.

But he wasn't normal. And his life wasn't going to look normal. And by extension, Jay knew that by buying into his relationship with Erin, he'd bought into this. He'd signed up for it. And that was hard. Because he couldn't fix this any better than she could. Or Voight could. He couldn't save Eth. And that was hard. It fucking hurt.

So instead you had to try to make it better. Something that you really couldn't. So instead you did what Erin did that afternoon. You spotted the signs that he was awful. You made judgments about how off he was and what it meant. And then you just did what you could. And some days – a lot of days – that was just sitting with him on the couch and holding him. Just fucking being there.

It seemed to be that mantra of that family. Be there for them. And maybe that was something that Jay hadn't had at home either. But it was something he wanted to be now. That he could be now. For Eth. And for Erin. And for the family they made.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: More diarrhea. Getting closer to where this chapter had been intended to go.**

 **Reviews, feedback and comments are appreciated.**


	39. Alone Together

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

 **THIS CHAPTER IS A DIRECT CONTINUATION OF THE CHAPTER IMMEDIATELY BEFORE THIS — BE THERE.**

They'd eventually cajoled Eth into moving outside. He hadn't really put up much of a fuss but hadn't seemed too interested either. But the offer of cracking open the Lego set to see what it involved seemed to pique some of his interest. Or maybe it was more the fact that he was in his cuddle mode – or was hurting enough and aware enough himself that he was just off that day – that he didn't want to be left in the house alone and was willing to trail after them. Just to be near the adults.

Still, it'd been a decent way to put in some time. Lego. Spring sunshine. A deck. Beer in hand.

That beer, though, had been another clue that Erin's family – Voight – were actually marking the day as his day. Another just … strange reality. This little clicking mechanism going on in his head about the way shit had changed and how far they'd come. And him weighing how he felt about that. What it meant. While trying not to show physically that it was affecting him in any way. Trying to not even show he was thinking about it. Trying to … not so much be distance or aloof, though maybe he was. But it was more he was trying to … not be awkward. Because even though there were things he really more than liked about … having what seemed like a pretty normal dysfunctional family to him … he also didn't really know how to be that. How to function in it. He didn't really know what part he was supposed to have or play in all of it. Even though he knew he had a fucking part. And a fucking role.

But maybe that was strange.

Because Voight rarely drank beer. Jay had seen him have a pop while he grilled a handful of times the past couple summers. But it was abundantly clear that Voight usually reached for his whiskey, rye or bourdon. In that order. And had designated meals – and meats – where wine was the go-to option.

It was this other strange message about the guy. That on the exterior he looked a certain way. He had a certain type of job. That he lived in this specific neighborhood. That he projected this certain persona. But as much as he was that guy – that stereotype – he wasn't.

The guy had some quiet sophistication to him. This bit of culture. This fucking open-mindedness and even sort of a liberal artsy side that you more than caught glimpses of when you were allowed into his life. He wasn't just a working man. And he wasn't apologetic about that. Just like everything else in Voight's life – he didn't give much explanation. He didn't really give a shit what you thought about it. He did things his way. And lives his life his way. And that was it.

And somewhere in there was the message that even if he was – working-class, middle-income, Chicago cop – it didn't mean you had to live and be a certain way. He'd learned some of that with Olinsky too.

It was just another change from what he'd grown up around. They didn't try to hide who they were or what they'd grown up as or the ways they were raising their family – where. They didn't try to be more or less than their job. They lived and died by their jobs. But they also didn't let where they'd lived – or grown-up – or what they did define who they were.

Being a cop in Chicago, living in the Near West on the outskirts of the Italian Village – being working class – didn't mean you couldn't be more. Be interested in more. Have taste. Have culture. Have thoughts and experiences and opinions and ways of going about doing things that went beyond some angry, bitter, working-class grunt.

You could still be true to yourself. And didn't need to offer any apologies for it. Or try to be something different to give you reason to like what you liked or be what and who were you were.

And Jay fucking liked that.

It was transparent. He liked that's how Voight lived his life. Even though he had grey areas and made choices that Jay didn't like quite as much. But he did like that his life wasn't all some optical illusion. It wasn't living some lie and being fucking angry with others for having more than you. Or for wanting more than you. Or less. It wasn't dragging people down for being what and who they were. Placing unfounded expectations on them about what and who you wanted them to be.

And Jay had never been the what and who his father wanted to be. Will had tried a whole lot harder than him to be that what and who and had still fallen short. Because it was an unbeatable test. It was the fucking Kobayashi Maru. And it was bullshit.

He'd stopped trying. Long ago. And he'd told himself he stopped caring. Because his dad didn't get him. And didn't want to get him. and he likely never would.

So he'd shaped himself the way he wanted. Or at least he'd shaped himself the way life had shaped him and he'd fought with it and against it a long the way. For better or worse. So maybe he still was a fucking angry, working-class white man. But he also wasn't. He knew that. He wasn't ashamed of being Irish Catholic in Chicago. He wasn't ashamed of being born in Canaryville. It didn't bother him that he'd grown up in Bridgeport. He was OK with the fact that he'd flunked his way through high school so badly – because he stopped trying and stopped caring while still in his freshman year – that his only real option after Senior Year was the Army. He mind that he was one of those guys. He didn't feel the need to talk about honor and valor. He'd had a job and he'd done it. And he'd done it again for another tour until he couldn't do it anymore. And for best or worse he'd made his way through it and tried to figure out how to cope with it. And didn't have qualms about having managed to clean up his life enough that the only option that still made any sense was the police – and the academic exemption he got with his military service. He didn't care that he knew he sometimes went off the handle on his own. That he likely would be accused of police brutality. But he couldn't be accused of not caring.

So if that meant that he was just another cracker from Chicago's white ghetto – the Back of the Yards – than that's fine. He could deal with that label. Even if he was more. And he could be more and still like his beer too. Even if he'd developed a taste for some Johnny Walker.

And he was liking his beer that afternoon. But there was that realization to it too that it probably wasn't Erin who'd stocked the fridge in the basement. Had bought a case. It'd been Voight.

Voight – who Jay was pretty sure had previously only bothered to buy a case to have in the fridge when his oldest son was going to be home for a few days. But that day – and no days in the future – it hadn't been purchased because Justin was gracing them with his appearance. It'd been because they – him and Erin - were going to be over that afternoon. That he was going to be there that afternoon. And because having a beer with some smoked ribs – having a beer while sitting in the sunshine was a pretty good excuse to put one back. But Jay didn't think there'd been booze in the house purchased for him before. And he knew too there was some sort of unspoken commentary in that.

Maybe he needed to have another beer. Because he likely needed the beer to mellow a tiny bit more.

If not for what he was slowly and quietly processing then for supervising Eth putting together the Jedi Starfighter Lego set. If he'd had to help Eth put together the two little free builds at the Lego store, he'd pretty much single-handedly almost had to take over putting together the Yoda ship he'd picked out while they sat out there on the deck.

Eth had tried to help a bit. But his hands and fingers were just hopping. And it was pretty clear that his eyes weren't working quite right that day. And even though Eth hadn't really said much to acknowledge it was happening – or just how much it was bothering him or just how bad his symptoms were beyond the obvious tremor – you could see the frustrated glaze in the eyes. And Jay knew Hank and Erin saw it too. He'd heard both of them drop "sweetheart" at Eth that afternoon, squeezing his shoulder, caressing his cheek, checking his forehead and gripping at his bouncing hand. The only other times he'd heard that pet name roll off their tongues had been when Eth was in the hospital – and it'd bee scary. More scary in that Erin had disclosed that it was the phrasing that Camille had used when dealing with all her kids. And there was some underlying message in that too. And maybe a bigger statement about just how much they were all quietly worrying about Eth that day – or week, or month. Though, maybe it wouldn't be so quietly when Eth was out of ear shot. Maybe it hadn't been so quietly if Erin had already talked to Hank and been assured that he was calling the kid's neuro on Monday and trying to get him in ASAP.

But Eth wasn't letting on he was thinking about or concerned about any of that in that moment. He seemed more urgently interested in getting the model together. And in another telling give-away in just how he was feeling, getting it together was more important that who exactly was putting it together. When usually even with his tremor and him needing some help with the smaller and fidgety pieces, he still was militant about wanting to do it himself. That it was his set and his model and his build. Not that day. But Jay still tried to respect his usual protests – even if Eth wasn't presenting them that afternoon – and picked away at helping him get each piece where it belonged rather than just doing it outright for him. Going real slow and steady.

And, again even with them sitting out at that patio table, Voight had basically just given them space.

That was the other almost weird thing about spending any time at Erin's family's place. It was like they could manage to be together while also just giving each other the space to do their own thing. Family time without being in each other's faces.

Their definition of spending time together was just so different than what Jay had grown up with too. Not that his family had really spent time together. If anything they spent time ignoring each other. Actively ignoring each other and avoiding each other. Retreating to their separate spaces in the house. Or just not coming home. But that wasn't the Voights.

Erin said that it was the whole rules about how much time was allowed upstairs and in the bedrooms and no closed doors thing. And it probably was. To a point.

If you weren't allowed to be in your bedroom, there wasn't exactly many other options in Voight's place besides the front room. Jay could see how everyone just got used to being in each other's presence but letting each other do their own thing. But there was reason behind it. He could tell. Because it'd also just fucking positioned you to interact with each other. To talk to each other. To acknowledge each other. To get off your ass and help each other. To be aware of the other people in the house – even if you were burying yourself in something else at that particular moment. He supposed it sort of exposed you to the other people's interests and likes too. And maybe forced you to participate in them - or at least acknowledge them - in some way too. To become more tolerant of them. Accepting. And that was something he'd come to like and appreciate too.

That you could be together but alone. But it didn't really feel like alone but together. There was a family in that house. That worked even for all the ways it just didn't fucking work.

Voight was just coming over and sitting at the table now and then that afternoon. Would work on his own drink. Would gaze at them working on the Lego. Or gaze at Ethan's shaking hands and unstoppable piano-playing fingers. And then shift his attention to just watching the smoke and heat radiating off his barbecue.

Erin had been puttering in the kitchen for a bit – he assumed trying to figure out how to make icing based on the noise – but then had come out along with Bear. Apparently Erin – and the possibility of spilled food – had won out for a bit, which was a rarity when it came to that dog and Eth.

He'd followed right after her, though, as she'd just curled right up in the porch swing. That had gotten a bit of a forlorn look from the dog. Clearly he'd expected a bit more out of her. But she didn't seem to notice or care. Her nose was in the book Voight had handed her again. And the dog eventually settled himself beside Eth instead – gazing at the fumbled Lego pieces like they might constitute some kind of edible treat.

And once again the lot of them were together but doing their own thing. But it was nice. Jay liked it. A lot.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: Please check back later tonight or tomorrow (i.e. before the 24 hour mark), as I think I will likely complete this extended scene tonight or tomorrow morning and will post it.**

 **Your reviews, comments and feedback are appreciated.**


	40. Mindfulness

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

 **THIS CHAPTER IS A DIRECT CONTINUATION OF THE CHAPTER IMMEDIATELY BEFORE THIS — ALONE TOGETHER.**

 *****THE CHAPER BEFORE THIS WAS ADDED TONIGHT AS WELL. PLEASE GO BACK AND MAKE SURE YOU DIDN'T MISS IT*****

Apparently the book Voight had handed Erin had grabbed her. But Jay had learned that about Erin. After she found a book she liked, she'd get lost in it. There wasn't much point in trying to pull her out of its spell. It was better to just let her plough through. And she would. Usually pretty quick depending on what they had on the go on the job that week or what their caseload was like.

But even when work and a case were shit, she still seemed to take her little sanity breaks. She'd been doing it more since the whole … Justin thing. He was pretty sure her therapist had told her to. She likely needed to. He could understand that. He likely should do more of that too. Most people probably should. Or at least cops. In ways that didn't involve liquor.

But Erin, that winter - since the New Year, since settling into the house, since dealing with the Bunny brouhaha and the whole "here's your father who's not your father" bullshit and fall out – she'd really seemed to be working on taking sanity breaks. Mental health stuff. And just finding time and space for herself in a different way than what Jay had seen in her in his first years of getting to know her. Likely much better and much healthier ways. Likely more age appropriate ways.

One of her sanity – self-care – periods in the day seemed to be the morning. She often didn't roll out of bed at the same time as him. And it was likely about 70/30 in terms of them catching a ride into District together.

She liked to be getting out of bed around the time he was up and dressed and headed out the door. And he didn't really mind. Because they spent all day at work together. They spent most evenings together. They slept together. A lot of their days off-sked were together.

Jay got just needing some individual time and space in their lives. Because he fucking needed that too. He was a private person too. He just needed to … be sometimes too.

And beyond all that, neither of them were exactly morning people. He had his own morning routine. She had hers. And they just got on with it. They'd see each other at work in a couple hours. They'd talk there. They'd talk that night. They didn't need to be in each other's faces right when they got up. Didn't need to occupy each other's every waking moment. They weren't that needy. Or clingy.

Besides, she liked her own bathroom time. And he liked avoiding the reminders of what a messy person she was. What kind of disaster she could leave in her wake – especially in the bathroom.

For a woman who really wasn't that fucking girly – she sure knew how to make a bathroom look like she'd spent hours in their perfecting her hair and make-up – when he knew she didn't really invest much time in either. At least not for work's sake. But he also knew he really didn't want to – or need to – see the rituals she had that left their master en suite as such a disaster zone.

Just like he didn't need to see how she loved to hang over the sink in the morning eating her plain buttered toast rather than dirtying a plate. But he'd take her hanging over the sink (though not rinsing it – never, not in the bathroom or the kitchen) over when she'd hang over the counter – and not tidy up the crumbs. Because she liked to do that too. While she stared out their kitchen window at whatever it was she stared at in the morning. People coming and going to work and school, he supposed.

Cars leaving their little townhome community. Kids taking off to school. People walking their dogs over to the park. Runners and joggers and stroller-ize moms headed out for their morning exercise or to the community center and its gym and pool and basketball and tennis courts.

It was all another sort of surreal reminder to both of them that … they had moved up in the world. From where they'd spent their early childhoods. For him even from where he'd been living – and how – since being back stateside. And for her – even though it wasn't as sparkling and new as her condo development, this was a family community. It had a different feel than the upper income, up-and-comer Millennials that were trying too hard to be showy, that lived in the gentrified area that Erin had thought was a smart place to buy a condo. And he supposed it was. At least in investment terms. Or at least that was the hope. That's what their real estate agent and guy at the bank seemed to be telling them. If and when they ever got around to her letting the place go or collecting some real rent on it.

Mornings with Erin – with her lack of morning cheeriness - had used to be for coffee too. Copious amounts of coffee. The one she'd have before she left the house and the one she stopped to pick up on the way into the bullpen too. Though, that seemed to have calmed a bit lately.

He'd noticed. Just like he noticed rather than coffee she was now always sipping on fucking peppermint tea or fucking hot lemon water or ginger root. It was fucking strange. For her. Either his lifestyle choices and dietary options that she previously mocked were rubbing off on her or Olive's granola-crunch was. Or there was some sort of pre-pregnancy planning that involved herbal teas and hot water that he apparently should be Googling to fully understand. He'd have to get on that.

Whatever she arrived with though, she still made a beeline for the break room, centering herself more in there too with her little sugar ritual before she came to her desk and the reality that relentlessly awaited them in the bullpen.

Lately she usually snuck in at least a twenty-minute "lunch break" at some point in the day too. She never wanted to talk much then. Even if they were grabbing lunch together. It was another period of the day that was clearly designated as her time.

She'd read whatever she was reading that day or week. If there wasn't a book she was toting around with her, then she sat still staring at a print edition of the newspaper in the break room or at the diner. And if that wasn't available, then she was scrolling through stuff on her phone. Though, she'd also been trying to break her phone habit lately – to the point that she was getting critical of him if he got buried in his while they were sharing the same space and time together.

They'd implemented a bit of a no personal phone policy at home in the evenings after a certain hour to try to avoid … becoming one of those couples. Phone zombies. Lost in the inter-webs. Falling down some sort of Googling time warp. Not watching they had on the TV or acknowledging the other person in the room. Not enjoying the time you had with them. Just fucking tapping at random crap in the never-ending void that was the Internet anymore.

He didn't think them taking some time-out from their personal phones – or at least shutting off the data and the apps – was a bad thing. There was something to be said about unplugging and disconnecting for a bit. There was something to be said about sharing the space with the people you were with in a more actively inactive way that couldn't truly be achieved if you had a phone in your hand. And it was kind of like … that's what being at Voight's house was too. It was this kind of timewarp in terms of technology and streaming and wifi. Maybe it was why they could achieve that alone but together state. Maybe that's why as awkward as being there could be – or frustrating – there was also something sort of calming about it. It was this sort of dead zone. A way to check out of their day-to-day realities for a little bit. Or at least a good two-thirds of them – if they were lucky.

Mindfulness in the moment. Or a space where you could be mindful? It was another thing that Erin had been starting to gravitate toward too. Something that his own shrink had talked to him. Mindfulness. Not just fucking compartmentalization.

With Erin part of that was when she took her work bathroom breaks anymore, she seemed to be taking a bit longer than before. And that she actually took them more than once a day with her previous bladder of iron. He'd made some sort of flippant remark about it once. Just teasing. But she'd got riled up a bit. It was sort of how they got talking about the mindfulness thing.

She'd said that sometimes that the only quiet time she really got at work was those few minutes in the can. That it gave her a chance to do some of these breathing exercises. Add it to the list of things he'd noticed her doing. And not just her – he'd seen Ethan doing them.

To calm anxiety. To breath in and hold your breath and breath out slowly. In through the nose and out through the mouth. With long deep breaths and even longer holds. A similar technique that had been brought up at his own PTSD therapy. To center yourself. To ground yourself. To try to come back to reality when you were spinning out. To mediate and focus. To just feel the fucking ground beneath your feet and air in your lungs for a moment.

But that was the thing. Erin was trying to learn to mediate. Or at least this mindfulness stuff. She had some app on her phone and she did her little 10 minutes a day to try to keep her head on straight. She mostly did it in the morning – to start off her day – so he was only getting exposed to it so much. He'd only really gotten brought in on that being part of her little morning situation and sanity time and self-care recently. Just like he'd only recently admitted to her that his nights where he was presumably disappearing to the boxing gym or Will's to watch a game – he wasn't.

He was going to PTSD group. It'd been a tough disclosure. But one that had needed to be made. Because he'd been starting to really feel like he was lying to her. Like he was living some sort of double life. Like he was trying to go back undercover when he knew what that had done to him. And he'd seen the kind of damage that lying to your spouse did. It never ended in a good way. And for all the things he was cautious with telling her about. For how many walls he still had up and how he still treasured his privacy and how there were just things – he'd done, that had happened – he wasn't ready to talk about yet. But he'd never lied to her before. Not outright. And he wasn't going to start with something where he was … trying to be better. And not just be better for himself. To be better for her.

He'd been afraid he'd be pissed. Pissed at him for having not told her. Pissed at him for going and talking to a group of guys about stuff that he couldn't talk about with her – yet. Pissed that he still wouldn't let her help him in some areas – and maybe he never would. But even though there'd been a flicker of her – both for him and for her, and for them – in her eyes, she hadn't gotten angry. They hadn't fought. And she hadn't all out shutdown on him or shut him out. Rather she'd admitted that she'd been going to some sort of yoga mediation thing and Pilates.

She'd said it'd come up at the family therapy. More for Ethan. And she'd somehow cajoled Eth into going into a couple of the yoga classes at RIC. His physical therapists had been trying to get him to do it for ages and his therapists were now all about it as a bit of an attempt at a stress and anxiety buster.

It hadn't really worked for him. He was too self-conscious and too much of a teenaged boy to be that open to it. But Erin had been allowed to participate in the sessions and had gotten something out of it – so she'd been going when she could – once or twice a week - to some classes on her own at a place that also had Pilates. She'd decided she wanted to try that too. And had. It wasn't her going to the boxing gym or spin class or jogging that had completely ripped her core that winter – it'd been that. She just hadn't to tell him because she knew he'd have some little remark about yoga. And she was right. He probably would've. But he also knew despite any kind of teasing jab he'd cast her way, he wouldn't have cared. Not if it was helping her – physically, mentally, emotionally. And she clearly felt it was. And that was what mattered. That was what was important.

Though, the whole thing – their little disclosures to each other - had maybe shown that they were still a little self-conscious about how the other perceived them. That they didn't tell each other everything. They kept parts of themselves to themselves. That maybe they both still had some embarrassment about who they were and what they were. Maybe they still kept up certain fronts for each other to a point. Maybe it was just another small indication of the walls they had and the walls they still had to keep working at breaking down. But at the same time, it'd also just shown … they were both … trying to be better.

And Jay thought that was allowed. They were allowed to work on who they were as individuals. He thought that maybe that'd make them better as a couple.

And it was like somehow … letting the other person be their own person gave them the space to be together. And to just enjoy space and time together without smothering the person too. That he still felt like he was getting the whole day with her – the afternoon with her – sitting there at her dad's place, screwing around with her little brother while she buried herself in a book. And he liked that. All of it.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: The chapter immediately before this (Alone Together) was posted earlier tonight. Please make sure you didn't miss it.**

 **Please check back later tonight or tomorrow (i.e. before the 24 hour mark), as I think I will likely complete this extended scene tonight or tomorrow morning and will post it.**

 **Your reviews, comments and feedback are appreciated (on both chapters and/or the scene/Jay's POV as a whole).**

 **I think I'm dragging this out with Jay in both trying to figure out how I feel about this AU and where the character might be within the series and with how to play out the next events.**

 **I have an idea for a Jay/Erin, Jay/Hank and Erin/Ethan chapter(s) set around the S4 finale but casting it differently.**

 **However, I also have a Hank/Ethan scene I am thinking about right now. And with it being Father's Day weekend, part of me is sort of thinking about maybe doing something with that as a bit of a break. Though, I'm not sure what as I don't think it would be a "happy" period for the family.**


	41. Family Presence

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

 **THIS CHAPTER IS A DIRECT CONTINUATION OF THE CHAPTER IMMEDIATELY BEFORE THIS — MINDFULNESS.**

 *****THE TWO CHAPTERS IMMEDIATELY BEFORE THIS — ALONE TOGETHER AND MINDFULNESS — WERE ADDED LAST NIGHT. THERE WASN'T A DOUBLE BUMP. PLEASE GO BACK AND MAKE SURE YOU DIDN'T MISS IT*****

Jay could tell Voight liked it too. The together time. The family time. That the guy just … thrived on the quiet times where people filled that house. Or his life.

Jay had been working on trying to lie to himself in convincing himself that this really was just a dry run for summer barbecue season. That they'd gotten some decent spring weather and that Voight had likely been jonesing all winter to get back in front of his grill. Jay knew he'd been waiting pretty much for the day they put a down payment on the townhouse to get a barbecue and start taking their rooftop terrace patio balcony thing for a spin.

Though, admittedly turning that desire and anticipation into Erin's birthday present the week before had been a bit of a bust. He likely should've known better. But he just thought she'd been waiting for it as much as him. They'd been talking about it a lot. More since spring and summer gear started going up for sale. The little space on their rooftop and the concept of getting to flake out up there in summer nights and breezes had pretty much been a major selling point to that townhouse. And then they'd been talking about having everyone back at their place after Eth's kickball and skills competition fundraiser. It seemed like a pretty decent time to get a barbecue.

And maybe it'd been a decent time to get a barbecue. But he definitely should've known to have something less … outdoor kitchen appliance-like … for her too. Though, he thought she'd pretty much gotten over it. And she was already liking having it too. Kind of like the flatscreen that she claimed she hadn't seen the need for in the house but sure spent a whole lot of time watching with him.

So maybe it'd been easy to try to pretend that this afternoon was just an excuse for Voight to use his barbecue. To just go back to Erin's repeated affirmations that when Voight's wife had still been alive that they'd been a lot more social. That they'd have other families and couples over. That they lived for summer and time on their deck and backyard barbecues. But who didn't in Chicago? Not matter how hot and muggy it got, you really couldn't beat a summer on the lake – even if it involved living in an urban center or in poverty or near poverty in it. Maybe that was the beauty of it. No matter your income level or background, you could still have that fantasized summer life, lake life of beaches and park space and trawling along the lakeshore on foot or on your bike when you grew up in the Windy City.

Maybe that was part of what had brought him back there. Even with the places he'd been. The other countries and cities he'd seen – in the States and abroad, there still was something to be said for Chicago. There was still a whole fucking lot to be said for it. And even with all the memories and baggage that existed there – it was home.

And, he could appreciate Voight's need to be home. To stay where he'd made a home. Where his parents had made him a home. Where he'd raised his kids. Where he'd been married and set up house with his wife. And where he still kept his grill going in their small backyard – just like Jay intended to have his barbecue going at the townhouse. Just like he knew that not having a backyard would suck a bit – but that the rooftop space made up for it a little and the way they only had to walk a couple hundred feet to have an entire park at their disposal. At any future kids' disposal. Where they could be sitting up high enough that they could almost pretend they could still smell the lake water and feel the breeze.

But that fantasy was about as unreal – presently – as his little story he was telling himself that this was just a spring barbecue. That maybe it was some sort of dry run for Eth's Confirmation or birthday or grad. Though, all of those Eth had maintained he definitely didn't want a party. But he still would likely would want barbecue. But, as the day went on he just became more and more clear that this wasn't just some sort of lax excuse for some smoked ribs. That it actually was about Jay. And that was strange in his own right.

Maybe stranger still – again – in knowing that Voight was in his element. That he looked at ease and happy too. As much as Voight ever did. But Jay knew it was likely was because people were getting along. They were all together and they were getting along. And that "just want everyone to get along" had been a mantra he'd heard out of Voight's mouth – or repeated by Erin – in the couple years he'd been kicking around. And Jay wasn't sure that had worked out too well until recently. Until there was someone missing. Another person missing. And that they'd all had enough time and space to at least start working through that as best they could. Maybe as best they were would or could be expected to.

But they were doing OK. Becaue they were getting along. There wasn't any big conflict or to-do about it. There wasn't any tension. Not that afternoon. And Jay knew that that had been a long time coming.

And even though they were on better terms now that Hank and Erin still had their moments. But whatever they'd worked through in therapy – as a family, which Erin really only told him so much about and anything he did get told usually just involved Eth – had gotten them back on a playing field that at least seemed to look sort of familiar to the one they'd been on before the shit had hit the fan when Justin had gotten himself killed.

Jay actually thought Bunny and the Jimmy thing had done a lot of … fixing Erin and Hank's relationship too. It'd forced them to have some pretty real and frank conversations. He'd again only been given glimpses of them – and Erin's side of what had been said and what she'd taken away from it. But it'd made them look each other in the eyes and say some shit and go over some topics that were likely sixteen-plus years in the making. Conversations that were probably more than long over due.

Too bad the same thing couldn't be said for what it'd done for Erin and Bunny's relationship. Because as much as that whole fucking scam had shattered Erin. Again. And as much as she'd said that was it for her relationship with Bunny. It wasn't. She was too forgiving of that woman. For reasons that Jay couldn't comprehend no matter how much he tried to force himself to.

It was fucking hard for him to understand how Erin could still let herself define Bunny as her mother. Even harder on afternoons like that when Voight was only taking breaks from being up on the deck with them to go back down in the yard with Bear at his heel and work at dumping all this newly purchased dirt into these clearly custom-made and maintained flower boxes that lined the one side of the fence. When the guy was working weeks in advance to get ready to plant flowers and a garden for a woman who wasn't even there anymore. But for the real woman who'd actually raised Erin.

But those weren't post-birthday conversations to have. On a good day. They were actually only conversations they had if he was prepared for it to end in a fight. To get the cold shoulder – for days. To get told off. Because she never much wanted to hear his perspective on Bunny. He got the sense that his option was hated at an even harsher level than Voight's.

Eventually Olive and Henry had arrived. They'd come in the back gate and Henry was already going a million miles an hour to Grandpa. And again that different – softer – side came out of Voight. That working on the gardening and watching the grill got set aside and he shifted right into getting the sandbox lid pulled off and the plastic bin with all the sand toys out of the shed for the kid. Though, Henry was more interested in the lid that had been turned into a busy board for the toddler. Another custom-made project when the sandbox was already a custom-made project.

And that was just the thing with Voight. The guy couldn't sit still. He didn't seem to like sitting still. Idle hands. He preached that too.

He always had fucking little projects and chores and errands on the go. And if he didn't – then it meant he was doing the job. Working a case. Working his contacts. Working all of them.

But at home – it was different. It was a switch. Home, he was home. And him and Eth were always up to something on their days together.

Busy board sandbox lid had been one of those somethings. All these little fasteners and bits of hardware collected and screwed onto this piece of board was just the latest … thing .. they'd done together. Just this other little thing that someone managed to put Voight up on that pedestal with his own kid and with his grandkid. But another way that just showed that the things the guy did – projects, chores, errands – they were all just family focused. Everything came back to family. That was Voight's pedestal. And maybe it was what gave him the right to have Henry and Eth putting him up on some kind of pedestal.

And Jay … as much as he didn't want to emulate Voight … he wanted to learn to emulate that. Family first. Family always. He thought he could. He knew he could.

Henry was lost in the board instantly. Who fucking knew latches and hooks and chains and old hinges and light switches that did nothing but flick and padlocks and little pieces of knotted rope could be so absorbing. But apparently they were when you were almost two. And apparently Voight – who'd raised three kids – knew that too.

It'd freed up Olive and she always seemed appreciative to get even a couple minutes without a toddler directly under her foot. Like sometimes overly appreciative. Like she still felt that she had a lot to make up for. And maybe she did. And maybe she didn't. Been a process there too for Jay. Separating her – and Henry – from Justin. And just accepting that they'd been through a pretty devastating loss and loss made you do fucked up things. Sometimes it made you run hard and far. He'd been there. So he could understand. And even if he wasn't entirely ready to forgive and forget with his own family – at least Erin's family was showing him that to have that functional dysfunctionality, sometimes you just needed to let water be under the bridge. To move fucking on and work with what was there now. So they were. On her side of the whole family dynamic thing.

Olive had brought her meal offerings into the house and talked at him and Erin for a bit. Eth decided they were fucking boring and had wobbled down to join his dad and nephew. A clear ploy by Hank because not long after Eth had settled into the sandbox and attracted Henry's attention, he'd bailed out on playing in that dirt to switch back to his own.

And that had just been the way it'd been until dinner. Just a casual movement of people. Their fucking … mish-mashed … family? … putting in the time. Moving from chores that didn't much feel like chores to people to just spending time together. Until the food was ready to go on the table and they'd moved inside and sat down to a feast. Until Jay had stuffed himself and had truly felt sated in a way he liked even if he didn't completely understand.

"Time for presents?" Ethan had asked, as Jay slouched back in his chair, gripping Erin's hand.

The chair he felt a little silly sitting in since it had a fucking helium police car tied to it and a happy birthday balloon. But that had pretty much made him the favorite person for Henry to be crawling around on when he'd decided he'd had enough of his "dino bones" that his Grandpa kept encouraging him to pack away.

The kid had done a decent job. He'd put away two and shoved a couple of his mom's devilled eggs in his mouth – and up his nose – too. As well as gnawed on a pickle and cucumbers. But if it hadn't been for confining him to the high chair - that he really hated to be confined in anymore – the kid wouldn't have likely eaten at all. Because he definitely wanted to be on Jay's lap. Not to sit with him. To stand on top of him and grab at the ribbons on the balloons yanking them down until they were bopping into his and Erin's head – or Henry's own face.

But Jay also sort of liked having the seat. He wasn't sure he'd ever gotten helium balloons on his birthday before. Seemed kind of fucking absurd to bother to start getting them as a grown man. But at the same time he knew two things: 1) Erin had started taking balloons rather seriously since Nadia died. So it'd been her who'd got them and it meant something to her. It was important. And 2) It had become tradition. Quickly. And with Eth – the Voights – tradition, and being someone invited to take part in them, meant something.

Just like it had meant a whole fucking lot to him that Erin had tried to keep up his mom's tradition of chocolate cake from scratch for his birthday. Not that it'd tasted anything like his mom's. But his fiancée had made it. She'd tried and it'd turned out half-decently. Definitely edible. He'd liked it. And that was all that mattered. And

Erin making him chocolate cake layered with jam, iced with butter cream frosting and decorated with strawberries. He could take doing that for the rest of the birthdays he got to put down in the books. He'd like that to be a new tradition. It would be.

"I think I already got my presents," Jay said. Because he had. He really had.

But Ethan gestured at this fucking pile – literal pile – of gifts that had gotten moved off the table to the china cabinet hutch to make space for the food. Then the kid gazed at it and reached and picked a small package and handed it to him.

"That's from me and Dad," he said.

Jay gave the kid a thin smile and reached to accept it. "Thought the Lego set was from you and your dad."

And it was. Eth had been excited to get to urge him to pick a set. Jay had sort of resisted. To the point that Eth had gone and picked up the motorcycle kit he'd been staring at for a year of these Microfighter outings.

"This one," Ethan had said. Wasn't a question. It was a clear statement. It was what was going to be purchased. Undisputedly.

And at that point, Jay had only so much. Because he'd admit he'd developed some Lego envy over the past year. There were some fucking cool sets – and nothing like the sets they'd had when he was growing up. Not that they'd had a lot of Lego in the house as kids. Still, he'd picked out a kit that was within reason – which could be hard to do when it came to Lego prices – because Eth had been just as proud about spending some of his allowance money on it as a birthday gift. Though, he'd acknowledged that his dad had given him some cash to help with the purchase too.

It'd been a little weird to let Eth spend his allowance money on him. Or to accept that Voight had handed the kid a twenty to help out – if he picked something at the store or to pick up the tab for lunch. But there was something … he didn't know. He knew how Voight was with money. He knew how he was training Eth to be with money. And just how Eth was with his savings and how he spent his allowance. But he'd somehow … passed some sort of muster. He'd gotten onto the list of … acceptable expenses.

Ethan shrugged. "This is too," he provided.

Jay allowed a little sound and cast Erin a look but she just shrugged. Reality was that between the food and the beer and the Lego – Voight had already spent more than a decent amount on him. More than he would've expected Voight to drop on him. Really more than he would've expected his own parents to drop on him back in the day. But not opening it or putting up more protest would be … offensive. And as much as he didn't mind occasionally butting heads with Voight, he also didn't see why this should be one of the things they got into it about.

So he just opened the package and gazed at the Fisher Space Pen box he held in his hand.

He just stared. Because it'd been something he'd looked at when they were down in the gift shops at the Space Center in Florida. It'd been a purchase he'd considered making then. It'd been a purchase he'd sort of always wanted to make but never really had found reason to justify dropping that kind of dough on a pen. It wasn't like it was the kind of pen that cost your left nut. But still, with the kind of job he had, even though he took care of his things, he didn't really want to risk losing a forty-dollar pen. So he'd found more reasons and excuses to never buy one more than he'd found to get one. No matter how much he thought he might like one. No matter how little boy cool and man and job practical it might be.

He glanced at Erin. But she shook her head. She hadn't said anything to Voight.

Maybe Ethan had? Because he'd been by his side when he was looking at them at the KSC. And even if it had been Ethan who'd told Voight – it'd been this little brain-damaged thirteen-year-old kid who'd remembered.

"It's like astronauts use," Ethan provided – maybe confirming that.

"From the Space Center?" Jay arced his eyebrow at him.

Eth sputtered a bit. "Well, no. It's not like a Space Center one. It's here. But it's still lit, right? It's basically the same. Can write in Zero-G. Like even upside down."

Hank just gave a smack at that. "Ink don't freeze in the cold," he said. "So maybe you can cut it out with the penciled in chicken scratch you hand me."

Jay made a small face at the jab. But also accepted it was what it was. It was Voight.

"You like it?" Eth asked eagerly.

"Yea, I've been wanting one of these," he allowed and flipped open the box to look at it. "Than—" But he stopped and stared at it again. Maybe too abruptly because Erin leaned forward to look at it too and cast Voight a look. He'd gotten it engraved. His name monographed there. He looked up at the guy. Not sure what to say.

"Man should have a good pen," Voight allowed. "Especially on this job."

"Thank you," Jay managed and looked back down at it. Still not really sure what to say. How to act. As much as he thought he was getting Voight figured out. This family thing figured out. How to act. How to function. How to be normal within its structure. Sometimes he just knew he didn't have a fucking clue. At all.

Olive must've sensed it too. Maybe she understood the awkward just as much. Or more. Because she leaned over and retrieved a gift and called Henry over from where he was busy petting Bear with his icing fingers.

Bear didn't seem too upset by that. He was trying to lick the stuff on the kid's hands and face. And when Henry did manage to succeed in petting him – the dog was only using that as an excuse to let his tongue hang out of his mouth in an attempt to get the residual sticky sweetness off his coat.

"Henry, you want to give Jay his birthday present?" she wagged the gift at him.

"Bif-day," the toddler agreed and sort of listened to his mom. Or at least he moved to grab at the present. Though, that seemed to be to start ripping the paper off himself.

"Henry," Olive sighed at him and tried to stop his grabs at the ripped up paper.

"H!" Ethan said the most firmly he'd managed all day, "it's Jay's birthday! Not yours!"

Olive managed to wrangle the gift out of Henry's hands and hand it to Jay. "Sorry," she muttered and draw the little boy closer to her as he wailed some protest about having been chastised and having the present ripped out of his hands.

"It's OK," Jay said and gave a playful frown at the boy. He settled the gift into his lap and reached for the kid – Olive handing him over. "Let's stop it with the crying," he said as he drew the toddler to him, Erin already reaching to swipe away his tears and start to calm his sputtering. "You can help me open it."

He put what was left of the unwrapped package on the table and tapped at it, adjusting Henry on his lap and placing his hands there so they could peel away the last of the paper together.

"Ball!" Henry had shrieked and grabbed at the box even more as the paper came off.

Jay only allowed a small amused sound and worked at peeling the rest of the wrapping off as Henry worked to pull the packaging more firmly away from him – clearly claiming the item for himself. It was a kick-ball set – MLB branded – and complete with the bases.

"What is it?" Eth leaned across the table.

"Henry likes so much when you take him to the park to play with your soccer ball when he visits," Olive allowed to Jay shyly.

Erin smiled at that offering and turned in her chair to gaze off into the front room where Henry had run after being set down – taking the whole box with him. Flopping it on the couch and gazing at it, only to pick it up and run back into the dining room with it to show to them again.

"Ball!" he told them.

"Can I see it Henry?" Erin asked and took the set from him, only to get shrieked at a bit more. She only read it for a moment, before giving it back to him. They were definitely trying to avoid pre-bedtime meltdowns. It was more than pushing Henry's witching hour. Probably Eth's too. "This will be fun," she told the kid as she gave it back. "Just like soccer baseball last weekend, bud."

Henry didn't care. He was off into the front room again – this time with Bear following after him to see what the fuss was about. Eth stood at his chair too but Hank tugged him back into place a bit.

"I can't see what it is," he grumbled. "It had Major League on it?"

"It's a kick-ball set. Soccer baseball," Jay told him and tossed the wadded up paper across the table at him. He was clearly still out of it – or really not seeing – because he missed it. Jay doubt he even saw it. It bounced right off his chest and onto the table. "Have to get everyone together for another game."

Eth just gave him a dirty look at the wrapping hitting him. Jay just looked back to Olive, though. "Thanks," he allowed and then leaned over the back of his chair to look at the kid. "Thank you, Henry."

The boy gave him a glance and then came running full bore back. "Ball! Bif-day! Tay!" he said but held the box up at Erin.

"Excellent gift picking, Henry," she allowed.

"Tant Tarin! Up!" he demanded. "Up! Tarin! Up!"

She gave her head a little shake but reached and pulled him into her lap, letting him settle the box back onto the table and smack at the rubber ball sticking out the front of it.

Olive gave a thin smile at the scene and handed Jay a card. He opened it and stopped again for a moment, causing Erin to lean in again. It was an uncle card. Not just an uncle card. An uncle card that was a super hero card. An uncle card proclaiming him as a super hero. And one of the galaxy's best.

It was the sort of card Jay knew that a year ago there was no way in hell he would've gotten. The sort of card that he knew with some confidence that if Justin was still there he wouldn't be sitting there opening. But here Olive was giving it to him.

He opened it and gazed at the signed greeting that Olive had done. The jagged crayon scrawl of a zigzag line that Henry had scribbled across it as a signature. And he again wasn't entirely sure what to say. And was so distracted by the words "uncle" that he hadn't even really noticed that there was a gift certificate in it.

"Erin told me you like sushi," Olive offered even more nervously.

"Gross," Ethan muttered, leaning more against his dad. Kid was clearly fading – more than he had been all day. Should get this wrapped soon. Let Olive and Hank get their kids to bed. Though, should likely help clean up a bit first.

Olive looked concerned at Ethan's assertion and gave him a glance before staring back at Jay's distracted reading of the card. "Sometimes?" she tried.

Jay started a bit. His eyes raising to her with some questioning. Only to look back down at the gift cards.

"Oh, yeah," he managed. "Yea. Really only get it a couple times a year. This will be a nice treat. Thanks."

She allowed a little nod. "I know it's not much. But I just … I really wanted you and Erin to both know," she stumbled a little unsurely again, moving between his and Erin's eyes, "that I really appreciate everything you've both done for me, and Henry, since this winter and spring."

Erin just shrugged. "Olive, it's fine," she said. "We're glad you're both back in the city."

Olive nodded and looked down to her hands again for a moment and then looked up at them again. "I also wanted to let you know that …," she glanced over to Hank and Eth, her eyes setting on the kid's tired body language, "… that the … paperwork … I'd been waiting on, it came through yesterday. So … I'm … I'm ready for all of us to sit down and talk about what makes the most sense."

Jay gave Erin a glance and reached to squeeze at her knee while her hands were occupied with trying to grip her squirming nephew. Erin just gave Olive and thin smile – relief but some sadness to it. She nodded, though, too. "Okay," she allowed. "We'll figure out a night. Figure it out."

Olive gave her own sad smile and looked down at her clutched hands in the lap. Jay wasn't sure exactly how much money was coming to her or if it'd really make much of a difference in figuring anything out. But at least it was a step in the right direction. Though, he also knew that him and Erin wouldn't be booting her out on her ass either if she wanted to stay in the condo. They'd just have to figure something out. They would.

Erin held out Henry to Olive. "I think you need to give Mommy a hug, bud," she said.

It earned another thin smile and Olive took her son, giving him a little bounce and a kiss. He gazed at her, measuring where facial expression and seemed to at least sense she needed a kiss too and returned a messy one on her cheek. It earned a more real smile out of Olive. And left a mark of chocolate cake crumbs on her cheek too.

Erin put her elbows on the table and gestured at the biggest box on the cabinet. "Can you pass that?" she put to Hank.

He grunted and lifted it – and then his ass.

"I thought the shoes were my birthday present?" Jay put to her.

"No," she said. "That was a gift to myself. Getting you to stop being Scrooge McDuck and finally getting them so I could stop hearing about them."

He gave her a slightly annoyed look but only got to keep her eyes – which clearly said she was sassing at him to get a reaction – so long because Voight grunted at him again and handed the parcel across the table. He took it but cast Erin a firmer look. It was heavy.

"You are going to make me feel like shit about getting you a barbecue, aren't you?" he said.

She gave him a little shrug but reached and gave his cheek a small, teasing pat. "I love my barbecue. It means I don't have to do any cooking at least until the snow flies."

He gave her a look. "I'm pretty sure you know how to barbecue."

"I thought the gift came with a personal chef?" she put back to him.

He made a noise and shook his head. But he just reached and pulled the card off the top of the box. But Erin reached and slid it out of his fingers. "After," she put simply.

He raised and eyebrow at her. But she just shrugged so he worked at peeling the paper off the box. His eyes got big and he cast her a look.

"What? Babe, no way," he exclaimed.

She gave him another little smile and a little shrug. "Think that will work on your Man-io."

He made a noise and shook his head. "I did not call it that," he said but kept working at tearing away the rest of the paper on the bluetooth, outdoor worksite speaker system. Real fucking heavy duty and waterproof. Hundred percent perfect for their rooftop. For the summer nights he hoped to be spending up there with her in the breeze and with some tunes and unwinding and talking or not talking. And maybe her picking that to compliment his barbecue mishap showed that she was looking forward to those summer nights – and their time and family time – up there just as much as he was. Maybe it wasn't such a mishap at all. Just another little blip in getting where they wanted to be.

"Oh, I'm pretty sure that word has been used more than once," she teased.

He cast her annoyed look but leaned in to give her a real brief kiss. She smiled at him while he did it. He kept her eyes. "It's perfect, Erin."

She allowed him a little nod. "Good," she said with a bigger smile – one that he knew they'd be following up on later, it said that much - and she tapped him in the chest with the card. "That's for you too."

He sighed but took the card, gazing at the box of his new speaker. He kind of really just wanted to work at unboxing it. Getting it connected to his phone. Seeing what it's sound was like. Seeing what its range was like. If it'd be able to communicate with the rest of their stereo equipment in the house. But he thought he'd be OK just dealing with the playlists they had on their phones when up there.

He ran his hands over it – pulling himself away from the anticipation of playing with the new toy for a moment. He folded open the envelope and read the card. It was an obnoxious one – not mushy – taking yet another jab at him for being older than her. He just arched his eyebrow at her.

But that eyebrow was joined by the other one as he opened the card and two tickets slide out. He gazed at them, his eyes getting bigger.

"You hate soccer," he told her. It was the best he could come up with.

"I like you," she said. "And spending time with you."

Eth perked up a bit again and leaned forward. "What is it?" he asked.

Jay held up the two tickets for Voight and Eth to see. "To the MLS All-Stars exhibition game against Real Madrid," he provided. "Soccer."

"With field-side viewing of their practice and warm-up," Erin said.

His eyes darted to her. "Seriously?" he managed that time and shook his head. "You didn't have to."

She shrugged. "I know," she allowed. "I wanted to."

He gave her a thin smile and leaned forward to give her another brief kiss. It was hard to do that in front of Voight – Hank – but it was getting less … awkward. Maybe slightly more normal. Sometimes. Times like this.

"Thank you," he told her sincerely.

She only smiled a little. "I love you," she allowed at a whisper – as much privacy as they could manage in that moment. And he smiled a little too.

But Voight broke up their display of affection. "Last one," he said and dropped a gift bag into the middle of the table.

Jay and Erin turned to look at it.

"Nice wrapping, Hank," Erin said.

He just grunted and gestured for him to take. "It's for both of you."

Erin raised her eyebrow at that. But Jay reached to take it. He handed it over to Erin but she shook her head.

"Already had my birthday," she said. Voight gave a little smack at that.

Jay looked over to him and then back at Erin and dangled the bag in front of her again. She sighed out some annoyance but took it. She'd barely taken it before the handle she hadn't grabbed had fallen open enough to reveal what was inside. She let out an amused sound and pulled out a vinyl album of U2's Joshua Tree, handing it to Jay and giving Hank a smile across the table.

"Heard you talking about it last weekend," Voight provided.

Erin shook her head. "I was sure you had that album but it wasn't in with the records you gave us."

The guy just grunted again. "Was in a separate box," he said. "Some of Camille's stuff. Book was in there too."

Erin gave a little nod and another thin, sad smile at that. Jay glanced up – clocking the look between the two of them.

"My mom really liked this album, U2, too," he allowed. Like the Chicago Irish girl she was. "A lot. Had it kicking around the house growing up. Don't know where it is now."

"Mmm …," Voight grunted. "Heard that getting said."

Erin made a little noise. "We were just talking," she provided. "It's the thirtieth anniversary of the album. But, Hank, we'll find a copy in a record shop or flea market. You should keep this."

He just made a noise and another gesture at it. "Take it for a few spins," he said. "Should get reacquainted with it."

And at that, he lifted his ass and shoved his hand into his back pocket and then leaned across the table to hand another Ticketmaster packet to Erin. She gave him a funny look but opened it and gaped a bit – before handing it off to Jay for him to gaze at the tickets to the hand-to-find, quick-to-sell-out U2 tickets at their Soldier's Field performance of the entire Joshua Tree album. Their anniversary tour.

Apparently neither him nor Erin knew exactly what to say because they both just stared at him. And he didn't seem to care.

"Think both your moms would like you checking out the show," he said.

And maybe that's all that needed to be said.

Because maybe that was family – and legacy and memories and traditions – old and new. And it was all that needed to be said. And all that really mattered. And maybe there wasn't much reason to get too awkward about that.

 **AUTHOR NOTE:**

 **The two chapters (Alone Together and Mindfulness) immediately before this were added last night. It didn't get a second bump and maybe a second alert didn't go out. The numbers on Alone Together are really low, so you might want to check you didn't miss it.**

 **That's the end of epic spew of Jay POV on his birthday dinner. It got out of hand. But hopefully some of you enjoyed it.**

 **I have an idea for a chapter that involves Jay and Erin having (or being invited over) the Corsons over to dinner. (Not his ex — just the parents). I may or may not play with that.**

 **I also have an idea for an Erin/Upton scene that involves Ethan and Platt.**

 **And then I have the ideas present previously.**

 **Still playing with potential ideas for a Father's Day scene to explore where they would be at this year in that. But considering I haven't entirely played out where this Etc arc is going nor figured out exactly what to do with the Erin situation in terms of this AU vs. the series I'm not sure I'll do it. As it seems like it would be pretty melancholy.**

 **Had planned to do a Jay/Erin/Will chapter immediately following the birthday dinner chapter(s) here. But not sure now. Might do a Hank/Ethan one instead.**

 **Still unsure how I'm going to play this AU.**

 **Reviews, comments and feedback on the chapters/scenes is much appreciated. Thoughts and commentary outside of that I'm better able to consider and respond to if you DM me.**


	42. Playing Father-in-Law

**Title: So It Goes**

 **Author: ZombieJazz**

 **Fandom: Chicago PD**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

 **Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.**

 **This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.**

 **As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.**

 _ **This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.**_

 **A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).**

 **SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.**

Jay took a slow sip of his coffee, keeping an eye on Voight. Being the one who drew the short stick and had to ride with him was usually shitty enough. Worse when you were stuck in the car with the guy on a stakeout that could last hours and fucking hours. If not all fucking night and then some if their guy didn't show. If this didn't go down the way they expected. But riding with him was even shittier right now. Because it felt like punishment. Added fucking punishment, when Jay wasn't exactly sure what he'd done in the first place.

Voight wasn't giving any fucking hints that night. Just being on the job. Staring out the window. Could hazard some guesses for that day or that week or that case, though. Maybe. Not a hell of a lot of them made much sense to him. Because – yeah – some of his and Erin's personal lives had popped up at work a bit lately. But nothing major. Nothing that had affected how he did his job – no matter what Olinsky said about him not being a good judge of that. That guy just always had to … get in other people's business when it came to the job and relationships. Knew he did it with Ruzek and Burgess. And maybe they deserved it. But him and Erin – they did pretty good at keeping the personal personal and the professional professional.

Olinsky wasn't one to be giving advice anyway. Case and point – the guy thought when he'd said he "blew it" he meant about keeping his fucking seat in Intelligence on this job that apparently any cop in the city would give his left nut for. He hadn't. Because he put what he had with Erin before the fucking job. Or at least keeping a desk in Intelligence. They'd already decided it'd be him who'd be walking. They were working toward that. It'd happened. But apparently Al wasn't privy to that. Hadn't picked up on that being the likely reality – because maybe he still had some complexes about women on the job and fucking thoughts about who'd be leaving, or should be leaving. But his perspective wasn't gospel. And it didn't make a lot of sense. And Jay wouldn't blow what he had with Erin – the family he wanted and was working toward – for some fucking desk in Intelligence. But apparently that wasn't something Olinsky got. And maybe why would he?

The guy had royally fucked up his marriage and his family for the job. And that was his business. Maybe it'd been the right choice at the time. Had made sense. For the case or the bust or the city. But it definitely didn't mean he had any of the answers about how to fucking balance it or make it work.

If anything, Olinsky was a fucking example of how to not make it work. He was the story of woe. The fucking undercover cop stereotype. He was what fucking PTSD looked like if you didn't get your shit in order. Motivation for Jay to keep fucking working on his fucking baggage. To keep learning how to … be the better version of himself.

Because Al might be a good cop – maybe he was a good solider and Jay didn't doubt he loved his kids – but Jay didn't want to be him. Or be like him. He wasn't the fucking example he was going to try to emulate in figuring out how to make PTSD and being a solider and being a cop and doing good work in a good unit and being a husband and father all work. Because for Al – it didn't fucking work. And Jay wasn't going to buy into the idea that they all had to pussy foot around Olinsky and give him some sort of hero worship in propping him and his ideas and advice and wisdom up just because his kid died. They'd all lost someone. They'd all lose someone. Eventually.

And really – if Voight had said something to Al about this fucking benching being because of something going on with him and Erin. Or they'd had some sort of little venting session that Voight hadn't brought him into the loop on – since Al seemed to think this was something Voight should've "done a long time ago" and that they'd "crossed a line". Or that Voight had made some fucking comment to O in one of their … whatever it was the two of them did … drink, talk, toss people in the river … about them not having a wedding date yet or a marriage license yet. Or the both of them still being there.

Or if all it was was because he'd caught the tail-end of a personal conversation in the bullpen – then Jay didn't really get how that fucking shit had rolled downhill to him. Not that he wanted Erin to take the brunt of Voight having something up his ass that week. But it was her who'd brought the personal into the office. It was her who'd let Bunny in on where they were living now. Fucking Bunny who'd loitered around on a morning that Jay headed out before Erin – so she could fucking corner her and fuck with her yet again. But it was then Erin who brought that little FYI – and the fucking bracelet that Jay didn't believe for a second was what Bunny said it was because there was no way that Bunny would keep anything of value that long without hawking it to serve one of her addictions or scams. But even if Voight had caught that bit of what they were talking about - it wasn't like they'd had some heated, in-your-face discussion about it. And even if they had, the only part that Voight had likely caught was him telling Erin exactly what Hank was always telling her – that Bunny was playing her. Again. And to not let it happen. Again. To shut that door. To deadbolt it. To move the fuck on with her life. With their life. With the life and family they were trying to make. They had enough shit they were working through – as individuals and a couple and a family – they didn't need Bunny in the fucking mix.

And Bunny just had a fucking sixth sense about that shit. She knew it. And here she was rearing her fucking head again. Trying to draw Erin in again. And Erin once again buying it with the whole "she didn't ask for anything line". That was always how Bunny drew her in. She kept her hand secret and Erin just always kept hedging her bits that this time was going to be some win. What the fuck she thought she was going to be winning, Jay just couldn't comprehend. A mom? A relationship with her?

He tried. But he just couldn't fucking get why she wanted – or needed – either at this point in her life. He got it. He got that he missed his mom. He got that Bunny was "all" Erin had. Only she wasn't. Because she had Hank and Ethan and Henry and him. He got that she'd lost Hank's wife – the mom Erin had actually had in her life. But there was nothing Bunny could – or would – do now that would live up to the example that Hank's wife had set about what a mom could be or should be. And it was just fucking impossible that Bunny could do anything to redeem what she'd put Erin through as a kid. What she still kept on putting her through now.

Not when she'd already done enough of a fucking mind-fuck on them all at the holidays. And kicked off 2017 with a real fucking kick to the gut. One that Jay wasn't entirely convinced that Erin had fully bounced back from even though she hadn't much wanted to talk about it. Even though she insisted that the whole Jimmy Not Her Dad thing just left her in the same place as before – with a whole lot of nothing when it came to information about her bio dad. So it didn't really change anything. She didn't really care. Or so she said.

What it changed was that Bunny had fucking lied to her – and hurt her, and played her – again. But he supposed that wasn't much of a change either. Because people don't change. Not that Erin liked hearing that. And he didn't think she entirely believed him when he said it. But he'd seen it time and time again – people don't change. The circumstances around them do. Sometimes how they react to a situation does – in the moment. But the person themselves – they're the same. You can't escape that. It was a harsh fucking reality he'd had to deal with in his own life. And maybe one that Erin just hadn't come to terms yet in hers.

Because she wanted to be something different than she was. Somewhere in her. She didn't. Because she had this self-hate or self-loathing about the kid and teen she was. And that was the person Bunny had made her. The way Bunny had made her see herself. But Erin couldn't fucking see that.

So now they were going for another fucking ride on that carousel with Bunny. Round-and-round with the same old bullshit.

And he didn't get at all why she kept going back to it. Why he let Bunny do this to her. Again and again.

He tried to understand. He really fucking did. But he also tried to tell her – show her – that you can cut the people out of your life and be okay. If they'd been shit to you your whole life – get rid of them. There's only so many chances you should give someone. If you keep doing the same fucking thing and excepting the same fucking outcome, eventually you have to admit you're the one with the problem. It's the definition of insanity. And keeping Bunny in her life – to some how want to or need to include her in the family they were trying to make for themselves – was just insane. And Jay didn't want her anywhere near Erin and he sure as fuck didn't want her anywhere near their kids if – or when – they had any. Just like Voight didn't want Bunny near Eth or Henry. It just made fucking sense.

Because Bunny was just some sort of fucking malignant cancer. And she just kept metastasizing and kept coming back. And the whole situation was eventually really going to fuck Erin over if she didn't just cut her out of her life. Like people had been telling her to do for years. Like Voight had caught him advising her to do that week. The same thing Voight was always telling her over and over. But apparently it was him who was in the wrong. Or at least him who was being punished.

And not just by Voight. Erin was pissed at him too. Because she fucking hated when he gave his stance on Bunny. She just didn't want to hear it. The woman had been the cause of some of their biggest frictions in their relationship. And it wasn't because he hated Bunny – though he did. It was because he fucking hated watching what she put Erin through. He hated seeing her hurt. And he hated seeing what she did to herself when she hurt like that. How she saw herself.

But he'd been made out to be the bad guy. He was put in the penalty box by her too. Because she just wanted to talk things out. She didn't want advice or a lecture. Especially when his opinion matched Voight's. Because then he got slagged for taking sides. It wasn't that he was taking sides. It was that Voight's stance on Bunny was something he was right about. It was on the list.

But he'd stopped the conversation. He'd dropped it. Because her body language said not only where they heading for a fight – that she was about to fucking retreat from him and stop talking to him completely if he pushed it. That she'd just do what she wanted. Or the exact fucking opposite of what he said. Because she "didn't need him to tell her what to do about her mother". So she'd just be fucking defiant and go plowing down some path almost in spite to try to prove him – or Hank – wrong. And then she'd just fucking end up in that dark place again. Where she still wouldn't fucking talk to him about it because she didn't want to admit defeat. She didn't want to admit that him and Hank were right. Because she'd never fucking believe they were right. She'd just keep holding out hope that Bunny was going to change and that some day it was going to be different and they were going to have some sort of mother-daughter relationship and go for Sunday Brunch and shopping or some bullshit.

But Voight had heard the end of Erin telling him off. Had seen him throw up his hands and retreat. To just shut the fuck up. Because they were at work and they were on the clock and the bullpen was filling up. And he just wasn't going to have this argument with her while on the job. Because that wasn't professional. And they were in agreement – they kept in professional. On the job.

But he'd still been sidelined. Punished on the job and he'd be punished at home the next time him and Erin were actually occupying the townhouse at the same time – and had the chance to talk. Because it wasn't like they had much privacy there right now either.

"So how long am I in the penalty box?" Jay asked, as he brought his cup of coffee down.

He tried to sound confident about throwing the question out there. Tried to make it casual. But he also knew that one fucking wrong move – and not only would he be stuck sitting across from Olinsky longer – that he'd still be stuck in this fucking SUV with Voight for who fucking knew how long. And it might not be pretty. Guy had a talent for making situations uncomfortable. His special skill – making sure everything was awkward. Or intimidating. Not that Jay was intimidated by him much anymore. But this was about his job. So it was a little different than managing the other side of things. He recognized that.

"A week? A month? What?" he put to him.

But Voight barely gave him a glance. "Jay, if you want to stay in this unit, don't ask me that again."

And it was nearly laughable. And Jay knew he should just shut up and go back to looking out the window too. Doing the job. He even did for a second. But they he couldn't.

"I just thought we had an understanding," he threw out there – staring straight ahead.

That got a smack from Voight. That sound that he seemed to think was some form of communication. Could tell he was looking at him. But he still just kept looking out that window. For a beat. But you looked into people's eyes for these kinds of conversations. So he did.

Could tell he'd definitely jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire with that comeback. But it needed to be said.

"I've got an understanding with my nearly son-in-law. At home," Voight rasped at him. "Right now, you're on the clock, Detective. And you've got a job to do."

The guy's eyes moved back to look out the window. And Jay let his too for a moment. He tried to concentrate on the activity around them. But he could fucking multi-task.

"You realize it was Erin doing the talking," Jay put to him.

"Takes two to tango," Voight graveled and set his eyes back out the windshield.

"Bunny's back in the picture," Jay said and that got another smack from Voight. His eyes coming to him to indicate his displeasure. Couldn't exactly tell if it was at him or the bit of Bunny intel. "Again. Planted herself in our backlot. Grabbed Erin on her way to the car this morning."

"Jay-," Voight rasped at him. But there was real warning in it that time. Jay knew he was treading a fine line.

"Gave her some bracelet," Jay pressed on though even though there was another smack at that tidbit. "Don't you think it's a little suspicious. Kind of convenient that after you give Erin Camille's necklace that Bunny's showing up with some family heirloom."

That just got another smack again and Voight's eyes shifted back to scanning the street. Jay adjusted himself in his seat to look at him.

"Bunny's going to be taking her on another ride," Jay said.

Could see Voight's tongue sticking in his cheek. Dead give away after you knew him. That he was seething. But still questionable if it was at him or at Bunny.

"She's a grown woman. She wants to bend over for another one of Bunny's mind-fucks …" he just shook his head near indiscernibly and stared out the window. But his disgust – and where it was directed in that moment – was apparent.

"Yea, exactly. And, it's me you're benching? Pulling us as partners when she's go this going on in the background?" Jay argued.

Voight just turned to him slowly. Did those fucking steely eyes that he hadn't received from the guy in a while. They were on shaky ground.

"I'm not doing this anymore, Jay," he put to him firmly. "Keeping the divide between work and family is hard enough with Erin. Not going to keep playing this game with you too."

"Our relationship doesn't affect how I do my job," Jay pressed.

Voight grunted at him. "Then why are we talking about this when you should be looking out that window?" he said, pointing out the windshield.

Jay let out a sound of frustrated annoyance but turned his eyes back to the street. It was fucking dead. And it was late. He wasn't entirely convinced their guy was even going to show. That this was going to go down remotely how they expected.

"Turned an eye to the panky-hanky for a long time," Voight graveled at him, his eyes going to scanning the street too. "Been keeping the engagement off books. But you two told me a year. Been more than that."

"Yea, well, things got a little fucked up last August, didn't they …," Jay said.

That got another smack and another steely glance. "And I respected that. But talked to you nearly two months ago, Halstead. As a man. As a father. As a friend. Told you you needed to get your ass in gear and start taking some action on this. You haven't. So now I'm being your boss. And making some decision and taking some action on your behalf."

"That's bullshit …," Jay muttered. He wasn't sure he'd meant to say it out loud. But he had. Knew from the smack. So he turned to look at Voight. Needed to do at least that much. "So I should just get used to staring at Al's ugly mug?"

"Jay, do you even want to be in the unit anymore?" Voight rasped at him. Jay squinted at him. "Don't know what's going on with you. Or Erin. Don't know if it's home. Or it's the job. Or it's something else. But you've both been either checking out on me. Or flying off the handle. Think you both need to be doing some thinking about how much longer either of you should be hanging around. Before you go and get yourselves – or this team – in some fucking situation when we've got people in the Ivory Tower just looking for a reason."

Jay sighed and shook his head. He stared out the window. Because he didn't know what to say to that. Didn't want to explain the personal and how it impacted the professional to Voight. Because most of it wasn't even about their relationship. It was just their own personal crap. It was some of the cases. It was their own baggage. It was how cases did become personal. It was how you related to them. And how they affected you. And stayed with you. And what you could do and couldn't do to affect any sort of change in the fucking city or the fucking world.

But they did their jobs. They got through. Both of them. Voight should know that too. Should see it. Got their paperwork. Knew their close rate. Saw them work. And he knew what the job was like. He knew what being a cop was about. Had his own history of baggage and flying off the handle. Going right off the leash. To start talking to him about what sort of bullshit him or Erin might bring down on them from the Ivory Tower. It wasn't them who'd fuck over the Intelligence Unit. It'd be a team effort. And the team captain was Voight. And he did a good fucking job at bringing a whole lot of scrutiny to them all on his own. Even a high closure rate – by doing things "his way" – didn't protect them from that. It just gave them a bit of leeway to keep operating in that grey area. For now.

"Know you've had some offers with other units. Know that most crews would be happy to take you on, if you put out some inquiries. So move your ass and put out some fucking feelers," Voight smacked at him. "Or pick up the damn phone, call Lewis back in SWAT and sign up for some of the fucking training courses and let him take you on as temporary assignment to take the gig out for a spin."

"You aren't supposed to know about that …," Jay muttered.

Again. But he wasn't. But he also wasn't surprised he did. He actually wouldn't be surprised if it came out in the future that it was Voight who'd had Lewis call him in the first place. Did with Antonio. And Rixton. And who knew who else. Basically their whole fucking team when you got down to it. Accept maybe him. Antonio had handpicked him. Voight had just let him stick around. Temporarily. Apparently. But supposed he always knew that being in Voight's Intelligence Unit would only be temporary. Even before he was in a relationship with Erin.

Jobs and bosses come and go. Erin wouldn't be something that would. He wouldn't let it. He wouldn't screw it up. So maybe he should be less worried about moving desks in the bullpen and more worried about getting a spot somewhere else. Now. Not later. Whenever that later was.

"Got a big house," Voight provided. "A mile away from mine. Keep hoping there's going to be a reason for that."

"Ethan's the reason for that," Jay said under his breath.

That got another smack. "Hope there's a bit more reason than that."

Jay shrugged. "Don't know that's going to happen. Least not while Bunny knows where we live," he said with his own distaste.

"Then be her fucking partner – at home. Her spouse. Put something on her finger more than that diamond. Be the man. Transfer out. Wear the fucking pants."

"Don't think she'd like hearing you say that," Jay muttered.

"She's not here," Voight smacked at him. "And my daughter not just deserves someone willing to take care of her – she wants it too. Needs it. That support. She's got a whole lot of hurt and self-doubt. Too fucking hard on herself. No matter what fucking line she spouts. Stubborn. Independent. You knew what you were signing up for. Helping her clean up her messes – past and present – it's part of the deal."

Jay didn't really know what to say to that. That he knew all that. That he was trying to do all that. But Voight just tapped at the wheel.

"Don't make me play father-in-law again on the clock," he graveled. "Or our next powwow won't see you just moving across the bullpen."

Jay stared at him. But he didn't know what more to say that'd be worthwhile. Or would save him from blowing it even more.

And he didn't have to say anything. He didn't have time to say anything. Because there was movement on the street. And a contractor truck came down the block. And now they were really on the job.

And he needed to keep it professional. So that he didn't fuck it up. Because like he told Erin – bosses and jobs come and good. Their relationship wouldn't be something that would though. Not if he had a say. And even on the days he didn't have a say – with her or with Voight – he could at least move his ass. And stop blowing smoke out of it.

 **AUTHOR NOTE: Your reviews, feedback and comments are appreciated. However, I haven't watched the finale yet — so please no spoilers. I likely won't be watching it until the weekend. If you want to comment on something about it or share thoughts or ask about how/if I'll include it in this AU — please DM me rather than post a comment and put a subject line that indicates it includes spoilers about the finale. I'll work on getting back to people after I've watched it. Though, I doubt I'll have too many thoughts about it based on where it appeared to be going. Which was kind of meh to me.**

 **I still have several chapters I want to do inspired by scenes from episodes in the winter run of the season. I will work on getting to them. Some are more necessary than others for a rounded story.**

 **However, right now I am working on finishing the little arc with Jay's birthday/case fallout and what's going on with Ethan. It will also incorporate Will. And Jay and Erin's relationship. It will be several chapters.**

 **I know I still have two chapters (Harry Potter and Etc getting home to Hank) to round out Florida. I'll get to that too.**

 **And i know some of you are still hoping for more chapters to finish out the Christmas story in Aftermath. I don't know if/when I'll get to that.**

 **I'm picking away at it.**

 **I have lots of ideas right now about what I want to do in terms of scenes and playing with the characters and their backstories and arcs and fun (or not so fun) situations to put them into. But it's all something I'm just picking away at right now.**

 **Chapters will be added as I'm able.**


	43. Notice - New Story - The Way From Here

**So … this is to let you all know that I've I decided to write a sort of bridge in an effort to rectify this AU with what happened in the S4 finale. It is being posted as a new story: The Way From Here. The first chapter is up and available for your reading pleasure.**

 **It will be a place for me to get to in terms of So It Goes. And then a place for me to work from if/after I get that far.**

 **Basically this is going to be maybe 4-10 chapters dealing with how to cast and redirect this AU for if Erin had made the decision to go to counter-terrorism. What it would mean for them as a couple and a family. And then how they move beyond it. If they can**

 **It's a recast of the finale and its implications to try to make it jive with the story, plot, characters and the arcs with the AU's.**

 **Hopefully that makes some sense. Hopefully it's an OK read. I do have an idea where this is going and know how it's going to end. So hopefully it will be a quick and easy write. And hopefully it will be enough to motivate me to finish up the previous stories and their chapters, scenes and arcs(here in So It Goes and also in Aftermath and maybe even going back as far as Scenes and Interesting Dynamics, which I still get some requests to flesh out a bit more or to recast scenes from various episodes within them.) But this collection of chapters might serve as the logical conclusion of this AU generally. As I'm not sure there will be much material in the series going forward that will inspire me and I'm not sure I'll be watching in the fall beyond the first few episodes.**

 **I may go back and finish up the pregnancy one. But right now it's not a priority and not sure if/when it will be now. Especially given the state of the series and my dying interest in following it or its remaining characters - even if I like Voight and Halstead. They are also now just shadows of the possibilities presented in S1 and unless the new EP, and writing staff do some really fancy footwork, I don't expect that to change**

 **This story is not intended to reflect any aspect of what I think is going to happen in S5. I don't believe there will be any closure or guest spot for Bush or the Erin character. I'm not even sure I believe there will be any exploration of the implications that Erin's departure has on Voight or Halstead beyond maybe a one line reference in the first episode. So this is purely FF and purely playing with the AU established.**

 **Also for the readers who are behind, please be aware all the chapters here have now been reordered from Breaking Barriers down. So it's inthe correct chronology order but may be hard for you to find a chapter if you missed something. If you need help, DM and I'll get back to you when I can.**

 **I still intend to write some more in this story but the finale really threw me (or more Bush's departure did) and I think I need to deal with figuring out how that works in this AU before I can come back and play with SIG, even though I do have chapters planned here. So for now the focus will be on writing up The Way From Here. I hope you'll check it out and enjoy it. As always you** **reviews, feedback and comments are always much appreciated.**


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